YOL. III.
ST. HELENS, COLUMBIA COUNTY, OREGON: APRIL 0, 1883.
-NOr35r
, A TTUOLET.
The beauteous Ethel's father hss a
Newly i ainted front piazza
He has a
Piazza:
When with tobacco juice was tainted,
They had that front j-iazaa painted
That tainted
Piazza painted.
Algeron called that night, percham
Arrjyed in comely sealskin pauta
That night perchance
iu gorgeous pa 1113;
Kngaging Ethel in a chat
On that piazza down he sat
v
In chat
They sat.
And when an hour or two had pass'd,
He tried to rise, hut, oh! stuck fast
.t last
Stuck fast !
Fair Ethel shrieked. "It ?s the paint!"
And fainted in a deadly faint
This saint
Piil faint.
Aileron sits there till this day
He cannot tear himself away
Away
Nay, nay!
His pants are linn, the paint is dry
He's nothing else to do but die
To die!
O. my !
21 ALLIES AVE DDI XQ GIFI".
Just over tho border of tiio next year,
Februaiy was the month, and this par
ticular February was not very far away,
Philip Nasselt was to be married. He
was to merge his quiet, laboous, hard
working bachelorhood into what prom
ised to be a much less quiet and hard
working life of wedded happiness, j His
acquaintance with Miss Malbon Russell
was two years old, but its youth was not
indicative of its warmth and strength.
He was of that class of lawyers to
whom their professon is an agreeable
one for itself, and by. whom it is not re
garded as a stepping-stone to political
preferment or political speech making.
Naturally fond of literature, he read
much and believed that there were few
books which would not benefit a lawyer.
And so from reading and study his life
became a quiet and retiring one, and his
excursions into social atmosphere and
the society of young ladies and gentle
men were enjoyable because of their
rarity. He was not a bookworm, but he
had a gravity which twenty-seven years
of life does not usually bring with it.
He seemed to be just the kind of a
husband for Miss Russell. Her father
was of the opinion that she had chosen
well, and he said as much frequently to
his wife. She thought otherwise. Miss
Malbon bore her mother's family name,
which after sundry contractions and
softenings had become "Mallie," and
Mallie it remained. Mrs. Russell's ideas
in regard to her daughter's welfare were
confided to the only person in whom she
had entire confidence and with whom she
had long and frequent conferences that
person being herself. !
"Mr. Russell," said his wife's mental
Toice to its boon companion, her mental
ear, "Mr. Russell is a very good husband
and business man, but as the father of a
young girl who is both an heiress and a
beauty, I have bat an indifferent opinion
of him. Mallie has not so very much
money, to be sure, but she has enough to
make her a very desirable wife, for her
money is her own. If she was a plain,
stay-at-home girl it would not make so
much difference, but she is so pretty and
nice that it is a shame she should marry
a lawyer who is a poky old man before
he is thirty."
When Mallie's engagement was first
talked of, Mrs. Russell opposed it
strongly, and even after it became a fact
she did not cecae her opposition. The
only result was that Mallie thought her
mother at times was disagreeable, and
Philip wondered what he had done to
incur her ill will. There was a pros
pect that Mallie's good sense would be
swamped when she first name otrt social
ly, for she had a neat fortune which her
uncle had left her when a child, and
she was fond of all the gaieties which
make up the life of the average girl. Of
course she was flattered and petted and
was in a fair way to be spoiled apparent
ly, but she came out of it all unscathed,
and at twenty-two was fitted to become a
wife whose family circle would be her
"ultima thule." Her great fault was her
pride. It was sensitive as a mimosa leaf
and hard as glass, and though hidden on
ordinary occasions, it was like mankind,
as it gained strength while it slept. She
was medium in height, with large gray
eyes, light brown hair and clear com
plexion, and was graceful and strong. !
There is a general impression that
Pittsburg is only a huge workshop, a
ooty, dirty iron mill or glass factory,
from which people hurry away as soon as
they become sufficiently wealthy to admit
of it.
