3
THE MORNING ASTOIilAN, ASTORIA, OREGON.
FRIDAY, SEPT. 4
BOVSER THE SAILOR,
Takes a Trip oh Bounding Billows
With Unfortunate Results.
VICTIM OF THE STORMY SEA.
Eltcttd a Member of the Old Salt'
Club, Ha Haa Hit First Outing
Daaplta Wife Carried Home en a
Stretcher.
Copyright, IKS, by T. C. McCIur.
When the Bowsers came up from
dinner the other evening Mrs. Bowser
Intended to ask Mr. Bowser to call
with her at a neighbor's, but before
she could introduce the matter he ex
cused himself and passed upstairs.
Half an hour later, when he came
down, aha gasped In astonishment and
exclaimed:
nr. Bowser, nut wnat nave you
done with yourself r
Mr. Bowser had on a sailor's hat
He was dressed In a yachting cos
tume.
8uch a eostume as is seen In a melo
drama and nowhere else.
He had on white canvas shoes, and
the salty air In the room made the cat
sneeze. - - ,
"Some more tomfoolery?" queried
Mrs. Bowser as he stood smiling be
fore her. .
"Don't get excited. Madam Bowser,"
he quietly replied. "This, as you prob
ably recognize. Is the costume of a
sailor."
"But what are yon doing with It?"
"Because 1 am a sailor, or shall be
tomorrow. I take great pleasure In In
forming you, my dea, that I have
been elected a member of the Old Salts'
."t I do love the salt air cllngtig tt
I iir dothes! Going (o start ou auoth
voyage fcvoar
"i'u gulag for u salt tomorrow," wnt
iho reply as two nickels were passec"
vo: '
"'i'bai'a tliibt, slr-tlmt's right. 11
bet you've Kiiiled a small boat many i
thousand miles. Captain, if your shij
was Bailing ou a uorwest by wes.
course nt:d you wanted to shift yout
helium to u sou'-sou'east course, what
orders would you glvef '
"I'd tell 'em to haul in on the eta'
board cathead and slack away on th
left hand piston rod."
"Right ye are, my hearty. ' If I hac
any doubts before they are gone now.
said the tiinu as be patted Mr, Bowsei
on the shoulder.
Mr. Bowser Jiad Just given him a
quarter wheu Mrs. Bowser cam tojhi
door. At sight of her the fellow madt
his way down to and out of the gati
with all Balls drawing, and aftei
watching him around the corner shi
queried of the Old Salt beside l:cr:
"Do you know who that person 1st'
A Traveling Man's Experience.
"I must tell you my experience on
an east bound 0. R". & N. R. R, train
from Pendleton to Le Grande, Ore.,"
writes Sam A. Carber, a well known
traveling man. "I was, in the smok
ing department with some other trav
eling men when one of them went out
into the coach and came back and
said, 'There is a woman sick unto
death in the car.' I at once got up
and went out, found her very ill with
cramp colic, her hands and arms were
drawn up so you could not straight
en them, and with a death-like look
on, her face. Two or three ladies were
working with her and giving her
whiskey. I went to my suitcase and
got my bottle of Chamberlain's Colic,
Cholera and Diarrhoea Remedy (I
never travel without it), ran to the
water-tank, put a double dose of the
medicine in the glass, ponred some
walcr into it and stirred it with a
CLASSIFIED ADVERTISEMENTS
HELP WANTED
WANTED A BOY OR A GIRL AT
Burn's Cigar Factory. 9-3-tf
WANTED GOOD COOK; FIRST
class wages. Apply to Mrs. La
moreaux, Fort Stevens.
WANTED 2 WELL DRESSED
young men; good opportunities to
the right men. Enquire at Irvinar
Hotel, between 12 and 1 p. m.
PROFESSIONAL CARD).
ATTORNS YS-AT-LAW
."He's been mat of a ship, I should pencil; then I had quite a time to get
the ladies to let me give It to her, but
I succeeded. I could at once see the
effect and I worked with her, rubbing
her hands, and in 20 minutes I gave
her another dose. By this time we
say."
"He's the man that carries out th
ashes next door. lie's about as mud
sailor as you are.
