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THE OREGON- SUNDAY JOURNAL PORTLANp. SUNDAY IMORNING, NOVEMBER B, 1S2L
SOY BY
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TAFLE-HONEY-KID!" , Brian Boru j
Blaney leaned from Pullman seat
2S and thus addressed himself to the '
somber orbs of light becomingly set in
the features of the very new Mrs. Blaney,
that lady being comfortably cushioned in
Pullman seat 27.
"Sugar-boy-dear!" responded the pre
viously matter-of-fact Betsy. Then, with
a momentary lapse into sanity, she whis
pered: "Brian, the whole car is looking
at us!" '
' Responsive to the warning, Brian made
a sudden movement, and several hand-
fuls of rice clattered to the floor frota
various parts of his clothing.
"Darn that god-speed stuff!" he grum
bled. "The more I see of rice the worse
I hate Japs."
"Sugar," she said, after a pause, "I
wish you'd take that thing" pointing to
a bright blue button almost as big as a
saucer and labeled "Boost for San Bruno"
"and put it in Vour pocket."
"Now, Candy-bfig!" protested Brian, in
a hurt tone, "we ain't ashamed of the
home town, are we?"
"You bet we aren't!" agreed Betsy,
warmly. "And that's why I think it's up
to us not to make the home town ridicu- .
loua" j
"Funny!" he said. "Those are the very
words Obrey O'Malley said to me this
morning."
'"What words ?"
" 'Don't make the home town ridicu
lous.' Y' know. When the Boosters took
us to the train, C. W. Ketchum pullin'
my arm loose at the socket while kit
tenish Sid Kldllta poured 18 cents' worth
o rice down my foliar? Well, old Obrey
O'Malley led mo aside for a minute.
Uncle Obe's got more sense In his upper
right-hand eyelash than Ketchum can
hire In his whole office force. 'Brian,'
says Obrey, you'jre going to see N York
for the firs' time. It's a great big town
full o' things a young man can slip up on
and fall over. I hope you won' think
me impertinent, ibut I want to give you
..word of advice! don't be" a hick.
"I says to O'SIalley," Brian went on,
"."Uncle Obe, what can I do to conceal
my hickory orlgfn?"
" Til give you a few Dont's for Hicks,'
says O'Malley. ')on't smoke a' cigar with
a band on it. Don't get up in street cars
and offer a lady your seat. Don't let the
barber shave the back of your neck.
Don't talk politics with strangers. Don't
wear tan shoes Jwlth buttons on 'em.' "
(Furtively Betsy noted that her hus
band's shoes were of the kind described.)
" "Don't drink Volstead hyphenated Man
hattan cocktallsj Don't be ashamed to
walk over people's knees In the theatre.
And don't offend the head waiter by try
ing to tip him In public. Those are a few
. rough rules whldh may keep you a while
out of the Order jof Straw along the Great
White Graft,' sas Uncle Obe."
"O'Malley gav me this letter of intro
duction." Brian) fished a large envelope
from his inner pocket "Said it was a
ral N Yorker Pa fella belonging to .a
Knickerbocker family so old it considers
the Vanderbilts (vulgar trades people."
"Now, you most present this letter as
soon as wet get to New York," said Betsy,
La a slightly abashed tone.
Brian turned he envelope critically in
his hand, reading the address at every
conceivable angle.
"Mr. Dyckman Wynkoop, 13 Wash
ington Square,") he read aloud; then
added: "That ain't a name; it's a label
on an imported cheese."
Just the same, Brian was Impressed
and was discovered gazing disgustedly at
his buttoned tan lahees at intervals during
the trip.
I.
f iiHJCY were amid the horrific grandeurs
of the Royal Gorge, battling ground
For
ill 55KL
W nmm M niii.,. , ., ' '
Ar l IIU ti
that delight both child
and, grawnirp, NOW
Girhaj(N J ffi
JWEXT
.
of Titans . (according to prospectus),
when an impertinent intrusion appeared
in the person of G. Hunter McCosh.
