THE COLUSI BIAN.
Published Every Frxay,
at
ST. HELENS, COLUMBIA CO., OIL,
BY
. G. ADAMS, Editor and Proprietor
Y
1
1
A
Published Every Friday,
at
ST. HELENS, COLUMBIA CO., OR.,
BY
E. 0. AD Alls, Editor and Proprietor.
Subscription Rates:
One year, in advance $2 00
Six months, 1 00
Three month. " 50
Advertising Rates :
Oae square (10 lines) first inaertioa. . f2 00
Each sabsequa&t fnaextion . . 100
VOL. V.
ST. HELENS, COLUMBIA COUNTY, OREGON, MAY 22, 1885.
NO. 42.
THE COLUMBIAN.
COLUMBIAN
DAY BY DAY.
A little older every day,
A little nearer to the close;
Nearer the ending of the fray,
Nearer the lonr repose.
' o'f.r our head
j. a and the rras.
And triends will murmur: ."He Is dead,"
As by our tomb they pass.
Nearer the time when we shall cast
An anchor ly the myotic shore;
And see and feel mud know, at last,
Whut we could not before.
Ah ! how the years iro rolling: on!
How short the step to manhood's prime,
How Hion the froldof life is gone
Into the vaults of Timel
Cincinnati Eiujuirtr.
MADAM WHIMS.
Her Devices to Conceal the Cruel
ties of an Insane Husband.
A young girl, who had just arrived,
was the center of a group of women
on the porch of the old-fashioned hotel
in Wildgrapeisle, a little island the
medicinal qualities of whose springs,
.especially in the case of nervous com
plaints, were just beginning to be
known, one lovely August evening.
"And now," said she, after the usual
welcoming speeches and compliment
ary remarks about the becomingness
of her traveling costume had all been
made, "tell me who is here,"
'Oh! the old set," answered two or
three of her friends together. "With
the exception," added two or three
more, "of Madam Whims," chorused
all the rest.
"Madam Whims." repeated the new
arrival. "What a very odd name."
"Oh! it isn't her real name," ex
plained several of the irroup in one
voice again.
a
Her real narue-
Suppose one of the partv enlightens
me while the others remain silent," in
terrupted the girl, laughingly. "It's
rather confusing, you know, listening
to a chorus on a subject of which the
listener happens to be in total ignor
ance. You, Maud, used to be a capital
story-teller in our school days, and
that isn't far enough away for your
tongue to have forgotten its cunning,
and so suppose you narrate and oblige
yours truly. Bell Morrison.
"There isn't any story to tell. Bell,
my dear, replied the youthful, brighl
eyed matron thus singled out. "The
case is simply this: A lady is stopping
here she came about three weeks ago
whose name is Eleanor Halpin, but
whom our circle with common consent
have dubbed Madame Whims, because,
my dear, she really is the whimmiest of
whimmen. Pun intended hope you
ail see it."
"I recognized it at once," said Bell,
"having met it many times before,
notably in the old verses whic if my
memory serves me aright,, run., some
what iii this way.
"When Eve first wooed with love so kind
Her Adam called her wooman;
But when she brought him grief and woe.
Why, then he called her woeman.
Since then the men declare the sex
With follies overbrimmin'.
And so they've changed the name again.
And now they call them whimmen."
"Am I to go on, or have you any
more verses to repeat?" asked Mistress
Maud.
"You are to go on, and go on
quickly," answered her sprightly
friend, "for I haven't had my supper
vet and I shall soon be awfully hungry.
You said last she was the 'whimmiest
of whimmen.' Pray tell me what
shapes her whims take?"
"Oddities of dress, principally.
When we first beheld her, two
days after her arrival she had kept
.her room in tue interim sne wore a
sort of turban, apparently evolved
from a large, soft, crimson silk hand
kerchief, tilted rather rakishly over the
left eve. It was not altogether unbe
coming, but it was extremely queer.
In a few days the turban was discarded
and she appeared in very long, very
loose cloves, morn, noon and eve
breakfast, lunch and dinner, for nearlv
a week. Then she came down with
icane. a handsome one, and walked with
an affected little limp for another week
Then a lace scarf graced her head,
tied down over her ears, my dear,
with a big bow under her chin. And
to-night, warm as it is, she has several
yards of white illusion twined around
her throat and standing up at the
back of her neck in a manner that
strongly suggests an Elizabethan ruff."
' hich suggestion of an Elizabethan
ruff I suppose I shall have the pleasure
of seeing, said Hell, "as each of my
lady s vagaries seem to last for several
days. But tell me something about
herself, "laud. Is she pretty? Is she
clever? Is she wife, widow or divorcee?
If vife, what kind of a husband has
she?"
