2
THE MORNING ASTOHIAN, ASTORIA, OREGON.
SATURDAY, SEPTEMBER i, 1900.
THE
MORNING ASTORIAN
IsUbUsne 187J.
Published Daily Except Monday by
TIL J. S. DELLIHGKR COMPAMY.
SUBSCRIPTION SATES.
By mail, per year $7.00
By eerrier, per month 80
WEEKLY ASTORIAH.
B, mail, per yer, In advance.. tl.00
Knlerrd u toi-laa matter July
INS, at tb. ptMlofflc at Astoria. Unp
(ob, Buder U act of Conma ol March J,
IS.
OrOrAtn for th Mlwnnf of Tss Moss
imurroaux lortUmr rrmiwoe or place of
btmiatm najr b mad. by postal card or
through tele. eons. Any Irrvjtularilj Id do
linty should be auMdiatvl; rrponrd 10 th
ofltoe of pubUcaUoo.
TELEPHONE MAIIf Mi.
Um Cttj of Astoria
Official paper of ClaUop county aud
AMY XIND, HERE I
While the demand for college farm
hand in Kansas is unabated and while
all able bodied collegian who are will
uijr to work are urcd kind treat
ment, good wage, pure food, and Sim-
days to themselves In all part of the
Sunflower State, jet the crying need
of the moment i for women cook m
tlie haevet camp. A man may be a
quick-lunch cook of exceptional 'kill,
or he mav le a clubhouse chef with a
Parisian diploma, but when he reaches
that part of the menu where pie i
expected, he fails utterly. So adver
tisement fill all the Kansas papers
which otter unparalleled inducement
to women cooks. And the chief qual
ification demanded of them is that they
be capable of making the kind of pie
that mother ued to make.
WEATHER,
Western Oregon, Western
Washington Increasing cloudi-
ness; cooler except near coast.
Eastern Oregon, Eastern
Washington, Idaho Fair and
continued warm.
BRYAN AND?
"How would Bryan and Francis sound
for the Democratic ticket in 19(6?"
asks Bob Taylor of Tennessee. It
would sound less logical than Bryan
and Sullivan, if Bryan is to continue
In the hands of his friends the enemy,
who defeated him in Peoria. The Illi
nois convention has pointed the way to
harmonising effort which will bring
the party together by indorsing all of
its diverse and warring elements, as
was done at Peoria Tuesday. There
may be constitutional objections to
nomination of Mr. Sullivan, but what
is the constitution between friends who
are enemies and who are getting togeth
er to save the party? Prejudices as
well as principles must be sacrificed in
such a cause, as was proposed in that
old whig convention when the whig par
ty was about as near death as the
Democratic party is co, and lu which,
after a fusion was effected with the
know-nothings on a know-nothing plat
form, a delegate rose and said: "Now,
Mr. Chairman, our platform is made to
suit the know-nothings and if we can
nominate a popular Irishman and a
popular German on the ticket we will
plea-e everybody and win the elec-'
tion." Bryan and Francis would be a
ticket combining the anti-corporation
and the corporation elements, but Mr.
Sullivan as one who has met the is
sue more squarely and has defeated Mr.
Bryan on it, is one who is better worth
conciliating. "Bryan and Sullivan"
should be the next battle cry of a unit
ed Democracy.
FOR LABOR DAY.
On Labor Day the forty-five warships
with their thousand guns and their six
teen thousand men, will pas in review
before the people of the United States.
N'o better us could 1 made of the
fighting vessels in time of peace than
this assembling to typify the strength
and dignity of eighty million people in
one nation. There never ha been a
scene so imposing in the waters of the
United State, and may not again for
years; but on a smaller scale at least
uch occasions should b frequent when
the people can salute their navy as the
navy salute the people in the person
of the magistrate chosen for a stated
time from among the people.
The poet has hailed ocean as greater
than man who assumes the title of lord
over it:
"The armaments which thunderstrike
the walls
Of rock-built cities, bidding nations
quake
And monarch tremble in their capitals,
The oak leviathans, whose huge ribs
make
Their clay creator the vain title take
Of lord of thee and arbiter of war
Thee are thy toys."
But the courage and resolution of man.
the skill and the patriotism of man.
are a noble in themselves as the aim
less rocking of the waves of the seas;
and the American fleet is intended to
carry the ideas of liberty and progress
to everv shore of ocean.
