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April 2018 - EASTERN OREGON PARENT - 5
Discipline is most effective when used consistently
By VIRGINIA JUSTICE
I am sure all of us have wit-
nessed the parent whose child
continues to do something after be-
ing asked to stop or the parent who
threatens repeatedly with punish-
ment that never comes. This toler-
ance with threats teaches a child
that regardless of what they do the
parent will not follow through and
so the behavior continues. If you
ask your child to stop doing some-
thing and state that discipline will
occur – if the behavior doesn’t stop
the parent must act. Children learn
quickly who means what they say
and who doesn’t. Consistency is a
major component of discipline and
it’s also essential to the develop-
ment of trust in children.
Threats with failure to follow
through signals to a child that
actions have no consequences. It
shows we are not serious about our
expectations and this leads them
to believe that they can do what
they want without concern. Worse,
this can lead them to think that
there are never consequences for
anything they do and that can spell
trouble for the parent, the child,
and the community, since rules
are an important part living in any
civilized society.
The first step in consistency is
establishing the boundaries you
feel are most important, this means
picking your battles and determin-
ing what you consider tolerable
and what you don’t. You and your
spouse/significant other need to
reach a consensus on these and
agree that you will back
each other up to ensure
compliance. Addition-
ally, if your child goes to
daycare or school you
should discuss what they
feel is appropriate and
inappropriate behavior.
Parents and others car-
ing for the children must
show a united front, even
if not in perfect agree-
ment. If boundaries are
not defined children will
assume none exist. Even
with boundaries they will
test them but without any
they are navigating life
without a map. Knowing
the boundaries and expec-
tations allows children to
make informed decisions
regarding their actions.
Disciplinary action
should be thought out
in advance. That way a
parent won’t go over the top in the
heat of the moment and ground
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their child for a year over a minor
lapse. If you can’t enforce the pun-
ishment then it’s an empty threat
– and kids know this.
Once boundaries are defined
and the appropriate disciplinary
action agreed upon, parents need
to stick to their guns and not let
things slide for whatever reason.
This is the most difficult part, be-
cause frankly there are times when
you are too busy, too tired, too
involved in something else to deal
with it. Resist the urge to just let it
go. Allowing things to slide with-
out consequence sends a message
that, hey, maybe this really is not a
boundary and it’s likely to under-
mine obeying the rules down the
line.
Of course, occasionally rules
are bent; however, this should be
Parenting
Tip
something explained in advance
so the child understands why the
rule is temporarily being lifted. For
example, normal bedtime is 8 p.m.
but the next week is spring break
so you are allowing them to stay up
until 9 p.m. Without an explanation
a child may not understand why the
bedtime rules changed from one
week to another.
Positive reinforcement of good
behavior is at just as important as
correcting inappropriate behavior.
Catching children doing the right
thing nearly guarantees that chil-
dren will repeat the behavior be-
cause ultimately children seek adult
approval. That requires parents to
pay attention and look beyond our
many distractions. Telling children
when they have acted appropri-
ately reinforces the behavior and
makes it more likely that compli-
ance will continue.
Realistically, no one can be per-
fectly consistent. We are all human.
We can, however, worked toward
being as consistent as possible
regarding the consequences related
to actions of our children.
You’ll find useful online parent-
ing tools at store.extension.iastate.
edu/Topic/Home-and-Family. Just
click “Child Care and Development”
in the left column for a selection of
resources. The extension service is
an excellent resource for family and
community.
________
Pendleton home economist Virginia
Justice and her husband have two
college-aged daughters.