Sight-seeing passengers were assembled
in the observation car, huddled around
each window, to let no marvel pass.
"Just look at that!" said a resonant
voice at their shoulders. "Just look at
that!"
"Jaggy rocks fit for some race of demi
johns I gocha," said Brian, apprecia
tively. "You may sing, young man," contin
ued the eloquent stranger, "of the terrors
of the boundless deep or the wonders of
the tropic night but look at those rocks.
By ginger, ain't they great?"
"In the real estate business?" inquired
Brian, affably. f
"Well, no not exactly."
"I thought by the way you went at us,"
continued the Little Booster, "that you
were trying1 to sell us the Rocky moun
tains on the easy payment plan.'
"Ah, youth!" rhapsodized the big one.
"Youth will have Its quip at the wisdom
of age. .Youth and love. I see you're a
bridal couple. I hope, madam," turning
a ravishing smile upon Betsy, "that you
can spare your husband a moment."
Turning to Brian with a suspiciously glib
motion of the thumb and forefinger.
'Flay cards, sir?"
"Not with you," announced Brian,
. looking the other coolly between the
eyes.
"I trust I'm not makings nuisance of
myself "
"Not yet," replied Brian, turning for
the first time in the direction of the
scenery.
rpHE farther they rushed eastward, the
more earnestly Brian hated his shoes
as a recognized badge of Hickdom. He
did not look up Mr. McCosh in Car 3,
but that thoughtful gentleman made oc
casion to sit down next to Brian in the
buffet when the latter was enjoying a
solitary cigarette. They were approach
ing Chicago at the time, and McCosh sat
paring his broad fingernails with a pearl
handled knife.
"Try one of my pert ectos," he said
Goodness Safce
99
that's the one hiz reason wiry
TRU-BUX GBAHAMS are de
manded by jail relishing the
Great American Cracker!
Tbey have the FLAVOR, the
CBISPNESS, the GOODNESS
SUNDAY "AH, MOON OF MY. DEUGHT" BY ALICE ' GARLAND
suddenly, offering an ostentatious roll of
tinfoil. f
"Thanks; I never smoke" responded
Brian, taking a fresh cigarette from his
box. ..s j
"Say, you're a cagey kid, all right,"
laughed the big one, changing from the
grandiloquent to the vernacular. His
eyes- slanted and his weather-beaten
mouth came down at one corner. "What's
your line?" j
"I'n a fly-catcher." j
"Haw-haw! You're a smart kid, any
how. Now, look here. As an enterprise
young business man from the West,
Iauncbin' out on life's voyage with a fair
young helpmeet, and awaltin' alert and
Joyous to bear the welcome knock of Op
portunity at your door Opportunity, the
goddess who knocks but once you are
unspoiled, you are ambitious, too smart
let the golden moment pass unheeded.
Ever thought of investin' in mining
stocks?"
"Show me," said Brian in a level tone.
"As you see by nay card" he extended
a Bquare of pasteboard "I. am General
Director of the Goodfellow and Surprise
Gold Lode Company, Incorporated."
'Phew! Is it as bad as that?" .
Mr. McCosh's fat fingers deftly un
folded a bale of handsomely printed pa
pers engraved in rich orange, the seal of
Nevada at the head, an intricate, wavy
border down the margins. He laid a
compellingpalm on Brian's knee.
"In six months from now they'll pay
you twenty-five cents on the dollar
twen-ty-five per cent!"
"Honest," said Brian, carefully fold
ing the stocks and handing them back;
'You're the coarsest Wailingford make
up I've struck yet."
"How's .that?" spluttered the big. one.
"Excuse me, while I 'take a good look
at you. I thought they had all the old
style con men stuffed and under glass by
this time. And to think of one of you
whiskered dodos trying to panhandle me
me with a line o minin stock fluff
that was passed up by Adam and Eve.
