CHI
THE PHYSICIAN AS A DESPOT. DREARY PEISON UFE.
We Know the Doctor Is Fallible, Yet We
Inut Him Implicitly. j
"Without any pretense of faith in any
doctor who is not regular, and without
prejudice to a sincere intention of call
ing in a thoroughly instructed and ex
pert practitioner whenever occasion de
mands, it is still permissible to smile
amiably at the professional jealousy of
quacks. The successful physician, with
exceptions which happily are much more
numerous than they were, is the most
intolerant despot on earth. And we en
courage him to be so.
We are vaguely aware of the limita
tions of Ms knowledge; we know that
he has to guess first what is the matter
with us, and next what will do us good,
and that though there are facts his ac
quaintance with which helps him to
guess right, many theories that regulate
his professional action are still hypothet
ical, and may or may not be correct.
We know that he has discovered that
many of the methods his father used
were unwise and deleterious, and that
the doses his grandfather gave often
hastened the result they were intended
to prevent and hindered what they were
designed to indue.
We know not only that he is a man,
and therefore fallible, but that his pro
fessional science, like bis father's and
grandfather's, is progressive, and is still
very far from being exact. Neverthe
less when anythiner ails us, in spite of
all we know of bis limitations, we fly to
him as though he were all wise, and do
as nearly what he tells us as our flesh
and our pockets permit. For we believe
that, erring and inadequate as he is, he
knows more than we do, and that his
knowledge is, on the whole, the best that
is at our command.
The childlike trust in our physicians
is a phenomenon which is creditable to
us and to our doctors, and from which
we both get benefit. Undoubtedly our
physicians do us good, and indeed they
ought to, even if they" knew less and
guessed less fortunately than they do,
else were faith a much less potent virtue
tnan it is declared to De.
But it is one thing for us to flock of
our own accord to the doctors, and quite
another thing for those professional
gentlemen to hold that we shall come
to them and to none else, and that
we may neither be legitimately born,
nor die legally, except with the concur
rence of the learned faculty. Scribner's,
MULTIFARIOUS TRICKS OF THE CON
VICTS TO KILL TIME.
Trgedlea.Bebinl the Bars Men Who De
liberately Maim Themselves In Order to
Evade the Regular Routine of Prison
Ufe Men Who Sham Sickness.
Pastimes of City Boys.
A singular game has for its founda
tion an ash barrel. Across the top of
this is placed a board two or three inches
in width, which projects about the same
distance over the rims of the barrel. On
one of these projecting ends a ball is bal
anced; the batsman then takes his bat
and with all his strength strikes tho
other end of the board. The ball flies
up and away in a before unknown direc
tion, and the batsman, should he not be
caught out, attempts to run to a base
and return before the ball can be fielded
"home."
Look above you at the telegraph wires.
Sooner or later they become the natural
end of every kite flown in this street,
and the tattered fragments with which
the wires are adorned bear witness that
kite flying as a popular pastime, even if
disastrous to the kites. In this sport
country boys may fairly claim superior
ity. Comparatively few city boys know
how to fly a kite; they never seem able
to manage the tail. Kites in the city
can only be successfully flown from the
housetops.
Marbles we see of every kind, "mig
gles" and "alleys," "taws" and "agates."
Generally the games are played in a
ring drawn with chalk on the sidewalk,
for holes are not made or found here so
easily as they are in a country play
ground. Frank M. Chapman in St.
Nicholas.
Trifling Things in Court.
Very trifling things sometimes go very
far in the courts. The supreme court of
the United States has ended a costly and
long controversy by ruling upon the
question, "Is the tomato a fruit or a
vegetable?" About $30,000 has been ex
pended in the celebrated "Jones county
calf case," in Iowa, in which the owner
ship of a calf valued at fifteen dollars is
involved. A Mediis county (O.) farmer
a few years ago refused to pay taxes on
four moolleys on the ground that the
law provided for the taxation of "all
horned cattle of whatsoever, kind,"
whereas the four cows had no horns.
