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VOL 2 NO. 2
Board approves
nude sunbathing
at Resort
The Kah-Ncc-Ta Board of Directs.-
voted at their most recent
meeting to incorporate nude sun
bathinoat the resort. Thc"See 'Em
As Thcj Arc" beach will be located
at the edge of the resort's sewage
lagoons. "The lagoons are useless
the way they arc,"statcd Kah-Ncc-Ta
Board of Directors chairman
Mike Clements. "What better, more
profitable way to use the area than
this."
Construction on the new(d) bea
chesbegan last week with truck
loads of white Maui. Hawaii sand
being hauled in and dumped near
the lagoons. "This sand, which cost
the resort $10,000 per load, is said
to be the best in the world." said
Clements. Approximately 7,500
loads of the white stuff will be used.
Because of theanticipatcd popu
larity of the beaches, a sun bathing
schedule has been arranged. Those
people who can prove, with legal
documents, that their first names
begin with A. C. F, H. K, M. N, Q.
R, S, V, X and Z will be allowed to
bath (no soap, please) on Mon
days, Wednesdays and Fridays.
Those people who claim their mid
dle names begin with B, D, E, G, I,
J, L, O, P, T, U and Y will be
allowed to bath (with soap, only)
on Tuesdays, Thursdays and Sun
days Times for bathing will be 6:30
pjn.,tQ;8d5.for everyone. Vd'one
weighing ovetOO1 pounds will be
allowed to"use the beaches. "It
would be much too embarrassing
for us all," said Clements, who
weighs in at 92 pounds.
Those people with first, middle
or last names beginning or ending
with the letter W will not be allowed
to use the beaches a all. "There's
First man becomes pregnant, digs in
What previously has been thought
to be physically .'impossible , has
occurred. The first man, yes man, in
the world is pregnant and due to
deliver his first born later this year.
The young man, J.J. What A Burden
just recently discovered that he is in
fact pregnant. What A Burden is a
member of the near-extinct Bay'
Bee tribe.
"This no laughing matter," said
the 25-year-old expectant father.
Weather
by Lrno Baker
CANCELLED!!
Because
NOBODY
likes it!!!
Identify this Geo-quiz and you will win a week's
stay at Motel 7 on Portland's famous skid row
and dinner for eight at Baloney Joes. P.S.: This
tree is destined for the White House lawn for
Christmas festivities.
fit
4A-
it f
2
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Nude sunbathing will begin at
Kah-Nee-Ta very soon. Guests
are anxiously awaiting the new
experience.
no rcasonable explanation for this,
the board just decided it should be
that way." said Clements.
A fee of $50 per 2 hour will be
charged. "We estimate that with
this charge, we should be in the
'black' of things (or at least tanned
of things) by January," said
Clements.
Other business discussed at the
meeting included gambling (from
slots o dicc .selling the resort, to
Baghwan Shreek Rajneesh. ban
ning the use of cars and bicycles on
the resort property, cutting the
manager's salary to $3.35 per hour
and closing the resort d uri ng the summer
months. Though these items were
discussed at length, and in some
cases even voted upon, results were
not available at press time.
"I'm having morning sickness, I
feel bloated and fat all the time I
can now sympathize with all the women
in the world who have had children."
What A Burden married Susan I
Fooled You last fall. "We have
always wanted a family.. .but we're
not too crazy about it happening
this way,"said the 87-year-old Susan.
"I wanted to have the baby and I'm
mad as .... that he gets to be preg
nant and I don't.
The What A Burdens have already
gained worldwide noteriety and
have received many complimentary
gifts from corporations from through
out the country. So far, they have
received a two year's supply of
diapers, a case of prophalactics
and a three year supply of birth
control pills.
The couple is making their home,
literally, at the foot of Mt. Jeffer
son. The secluded spot was chosen
so that the father-to-be would not
1
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1 i.k4
The latest information from Nah-Nah Land in
honor of April Fools' Day!!
NAH-NAH LAND, OREGON 97761
Tribe to
Tribal employees learned last
week, that after eight years, they
will be receiving substantial raises,
effective April 31, 1988. Following
years of near-poverty living stand
ards most employees were more
than elated upon hearing the news.
Council and management have
operated on the theory that "more
money doesn't always mean better
employees." Fiscal branch manager
and controller of the purse strings
Tight Mac explained the forthcom
ing raises. "Those employees who
have been with us since January 1 ,
1988 will receive double what
they're getting now. Employeesd
hired between January 1, 1982 and
January I, 1988, will receive half
again as much as they receive now.
