THE OREGON SUNDAY JOURNAL, PORTLAND, SUNDAY MORNING, APRIL V 18, 1915.
On the Sunny Side of Life
The Kaiser' Laughed
AMONG tne officers .who resemble the
Kaiser Wilhelm II is a young captain
' who was a prodigious talent for imi
tation, j ;.
Some months before the war this cap
tain found himself in a hall of the imperial
palace at Potsdam. He was there with
others of his friends who were . of ficers,
and began an imitation of the Kaiser with
extraordinary precision in tone, quality of
voice, gesture and appearance. All atonee
there was a terible silence. Wilhelm II
had arrived in the hall. S The of ficers sa
luted respectfully and remained motionless.
"Very well, go on!" said the Kaiser, ad
dressing the captain. "I; did not know you
had this talent." K ..
The officer hesitated a moment, then
extending his arm and reproducing the in
tonation of his sovereign, he cried in a
strong voice:
"Captain, you should be chased out of
the army, but in consideration of your
youth and because I know you to be a
worthy and brave soldier, I pardon you."
The Kaiser laughed, and the captain was
not punished. j
Just the Man
A strong man; doing (wo shows a day,
was a recent passenger on a tram
-'from Kansas City to Omaha, and had
occasion to go into the day coach. There
he was accosted by a tall man with side
whiskers, who said: t
"Excuse me, but ain't you the strong
man?" ,
"Some say I am," -was the good-natured
response. i . .
"You can lift three tons m harness?
"That's my record." i ...
"You can hold two hundredweight at
arm's length?" j
"Yes." i
"And put up 300 pounds jvith one hand?"
"Yes.
"And 600 with two?" I
"I can."
"In thaf case, will you kindly undertake
to raise this car window for me?"
Tough for a Client
THE judge was a kindTy old fellow, and
the young barrister J was nervous.
"My unfortunate client" he began,
in a quaking voice and a dry throat, then
stopped. ; .
Fumbling among his papers with a trem
bling hand, he began again.
"My unfortunate client" But his throat
dried up.
Desperately mopping his brow with a
handkerchief, he made ; another attempt.
"My unfortunate client " But it was
no good.
The judge, smiling down at him in a
kindly way, said:
"You may proceed with your statement,
Mr. Blank. The court, p far, is in entire
agreement with you."
On the Water Wagon
THEY were-gazing out of the window
of the Pullman car. The thin man
was rapturously admiring the sunset.
"Ah, Nature is a real artist," exclaimed
the thin man, addressing the fat man who
sat in the opposite seat. "Have you never
gazed at her wonders? Have you never
watched the lambent flame of dawn life
leaping across the dome of the world?
Have you never watched the red-stained
islets floating in lakes of fire? Have you
never been drawn by the ragged, raven's
wing sky phantoms as they blotted out
the pale moon? Have you never felt the
amazement of these things?"-
"Not since I swore off," replied the fat
man, as he prepared to hunt another seat.
Rough on His Lordship
THE verger of the little old country
church was showing a party of visi
tors round.
He pointed out the place where Crom
well's cannon balls would have hit the
church, only it wasn't built then, and all
the usual sights of the place.
Then they ascended to the belfry.
There the verger drew a long breath
and .the visitors crowded around eagerly.
Evidently, they were to see the sight of
sights. .
"Now, this 'ere bell," said the verger
proudly; "a bit remarkable this bell is. It
is only rung on the occasion of a visit
from the Lord Bishop. a fire, a flood or
any other such calamityl"
Where WUl He Go?
TnON'T you want to go to the better
II world, Tommy?" asked a Boston
Sunday school teacher of the new
scholar. I
"No, mum," promptly replied the frank
little fellow. -
"And why not, Tommy?"
"Oh, when I die I want to go where a
fellow can rest."
"Well, my boy, you can rest there."
"But in that song we sang it said we'd
all shine there. I get enough of that here
I'm a shoeblack, mum."
