SATURDAY, SEPT. 10
THE MORNING ASTORIAN, ASTORIA, OREGON.
0
DOWSER'S FROG FARM
Plans to Become a Millionaire b
Supplying Croakers.
CARP AND TURTLES TOO
Want t Trad Hit Hem For lorn
Datolat Land on Which Thr li a
Small Pond In Anger H TH
Wlfy to Pack Trunk For Mother.
(Copyright. W by T.'C. McClure.l
Mr, Bowwr waa an hour late In com
lng home rout tbe office, audi Mr
Bowwr wa almost prepared for tbe
worat when he arrived. Ho waa amll
log and happy, lie bad a look of lui
portam oo hi face. Kven before he
bad entered tbe gate it wa evident
that something good had happened.
."Don't aik for explanation now," be
aid In response to ber inquiries. "Aft
er dinner I will tell you all about It"
"But baa something good happened?"
' "Something ha, Mr. Bowaer. For
tone tin at last- Out wait a little."
"Can't you give, me an Inkling of
what It lr
"Jut one llttlo Inkling. We ahall be
worth million of dollur lu the coorae
of tbe next Ave year. Not another
word now."
During the rt of the dlnnor hour
Mr. Itnwucr eat and grinned and amlled
and chuckled, but no further Inform'
Hon could Iw extracted, It waa left to
Mr, Dowser Imagination to conjure
op the following mnmIIIIUIi and ar
range them In the order given below:
lie had bought a cow.
lie luid Invented In a balloon.
Fie had Invented something,
n had bought hen,
no lifld bought a ling,
lie bad hit n new hair fle.
He wa going to rain cattle.'
He waa poind to Africa.
It wa a burular alarm.
It wan a fire escape.
Explain HI Scheme.
When the meal was at length fln
lilted and the alt ting room reached Mr.
A MILLION KlUKm. HALF A MILLION
TUMTLK4 AMD THHtB OB FOUB MILLION
OBJiUAM CAbPl"
Bowaer made a dramatic entrance and
aid:
"Now, then, 'for explanations, and 1
bopo that you will aeo thing Juat aa
I do and there will bo nothing to argue
about I will own up that you have
prevented me from entering into aome
very foollth speculations, but In this
cate I know I shall And all encoorago
mont. You know that the time have
been hard for the last few months."
"Of course."
HU.n u.l, I. ...... i M imnA tt.lnrt, An
saw
mm
mm
. WVU 1TJIH CICU I. UUU LU I VIA
tholr hands 'have had hard, work to
ave it, and they are not out of the
woods yet." ,
"Well?"
"Well, a man was In tbe office today
with a good thing. He wanted to raise
a thousand dollnrs to save it; but, be
lng unable to do so, he offered me the
most colossal bargain of the century.
It's gigantic, 'it's tremendous. It's
something to take your breath away."
"I'm listening."
' "Mrs. Bowser, where do frogs' legs
come from?" ' .
"They aif cut from the bodies of
frogs."
. "And where do we get turtle soup?"
"From turtles unless the cook uses
mutton,"' . i.., ..;
"And did you ever hear of a fish
called tbo German can?"
"I have. It la aald to, be excellent
eating." - " '
"And now, Mrs. Bowser, frogs' legs
sell at 50 cents a dozen pair, and there's
always a demand. . A turtle aa big as
the bottom of n quart dish sells for $1.
flnrmnn fnrn noil for SO CAtitm a nnnnri
and the hotels can't get half enough
of them. You see all this, don't you?"
- "Yes." ' " ' -
"Well, suppose we had our own pri
vate lake and In that lake we bad a
million frogs, half a million turtles
and three or four million German
carp. Would there be anything to
'prevent .us from becoming million-
lroll?"
"Not a thing." ; ' .
"Ah, but that's the way I like to hear
you talk! Now you are taking a wife
ly interest in your husband's business
affairs. You can see as well as I do
that we would have something better
than a gold mine, Then you will con
sent to the exchange?"
ttnt what exchange?" V,'
"We are going to exchange our house
and lot for a little farm twenty mllos
out, with a private lake on It There's
a fairly decent house and four acres of
land besides the lake. There's an or
chard, a garden, and the rest Is lawn.
