THE OREGON SUNDAY JOURNAL, PORTLAND, SUNDAY MORNING, DECEMBER 5,, 1920.
Lip Golf Excellent Practice
K, K . . . K K K
Ring Provides Simple Rules
l) SEE ALSO OUR REGULAR ADVERTISEMENT, PAGE 1. SOCIETY SECTIONl
Double Trading Stamps On All Charge
and Cash Purchases
FILLEli STAMP BOOKS REDEEMED IN CASH AT S. & II.
OFFICE ON THIRD FLQO
. ,- .. ! lf:1
V J half to p
f" A witch' sor
By Ring W. Iardner
To the editor:
L It takes all kind of g-olf players
to make a world in the good old
summer time, but along about this
time of yrj they's
-only 2 classes you
might say, namely
haply marred men
and guys that can
afford to go south.
The 1st. named haa
got a big advan
tage in many ways.
For Inst, they don't
spend from
to a wk. in
them new
Pullmans
witch" Hnm neonle.
Jokeirtfely calls a sleeping car. I
could go on and name a whole lot
of other advantages witch a marred
man has got if they was any.
On ,the other hand the bachelors
goes south in the winter and can
grolf all the yr. around and are right
on their game when the season opens
up north whereas the men with bag
gage has got to begin all over again
every May, and it generally always
takes them till the 1 of Nov. to find
out what is the matter with their
game. - Besides witch the bachelors
either don't have no Job or at lease
they can quit whenever they find out
Its interfering with their regular
business wile -a haply marred man
has got to park hia nose vs. the
grind organ at all seasons of the yr.
and even In the summer time life
with him can't be 1 long round of
38 holes. Like for example take the
case of myself witch I hate to talk
on that subject though many of my
admires is always makeing the crack
that they wished they knowed more
about me personly and they are sick
ana urea 01 naveing me keep my
private life and lnsides to myself
like Mary MacLane or somebody.
Well, anyway, last spring I hadn't
; no more than mastered the nack of
getting off of the 1st. tee in 2 when
1 they was a nation wide clamor for
a good reporter to write up the big
subjects of the day and I had to
spend most .of the summer in the
rough, namely the republican con
vention in-old Chi and the one out
in Ban Francisco where they pulled
the Joke on Cox and last and most
roughest, the races off Sandy Hook
between the 2 stationary wash tubs.
. Dureing the last named ! broke
auu Aittu vl i itt.iyM.ru .removed
f ro.m my boom and was Just comeing
out from the ether when they sent
me to the world serious and I come
down.wit.h Brooklyn.
. - .
The net results was that I didn't
realy start to begin to commence
my golf till the central part of Oct.
and couldn't - make out what ailed
. my game till 2 wks. ago when one
of the boys told me I was sticking
out my tongue when I ewang and
a person couldn't of never fell into
a quaint habit like that if they had
of played winter and summer both,
and it don't seem fair that a man
like I that has got a wife and kid
dies to. support should ought to be
asked to compete on even turns with
some old roue that don't take hia
goif shoes orf from 1 yrs. end to
another except to look for a lost ball
in a water hazard. .
aiy oroiner marrea men will say
yes but what are we going to do
about it? Well gents I don't know
what you are. going to do' about it,
oui person iy i nave got up a game
witch I have- named lin enlf nnd t
have tried it out with grand success
and wile it don't give a man no phys
ical exercise, why it keeps their
mma on. golf and don't allow them
to forget it dureing the off season
and when they start playing again
.in the eprlng they have at lease got
the language at their tongues and
don't half to waste 7 or 8 wks. mas
tering the verbage all over again
and it can be played in the house j
any time of day or night and in all
kinds of weather.
The rules of lip golf is the foiling
rules: No matter what remarks the
wife makes, the husband's replys is
to be give in golf parlance. That's
all they is to the rules and anybody
can learn it in one- lesson and the
best time to try Jt out is at a meal.