The Right Place
ffTEALLY, Kate," jsaid the country
wC cousin, in considerable agitation,
, "I am very sdrry I lost my head
arid kissed you. I didn't think what I was
doing. It is a sort of temporary insanity
in our family." '
"Well,Roy," replied the young woman,
"if you ever feel any more such attacks
coming on, you had better come right here
where your infirmity js known, and we will
take care of you." j
A Good Sign
rwas several days after arriving home
from the front that the soldier with
the two broken ribs was sitting up and
smoking a cigar when the doctor came in.
"Well, how are you feeling now?" asked
the-latter. , t 71
""I've had a stitch in! my side all day,
replied the wounded soldier, t
"That's all right," said the doctor. "It
shows that the bones are knitting."
Not Up to Date
A DOCTOR of the last generation was
; noted for his" brusque manner and
t old-fashioned methods. . One time a
lady called him in to treat her baby, who
i was slightly ailing. The doctor prescribed
castor oil. j
"But, doctor," protested the young moth
er, "castor oil is such an old-fashioned
remedy." . t- "
"Madam," replied the doctor, "babies are
old-fashioned things." j i
On Going to Concerts
JOSEF' HOFMANN has a story . which
illustrates the attitude of many people
toward recitals of piano music
An eminent pianist was to give a (con
cert (but Hofmann does not relate that it
was his own) and as the 'audience was
filing in the ticket-taker stopped a man
who presented two tickets.!:
"You can't go in,", asserted the official.
"You are not in fit condition." ;
"Didn't I pay for my tickets?" ques
tioned the would-be auditor. : "Aren't they
in ocder?" -
"They're perfectly in order," was the
reply,,"but the truth is, you're drunk.""
"Drunk? Drupk?" mused the other, sol
emnly; and placing the .passports in his
pocket. "OF course I am drunk. If I
weren't drunk, would I come to a piano
recital?" ; y t.
No Precedent
MRS. LEWIS made it 'a practice every
night just before bedtime to read
some verses from the Bible to her
little ones. Among those verses which she
particularly endeavored to impress on .their
young minds was, "Whosoever smiteth
thee on thy right cheek, turn to him the
other also."
The following morning Jack came into
the house sobbing bitterly.
"Why, whaf s the matter?" anxiously
queried the mother.
"Sister hit me' J'
"Have you forgotten about turning the
other cheek?"
"N-n-no, boo-hool" wailed Jack, "but I
couldn't. She hit me in the middle."
Hard Lines
THE preacher was a young man and
nervous but interesting. He was
making an eloquent plea for the
home-life, and was descanting eloquently
on the evils of the club, telling his con
gregation that married men in particular
should spend their evenings at home
with their wives and children. "Think,
my hearers," said he, "of a poor, neglect
ed wife, all alone in the great , dreary
house, rocking the cradle of her sleeping
babe with one foot and wiping away the
tears with the other 1"
L' J I A I K t II M l
I -XT '1.M -itrv tv .-,
.r rcjLtu
L REcAISnd NEAR WUS?
Random Facts and Fancies
Routing Boredom
ALL. manner of persons-having persist
ent notions about lone thing and an
other drift about the Capitol of the
v United States, and many of these drop in
) frequently at the outer office of the speak
er of the house. Wallace Bassford. secre
tary to Speaker Clark, - is a' reasonably
calm, well-poised young man, but the other
day it occurred to him that, he suffered
more than- his share of - association with
various types of bores. As he sat reflect
ing over the number of human nuisances
who were regular visitors at his office, he
picked up his pencil and began to jot down
the names of the most pestiferous. . , r
. As he was putting these names On paper
the door opened and there entered a nui-
(Copjrixfct, 1915.; bj Fred C. Kelly.)
tween Fox and another nice chap on the
subject of executive usurpation of power.