The boys set np another yell and be
gan hunting aronnd for stones t(
MESSENGER BOYS WITH Bi
cycles wanted at the Western
Union. 8-22-tf
CHARLES 11 ABERCROMBIE
Attorney-at-Law
Cit) Attorney Offices: City Hall
JOHN C. McCUE,
Attorney-at-Law
Page Building, Suite 4
UNDERTAKERS.
J. A. UIL11AUGII & CO.,
Undertaker and Kinttulmera.
Experienced Lady AasUunt
When Desire!.
WANTED-A WAITRESS OF Ex
perience; good wages. Apply Irv
ing Hotel. 9-l-7t
SITUATION WAHTED.
throw at the "escaped." and Mr. Bow- were almost into Le Grande, where I
ser struck his topsails and backed lntc
the house. Mrs, Bowser looked for s
row, but none came. He read and
smoked, and they finally went -to bad
She waa hoping that h had given at
the salty excursion, bat soon discov
ered to the contrary. He had tcareel)
fallen asleep when h began to sing
out, "Man overboard," "Lower awaj
the main deck," "See that the pumpi
are In order." "Burn a blue light," and
so on. At midnight he roused her ur
by singing In his sleep:
"Oh. the raffing sea It roars around.
And the foam goes sweeping by,
And the gale Is howling up aloft
As we race for the sunset sky!"
Mr. Bowser was np an hour ahead of
time and was In such a hurry that he
ate only a few mouthfuls of breakfast.
Twenty minutes after leaving
was to leave the train. I gave the
bottle to the husband to be used in
case another dose should be needed,
but by the time the train ran Into Le
Grande she was all right, and I re
ceived the thanks ot every passenger
in the car." For sale by Frank Hart
and leading druggists.
Good For Biliousness.
"I took two of Chamberlain's Stom
ach and Liver Tablets last night, and
I feel 50 per cent better than I have
for weeks, says J. J. Firestone, of
Allegan, Mich. "They are certainly a
fine article for biliousness." For sale
the Frank Hart and leading druggists.
HOWARD M. BROWNELL
' Attorney-at-Law
Deputy District Attorney
420 Commercial Street
OSTEOPATH1
WANTED YOUNG MAN WANTS
position cooking for small logging r
camp or surveying outfit. Address E.,
Astorian. 8-30-3t -
DR. RHODA C HICKS
, Osteopath
Office VanseU Bldg. Phone Black 2065
J73 Commercial St.. Astoria, Ore.
r'-iiiiU " n- -iriajfcfcg tm
Call Promptly Attended Day
or Night.
Tatton Bdg. 13th aud I)itane8t
ASTORIA. OltLUON
Phone Main a 1 II
DENTISTS
TO LET FURNISHED ROOMS
FURNISHED HOUSEKEEPING
and single' rooms. 677 Exchange
8-27-7t
OH, A LOT OK THE OCKAS WAVE."
club, and tomorrow we hold our an
nual outing. That Is. we go for an
all day's sail on the bay.
i . "Oh, a life on the ocean wave,
A home on the rolling deep,
A billow to lay my head upon
As the gale It rocks me to sleep!
"What, ho, there! Strike your main
topsails and haul in the lee bowsprit!"
"You mean to tell me that you are
going sailing?' asked Mrs. Bowser as
be ceased waltzing around.
"Aye, aye, shipmate. Weigh anchor
and lefs be off."
"Why, you have never even sailed
across a goose pond in your life, and
you'll be sure to be seasick."
"Down with the outer Jib! Hoist
away on that-on that"
Mrs. Bowser looked at him and
calmed his enthusiasm somewhat and
then said:
"You had better go and take those
circus clothes off and let the Old Salts
go along by themselves. Just as sure
as you get out In a boat and there's
any sea on you will come home a
wilted rag and lay it all to me. It's
worse than your rigging yourself out
to ride horseback."
"Madam," be replied, "I have been
elected to membership with the Old
Salts. I am going out with them to
morrow. There wll be a sea on, for
the paper tonight predicts high winds
for tomorrow, but there will be no
wilted rags to come home. The more
sea the better I shall like it. We shall
take along several remedies against
seasickness. I anticipate one of the
most enjoyable occasions in my whole
life. Cast off the lee clew lines of the
hind topsail! Bonnet that Jib and
Jibe the main topmast!"