This case wan ended in the circuit court
after the costs had eaten up the value of
the defendant's farm. A suit for taxes
in which the Standard Oil company is
involved to the extent of several hun
dred thousand dollars in Pennsylvania
and Ohio hangs upon the insertion of a
comma in an "Ohio statute. Chicago
ilail.
A. Machine That flakes and Cooks Sausages
One of the novelties at the St. Pancras
exhibition in London, England, was a
sausage machine, driven by electric mo
tor. In conjunction with this machine
it has been proposed to employ an electra
heating attachment, whereby the savory
dish can be delivered cooked and smok
ing hot to the purchaser. It begins to
look as if fie ehrewd individual who
concpived the idea or a universal pig
- -utilizing machine, into which the animal
could be put at one end, to emerge at the
' other as enred hams and blacking brushes,
- was no visionary. Out only a prophet a
little in advance of his times.' St. Louis
Globe-Democrat.
The Masher Mashed.
I want some nice little thing for my
wife something that'll please her." said
Masham. "Perhaps you could suggest
something. -.
"Yes." said the saleslady. "I think a
telegram saying a house has fallen on
yon ought to please her." New York
Herald. - ; '-
Fail am to Soma One.
'"Is marriage.o '-. failure?"? asked the
youth. '
"Yes, to Alice Ponsonby.-Answered
the maid es eh gazed down at the ring
which tioraco i leugeiy nau given nor.
Jvekrs'" Circular.
There are many incidents in the prison
life of convicts that are out of the ordi
nary, and may be said to form part of
their pleasures, although some are weird,
and tragio enough in themselves to be
classed as anything but pleasures. I rec
ollect on one occasion that I was appoint
ed a special "trusty" over a tall, lank,
dark featured young southerner who, in
a moment of hopeless desperation, had
cut his throat.
Teddy, as we will call him, had been
a headstrong boy, and his parents could
not control him, and after a youthful
vagabondage he had enlisted in the reg
ular army, where he was always in trou
ble. When under my care in the special.
hospital ward to which he had been sent
he related much of his past life to me,
and I learned that he had attempted to
take his life when he was a soldier in the
same manner as he had done in state
prison.
He was not a bad sort of fellow, but
being of a sensitive nature, as well as
unreasonable, he allowed his gloomy
thoughts to master him, and this would
result in periods of depression and sub
sequent desperation, and he cared not
what he said or did. In fact, he was in
clined to emotional insanity.
One night, while my fellow trusty and
I were engaged in conversation, he lay
on his cot pondering over his gloomy
fate, when something we said aroused
him, and he flew into a rage, got up and
grappled me m a desperate manner.
I quickly flung him back on his cot
and pinioned him, telling my fellow
trusty a mere boy to ring up the
guard.
It was a terrible struggle to keep him
in subjection until the guard arrived, for
his frenzy gave him almost superhuman
strength. He quieted down as soon as
the guard arrived and said he was a fool
for getting into such a temper, and as
he feared, the straitjacket he promised
to behave himself in the future. ,
He, however, in another of his frenzied
attacks attempted to tear open the wound
in his throat, and it was by no means an
easy matter to prevent him doing so.
But a reasonable and sympathetic talk
generally conquered his excitability. He
finally was sent to the insane asylum.
One morning as prayer was being said
in the prison chapel one of the convicts
set up a howl and began barking like a
dog, after which he clapped his hands
one, two, three; one, two, three and
this caused a general murmur of mixed
merriment and expectation.
Two guards immediately passed to the
end of the form on which he was sitting
and were hustling him out of the chapel
when he flew into a rage, struggled with
them and hurled horrible curses at them
as well as at the officiating chaplain,
who was a particularly obnoxious man
to the prisoners. Whether the fellow
was insane or not 1 cannot say. The
prison authorities thought he was not,
and he was roundly punished for his
escapade.
