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About The morning Astorian. (Astoria, Or.) 1899-1930 | View Entire Issue (Dec. 11, 1907)
WEDNESDAY, DECEMBER it, 1907. THE MORNING- ASTORIA N. ASTORIA, OREGON. THE PERKINS FAMILY Mr. Perkins Brings His Philoso phy to Bear on Fishing. "WHY CATCH THEM 7" HE ASKS Puts the Problem Up to Mrt. Perkins. CalU Hl Word Msrs Sophistry. Thsre It No Plsoe Llko Homo Por " Phllooophor, (Copyright, 10)7, by P. C. Kastmtnt.J Mr. Perkins, family philosopher and takt It easy, had been smoking bla cl ear and rending (ho evening paper fur ten minutes wuu Mra, 1'erklns, who bad been sketching over a book, laid It atuloandsnid; , ; "Mr. rorklus, do you ronllw that tlio suuimur U about goner "Perfectly, my doarj perfectly," be replied. "That's a way summer bns bad over aluce I know anything about the seasons." ; "Last Docouiber, oua night wlten Uie anow waa knee deep and thoro waa a If "IOC ABU TUNNKO TWKNTT PKET H10II ON Uia HOttSS." perfect gnlo blowing, we aat right where wo do now, and you ipoke up and mild Hint If you ever lived to tee another auiuiiier you'd go flshjug at lentt ouce a week and take uie- with you. Perhaps you can recall your wordar "Laat Deceuiber! Laat December! Let me commit my memorandum book. A great many thing hove happened stuve laat Decern Iter. Lot ua aeo. Here under data of Dec. 22 I find tho follow ing entry: j "Snowing and blowing. Winter In eo meat. Wife and I are aa cosy aa you pleaae. J oat observed to her that If we lira to see next lummor we'll go fish ing every week.' "That's what I find entered, Mra. Torklua. And did you wlah to paaa any remarka on tho record T "Yea, I do. nave we been fishing one alnglo time this whole tommer longr' "Not that I remember of, my dear." "Haven't I apoken about It twenty different tlmear "I ahould toy twenty waa about the number." "And each time you've aald you'd aee about It, and we didn't go." "You are correct" "Woll, have you any explanatlona to maker "Urn I My dear, I have often told you never to make explanatlona when you could avoid them. Explanatlona may explain or they may not. They may render everything clear or mix thlngt worfo than before. If you feel that you could get along without ex planatloua It would be a favor to me." "But I don't feel that way. We were to go fishing moat every day thla aummer. We haven't gone a tingle time. Why haven't wef , i' On Phiioaophloal Principles, I "My dear Mra. Perkins," aald Mr. Ferklna aa he laid bla papei ailde, "we ahall have to go Into thla matter aa a whole and decide It on philo sophical principles We will Ho It at once and Lave It over with. And, by the way, I promise you any number of sleigh rides now for next January," "And you will keep that promise a you have kept this oner ahe retorted. "First and foremost, why do people go fishing) The natural answer la, to catch fuh. We bave been fishing thir ty times and never even had a nib ble. Twenty tlmea did not discourage me, but thirty did, "Why catch Ash at all? You will answer, to eat them. You catch them, bring them borne, dress them, fry them, serve thorn, and you taste a mouthful and throw the rest to the cat It has cost you at least $3 to get what you could have bought at the market for 60 cents. Notice tha economic problem here presented." "Oh, I'm notlclugl" replied Mrs. Ter klns. "You aro already pnvlng tho way to moke a sneak." "But wo go Hulling and dou't catch any fish," he continued.'.' "We nre our our time and the cont of bait.' Wo have several 1 aqnabhles "while fishing. We have1 more' coming hoiro1. Wo' have still othorg'af (or arriving., Wo are tired. We nre sunburned1.'';. Wo are mad. Moral, don't go fitslilu::. "TO go fishing we must ride two miles on a street enr and thou cross a field with a bull Jn It. '- .". 1 ' "Fuses blow out nnd set street cars on fire. ' -'- ' ' "Street cars have a way of running Off the track and killing passengers. Conductors carry guns, They may go off by accident. "If we ecp all the dangers Incl deut to street cars we still hnve the bull to reckon wl lb, One can turror toll when a bull la going to tnko excep tion to your hat, your clothing or even your gait. He decides that ho doesn't love you a bit and comes for you, You are tossed twenty feet high on his horns, and when you come down tho vital spark has fled." "Tho vital nonsense!" contemptuous ly exclaimed Mrs. Perkins, "Suppose, however, that the bull takes no exceptions to our clothes and gait and permits us to pass on. We climb two rail fences and reach an old wharf. Wo tempt I'rovldeuce by stand ing on It. Wo tlsh for hours and catcb no fish. By Innuendo I cull you a hoo doo. By Innuendo you call mo a liar. I at once begin to think of the cheap tombstono I shall buy you at your death, and you (it once Itcgln to wonder If you've got to put up with me for five or um years longer." "Your words are mere sophistry, Mr. Terklus, You can crawl through the smallest kuotholu of any man I ever saw." ' "But let us go back a littlo, Mrs. Perkins-let us go back. I was think ing one day last May that wo'd go fishing next day wheu I happened to open a medical pMmplilet. There was treatise In It ou fish." "Oh, of course!" "It was stated that the fresh fish of this country were responsible for 200, 000 destbs per year." "I will never believe It-nevor!" As to Prsah Pish. "Fresh fish, according to that treatise, are liable to various forms of blood poisoning, and when eaten they com municate tho ailment to the eater. You may congratulate yourself on escaping some form of blood poisoning, Mrs. Perkins. You may bave escaped death Itself." "What's the use of listening to such twaddle!" exclaimed Mrs. Perkins aa abe rose up. "Sit down, my dear," he replied. "You wanted to know why I didn't take you dulling thla summer, and I am trying to give you a lucid expla nation. 1 had my doubts of the truth of tho article In the pamphlet, and I called on an eminent physician. Ho corroborated all the statements of the writer. In fact, about five years sgo be and bis wife went fishing, and a large pickerel titty caught and took home and cooked gave them both a caae ,of blood polnonlng. He loat a leg and she an arm In consequence. Do I wish to lose a leg? Do I wish you to lose an arm T' "I don't believe the yarn." "It struck mo thst you wouldn't, my dear, and so- I overhauled a medical encyclopedia. There 1 found that: "Sturgeon may give you cramps. "Pickerel may sow the seeds of tu berculosis. "Bats may bring on cases of asthma. "Pike fried la batter and crumbs bave caused Inssnlty. "Perch bsve caused melancholia and loss of appetite. "Mlunowa have caused swelling of the gums and lose of teeth. "Tho eating of bullheads haa been the first step to crime. "There the list ceased, Mra. Perkins, and I ceased with It I saw and real ised the tremendous risk we ran, and whenever you approached the subject of going a-flshlng 1 switched you off. Now that you know all you cannot blame me? Ou the contrary, I look for praise Instead. You are Mrs. Per kins No. 2. I had a hard struggle to get you. I want to keep you. Love and duty have been my guiding stars In this matter. As I aald, I will prom ise you many sleigh rides In January and February, and I will make a note of the Same in my book. Next sum mer, In rase the fish recover their nor mal health"- "Good night, Mr. Perklna," she said aa abe swept out of the room. 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