12 - EASTERN OREGON PARENT - July 2019
Parenting strategies can help you bottle the whine
N
othing can wear you down
as quickly as a whining
child. You may think you are
patient, kind-hearted, understand-
ing and virtuous beyond vocabu-
lary. Five minutes with a whining
child can make all those golden
qualities evaporate. And let us not
forget whiny adults. Whining isn’t
just a youngster’s activity.
Whining works. Which is why it is
used. Most of us would rather give
in than listen to wh-i-i-i-i-ining. What
does whining really communicate?
For starters, whiners try to get
our attention. Whiners try to get
their way. Whining signals that a
person is feeling hurt, or is feeling
ignored and inadequate. These four
motivations boil down to needing
power and attention. The whiner
wants, or even needs, power or
attention, or both.
Behavior, in children and adults,
is need-driven. These needs may be
physical or emotional. If a person
is tired, hungry, cold
and wet, whining
may well be a way
of communicating
that food, a warm
bath, and a bed are
needed. The whiner
wants someone
to pay attention to
immediate physical
needs, needs that
he feels powerless to
obtain on his own.
A whiner may be
feeling lonely, bored,
angry, sad, and feeling
powerless to change the
situation. The whiner may
also want something that
may not be about the object
desired but relate to unmet
needs. For example, whining
about wanting a doll may be about
trying to communicate a need for
more attention from mom or dad,
or perhaps a need to take a doll
and snuggle up for a nap. Whining
for a cookie may signal hunger,
tiredness, or a need for attention
or to feel in control. Discovering
the whiner’s needs can take some
detective work.
It is up to us as the adults in
charge to try to interpret the
whining and connect it to a need.
When we can find the need and
meet it, then the whining stops,
and the whiners learns to ask for
what they need in an appropriate
manner.
It’s important not to give
in to the whine, or you create
reinforcement that whining works
as an effective communication tool.
When the whining starts, take a
deep breathe, and
ask the
whiner to please tell you what they
need or want.
If a child’s needs are physical,
take care to get the child food,
water, rest, and clothing, whatever
the case may be. Use your actions,
not words, to meet the child’s
physical needs.
When a child’s needs are
emotional, sometimes a few words
can turn the situation around.
Perhaps your child is upset about
having to go to bed. “I wa-a-n-n-n-a
sta-a-a-ay u-u-u-up.”
Say what you see: I see you are
upset right now.
Ask the need question: What do
you really need right now?
Wait for the answer or guess at
the answer: Do you need a
hug right now?
Maren
Schmidt
_______________
Kids Talk™
Take action.
Whining can signal many
different needs or wants that often
stem from a need for attention
or power. These behaviors need
interpretation. Whining is a need-
driven behavior and needs can
be physical or emotional. For
physical needs, ask for appropriate
requests—not whining—and use
your actions, not words, to fill
the physical need. For emotional
needs, use words to name the
experience: I see that you are
upset right now. What do you
really need to feel better? Then
take action to fulfill needs.
Understanding our
children makes whining an
unnecessary and short-lived
communication tool. You,
too, can learn to bottle the
whine.
________
Kids Talk™ is an award-
winning column
dealing with childhood
development issues
written by Maren Stark
Schmidt, M.Ed. She
has over 30 years
experience working
with children and
holds teaching
credentials from
the Association
Montessori
Internationale.
Contact her at maren@
marenschmidt.com or visit
MarenSchmidt.com. © 2019.