On another occasion as we were march
ing into the hall for supper one of the
convicts gave a howl, threw up his arms
and dropped dead on the floor a fellow
convict had stabbed him. There was
some enmity between the two, and it re
sulted in the death of both.
I was hospital . trusty, and a long line
of prisoners were being attended to by
the doctor for real or imaginary ills. One
of the prisoners on this particular occa
sion had nearly served his term of sen
fence, and he was to have been exam
ined in order that the medical officer
could report on his condition.
I was preparing a dose of common
stuff for the prisoner standing next but
one to him when he fell forward on the
floor and blood gushed from his mouth
in a stream. He had ruptured a blood
vessel, and in spite of the doctor's efforts
the poor fellow died.
Malingering is a very general method
among prisoners to shirk the monotony
or the labor consequent on their impris
onment. Anything that will relieve the
tediousness and is at hand is brought
into action. One here in the quarry
will mash his finger in.order that he may
be sent to the hospital.
Another there will quite accidental
ly of course fall down the corridor
steps and sustain such injuries as to in
sure a quiet time of convalescence on a
hospital diet, and so forth; but the pris
on doctor is an fait with all classes of
malingers, and uses his experience in
treating such as come before him. Con
sequently the good times often antici
pated never materialize.
I know one ignorant, soft headed fel
low who became really ill by eating the
soap he was allowed with which to per
form his daily ablutions. ; Often had
cases come before me where soap eating
had put men into a feeble state of health
and lent a sickly aspect to their counte
nances, but this fellow was sick, and no
mistake.
After a. course of treatment which was
in itself as bad as the cause for it he
was, however, restored and sent into
solitary confinement as a further punish
ment. He never ate soap again, but, I
may remark, he was subsequently poi
soned by eating some of the vegetable
growths around where he, with his fel
lows, was wont to labor.
. 'All things . considered, the malingerer
comes out only second best, but it must
be a terrible punishment that causes
men to resort to it in order to lighten
their burdens. -. .- , .. -.'V
: The two most notable cases I ' have
ever met of this kind were where a man
boldly put his foot under a falling mass
of stone in the quarry, causing it to be
terribly crushed , and to be eventually
amputated;,-and, , in the second case,
where a man feigned rheumatism and
'underwent every conceivable torture at
the hands of the prison physician, who
knew the fellow was shamming. New
York Herald.
OE MAN'S SNAKE RECORD.
True History of a Georgian Who Does
Not Wish to Pose as s Mnnchansen.
There is a citizen of Voldosta who has
had some startling experiences with
poisonous snakes during his life. He is
entirely responsible, does not like no
toriety and seldom talks of his advent
ures with reptiles, because he fears his
recital of them would not be believed,
and he does not care to figure as a Mun
chausen among snake story tellers.
Some tune ago he was attracted by the
laughing of a child who was at play in
the front yard. Looking through the
window he discovered to his horror that
the child was playing with a great live
rattlesnake, which sprang its warning
rattle just as the child was rescued from
what would have been certain death.
At another time recently, while wad
ing in a branch, he stepped on a large
water moccasin, and narrowly escaped
being bitten, as he had crushed the body
of the reptile and aroused its wrath. It
did show fight, however, chasing him
to dry land. ; . v ;
On still another occasion," says this
hero of many battles with snakes, "I had
cause to tramp all day with some com
panions in a swamp, and it was during
snake time of the year. During that
day I had the misfortune to step on as
many as three live and wngghng moc
casins at different times, but had the
good luck, as usual, to get off without
having their poisonous fangs struck into
my flesh. No other one of the party had
any such close calls. Jt all fell to my
lot.
'At another time, while I was push
ing my way through a thick and boggy
swamp, one of my feet broke through
the moss covered mud, and it threw me
forward. I caught at a tussock jnst by
me, and threw my hand on a large moc
casin. It flinched, but did not move,
was stuck in the mud. Its forked tongue
flashed in my facel I could not get up
without a struggle, and I was afraid to
make the effort, fearing that a move
ment on my part would bring a strike
in the face. I held my breath, while my
hand went to my belt, and I drew there
from a pistol. In an instant I got in the
first blow, and the snake's head went off.
