A6
RECORDS/COMMUNITY
East Oregonian
‘How is Amy?’
MATT
HENRY
THE ROAD NOT TAKEN
W
hile taking a
recent stroll along
the Umatilla River
paved walk, I came upon a
friend. We exchanged pleas-
antries for a minute, and
then she began to ask me
about my wife, a question
I have come to dread. She
began to ask a common,
normal, well-intentioned,
innocuous question: “How is
Amy?”
My best friend, the clos-
est human relationship I’ve
ever had, truly my better
half in every way, my wife
of almost 42 years, is a vic-
tim of early onset Alzhei-
mer’s disease.
Symptoms began when
she turned 52 and increased
rapidly to the point that now,
at age 63, she must reside
in the memory lockdown
unit at Juniper House where
I attempt to get as close to
her as possible through a
COVID window. She, of
course, continues to slowly
degrade and disappear, both
of us powerless to do any-
thing about it.
I took care of her at home
until her condition wors-
ened to the point of requir-
ing around-the-clock med-
ical care. At that point, for
her own safety, she left our
bedside empty and cold
after 41 years. That was
the moment when my spirit
died. My very best friend,
my other, better half, has
gone for good. It may seem a
bit hyperbolic to say that my
life ended that day, but ask
any widow or widower who
had a lengthy, close relation-
ship with their spouse and
they may tell you the same
thing.
In short, while my body
continues to carry on, life for
me now is pretty much just
going through the motions.
It takes a great deal of effort
just to get up and face the
day, knowing that at some
point the grief monster will
get its pound of flesh out of
me. As the psalmist says,
tears are my daily bread.
I’m not asking for your
pity here; our loved ones die.
I’m requesting thoughtful
self-awareness, an audacious
thing to demand of anyone.
Due to the intense grief, pain
and loneliness that her con-
dition causes me, I try my
best to stay occupied and
avoid it for as long as pos-
sible, that is, until some-
one who knows and genu-
inely cares about my wife
asks the inevitable ques-
tion: “How is Amy?” I try to
restrain myself by giving a
pat answer, but the very ask-
ing plummets me instantly
into the whirlpool of grief
I try so hard to keep at bay
from taking me under, and I
find myself feeling peeved.
What do they expect me to
say? What do they expect
to hear? “Miracle of mira-
cles, she’s talking again! She
still knows my name!” Don’t
they know there’s no coming
back from this path?
“How is ...” I have come
to realize is a horribly inap-
propriate question for some-
one facing down stage four
renal cancer, a person whose
house has just burned to the
ground, or is well along the
way on the “ride into the
sunset.” But the asking of
the question — again, with
the best of intentions —
always stings and tends to
make me a bit peevish in my
response. I’ve tried a vari-
ety of them: “Well, she has
Alzheimer’s disease” (an
attempt to state the obvi-
ous). “She’s still alive, phys-
ically anyway” (an attempt
to state that, no, the prob-
lem isn’t that she’s broken
her leg). Unfortunately, the
pain the question causes has
made me a little more blunt
in my answer: “How is my
precious wife? She’s dying a
slow, brutal, uncompromis-
ing, horrifying death, taking
all who love her down with
it.” Is that what you really
want to hear — the truth?
The root of the problem
for me lies in our habit of
asking the question more as
a throwaway part of a greet-
ing. It’s always a pertinent
question to ask even if we
waste it in the modicum of
social propriety. I do this
myself out of habit. “How
are you, how’s it going?”
when all I really need say
is hello. So the answer also
becomes throwaway with
the usual, but often false,
response of “Good! Great!”
and now we can move
beyond the pleasantries. My
wife’s condition has come
to reinforce this thought. So
what’s a viable alternative?
My friend on the river
walk, Ellen, is a retired edu-
cator and that may have
given her the skills to intuit
that which remains unsaid.
As she began to ask me the
question, she barely got
the “How’s” out when she
snapped her mouth shut.
She paused before she spoke
again, not with a question
but a statement: “Matt, I
walk with you and Amy in
your pain. I’m always there
when you need.”
I was absolutely floored.
