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ST. HELENS, COLUMBIA COUNTY, OREGON, JANUARY 26, 1883
VOL. III.
NO. 25.,
ALFONSO.
KLLA WHEtLER.
v. ni Alfononf Thrice I've said thee nay
Why dost thou linger here and plead, and sigh?
What though I gave thee hope on yeswruay
That was an ago gone by.
Whv I men have wandered desjlate and poor,
Stun with the paiu remembered pleasure briugs
Feeding on crusts beside some cottage uoor,
Who yesterday were Kings.
Women have walked up scaffolds all alone,
Jeered by the crowed, boarce given lime to pray,
Who sat in purple robes upon a t a roue,
Proud Queens on yesterday.
Men have gone forth to battle with each otlnar.
In deadly strife to struggle and to slay,
Who atone boa.d, as brother sits by brother,
Feasted on yesterday.
So say not I arn fickle, or unkind.
Or false, Alfonso, that 1 say thee Nay:
Nor call ma cruel that I. change my mind
It is the whole world's way.
SECRETS OF I1IK CIKCU.
The gymnast, although modest, was
willing to speak of his'achievenients. As
he blew smoke from a big cigar through
his bristly mustache, he did not look as
if he hadever been a woman; but he was
a woman to all appearances for several
. years.
"Is your name Mr. Lulu?" asked the
reporter.
"No; just Lulu."
"Been in the show business all your
lif 3?"
"Since T was a boy, but my perform
. ances have always been of a special char
acter that of making flights through the
air. For several years after my first ap
pearance I was a girl. V by was 1 lie-
cause it enhanced the interest or the per
formance. A crowd at a circus will eye
a woman with intense curiosity when
they wouldn't think of looking at a man.
you know. When the spectators saw me
shoot up into the air to a height of forty
feet or more, as quick as tliouglit, witli.
out knowing how it wa3 done, they were
filled with wonder and admiration. They
thought that there must be something
supernatural about it.
"Were you not suspected of not being
a woman?"
"My sex was always a matter of spec
ulation, but my appearance was in favor
of the theory that I was a woman; nnd
no one could assert that I was not.
When I was yoanger my face was of an
essentially feminine type. I maintained
my disguise under all circumstances;
even my intimate acquaintances were de
ceived. My hair, which was very light,
-was allowed to grow-long, and was
put up in curl papers every
night, as regularly as the locks of the
most finical maiden. My dresses were
marvels of art, and if I may say it the
envy of women. I received all sorts of
attentions from men. No favorite eques
trienne ever received more notes or dow
ers. Once I was asked to act as brides
maid at a wedding, and as I could not re
fuse, I went through the ceremony,
blushing when it was proper and look
ing demure and sorry just at the right
moment. But the greatest trial I ever
had was in fighting off a German baron
who wanted to marry me. He attended
my performances, night after night, sent
me flowers end messages and made use
of every opportunity he could to express
his devotion. He followed me from
town to town, and it was with great diffi
culty that I got rid of his attentions at
last."
"flow was your perpendicular leap''
made?"
"By means of a mechanical device,"
replied the gymnast, twirling his mous
tache. "It is necessary to have innova
tions in all forms of amusement. The
world grows tired of old tricks. I stood
in full view of the spectators on an iron
plate about a foot in diameter, which
was attached to a spindle running down
through a frame work. This spindle was
thrown up a distance of seven feet above
the stage by means of rubber springs,
carrying the plate with :t. The springs
were powerful enough to send my body
through the air like a shot. Another set
of rubber bands jerked the spindle back
as quickly as it shot out, so that the mo
tion both ways was too quick for sight.
On reaching my distance I caught hold
of ropes."
"Is this performance dangerous?" ..
"Very. It was necessary to pose my
body so that it would be exactly in line
with the median line of the spindle.
Otherwise I would receive a severe
shock, be thrown in the wrong -direction
and miss the ropes. The least delay in
releasing the spring after the signal is
given increases the danger."
"Did you ever meet with any serious
accident when making this flight?"