A friend stood on a tussock five feet
away watching the tragedy in one act.
"Recently I was hunting cows m the
pine woods. I rode a mule. I was going
at a slow lope. Suddenly the beast threw
its head down with a snort, and plowed
the earth with both fore hoofs in a des
perate effort to take up. I went over
the horn of the saddle and astride of the
mule's neck, and would have pitched
over my head on the spot had I not seized
the animal s ears, one in each hand, as I
struggled wildly to prevent a fall. My
head and chest went full over its head,
but my grip on the long ears and my feet
locked around its neck saved me for the
time.
"Thus poised in a ridiculous attitude,
my beast regained its footing, and then
began backing and slamming me about
against brush and sapling, until I rolled
off on the ground. When I gained my
feet I discovered a large rattlesnake in
coil under a palmetto bush, just in front
of the spot where the mule made the des
perate effort Jo stop, and if i had gone
over the animal's head I would have
fallen head foremost upon the deadly
reptile.
"More wonderful to relate, a little
toddler who was burdened with my name
came across a rattler one day and picked
it up, and went around playing with it
until an older brother discovered the
child's peril and jerked it away from the
snake." Atlanta Constitution.
X.ITTX.K JOKELXTB.
Character is to intellect what a loco
motive is to a train of cars. " ' .
A sugar exchange has opened at Pra
gue, .Bohemia, and the dealings are
large. v -.
It is officially stated that Porte will
not permit the Jews to immigrate into
Jerusalem.
Smile at the world and it will smile
back at you. Let it see you weep and
it will laugh at you.
A good man is a man who is good to
us, and a bad man is a man who doesn't
do what we want him to do.
The friend who cries with you finds
out a grpat many things you will re
gret when your eyes are dried.
One trouble about unsleasant people
is that it generally seems impossible
lor tnem to get out or tne way.
How much more detestable a fault
appears when we can trace it to some
one whose station in life we envy.
Eduaction is all right, just so it does
not make the victim too smart to work
and not smart enough to get a long
without working. ' -
Rurgalar What would you say if I
were to blow your head off for not tell
ing me where your money is? Mr. Joker
Not a word sir, not a word. Lowell
Citizen.
is here and has come to stay. It hopes
o wm its way to public favor by ener
gy, industry and merit; and to this end
we ask that you give it a fair trial, and
11 satisfied with its course -a generous
support.
An Austrian professor says many la
dies who keep lapdogs suffer from an
affection of the liver, occasioned by a
small .parasite which - is . peculiar
to tne aog's liver. - -
Attorney (to witness) You know this
man- Witness Yes, sir. Attorney
What is his reputation for truth and
varacitv? Witness Well, he writes ob
ituary verses. Epoch. .
"Oh, by the way, dear," . began ;the
"society post" correspondent. ."Whatis
it?" . asks the patient spouse. "I wish
to speak to you of Miss tigs, who vaca
tioned here last Spring. Should I say
that she sprung here or that she spring-
edheref Clnhago Times.
The Brighton Beach Music hall pro
gramme says of the bchubert U-minor
(unfinished) symphony : .
"The Finale is a fitting climax in its
resistless rush and the ending closes
with an immense crescendo, fiery in its
energy, and spreading over 164 measures
beiore coming to the nnai rest.
Crowded Out "1 like this dress very
much" said Ethel. "It's lust two de
lightfully tight. But where are the
pockets?" "Here they are,"' said the
dressmaker, handing her two small silk
en baes. You'll have to carry them in
your hands. There's not room in the
dress for them." Harpers Bazar.
Living skeleton (only one in America
at dime museum) These folks make
me tired. Sympathetic Visitors In
what way? "Here I am earning $500
week as the greatest living . skeleton, yet
hour after hour, day in and day out, one
old woman after another stops an'
chins at me about the things I ought to
eat to get fat." Street & Smith's Good
News.