In that lake are the frogs, turtles and
rnrn I annko of. and all I have to do Is
to haul them out and send them to
mnrkot and get my money. Ilurrib
for ur ' -
"The turtles, f -og and carp have
tmcti counted, have they?" asked Mrs,
Howor after he bad got through dano-
lng around,
"Why., no, of course not. The man
Mining the uuuibur, and be says bo
liu iiimli- a low estimate. In a month
from now, or by the time wo get out
there, the Increase will be 10 per cent.
Wo may catch and sell all we can, and
tbe Increase will make up for It I can
write him that we will exchange, can
IT - ' v, '
"Don't rush things, Mr. Bowser.
Don't write at all. Take tbe train In.
tbe morning and go out there and ace
thing for yourself."
"But that would look like doubting
fala word." ,
"You want to doubt until you are sat
isfied. You go right out there and see
the situation of things, and if they are
II right we will go Into tbe frog, turtle
and carp business. I , have noticed
lately that you are growing old nd
nave harassed look on your face,
and I think It will be great thing for
you to get out In the country among
the frog." J :
Mr. Bowser looked at ber for long
minute to ace If she wa sarcastic or in
earnest and then adopted ber sugges
tion of seeing the other property on tbe
morrow. During the remainder of the
evening he waa busy with figures..
lie figure 6,000,000 pain of frogs'
Meg at CO ceuta pair. -
ue ngurea b.wu.wu tunica ai a aouar
apiece. 1
lie figured 4,000,000 pounds of carp
at 80 ceuta a pound.
ArrlvM at Turtle Villa.
It wa a Cripple Creek. It was a
Monte Cruito. It was a Golconda. It
waa Standard Oil and tbe steel trust
combined. After an almost sleepless
night and a bite of breakfast be was
on bis way. and by JO o'clock In the
forenoon he had reached .Turtle Villa.
The place wu a mite from tbe rail
road station. It wa poor old frame
bouse which had never been painted
and never null (Intoned. The orchard
consisted of. two dead apple trees and
one cherry tree which was trying to
live for pllo. The lawn was a mass
of burdocks and weeds.
The lake could be seen from the
front gate. It wa a pond off at one
side and at tbo foot of tbe hill. Itjvaa
half an acre in extent and at least two
feet deep, and on a log sat a solitary
bullfrog with closed eyes and re
signed air.
"Ah, I hardly expected you today,"
aald the owner of the place as he came
out and shook bands.
"No? I thought I would come and
push things rlong. Tou call this house
a villa, do you?"
"Well, it will be when it's finished.
There will be four towers to It."
"Urn! And this Is tbe orchard?"
"Yes, sir. We had nearly bushel
of cherries off that tree last summer."
"And this Is the lawn?"
"It la."
"Urn! And down there Is tbe lake?"
"Yes, air-Lake Crystal. From that
lake you aro to draw your riches."
Mr. Bowser stood and took a long
look around, and tbe longer ho looked
the madder ho got. He finally turned
to the map and aald:
"Sir, you arc an Infernal liar and
swindler, and I can lick you In two
minutes by tho clock!"
Then be turned away and walked
down the path and down the highway
and took the train for home. Mrs,
Bowser and the cat were on the front
tepa to greet him. and as he ascend
ed the steps he was asked:
"Well, what about Turtle Villa V '
"No remarks, woman!" be replied,
with a glare. "You can pack your
trunks and be ready to start for your
mother's at 0 o'clock this evening.
You have made a fool of me for tbe
last time on this earth." M. QUAD.
Tho Solontifio Name.
The Insect-Well, of all the Insults!
He says I belong to the antltrlologl
vidlal family! .Why, we've been bee
tles ever since the flood !-New York
American.
A 8trang Proceeding.
Infant Terrible (watching Uncle
Jack's fiancee dressing her hair) How
queerly you do your hair!
"How so?"
"Why, Aunt Jane pins hers to her
lap, mummlo holds hers In her tecf.
but you leave yours sticking to your
head." New York Life.
Cute Little Game,
Eva He Is so couslderate of youi
chaperon. He buys her such Interest
lng books,
Ednn-Oh, I call that Ftratcr' !T
knows If the books .nrc lntenstliij? vu
won't look tip loo often when we nn
together. Detroit Tribune.
f ' ' Precocity.