"One night at Dublin the machine
was imperfect and the spring became re
leased before I was ready, throwing me
on my head and shoulders in the
orchestra circle. There was a great up
roar in the house. When they carried
me out they thought I was dead. This
performance is so dangerous, fin fact,
that no other gymnast has ever under
taken it."
"What sensations do you experi
ence?" "I feel as if the earth had suddenly
fallen from under me. But there is
really no time for thought. I am at the
ropes in an instant."
"How are you abl- to giasp the
ropes?"
'By instinct. I can see nothing."
"What induced you to give up this
performance?"
"I grew too stout. One day my body
was almost telescoped by the shock. I
then set to work to devise a machine
that would enable me to distribute the
force over my whole body. The result
was the catapult, after several months
spent in making experiments. This
machine is very simple in its construc
tion. An iron plane J about fifteen feet
long is suspended on an axle at a slight
angle. Rubber springs are made to act
so as to throw the plane forward sud
denly into a position j nearly perpendicu
lar. .This .movement throws my body,
which is lying at full length at the upper
end of the plane, so that I describe an
arc and alight in a net about sixty feet
from the machine. My first performance
on the catapult was giyeu three years ago
in Blackpool, England. , ,
"Were you successful at first?" J
"I was nearly killed two or three times
although I had experimented for months
with weights and stuffed figures. I could
not tell ho far the machine would throw
me orin what position I would alight. The
first time 1 was thrown, l lost ail sense o
what I was doing or where I was going
I was utterly helpless, and came down
into the net on my head and face. My
head was so cut and bruised that my
hair came out in bunches
"How many turns 'do you make in de
scribing the arc?
"Formerly I made three, but a triple
somersault is dangerous, xou lose com
mand of yourself after completing the
second turn."
"Is your course through the air the
same every time? '
"No: a different calculation has to be
made for each flight, j I am not able to
tell how far I am going until half the
force of the impulse is spent. Then the
turns are made so that I may come down
on my shoulders into) the net.
"Have you ever used any other me
chanical device? j
"In London I made the experiment o
using a machine much the same as the
catapult, but suuended in mid-air. The
springs were so adjusted that the iron
beam on which I lay, when released, de
scribed almost a semi circle, so that
when my body left it, I was underneath
instead of on top of it.'
"What sort of a line did vour body de
scribe in passing through the air?
"This machine throw me a distance of
200 feet in almost a straight line. My
movement was so straight and so swift
that it was almost impossible for me to
turn my body, even once. In fact, I did
not recover consciousness until my force
was nearly spent. Besides the impulse
of the machine gave j me such a severe
shock that the feat I was attended with
very great danger. mis account x
was forced to abandon this performance
after several trials.
"What is the principle of the cannon
from which gymnasts are sometimes
hurled?" !
"The same principle is involved in this
machine as that used in making the per
pendicular flight, the only 4n"'9reilce
being that the body is sent m an oblique
line upward, instead of perpendicularly
into the air. As the i performer can get
his position with perfect safety, this feat
is not attended with much danger."
"How is the spring released in thi3
instrument?" t
"By means of a trigger set off by the
explosion of powder.!';
"How is the mystery of the aerial
dance explained?" j
"This advice is the same in principle
as
the others, with, of course, a differ-
ence in the arrangements oi the springs
and the addition of wire and pulleys,
which enable the body to ascend and de
scend slowly. If the springs were al
lowed to be released suddenly, the
dancer' would be thrown into the air
witn great iorce. xuis is prevented oy
means of a urate, managed by a man
behind the scenes. As the entire ma
chinery is concealed from view, the illu
sion is almost complete."
"What is the secret of the perform
ance made by the young woman who
slides from the top of the canvas to the
ground by her back hair?"
The gymnast smiled.
"There is a trick about that," he said,
"which you thiDk the spectators would
easily perceive, but they do not. As a
matter of fact she sits iu an iron frame
which emerges from her costume at the
back of her neck. A small leather loop
is fastened to a ring in the frame, and
attached to a wheel which slides down
the rope." I
"Why is it that other gymnasts do not
attempt the catapult feat?"
