October 2018 - EASTERN OREGON PARENT - 7
When “other mothering” set your judgment aside
By SUZANNE KENNEDY
I call it “other mothering” – a
situation in which another mother
can’t keep her nose out of your
business. Is it ever socially accept-
able?
It happens all over the place. At
the park, in church, at school, in the
store, even at family get-togethers.
At some point, there’ll be another
mother nearby, watching what your
kids are doing or not doing. She
wants so badly to say something.
Sometimes it’s a passive aggressive
little side comment and sometimes
she lets it rip loudly and without
shame. Either way, chances are that
you’ll hear it, and you are probably
intended to.
Is it ever appropriate to scold or
redirect someone else’s child? The
answer is a muddled maybe. Is the
parent present? Do you know the
parent? Have you talked about it
before? Does she do it to your kids?
Here’s an example. You’re at the
park with your kids and there are
some other children that are throw-
ing bark. One of your kids has been
caught in the crossfire. If you see
the mother and she either doesn’t
notice or doesn’t seem to care,
approach her first. Being an adult,
you owe her at least that much. If
that doesn’t work – maybe she says
Parenting
Tip
her kids are fine and your kids can
go play somewhere else – avoid
confronting her kids. Most likely
they are not going to listen to you,
so leaving or moving away may be
the best decision at that point. If
the mother isn’t there, go ahead
and ask them nicely to play some-
thing else that doesn’t bother other
children.
Maybe you’re in the grocery
store and pass by a mom who is
obviously at her wit’s end with her
child who is throwing a tantrum.
Rather than trying to calm the
child down (thereby reinforcing to
the mother that she is unable to),
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lighten the mood with a statement
that shows her you understand and
empathize, something that tells her
you’ve been there, too. A light-
hearted “I’m so glad mine aren’t
the only ones who do that in pub-
lic” will make her chuckle, calm her
down, and give her some strength
to get through the rest of the store.
Now here’s another situation.
You’re at the Children’s Museum
with a bunch of friends and their
kids. You need to be gone for a
minute for whatever reason. Let
your friends know it’s okay to
tell your kids to cool it if they are
being naughty. I’ll say something
like, “Hey, I need to take Susie to
the bathroom. Feel free to ‘other
mother’ my kids while I’m gone!”
The difference is that I know my
friends and I trust them. I’m giving
them my permission to say some-
thing if it’s necessary.
Judging other people’s children
often extends to the parents them-
selves. Let me be perfectly clear
– it is never okay. We are all doing
our best and, let’s face it, parent-
ing is hard. You are only viewing a
snapshot of that person’s life. You
have no idea what else they may
be going through, what needs the
child may have, or what may have
led them to make those parenting
decisions.
What makes us assume that
other people’s dietary or behav-
ior decisions for their children are
wrong just because it’s different
than how we handle things? We
may see one dad as way too lenient
or another mom as way too strict.
Some people will even go so far as
to argue that they are just looking
out for the child. (Aside from cases
of actual abuse, this, my friends, is
a usually a crock.) What leads us to
these judgments – is it ego? Do we
worry about our own parenting de-
cisions and so we have to immedi-
ately begin defending our choices? I
think in large part the answer is yes
– we judge others out of a sense of
fear that we aren’t perfect either.
The best approach is to follow
the Golden Rule and give others the
grace and respect that you would
want to receive in return. Let’s give
more fist bumps and fewer snide
comments. Let’s offer support
rather than unsolicited advice. Let’s
be understanding and supportive of
each other.
If judgment and being judged
breed insecurity, imagine what we
can accomplish with respect and
understanding.
________
Suzanne Kennedy is a former middle
school teacher who lives in Pend-
leton with her husband and four
children.