"Yes, your reverence, our Johuule I:
wonder. He can piny carus, dqw!
d cns like n trooner."
and
"Can he say his prayers?"
"No; he's too little for that."-Flle
gande Blatter. 1 -' '
' A DISPLAY OF QUICK WIT.
The American Saved HI Prld and
Obeerved Russian Etiquette.
The Yankee and the Kuhsum story 1
again on it grand rounds, but a ail
attempt to name tbe original Yankee
novo fulled, says London M. A. P,
It U safe to pin tbe anecdote to any
prominent American wbo may have
visited Bt Petersburg.
Tbe Russian bus been Identified as
tbo Grand Duke Constantino, younger
brother of the Czar Alexander I., and
tbe Incident occurred about 1810.
Tbe Yankee went out for a walk la
March, when tbe snow was melting
after sudden rain. Tbe street waa a
maze of puddles, divided Into sections
by narrow ledges of snow at tbe cross
ing, over which pedestrians carefully
felt their way.
Tbe Yankee waa Just In the middle
of such snow brldgo when be recog
nized tbe Grand Duke Constantino ap
proaching In the opposite direction.
The path being too narrow for two
persons to pass, tbe grand duke being
accustomed to every one getting out of
hi way, tbe Yankee being too courte
ous to turn bis back on a brother of
tbe czar to return whence be' came
and too proud to atop servilely into tbe
lush for a mere prince of tbe royal
blood-such was the contretemps.
Quick as flash our American
whipped out bis purse, presented it to
Constantlne end asked, "Even or odd?"
"Even," replied tbe astonished
prince.
"You win I" said the Yankee and
stepped off into ft puddle half a leg
deep.,'
Constantinc, highly pleased by this
peculiarly American proceeding, men
tloncd It to the czar, and our Yankee
was Invited to dine at the palace next
day. . ..
HE LACKED TACT.
Bad Break of tho Man Who Wa
Trying to 811 Spectacle.
"The meanest Job of my lean days,"
said a millionaire, "was spectacle ihk!
dllng. I MM see tbe sad and scornful
looks, I still bear the reproachful oaths,
which that work brought down on me.
"It was at tbe seashore. I bad a
case of spectacle for every age from
forty-five up. I paced the beach and
the board walk. .
"Once 1 walked up to a lady and
gentleman seated close together on tbe
sand.
"'Sir and madam,' I aald, 'would
those Interest you? The best and
cheapest brand of old age spectacles
on tbe market This pair would be
your lzc, sir forty-nine ycara. Lady,
will yon try these fifty-four year ones?
'They reddened, and tbe man told me,
with an oath, to move on. I remem
bered aa I moved that be bad been
holding ber hand. A seaside flirtation.
Of course they hadn't, liked their
thoughts brought down from love to
old age spectacles.
"On the board walk I accosted a
pretty girl leading an old man by tbe
arm.
" 'Would your grandpa be Interested
In these, miss? I said. 'Best glass,
warranted, eighty year size, price'
" Tell him to go, Billy,' said the girl.
"And as I went a hot corn man
chuckled:
'"That, you dub, was Gobsa Golde
ond his young bride.' " Los Angeles
Times.
A Curious Army Toast.
Of all the British regiments the
Welsh fusllcers have tbe most curious
army toast. It forms part of the cere
mony of the grand dinner given annu
ally on St. David's day. After the din
ner tbe drum major, accompanied by
tbe goat; the mascot of the fusileers,
bedecked with rosettes of red and blue
ribbon, marches around the table, car
rying a plate of leeks. Every officer or
guest who has never eaten one before
Is obliged to do so, standing on bis
chair with one foot on the table, while
the drummers beat a roll behind his
chair. He is then considered a true
Welshman. All the toasts are coupled
with the name of St David. It Is in
much this way that the toast with
highland honors is drunk. Each guest
stands with one foot on his chair and
one on tbe table, and the pipers, a-plp-ing,
parade the room.
No Plac For Dog.