For in st. suppose the kiddies has
been tucked away for the night in
the waste basket .and you and the
wife has sat down to dinner. Your
part of the foiling conversation
.would be what you might call par
lip golf:
Wife What train did you come
out on? , .
Husband I missed the first 2 but
got home on my third.
Wife -This is a fine bouillon cup
Carrie give me; both handles broke.
'Husband Use your spoon.
Wife We caught a mouse this
p.'m.
Husband Did he get into a trap?
Wife No; Carrie killed him with
a .broom.
Husband That's a good Carrie,
jwife I'm going to get rid of her,
though. I'll tell her I've decided to
do
.j
my own work.
Husband A fine He!
Wife Welt, then, I'll say we can't
afford to pay $80.
Husband That's the fair way.
Wife Will you have some more
bread ? "
Husband I cant get rid of this
slice.
WifeNo more potatoes or noth
ing?
Husband How is the greens?
Wife Afl gone; I'm sorry. Did
you have much lunch?
. Husband I had a couple of good
rolls.
Wife We must hire a new chauf
feur. Gus don't never clean the car,
Husband Can't drive, neither.
Wlfe--The garage man says he
can get us a good one.
Husband (pretending he has
cold) Caddy?
Wife -Yes, you better see him.
Husband I hooked one today.
Wife Oh. you did! Who?
Husband Hazzard.
Wife The Bucks' driver? But
thought they paid him $25 a wk.
Husband I topped it.
Wife But we can't afford It.
. Husband Why not?
. Wife You can't always win at
poker. By the way, how much does
the boys owe you from last night?
Husband Spalding 50, Victor ,.75
and the Colonel 31.
Wife I bet Victor didn't dast tell
his wife. She's a terrible loser. You
and her would make a good team
You ought to know her.
Husband Ouimet.
Wife Oh,' that's right. Say, what
do you think of them salad forks
Ma sent ?
Husband Stirling?
wire certainly. They cost $30 a
dozen.
Husband Evans!
Wife I suppose if I am going to
can Carrie l'Should ought to give
her notice. But I'm afraid, she would
get mad and quit before I could find
somebody else.
Husband Locker room.
Wife You must run upstairs and
change your close. We only got 15
minutes.
Husband I'll be down in 7.
. This is a sample of par lip golf
and if the wife knows the game why
so much the better as she can make
it a 2 some. If she don't, why she
will probly think you have went
cuckoo and sew you for a bill of
divorce. In that case you are as
good as a bachelor. But give it
trial any way, Brother, and if your
game is anywheres near like mine
i . .. . , -
nuy ai lease you can t ao it no
harm. Ring W. Lardner.
; Long's Island, Dec. 3.
(Copjtaght. 1920. br th Bell BjndkU, Inc.)
London's Ways Seem Strange
lander Greatly Amused
Port)
By Clyde A. Beats
(Gird A. Brail it a former mcmbr of The
Journal etaff, now in England nnder a trailing
scholarship awarded by, the PulitMr School of
jonrnaliam ot Columbia university.! '
. London does not at Its first meet
ing with visitors put its best foot
forward. Like Englishmen, how
ever. It wears well
on acquaintance.
It always has a
new old side to
show." Just as I
can't get - over
that first start of
surprise When,
after seeing an
Bnglls hman, I
hear him talk, so
a
I can't get over
the feeling of
curiosity when I
see a new sight or custom:
: The bustle of arriving in London- for
the first time,, complicated by arriving
at midnight and thn crowdM rnnrlltinn
of London hotels, might have been exas-1
perating. As It was, however, the ex
citement of chasing luggage through the
customs, and then the doze on the train
from Southampton, left me in a state
1 of good-natured lethargy. I could have
curled up on my trunk in the middle of
Piccadilly Circus and gone to sleep.