The" face of the honest Mr. McCosh
suddenly settled Into tragic lines.
"If Td 'a' known you was one of us,"
he began, sadly. He made the sign of
Three Walnuts between his thumb and
fingers. "If I'd known you was in our
line o goods, I'd never come that con on
you. But, since you mention St. Jo, I'll
put you wise to something. The Middle
West circuit's worked dry. I had to bor
row from the constable to get out of Em
poria, and in Keokuk I was blackmailed
poor by a Rube I tried the badger game
on." .
So you're advanein' on New York."
"That's the stuff! The only town in
America where you can catch the hick
off his nest with the golden eggs exposed.
I got a cousin doin well there on the old
glass-ring game."
JT IS the conventional thing for the
newcomer in New York to pause Alad-lin-like,
mind whirling, eyes blinking- at
the magic works of these djinns who have
bewitched mankind. Shall he fly first to
the Metropolitan Museum or shall it be
the Metropolitan Tower ? Shall he climb
the Statue of Liberty or descend into the
Subway? But Brian Buro Blaney, his
feet set on Manhattan, was tortured by
no such doubts. He called a tgT at the
Grand Central station, and, after tucking
his baggage and his Betsy safely inside,
called commandlngly to' the chauffeur:
"Beat it for the first shoe store on Fifth
avenue.
They drew up before a plate glass winl
dow with .masculine footwear discreetly
displayed. .'
"Nope," he announced to the smiling
clerk, I dont want anything- similar to
what I got on. Gimme something' like
Vince Astor kicks around in."
They sold him' a pair with tapering
toes, flat soles, and unostentatious eye
lets. They cost him $18.
kTTEXL lunch. Brian complained, of his
f: new shoes pinching:: but he bravely
kept his footing-; within their resisting
- soles, and plunged still farther into the
knit of conventionality by changing to
a suit of
quiet gray and an inoffensive
necktie. '
"Geing far?" inquired
Betsy sleepily
from her couch.
"To 13 Washington Square," he said.
"I'm going to present 0'Malleys letter to
Dyckman Wynkoop to see if he's cheese
or human. Want to come along?"
"No, you little old big foolish; I'm not
being introduced.
"Did you find him?" asked Betsy, who
was waiting, with the patience of an ex
perienced wife, to be hooked up in the
back.
"Who? Dyckle Chickencoop? Nope.
Say, Dyckle Uvea in a boy's size brick
palace with a white door, and a brass
knocker. When I banged the knob, out
shoots a Woodrow Wilson effect in but
lers. 'Not to hum!' he says. When I
called him Chaxley, he snatched my card
away from me and slammed the door so
quick he, 'most pinched off my nose."
"Sugar Boy, he probably saw you were
a "
. "Hick? Yea Bpt how did he know?
So Xr hired an open; taxi and sailed forth
to discover N Yorlc."
"What did you see?"
"Saw the Woolworth building, a Jew
cop aires tin" a drunken Armenian, the
Brooklyn bridge, a fight, a Wall street
panic, the Pennsylvania station, and Leon
Errol tryin' to light a cigar on a windy
corner.
rjTHEY dined Deneath golden cornices,
beside roseate tapestries, eating, from
precious plate and! draining goblets of
brilliant crystal.
"Don't make any quick moves," Brian
cautioned his wife, "because every' time
you do it starts a waiter this way, and
that costs you $5 extra."
The bill was $19.
"Score three!" warbled Brian, keeping
imaginary tab on his cuff. He led Betsy
rather hastily toward the foyer. It was
getting on toward 10 o'clock, and round
the corner, glaring amid the infernal glo
ries of jumping gigantic electric' images,
stood the Cabaret de l'Obsterre, home of
jazz.