"Well, she is not uglv, rather pretty.
in fact, and somewhat clever; so we in
fer from what conversation we have
had with her, which is very little, for
it is one of her whims to have her hus
band always at ber side, and you know
how hard it is for women to talk to
each other when there is a man around.
By the by, we also infer from the
never-varying brightness of her face
that she must be a very happy, very
.sweet-tempered woman."
"And her husband?"
"Oh! yes, I was coming to him. He
is a splendid looking fellow (though
Kate Dutton, who is given, you know,
to finding resemblance to animals in
human beings, declares there is a hint
of tiger about him), but we are none
of us particularly interested in him,
because, to tell the truth, my dear, he
hasn't shown the slightest interest in
any of us."
"And how does he appear to regard
his wife's whims?"
"With extreme indulgence. I see him
looking at her peculiarities of dress,
sometimes, with the kind of smile with
which a fond parent regards the trick
of a spoiled child."
"Spoiled child, indeed!" here joined
in a sharp-nosed, thin-lipped elderly
dame who had evidently thus far been
holding her tongue with great difficulty.
"I have no patience with him. Why
don't he make her take off those fal-de-lals
(Maud hasn't told you about half
of them) and dress like a Christian? I
would, mighty quick, if I were he. But
as he don't I should think that compan
ion of hers Mrs. Gregg who seems to
be a sensible person, and to have some
influence over her, might prevail upon
her not to make a show of herself."
"Perhaps she is the sort of woman
who can't be prevailed upon," said
Bell.
"I guess you are right," acquiesced
Mistress Maud, with emphasis. "She
has a very determined look at times
about her mouth, though it is a small
and smilling one. And her big, dark
gray eves meet your gaze almost defi
antly' "Defiantly? Impudently, I call it,"
resumed the sharp-featured lady, "and
I'm sorry for her husband, I am, for
altogether. I've no doubt he has a pret
ty hard time of it. I'm sure if were
a man shouldn't want my wife tag
ging 'round after me every step took,
especially if I. had a wife like Madam
Whims, eternally devisin' ways and
means, in spite of her pretended devo
tion, of attractin' attention."
"That is false!" said a voice from the
drawing-room window, and the next
moment Mrs. (iregg, a tall, pale wo
man, clad in black robes, stepped out
upon the porch.
"False!" echoed the unlovely spin
ster. "Yes, 'false;' and to my mind the
time has come when the truth should
be told. I can not, in consideration for
her, take the dreadful responsibility of
keeping my mistress' secret any longer.
Ladies, that splendid looking fellow
so bound to the side of his wife would,
had it not been for her angelic love and
devotion, have been long ago the in
mate of a lunatic, asylum. Don't be
frightened, he has never hurt any one
but her. For years he has been subject
to insane paroxysms whose fury he
vents upon the being he loves best in
the world. Once over them he is as
sane as you or I. For several weeks
past these attacks have been much more
frequent than ever before. But no one
has suspected them, even in this
crowded hotel, for having, as you have
already suggested. Miss Dutton. some
thing of the tiger about him, it is but a
stealthy bound, a noiseless, heavy blow,
or two or three received without a
murmur and then he sinks into a pro
found slumber from which he awakes
titterly unconscious of what he has
done, to. laugh as you do at his wife's
wnims. i nat iantastic turuan con
cealed a wound in the left temple: the
long gloves covered bruised hands and
arms; the scarf was tied about a swollen
neck, and the yards of illusion wrapped
aronnd her slender throat to-night hide
the marks oi cruel ( fingers. "Madam
Whims!' Madam Saint, I say! 'lie only
hurts me,' she prays, when I threaten
disclosure. 'He only hurts me and
does not mean to do it, as you well
know, Gregg, for he loves me, he loves
me dearly and I adore him. What he
does in the wretched moments that he
is not himself I can bear, but to be
parted from him forever oh! That I
could not bear.' She came here in the
hope, that the waters might do him
good, but he has, as I have told you,
grown worse, and after to-day's ex
perience it would be crime for me to
remain silent any longer. 'Give me
the name, please, of the best physician
in the my God! what was that?' she
broke off suddenly to exclaim, as a
pistol shot rang out upon the air, and
then she fairly Hew back through the
drawing-room, out into the hall, and
up the stairs that led to her mistress'
apartment, followed, almost as swiftly,
by the horror-stricken women who had
been listening to her story. Throwing
open the door oi the sitting-room she
entered, leaving the others huddled to
gether in the threshold. "Too late!
too late!" she cried; "look there." And
there on the floor, beside a couch
which held the form of his wife, lav
the lifeless body of Luke Halpin. "He
has killed her in one of his insane mo
ments," continued the companion in a
shrill, unnatural voice, "and finding
her dead on awakening has taken his
own life with the pistol I thought I
had so carefully hidden from him.
