Offlcer "Forward, march! Now, If you bolt or turn to
right or left before I tall you to I'll put tbs lot or you
In the guard house.
"Why, how do you do, Miss Sweet? So glad I met
you! Nlco day, Isn't It?"
Private Hawbuck "I hate to do it, boys, but if wa
top or turn we'll git Jugged."
Offlcer "For goodneaa' sake, Miss Rose, did yon eoe
that awkward squad anywhere around here?"
Elderly Alchemist "Hat At laatl
I drink the elixir of life that I bar
dlseoTered and I ahall become rouse
again!
WOULD BB OBEYED.
STRANGE OCCUEBENCE.
POB FRESH SIMPLICITY.'
WONDER.
. JUT Rastus "Ah done man beet, ma,
but Ah didn't ketch nuffln'I"
Aunt Mandy ''Huh! Den go feteh
Hie dat Blipperl Ah tola you to ketch
omepln' an' yen la GWINB to ketch
omepln' too, Ah bet you!"
TO GET EVEN.
II.
Cecll-Ma. hated rival la winning
Miss Slapdasher away from me. What
revenge can you suggest?"
Algle "Let him marry the girl."
LOGICAL.
Clark "That man's a famous mathe-
B ail -I , ff
r..rh'rn"Tnrt.:i m.M.k. "Come la, my friends, and note the
- w.i.... " successful result of my lone studies.
Cl.rk--N.wt He figured up hi. ga. 'l"lr DU
marAr'a ft 0-1 1 rata mnA ma 44K villi.
the bill."
IT WAS ALL CHARGED.
Several high-school authorities bare proposed that graduating ettraratanee In the matte of dreae 1
bo don a vray with this year. Good idea.
FOND HOPE.
TV.
STAND-OFF.
Mr. McFadden "HI vins! Mary Ana hangln' on thot
planny will drolve me Insane!"
Mrs. McFadden "Ol'll till her to play softly."
Mr. McFadden "Don't! If she plays har-rud thtre's a
chance she'll break th' planny."
SAME THING.
Friends "See here, thia la aoma
lelght-of-band trick. What monkey
business la the old professor trying on,
anyhow t
Visitor "Your friend, the major,
aaya he still loves to hear tba ringing
Cry of 'Charge.' "
The Kunnel "Huh! Yes? He was a
autler endurln' the wah, y'know, an' I
guess he didn't do much cash business,
BUh!"
MUSTN'T GIVE IT AWAY.
Chauffeur "Aw, me poor fellah, I s'pose, now, you
sevah ride In an auto?"
Farmer Scrabble "Naw, but this Is "bout as good.
I'm tlnkerin' it most o" the time."
Chlpson "Pull you out? But, my dear
maaam, now can I unless you atop try
ing to pull me In? Really, you must
let go Defore I can do anything."
THEIR ERROR.
.r ....
SEASONABLE 6CENES--HAVING YOUR HOUSE PAINTED.
Each-"Ugh! If I looked Ilk thai I'd
quit the business!" '.-
IN RETIREMENT.
Slkes "Dls Is angel cake. Shall we
risk takln" It?"
Reddy "In she goes!" (Biff! Bang!)
I uT N . ' lri MWovte ,VV
Policeman "They must be novices to
go an' make a noise like that."
Neighbor "Who's that using such
awful language in your cellar?"
Mra. ficrubbs "That's the rarrot. I
had to put him down thre 'cause he
was upstairs while my husband was
belplng me clean house."
WANTED A HOUSE.
LONG-FELT WANT.
Tom "So she gave you a flat refusal,
h?"
Jim "Yes; aaid she wouldn't live In
one."
Josh "Let's go an' look at the big
buildings."
Hank "Not on yef carpet bag! Why,
say. If we go rubberln' round every
body'U Bee that we're from the coun
try." SO REAL.
The first thing la to take this neg
lected child to soma auttable asylum
and then we'll find the old man. and
teach him a lesson."
. WAlP
Chorus of NelBhbor.-"I-d have had It a shade lighter." "Seems a little glaring doesn't lt 1
In'f A t m mtlflll mm -1 ltnm U' K a . , m-nm ' . ... . S
..... r-J"r'" f iu inr inair" "-mat color vrpn't wear.'! -'Why
didn't yon watt ttll fallf" It look, like rain; so sorrr for yon." Etc., etc., etc.
EXPENSIVE CAMPAIGNING.
Jocko "What did you buy bo many campaign cigar
for?"
Boony (campaign manager) "Hush! a delegation of
alligators is coming this way!
"And each of them smokes a box of cigars at one.'
Oldby "I love to prowl among the
old treasures of this attic. As I look
Into the relics of the revolution I seem
to feel the turmoil of
The Alchemist "Confound that old
elixir! Here I am a kid and I'll have
to wait twenty years before I can get
even with those old reprobates!"
VICTIM.
DANGEROUS TENDENCY IN CERTAIN COLLEGES.
Mr. Bankly "ScrlMets, what do you
mean by assuming such a position at
your work?"
Mr. ScrlblsU (bookkeeper) "I've been
tacking down carpets for two days, sir.
and I can't get out of this shape, air."
IUTURB DANGERS.
1 U-sQ
AfCtORHT
A1 (
i gt - - J