"Yes," repeated Burton, as he brushed
. the dust off the giddy volume, "this will be
of the greatest interest and very instruc
tive." And ' nobody who saw the sly little
twinkle about the senator's eye would
have questioned that he has a certain
sense of humor. .
He Had Resigned
A YOUNG man down in South Carolina
v pestered Congressman James Byrnes
of that, state for several weeks to
get him a nice little government job. After
a time Byrnes wrote him that he was un
able to find any roll top desk jobs such as
-' v SEStT 'ifW, IWITWAHTTD 1 V
. lIPirLL, INCREASE. MY UST OF J I V '
TES"r SL ' 1
sance of the third magnitude whom Bass
ford had forgot all about and overlooked
when making out his roster of bores.
Prior to that-time Bassford had always
been polite and affable to the visitor, but
his mood was such at that moment that
the caller was the final straw.
."Say!" began Bassford, sternly, "I've
just this second finished writing down the
names of the 10 worst pests that come to
this office- I'll be doggoned if I'm going
to allow the list to grow to 11. So get
out of here!"
Her Sarcasm
ALICE was very enthusiastic regarding
the new minister, and young Winston
was inclined to be rather jealous.
"Oh, he's superbly eloquent," cried Alice.
"He can move his hearers to tears
"Well, that is but a paltry accomplish
ment, Alice," replied the young man, sar
castically. "I would scorn proficiency in
an art in which every sneeze is my equal
and every peeled onion is my superior."
Both Halves
f $T GIVE my wife half my salary every
I week to spend on the housekeeping
and herself.".
"And what do you do with the -other
half of your salary?"
"Oh, my wife borrows that".
Burton's Little Joke
BECAUSE he has a solemn face, learn
edly seamed, Senator Burton is com
monly supposed to! have no sense of
humor. This is entirely erroneous. Bur
ton has a way of extracting humor out of
a situation. It is a dry kind of humor, but
Uuimor nevertheless. For example, when
he was getting together the material for
his all-night speech against the ship pur
chase bill a while ago, Burton had on hand
enough documents from the congressional
library to. have looked up a speech lasting
a fortnight. While at his office engaged
in sorting out this mass of material. Bur
ton picked up a book that looked older and
duller and carried finer! print than any of
the others. j
"Ah," said the senator, turning to a
friend who was waiting on him, "here is
something that will be "of interest. Yes,
here is a matter that will attract attention.
It will be instructive. Everybody should
know about it."
The book that had so delighted Burton
was an account of "a debate in the house
of commons in 1740, or thereabouts, be-
the young man's commanding abilities and
sterling character should entitle him to,
but that he might be able to get him
something in the forest service a posi
tion, as Byrnes explained, that would take
him out into God's great outdoors. ,
The applicant hastened to Washington
to qualify and was employed at $5 a day
as assistant chain-bearer of a surveying
party setting out for the West Virginia
hills.
He started on his new job in high spir
its, but when it came to riding a horse up
into the most forlorn hills he had ever
seen, , he began to lose interest. At first
he and his chief engaged in desultory con
versation, but after riding along for a
few miles our hero said less and less, until
finally he lapsed into complete silence.
They came to a fork in the road. "Right
here is where you are to. camp," the chief
told him. "I'll show you how to -pitch
your tent, then meet you here tomorrow."
"Naw, you're mistaken," said the young
man. "I'm not a-going to camp here."
"You'll obey orders, won't you?L in
quired the chief.
"You don't seem to understand," replied
the young man. "I have resigned my job.
I may not have said anything about it at
the time, but I resigned seven miles down
the road."
Pitney's Study
ASSOCIATE JUSTICE PITNEY is the
only member of the supreme court
who has an office in the capitoL All
the other justices have their studies right
at home, the same as a preacher. Justice
Pitney says he doesn't feel as if he is
working for a living unless he leaves home
right after breakfast.