And see, see, wringing her -hands while
the tears rolled down her cheeks, oh!
what a pitiful sight she played
Madam Whims' to the last." And
pressing silently forward they saw that
the dying woman, with some wild idea
of hiding the act that had cost her her
life, and shielding him who was dearer
to her than that life, had with her last
strength draped a gauzy shawl over
the knife-wound in her breast, but the
tell-tale blood had dripped through
and stained the white silk dress she
wore with spots of vivid red! Margaret
Ky tinge, in Detroit Free Press.
He Let His Cows For Beans.
"If Smith don't keep his cow out of
my garden I will kill her. I have shot
her side full of beans every night,' but
she gets in my garden the next night
just the same as if nothing had hap
pened. I believe he turns her in my
garden." "Of course he does," said
Jones, "for I saw him do it." "What
the dickens does he.do that for?" "To
get you to shoot his cow." "To get me
to shoot his cow? What does he want
me to shoot his cow for?" "Because
he is a Boston man and his cow brings
home enough of your beans to support
his family. He keeps his boys busy
picking the beans out of his cow's hide.
Take him over a bushel of beans and
his cow won't get in your garden for
a week." Paris Deacon.
Lately the distance between Lon
don and Edinburgh was covered" in
three days by a tricycle rider. This
feat was surpassed a week later by an
other traveler, who accomplished the
four hundred miles in two days and
nine hours, considerably more than
half the distance being traveled in the
lirst twenty-four hours. A medical
writer in the Lancet Warns all "cycle"
riders to beware of large wheels which
are accompanied by small saddles. He
says that unless a good-sized seat is
provided, serious evils may result.
Among the victims of cholera at
Naples was an old woman aged one
hundred and three years.
MR. NOX.
How a Man Searching fur a Missing Artl
cle is Feelingly Described by II U Long
Suffering Better Half.
Did vou ever see a man search for
missin? article? Well, if not, just let
o -
me tell you how Mr. Nox does it.
Mr. Nor generally arises to build
fires, leaving me to my morning nap
undisturbed that is, if he can remem
ber w'lere he put his clothes the pre
vious ev ening; if not, I am called upon
to tell him where he stood, whence all
but him had fled (to bed).-
The other morning, after being
dreamilv conscious that the '-'blamed
shavings were wet," and that the "lid
lifter never was in its place, l was
broadly awakened to find Mr. Nox going
tip and down car bedroom, lamp in
hand, his best hat stuck on the extreme
back of his head, kicking his slippered
feet against every bit of furniture in
reach, a dark frown contracting his
classic brow, and murder in bis eye.
inquired the matter.
"Hunting my rubbers" (shortly).
"But von don't expect to find them in
here on the wall, do you?" seeing him
gazing upward.
"Course I do. Where else can they be?
I've looked everywhere else."
I suppress a giggle,which has become
chronic and attacks, me whenever Air.
Is ox begins a search. I suggest various
places in which they might be found;
but he "has looked ! here." Back and
forth now in one room, then in another
warmer waxes his wrath. He "gives
the kitten a rough push and looks care
fully on the spot of carpet it has occu
pied. Suddenly an idea seems to strike
him, and holding the lamp high above
his head, he rushes into the preserve
closet. JNIy mirth subsides. 1 spring
up.
"O, don't go in there! Your rubbers
never, never were in there. Good
gracious! Come out!" (raising my voice
in command.)
"I don t know thev am t. and 1 in
going to have them. Do you suppose
1 'm going to milk that cow without my
rubbers?"
So much talk had awakened the
"flower of the family," who starts up
and says, speedily:
"Saw 'em on the piano las' night."
This is too much for me, and I roll
over in bed, hugging a pillow ecstati
cally over my mouth to suffocate my
laughter. When I had recovered I
peeped out and found Mr. Nox examin
ing the piano first at one end and then
at the other. He prepares to take oft
the lid, when my indignation gets the
better of my discretion, and I angrily
demand what he is hunting, anyway.
"Why, my rubbers, you blockie, didn't
she say they were here?"
"O you half wit re! Do you think
they could be in fhvre? Stop tearing
up things so."