And yet within its corporate limits are
miles of orchards 03 fragrant with apple,
peach and pear blossoms in the spring as
those along the Hudson or in quaint old
Duchess county, New York. There are
hundreds of country residences with wide
lawns and cool clumps of forest trees
around them; little valleys so wild that
the gray squirrels chatter among the
oaks and chestnuts, and arbutus blooms
among the fallen leaves and melting
snow; where the underbrush is as dense
as in one of Du Cbaillu's jungles, and
where the shy forest birds built their
nests with fearless confidence that they
will not be robbed by marauding school
boys. Here the melancholy Jacques
could wander with calm contentment,
unbroken by notices of suburban
property to be sold on easy terms, in lots
to suit purchaceis; and yet he would be
within fiiteen minutes' ride of densely
populated, throDged ard busy streets,
which would have delighted the cockney
tasteB of gentle Charles Lamb. It is not
that'the workshop of Pittsburg is small.
but. that her city pleasure grounds were
on a targe scale.
Rambling walks and- rides throuerh
these out-of-the-way books were Philip's
chief recreation in the days before this
engagement, and through him they be -
came one 01 Maine a keenest pleasures.
She liked to hear Philip talk of things
wlncn sue only grasped in part, for al
though far from being stupid or unread,
she was a woman , who thought , phe
should do much and her husband should
know much. j
y "I wonder why people say that people
ho are in love alwavs have trouble? I
ihn't think it is true'f
f They bad driven down an unused
grass-grown road, far into the woods, be
yond East Liberty onb afternoon. Phil
ip's horse had stopped of his own accord
and was gingerly nibbling the bare
branches of a bush. Mallie was in a very
quiet mood, and had been for several
minutes watching the smoke curl up
from Philip's cigar, until she spoke the
thought which seemed a heresy to her.
"I believe," she added in a pretty,
dogmatic manner, and a suspicion of a
frown, "that it is because people are
weak or silly that they are bothered by
things when they fall in lov. If a man
and a woman care for each other and be
lieve they have chosenwisely, that ought
to end all worry. It may be, romantic to
be worried, but it isn't comfortable"
and then after a little pause "well, why
don't you say something?"
"I heard you ask a question, my dear,"
replied Philip, placidly. "But, being a
woman, I knew you would answer it
yourself if I did not interrupt you. I
therefore waited until you satisfied me
that my hypothesis was correct, and since
then I have been wondering how long it
would be before the ash fell from my
cigar." j
"You are a conceited man," cried Mal
lie with a pout. "You; think girls don't
know anything. You and your cigar are
horrid."
"The cigar is prime,!" said unruffled
Philip; "as to the other; clause of the in
dictment we are told that 'only man is
vile.' " j
Mallie's laugh was pleasant to listen
to, and it was frankly forthcoming at
what she called "Philijs absurdity."
But she returned to her subject and said:
"I'm sure you and I would never have
any trouble. I would trust you in every
thing, but if you were ever to deceive
me I would never want to see you again."
"Amen, my dear," said Philip, loyally,
and he kissed her and told her "she was a
very sensible little woman, and then he
drove homeward.
Said Mallie, demurely: "The Play
fords are to have a party Thursday night,
Phil." j
Philip was intent on making a clever
turn to avoid driving into two puddles,
and he said nothing. i
"Madge PI ay ford came to-day and in
sisted on my meeting her New York
cousin, for whom tho party is to be
given" all in a inatterjof-fact tone.
Philip looked a trifle vexed, but said
he hoped she would enjoy herself.
"I on't see any reason for your look
ing cross, my dear," siid Mallie, with a
quaint, combative air that she wore quite
prettily at times. I
"I am not cross, Mallie. I told you a
day or. two ago that I would be unusu
ally busy this week, and could only see
you Thursday evening." Philip was
selfish in the way all lovers are.
"Well, and pray, Mr.! Crossness, what
has that to do with the Playford'aparty?"
then with a quick change of manner,
she rested her cheek against his shou der
and said, "you know I i did not forget
what you said. I told Ma Ige I had an
engagement and could not go oh! you
will crush my hat!" The warning was
unnecessary, for although Philip's 'arm
was around her, he was mindful of her
dainty, plumed hat in a manner not
known to men generally.
