U. S. Budget Problem Solved Fewer Towels For Senators!
$7000 Worth of Mineral Water
All Wet; Politicians Must Be
Using It To Soften Up Beards
By Elwood Ullman
I HAVE spent all my spare time
this Week trying to find ways
and means whereby the Govern
ment can cut down expenses. After
carefully studying the national
balance sheet for 1035, I hit upon
some ideas.
Take the U. S. Senate. Col. Ed
win A. Halsey, its secretary, re
port that total expenses last year
amounted to $3,296,852. The list
starts off as follows:
Senate salaries $023,138.00
Vice President's
salary 14,437.00
Investigations 236,000.00
Mineral water 7,000.00
Laundering 5814
towels 31.08
Two neckties for
Vice President's
chauffeur 2.00
We might as well start off with
the neckties. Now nobody is sug
gesting for one minute that the
Vice President's chauffeur go
around without a necktie (though
this would, for once, focus a great
deal of attention on the Vice
President). The purchase was not
only reasonable, but commend
able. It was very sweet and
thoughtful of the Senate to buy
the two ties for the chauffeur,
and I'm sure he appreciates it.
I have seen a picture of the
chauffeur sitting up in the front
seat of Mr. Garner's car and
proudly sporting what seems to
be one of the new cravats. An
other man might resent wearing
a dollar cravat While recognizing
the need for Government econo
my, he might take the position
that neckwear, especially his
neckwear, is no Item on which to
start scrimping. He might hold
out for $2 ties and tell them to
make up the difference by cutting
that $980,600,000 appropriation
for the Postofflce Department.
But Mr. Garner's chauffeur
seems to be perfectly well satis
fied with this tie. The pattern is
very striking, not to say demon
strative, and I'll bet it was the
Committee on Indian Affairs that
went shopping for it.
HOWEVER, I am not finding
fault with the pattern. It's
the price. If the committee is
elated at having got by for $2,
I'd like to point out that if they
had waited for the January clear
ance sales, the two ties could
have been purchased for 8u cents
apiece, a saving of 22 cents.
I realize that 22 cents is pretty
small, but still it's something and
shows the Government what can
be done not only in buying ties
Mystery Ships No. 3
H. M. S. WASP
FIGHTING VESSEL THAT
VANISHED IN 1887
THE sensation of the autumn of
1887 was a wire from Hong
Kong to tho British Admiralty:
"No trace .of Wasp. Gunboats
returned. Searched coasts of Co
chin China and Hainan."
H. M. S. Wasp had vanished,
to join that list of missing ships
of which nothing Is heard; an
other mystery of the sea.
She was a new type of gunboat.
Her armament was six guns, her
engines 1000 horsepower, and she
had a displacement of 670 tons
as sturdy a fighting vessel as ever
was built, and sister ship to six
other powerful gunboats built
along the same lines.
Without mishap she had
reached the Malay Peninsula, then
sailed from Singapore for Shang
hai never to be seen again. The
voyago should have taken 16
days, with a stop at Hong Kong.
She never saw Hong Kong or
any other ship on her trip.
The unsolved mystery was
what happened to the Waspt Did
she founder In a typhoon? Did
PAGE FOUR
for Mr. Garner's chauffeur, but
in handling everything else on
that expense list The little sums
add up, you know, and by effect
ing small economies here and
there, it will be possible to make
a sizeable reduction in that three
billion dollar deficit estimated fot
1036.
Investigations will go on, I sup
pose, but I'd suggest that the
committees watch their expenses
a little closer, especially food bills.
For instance, I can't see any point
in spending $1 for a table d'hote
breakfast in a hotel's main dining-room
when you can get one
equally satisfying for less than
half the amount in the coffee
shop. What if the service isn't so
fancy ?
No. 3, for example, offers
orange juice, hot cakes and coffee
for 25 cents. No. 4, 35 cents, is
orange juice, toast, coffee and two
strips of bacon with one egg. 1
am Just trying to show the Sena
tors that they can dine hand
somely without being extrava
gant. Mind you, I'm not suggest
ing that they stint themselves. I
am the last person in the world
that would want our Senators
going around looking thin and
emaciated.
Now let us take up that $7000
item for mineral water. Can it be
that the Senate is obsessed with
the old bugaboo that tap water is
contaminated by bacteria? If so,
I would like to point out that we
do not have scare-cats in the
House of Representatives. At
least, I do not find any claim
from them for mineral water.
They bend unflinchingly over
drinking fountains.
OF COURSE, it is possible
they are taking chances,
just to save the $7000, or what
ever it would cost to supply the
House with mineral water. But
their strenuous life demands
prime physical condition and
proves, I think, that the danger
is imaginary.