He goes into the preserve closet again,
goes out, flies into the kitchen and
through the pantry. Then I hear the
safe door click, wood box and coal hod
jingle merrily, the oven doors clang, a
pailful of potatoes roll out upon the
floor, the ash pan clatters, the sink is
explored: I hear him open the clock;
then back into the sitting room he
tramps. My work basket suffers, sewing
machine examined, my work tumbled,
I hear the dolls and playthings of the
"Flower" dashed upon the floor, then a
door bangs and all is silent Mr. Nox
has gone out into the untried, "unfeeling
cow yard to milk that cow (she gives a
whole pint now every morning) without
his rubbers. I grieve not; the ground
is perfectly dry, I know he is safe from
damp feet. - I rise at once and . dress
briskly: I know I have no time to lose if
I would have my breakfast before ten
o'clock. I have not had ocular proof of
the result of Mr. Nox's eccentric search
ing for lost apparel, in vain. I am
perfectly aware of the chaotic state of
the house, and am prepared to meet it.
I consider myself a heroine, in a
small way, to be able' to meet
it. I hurry forth to the kitchen;
crossing the sitting room I
stumble over some object occupying the
middle of the floor, and stooping to
examine, find the missing rubbers.
Texas Sitings.
A Modern Oracle.
A most satisfactory modern oracle ap
pears to have been established at Kair
wan, the holy city of Tunis. It consists
of a telephone.with an ingenious Arabic
speaking French priest at the one end
and a number of the credulous faithful
at the other. The story is an excellent
instance how "they as has brains" al
ways find some opportunity for making
use of them. The inventor of the ora
cle was once a member of a monastery
at Avignon. Expelled by an infidel gov
ernment, he went to Algeria and turned
Trappist, but finding that profession ap
parently too narrow for his versafle and
energetic nature, he subsequently had
the happy thought of turning Moham
medan, and combining the furtherance
of French political designs with the ex
ercise of his new religion. Installed, as
a reward for his usefulness, as the
keeper of a kourba, or shrine, but find
ing the ordinary income oi the omce
somewhat inadequate, he has now hit on
the happier thought of increasing it by
the introduction of a telephone, by
which he is enabled from his own room
to return prompt and apparently mirac
ulous answers to those who come to ask
him for Divine guidance. Paris Cor.
London Times.
The District Attorney of Boston
says that ne encounters no such ob
stacles in the discharge of his duties as
women. No criminal can be so unde
serving of sympathy, so completely an
outcast, that he has not a mother, wife
or sister to plead for him. They are
the most persistent lobbyists on earth,
he declares; the most unreasonable, and
yet the hardest to withstand. They lie
in wait for the prosecutor of their loved
ones; their audacity would make the
adamantine cheek of a Washington
claim-broker seem a suffusion of modest
blushes; they meet arguments with tears
and denials with moan's; and he thinks
that, on the whole, justice is oftener de
feated by them than by all other causes.
L'oston Transcript.
A Philadelphia German, who wears
a "No. 17" boot, claims to have the
largest understanding of any man in
the country.
DYNAMITE.
How the
Destructive Exploslre Is Maaa
factured.
Mr. M. Bennett, a man who has
probably handled more dynamite than
any other man in the country, tells a
reporter some interesting facts con
cerning the manufacture and use of
this destructive compound :
.Dynamite is made of glycerine-oil
and nitric acid mixed in sawdust. A
boy can make it and there is no law to
prevent it, nor is there a law restrict
ing the sale of it. You may send your
office-hoy or servant-girl for a few
pounds- and no questions will be asked.
The sale of opium and poisons are re
stricted, but dynamite, the greatest
ami most terrible destructive engine of
the nineteenth century, may be bought
by any one at thirty-six cents per
pound. The wet sawdust on a saloon
floor is so precisely like dynamite that
even I could not fell the difference un
til I tasted it the glycerine imparts a
sweet flavor to it. Dynamite may be
made 'out of a hundred and one differ
ent things, such as sulphur, saltpeter
and brimstone. Generally, however,
glycerine and nitric acid, which we call
nitro-glycerine, are mixed with such an
absorbent as wood-pulp or sawdust;
this is done to enable its safe handling
and transportation.' The color of dy
namite is the color of sawdust, and that
of course depends upon the color and
nature of the wood.
"The word dynamite covers the
whole category of explosives, such as
giant-powder and nitro-gljcerine. Gun
cotton is similar, except that cotton is
used as the absorbent instead of saw
dust or pulp.
"If placed in water it will sink al
most as rapidly as lead. I should say,
however, that giant-powder is much
darker than the other dynamites, for
the reason that instead of saw-dust we
ase pulverized candle-coal' dust im-
ovted from France and very gassy.
hnamite is worth from thirty-six cents
io seventy-five cents a pound. I hat
which is very destructive is worth sixtv
cents to seventy-five cents, and is used
lor sub-marine blasting and heading
tunnels. For what we call a fifty per
cent powder, we take fifty pounds of
sawdust and add fifty pounds of nitro
glycerine oil; and for what we call gela
tine, which is very destructive, we take
ninety pounds of oil to ten pounds of
absorbent, generally sawdust. There
is very little, if any, dynamite imported
from or exported to Europe for the
reason that an idiot can compound it.
