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Who’s competing for what between rival siblings?
wants and needs, and it is o en
the children who are close in age
that develop the greatest rivalry.
Compe on can also intensify
when parents’ me at home is
limited, such as occurs when they
have busy jobs that o en keep
them away.
Siblings develop various strate-
gies for ge ng their wants and
needs met. Being cute, wi y,
helpful, cheerful, smart, or af-
fec onate generally elicits more
giving from parents. Some children
are be er at these strategies than
others, resul ng in kids who feel
neglected or deprived of a en-
on. These “last place” children
may resort to ac ng-out behaviors,
fi guring that nega ve a en on is
be er than no a en on at all.
Children also compete for the
By TERRY TEMPLEMAN, Ph.D.
Sibling rivalry is common in all
cultures. Although it o en pro-
duces strong emo ons for children
and parents alike, one way parents
can reduce their anxiety about it is
to look at it from a prac cal stand-
point.
Sibling rivalry occurs when
children compete with each other
for resources that parents control.
Some of these resources meet
physical needs and comfort, such
as food, clothing, privacy, trans-
porta on, and access to toys or
entertainment. Some are personal
needs such as a en on, approval,
and aff ec on. When there are
many children and only one or two
parents the compe on for those
resources can be intense. Children
of diff erent ages also have diff erent
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Strategies
a en on of the parent who has
the resource they most want. For
example, they may compete for af-
fec on and caring from the parent
who best displays these quali es
but compete for permission to do
something from the parent who
has the most authority to grant
requests.
Punishing sibling rivalry gen-
erally doesn’t work. Parents will
have more control over the situa-
on if they take the me to ex-
amine what resources and whose
resources the children are com-
pe ng for, then brainstorm ideas
for alloca ng those resources in a
more equitable manner. It’s also
useful to remember that compe -
on among children is not neces-
sarily a bad thing. Learning how to
compete might even help them be
more successful once they grow up
and leave home.
________
Dr. Terry Templeman is a psycholo-
gist with Psychological Services of
Pendleton.