"I am sorry you cannot come in and
stay for supper," said Mallie, when they
reached her home. "Those tiresome old
law papers are a nuisance. Now, Phil.,
be here early Thursday,! for 1 shall be all
alone." . j
As early as possible after office hours
on Thursday Philip was ready. As he
stepped into his buggy he heard his
name called, and, turniug, saw one of his
friends with a young girl beside him.
"You are just the man I want to see,
Nassett," said the gentleman, hurriedly.
"I brought Nellie my daughter Mr.
Nassett-1-! brought her in, Philip, to go
to the theater. I have just received a
message which calls me to Cleveland and
I want yon to drive Njrliie out home, like
a good fellow. Willyon? I he te to let
her go home alone and have a long walk
up from the station. j
Philip was in a qnaudary. The young
lady's father, Mr.Thorne, had befriended
him in many ways, and beside that the
cause of the dilemma was very pretty
and evidently anxious jto be escorted
home by her father's friend. The mat
ter was quickly arranged, and Philip ex
cused himself while he wrote a message
to Mallie which he sent to her by his
office boy. In lieu of note paper, he
used a card on which hejwrote, "Have to
do something for Thorne," and then on
the other side he added, "He wants me
to drive his daughter home. I will be
with you at half-past eight."
Mr. Thorne's residence was fully five
miles away, out on the edge of town, and
Philip gradually forgot his vexation and
annoyance, as he discovered that his
companion was as bright and full of fun
as she was pretty. She j had only been
home from school a short time, and she
related some of her adventures at a fash
ionable New York school, in a lively
manner and with manyj animated ges
tures, mimicries and drolleries. Philip
was in nowise disloyal, but he was not
entirely delighted when the drive was
ended and ho said good night, to his fair
obarge.
Mallie had spent the afternoon in visit
ing and shopping, and had remained in
town later than she intended, to. As she
was riding home she saw Philip drive by
in animated conversation with a very
pretty girl, who was a stranger to her,
and she was astonished and rather vexed.
Shortly after reaching home, Philip's
card came, and when she read it she
turned very white and felt sick. She
.went up to her room and read the words
again: "I have to do something for
Thorno." c
"It is not true," she cried. "He has
told me a downright lie. I saw him
with that girl, and he seemed enjoying
himself." He has deceived me and I will
not trust him again. I will not see him
to-night, for he might tell me another
lie and make me hate him worse than I
do."
Hurrying down stairs, Mallie told the
servant that she expected a gentleman,
but she did not want to see him, and
that he must be told she was not at
home.
Philip drove up in front of the house,
rang the door bell, and when the girl
came to the door he stepped in and said,
in his cheerful way, "I wish you would
tell Sam to take mv horse around to the
stable."
"Yes, sir." stammered the girl, "but
Miss Mallie is not home."
"Not home?" echoed Philip, in won
der. "No, sir."
"Where is she?"
The girl felt that she was getting into
a corner, so she said boldly. "She is out
aud she said she would not be home to
night." Thoroughly astonished, Philip slowly
walked down the steps and drove away,
wondering what had happened.
"It can't be that 6he was angry because
I was late," he muttered. "She is too
sensible a girl for that. I'll find out what
it all means in the morning."
And he did. It was but little sleep
Mallie got that night. She cried till her
head ached as if it would split, and then
she sat looking out of her window think
ing it all over. The more she thought of
what had happened the stronger became
her indignation and contempt for Philip,
and very early next day she wrote to
him:
"I have been entirely mistaken in you,
Mr. Nassett, and I find that it is best for
a girl to listen to her mother's advice, as
to men. I shall send you your letters
and that will end everything. If you
have any gentlemanly instinct you will
not seek to intrude upon me, bat will
treat me as if you had never known
me.
This was what Phillip found at his'
office. It so unsettled him that be could
not work, and he went to ask for an ex
planation. He was told that Miss Rus
sell had gone out of town on a visit.
It was weeks after whea they met, and
then Mallie's cool bow was returned in
kind by Philip. His trouble had told
upon him sharply, but no one knew what
he felt, for he was not a man to have con
fidants. He saw Mallie at rare intervals,
and then only in passing on the street.