At last, someone got it! She
alone (thus far) has taken
the road — my road — not
taken. She intuited the pain
her question would cause
and redirected her kind
intention through a state-
ment instead of the inevita-
ble, ubiquitous phrase that
no one really cares about
answering honestly. She said
what she really, consciously
wanted to express, friend-
ship that joins me in my
perpetual war against what
Winston Churchill referred
to as “the old black dog.”
As many of Ellen’s
friends know her to be the
gracious angel that she is,
she remains my sole exam-
ple to the alternative, nor-
mal, well-intentioned but
cruel question — asking
someone who may be in
dire straits a throwaway but
serious question as part of a
casual greeting.
In closing, I would like
to suggest a few things.
First off, I’m trying to train
myself into not asking how
someone “is doing” when all
I really want to say is exactly
all I should say, “It’s good to
be in your company.” Ellen
remains my model in this
regard and I think it’s a good
habit to cultivate, an oppor-
tunity to bless rather than
curiously inquire. Make a
statement as your greet-
ing, not a question. Finally,
try your best to intuit where
someone might be in their
journey before you ask a
question that could cause
them unnecessary pain and
resentment.
Give thanks for educa-
tors and be as self-aware as
possible. It will be a help
to those who may, unbe-
knownst to you, be in a
world of hurt.
———
The Rev. Dr. Matt Henry
is a retired American Bap-
tist/United Methodist pas-
tor, who pastored the Pend-
leton First United Church
and now joyfully makes
“hippie food” for the house-
less at the Warming Station.
UPCOMING SERVICES
Thursday, January 7, 2021
OBITUARY
Fe Forteza Edge-Uland
Hermiston
January 22, 1939 — January 2, 2021
Fe Forteza Edge-Uland
of Hermiston, Oregon, was
born on January 22, 1939,
in Samar, Philippines, to
parents Ricardo and Julia
Lubos Forteza. She died on
January 2, 2021, in Kenne-
wick, Washington, at the
age of 81 years.
Fe was raised and
attended schools in the
Philippines. She mar-
ried James Edge and later
moved to Hermiston, Ore-
gon, in 1983 and has lived
here since. He died in 1986
and Fe later married George
ington; brothers Abraham
Uland, who died in 1998.
She was a member of Forteza, Samuel Forteza,
the Hermiston Seventh-day Julieta Pelaez and Elminda
Ventura, all of
Adventist Church
Mindanao, Phil-
and the Fil-AM
ippines; grand-
Hermiston Chap-
children Ashlee,
ter. Fe enjoyed
Leeann, Julienne
gardening, cook-
ing, sewing and
(Shane), Breanna
reading.
and
Elisabeth;
She is survived
great-grand-
children Olivia
by her daugh-
ters Madeilynn
and Sloane; and
Edge-Uland
(Michael) Edge-
numerous nieces,
Ryan,
Stock-
nephews
and
ton, California, and Sherry cousins.
(Mark) Hall, Pasco, Wash-
Fe was preceded in death
by her husbands, her par-
ents, and siblings Ricardo
Jr., Artemio, Nelsa, Cesar,
Esther, Helen and Nori.
A graveside service fol-
lowing state guidelines will
be held on Sunday, Janu-
ary 10, 2021, at 1 p.m. at
the Hermiston Cemetery,
Hermiston, Oregon.
Please share memories
of Fe with her family at
burnsmortuaryhermiston.
com.
Burns Mortuary of
Hermiston, Oregon, is in
care of arrangements.
DEATH NOTICES
Frances ‘Jean’ Calvert
Chauncey Edmund Rife
Stanfield
June 5, 1932 — Dec. 19, 2020
Illinois
Nov. 27, 1979 — Dec. 31, 2020
Frances “Jean” Calvert, 88, of Stanfield, died Saturday,
Dec. 19, 2020, at her home. She was born June 5, 1932, in
Brumley, Missouri. A family gathering was held. Burns Mor-
tuary of Hermiston is in care of arrangements. Share memo-
ries with the family at www.burnsmortuaryhermiston.com.
Chauncey Edmund Rife, 41, of Illinois, died Thursday,
Dec. 31, 2020, in a trucking accident. He was born Nov. 27,
1979. Arrangements are with Pendleton Pioneer Chapel,
Folsom-Bishop.
