THE OREGON SUNDAY JOURNAL,. PORTLAND, SUNDAY. MORNING, JULY , 19, 1914.
rrrr- mi
Chatter prom
In
Free Tlfoeatas Tickets foir ifcHe JooriTial Readers X
the Stage
Concoctions offered to woo a
smile or two from the
Audience
Vaudeville
e
Jolts and jars pushed over the.
tootnghts at the Marcus
Loew Circuit " '
An unusual opportunity for yourself and
your family and your - friends to enjoy the privi
leges of a local playhouse without cost.
BESS "I hate to go out In this wet
wpather."
Tess "Why do you go?"
Bess "I'm so dry."
Tess "Well, here, take my umbrella,
then you'll have something to show for
a, rainy day." ,
BeB "I don't need an umbrella for
that."
Tens "The manager has Just tried
my voice."
' Bess "What did he call it?"
Teas "He aid he never used such
lahgwige In front 61 a lady,"
Bess "I've Just been to a beauty
parlor to have my hair manicured.
Guess what I am blonde or brunette?"
Tess "It's pretty hard to tell; your
hair is not as light at the ends as It
Is farther In."
Bess "Of course not: the ends "are
going out."
Tess "I wu out In my airship to
day; the roads were terribly cloudy." '
Bess "Wouldn't that Jar your'
Tess "Pay, can that."
Bess "What do you think of my
pearls?"
Tess "I don't see your Gabbles;
where do you wear them?"
Bess "Over on the Jersey side."
Tess "Isn't that a New Jersey you
have on?"
Bess "Now, Elizabeth."
Tess "Why do widowers always
make the best husbands?"
Bess "Because they know what's
coming to them."
Tess "Did you ever see a trained
cow 7"
Bess "Often, they usually play
round railroad crossings'
Tess "Have you made any resolu
tions for the New Year?"
Bess "Yes, I've decided to stop eat
ing candy."
Tess "I've made a better one than
that."
Bess "What's yours?"
Tess "I've decided to stop buying
it."
1
Bess "What did you say when the
manager told you he didn't like your
dance?"'
Tess "Not a word; I knew I hadn't
any kick coming."
Bess "I was out with my steady
last night."
Tess "Yes, I saw you; I didn't
think he was." ,
Bess "What r
Tess "Very steady."
Bess "Well, do you know, we were
held up while going home."
Tess '-'Yes, you would never have
reached there otherwise."
Bess "You've been drinking some
yourself."
Tess "Just a little and . now I'm
going to run along."
Bess "Well, why don't you go?"
Tess "I hate to run without va
c1iascx
JERMON AND WALKER.
Lost Records
In a small town in Queensland,
Australia, an Irishman kept a dinky
saloon where the boys would occa
eloally congregate for a round, or two
of Jollity. There were those among
us cattlemen who Would sometimes be
short of change, and would tell Pat
to charge up the bill. Often" our ac
, counts with him would run for months.
One day two of us went to the sa
loon. Just after having completed a
big" sale, and we thought-we' s square
up ' accounts with the trustful land
lord. Informing Pat of our intention,
he went into a back room as usual
to figure up our standing. In a min
ute he returned moaning pitifully,
wringing his hands and cursing the
fates.
"Me Hdgers Is all et up." he walled.
"Begorra. I hoven't a bit of an ac
count left. The hoody pig has ruined
me. so he has."
Pat could neither read nor write,
and it appeared that he had always
ktpt his records on potatoes by cut.
.mgf certain marks In them for Cer
tain persons and amounts. His, pig
had found his way into the room' and
Trade a sumptuous meal from the pre
cious "records,"
A Family Connection
" A , fashionably dressed man boarded
a crowded car In London with a pet
poodle. A little later an Irian laborer
with pick and shovel entered the' car,
but the only available seat was occu-'
pied by the poodle.
Vat aproached the dog's owner and
Inquired if the dog had paid for the -seat.
- The only response waa glare '
from the man and the removal or the
dog to the floor.' Pat immediately
sat down, and In a short time thought
, . he ! might relieve. the . somewhat
sj rained situation between- himself
and the gentleman by engaging In an
amicable conversation.- -" , "
"Boggln your pardon, sor, he be
gan, "but would you . moind tallln"
me what kind of a dog It is-?": .
"He's a cross between an Irishman
. and a baboon," snapped the man.
t "ure, an it's mighty clad I am
See This Page NEXT SUNDAY for
that you and me Is related," replied
Pat
Dick Jackson, the Whip Expert
Blossoms and Blossoms
"Never ask' a chorine If she-has
w-orn orange blossoms; say, rather,
how often has she .been in Reno."
"Then In your case it was lemon
blossoms?", -
"Sometimes, -and -in other Instances
gin blossoms."
"What was the first part you ever
played T"
"I was the deaf and dumb girl in a
silent drama."
"Do you think the care of children
Interferes with the preservation of
. one's beauty?"
"I can't be annoyed with the com
ing generation. Children are the one
necessity of the poor that-' the rich
ha ve not monopolized! But my - art
.has been good to me. I have four
autos and six dogs, but I can't af
ford a, che-ild." .
