April 2019 - EASTERN OREGON PARENT - 13
Openly discussing the hidden pain of miscarriage
By CARINA DEVI
All around you, women are
silently grieving, attending meet-
ings and potlucks — going about
business as usual. Their bodies and
hormones are freshly postpartum,
a time that needs great support,
care and emotional nurturance. It is
easy to understand a woman with
a new baby who stays home to rest
and process the great unfolding in
her psyche, identity and body; but a
woman who has just miscarried has
the same needs. Instead of a baby,
she carries her grief with her, an in-
visible weight that becomes heavier
each time she is asked to carry on
as if nothing has happened.
Postpartum care for mothers of
full-term babies is already lacking.
But when a woman is freshly post-
partum from a baby the world does
not see, she feels invisible as well.
We are at a loss for how to dis-
cuss miscarriage, how women can
share that they have had one, and
how to support the women around
us after they have lost a baby. With
one in every three women experi-
encing at least one pregnancy loss
in their lifetime, it’s time for us to
open up the conversation.
While I believe that this is a
discussion — and therefore re-
quires many voices in order to gain
a broader view — here is what I
believe we must do when a woman
we know has miscarried.
Be ready to listen with full pres-
ence and zero judgment. There is
an unfortunate culture of shame
and secrecy around miscarriage.
Perhaps the only place to find
relief from the internalized grief
and confusion of pregnancy loss is
within a woman’s circle of friends.
In my circle, miscarriage is a com-
mon topic and one we are figuring
Strategies
out how to discuss it more openly
as time goes on. These are vibrant,
communicative, and bravely vul-
nerable women. And yet, they
feel shamed into swallowing their
miscarriage experiences by unspo-
ken beliefs about how the loss of a
baby reflects on the mother. While
being heard does not heal the pain
of losing a child, not feeling heard
greatly increases it. Additionally, no
two miscarriages are alike and we
cannot assume that we know what
she is experiencing, even if we have
miscarried ourselves. Listen to the
women around you and be some-
one whom they would feel safe to
share with.
Be with her in what she’s feel-
ing rather than trying to make her
feel better. I’m sure that everyone
who has miscarried has heard
some version of “this is just your
body getting ready” or “at least you
can get pregnant.” It is natural to
search for a silver lining when we
sit with someone in grief. We want
to end the discomfort, to soothe,
and to make things better. But there
frankly is no way to make a miscar-
riage less painful, except through
a woman’s own journey and time.
She may arrive at a conclusion
such as, “the timing wasn’t right,”
but that is hers alone to accept. I
believe that the high prevalence of
miscarriage presents a bittersweet
opportunity to learn how to be with
others through painful times. When
we meet someone at their most
vulnerable and truthfully say, “I
don’t know what to do or say right
now, but I’m here,” that can be the
most refreshing thing to hear.
Ask her what she needs, and
don’t forget her partner. When a
woman loses a baby and visits her
doctor, she is subject to a barrage
of tests, phone calls, appointments
and questions from medical provid-
ers and staff. It often feels like more
emotional labor than a woman
who is postpartum and grieving can
handle. The focus may be on mea-
sures that support her body’s full
release of the pregnancy in these
appointments. But there is a world
of grief, fear, pain, confusion and
deep sadness that may not occur to
her medical care providers. While
we can safely assume that she
is in need of emotional support,
we don’t know what form is most
meaningful to her.
Ask her what she needs. If she
is unsure, offer a variety of ways to
support her that include rest, good
nutrition, loving care for her body,
distraction with a project or funny
movie, or to simply be with her.
Then let her choose. And don’t for-
get that partners are grieving, too.
They need care, rest and nurtur-
ance just as mamas do.
Let’s open up the discussion
around miscarriage so that it is
no longer something shrouded in
secrecy. Someone you know could
miscarry tomorrow — how can you
prepare to be someone they would
come to for support?
What do you wish someone
would have done after you or your
partner miscarried?
________
Mother to a three-year-old, Carina
Devi is also a yoga, meditation, and
mindfulness teacher at Eastern Ore-
gon University, a birth doula, and a
Mindful Mama Mentor, based in La
Grande. You can learn more about
her work at CarinaDevi.com.