"Let's twirl!" came Brian's enthus
iastic voice in Betsy's ear, for the band
had now struck up "We'll row, row, row,"
and many couples took the floor, every
Jack to his Jill, every Bacchus to his
Bacchante. By way of divertisement, a
Princeton gladiator had arisen from a
tableful of college boys, and was inviting
the head waiter to put him out.
"Let's go!" pleaded Betsy, seizing
Brian's arm.
"Stick around, kid," Brian urged.
"We needn't be afraid of this dansong
stuff. All New York's doln' it."
"I bet half the men here are traveling
salesmen from Dululh. Don't be a
hick!" This was Betsy's quelling word.
"Speaking of hicks, whispered her
' husband, nudging her sharply, "look
what's just come inj"
"Who is he?"
"A Rube I saw give his seat to a lady
in the stfbway. He's hopeless!" For,
even at the word, the newcomer who
wore buttoned tan shoes was ordering
a Manhattan Volstead hyphenated cock
tail, i
"He must be the King of the Hicko
ries," muttered Brian, becoming more
and more concerned; "Ain't it pitiful!"
The object of Brian's commiseration
called to him the head waiter and, in the
presence of the whole room, handed him
a $5 bill. Then he lit a cigar and kept
the band on. i
"He's got every one of CMalley's "How
to Tell a Hick marks, except he dont
shave his neck. Probably he's waitin
for the barber shop to open in the morn
ing." . !
Down the aisle came a florid, fmnisr
face. The head waiter pulled out a chair
next the unprotected stray. And the per
son who occupied the seat, presenting a
cordial-palm to the' helpless hick, was
none other than G. Hunter McCosh,1 the
' superannuated bunco man of the D. &
R. G.. i
Brian quickly forgot the charms of
tango' in the study of bunco as the elderly
rascal laid his fat palm caressingly over
" the hand of the younger man. who was
neat and rather small, with oyster-colored
eyes and a sallow mustache.
"No. my boy; you can't afford to miss
this," began McCosh. in the tone of thick
gravy. "Take an old man's advice
and " The rest was lost in the mu
sical racket.
"If we could only find a place to talk
more quietly "
-It is kinds noisy here," McCosh ad
mitted. "Supposing you and me go over
to Gothamia grill . . the details of
this splendid proposition."
"Come on!" breathed Brian in Betsy's
ear.
"Where?"
To Gothamia grill !"
6TRETTT work!" murmured Brian, as
they sat at a table far out of ear
, shot but well within view. The hyp
notist was evidently Imbuing his subject
with enthusiasm, confidence, honest con
viction, for the fat hands of Mr. McCosh
were working busily in circles more com
plicated than any Futurist dream. And
the dupe looked up with the expression
of a tired child who hears a new fairy
story and loves to believe it true.
The two figures at the distant table
leaned back. Something was settled.
The elder man brought forth a packet of
papers folded lengthwise.
"McCosh was right," Said Brian. -You
can make the man from Keokuk do
stunts in N York' he's never dreamt of
in his home town." ,
"Maybe it's not so bad as you think,"
suggested Betsy.
"Didn't you see the orange-colored en
gravings on the paper? That's Good
fellow and Surprise bunk he's sellin' the
hick and look! Rube's pullin' his check
book!"
Sure enough, the lamb was already -reaching
for McCosh's fountain pen.
There was a moment of Intense scrib
bling, during which McCosh b(t a black
cigar and forgot to light it. Finally a
pink leaf from the check book fluttered
in his palm, and he handled It like a rare
orchid. An instant later McCosh was
seen to rise rather feverishly, button his
coat over the new-made check, and stride
forth into the unknown. Brian Jumped
from his chair.
'You're not going to"
"You bet I am! As a stranger in
town. I ain't a-goin' to sit here and see
my helpless brother skun bright red on
Broadway."
rjpHE young man sat reading an orange
printed sheet of Goodfellow and Sur
prise raptuously, even as the Moslem
scans the Koran, wnen Brian accosted
him.
"Excuse me!" said the Little Booster.