Is It impossible in Japan to keep a
good dog? I have twice had my dogs
disappear In a seemingly miraculous
way. As I am well aware that there
Is a great demand for dogskins, espe
cially those of young dogs, we have
been careful In having our dog watcn
ed. Nevertheless he disappeared this
morning. Almost every foreigner has
lost a dog or. dags, and even a sea cap
tain who was three days on shore had
his dog poisoned the first day he put
his feet on land, Japan Chronicle.
Tho World Is Learning.
. Briggs Do you believe that the
world is divided into two classes,
those who borrow and those who lend?
Griggs No, sir. My" experience is
that two other classes are much more
prevalent those who want to borrow
and those who won't lend. Life.
Tho Difference.
"Pa, what's the difference between a
rhyme and a poem?"
"The person who makes a rhyme'
stands some chance of seeing It'
printed, even if it Is merely put on a
card to be stuck op in nn ,'L car."
Chicago Record-Herald.
' Candor. ...
"Pa, what's friendly candor?"
"It is generally the first aid to en
mity." Chicago Record-Herald. ,
The good you do is not lost, though
you forget it Fieidlng.
, WEEDED AFTER ALL
A Chaac For the Book Agent After
i I Ho Got In Trim, ;
"Madam,'! snld tbe book canvasser
as the door wa opened by a very
comely maid, "I am selling a new book
on etiquette and deportment"
"Oh, you are," she responded. "Go
down there on the grass and clean
tbe mud off your feet."
"Ye'm," and he went "A I waa
saying, ma'am," be continued as be
gain came to tbe door, "I am sell"
"Take off your bati Never address
a trsnge lady at her door without re
moving your hat"
"Ye'm." And off went tbe hat
"Now, then, a I wa ssylng" "
"Take your hand out of your pock
ets. No gentleman ever carries his
bands there."
"Yei'm," and hi band clutched fals
coat lapel. "Now, ma'am, thla work
n eti"-
Throw away your cigarette. If a
gentleman use tobacco be is careful
not to disgust others by tbe habit"
"Yei'm," and the tobacco disap
peared, "Now, ma'am," as be wiped
bis brow, "In calling your attention to
this valuable"
s "Walt Put that dirty handkerchief
out of sight I don't want your book.
I am only tbe hired girL You can
come In, bowever, and talk with the
lady of tbe bouse. She called me a
liar this morning, and I think she
need something of tbe kind." Sketch
Bits. ,
LITERARY HERESY?
Are Chaucer, 8pener, Milton, Byron
and Shakespeare Bore?
"We nad the notion of doing some
thing of tbe kind," tbe Easy Chair
confessed when requested to furnish
a list of the hundred best authors,
"but we could not think of more than
ten or a dozen really first rate au
thors, and if we bad begun to com
pile a list of the best authors we
should have bad to leave out most of
their works. Nearly all the classics
would have gone by the board. What
havoc we should have made with tbe
British poets! Tbe Elizabethan dram
atists would mostly have alien nndcr
tbe ban of our negation to a play If
not to a man. Chaucer, but for a few
poems, is Impossible; Spenser's poetry
is generally duller than presidential
messages; Milton Is a trial of tbe spirit
In three-fourths of bis verse; Wads
worth Is only not so bad aa Byron,
who thought him so much worse;
Shakespeare himself when be Is rever
ently supposed not to be Shakespeare
Is reading the martyrs; Dante's science
and politics outweigh his poetry t
thousandfold, and so on through the
whole catalogue." William Dean How
ell In Harper's Magazine.
A Picture of Your Voice.
To take a picture of your voice It Is
only necessary to tie a sheet of thin,
strong paper over tbe wide end of a
tin trumpet Hold it with the sheet of
paper upward, take a thin pinch of
fine sand and place it In the center of
tho paper, hold the trumpet vertically
above your face and sing a note into
the lower end. Do not blow, but sing
the note. Lower the trumpet carefully
and look at the sand. You will find
that the vibrations of your voice have
scattered the pinch of sand Into a
beautiful sound picture. Every note
In the musical scale will produce a
different picture, so you may produce a
great variety of them. Some of these
pictures look like pansles, roses and
other flowers; some look like snakee
and others like flying birds. In fact
there is no limit to the variation.
The Gila Monater.