All employees who were hired prior
to January 1, 1982 will receive two
cans of salmon, 50 pounds of flour,
a year's supply of shaving cream
and two gallons of A & W Root
beer. At least the old timers will
have lukameen in every pot, some
thing to drink and be clean shaven."
Claiming to "have their hearts in
the right places,"some members of
the management team question the
legality and propriety of this recent
Organizational Meeting for
Draft Dodgers Anonymous
Call: DODGERS for Information
New sick detection system to be installed April 13
Installation of a computerized
video phone system will begin next
week at the administration build
ing following close scrutiny of emplo
yee "faking and cheating" their sick
leave calls. The existing switchboard
be disturbed by reporters and so
the mother would not be hounded
by men wishing to become fathers.
Tribe wins big in lottery, plans re-entry
The Confederated Tribes of Warm
Springs received their first of 6,000
monthly dividend checks totaling
$300,000 last week after winning
Oregon's biggest "Boo Koo Bucks"
lottery.
The unusual payoff was the result
of "group" purchase of one-million
lottery tickets last Wednesday. Every
tribal member over 1 8 years of age,
was given $5 to purchase five quick
pick with the understanding that if
their numbers were chosen, the
winnings would be deposited in the
general fund. The monies will be
used for capital projects, such as a
large bingo parlor, gambling casi
nos and brothels.
Management and Tribal Coun
cil have yet to agree on just how to
spend the first monthly dividend
check. Rumor has it that Council
has selected a committee that will
take the winnings to either Reno or
Las Vegas for gambling purposes.
"We intend to get the most for our
money," said on tribal official.
Man wanted!
Wanted: Yardman and handy
man for small, 400 acre homestead.
Easy maintenance of wheat, bar
ley, oats and mint plus basic lawn
care and flower treatment. Some
home repair required including roof
ing, dry wall work, plastering and
plumbing. Call I-REPAIR to leave
your name, phone number, age
marital status and annual income.
Editor tells of
upcoming wedding
Spill Away editorSid Knee Miller
has announced his impending netro
thel to.. ..what's her name. Their
marriage is set for February 30.
2000. All reservation residents are
invited to attend. The wedding will
be at the Ashram building behind
the Administraiton Building begin
ning at 6 a.m.
raise wages, give food!!
decision. "The salmon was origi
nally caught for ceremonial purpo
ses.. .Can we really give it away?
Plus, the shaving cream is costing
us a bundle. We should forego the
cream and give something useful,
such as ice cream, so the people can
have rootbeer floats. We don't
really care if our male employees
are bearded or that the women
have unshaven legs, "said Squeaky
Clean.
Some employees, who have been
with the tribal organization since
before 1982, have filed a grievance
with the federal magistrate in Por
tland. "We feel that the Tribe
should have given us a monetary
award. But no, they saw fit to
reward the newcomers. It's a very
frustrating situation that can only
be resolved in federal court. They
could have at least given us three
cans of salmon," said salmon advi
sor and watermaster Dee Pack Sea
Gull, an employee since 1952.
In response to the federal suit,
Mac said the Tribe intends to
employ a member of the Russian
bar association to represent them.
"They deal with this type of thing
all the time and are very familiar
will be removed and replaced with
a super-size viewing screen and a
mini-computer.
Cameras have been hidden through
out the reservation so that when
ever an employee calls in "sick," his
picture will appear on the large
screen TV. The video image will
also be teletyped to local stores and
other establishments, so that owners
can report to the tribe whenever a
"sick" person visits their establish
ment. As for using the funds for other
purposes, such as helping the needy,
investments, health and welfare
programs and trie nice, tne tribal
government is reluctant to "invest
in people. People are an unpredic
table bunch. You never know what
they want or need." This way, the
source said, we'll "know where our
money is or isn't. It's a nothing
ventured, nothing-gained philoso
phy." With dollar signs in their eyes,
management is planning a similar
scheme whenever the Boo Koo pot
reaches the $80 million limit.
Natives exume whites
A strange happening occurred at
the Madras cemetery. It seems a
group of Indians attending the Uni
versity of California received a
grant from the Rockfeller Founda
tion to do a study on early white
settlers in the Central Oregon area.
The group of Indian anthropolo
gists selected the Madras site since
they had heard the Madras area
had a strong Pioneer association.