"They are afraid of it. It requires
more nerve than leaping, vaulting, or
any of the ordinary acrobatic feats, and
have never been able to nnd a man
willing to try it. Lizzie Devine at
tempted the feat several times, and met
her death at Wilkesbarre, Penn., the
year before la3t, in attempting to make a
flight. Her difficulty was in not being
able to command herself while in the
air. The poor girl came down in bad
shape, injuring her spine, and in two
days was dead." f N. x . Tribune.
A Young Woman Beared to Dfatli.
A story of a very peculiar death comes
to-day from Hendricks near Shelbyville,
Ind. Lust October Mr. Hugh Brannan
gave a social dance at his boase, which
was attended by all the young people of
the neighborhood. Among the guests
were Miss Lottie Stroup, daughter of
Mr. Pter Stroup, a well known citizen,
and her cousin, John Brant. During
the evening young Brant and a fellow
named Thurston got (into a fight which
resulted in Brant getting a terrible
whipping. Some one informed Miss
Stroup that her cousinj was killed, and
instinctively she ran: to where he was
lying in the yard where the fight took
place. Brant was not 'dead, and, as Miss
Stroup knelt at his side, he turned over,
showing his face covered with blood and
bruises. The sight so; horrified the lady
that) she fainted and then had a spasm,
from which she never returned to con
sciousness. Yesterday, after being in a
semi-unconscious condition, sue died,
just forty days
fright.
after fcho received her!
Hark Twain ou Women.
At the New England dinner in New
York one night not long 'since, Mark
! Twain responded to the toast "Woman;
j God bless her!" He spoke in his most
deliberate manner, smoking all the time,
and interrupted at almost every sentence
with roars of laug'attr. This was what
he said:
"The toast includes the sex univer
sally. It is to women, comprehensively,
wheresoever she may be found. Let us
consider her wavs: First comes the
matter of dress. This is a most impor
tant consideration" in a su bject of this
nature, and must be disposed of before
we can intelligently proceed to examine
the profounder depths of the theme. For
text, let us take the dress of two anti-
pod el types the savage and the culti
vated daughter of our high modern
civilization.
"Among the Fans, a great negro tribe,
a woman, when dressed for home, or to
go to market, or to go out sailing, does
not wear anything at all but just her
complexion. That is all. That is her
entire outfit. It is the legitimate cos
tume of the world, but it is made of the
darkest material. It has often been mis
taken for mourning. It is the trimmest
and neatest and gracefullest costume
that was ever in fashion; it wears veil;
it doesn't show dirt. . You don't have to
sond it down town to wash, and have
some of it come back scorched with the
flatiron, and some of it with the buttons
ironed off, and some of it petrified with
starch, and some of it chewed by the calf,
and some of it rotted with acids, and
1 1 m t
some exenanged lor otuer costumes or
things that haven't any virtue but holi
ness, and ten-twelfths of the pieces over
charged for, and the rest of the dozen
mislaid. And it always fits; it is the
perfection of a fit. And it is the hand
iest dress in the.whole realm of fashion.
It is always done up. When you call on
a Fan lady, and send up your card, the
hired girl never says, 'Please take
a seat; madam is dressing; she will be
down in three-quarters of an hour.'
No! madam is always dressed, always
ready to receive, and, before you can get
the door mat before your eyes she is in
your midst. Then, again, the Fan ladies
don't go to church to see what the others
have on; and they don't go back home
and describe and slander it.
"Such is the child of savagery as to
every day toilet; and thus, curiously
enough, she finds a point of contact with
the fair daughter of civilization and high
fashion, who often has 'nothing to wear;'
and thus these widely separated types of
the .sex meet upon common ground.
I es, such is the Ian woman as sheap
pears in her simple, unostentatious
every day toilet. Bat on state occasions
she is more dressy. At a banquet she
wears bracelets; at a lecture she wears
ear-rings and a belt; at a ball she wears
stockings, and with true feminine fond
ness for display, she wears them on her
arms. At a funeral she wears a jacket of
tar and ashes; at a wedding, the bride
who can afford it puts on pantaloons.
There the dark child of savagery and the
fair daughter of civilization meet onoo
more upon common ground; and these
wo touches of nature make the whole
world km.