Ways in Iceland . j
GAN you imagine an island containing
72,000 civilized human beings where
only two police officers are to be
found or needed, but one hospital, no poor
house or orphan asylum, and only an
empty prison? h
And no begging, no "town poor," no
homeless people? j
Well, 'such a '"country" exists, 60 we
were told by one who was born and bred .
there, and who makes yearly pilgrimages
to her old home. ' i
This land is Iceland. . : -' j
To most of us it is a mere name,
learned in geography in childhood, and
suggestive of bitter cold and desolation.
Instead, it proves to be a. land milder '
than New. England in winter, because
warmed by the Gulf stream, and one of '
the wonders of the world from a moral
and peaceful and industrious standpoint. J
There" are no wealthy people in Iceland,
but all are aristocrats, so f as . ancient
pedigrees count in aristocracy, and that is
aristocratcy's one claim to worth. j ,
In the year 874 (eight hundred and seventy-four,
mind youl) a - colection of
"kings," each of a little kingdom. of, his
own, rebelled against the tyranny of an
other king who wanted to "boss" them
all and emigrated' from Norway to Ice
land. .
Every one of the 72,000 inhabitants of
Iceland today can trace his ancestry di
rectly back to one of these kings.
Of course, every king or queen in the
world today is no more "royal" of blood
than are all these Icelanders, for each one
originally descended from some such petty :
chieftain who called himself a "king" in ;
those early days. f
Poverty and hard work became the lot
of those chieftains and their families in
Iceland, but they bore it proudly and
taught their children to be noble and up
right and dignified in their conduct, as a
proof of their lineage. I -
Today the people of Iceland are all
poor, but there are no paupers, no depend
ents; all are self-supporting. I There is
little or no crime there. j
The only murder committed since the
memory of the informant a woman of
mature years was some 47 years ago by
an insane man. j
He, too, was a solitary figure, as there
are no insane people as a class in Iceland,
and no necessity exists for a retreat- The
prison is rarely occupied, except when
drunken sailors come ashore from foreign
ships and introduce disorder. f
There is no orphan asylum or home' for
the aged. When any child is orphaned
some mother takes it to her own home
and hearth and heart and raises it as her
own. . . -. ' . . j
When aged persons are bereft of their
natural protectors, the same humane law
exists, and they are sheltered and cared
for while they live by sympathetic friends
and neighbors. . j
The only "moneyed class" consists- of
the salaried officers from Denmark, who
direct affairs of state.- ' I
Sheep raising, weaving, spinning, knit
ting, hay raising and fishing form the oc--
As the Cartoonists Record Their Impressions of Current Events
BUT SEE, I'M NICKING THE AX!"
-DROPPING THE PILOT" 1915
THE MOVING FINGER
r'" ''W$2z I III v f? ;
Brooklyn Dallj- Eagle ! New Tor Krenlnj Sun. New Tork Tribune
UNCLE SAM "LEAVE IT OPEN.
GAMBLERS OR IT MAY; BECOME TOO WARM" GERMANY HOLD 1M, AUS1 HOLD IMf
Chicaf Herald.
cupations of these descendants of ancient
kings. -
. Each man; however poor, is yet self
supporting, and as "royal" as his neighbor
who may oossess a little more.
In the memorv of the oldest inhabitant
mere nave oeen oui iwo aivorces. x nese
necessitated three years' separation from ,
bed and board before legal divorce could
be obtained.
An American woman paid a visit to
Iceland some time ago and wrote of it as
follows:
"An isle of wonder, born of fire and
ice; a land where there are few schools
and no illiterates, no orphan htime or
almshouse, and no houseless head or beg
gar; where the government pays the doc
tors, teachers and preachers; where every
man has an occupation and capital crimes
are unknown."
- The crying need of Iceland today is a
school for girls.. Mothers are the only ed
ucators of their daughters, while a fine
college for men has existed for centuries.
That the women of Iceland are so in
telligent and well informed as they are
speak wonders for these mothers, de
prived of all save the rudiments of educa
tion. -
Bill Nye's Mother
rred C. Kelly, In Harper's Weekly.