Getting back to the Senators, I
wouldn't want to deprive them of
their mineral water if it would
make them nervous and unhappy.
But $7000 seems a lot for it, even
allowing for the thirst they get
making speeches. I wonder if
they're shaving with it, too? Or
possibly they aren't getting the
deposits back on the bottles.
The item that causes me the
most concern, the one I am least
able to understand, is "$31.08 for
. laundering 5814 towels for the
U. S. Senate." It appears not once
on the list, but many times.
I would like Secretary Halsey
to check this item again. Maybe
some other more terrible fate
overtake her? It is rare that a
ship goes down without leaving
bits of wreckage. Usually ' she
goes to pieces first. When the
bulk sinks, parts of the vessel are
left afloat. The Wasp left nothing
at all for rumors to feed upon.
Did she run ashore along the
coast through mishandling? Was,
she then plundered by pirates,
who did away with the crew and
destroyed tho ship? The captain,
It was later learned, did not like
his command. He felt that his of
ficers were Inexperienced, and his
own responsibility was too heavy.
Strangely, she was the second
Wasp to be lost within a few
years. The first went down off the
west coast of Ireland in heavy
weather because of "bad naviga
tion on the part of the f ''leers."
In both cases seamans.'p, may
have been at fault.
The H. M. S. Wasp Is one of the
few ironclad vessels In all mari
time history to disappear without
a trace.
Just picture those 5814 towels stacked up to the celling in the Senate washroom. And think of the
dreadful consequences that would ensue if an earthquake occurred.
some of the Navy's expenses got
into his report by mistake. Maybe
it should read, "for laundering
5814 towels for the Asiatic Fleet."
WITH 97 men In the Senate,
including the Vice Presi
dent, it means that each man has
ABOUT
A FMME1 WRITES AM "AD"
Solo, OIi935.
November 16,
nard Company,
P. LoriUar st.reeb,
119 West 40tn
ew YorU city, .
Gentle: an old man .no u3s, and
nh6veaSrhe f od reso
those. cigar", any smoUms
haven't to
DOUBLE-MONEY. BACK OFFER
at made to smokers since Oct 6, 1935
TAKE a sporting chance on a pack ol Cfoublt-MtUov
Old Golds, Smoke ten of the cigarette. If you don't
a; they're the finest you've ever tatted, mail the package
wrapper and the remaining ten cigarettes to us, any time
before May 1st, 1936, and we'll send you doubU the price
you paid for the full package, plui pottagt,
(Established 1760) Cr
1 1 9 West 40th Street,
for his personal use 50 and a
fraction towels. (If they rounded
out the total to 5820, it would
make an even 60.) I cannot see
the justification for all these
towels. Suppose a Senator washes
up four times a day, each time
lw6k-Mtlow OLD GOLD
-
. , v,r's son gov
ia niece,
Made from
PRIZE CROP
TOBACCOS
New York City'
using separate towels for his
hands and face. (Note: I am not
accusing him of taking fresh
towels to shine his shoes with.)
Even on this recklessly lavish
basis, he would only use up eight
towels a day, or 48 a week. He
on cigar-
nuielc-
jerry Hurley
Betty,
IH-W.H J 'Mil
And More Care In Buying Ties
For Vice-President's Chauffeur
Might Give Taxpayers a Break
would still be left with 11 towels.
Now I am not complaining
about the Senators sprucing up.
I am sure cleanliness should be
encouraged In everyone. It is a
fine reflection on this country
when its Senators go around all
day long with their faces bright
and shiny and their ears clean.
But they seem to be going over
board on it. I mean they are keep
ing too clean for the good of the
budget.
After all, 5814 towels is a lot
of burlap. Perhaps it is the Sen
ate's way of keeping up cotton
prices.
Just picture those 5814 towels
stacked up to the ceiling, row on
row, In the Senate washroom. And
think of the dreadful consequences
that would ensue if an earthquake
I
Snapshot of Jerry Hurley taken last Fall by his brother John.
Jerry's farm is located on a mountainside, 8 miles from
Wellsville, N. Y. (Post Office, Scio.)
o5
ft,
SCO
(30 (xuoga&CD
HO
occurred and a couple of Senators
got caught in an avalanche of
towels. I doubt that rescue crews,
digging furiously, could get to
them inside of 48 hours.
ALL THOSE Senators not suf
focated by towels would be
drowned by the overturned jugs
of mineral water.
I hope our lawmakers will take
this little treatise to heart. If I
can only persuade them to cut
the number of towels in half, to
a mere -2907, they might get In
the habit of halving everything.
And the next time the Army
puts in a requisition for 300
bombing planes and the Navy de
mands a new super-dread naught,
they will give the Army 150
bombing planes anil the Navy a
light cruiser and a mine sweeper.
m r. Latin, c.. im.