Appears In Sailor Suit.
Mrs. Bowser said no more. It would
have been words wasted. Mr. Bowser
would go In spite of all, and she was j
rather glad to anticipate what would
surely happen. He was feeling good
natured, and after strutting about the
room for awhile he showed himself at
the front door and kept his ears open
for any remarks. They soon came. A
hoodlum caught sight of him and yelled
to other hoodlums at the top of his
voice:
"HI, boys, but here's a zebra or gi
raffe got out of the zoo! Let's run
him down and get the reward!"
With the crowd of boys came a
tramp with a rolling gait. That eait
showed that he was a sailor, and Mr.
Bowser's heart warmed toward him.
He had a fen cent piece in his fingers
before the man struck the steps.
"Ahoy, old ship!" called the stran
ger. "Ahoy there!"
"How'a her head now?"
"Fifty-seven points off the port quar
ter." , .... ;
"Right ye are. Say, captain, you
look every Inch a sailor. I spotted you
clear from the corner."
Mr. Bowser gave him a second ten.
"That's n dandy uniform you've got,
and It's a dandy man Inside It Lord,
house he was aboard of one of the
clnb boats holding six men. There
was a strong gal blowing and a good
sea on, and many members aa tbev
came along were In favor of putting
the sail off to another day. It was Mr.
Bowser's words that decided the mat
ter, and they were taken down m pen
cil to be framed and bung oa the walls
of the club. When asked for his opin
ion he replied:
"Down with the sta'board cathead
and np with fo'sall boom! See that
the rudder Is greased with fat pork.
and send aloft your heaviest anchor
and let us get out of here. The man
that won't face this wind and sea la
no sailor and no shipmate of miner
Bowser Becomes Seasick.
Then tbey set out to brave the dan
gers of the briny. They had proceeded
about a cable's length from shore
when Mr. Bowser began to think of
Mrs. Bowser.
Then of his stomach.
Then of his swimming head.
He tried to think of something heroic
and was surprised to find that be
could not.
Mrs. Bowser had told blm that he
would be sure to be seasick, but he
would show her that
"Look at Bowser!" shouted one of
the men.
"He's a goner!" added another.
"There he goes, fellers!"
And Mr. Bowser went He collapsed
like a binge and lay in the bottom of
the boat
Then he called upon Mrs. Bowser.
And upon his fellow members.
And upon heaven itself, and offered
millions and millions of dollars to be
set ashore, even among rattlesnakes
and centipeds.
At high noon four men bearing a
stretcher on which rested a human
body arrived at the Bowser house.
T'jo hiraan bedy was Mr. Bowser's.
"Shipmates, Is he deadT asked Mrs.
Bowser from the steps.
"Not dead, matey," replied one of
them, "but he won't want to see a
boiled dinner again before snow flie3.
Better let him do his sailing in a bath
tub after this." . M. QUAD.
THE WORLD OF HOMER.
Sandy's Confession.
"You were a college man?" Inter
rogated the lady In the vine covered
bungalow. . . ,
"Yessum," replied Sandy Pikes as he
tackled the wedge, of peach pie.
"And took degrees V
"Yessum."
"How many degrees did you taker
"Ninety-one. mum. I&tole de college
thermometer one summer day." De
bo:: Tribune.
In Dogland.
Ancient Idea of the Earth and It Mar
gin of Water.
Let us consider for one moment what
the idea of the world was not, Indeed,
at the earliest period of which we
have any knowledge, but at the dawn
of written history or of written history
among that Indo-Germanlc people
whoSe descendants have overspread so
much of the earth. The world of Ho
mer was a small, flat surface. In which
civilization was hemmed In by foreign
races, who again were surrounded by
a great ocean or river over which no
man bad ever passed. The world of
which Homer bad any definite notion
was Greece a Greece which hardly
extended as far as the Balkans on the
north and wblcb scarcely Included the
Levant and the Islands In the Aegean
sea. No doubt be bad some general ac
quaintance with a world beyond these
narrow limits. He knew, at any rate,
some of the leading features of north
ern Africa. He bad beard, as was only
natural, of Egypt whose civilization
had made such marked advances and
was exercising so much Influence. He
had some knowledge of the great river
on whose recurring floods Eerot de
pends for her prosperity, ne had even
heard of the pygmies and of the Ethlo-1
plans who dwelt higher up Its stream.