.Hitting the Nail.
The travel of thousands of human be
ings up and down the tiled corridors of
the postoffice has so worn the tiles that
it is like walking over plowed ground.
An old man and his wife, evidently
strangers on a visit, were inspecting the
interior of the building the other day.
when she noticed the roughness and
called his attention to it. and added:
""Samuel, I didn't know that each a
floor as this ever warped."
"Of course it don't," he replied, as he
stopped to look.
"Then it's settled or sprung."
"Can't be. Stone floors can't spring.
Lemme take a look."
He went out doors and peered around
for two or three minutes, and then re
joined her to say:
"Can't see any place where he got un
der, but I know what's the matter.
Some stray hog's got under there and
riz part of the floor up with his back.
Don't you remember how they used to
crawl under our kitchen and almost lift
the hull house up?" New York World.
pimples.
The old idea of 40 years ago was that facial
eruptions were due to a "blood humor," for
which they gave potash. Then all the old Sarsa
parillas contain potash, a most objectionable and
drastic mineral, that instead of decreasing,
actually creates more eruptions. You have no
ticed this when taking other Sarsaparillas than
Joy's. It Is however now known that the stom
ach, the blood creating power, is the seat of all
vitiating or cleansing operations. A stomach
clogged by indigestion or constipation, vitiates
the blood, result pimples. A clean stomach and
-healthful digestion purines it and they disappear,
Thus Joy's Vegetable Sarsaparilla is compounded
after the modern idea to regulate the bowels and
stimulate the digestion. The effect is immediate
and most satisfactory. A short testimonial to
contrast the action of the potash Sarsaparillas
and Joy's modern vegetable preparation. Mrs.
C. D. Stuart, of 400 Haves St., S. F., writes:
hare for years had indigestion, I tried a popular
Sarsaparilla but it actually caused more pimples
to break out on my face. Hearing that Joy's was
a later preparation and acted differently, I tried
it and the pimples immediately disappeared."
Vegetable
Sarsaparilla
Largest bottle, most edbctive, same price,
For Sale by SNIPES &. KINERSLY
THE DALLES, OREGON. '
Tho Cost of Feasts in the Past.
In 1638 the opening of Inigo Jones
new theater was celebrated by an elabo
rate banquet, attended by the lords of
the council, and the bill amounted to
84 6s. 4d., exclusive of wine. Glass
and plate were hired, and some of the
former was broken and had to be paid
for. . We have the details of three din
ners in 1076. A leg of mutton costs 8s.
4d. ; a sirloin of beef, 9s. ; 3 chickens and
3 rabbits, 5s. 6d.; 8 artichokes, Is., and
4 cauliflowers. Is. 3d. For buttered ale,
the ingredients of which were a hundred
eggs, 8 gallons of ale, 2 pounds of but
ter, 8 pounds of sugar and 1 ounce of
nutmegs, the charge was 10s. lid. Gen
tleman's Magazine. 1
Silver, Not Honor, Wanted.
Theodore de Banville, the poet, could
not b persuaded to seek a place in the
French Academy. One day Francois
Coppee vainly tried all his arts to over
come the : prejudice of ' De . Banville.
"But," he cried at last, "what will you
do if we bring you the notification of
your election on a silver plate? De
Banville answered quickly, "! shall cer
tainly accept the silver plate." Paris
Figaro.
' , Proof,
said to
be bad for the
"Sweets
teeth." -
"They are, very. My wife made a pie
the other day, and I broke five of my
front ones trying to bite through it.
Harpers Bazar,
Jo
IB
Dalles
i:f icvtiirt,
OiioiiB
The
Daily
four pages of six columns each, .will be
issued every evening, except Sunday,
and will be delivered in the city, or sent
by mail for the moderate sum of fifty
cents a month.