" "'-;" ." . Ceremonious. ' ' i - N "
If there is one thing a commercial
traveler dislikes more than another it
is elaborate ceremony; and If the
spirit of his profession is in him' he .
generally finds some way, to let hia
prejudices be known.
One evening a traveling salesman
from Cincinnati happened to sit down
at a hotel ttble in company With half
a dosen state legislators, who talked
Empress
passes into the hands of Marcus Loew, August 1. In anticipation of this trans
fer. THE JOURNAL has arranged with the new management for the following
remarkable of fen
The Sunday Journal Magazine
for next Sunday, July 26, will contain a coupon such as is reproduced on this
page today. '
Today's coupon is No. 3. The coupon for next Sunday will be No. 4.
Coupons No.'s 1 and 2 were published on this page on Sunday, July 5th, and
Sunday, July 12th. . ;
Clip Series of Four Coupons
I To every person presenting four of these coupons-one each from THE JOUR
NAL MAGAZINE of July 5, July 12, July 19 and July 26at THE JOURNAL
office, there will be presented a ticket admitting two persons to MARCUS
LOEWS EMPRESS THEATRE during the weeks of August 3 or August 10.
1 These tickets will entitle the bearer to the best seats in the house at an after
noon or evening performance of MARCUS LOEW'S EMPRESS THEATRE
during the weeks mentioned, Saturdays and Sundays excepted.
,
I The coupons, when filled out and presented at THE JOURNAL office, will
be honored and exchanged for tickets of admission in order of their receipt.
If coupons are forwarded by mail, an addressed stamped envelope must accom
pany them. .
Readers are afforded
ther opportunity of speci
fying the date upon
which they - prefer tick-
ets.
Their wishes in this re
gard will be observed as
closely as possible.
The exchange of tick
ets for coupons will be
strictly on a "firstf come,
first served" basis.
"with excessive formality. It was. "Will
the gentleman from Hardin do this?"
and. "Does the gentleman from Frank
lin want that?" the ordinary form of
direct address being carefully es
chewed. - - s .
T?,or nearly 10 minutes the commer
cial traveler suffered in silence. Then
he turned to the waiter and said in
deep, oratorical tones:
"Will the gentleman from Ethiopia
please pass the butter?' "
The remedy was effectual.' -;
Might Wed a Bachelor ,
A little girl of 6 sat looking
thoughtfully out of the window of her
home the other day. Her; mother
asked the cause of her seriousness.
"Oh." she replied, "I was just think
ing that when I grow up to be a big
lady Tm agoin' to get married and
have three children."
The parent . was - surprised and
. amused.
: "Well, you will be very fortunate,
indeed," she said. '
Then the little girl again lapsed
into thought Finally she said:
"But you can never tell, mother.'
I might marry a bachelor."
What He Left. -J ':MUv
Residing in a little village is a law
yer who la - famous for drawing up
wills, in which branch of business he
has long; enjoyed & monopoly of the
country for miles around.
Loew's
s7"
A few months since a wealthy man
died. There was much speculation as
to the, value of the property, and the
town gossip set about to find out the
facts. He hunted up the lawyer, and
-after a few preliminary remarks about
the deceased, he said rather bluntly:
- "I suppose you made Brown's will?"
"TeB."
"Then you probably know how much
he left - Would you mind telling me?'
"Not at all." the lawyer answered, as
he resumed his writing.- "He left
everything he had." .
Maggie's Lament
Mrs. Cronan heard her little grand
daughter Margaret, crying; as if In
' pain and hastened to the child.
. "Why, dear, - what is the matter?"
inquired Mrs. Cronan. "Did you meet
with an acicdent?"
"N-no, 'grandma!" sobbed '-Margaret
Tt vwtfsn't no accident M-mother
.'did it on purpose."
Deciding Voice
' . In a business men's club in a west-
era town .there sprang up ' two fao-t
tlons. one which criticized the stew
ard because . he did not provide the
members 'with 4 good - meals and pn
which defended him hotly. '
The dispute got fiercer and fiercer.
Half the club wanted to fire the stew
ard at once. The other half said ha
was efficient - ;
Then, without warning, the "atew-
The SUNDAY JOURNAL Magazine Coupon for FREE
TICKETS To MARCUS LOEW'S EMPRESS THEATRE
COUPON NO. 3 (SUNDAY, JULY 19)
Name
Address . , .
Date of Performance Preferred
(Specify Afternoon and Evening)
COUPONS NOS. 1 AND 2 were published on this page July 5 and July 12.
COUPON No. 4 will be published on this page next Sunday.
This series of four coupons is exchangeable at THE JOURNAL office for a ticket
admitting two persons to Marcus Loew's Empress Theatre for any performance, after
noon or evening 'during the weeks of August 3 and August 10, Saturdays and Sundays
excepted.
Coupon Number Four !
ard Mm self decided tlfe momentous
question.
One day at lunch time a member
of the club asked the waiter:
"Where's the steward?"
"He ain't here," replied the waiter.
"He said he was going down the street
to get something good to eat." -
Willies Confession.