Some reports had reached him of
southern Italy. But it is hopeless to
attempt to fit the geography of Homer
to the actual facts. If a man were to
search today for the precise spot on
which Captain Lemuel Gulliver was
wrecked in the first of bis famous voy
ages he would find that the Lillipot of
Swift was in the heart of Australia,
and much la the same way, to quote
Mr. Gladstone's language, "the key to
the great contrast between the outer
geography (of Homer) and the facts of
nature lies la the belief of Homer that
a great sea occupied the space where
we know the heart of the European
continent to lie."
It is another Indication of the small
ness of Homer's world that the ten
years' war, of which he has given us
the concluding episode, was not as
even Herodotus has described it, one
of the opening chapters of the great
struggle which has endured throughout
historic tiroes between east and west
but a contest between men of common
origin. It Is not a mere poetical li
cense which makes Greeks and Ro
mans address one another In the same
language. Yet the world of Homer,
small as it seems to us. seemed large
to him. Compared with the mighty
oceans which men now traverse the
Mediterranean Is but a little landlocked
sea. The Mediterranean of the "Iliad"
was only the Aegean, yet for nomer it
nau terrors which the Atlantic has not
for us.-Sir Spencer Walpole in Con
temporary Review.
FOR SALE-REAL ESTATE.
FOR SALE AT A BARGAIN TWO
lots and an 8-room modern house
with bath. For particulars address B.
100, Astorian office. 9-l-6t
SACRIFICE SALE DWELLING
house and lot, 50x100 feet on 17th
street between Franklin and Grand;
owner leaving town and is anxious to
sell; will sell furniture with house if
desired. Van Dusen & Co., agents
9-3-St
, DR. VAUOHAN
Dentist
Pythian Building, Astoria, Oregon
DR. W. C LOO AN
Dentist
Commercial St Shanahan Bldg
BUSINESS DIRECTORY.
RESTAURANTS.
T0KI0,iE.f?,AHEANT-
Opposite Ross, Higgins & Co.
Coffee with Pie or Cake 10 Cta.
FIRST-CLASS MEALS
Regular Meals IS Cta. and Up.
WANTED TO RENT.
WANTED TO RENT A STOCK
or dairy farm for cash or shares
Address Lewis & Clark, R. F. D
Ilox80. 9-4-lm
FOR RENT.
FOR RENT, HOUSE No. 247 BOND
street, corner Sixth, 6 rooms an
bath. Apply to F. I. Dunbar,.207 As
tona Savings Bank building. 9-2-tf
roa sale.
GASOLINE LAUNCH, NEW, AX
strongly built; 6 h. p.; for sale at
bargain. Hans Fredcrikscn, 2071 Bond
street. 9-3-6t
FOR SALE-NO REASONABLE
offer refused for first-class Deni
more typewriter. Warren Packing
Company. 8-30-4t
FOR SALE CHEAP, ONE SCHOL
arship in the International Corres
pondence School of Scranton. En
quire Astorian office. 8-7-tf
HOUSE MOVERS.
FREDR1CKSON BROS.-We make
a specialty of house moving, car
penters, contractors, general jobbing
prompt attention to all orders. Cor
ner Tenth and Duane streets.
MASSAGE.
OLGA KANTONEN, FINNISH
masseuse and steam baths, room 6,
Pythian Bldg., Commercial St., A
torian, Ore.
LOST AND FOUND.
LOST-GOLD WATCH CHARM
with "Diamond K." Finder return
to' Ed Donnelly, Lurline dock, and re
ceive reward.
MISCELLANEOUS.
MAGAZINE BINDING OF ALL
kinds done at the Astorian Office
LOOSE LEAF LEDGERS -ALL
kinds made by The J. S. Dellinger
Company..
"Ghoul! You've been robbing the
dead!"
