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Simple tips for raising children to be affectionate
Parenting
Tip
Psychologists and physi-
cians agree that human be-
ings need aff ec on and loving
touch in their lives. We’ve all
heard of research documen ng
that some infants who didn’t
receive aff ec on and touch
failed to thrive or even died.
Our culture, however, places so
much value on independence
and a certain rugged individual-
ism that it serves to diminish
the value of aff ec on overall.
Psychologist and author
Harriet Heath, Ph.D., points
out that instead of carrying
babies close to our bodies, we
o en put them in hard plas c
carriers. Speaking harshly to
and spanking children is not
uncommon in our culture.
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Boys in our society o en withdraw
from expressing aff ec on at all.
Doesn’t sound very warm and cozy
here, does it?
Don’t get too depressed. Being
aff ec onate is a value that can be
consciously ins lled and fostered
in a family. Heath comments that
all children have the capacity to be
warm and aff ec onate; once their
physical and safety needs are met,
their social needs for being loved
and giving love will mo vate them
toward being aff ec onate. Parents
need to be aware of opportuni es
for showing and teaching aff ec on
throughout their development. In
her book, “Using Your Values to
Raise Your Child to Be an Adult You
Admire,” Heath off ers these ps on
ins lling aff ec on in children:
Babies: Hold, touch, cuddle and
pay a en on to your baby. Within
the fi rst two months of life, you
should see your baby looking for
aff ec on and responding to smiles,
cooing, and snuggling.
Toddlers: As toddlers become
more independent and mobile,
they use that mobility to explore
and then come back to you for hugs
and kisses. Off er and accept aff ec-
on freely. As they begin to talk,
teach them to use kind words and a
pleasant tone of voice.
Preschoolers: Point out to your
preschooler how others are feeling.
Establish rou nes of aff ec on, such
as goodbye hugs and goodnight
kisses. Con nue teaching him how
diff erent tones of voice sound and
how to control his own.
School-age: Consider making
goodbye hugs and kisses private
at this age, instead of in front of
other children at the bus stop—but
don’t stop giving them. Look for
other mes to off er and receive
aff ec on—while reading, watching
TV or just snuggling on the couch.
Let her know that hugs and kisses
are important to you. A shoulder
rub, stroking a child’s hair, or even
just holding hands are also ways to
show aff ec on. Con nue to help
her hear herself so that she learns
how a demanding tone makes oth-
ers feel put down.
Teens: Con nue the above.
Teenagers very much need to
receive and give those hugs. They
must be appropriate and kindly.
Kind communica on can be diffi cult
at this developmental stage, but try
to keep the idea subtly present.
________
Story reprinted with permission
from ParenƟ ng Press, © 2017