November 2017 - EASTERN OREGON PARENT - 13
First-time grandparents may need a few boundaries
By ROBERTA LAVADOUR
Watching a new life enter the
world is one of those moments that
seem to connect you to the pulse
of the universe. I gave birth myself,
but when you’re at the center of
the experience, a bit
lost in the chaotic
swirl of discomfort,
pain, fear, joy and
hope, it’s different;
you’ve got work to
do. Watching the next
generation squirm
into the world from
a comfortable, not-
pregnant perspective
allows one to really
take in that “circle of
life” moment.
With the first
grandchild, everyone
in the family gains a
new role – mother,
father, grandparent,
aunt, uncle – and
everything is focused
on the little bundle
that caused it all. You
recognize your father’s
chin cleft and your
own lips, and you just
want to hold that baby
forever. It can be a bit
of a transition to real-
ize that you have to give him back,
and that the child you gave birth to
and taught to ride a bike is now the
boss of you.
My daughter is highly orga-
nized, a trait she developed as an
act of rebellion against my own
somewhat “non-linear” method
of managing multiple tasks. When
her son arrived, she and her part-
ner more or less followed their
birth plan, tacked a firm but kindly
worded placard on their front door
prohibiting knocks and phone calls,
and alerted everyone that they’d be
taking a little time to bond as a new
family.
I thought I’d have an easy time
deferring to the new parents as
they settled in during the first few
days at home, but was caught off
guard by how strong the desire
was to get my hands on that baby.
As I contemplated driving across
town to park outside their house
(just in case they needed anything),
I Googled “first grandchild” and
“boundaries” … and registered 15
million hits. Apparently, it’s a thing.
I read articles and blog posts
with titles like “Our Baby, Not
Yours” and “Set Boundaries Early or
You’ll Regret It!“ and realized that
they were talking about managing
people just like me. I resolved to
not give in to my craving for baby
skin, and with my newly informed
sense of self-restraint focused
on getting my house
ready for the end of
my daughter’s mater-
nity leave, when I’d be
babysitting one or two
days a week. I tried to
act casual any time my
daughter or her partner
asked if I wanted to
come by and see the
baby for a few min-
utes, hoping not to get
a ticket as a I sped to
their house.
There was a surpris-
ingly steep learning
curve that occurred
with each visit. When
you’re around a new
baby 24/7 you learn
all their nuances and
quirks. You know which
face means they’re
hungry and which
means they’re pooping.
Aside from sleeping,
those are pretty much
the only things going
on during the first six
weeks. When you visit once a week
there are moments of sheer bliss
as the baby sleeps in your arms,
but more often, especially in those
early weeks, it’s like trying to tango
with an angry dance partner. After
long minutes of awkwardly choreo-
graphed patting, bouncing, rocking,
swaying, and pleading, you discover
the true joy of being a grandparent:
handing a fussy infant back to his
parents.
The baby and I are going to have
Young
Children
plenty of time to get acquainted as
we spend one long day together
each week, and I want to be as pre-
pared and deferential as possible.
Reading through the articles online,
one theme becomes clear: The
wishes of the parents always trump
the tempting fallback of “That’s
how I did it with my kids and they
survived.” My daughter remarked
she was becoming surprised that
she’d made it through her own
childhood unscathed, given the
number of questions that I was ask-
ing, but expert advice has changed
considerably in the past 30 years.
The American Academy of Pe-
diatrics’ Healthy Children website
(www.healthychildren.org) provides
sound information for parents
and for grandparents who provide
childcare. The site outlines major
changes in recommendations for
everything from sleeping position
to over-the-counter medications
to fruit juice – changes that have
made kids safer and healthier.
I’m looking forward to imple-
menting all the latest recommenda-
tions – including keeping him away
from digital screens – and having
the opportunity to watch him grow
up. I’m sure I’ll make a few mistakes
and sneak him a forbidden treat
once in a while when he’s bigger –
just don’t tell his mom and dad.
That’s all part of grandparenting,
right?
________
Roberta Lavadour is Executive
Director of the Pendleton Center for
the Arts at www.pendletonarts.org.