In December he heard she was to be mar
ried, and when a mutual friend confirmed
the story he shut his teeth tightly and
said nothing. A few days later he was
told that Mrs. Russell was very ill and
not expected to live. Two days before
Christmas he found a bulky letter among
his mail, which was addressed in a lady's
writing. Ho opened it carelessly, but as
he read it he thought he would suffocate.
It was from Mrs. Russell, and it said:
"Mallie wrote these letters to you, but
as I did not think you two were suited
for each other I did not send them. She
does not know it and she must not, for
she is to be married on Christmas day.
I am sorry I did it, but thought it best
then."
Enclosed were two letters, written
when Mallie came home from her flight
after she had broken her engagement.
The first one read: "Phil, dear Phil,
come at once. I have- made a dreadfujl
mistake and want you to forgive your
loving Mallie."
The second note was longer, and bore
a date two days later than the other:
"Oh! Phil, why don't you come? Iam
broken-hearted. Will you never forgive
me? I did wrong, but listen to me. I
only read one side of your card. It said
that you had to do something for Mr.
Therne and could not come to see me. I
saw you driving with a girl I did not
know, and I thought you had deceived
me. I did not know what you meant
until I came home, and then I looked at
the card again and saw what was on the
other side. Phil, dear, you can't be
angry when you know how I have suf
fered. Do, do come and say I am for
given, and am, as I always was, your own
Mallie."
In a postscript, as though the girl's
mood had changed, she added: "If yen
don't coine I will not write again."
Stunned' and bewildered, Philip read
the notes and re-read them, and then he
broke down and uttered savage curses
on the woman who was dying. When he
calmed a little and began to think what
it all meant, he thought he would at once
see Mallie, but he did not go, for he re
membered her wedding day but forty
eight hours distant.
It was not until long after midnight,
when he was in his own room, that he
determined upon the course he would
take. He folded Mallie's poor little,
piteous, ill-fated notes together within
Mrs. Russell's letter and placed them all
in an envelopo, which he addressed to
Mallie, using the name she would assume
on the day when she was a wife. Then
on a slip of paper he wrote ''Mallie's
Christmas and wedding present from
Philip," and this ho put within the notes
before he sealed the envelope. He as
tonished the office boy by making his ap
pearance at eight o'clock the following
morning. 'Take this early to-morrow to
the person to whom it is addressed,"
saia jf nuip, giving tne ooy tne letter he
had written the night before, "and if anv
one calls to see me, say I have gone East
on business and will not be back for a
couple of weeks.
Just as Philip was stepping on the
train to take his departure, a messenger
pulled his- coat-sleeve, and, turning
quickly, a note was placed in his hand.
Opening it he saw, to his astonishment.
it was from Mallie. It seems that his
office boy, instead of waiting until the
next day, had carried the note at once.
The situation flashed through . Mallie's
mind. Everything was now explained.
To-morrow she was to be the bride of a
man sne ma not love, tier mind was
made up in an instant. She sent by
the boy a note to Philip, and he arrived
just as Philip was boarding the train.
All there was in the note was "Philip,
come to me at once." And Philip did
come. He met her a moment later, and
sneprang lorward to meet mm. it is
not necessary to repeat what followed.
It was only the same old story of con
fession and forgiveness. It will not be
necessary to say her wedding did not
take place on the following day, and the
man whom she was to have wedded "got
left;" but as the marriage was more of
Mallie's mother's marking, he readily
acquiesced in what he well knew was a
more pleasant arrangement.
Whipping Children.
A parent who cannot govern a child
without whipping it ought to surrender
the care of that child to some wiser per
son. Sportsmen once thought it nec
essary to lash their dogs in getting them
ready for the field. They know now that
the whip should never be used. Horse
men once thought it necessary to whip
colts to teach them to start at the word
snd pull steadily. They know now that
an apple is better than a lash and a
caress better that a blow. If dogs and
horses can thus be educated without
punishment, what is it in our children
that . makes it necessary to slap and
pound them? Have they less intelligence?
Have they colder hearts? Are they any
lower in the scale of being? We have
heard many old people say: "If we were
to bring up another child we should
never whip it." They are wise but a lit
tle too late. Instead of God doing so
little for children that they must be
whipped to goodness. He has done so
much for them that even a whipping
can't ruin that is as a rule. But alas,
there are many exceptions to thii rule.