"Now we will consider the dress of our
other type. A large part of the daughter
of civilization is her dress, as it should
be. Some civilized women would lose
half their charm without dress, and
some would lose all of it. The daughter
of modern civilization, dressed at her
utmost best, is a marvel of exquisite and
beautiful art and expense. All the
ands, all the climes, and all the arts are
aid under tribute to furnish her forth.
Her linen is from Belfast; her robe is
rum Paris; her lace is from Venice, or
Spain, or France; her feathers are from
the remote regions- of Southern Africa;
her furs are from the remoter home of
the iceberg and the auror of her fan
rom Japan; her diamonds from Brazil;
her bracelets from California; her pearls
rom Ceylon; her cameo from Rome;
she has gems and trinkets from buried
Pompeii, and others that graced comely
isyptian forms that have been dust and
ashes now for forty centuries, her watch
is from Geneva, the card case is from
China, her hair from, from, from I
don't kuov where her hair is from
never could find out.
That is her other hair
her
public hair her Sunday hair. I
don't mean the hair she goes to bed with.
Why you ought to know the hair I mean;
it's that thing which she calls a switch,
and which resembles a switch as much as
it resembles a brickbat or a shotgun, or
any other taing which you correct peo
ple with. It's that thing which she
twists and then coils round and round
her head beehive fashion, and then tucks
he end in under the hive and harpoons
it with a hairpin. And that reminds me
of a trifle. Any time you want to. you
can glance around the carpet of a Pull
man car and go out and pick up a hair
pin; but, not to save vour life, can vou
get any woman in that car to acknowl
edge that hairpin.. Now, isn't that
strange? But it's true. The woman who
has never swerved from castiron veracity
and fidelity in her whole life will, when
conironted with this crucial test, deny
her hairpin. She will deny that hair
pin beforo a hundred witnesses. I hare'
stupidity got into more trouble and
more hot water trying to hunt up the
owner of a hairpin in a Pullman car than
by any other indiscretion of my life.
"Well, you see what the daughter of
civilization is when she is dressed, and
you have seen what the daughter of sav
agery is when she isn't. Such is woman
as to costume. I come, now, to con
sider her in her higher and nobler re
spects as mother, wife, widow, grass
widow, mother-in-law, hired . girl tele
graph operator, telephone helloer, queen,
wet nurse, stepmother, boss, profes
sional fat woman, professional doable
headed woman, professional beauty, and
so iortn ana so on. we will; szmpiv dis
cuss these few let the rest of the sex
tarry in Jerico till we oome again."
Jb irst on tne list, and first in our grati-
tude, comes a woman who who look-
mg ai uis waicu j . .uear me, l am op-1 solitary in her habits, and with appar
posed to this ten minute rule, which I ently no! thought beyond her daily
supposes an men nave equal powers 'and
mnrmities. it taices me as long to get
out fifty words as it does some of these
glib fellows to say 500: and when I've
done I haven't said anything, and they
haven't either. But, you see. I have had
time to introduce my subject, l took a
large contract, and if I had had until
ttart TVwAf ft! Tiara1 Tkatf f t m oofioflail tViaf
I could discuss it as adeauatelr and as
appreciatively as so gracious and noble
1 J
a theme deserves. Bat, as tne matter
stands now, let us nmsn ; as we began,
ana say wicnout jesting, out wicn an sin-
.1 'il . i , i i . -
centy: "Woman: God bless her!" I Ap -
plause.
Their First Appearance.
Envelopes were first used in 1839.
Anaesthesia was discovered in-1844E. t
The first steel pen was made in 1830.
The first air pump was made in 1654.
The first lucifer match was made
in
1798.
Mohammed was born at Mecca about
70.
The first iron steamship was built in
1830.
The first balloon ascent was made in
1798,
Coaches were first used in England in
The first steel plate was discovered in
1830.
The first horse railroad was built
in
1826 27.
The Franciscans arrived in England in
1224.
The first steamboat plied the Hudson
in iuv.
The entire Hebrew Bible was printed
in 14SS.