An English shipboard acquaintance
undertook to pilot two American women
and me. The first thing to .do was to
locate our trunks. The English system,
or rather, method, feKthere is no sys
tem in handling bagjfige, ia for each
person to look out for his. own. The
trunks are dumped out of the baggage
car in a grand melee on the platform.
The passengers scramble for the porters,
who are extremely accommodating and
. polite. Having collared one, the trav
eler proceeds to pick out some trunk
that looks satisfactory., It is a process
of catch-as-catch-can. I happened to
get in early, and, as I had some things
in my own trunk that I wanted, I chose
It. I couldn't help remarking that if I
ever had to search about like that in
real good rain, England was going
have material for a complete edition
unabridged American slang.
BAIBIfSFATHEB'S "OLD BIIL
The Dorter erot our trunk, nn Vila tvus!
and we followed him out to the check
win, wnere re waited in a long line
tO PUt hiS truck on th fr.Icrh .u,,.,
About six trucks could be put on for
CrCX trlp trucks occupying most
While I waited I noticed that my
truckman's face seemed familiar His
ruddy cheeks, raised eyebrows, wrinkled
iwiBiioau ana wairus mustache were any
....b uui American, ana I was sure
that I had never seen him before. Then
it dawned on m t hni .
- srcvsM unit in
Bruce Bairnsfather'a cartoons. He was
one oi uie originals of "Old Bill" in "Vh
"A"er ',,e;." . rhJT ar ma of these
viu niu a jn ingiana.
The checking done we found the Amer
lean women aeairi unH o . ,
Y. M. C. A. representative at Southamp
ton had passed along the train telling
the passengers of- a hut where efforts
would be made to find hotel accommo-
uauuns. we went to this hut.
It was in the center of the city and
r" a bungalow like the Y. M. C. A.
huts in the American
small office was lighted by a single
umw visitors navlng arrived
and awakened the porter. He was at
the telephone trying to help the party
ahead. He had one of those distorted
Cockney faces that was not beautified
by the candle light. The nose Jutted out
suddenly at the tip, and his lop-sided
mouth hung together at one end and
flopped open and shut at the other.
TELETHON SEEYICE EAPID
"Come on, ere," he was saying in his
wheedling accent. '"Come on, put this
through, will yuh? After 12 o'clock
they just sits there and smokes their
fags. Yuh can't get 'em to hurry.
They're so fast they couldn't catch a
cold. It couldn't catch them. That is,
they're too slow to catch a cold. T.ey
'ave to run after it."
Somehow the lines did get connected,
and he found a hotel that had room?
left. The four of us climbed into the
taxi and went there.
: . !
Ill-Give
Santa
Claus
will appear in Toyland. 4th Floor,
every day from 10 to 12 and 2
to 5. Let the children visit him.
The Standard Store of the Northwest
' A
7 ' . . i
Reliable MerchandiseReliable Methods
5nop
Early!
only 17 more shopping; days
before Christmas. Plan to do
your buying early, in the day.
Useful
Something
The Housewares Store Is Filled With Practical Gif ts at Moderate Prices
. . . . - t
for
the
Ho
me!
The Dinner Ware of the
White House
i jam"- uumm 11
The mo significant tribute that could be
paid to American pattern was bestowed on
the beautiful (
American Lenox
China
in its selection by President and Mrs.
Wilson for the White House j service.
This is the first American-made dinner.
ware officially used by any U. S. President.
We Invite You
to see some duplicate pieces of this beautiful
White House service loaned to us by the
Lenox China Co., on exhibition for a few days
in our fine Chin Section on the Third Floor.
jT hthejortland home , ' ? -
46 Piece Decorated Dinner Sets
Special at $9.98
Third Floor Choice of several attractive patterns. Splendid
quality American Semi-porceiain umnerware in one oi our
best makes. Just what you need for every-day Qf QO
service. 46-Piece Sets now price at only Di70
Other Decorated Sets 46 Pieces at $12.50 and $14.75
99 Piece Dinner Sets
At $44,95
Third Floor Fine Imported China Dinner Sets beautiful gar
land border decorations. 99 pieces to the set.; Cll QC
Priced very special for this sale at only ; DTXeitJ
Hundreds of other Dinner Sets on display in China Dept.