We do send a fe schooners to old
Mexico and to the Republics of South
America, but none, is sent from here to
England, as a man can make it in his
bedroom in a few m-nutes. ror ordi
nary purposes dynamite is put up in
cartridges eight , inches long and ironi
three-quarters of an inch to four inches
in diameter. These cartridges are
made of heavy brown paper, and when
filled the ends are folded and the car
tridge dipped in paralline oil to keep it
air and water tight. You may place a
'v rr!"i mnn :u nnvil find evdndd
t by a blow from a hammer. 1 have
known premature blasts to occur
where a pick or sledge has struck it
inadvertently. It is not used in col
lieries, because it would shatter the
coal and pulverize it. In stone quar
ries, iron mines, and in tunneling it is
used daily, and there are thousands of
men manufacturing it and tens of
thousands hourly handling it. ' I tried
o get my life insured two years ago,
iut no company would take the risk,
end 1 don't know a single man in ray
ine who is insured. Less than half an
crtnee will throw a sixty-pound ooniu-
hcllovcrl,0iM) feet and two pounds will
blow a ten-ton rock to atoms. The
heaviest blast I ever saw was in a
limestone ciuarry in Glendon, Pa., when
8u,(H0 pounds were touched off. A
iriend of mine experimented with sev
eral things very successfully. On ala
job of work he had a very refractory
mule which was so stupid that he was
about to give it awav, when he thought
he would try a few grains of dynamite
on the animal. He must have used too
much, for nothing more was ever seen
of the mule. He used a three-quarter-pound
cartridge, which retails at about
sixty-five cents. A 4x8 cartridge-cjijn-tains
about five and one-quarfer
pounds, but the medium size is 1 1-4x8,
and t onta'ns about eight ounces.
"I might place a pound of common
gunpowder on tins carpet, apply at use.
and there would only be a flash and
mil. but if I placed the same quantity
of dynamite tht-re and touched it off it
would shatter tlrs room and the entire
basement and found ition, for dynamite
trikes downward. I'nlike gunpowder.
which to forc.blv explode must be con-
ined, dynamite may be placed on the
Mirtace of the sidew.ilk or in anv un-
onuried place, and it is read;-for work.
There is one compound, however, that
is more terrible than dynamite, because
you can imprison more explosive force
n given quantities. This is lulminate
of mercury, and I tlrnk that it was this
agent that was used to blow up the
English Houses of Parliament. It looks
very much like fine, white flour, and is
worth one dollar an ounce. So explo
sive is it that aflip of the finger or a tap
of your pencil will do the business."
"Have you ever been approached pro
fessionally by professed dynamiters?"
"No, and it wouldn't do them any
good if 1 were. I don't believe that
O'Donovan llossa himself had anything
to do with the recent explosions. He
is a blowhard seekin notoriety. I was
once shown an internal machine that
was made here in Chicago, and a dread
ful contrivance it was. For these ma
chines they use corrosive acids instead
of fuses. as the latter make a tell-tala
smoke while the former do not. I saw
the machine that the Public Library
thief Talbut,or Funk, constructed, and
I am satisfied that he is a novice in tha
line, because he had removed the pow
der and ball from the cartridge, which
simply contained a little cap. This
was not of sufficient force to explode
the dynamite. Doubtless his idea was
that when in search of the stolen books
any one who would force open the box
the nail would let down the cock ar4
cause an explosion which would have
killed everybody near it. He had filed
away the notch of the trigger to facili
tate the explosion. If the powder ard
ball had not been removed from the
cartridge the man who opened the box
would now be in his grave. Chicago
Tribune.
I SPY!
Bill
Xye Indulges la Reminiscences
of
Childhood's Happy Hour.
Dear reader, do you remember the
boy in your school who did the heavy
falling through the ice, and was always
about to break his neck, but managed
to live through it all? Do you call to
mind the youth who never allowed any
body else to fall out of a tree and break
his collar bone when he could attend to
it himself?
Every school has to secure the
services of such a boy before it can sue
ceed, and so our school had one. When
I entered the school I saw at a g
that the board had neglected to provide
itself with a boy whose duty it was to
nearly kill himself every few davs in
order to Keep up the interest, so l ap
plied for the position. I secured it
without any trouble whatever. The
board understood at once from mv
bearing that I would succeed. And I
did not betray the trust they had re
posed in me.
Before the first term was over I had
tried to climb two trees at once and
been.carried home on a stretcher; been
pulled out of the river with my lungs
full of water and artificial respiration
resorted to; been jerked around over
the north half of the county by a frac
tious horse whose halter I had tied to
my leg, and which leg is now three
inches longer than the other, together
with various other little eccentricities
which I can not at' this moment call to
mind. My parents at last got so that
along about two o'clock p. m. they
would look anxiously out of the win
dow and say: " Isn't it about time for
the boys to get Ivre with William's re
mains? They generally get here before
two o'clock.