- Ships were first "copper bottomed
in
1783. -
Gold was first discovered in California
in 1848.
The first telescope was used in Eng
land in 1608.
Christianity was introduced into Japan
in lo4'J.
The first watches were made at Nnren
burg in 1477.
First saw makers anvil: brought to
America in 1819.
First almanac printed by Geo. Von
Furbach in 1460.
The first newspaper advertisement ap
peared in 1652.
Percussion arms were used in the U.
S. Army in 1830.
The first use of a locomotive in this
country was in 1829.
Uinmbuses were first introduced in
New York in 1830.
Kerosene was first used
for lighting 1
purposes in 1820.
The hrst copper cent was coined in
New Haven in 1687.
The first glass factory in the United
States was built in 1780.
The first printing press in the United
States was workedlm 1020.
Glass windows were first introduced
into England in the eighth centnry.
The first steam engine on this continent
was brought from England in 1753.
The first complete sewing machine was
patented by Ehas Howe, Jr., in 1845.
The first Society for the Promotion
of
Christian Knowledge was organized
in
loya.
The hrst attempt to manaiaotnre pins
in this conntry was made soon after the
war of 1812.
The first prayer book of Edward VI.
came into use by authority oi irariia
ment on Whit Sunday, 1549.
The first temperance society in this
country was organized in Saratoga coun
ty, N. X., inMarch, 1808.
What an Old Man Policed.
Jhave noticed that all men are honest
when well watched.
I have noticed that burses will hold
pennies as. well as pounds.
1 have noticed that in order to be a
reasonable creature, it is necessary at
at times to be downright mad.
1 have noticed that some men are so
honest necessity compels them to be dis
honest in the end.
I have noticed that silks, broadcloths
and jewels are often bought with other
people's money.
X have noticed that whatever is, is
right, with a few exceptions the left
eye, the left
leg
and the left side of a
plum pudding.
I have noticed that the prayer of a sel
fish man is. "forgive us our debts.'
while he makes everybody that owes him
pay the utmost farthing.
I have noticed that he who thinks
every man a rogue is very certain to see
one when he shaves . himself, and he
ought, in mercy to his neighbor, to sur
render the rascal to justice, i
I have noticed that money is the fool s
vxoiAuiix, mo auao a rrpumiiuu, mo pmur i
man s desire, the covetous man's ambi
tion, and the idol of all.
I have noticed that all men speak well
of all men's virtues when they are dead,
and that tombstones are marked with the
epitaphs of the good and virtuous. Is
there any particular cemetery where the
bad are buried?
is a new
word in use in England. When a body
of soldiers alight from railway cars they
"detrain." Pretty soon the papers will
teem with, "dehorsecar, "decarnage,
"deomnibus " "dehack,""decanalboat,"
and so forth
'And when we are in prosperity we are
ready to thins our mountain will never
be brought low: so when we. are in ad
versity, we are ready to think our valley
will never be filled up. ! -
J Napoleon's Weird Sister.
I One day while Prince Lonia Nanoleon
J was President of the French Republic an
elder! y sewing woman one Augelique
Beltoise-f homely, unlettered, silent and
I drudgery, presented herself before her
employers, her face glowing as if it had
been transfigured. During the night
she said she had been visited bv a being
radiant with light and beauty ,which had
imperiously Did ner rise and write cer
tain verses from dictation. "I obeyed.
3, ... M - ..'I
I frtvi
vw jaubT O'lB wuu. DUUHUJK
infinitely annerior , to . W own ral .
I i. " . . ...
j yet resembling it, were written verses
I not up to Hugo s standard, perhaps, but
iar beyond ner capacity or education.