Verlyn Paul Schulz
Reberiano G. ‘Rebe’ Ibarra Sr.
Stanfield
Feb. 8, 1953 — Jan. 2, 2021
Reberiano G. “Rebe” Ibarra Sr., 67, of Stanfield, died
Saturday, Jan. 2, 2021, in Hermiston. He was born Feb. 8,
1953, in Tullio, Zacatecas, Mexico. A private family rosary
and funeral mass will be held, followed by a private fam-
ily burial at the Hermiston Cemetery. Burns Mortuary of
Hermiston is in care of arrangements. Share memories
with the family at www.burnsmortuaryhermiston.com.
Elsie C. Melton
Hermiston
Dec. 13, 1940 — Jan. 1, 2021
Verlyn Paul Schulz, 80, of Hermiston, died Friday, Jan.
1, 2021, at his home. He was born Dec. 13, 1940, in Par-
sons, Kansas. A private family service will be held, with a
private burial following at the Hermiston Cemetery. Burns
Mortuary of Hermiston is in care of arrangements. Share
memories with the family at www.burnsmortuaryhermis-
ton.com.
Kenneth Cosmo Zampelli Sr.
Milton-Freewater
Nov. 25, 1945 — Jan. 3, 2021
Adams
Dec. 22, 1937 — Dec. 30, 2020
Elsie C. Melton, 83, of Adams, died Wednesday, Dec.
30, 2020, in Kennewick, Washington. She was born Dec.
22, 1937, in Mandan, North Dakota. Burns Mortuary of
Pendleton is in charge of the arrangements.
Kenneth Cosmo Zampelli Sr., 75, of Milton-Freewa-
ter, died Sunday, Jan. 3, 2021, in Walla Walla, Wash-
ington. He was born Nov. 25, 1945. Munselle-Rhodes
Funeral Home of Milton-Freewater is in charge of
arrangements.
Our elderly residents need support
ADDITIONAL RESOURCES OF SUPPORT
ROD
HARWOOD
FILLING YOUR DAY
WITH MEANING
T
he past year has
been challenging
for all of as we have
adjusted and learned to
cope with living our lives
through this pandemic. It
has been more than just a
public health crisis.
This crisis has impacted
us across the spectrum of
our entire well-being —
physically, mentally and
spiritually. Many of the
routines and activities we
look to for support, such
as attending our places
of worship, connecting
with those we care about
through social and fam-
ily gatherings and holi-
day traditions, have been
disrupted.
It has been particularly
devastating for our elders.
Eight out of 10 COVID-
19 deaths have been in
adults 65 and older (CDC).
In addition, we already
know there is a connec-
tion between loneliness
and increased risk of pre-
mature death, dementia,
stroke, depression, anxiety
and suicide. The social iso-
lation needed to stay safe
has heightened that impact
even more. This has led
to other challenges con-
tributing to their suffer-
ing. Many of our elders say
they feel a lack of a sense
of meaning and purpose,
along with no sense of joy
in their day.
So, how do we fill our
day with meaning?
I found it helpful to seek
guidance from the very
same elders we want to
• OHA Safe + Strong Helpline, 800-923-4357 (800-
923-HELP) Linesforlife.org
• Oregon Senior Peer Outreach, 833-736-4676
• Senior Loneliness Line, 503-200-1633
support. Their life expe-
riences have conveyed
much wisdom for navi-
gating life’s difficulties
while holding on to the
best of us through them.
One such person was Sis-
ter Columba, who I got to
know while serving as a
chaplain at St. Anthony
Hospital in Pendleton.
She was a Franciscan
sister, who had committed
her entire life to the minis-
try of health care in East-
ern Oregon. She taught
me about commitment to
care by showing up to help
others even while strug-
gling myself. I witnessed
her working well into her
80s. I learned from her,
and other seniors I worked
with, that filling the day
with meaning includes
doing activities where you
feel productive and valued.