Heading the dig is Sam Little
Shovel who is well known for his
Woman seeking pen pal
I am looking for an American
Indian who would like to share a
friendship. I have always felt that
the American Indians suffered when
their land was taken away.
I am a 45-year-old old female
who has been divorced six times. I
have 15 children, all on welfare. I
live in HUD housing and I. myself,
am on welfare and food stamps. If
there is an Indian male between the
ages of 45-5 who would like to
write to me I would appreciate it
very much.
I would love to come visit your
reservation and stay in one of your
teepees.
I am told by my mother that my
The jlst is purely Jest!!
with unruly employees. Over there,
dissidents are sent to Siberia. We're
currently preparing a camp on the
edge of Dry Hollow that is very
similar to Siberia. We have done
this with the approval of our Rus
sian advisors."
Dee Pack Sea Gull was overcome with anxiety after hearing that
he was finally going to receive a raze. He is heading the employee
group filing against the Tribe.
Management hopes that this move
will "drastically cut absenteeism,"
said C.U. Soon. "It'll be fun to
watch those 'sickies' squirm and to
see what excuse they'll come up
with," he said.
Also installed are special long
range cameras aimed toward Mad
ras, so that employees living south
of the reservation aren't completely
off the hook. However, those came
ras are not expected to be as effec
tive as those installed on the reserva
tion. Employees are screaming, justly
so, that the new system is an invas
ion of privacy. "I'm intending to
file suit," said Lazy Zee Boy. "I
think it's unfair that management
Over the Deschutes...
No-tell motel to
Owners of the Deschutes Cross
ing and Rainbow Market have
reached an agreement that will
drastically change dining and motel
offerings in Warm Springs.
The owners, who wished to remain
anonymous at this time will soon
begin construction of a 500-room
motel that will span the Deschutes
white pioneer digs.
The group will gather artifacts
from graves and label them for an
in-depth study. They will publish
all their findings in the National
American Indians Dig Dug, the
Native American anthropologist pa
per. So if you are driving past the
cemetery and see some Indians
digging up graves, have no worries,
they are only doing their jobs.
great-great grandmother was a full
blooded Indian princess and I am
13 Indian. I am told my Indian
blood is Cherokee but I havent
been able to trace my background
since my great-great grandmother
was kidnapped by a band of out
laws who took her from her people.
I do have a string of beads that she
was wearing at the time of her cap
ture and that is the only part of her
heritage I have.
Please write and I will answer all
letters.
Thank you,
Sally "Little Futher" Jon
P.O. Box 4
Pftrlind, Tft 7758S
A week after April 1, 1988
While the raise schedule has caus
ed some irregular work habits and
schedules, nearly all employees have
cotinucd to report to work as usual.
Additional information will be pre
sented in the next issue of Spill
Way News.
expects us to really be sick all the
time."
Management says there is no
invasion of privacy. "They're cal
ling us, we're not calling them,"
said Soon. Not only does the new
system track employees' truthful
ness, but it is also a giant enter
tainment and cleaning center. Those
employees who come in early will
be allowed to play video games,
make coffee, bake bread, iron,
vacuum and perform other house
hold chores while away from home.
The program's features allow users;
to simply push a single button and'
their homes are instantly cleaned.
Those employees with extra-dirty
homes will be charged a small fee
for the services.
be constructed
River directly above and parallel to
the bridge. "It will be similar to the
Howard Johnsons seen in the mid
west," said contracting supervisor
Moe Teller.
The owners have expressed the
desire to build an elegant but inex
pensive establishment. Room rates
are expected to be comparable to
other flop joints in the area.
Rooms on the first floor will fea
ture water beds filled with unheated
water from the Deschutes. "It'll be
tough to get the water into those
beds," said Teller. His plan is to
have the water run from bed to
bed, so that there will be no waste,
of the resource. The upper floors
will be sound-proof, unlike the first
floor, and feature such amenities as1
bare floors, hourly rates and cold
tap water.
Teller anticipates to be finished
with construction of the motel by
April 3 1 . Construction began Jan
uary 31.
Money run
input needed
I am looking for some assistance
in safeguarding the money runs
made from the reservation to the
Madras banks. If there is anyone
who can give me some wild ideas
about how they would "hit" the
runs, I would be interested. I am
doing a research paper to show
that the transfer of monies from
the reservation could be improved
I promise to keep all information
confidential. Send your ideas to:
Ivan Strong Box 773865; State
Street; Salem. Oregon X903I. I
thank you in advance for your
moM profitable ideas.