I TT . r : i . .4. .
l xxer inenas endeavored to ridicule or
1 soothe her out of her belief, but in vain,
and she insisted in selling what few pos-
T . : w mm m
sessions sne nau in order , to have her
verses.copied and richly bound After hav
ing gone to ; the Elysee several
times, being refused admission, she sent
the volume to the prince president
through the mail. "When Louis has
read it," she said confidently, "he will
send for me." Sure enough, after soma
time a messenger came desiring her at
tendance at the Ely see f Thither she
went and was received by M. Mecquard,
who questioned her, and, taking her for
a crazy woman, deolined to let her see
the prince, but offered her money. This
she declined, only professing her anx
iety to be; informed that the verses had
really reached Louis Napoleon. This
assurance being given, she said with
satisfaction: "Very well. Then he
knows his f uture-I can die." Nor did
she long survive the event. The verses
contained a prediction that Napoleon
would beoome emperor and marry a for
eigner, pyiwnom no would, have a son.
and added that immense power to which
he was to attain would tumble into a
catastrophe as great, which khe and his
son were not long to survive.
Death; of JosephHe C. Metker.
Miss Josephine C. Meeker, daughter
of the late N. C. Meeker, who was tor
tured and killed by the u to Indians in
the massacre of 1879,-died in Washing
ton, recently, of pneumonia. She was a
clerk in the office of the Secretary of the
Interior, and was held in high esteem
for her personal qualities. Miss Meeker
and her mother were prisoners in the.
hands of the Ute Indians for some time,
and were finally rescued by General
A lams.
In 1870 the Colorado Utes became dis
affected on account of the encroach
ments of miners and prospectors who
would not keep away from their reserva
tion. Late in September they began
open, hostilities, killed a few whites, and
attacked the United States troops who
were hastening to the relief of the Milk
River agency, where N. C. Meeker, the
Indian agent, lived with his wife and
daughter Josephine. Some weeks before
the soldiers succeeded in forcing a way
ttfrough to1 the agency, Mr. Meeker was
shot, and Mrs. Meeker, Josephine, and
another woman were carried ou by the
hostile Indians. They were prisoners
for about a month, and were finally re
leased, mainly through the efforts of the
Ute chief Ouray. While in the hostile
camp MisslMeeker distinguished herself
by her coolness and presence of mind.
When the! Ute chief Douglas placed a
gun at her head she did not flinch, but
told him she was afraid neither of In
dians nor of death, and he skulked away.
The women believed they owed their
lives to Susan, the sister of .Oury, who
protected thsm as far as she could and
pleaded in tne council for their release.
Atlanta, Ga., the city which delights
to speak of itself as the most enterpris
ing and metropolitan of southern cities,
and not without some reason (or its
pretty ; conceit, cannot remember the
dav when a good beefsteak was for. sale
within its corporate limits. But Uhi-
eago is coming to Atlanta's relief. The
fat and wholesome beeves raised by the
Tennessee fand Kentucky farmers will.
still go to the markets of Cincinnati and
Chicago, bat Atlanta will have beef that
is eauallv good. Arrangements nave
been made for the daily shipment, in re
frigerator cars, of choice Chicago dressed
beer, and it is expected that tne experi
ment will prove a great success. It is
not too much to hope that this business
: - - ....
win oe prontaoiv extended until it wiu
be possible to got a good, inicy beef
steak in anv of the large towns ox the
south. Perhaps, in time, some other
animal than a half starved steer will be
cut up for consumption even at the
average southern railway restaurant.
No doubt some very palatable edibles
can now be procured an sucn piaces,
which cannot be duplicated at the
north: but! it will add much to the
pleasure of southern railway travel when
the, restaurant keener can furnish a glass
Gf ryood water gratis ana a nice steas or
plate of roast beef for a reasonable sum.
j ; .
A correspondent asks how a cardinal
satin cushion can be trimmed. - A pale
blue satin piueu Dana laid on . diagonally
and caught with iancy suks in some
pretty embroidery stitch makes a hand
some trimming, or a square of satin
with daisies embroidered on it is pretty.
"P n lMf co ana -asienedat
the corners only. This square may be
of velvet, with a spray of flowers in, rib
bon or; chenille embroidery. Another
way is to embroider a spray of batchelor-
buttons and a branch of golden rod in
one corner . oi the cushion coverings :
finish the edge with a cord of blue and
yellow silk, and at each corner put a soft
silk tassel; tie this to a gilt cresent with
a small cord, and sew that to the corner
of the cushion.
ALL BOUTS .
A leading animal The blind man's
dog.