They did this by find-
ing a goal for each day —
any size goal — and tack-
ling it with intention. The
goal could be outward
facing and helping oth-
ers in need, or it could be
inward facing, like tak-
ing a small walk to stay
active, or stretching for
exercise while confined to
a bed. Knowing we can set
our minds on something
and complete it helps our
sense of productivity and
meaning. It doesn’t mean
we need to focus on the
big meaning of lofty ques-
tions, but rather engage in
day-to-day activities. It is
important to show up each
day offering something
that is valued by others.
Our social isolation has
also made us keenly aware
what it means to be discon-
nected from what is most
important, whether it is a
person, place and role we
play or activities of which
we are a part. The times
of loss of those relation-
ships threaten our sense
of meaning, and our joy
is replaced with sorrow.
This leads us to the second
lesson I’ve learned from
elders. They know how to
adjust to changing condi-
tions — letting go of what
they lost and allowing their
lives to be transformed into
something new. For exam-
ple, Sister Columba suc-
cessfully navigated her life
changes moving from Ire-
land to the United States.
Over the years, she
transitioned from nurse to
manager to patient visi-
tor, letting go of old roles
and finding a new sense
of meaning and purpose
in the next stage in life.
Other elders I’ve known
responded with similar
flexibility to life’s chang-
ing circumstances. That
does not mean ignor-
ing the emotional toll of
those changes. On the con-
trary, the successful tran-
sition into our new con-
nections greatly depends
on our ability to acknowl-
edge what we have lost,
make room for the feelings
that brings, then moving
through them and adjust-
ing to what new comes
our way. That includes a
willingness to make new
connections.
Each loss helps us put
into practice our life les-
sons. Since elders have
managed a lifetime of
change, loss and triumphs,
they have much to teach
others about managing the
difficulties of these times
if we are wise enough to
listen.
Finally, there are times
when we feel isolated and
alone, like our sense of
loss is overwhelming. The
dreams you had to keep
you alive and motivated
for living now may seem
to have disappeared like
last night’s sleep. One way
to help find light when it
all seems dark is exercis-
ing the practice of grat-
itude. Each day, name
three things you are thank-
ful for. Include in that list
the lives of those elders
who are part of your life.
Studies show this prac-
tice helps rewire our brain
so we begin to see light
where before we only saw
darkness.
While our elders need
our support, their life
example and words of wis-
dom can help provide guid-
ance as well as we navigate
our journey together. If you
are grateful to an elder for
teaching you an important
life lesson, let them know.
You will both benefit from
the conversation.
———
Rod Harwood is an
older adult behavior coor-
dinator with Greater Ore-
gon Behavioral Health, Inc.
serving Eastern Oregon.
He is one of 24 specialists
supporting a statewide ini-
tiative providing behav-
ioral health for older adults
and people with disabili-
ties in local and regional
community mental health
programs.
THURSDAY, JAN. 7
LOTTERY
No services scheduled
FRIDAY, JAN. 8
HOFFMAN, MARY — Graveside service at 2 p.m. at
Skyview Memorial Park, 70116 S. Highway 395, Pendleton.
TOLAR, MICK — Graveside service following state
guidelines at 2:30 p.m. at the Echo Cemetery.
SATURDAY, JAN. 9
WHITE, ALVERDA — Services at 10 a.m. at Pendle-
ton Pioneer Chapel, Folsom-Bishop, 131 S.E. Byers Ave.,
Pendleton.
Monday, Jan. 4, 2021
Megabucks
05-17-24-26-32-47
Estimated jackpot: $6.6
million
Lucky Lines
02-07-11-13-18-22-27-31
Estimated jackpot: $74,000
Win for Life
02-06-28-33
Pick 4
1 p.m.: 8-7-3-4
4 p.m.: 3-3-1-1
7 p.m.: 3-4-7-2
10 p.m.: 2-4-8-7
Tuesday, Jan. 5, 2021
Mega Millions
20-43-51-55-57
Mega Ball: 4
Megaplier: 2
Estimated jackpot: $432
million
Lucky Lines
01-06-12-14-19-21-28-30
Estimated jackpot: $75,000
Pick 4
1 p.m.: 6-5-1-4
4 p.m.: 5-3-6-8
7 p.m.: 2-5-4-1
10 p.m.: 7-6-6-1
Wednesday, Jan. 6, 2021
Pick 4
1 p.m.: 9-7-8-8