DWELLING today in a New York flat
is a woman who reads Maeterlinck
and yet has a sense of humor. '
In fact, she has contributed as much to
the humorous literature of the country as
anyone alive. For she gave the country
"Bill" Nye. She is the mother of "Bill"
Nye, and those who knew both mother'
and son say there is no question about the
source of "Bill" Nye's vein of humor. She
has always had a faculty of seeing a quaint
line of fun in the little everyday things,
and while her humor was never developed
to the high pitch that it was carried by nel
son, it is said to be of the same brand.
Eliza M. Nye is now 87 years of age,
but her appreciation of humor is just as
alert as when Edgar Wilson Nye's geniui
first began to show itself in funny little .
remarks concerning the daily household
chores.
Mrs. Nye follows up modern humor, is
fond of "high-brow" literature, particularly
Ibsen, and keeps pace with current events.
She is an enthusiastic suffragist, though
opposed to the use of the torch or toma
hawk. As an example of her sustained in
terest in life, one may remark that she lias
never ceased to keep a scrapbook in which
she pastes away, among other things,
choiqe gems of literature for future refer
ence. Few persons keep scrapbooks after
they have reached the age of 87,
As for the writings of Bill Nye, Mrs.
Nye thinks her son's humor reached its
high-water mark in his 'Comic History of
the United States" that is, 6he considers
that work the best volume, of his humor.
For a single piece of writing her favorite
is a little article called "The Farmer and
the Tariff."
The humor that Bill Nye's mother eni
joyed most, though, was the offhand kin4
that cropped out from time to time about"
the farm. One of the earlier instances she
remembers was a conversation between
Edgar and his older brother Frank, who
.until recently was a member of congress.
The two boys had been working in the
fields and at noon met at the pump.. Ed
gar looked at Frank as if in surprise and
inquired: "Your name Nye?"
"Yes," replied Frank, with perfect grav
ity in order to lead his brother on.
"That's funny; my name's Nye, too,"
observed Edgar. "Where were you born? "
"In Maine," answered Frank.
"I was born in Maine myself," said Ed
gar. ; "I wouldn't doubt at all if we were
some relation. Got any brothers?"
"Yes. I have two brothers."
"Well, well, this is growing interesting.
I've got two brothers myself. I'll bet if the
thing were all traced out, there would be
some family relationship found. Are your
brothers older or younger than you?'
"I have one brother older and one
younger," replied Frank;
"Oh, well, then we can't be any relation
after all," declared Edgar, with a look of
disaooointment: "my brothers are both
older." .
Spring Days Are Play Days
Continued From Page One. This Section
happiness centers of Portland. The
swings and the chutes and the play
fields are ready for you. Summer, whoj
always is just peeping around tho
corner after spring arrives, is whis
pering that soon the water will be
fine in the wading pools.
And in Washington park you may
have personal acquaintance with doz
ens of funny friends. Didn't know
about them? How strange! There
are deer and buffalo and elk, and
bears and wolves, and pigeons and
eagles, and rabbits and guinea pigs
oh, you'd never, guess all of them.
They even have a big, old lion, who
roars and switches his tail, but he is
just as harmless, as the rest, because
all animals that bite or scratch they
won't allow to play with the children,
but you can look at them.
I said spring belongs to' little folks
and that is so. But there is so much
of spring that little folks can be gen
erous and divide with some of us who
have grown up in body but not in'
heart. We don't want to grow old for ;
the spring time of life is the happiest,
so we plea, Touch us gently, Time'
because we know.
How noiseless falls the foot of Time
That only, treads on flowers.
And also '
When Time who steals " our years
away "
Shall steal our pleasures, too,
The memory of the past will stay,
And half our joys renew.
Spring has a smile for tiny and
great,' for all who live wholesomely
and happily as old Mother Nature
would have us.-