February 2018 - EASTERN OREGON PARENT - 13
When your child’s love interest seems a bad choice
By VIRGINIA JUSTICE
I started writing this article with
considerable experience with the
subject and can attest that it is not
a comfortable topic to discuss. But
it is necessary.
When our first daughter
was born a relative re-
marked, “When you have
a boy you have to worry
about your little boy. When
you have a girl you have
to worry about everyone
else’s little boys.” At the
time I did not give the
statement much thought.
However, as my daugh-
ters reached their teens
I completely understood
what they meant, although
I think there’s more to it.
So many issues regarding
young relationships can
cause angst within a family,
especially if parents do not
approve of the significant
other their child is dating.
In the case of our two daughters
(nearly three years apart in age),
one always had to have a boyfriend,
the other could not have cared less
about boys. As the sister of three
brothers, I never went through the
boy crazy stage, perhaps because
I was around my brothers all the
time and they were, to put it nicely,
pests. I think this made it more
difficult to understand my elder
daughter’s need to have a boy-
friend.
There were a couple of boy-
friends throughout middle and high
school that her father and I were
not keen on, my husband more so
than me. Having worked as a class-
room teacher, I try to understand
children rather than judge them,
however, it was clear to me that
some of her choices were question-
able.
My dad, a psychiatric nurse,
advised that we should not vocalize
our dislike of the boyfriend because
that would likely result in her stick-
ing with him like a “burr on a dog.” I
tried to heed his warning but hiding
feelings is not easy for me or my
husband … and the truth came out.
Not surprisingly, my dad was right.
Speaking privately to our daughter,
we expressed our concern over a
remark from her boyfriend that had
made her cry. We felt it was emo-
tionally abusive, but that observa-
tion had the opposite effect of what
we’d hoped and she became even
more enamored with him.
Our daughter seemed to be
most attracted to a certain type, a
guy with little or no family support,
seemingly lost and without much
direction. There were exceptions of
course, but much to our dismay it
seemed she was on a quest to save
these guys from what she per-
ceived as their troubles in life. Our
daughter is a loyal, forgiving and
loving person, traits we admire. But
these traits seemed to work against
healthy romantic choices.
We attempted to coun-
sel her on not trying to
save or change others,
especially if they do not
appear to want to change.
We even became desper-
ate enough to arrange
professional counseling
for her with a therapist. I
was invited to sit in on one
session in which the coun-
selor was trying to get her
to see that it was not her
responsibility to protect or
save these boyfriends and
that perhaps she needed
to revise her choices when
it came to relationships.
The counseling seemed
to have had little effect on
the boyfriends she contin-
ued to select. Looking back, I can
see that many of her friends were
individuals she felt were “under-
dogs.” It was her nature to want to
protect them. It was no fun seeing
her hurt by harsh words or a bro-
ken heart, but I’m confident that I
would never want to change her.
So, what are parents to do in this
situation? First, refrain from being
too judgmental. You are an outsider
looking in and obviously, your child
sees something in the person that
you do not. Unless you suspect
some sort of abuse, try to play it
cool. Be open to talking without
judging; the more you can discuss
openly with your children the more
they will talk to you. This doesn’t
mean you shouldn’t caution them
to use common sense or trust their
gut.
Parenting
Tip
This includes talking about sex;
I believe parents play a huge role
in sex education. Don’t invalidate
their feelings for the boyfriend/
girlfriend, those feelings are very
real to them. But don’t be afraid
to open the door to discussions on
what love is and that sex and love
may not be the same thing.
Establish boundaries, but re-
member you cannot monitor what
they are doing 24/7, and who
knows what goes on at school, an-
other person’s house, at the mall.
Understand that making mistakes
is a part of learning and maturing.
I love this simple acronym: FAIL =
First Attempt In Learning. We have
to make mistakes, we have to be
unafraid to fail on this journey we
call life.
Be a parent, not a friend. Parents
have to set boundaries, say no and
discipline; friends don’t. Parenting
is really a balancing act between
not holding on so tight your child
wants to rebel and being so cool
that your child lacks a model for
good judgement.
Parenting is difficult. I often say
my children did not come with an
instructional manual but they did
come with a no refund clause. It is
about balance and respect.
I have strong opinions, but I truly
want my children to feel that they
have a right to their opinion, even if
it differs from my own.
________
Pendleton home economist Virginia
Justice and her husband have two
college-aged daughters.