One day live or six of us were play
ing 'I spy" around our barn. Every
body knows how to play "I spy." One
shuts his eyes and counts one hundred,
for instance, while the others hide.
Then he must find the rest and say "1
spy" so-and-so and touch the "goal"
before they do. If anybody beats him
to the goal the victim has to "blind"
over again.
Well, I knew the ground pretty well,
and could drop twenty feet out of the
barn window and strike on a pile of
straw so as to land near the goal, touch
it, and let the crowd in free without
getting, found out I did this several
times and got the blinder, James Bang,
pretty mad. After a boy has counted
five hundred or six hundred, and
worked hard to gather in the crowd,
only to get jeered and laughed at by
the- boys, he loses his temper. It was
so with James Cicero Bang. I knew
that he almost hated me, and yet I went
on. Finally, in the fifth ballot I saw a
good chance to slide down and let the
crowd in again as I had done on former
occasions. I slipped out of the window
and down the side of the barn about
two feet, when 1 was detained un
avoidably. There was a 'batten" on
the barn that was loose at the upper
end. 1 think I was wearing mv father s
vest on that day, as he was away from
home and I frequently wore his clothes
when he was absent. Anyhow the vest
was too large, and when I slid down
that loose board ran up between the
vest and my person in. such a wa- as to
suspend me about eighteen feet from
the ground in a prominent, but very un
comfortable, position.
I remember it vet quite distinctly.
James C. Bang came around where he
could see me. He said: "I spy Bill Nye
and touch the goal before him." No
one came to remove the barn. No one
seemed to sympathize with me in my
great sorrow and isolation. Every little
while James u. isang would come
around the corner and sav: "O I see ve.
You needn't think you're out of sight
up there. I can see vou real plain
You better come down and blind. I
can see ve up there!"
I tried to unbutton my vest and get
down there and lick James, but it was
of no use.
It was a very trying time. I can re
member how 1 tried to kick mvself
loose, but failed. Sometimes I would
kick the .farn and sometimes I would
kick a large bole in the horizon. Fi
nally I was rescued by a neighbor who
said he didn't want to sec a good barn
kicked into chaos just to save a long-
legged Doy tnat wasn t worth over six
bits.
It affords me great pleasure to add
that while I am looked up to and mad
ly loved by every one that does not
know me, James C. Bang is the brevet
President of a fractured bank, taking a
lonely bridal tour by himself in Europe
and waiting for the depositors to die of
old age.
The mills of the gods grind slowly,
but they most generally get there with
both feet. (Adapted from the French by
permission.) Detroit tree Press. ;
And That, Too.
A Boston man got hold of a West
erner the other day in hopes of getting
some consolation out of the look of af
fairs toward sundown, but the man
promptly replied:
"I tell you, things have just squatted
out our way."
"Won't wheal look up a little, eh?"
"Not a look."
"Any new enterprises?"
"Not so much as building a wood
shed." "But do the merchantscomplain?"
'I should smile! They even hire
folks to help 'em growl."
"Isn't the railroad business a little
more favorable?"
"Yes, they manage to run trains, but
that's about all."
"Well, there must be some business
in the West which holds its own," pr
sisted the Bostonian. "How's matri
mony?'' "Deader'n Joseph's old boots," was
the confidential answer. "A year ago
you could have married anything and
anybody and counted on six per cent,
dividends, but the general depr'ssion
has flattened matrimony until a widow
worth $20,000 has got to huut a man
down with a gun!" Wall Street Xews
A man at St. Albans, Vt was heard
to remark that he would give twenty
cents for a cat. The next morning
twenty-two boys were on hand, each
expecting to go away twuity cents
richer.
WEDDINGS.
How the
Ceremony Was
Celebrated la
Olden Time.
On the Sunday morning the invited
guests assembled at the sexton's house
(which was generally near the church)
and when the morning psalm was being
sung the procession set out. First of
all walked the fiddlers, playing a festal
march; then a swarm of children,
young relatives of the bridal pair; next
the two bridesmaids, then the bridal
couple, and immediately after them the
bride-dresser. Then followed the two
groomsmen and the rest of the crowd
men first, women next, arranged by the
groomsmen in a certain order. The
procession was so timed that they
reached the church just as the psalm
ended, and if they came a little early
they all waited in the porch until the
proper time. So soon as the singing
ceased the wedding party entered the
church, and walked up the centre aisle,
the fiddler meantime playing right joy
fully, till they came to the altar, when
they turned aside, and stood playing
whilst the whole party was arrayed in
order before the clergyman, wh stood
waiting for them. The wedding cere
mony was then celebrated i ccording ta
the old Swedish rites.