"I don't know what part of the Woolly
West you come from, but you'll take
back less wool than you brought with
you."
"Meaning?" Inquired the youth, ad
justing his eyeglasses.
"Do you know who that bunk Is who
Just "
"That "bunk. as you roughly term
him," said the young man in a modulated
"You, too,
can have "A skin you
love to touch"
A BXaUTUUL akin, toft, smooth, fauldesslj
cler-any girl can hare this charm.
For your akin is constantly changing each
day old skin diet and new takes its place.
Gire Jthis new dan the right treatment, and see
how toft and lovely you can keep it, '
For a tensitire akin use this special treatment:
DlP a soft washcloth in warm water and
hold it to your face. Now make a warm
water lather of Woodbury'. Facial Soap and
dip your cloth np and down in it until the
doth it "fluffy" with the toft white lather.
Rnb this lathered doth gently oyer your
skin; until the poret are thoroughly
deanaed. Rinse first with warm, then with
dear, cool water and dry carefully.
GlT a cake of oodbury today, and begin
this treatment tonight. A 25-cent cake lasts a
month or six weeks. The Andrew Jergena Co
CaTtdTrnat!t NnrYork and Perth, Oritsrin.
barytone.- "is Mr. Hotchklss. well known
in the Goodfellow and "
"His name was McCosh when I met
hlm.r Now. listen" to mother. There ain't
any time to feed the chickens. I'm tell
ing you. You've Just fallen for a man
who's a professional walnut-pusher, a
dot-and-carry card-holder, a life member
of the Gold Brick Layers unionr in plain
CalifDrnian. a bunko man. Because you
left your brains the other side of the
Ohio river. III wise you. Yoii've been
bilked, trimmed " j
"But he came to New York with the
highest references."
"Splash! I've a good mind to touch
you for a thousand myself. How much
was In that check you Just sUtied?"
"Forty-five hundred and fifty."
"Get your bank the first thing in the
morning and stop it." -
"Lord!" groaned the callow ne. "It's
on the Night and Day bank!" ;
Telephone hot foot, kld!"
The sedate grillroom was enlivened by
the sight of a red-headed enthusiast
dragging a dazzled youth sf ross two
chairs toward the telephone booth. A
few minutes later Betsy, to her relief, be
held her husband returning calmly witti
the new-found hick.
"Now, Marcus," Brian was saying,
"we've got to kite it over to the Night
and Day and Identify you. Friend wife
and Fll tag along to see that the rest of
your wad don't Jump out of the window."
When he emerged from the sleepless
portals of the Night and Day. there were
tears in the hick's pale orbs, suggestive
of sea food.
They fixed it but it hurts me to
think I've been betrayed by a friend, he
sobbed.
That's what they all say." chirped
Brian, brightly. "Now, Mra Bride and
I'll escort you past the bogies to your
hotel."
The' young man gave a number to the
chauffeur.
The taxi stopped before a brick house
with a white door.
"You've pulled me out of an awful
hole, old man." said the hick, as he
stepped out- Td like to see more of
you. Here's my card."
The hick's face stared into the taxi
door, pale and anxious. Brian, as he ac
cepted the card, felt a thrill of remorse.
Perhaps he had been a bit rough in his
language to this outsider, who, after alt
would learn his New York in time. Under
the flickering corner light Brian held the
card, spelling each letter carefully. Then
he pt it in his pocket. - Already the hick
was disappearing up the front stepa
"Say!" said Brian, calling after him.
and again looking at the name on the
card,' "I got' a "letter of introduction to
you."! i
And. as the hick returned, the Little
Booster brought forth 0'MaIleye en
velope addressed to Mr. Dyckman Wyn
koop, 1IY Washington Square.
"I thought X might as well bend it to
you now, seeln' I'm around your wsy."
ranjmMBt vita UclropoUlaa JCrmpaper BcrrW, Xr
Tort) ,
NEXT SUNDAY