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NOVEMBER 15, 2024
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Event focused on the often-overlooked issue of abused men
DOMESTIC VIOLENCE
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hurt.” As she worked on adorning
her T-shirt, Tribal member Jessica
Holmes said she has “dealt with
abuse and stuff in the past, so I just
wanted to see what the Tribe has
to offer, regardless of whether it’s
for female or male.”
She said she was glad to see pro-
grams available for both men and
women.
This year’s event focused on the
often-overlooked issue of abused
men. Boys, as well as girls, are
subject to physical, emotional and
sexual abuse as children, leaving
them with lifelong trauma, the
risk of growing up to abuse others,
and risk for alcoholism, substance
abuse and suicide.
Although male abuse victims are
less common than female victims,
adult men can also be subjected
to physical and emotional abuse.
However, it is often much harder
for men to find help, speakers told
the crowd. In addition, they said,
men are not always believed, and
can find it deeply embarrassing and
difficult to speak about their abuse
or to ask for help.
Tribal member Joe Ulestad de-
livered the invocation and a drum
song. Ulestad also talked about his
own experiences with abuse and the
difficulty of speaking out. He now
works as a peer support specialist
in the Tribe’s Behavioral Health
department.
Tribal General Manager Angie
Blackwell attended as well as
Tribal Council member Kathleen
George.
“I’m just so proud of the work the
Warriors of Hope are doing for our
Tribal community,” George said.
“This work is so important and so
Photo by Michelle Alaimo
Tribal member Joe Ulestad shares his story as a guest speaker at the Warriors
of Hope Program’s Domestic Violence Awareness Month event in the Tribal
gym on Saturday, Oct. 26.
needed. Everybody needs to know
there’s a safe place they can go,
with people to listen to them and
believe them.”
Cousins and Tribal members
Fabian Quenelle and Ferrell De-
Garmo also shared their stories
with the audience. All three men
emphasized the importance, for
men, of seeking healing for their
pain, both for their own sakes and
to become safer people for their
families. It’s a hard thing to do,
they acknowledged, but said there
are fellow Tribal members who will
hold out their arms to offer aid and
belief.
DeGarmo said for generations
now, people have been brought up
to shut their feelings away.
“A lot of what colonization has
brought to us, it has normalized not
to do three things: Don’t talk. Don’t
feel. Don’t trust,” he said. “So, we’ve
normalized ‘Whatever happens in
the home, we’re not going to talk
about it. We’re not going to have
feelings about it.’”
But those beliefs only intensify
the damage.
“When we don’t trust anyone,
how can we work through our de-
pression?” he said. “When we don’t
talk, that depression sits in us. …
We’ve got to start talking — to ther-
apists, to our peers, to our friends.
That’s where we start to heal.”
Behavioral Health Lead Thera-
pist Maret Banks told the audience
that violence is pervasive through-
out Indigenous communities.
“A lot of our work as therapists is
unlearning the violence that’s been
around us all our lives,” she said.
Symptoms can include separation
anxiety, anxiety in response to cer-
tain sounds, generalized anxiety
or panic, loss of identity, confusion
about masculinity, shame, co-de-
pendency, law enforcement involve-
ment and “unhealthy attitudes
and beliefs about women, sexual
relationships and love,” and sexual
disinformation, she said.
“One thing that sets men and
women apart is that men have a
much, much higher rate of complet-
ing suicide and substance abuse,”
Banks said. “And we think that has
a lot to do with society and not be-
ing allowed to have feelings about
it. A lot of the victims of abuse I’ve
worked with don’t know what they
even like, how to relax or what
makes them happy.”
Ulestad told the audience that
when he realized he wanted help,
it was hard to know exactly what
to do.
“I didn’t know how to pray,” he
said.
But eventually a friend invited
him to a healing ceremony. He
tried to decline. “I said no, I’m 400
pounds, my knees hurt,” he said,
giving a litany of excuses. “The guy
said, ‘No, you have to come sweat,’”
promising aid for every issue that
Ulestad raised. He went to the
ceremony, and with his friend’s
encouragement, began attending
a regular men’s circle, beginning
his long journey toward healing.
Today, he said, he has been clean
and sober for five years, and feels
honored to work with other men
who are seeking help for pain long
kept secret.
“Men, you don’t have to be calling
the cops,” he said. “You can lean
into one of us — get to the moun-
tains, to the river, go to a lodge.
There’s other ways to get help. We
don’t got to be ashamed to heal, as
guys, we don’t got to be ashamed to
ask for help.”
The difficulty men often feel in
speaking out or asking for help was
a theme of the evening.
“There’s no shame — and this is
going to the women, too, but espe-
cially the men — there’s no shame
in healing, there’s no shame in
reaching out,” DeGarmo said. “At
one time, we weren’t the men to call
on, but we are now.”
He noted that before colonization,
“There was no shame in our cul-
ture, in our values. … There’s no
shame in saying, ‘I want to heal.’
I don’t want to keep carrying this
on my shoulders because it’s a lot
of weight.”
DeGarmo said he is speaking
from experience.
“There was a point in my life
where I needed to call for help,” he
said. “Everyone around me opened
their arms to me. I didn’t think that
was possible because of the road I
led myself down, the things I’ve
done, the things I’ve destroyed.”
Grand Ronde Tribal Police Officer
Clint Cardwell told the crowd that,
“We are there for everyone.”
“It’s not always easy for me to ask
for help when I need it,” he said,
noting that can be a hard thing
for men generally, let alone when
they feel ashamed about the issue.
“Anytime you see people in your
life that need it, reach out to them.”
Prior to the arrival of European
settlers, domestic violence was not
a common feature of Indigenous
cultures, DeGarmo said.
“A big part of this is acknowl-
edging how impactful colonization
has been with domestic violence,”
he said.
Tales of broken families causing
pain, he said, date back to the
violence experienced by families
targeted by land-greedy settlers.
“One of my relatives remembered
one of the last Indian wars,” De-
Garmo said.
In one horrific incident, after
settlers defeated the men of his
relative’s band, DeGarmo said, they
forced wives and children to watch
as their husbands and fathers were
hung.
“It started from there,” he said, as
men and women blamed each oth-
er for failing to stop the atrocities
perpetrated by settlers.
“I spent a majority of my life in
survival mode, not acknowledging
all the lateral violence that was
going on around me. … Our women
sometimes feel they have to wear
two hats; be the men and the wom-
en for our children,” he said.
Attending a men’s circle, he said,
was a healing experience for him.
The circles allow men to learn “to
heal, to be safe people for (loved
ones) to be around.”
As he spoke, his teenage son
carried a shell of burning sage
throughout the gymnasium, offer-
ing each person present the oppor-
tunity to smudge themselves with
purifying smoke. n