Smokers' Stands
$3.98
Here Is a Sift article
much appreciated by
the man who smokes.
High - grade Colonial
brass pedestal in pleas
ing design. Equipped
with glass ash tray,
brass cigar and match
holder. Spe-QQ QQ
cially priced 0UO
r Complete showing
of Smokers' Sets,
Trays, etc., at the low
est prices. Make your
selections early!
Mahogany Trays
At 50 c
Third Floor Mahogany finish Ash
Trays turned block, with glass ash
holder. A neat, attractive article for
gift giving. Extra good value. CHp
Priced special for Monday only tJlU
f n x
Electric Cleaners
$1.00 Down
$5.00 a Month
Hoover or Sweeper Vac Electric
Cleaners sold on Christmas Club Plan
of $1.00 down and $5.00 a month.
With each purchase we will give
1000 Extra Trading
Stamps
Baby Plates
$1 Each
Third Floor Decorated Baby Plates
with hold-fast wire clamp which holds
plate securely to table or chair. Col
ored picture in center with A A
gold trimmed edges. Special DAeUU
Furniture
Gift Shop
Hundreds of Inexpensive articles
ready for your Christmas selection.
Gifts That
Please
Smoking Stands, Pedestals, Tabour
ettes. Tea Wagons. Book Racks, Trays,
Davenports, Chairs, Rockers, Card
Tables, Sewing Cabinets, Mirrors, Foot
Stools. Ferneries, Umbrella Stands, etc.
Furniture Department, Fourth Floor.
Cedar Chests
Reduced
Choose any Cedar Chest in stock at
a substantial saving. Large assortment
of styles and sizes on display in the
Drapery Department on Third Floor.
And This Is Portland's Greatest Showingof
Electric Lamps
In selecting the home gift don't overlook n Electric
Lamp.- Here you may choose from an immense showing of
the newest designs and finishes at popular prices.. Double
Stamps on alt charge and cash purchases. Dept Third Floor.
Floor Lamps $12.50
Mahogany finish Floor Lamps with two elec- fl O A
trie lights. Full size pedestal (Shade extra.) tDJ.UU
Polychrome finish Floor Lamps (without shades) $14.50
SILK SHADES for Floor Lamps, assorted colors, $12150
Boudoir Lamps
At $7.48
Third Floor Colonial brushed brass
finish Boudoir Lamps with beautiful
silk shades in appropriate (Pry JO
colors. Exjra special values D ' 'xO
Many other styles in Boudoir Lamps,
also adjustable Desk Lamps included.
Jit" .iiji.
Lamp Department
Third Floor
Candle Sticks
$1 Each I
Third Floor Candle Sticks in the
beautiful polychrome finish.' Very
desirable for gift giving. Many dainty
tints and color combina- AA
tions. Priced special each OJ-elv
Crumb Sets !
At $1.00
Lacquered Wood Crumb sets in
fancy shape. Finished in black ! or
red. Priced special a pair at $1.00
Other Sets priced the pair $1.69
I
I,
New Art Metal
Lamps
Third Floor Art Metal Table Lamps
in many styles and finishes on sale
at lowest prices. Double -Stamps.