Its Objects
will be to advertise the resources of the
city, and adjacent country, to assist in
developing1 our industries, in extending
and opening up new channels for our
trade, in securing an open river, and in
helping THE DALLES to take her prop
er position as the
Leading City of Eastern Oregon.
The paper, both daily and weekly, will
be independent in politics, and in its
criticism of political matters, as in
handling of local affairs, it will be
its
JUST, FAIR AND IMPARTIAL
We will endeavor to give all the lo
cal news, and we ask that your criticism
of our object and course, be formed from
the contents of the paper, and not from
rash assertions of outside parties.
THE WEEKLY,
sent to any address for $1.50 per year.
It will contain from four to six eight
column pages, and we -shall endeavor
to make it the equal of the best. Ask
your Postmaster for a copy, or address.
THE CHRONICLE PUB. CO.
Office, N. W. Cor. Washington and Second Sts.
A Necessity.
The consumption
of tea largely in
creases every year in
England, Russia, and
the principal Euro
pean tea-drinking
I countries. But it
does not grow in
America. And not
alone that, but thou
sands of Europeans
who leave Europe
ardent lovers of tea,
upon arriving in the
United States gradu
ally discontinue its use, and finally; cease it
altogether. -;:
This state of things is due to the fact that
the Americans think so much of business
and so little of their palates that they permit
China and Japan to ship them their cheapest
and most worthless teas. Between the
wealthy classes of China and Japan and the
exacting and cultivated tea-drinkers of
Europe, the finer teas find a ready market.
The balance of the crop comes to America.
Is there any wonder, then, that our taste for
tea does not appreciate?
In view of these facts, Is there not an Im
mediate demand for the Importation of
brand of tea that is guaranteed to be un-
colored, nnmanipulated, and of absolute
parity? We think there is, and present
Beech's Tea. Its purity Is guaranteed In
every respect. It has, therefore, more In
herent strength than the cheap teas you have
been drinking, fully one third, less being re
quired for an infusion. This yon will dis
cover the first time you make it. likewise,
the flavor is delightful, being the natural fla- i
vor of an unadulterated article. It is a revets,
tion to tea-drinkers. Sold only in packages
. bearing this mark:
BEECtm TEA
I. (J. flKELpEB,
i'
DEALER IN
SCHOOL BOOKS,
STATIONERY,
ORGANS,
PIANOS,
. WATCHES,
JEWELRY.
Cor. Third and Washington Sts. '
SjttPES & KIWLY,
Wholesale and Mail Drniists.
-DEALERS IN-
s
PureAs;hooci:
Price 60c per pound." For sale at r
Xieslle H3-w.-tXo:r'e,
THE DALLES, OREGON.
Cleveland, Wash., )
: June 19th, 1891.$
S. B. Medicine Co.,
Gentlemen Your kind favor received,
and in reply would say that I am more
than pleased with the terms offered me
on the last shipment of your medicines
There'is nothing like them ever intro
duced in this country, especially for La
grippe and kindred complaints. I have
had no complaints so far, and everyone
is ready with a word of praise for their
virtues. Yours, etc.,
M. F. Hacelet.
Fine Imported, Key West and Domestic
CIGARS.
PAINT
Now is the time to paint your house
and if you wish to get the best quality
and a fine color use the
-to
Sherwin, Williams Cos Paint.
For those wishing to see the quality
and color of the above paint we call their
attention to the residence of 8. L. Brooks,
Judge Bennett, Smith French and others
painted by Paul Kreft.
" Snipes & Kinersly are agents for the
above paint for The Dalles. Or. . v
W. H. NEABEACK,
PROPRIETOR OF THE
Granger Feed Yard,
THIRD STREET. ,
(At Grimes' old place of business.) .
Horses fed to Hay or Oats at the lowest possi
ble prices. - Good care given to animals left in
my charge, as I have ample stable room. Give
me a call, and I will guarantee satisfaction.
. . W. H. NEABEACK.