Many children are of such quality that a
blow makes them cowardlv, or reckless,
or deceitful, or permanently in temper.
Whipping makes children hate their
parents. Whipping makes them lie.
Whipping makes home unpleasant.makes
boys run away, makes girls seek happi
ness anywhere aud anyhow. Whipping
is barbarous. Don't whip.
Letting $S0O Drop,
A solemn-looking citizen appeared at
Police headquarters yesterday, and
beckoning the Chief into a private room,
said:
"You know that $800 robbery at my
house that I reported to you yesterday
morning?"
"Certainly, and I have put two of our
best men on the case, and "
"Well, I ahem I have decided not
to pursue the matter. You needn't take
any further steps. In fadt "
"You don't mean to say that you have
recovered the money?"
"Oh! not not at all."
"Found a clue, eh?"
"Well, n-o.-o-o, not exactly. The fact
is the money was taken out of my
trousers pockets at night, and and
this morning my wife had sent home a
new sealskin sacque."
"Ah."
1 "And so you see I have about con
cluded to let the matter drop," and with
a deep sigh the bereaved husband drifted
out. S. F. Post.
The Ladles Preferred Clin.
In a neighboring city where the in
habitants are so very, very temperate
that many of them Neal Do wen to say
their prayers, a good old deacon of a
colored church lately called upon the
city agent for the sale of that article,
which, if advisedly used, "cheers, but
not inebriates."
"Mr. L.," says the deacon, bending
low and almost whispering into the ear
of the obliging and affable agent, "Mr.
L., I'se cum to get a quart of spirits for
purely sacramental purposes."
"Yes, deacon, I suppose you want
some light wine, perhaps claret,tarrigonia
or something of that sort."
"Well, boss, if it doesn't make no
sorter difference toard you de ladies dey
have canvassed dis matter, and dey has
come to de 'nanimous 'elusion dat dey
would puier gin."
We think the deacon got it. Boston
Globe.
She Didn't Die.
All in the fashionable world, says the
London Life, will remember that some
months ago a charming and accomplished
young lady met with a frightful accident
through her dress catching fire. So
severe were her injuries that life was
despaired of.the and officiating clerygman
of a well known West End church was
sent for to administer spiritual consola
tion to one believed to be moribund. To
him the lady said:
"As I know that I am dying I have a
secret 1 will disclose to you only. I love
you with my whole heart."
The piompt reply was: t
"You must not die, but live to be my
wife."
I am glad to add that this week the
lady was married to the objeet of her
affections.
j Her Seir-Control.
The power to keep still is very often a
valuable one in critical moments. The
lady echool teacher in New YorK who
quietly and safely led all her pupils ou
of a burning schoolhouse before they
knew that it wason fire might have put
them into a panic and imperiled many
lives if she had not possessed the power
of controlling herself. The following
little incident on board of an English
man-of-war flag-ship is no less creditable
to the girl (Miss Susie Prior) who ap-
pears prominently in it, uecanse sne teiis
iuo Btory uerseu in a private jetter:
'After tea I went on deck for the air
with Mr. Billy.the Commodore's son. As
we leaned over the rails enjoying the
orange sunset, suddenly I had a notion
that T smelt a singed, smokv odor. I
turned tojMr. Billy, without thinking
anytnmg serious naa occurred: 'ir 1
were on shore I should say that some
careless person had allowed the chimney
to get on fire,' and at the same time I
pointed to a particular spot in the ship.
He cried 'Npnsense!' but stopped short.
and raised his head as he too smelt the
faint odor of something burning. In an
instant his face became stem, aud a hard
dogged light came into his eyes. 'Don't
stir, Miss! Prior, till I come back,' he
said. 'If I can I'll be here again in a
moment, and he hurried off in the direc
tion I "had indicated. Then it flashed
upon me that yonder, whence the smell
of the burning came, lay the powder
magazine, j I did not stir from the spot
where Mr. Billy had bidden me stay. It
was not many seconds, though it seemed
an hour, but the night wind was kind
and felt like a cool hand, lifting the
damp hair from my temples, and keep
ing me from falling down in a swoon.
