March 2017 - EASTERN OREGON PARENT - 7
Give and take: Foster cooperation through choices
M
ost of the conflicts we
have with our preschool-
age children involve
getting them to do something they
don’t want to do in a reasonable
amount of time. Eating, getting
dressed, going to bed or taking a
bath may be familiar conflict areas.
In parenting class, I was intro-
duced to the idea of giving choices
to avoid conflict. When we give
choices, or freedom within limits,
we can help our chil-
dren feel in control of
themselves, foster co-
operation and develop
independence.
How and when to
present choices are
critical to the success
of implementing this
concept. If we give
too many choices, we
may create an envi-
ronment of frustration
and again encounter
lack of cooperation.
Giving few choices, we
risk being authoritarian
and may create rebellion or subter-
fuge in our children.
The art of implementation is
looking at each child and situation
with fresh and understanding eyes,
while remaining kind and firm.
Everyday was a struggle to brush
my two-and-a-half-year-old’s teeth.
Hannah lacked the fine motor
control to do the job alone and
resisted mightily when I tried.
I was totally frustrated, and bed-
time was a disaster.
At our dental check-up, I men-
tioned to Dr. Jim about our brush-
ing conflict.
“Hannah,” Dr. Jim inquired.
“Why are you fighting with your
mom about brushing your teeth?”
“The toothpaste burns my
mouth.”
“Let’s try some different flavors.
I have cinnamon, bubblegum, pep-
permint and strawberry. Which one
do you want to taste first?”
Hannah cheerfully sampled each
flavor and selected a tube. That
was the end of our Battle of the
Brush. I remain thankful to Dr. Jim
for lowering my stress level twenty
points with bubblegum flavored
toothpaste. I hadn’t considered giv-
ing Hannah a choice of toothpaste.
I hadn’t even thought to ask her
why she was upset.
Years later, I witnessed my
friend, Martha, go overboard with
choices.
“Jimmy, would you like oatmeal
or eggs for breakfast?”
“Oatmeal.”
“Do you want blueberry, straw-
berry, cinnamon or maple flavor?”
“Cinnamon.”
“Do you want brown sugar or
honey?”
“Honey.”
“Do you want butter or milk on
it?”
“Milk.”
Maren
Schmidt
_______________
Kids Talk™
“Do you want it in the white or
the blue bowl? Do you want apple,
grape or orange juice?”
Poor Jimmy. This
two-year-old was inter-
rogated for breakfast.
After the third ques-
tion, I watched Jim-
my’s eyes glaze. When
the blue bowl arrived,
Jimmy gave his mother
“a look” and then
dumped his oatmeal
on the table.
“Giving choices just
isn’t working,” Martha
lamented.
I observed that giv-
ing too many choices
doesn’t work. Martha
should have stopped at oatmeal!
Question after question turned a
picky eater into a rebel.
When a child is defiant, he is
asking us, “Who is the boss here?
You act like it’s me. If it’s you, then
show me.”
Don’t be afraid of showing your
child that defiant behavior is unac-
ceptable. He is asking for limits
to be set and enforced. Too many
choices can cause a child to ques-
tion his role in the parent/child
relationship. Our children need for
us to be the adults in charge, so
they can feel safe and secure.
We also need to be on guard for
giving choices that aren’t appropri-
ate. Dawn thought that giving her
Parenting
Tip
four-year-old daughter, Sophie, a
choice about what time to go to
bed would make bedtime smooth-
er. In reality, bedtime was not nego-
tiable for Dawn, as Sophie thought
her choice was no bedtime. Chaos
and unhappiness ensued. Dawn
realized she needed to set and en-
force bedtime.
The choices Dawn gave Sophie
were decisions such as what color
pajamas to wear, what books to
read and what prayers to say. When
Dawn set the limits regarding time
and then gave Sophie freedom
within those limits, bedtime be-
came calmer. Sophie understood
her limits and the freedom she
had within those limits. Bedtime
became a loving ritual instead of a
power struggle.
Allowing choices fosters self-con-
trol, cooperation and independence
in our children. Be aware of giving
too many or inappropriate choices.
When your child gets to those
bumpy teenage years, he or she will
have many years of practicing how
to make “good” choices. You’ll be
able to feel confident in your teen-
ager’s ability to continue to make
“good” choices when dealing with
tough decisions with friends, drugs
and alcohol.
________
Kids Talk™ is an award-winning column
dealing with childhood development issues
written by Maren Stark Schmidt, M.Ed. She
has more than 25 years experience work-
ing with young children and is the author
of Understanding Montessori: A Guide for
Parents. Contact her via e-mail at maren@
kidstalknews.