The Gila monster Is a large, clumsy
lizard from one to two feet long. He
is generally too lazy Jo be pugnacious,
but If his anger is once aroused he
will grip you with a clutch of a bull
dog, turning over as he bites so that
the venom which is secreted In a
gland In the lower Jaw instead of the
upper, like the rattlesnake is pretty
sure to mix well with his saliva and
so make his attack fatally effective.
His fire toed hands and feet render
him adept at bush climbing. labia wild
estate he lives on young rabbits and
birds' eggs. When captured, he eats
only eggs or a little chopped meat
mixed with them. Los Angeles Times.
The Armenian Alphabet
An Armenian girl goes to school at
four or five years old, but before that
she has probably learned her "letters,"
which is almost an education In itself,
as the Armenian alphabet contains
thirty-nine. She learns these letters
from a small slab of wood on which
they are printed. This slab la fastened
to a handle, making It something like
a hairbrush in shape. The Armenians
boast that their formidable alphabet
is so perfect as to give every sound
known to any other nation.
Criminal at Lerg.
GIbbs (visiting) What sort of neiarh
bors have you here? Dlbbs A bad lot.
Thoro's a blacksmith who's engaged In
forging, a caroenter Who's done some
counter fitting and a couple of fellows
next door who sell iron and steel for a
living. Boston Transcript
, Flattering.
Very Stout Farmer's Wife (to little
rustic, her protege) Well, Sam, your
muster and I are going to the cattle
show. Cowboy Oh, I'm sure I hope
yeou'll take the fust prize, 'm that I
do. London Tit-Bits.
Not Quit the Thing.
Matrimonial Agent I have found for
you, my friend, a veritable pearl a
wealthy widow of seventy-five. The
Count-I like the pearl, but I'm afraid
shan't care for the sholll Phlladel
Fisher Brothers Company
SOLE AGENTS
Marbour and Finlayson Salmon Twine and Netting
. McCormick Harvesting If acblnes
Oliver Chilled Plough
Sharpies Cream Separators
Raecolith Flooring Storrett'i Tool
Hardware, Groceries, Ship
Chandlery
Tan Bark, Blue Stone, Muriatic Add, Welch Coal, Tar,
, Ash Oars, Oak Lumber, Pipe and Fittings, Brass Goods,
Paints, Oils and Clas
Fishermen'' Pure Manilla Rope, Cotton Twine and Sein Web
We Wo tit Your Trade
FISHER BROS.
' - BOND STREET
John Fes, Pres. P. L. Bishop, Sec Astoria Satiaga B; Treas,
Nelson Troyer, Vice-Pre. and Supt
ASTORIA IRON WORKS
DESIGNERS AND MANUFACTURERS
OF THE LATEST IMPROVED ...
Canning Machinery, Marine Engines and Boilers
COMPLETE CANNERY OUTFITS FURNISHED.
Correspondence Solicited. - : Foot of Foarta Stmt
A summer mm.
Unfermented Grape Juice
absolutely non-alcoholic
Concord ...5oc quart
Catawba.. . ( 6oc quart
Welch's Grape Juice
Nips 10c
AMERICAN IMPORTING CO.
589 Commercial Street
mm. wt i in
THE TRENTON
First-Class Liquors -anduCigars
f Corner Commercial and 14th.
MHMIIHIIIIIIUMM I III
THE GEM
. C. F. WISE. Prop.
'Choice Wines, Liquors and Cigars
Corner Eleventh
ASTORIA,
SCI00L-M0IDAY
Big &ock plenty for all plentyifof
clerks you won't have to wait to
be waited on. Free blotters, rulers
and book covers.
wiiirati's
You want the best money can buy in food, clothing, home comforts,
pleasures, etc., why not in education? .
Portland's Leading Business College '
offers such to you and at no greater cost than an inferior school.
Owners practical teachers More Calk than we can fill
Teachers actual business men In session the entire year
Positions guaranteed graduates Catalogue "A" for the asking
I. M. WALKER, Pres. O. A. EOSSFP' N. St.
; 1 1 i mum
102 Commercial Stmt
ASTORIA, OREOON i
1 1 ll4MHMtMIMIIUIM
and Commercial
OREGON
BOO
STflflE
' Mq Tnnnl rar LMtL,...L muMM u J,. mi