The wedding breakfast was generally
laid on three tables set in the form of a
horseshoe. The bridal coup'e sat in the
place of honor that is, in the middle
of the centre table. Next to the bride
sat the "bride di;csscr," then the bride
maids and the rest of the women. Next
the bridegroom sat the clergyman, and
then the groomsmen and the men
guests. The groomsmen acted as mas
ter of the ceremonies, and saw that each
one sat in his or her appointed place.
Each guest brought knife, fofk and
spoon to the feast. The meal over,
dancing began, when polka, waltz, min
uet ami country dance of all kinds fol
lowed in rapid succession. Toward the
end of the feast the bride was obliged
to dance with each one of the girls, who
stood in a ring around her. During
this the lads stood ail around with
lighted candles. Next the bridegroom
danced with all the men, the girls in
their turn holding the lighted candles.
Then the bride danced with married
women, and the married men held the
lights, and then the bridegroom danced
with the married men, the married
women holding the candles.
After the dancing was over the guests
who lived near went home, while those
who lived at a distance stayed the night.
Next day by twelve o'clock all assem
bled once more to breakfast. The bride
was then dressed as a married woman,
in a cap bound with black. After
breakfast the old folks chatted over
things old and new, whilst the young
folks amused themselves with ring-
dances, etc., " hich, if the weather was
fine, were held in the open air.. This
went on till supper time. After supper
much of the time was spent in singing.
Harper's Weekly.
HUMOR IN THE
FAMILY.
One of the Most Valuable Aids
to a
Happy
Home Life.
Wood humor is rightly reckoned a-
most valuable aid to happy home life.
An equally good and useful faculty is a
sense of humor, or the capacity to have
a little fun along with the humdrum
cares and work of life. We all know
how it brightens up things generally to
have a lively, witty companion, who
sees the ridiculous points of things, and
who can turn an annoyance into an oc
casion for laughter. It is a great deal
better to laugh over some domestic
mishaps than to cry or scold over them.
Many homes and lives are dull because
they are allowed to become too deeply
impressed with a sense of the cares and
responsibilities of life to recognize its
bright and especially its mirthful side.
Into Mich a household, good but dull,
the advent of a witty, humorous friend
is like sunshine on a cloudy day. While
it is always oppressive to hear persons
constantly striving to say witty or
funny things, it is comfortable to see
what a brightener a little fun is
to make an effort to have some at
home. It is well to turn off an impatient
Jiuestion sometimes, and to regard it
rom a humorous point of view instead
of becoming irritated about it "Wife,
what is the reason I can never find a
clean shirt?" exclaimed a good but
rather impatient husband, after rum
maging all through the wrong drawers.
His wife looked at him steadily for a
moment, half inclined to be provoked,
then with a comical look, she said: "I
never could guess conundrums; I
give
it
up. lhen he laughed, and they
both laughed, and she went and ot his
shirt, and he felt ashamed of himself
and kissed her, and she felt happy; so,
what might have been an occasion for
hard words and unk'nd feelings, be
came just the contrary, all through the
little vein of humor that cropped out to
the surface. Some 'children have a pe
culiar fatuity for giving a humorous
turn to things when they are reproved
It does just as well oftentimes to laugh
things off as to. scold them off. Laugh
ter is better than tears. Let us have .a
little more of it at home. Christian at
Work.
'
A Boy's Autobiography.
Following is the biography of a ten-
year-old youngster of this city's public
jchool, written by himself:
First When and where were you
born? Of what descent?
Second Where have you lived?
Third How have j you spent your
life? j"
Fourth What remarkable things
have happened to you?
Fifth What should you like to be
come?
"I was born in Kansas Citv, Jackson
County, Mo., West Central States, U.
S. A. ; estern Hemisphere; liiesdaj-,
January 13, 187S. j
I am Engu.sh descent. 1 have lived
in Kansas Ci'. all my life.
Once I tumbled down a well, and
was fished o-ut wjjth a clothes-line. I
fell down steps two or three times, and
mashed my fingers ones when I was a
little kid. I got in some jam that had
Cayaone pepper in it, land it made me
dan like a wet hen on a hot brick.
"1 want to become an angel." Kan-
FINNISH
sas City Journal.
THERMOMETERS.
How They Should Be Exposed la Order to
Work Satisfactorily.
