August 2019 - EASTERN OREGON PARENT - 13
Help! What do I do when my child is hitting me?
our-year-old Jason hit his
mother, Rebecca, with his
fists and kicked her ankles.
ople Rebecca ignored Jason’s blows and
continued listening to her friend at
In the coffee shop.
are
Why was Rebecca allowing her
way child to abuse her? When visiting
d
with Rebecca she told me that the
parenting tools she had to deal with
Jason’s hitting was to hit back, tell
sed. him to stop, or yell at him. “Jason’s
ety upset and I don’t want to upset him
more,” Rebecca said.
Rebecca didn’t understand the
difference between hitting and an-
ger. Anger is a feeling. Hitting is an
, if action. We can’t stop emotions, but
or we can stop our actions.
t
We all feel anger. It is a core
ed emotion. With anger, stress hor-
ct mones flood the brain and the
ore
t to
ffice
s —
trail
y
be
F
amygdala, the emotional center
of the brain, turns on the fight or
flight response. The ability to think
is diminished and basic survival
instincts prevail. Until we develop
impulse control in stressful situa-
tions, feelings, thoughts and actions
seem to tumble on one another in a
mish-mash that can be hard to dis-
cern which came first, the feeling,
the thought or the action. Until the
amygdala calms, the fight or flight
reaction remains.
To control actions it is important
to be able to separate feelings from
thoughts. Many adults find this dif-
ficult to do, and this inability causes
unhappiness and damaged relation-
ships. A good reason we should
help our children learn this.
When a child hits you, squat
down to the child’s level and look
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the child in the eye. Get the child’s
attention and state the rule: No
hitting. Then state the appropri-
ate behavior. “Use your words to
tell me what the problem is.” “Be
gentle.” “Remember how to inter-
rupt a conversation.”
If this doesn’t stop or change the
behavior, you may have to separate
yourself from the situation. It
might be more effective
for you to leave the
room than engage
in power struggle.
Disengaging from
the situation
gives child and
adult time to
cool down and
later discover
what the prob-
lem is.
We have
to model self-
control to teach
it. Spanking and yell-
ing teaches spanking
and yelling. Self-control
means we have to extend our
kindness to neighbors, spouses,
and others. Our children learn by
watching adults. It’s a tough world,
being a parent.
To change the situation, we can
name the feeling. “Jason, I can see
you are upset. Can you tell me what
you are upset about?”
Sometimes our children can tell
us what they are feeling. Some-
times their anger is more about not
feeling safe as their world changes.
Jason’s family had recently
moved to a new house and his
mother had been out of town for a
few days to see her brother in the
hospital. Jason sensed his mother’s
worry and his actions reflected that
tension.
Maren
Schmidt
_______________
Kids Talk™
As soon as Rebecca told Jason
that she was worried about her
brother, Jason was able to con-
nect language to a feeling
and say, “I’m worried,
too.”
Rebecca began
to see that she
had put Jason in
situations where
he didn’t feel
safe, in addi-
tion to his being
tired and hun-
gry. The stress
hormones that
flood the brain
made it almost
impossible for Jason
to control his feelings,
thoughts, and actions.
Learning how to differenti-
ate between a feeling and an action,
learning how to clearly state rules
and expected behavior, modeling
self-control, naming the feeling, and
creating a safe, familiar environment
helped Rebecca put some new tools
in her parenting kit.
________
Kids Talk™ is an award-winning
column dealing with childhood de-
velopment issues written by Maren
Stark Schmidt, M.Ed. She has over
30 years experience working with
children and holds teaching creden-
tials from the Association Montes-
sori Internationale. Contact her at
maren@marenschmidt.com or visit
MarenSchmidt.com. © 2019.