Mr. Billy came back very quietly and
spoke composedly, but his voice was low
and his lip quivered. 'It is all right
now, and safe,' he assured me. 'What
was wrong?' I asked. 'Only a stupid
fellow, who was assisting in moving the
stores (thei powder) and who had no
business to have a light there dropped
a Bpark among some bagging and it was
getting ablaze. Bat I got there in time
to stamp it out; and the .captain of the
gunners finished the business with a wet
blanket. But how well you behaved,
Miss Prior,' he said, forgetting his own
conduct and appreciation of danger. 'If
you had made a row and detained me,
nothing short of a miracle could
have saved !all on board the Conqueror
from being whirled into eternity.
Even if the accident had got wind and
thrown nsj into confusion, there is no
saying where the matter might have
ended. I who am in the secret, shall
thank you for all your lives, and for that
of my dear old mother's twice over. Had
a whisper of the terrifiis danger reached
her, with my father absent, 1 am certain
it would have cost her life on the spot.' "
The End of a Beamy.
Of the Duchess de Chaulnes, who
ately died in Paris, the Pari3 corre
spondent of; the London News says that
her health was quite broken down by the
scandal, excitement and weariness of
spirit caused by her lawsuit and by the
terrible habic she had acquired 01 using
morphine. She was, while the guest of
her humble friend, in a state of. constant
stupor. Since her suit had been rejected
by the Court of Appeal her life has been
uncertain and reckless. She quarreled
with her mother, and when she asked for
hospitality at Villette, 6f a very strug
gling family, she said that if it was re
used she had no resource except that of
throwing herself into the Seine. She
had, as death approached, sufficient con
sciousness to see a priest and give direc
tions for her burial, and she asked the
people she was with to telegraph to the
Duchesse de Chevreuse, her mother-in-
aw, that she was making a Christian end.
Notwithstanding the absence of her hair,
which she had cut off to sell but could
not make up her mind to part with, the
Duchesse retained her beauty to the end.
The house in which she died, in the Rue
d'Allemagne, is a sort of barrack in which
poor clerks and working people lodge.
Her father was the Prince Galitzm, whose
conversion irom ureeK ortnodoxy to
Catholicism! so exasperated the Czar
Nicholas. She was sister-in-law of tho
JJuchesse du Luynes, who is a leader of
the Carlist section of the fasuionaoie
world at Cannes. The correspondent
adds: "I saw her as a bride. Never did
a young and aristocratic beauty enter the
world under brighter auspices. Her
head was soon turned with adulation.
She was not devoid of mother wit, but
had not a grain of common sense."
Tolnt Oat Your House."
This was I a club dialogue and its
sequal: i
Q. What are you smoKingr
A. An imported Havana.
Q. How much does it cost?
A, A quarter.
Q. How many do you smoke a day?
A. Half a dozen.
Q. How long have yon smoked?
A. -Thirty years.
Advice My friend, with that amount
of money you could have bought a house
on Fifth avenue. -
The parties quitted the Brunswick and
strolled up town. As they came near the
Windsor, the smoker asked:
Q. You never smoke?
A. Never.
Sarcastic query Then point out your
House. .
A verv fashionable material for dressv
home toilets is cream-white serged flan-
1 A. J ill. 1 1 .1 .1
nei, irimmeu wuu long loops uuu euus
of white moire or satin ribbon:
For young married ladies this fabric is
made into tea-gowns and Grecian robes,
with trimmings of lace and white silk
embroidery or braiding.
AlOi bUKTS.
An imitation drum is hard to beat.
Underwriters The editor's assistants.
A pair of slippers Orange and banana
skins.
Wanted A new advertising dodge for
actresses.
Good advice, like vaccination, doesn't
always "take."
Language of the flowers You be
bio wed. Life.
It is thought that the tax on chewing.
gum will stick.
One way to give a man "a chance to
rise in the world" knock him down.
, Fannie: You are richL It i bettor
to return a kiss for a blow. And a trood
deal sweeter.
An exchange asks. "Will the cominc
woman work?'.' She will if sli marris a.
lazy husband.