"Go on! I buried this bone yester
day. "-Harper's Weekly.
l : ' .:
URINARY
DISCHARGES
BELIEVED W
24 HOURS
Each Cap-
sulc bears (MiDY
the namcarit-V y
Beware of counterfeit! '
ALL DEt'OOIHTS
WANTED TO BUY A HORSE,
weight about 1250 pounds; not over
8 years old; must be good driver and
gentle, also city broke. Address As
torian office. 6-9-tf,
Two Opinions.
"So you've stopped calling upon
.Mifis Pert," said Gausslp. "She has
rather a pretty face, but I consider
her nose too long, don't you?'?
"Huh!" snorted the rejected one. "I
found ber 'noes' entirely too short
aud emphatic.'' Catholic Standard and
Times.
EMPLOYMENT OFFICE.
J. T. NOWLEN
Real Estate and Employment Office
473 Commercial St, Phone
Have fine list of Astoria and coun
try property. All classes ol laboi
furnished.
MISCELLANEOUS.
HOT OR COLD
lolilen West
ea
Just Right
CLOSSET & DEVERS,
. PORTLAND, ORE. , ,
U. 8. RESTAURANT.
434 Bond Street
Coffee with Pie or Cake, 10 Cta,
First-CUsa Metis, IS Cta.
MIDICAL.
UapreoeueaUi
Sueoetast'ef I
ic-n
TBI OKXAT
csnfisi Docro
Who It kaowa
throaghont the United s
State oa aecotut of
' . kit waiwltrf n) iimi
or drags umc. Ht nun.
tee to eure etUrrh, ettfcma, lung aad
inroat trouMt, reeumatltm. aenouMtae,
stomach, liver and kUaey, female ceaa
plalott tod all ehronle dloeaaea.
SUCCESSFUL B0MI TRKATMUfT.
If you eanoot eall write for ivmotoM
blank tod circular, inclotlng 4 taU r
stamps.
thi c, gii wo Miwcnri CO.
1I3 Flrat 8t, Oorntr Morrtaoe, ,
PORTLAND, ORICOlf.
Ftfaae'nsottoe the Attoria.
No poisons
PLUMBERS.
MISCELLANEOUS.
Smith's Special
Delivery
EXPRESS AND BAGGAGE
Leave Ordera at Star Cigar Store.
Flume Black 2383
Rea. Phone Red 2274
Stand Corner 11th an J Commercial.
J.1H1
PLUMBER
Heating Contractor, Tinner
AND
. Sheet Iron Worker
LL WORK GUARANTEED '
42S Bond Street
DENTISTS.
eiiifii in
TEETH
III
COR. 11TH AND COMMERCIAL
Office hcurs 8:30 A. M. to
8:, P. M. Sunday 10:00 to
12:00.
Phone Number Main 3001.
Painless Extractions - 5oc
Corner Commercial and 11th
Sts. over Danziger store.
Plate Racks, Wall Pockets.
Music Racks, Clock Shelves
Just m See us
Hildebrand & Got
Old Bee Hive Bldg.
WINES AND LIQUORS
Youncc & Baker
PLUMBERS
TINNERS
Steam and Gas Fitting
All Work Guaranteed. 126 Eighth
Street, opp. Post Office. Phone Main
4061.
LAUNDRIES.
WE WASH
Everything but the Baby and return
everything but the dirt. '
TROY LAUNDRY
Ttnth and Duanc ,
Phone Main 1901
Eagle Concert Hall
(320 Astor Street)
Rooms for rent by the day, week, or
month.- Bes rates in town.
P. A. PETERSON, Prop.
CONCRETE
WORK DONE
ANY PERSON WANTING AiJy
CONCRETE WORK DONE AT
THE CEMETARIES, WILL
PLEASE LEAVE ORDERS AT
POHL'S UNDERTAKING
FICE.
E.NYMAN
Astoria, Ore. '
P. O. Box 603.
OF-
SCHOOLS AND COLLEGES'
You want the best money can buy in
pleasures, etc., why not in education?
food, clothing, home comforts,
Portland's Leading Business College
offers such to you and at no greater cost than an inferior school.
Owners practical teachers More Calk than we can fill '
Teachers, actual business men In session the entire year
oslt,ons guaranteed graduates Catalogue "A" for the asking '
I. M. WALKER, Pres. 0. A. BOSSERMAN, Secy.