A deadlock The fastening of a ceme
tery gate.
Hops are plentiful when the' dancing
ibeason sets in.
An nnfavorable outlook From behind
the prison bars.
A lynching affair out West is called a
"swinging soiree."
An experienced barber never talks hair
I A km ii
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cigar is known by its scents.
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Fishing is called angling because so
many crooked stories are told about it.
It takes a pretty smart man to guess
correctly what a boy a pockets contain.
Ladies stockings are still worn very
long- sometimes as long as two weeks.
Santa Claus can fill more Sunday
school seats than any other man on the
The earth worm is said to be
deaf; dumb and blind, yet it is a great
oore.
When a tailor is making- a suit bo-
finds that it pays to mind his sewn busi
ness. If you want to marry a servantr girl ?
all yoa have to do is to ring the area
belle.
A love-sick maiden may be little . and
yet make herself conspicuous by her
sighs. .
Herr Most has arrived in Chicago and
his friends want tp bo with Herr Most of
the time. - . '-' r. - :
A correspondent reminds us that the!
nngrammatical waiter, invariably asserts
Over 100,000 white' Virginians having
paid no poll taxes, could not vote in the
late election.
The national debt has been diminished
to the amount of $66,000,000 since July
five months.
When chickens roost high in the South
colored folks manage to fill np on but
termilk and beans.
A pointer: If you can't spell, write
such a bad hand that nobody can tell
what the letters are.
Buckwheat flour is so much adulter
ated now tht bv anr other means it
would smell as wheat.
Say, for instance, a dog loses his
paw, and a rooster loses his maw, does
it make orphans of them?
The boy who ten years ago used to
box the girls' ears in school, now smacks
their mouths in the parlor. -,
The latest remedy for a toothache is
twisting a mule tail. If the cure doesn't
work the animal will.
When a youth wears a collar for a
week and - can't see any dirt on it, he
must be entirely collar blind.
The youth who gets shaved for the
first time by a barber doesn't know
whether to feel tickled or ashamed.
The fat patient who was advised by
his physician to try a light diet ate
enough pop-corn to float a balloon.
Love's sacrifice Buying your wifa a
sealskin sacque and wearing vour ten-
year-old overcoat another winter.
House football is indulged in by
young ladies, but there isn't much fun
in it, as they can t krek each other s
shins.
It is all very well to tell us that
"sweet are the uses of adversity but .
we would rather be spoiled tho other
way. .
"What would you do, Mr. M., if
your wife died?" asked Mrs. D. Mr. M.
(who is very methodical) "I would bury
her."
When Hamlet said, "I have that with
in which passeth slow," he doubtless re
ferred to a complimentary ticket to the
circus. .
"Why do you hide. Johnny?" said one
boy to another. "I hide to save my hide."
replied the other, as he hied away to a
secure spot.
An enterprising editor writes on "How
to Treat Women." The only safe way
for one's pocketbook is never to show
them a bill of fare.
American women are said to be the
most graceful in the world; but what an
awful mess they make of it when they
try to throw a stone.
When it gets so cold that a man's
breath is congealed while talking then
this country can consistently claim to be
"the land of freeze speech."
A juryman was asked if the judge had
charged him. "Faith," said he. "the
man lectured ns a good deal, bat I don't
believe he meant to charge for it." ,
A friend of oars recently endeavored
to excuse himself from serving on the
grand jury on the ground that he was
color blind, and, therefore, couldn't try
a negro.
"This is an ice day." said the little
brooklet, as it looked through a hole iu
its hat. "That's what I thawed." re
marked the sun, as he began to get in
his fine work.
"Have you ever seen a mermaid, cop-
tain?" asked a lady on a State a Island
boat. "I've seen a good many fish- .
women, mad&me, ii tnats wnat yon
mean?" was the reply.
After the clergyman had united a
happy pair not long ago, an awul
silence ensued, which was broken by an
impudent youth exclaiming, "Don't be
so unspeakably happy
A Chicago paper is responsible for tho
statement that a St. Louis young man
has composed a poem commencing, "I
am sitting in the shadow of my loved
one's shoe.
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