One of the first, conditions to be re
garded is that of securing a good height,,
above the ground, on which a consider
able diversity of opinion prevails. Much
depends upon the immediate conditions
of the locality. When this point is de
cided upon, a uniform and satisfactory
shelter or screen should be provided for
the instrument. The height and the
screen should be so adjusted that the
thermometer shall be free from ground
fog, and that access of the air to it
should be perfect. The. shelter should
shield it from all reflected heat, from all
radiation from surrounding objects, as
well as from moisture. Many different
forms of shelter have been contrived in
different countries. In experimenting
upon the merits of these devices, a
standard of comparison Is found in the
swung thermometer, or, as the French
call it, the tiermometre fronde, which is
a common thermometer attached to a
string or wire, and rapidly swung
through a circle " whose radius
is the length or the string. ine
theory of this arrangement is that, as
the instrument is rapidly brought in
contact with a large mass of air, it must
give the temperature of the same, un
less the results are vitiated by other
causes. From a number of experiments
the following conclusions as to the best
Imposition of shelters are advanced:
When exposed to direct sun-heat they -
should be at least thirty-six inches long;
with proper precautions the thermom
eter "fronde" both dry and wet will
give the most correct air temperature
and relative humidity; a single louvre
shelter is sufficient. The interposition
of a second louvre prevents the free
access of air, and if ventilation is used
it must affect the air which is propelled
to the thermometer. For obtaining even
approximate relative humidity in calm
weat her single louvred shelters are nec
essary, and for the best results an In
duced air current is essential, especially
in the winter in northern countries.
When a" window shelter is used there
should be a free air-space of from six to
twelve inches between the shelter on
the north side of the building and the
wall. The simplest form of screen .
would be four pieces of board ten or
twelve inches square, nailed together
box-fashionrleaving the bottom and the
side toward the window open. I he
thermometers, dry and wet, should be
placed live inches apart, near the center
of this screen, with their bulbs project
ing below the plane of the lower edge.
Shade may be given, at such times as
the sun is shining on the norh side of '
the house, by the adjustment of the
window blinds. Chicago Time.
WHAT A BLUNDER. DID.
How a Compositor's Error Came Near
Costing a Man Kls Ufo.
In the Youngstown correspondence of
an evening cotemporary yesterday was
an item to the effect that a well-known -young
Pittsburgher dined in that thriv
ing j-oung; ,eity yesterday. It was
hurriedly sent to the composing-room
with a mass of other copy, where the
intelligent compositor set it
up
"died.
TI.e city editor. saw the item In the
proof and sent a reporter out for an
obituary of the deceased. Supposing,
of course, that the family were already
acquainted with the sad news, the re
porter sought the aged father, who sat
at his desk in a Smithfield Street office.
"Mr said the reporter,- "can
you give me any facts about John's
death?"
"John who?' exclaimed the old gen
tleman. "Why, your son, who died at Youngs
town yesterday."
"My God!" and the old man turned
a deathly white and fell from his chair
to the floor. He was at once laid on a
sofa and a physician summoned. The
now thoroughly frightened reporter ran
back to the ofhee and told his story.
Again the proof was "called down,"
and with it the copy, when the error
was discovered. Again the reporter
was hurried out to make an effort to
repair the mischief he had done. Of
course his second appearance brought
great relief to the stricken father, who
had partially recovered. He was so
broken up by the excitement, however,
that he had to be put in a carriage and
taken home. The reporter wus so
badly rattled by the affair that he had
to put on a "sub" for the remainder of
the day. Pittsburgh Times.
OHIO COLLEGES.
The Buckeye State's Great Number of
These Institutions of Learning.
It is a fact perhaps not generally
known that Ohio has more so-called
colleges than any other State in the'
Union. While Illinois and New York
have twenty-eight each and Pennsylva
nia twenty-six, no . other State
having more than nineteen, Ohio
has thirty-five. But it is only
in the number of these institutions
that the State can boast. Their aggre
gate income from the productive funds
is but $210,510, and from tuition fees
but 8125,382, while the value of all
grounds and buildings is but $3,192,840,
and the number of volumes in their
libraries but 161,302. The number of
students, however, in the preparatory
collegiate departments compares favor
ably with the older States, New York
only surpassing Ohio. How much bet
ter endowed the colleges of Massachu
setts are than those of Ohio may be
seen at a glance. With but seven col
leges they have -an income from pro
ductive funds of $291,812, and receipts
from, tmtion of $166,538 and 303,126
volumes in their libraries; but the value
of buildings and grounds is only $1,
310,000. The colleges of New York and
Pennsylvania are also much better en
dowed than those of Ohio, and are
vastly richer in libraries and apparatus.
Michigan, with only nine colleges,
shows up better than Ohio in the pro
vision made for their support. Ciwctw
nati Commercial Gazette.
Canada has a military force oi
about 39,000 men, comprising about 750
regulars, 500 mounted police and about
37.740 "active militia.'