How appropriate are names! Garments
that have to be stuffed out with cotton
are called tights.
"Temptation" is the nama nf a salnnn
in Troy. A great many men are led into
it. Detroit Free Press.
Cato did not be?in to learn th CItmIc
language until he was eichtv-fonr ve&ra
of age. Cato was mighty level-headed.-
A little New Hartford thrwpAwi1d
boy, in admirinsr his babv brother, ex
claimed: "He's crot a boilod h and lilcA
papa. Cleve Herald.
Maine sold S125.000 worth of
gum this year. The number of jaws that
wagged in masticatincr the stuff is not
yet reported. N. Y. Com.'
Colonel Incersbll assumes to lealnra
about hell. Let him wait flfiv vears or
so, and he'll he a heap better qualified to
taiK on tnac su eject. iioston Post.
A; man who had climbed Mount BlAnn
seven times in safetv was killed tha ntliar
day while trying to go up a step-ladder.
is prudence any use. Boston Post.
The weather is never cold enough to
compel the chap with a paste "ring- to ,
wear a glove on the band adorned bv the
incandescent jewel. N. Y, Com.
A Vermont man who Is applying for a
pension says he distinguished himself by
staying at Home during the war. Every
body else in the village went to Canada. ,
A reckless genius with a talent for re
search has discovered that the presiding
officer of a caucus is called "the chair,"
because everybody likes to sit down ou
nim.
President Carter of Williams College
represents himself in his removal from
Connecticut, where he was born, to Mas
sachusetts, as a "nutmeg coming to the
greater."
A question for lawyers If a flea bites
i dog, and so enrages the animal that
he dog bites a man, can the flea bo in
dicted as an accessory before the fact?'
Bos. Trans.
An old sharp advertised :"Book-keeping
taught in one lesson; teims. one dollar."
He got a large class on the opening
night, and. after they were seateel and
the dollars rushed in, he said: "The
whole art of book-keeping hinges on
hree words Never lend them The
Judge.
Why They Ybxlkd. "What on earth
uia&un yuu ttuuemuce mat you extract
1 . L 1 J - L L.
teeth without pain? Didn 1 1 hear every
patient you had up here yell?"
"lou did, sir, replies the peripatetic
dentist, "but those were shrieks of joy
which they uttered, sir!. They were so
delighted, sir, at being painlessly re
lieved that they could not restrain "their
enthusiasm.
"Say, why is a hawk like an editor
said our spring poet, pensively, the
other day.
"Because he soars aloft in the blue
empyrean, and " .
"Stop." That ain't it." j
"Then why?"
"Because he lives by his talons."
They have laid him gently to sleep,
where the weary are at rest, and board
bills are an unknown quantity.
A Mould -be King.
The first of the would-be assassins of
Queen Victoria has just died in the crim
inal lunatic asylnm at Broadmoor. His
name was John Goode, and he formerly
hejd a captain's commission in the Tenth
Royal Hussars. He was 'taken into cus
tody on her Majesty's birthday, the 24th
of May, 1837, for creating a disturbance
in, end forcibly entering, the enclosure
of Kensington Palace. Qn Saturday
afternoon, in the middle of November,
the same year, the Queen was passing in
her open carriage through Bird-cage
walk, St. James', on her way to Bucking
ham Palace, when Captain Goode sud
denly sprang to the side of her carriage
and made use of threatening gestures
and language. The Queen heard
the threats distinctly, and on alighting
from her carriage directed her equerry
to cause the man to be taken into custody.
Brought before . the authorities he
declared that he was the son of George
IV. and Queen Caroline, was burn in
Montague Palace, Blackheath, and was
entitled to the throne of England. Upon
every other subject unconnected with
the royal family he spoke in a most
rational manner, but when the Queen's
name was mentioned he became exceed
ingly violent. He was committed to pris
on, and on entering the coach engaged
to convey him he smashed the windows
with his elbows and screamed out to
the sentinels, "Guards of England, do
your duty and rescue your sovereign,"
He was tried at the Queen's Bench for
using seditious language to the Queen, i
and was sent to Bethlehem Asylum as in
sane. He was admitted to Broadmoor in
Maroh, 1364, where he remained until
his death.