Old Ivory finish Table Lapms $10
Verde and green Table Lamps $15
Old gold, dark gold Lamps $17.50
Mahogany Finish
Table Lamps
These are shown In one of the
most attractive styles. Rich mahog-
iny finish. Complete withejl C A A
silk shade. Special each DXeJUU
Christmas Sale of High-Grade Rugs
Rug Department, Third Floor . - t
$22.56 High grade Wilton Rugs, size 27x54 inches, special each $16.45
120.00 High grade Wilton Rugs, size 27x54 inches, special each $13.50
$16.00 High grade Wilton Rugs, size 27x54 inches, special each $12.00
S6.00 Axminster Rugs, &A AO I 137.50 WiltOn Rugs, QO fA
size 27x54 inches, special t!rVO size 4x7 feet, special at OtJAetJU
18.50 Axminster Rugs, Aff
size 36x72 inches, special DDell
162.50 .Wilton Rags, QflQ ETA
size 4x7 feet special at IVO.OU
$85.00 Finest grade i Wilton Pugs, size 6x9 feet, priced special $67.50
MANY OTHER RUGS REDUCED
Make This An Electrical
I Christmas
Third Floor Here are a few sugges
tions from the Electric Department:
Electric Coffee Percolators, many
styles, $13.50. $13, $17 and up.
Electric Grills at $14 and $17
Electric Toasters $8.50, $9.75
Electric Stoves
! At$&98
fi
Third Floor' Electric Toaster and
Stove like above sketch. Made of
steel .with polished nickel finish.
Toasts, boils, fries, etc. A regular
$5.00 article. Priced for (PQ QQ
at
Christmas Sale special
ElectricToasters
At $3.98
Third Floor Electric Toaster in up
right style. St4el toast holder with
black enamel knobs. Toasts two
slices of bread at a time. PQ QQ
$6.00 value, priced specUlDO0
Toaster Stoves $3.98 nd $8.50
Electric Ovenettes priced $8.50
Waffle Irons priced at only $20
Electric Curllnj Irons $7.50. $8
Grill and Wattle Irons $17.50
Disc Stoves priced $7.50 and $9
Electric Heaters
$12 and $15
Famous Hotpoint"
Electric Heaters
similar to illustra
tion. Can be ope
rated from any ordi
nary lamp socket.
Instantaneous heat,
when and where
you want it. Makes
a splendid gift.
VISIT the Electrical Department
on the Third Floor snd see our
great showing of gift articles.
Double Stamps with all purchases.
Electric Irons
$5.50
Electric Irons with nickel plated
hood and base and nickel plated
spring cord atached. (?r FA
Regular $7 value, special DO0J
Sale of Libbey Cut Glass?
Choice $5.95
Third Floor -celebrated LibbeytCut Glass in a special Christmas sale.
Beautiful deep cutting, highly polished, brilliant and sparkling. It is
doubtful if you could select anything that would be more appreciated than'
a piece of Libbey Cut Glass. Choice of Sugar and Creamer Sets (PfT Apr
or 8-inch Berry Bowls. Exquisite Christmas gifts at special of toDmVD
Silver Plated Ware $5.00
Third Floor
Silver plated Castor Sets, Bon Bon Dishes,
Sandwich Trays. Bread Trays. Cake Baskets,
Casseroles, Flower Baskets, Candy Jars,
Vases, Cheese Dishes, Pie Dishes, Gravy
Boats with stands, Sugar and Creamer Sets
and many other articles suitable for dr A A
gifts. See these attractive pieces. DtlUU
War Tax not Included In above prices.
Gift Sale of Blankets
Redding Department, Third Floor ,
$7.5o Gray Blankets, 75 per cent
pure wool. Size 56x76 Inches;
weight 4 founds. Prictd Qyl PA
specially low the pair at 04rJU
$8.50 White Mixed Wool Blan
kets, sizes 66x80 inches. &A AF
Specially priced at,, pair HrxtVO
$7.50 Gray and Plaid Woolnap
Blankets, size 72x80 ins. 3C
Specially priced the pair )000
$9.50 and $t0 White flQ QK
Wool Single 'Blankets at tDO.Ot)
111.00 Mixed Gray flQ OA
Wool Blankets, special at
16.00 Gray Wool only $11.95
$18.50 All Wool White $13.75
$19.50 Plaid Wool only $16.60
$20.00 Gray Wool only $16.95
$23.50 Plaid Wool only $18.00
Double Stamps on all purchases.
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