Little Willie had been very naughty
so much so, In fact, that after hav
ing reproved him several times, his
mother was at last forced to severely
punish him. ' '..
When his father arrived home in the
evening he at once perceived that Wil
lies' eyes were suspicously red.
"Whafs the matter, sonny?" he
cried.
NDh, nothing," responded Willie, un
easily. '"Come, don't be frightened." said
this father in coaxing tones. "Tell me
"all about it; I want to know."
Willie remained silent for some time,
then he suddenly burst out: '
' "Well, if you must know, I've had a
thundering row with your wife."
To Prevent Seasickness ;
; There 1. a Baltimore divine whw can
administer a rebuke deliberately, but.
on occasion, he sees to it that ' the
point is plain. Once a wealthy mem
ber of his congregation, who is very
close to the minister, spoke of his in
' tentlon to go abroad.
"I have never been -on the ocean,"
said he to the clergyman, "and I would
like to learn of something that would
prevent me from becoming seasick."
"You might -swallow a dime," said
the divine. "You'll never get that up."
Minding the Doctor.
"It isn't strange that Bob HlUIard
should have won the heart and hand of
a girl with three millions, for Bob, de
spite his years, i the handsomest and
jnost elegant creature going."
The speaker, a dramatic critle of
Chicago, smiled and continued:
"The last time- . Bob acted here I
met him - one morning '- promenading.
And he was superb top hat. stick,
black morning coat, spats fitting with
out a wrinkle, and one of those cigar
ette tubes that had Just come out; a
tube" of gold and amber, a foot long,
or possibly 18 Inches. .
"As we "chatted, and as he smoked'
his Egyptian cigarette through this
extraordinary tube, I said to him:.
" Wh y on eart h, " Bob' do you use
such a long cigarette tubeuts that?
"My doctor ha ordered me,' he ra-;
pled,- 'to keep away, from tobacco.' "
'. The First "Thutg. .
- "What would you do wheir first em
ployed to bring an action?" asked an
examiner of a young candidate for the
legal profession. ".
"Ask for a retaining fee, waa the
prompt reply. Ha passed..
Why Not?
TTNDT, Ikey, vt did Abey natna
II his liddle daughter?"
"Oi, Oi, Jakey. dey godt it a
fine name; dey called her Eugenie."
"You sheeney; Oh, vy must dey glff
It away like dot? Better had dey
called her Bijou."
Easy Enough
"That man is making a perfect
monkey of himself."
"And yesterday I saw Consul making
a man of himself."
Surest Thing You Know
"It Is awfully bard to play the piano
while standing on your head."
- "So 1 should imagine hard on the
floor." . Eva Westcott & Co.
All in the Family
"Tou're an awful cook; you can
neither bake, burn nor fry."
"No. father, but I can roast."
"Yes. you get that from your
mother."
Let Him Wade
"Why put that piece of fold on his
breast, daughter"-
"That he may pay hl way across
the River Jordan." r,
"No, no, he has rubber boots, let him
wade. Charles James & Co.
He's Tried Everything Else
"What on earth ar you getting
married for?"
"Ob, I've got to do something for a
living.
Thoughtful Censors
" Did thp censors -say anything at
the rehearsal When they saw your
great kicking r.nii bnckwaid flip?"
"Yes, they told me not to fall so
high." Walker and ill..
Would YcV Believe It?
"What's the- favorite expression of
the hairdrejsRf r?''
"Oh. rats."
They AltDo It
"Why do they always call locomo
tives she?"
"On account of the trains they drag."
I "Oh, You Shades"
"The shades of niKht are falling
fast."
"No wonder. The girls insl'le are
going to bed."
Reason Aplenty
"Why do you say that wnien would
never buy votes?"
"Because they couMn't exchange
them."
Discretion
"Anything else you would like' today,
madam? What would you say to &
piece of cheese?"
"I wouldn't say a word. It might
answer me back."
Too Particular
"Do you wish to be called early, sir"
"I do not. I'll have no liberties
taken with my name."
Mabel DeYoung.
A Thorough Bather
"OK didn't I m-tt you at several
bathing resorts laxt KumrrH-r Coney,
Revere, Atlantic City?"
"Yes, I wash all ov. r.''
Ears for Safety
"Really, fm not .so skinny as I look."
"No, as long as you don't pull in
your ears 1 gufs you - won't fall
through your collar."
Yes, at this Poles '
"Would you like to see women voters
at the ioIls?"
"Yes, it the North and South Poles."
Always
"How does the umpire ever manage;
to keep cool?"'
"Oh, he's always surrounded by thou
sands of moving fans."
i ne inree mubh-itoi.
Too Strenuous
"I understand you were married last
week. Jack."
Ysm. and I had a sreat time, but
I had to arrest a man for throwing
his shoe at me."
-That waa foolish. You know it's
always customary to throw shoes at
the bride and groom."
"Yes, but this was a horseshoe."
Ma iron ti Helna. - '
' - Snappy s the, Word,
"Have you-a snappy announcement
for your act on the program?"
"Sure, we go on as Lea and Perrin, '
the Worcestershire Kids'. Mn a warm
act entitled. "Dressing.'".
-Princeton and YaJa. J