Student Bowser
Runs Amuck
He Tries to Solve the Problem of
the Bullfrog's Bellow and
Falls Down.
MISTAKEN FOR LUNATIC
Considerably Wrecked Before He Gets
Home Mrs. B. Is Compassionate
and Leaves Him Alone.
(Copyrlalit. ISW, by C. It. SutcllfTa.J
DURING the afternoon a uetgh
bor had come lu and told
Mm. Bowser about lecture
on the Holy Land that was to
be given at the church that evening,
and therefore an extra good dinner
bad tntMi planned with the cook for
Mr. Bowser, and he waa coaxed to 0.
lie came homo good natured, and he
praised the dinuer. aud nil seemed to
be filing well when he put a sturabllug
block In the way by saying:
"A rather Interesting Incident occur
red nt the otflee till afternoon. You
have heard of I'rofossor Stackhouse, I
presume?"
"I think 1 have seen his name In the
papers," replied Mrs. Jtowser.
"He Is the most celebrated student
of natural history In the world. Show
him a rabbit's foot aud he will tell
you how old the rabbit was, to what
epoch he Momred. whether he was
shot or run down by a dog-lu brief,
nil about him. I have long wished to
meet bin1., and we had a visit for two
hours or more"
XVItU Oplaton of tlta Owa.
"Yes."
"Wo were In accord In all but one
tiling. You know I am n man who has
opinions i f his own, I did not swal-
000000000000000000
0 EDITORAL SALAD. O
000000000000000000
Western Cuba is in the throes 0f a
revolution. This mirt seem like old
times to the Cubans.
Bears were ncvpr known to hole up
in midsummer until they struck the
"nucxpectsd dividend."
o
At any rote, that F.nglish army tailor
does not control the White House styles
in spelling.
0
When tlie railroads abolish passes they
will have to go into politics as a means
of self-defense.
o
Napoleons of finance, new style, do
not care who ?ets the dividends as
long as they can fix their dates and
amounts.
0
H t' l U'" 'V 1
iplf
VERIFORM APPENDIX.
The vermiform appendix is a small
sack-like appendage to the intestine,
and in the human subject, when in
flammed causes, or rather the inflamma
tion is designated, appendicitis. It serves
no purpose in man. He gets along as
well, or better, when the appendix is
removed by sugrieal operation. With
some of the lower animals, however, its
function is extremely vital.
In the horse, the vermiform appen
dix acquires its highest development, it
function being absolutely necessary to
life. While in a man its capacity is
less than an ounce, in the horse it meas
ures about thirty-six inches in length,
and its capacity may average about six
gallons. The appendix of the horse is
usually 'found filled with water, and it
mav be said that its function is that of
a storage tank of water for the horse
where the process of absorption of that
fluid is going on incessantly.
In man it is rudimentary. It has
grown useless in the game manner, per
haps, as have the muscles which, ac
cording to the theory'of evolution, were
used by the prehistoric man to flop his
ears. Finally, in his higher develop
ment, he had n0 use for- ear muscles, or
for a vermiform appendix, both of
which went out of style.
"Thanks to UncleSam, Cuba" needs no
navv, but President Palma will have
I to show that he knows a thing or two
about soldiers.
Two men have retired from the race
for the Democratic noimnation for gov
ernor of Massachusetts; probably hav
ing decided they can revise the tariff
just as well In private life.
In one repect the political conven
tions of 1006 are all alike they in
variably declare for the square deal,
regarding of party.
o
Hoke Smith in Georgia, seconded by
Tom Watson, attacked the Democratic
partv as now conducted, Vn wonder be
swept the state.
0
A good health department's value is
hard to estimate. It is stated that the
cost of typhoid fever in Pennsylvania is
$14,000,000 a year.
0
Experience with the primary election
system has not been satisfactory. No
system can be perfect that encourages
men to be candidates for office.
Bernard Shaw asserts that Christians
should not make fortunes. A boy from
the country once wrote to his father
for money, saying: "Do you think a
young man can lead a Christian life
in New York on $7 a week?" The fa
ther wrote back: "I do not think he
can lead any other."
0
. Earthquakes in either hemisphere con.
tinue to be valuable in revealing just
how large a proportion of the popula
tion needs shooting on the spot.
Muggsy McOraw is determined the
public ahall admit he is a great base
ball manager if he. takes a mandamus
to do it.
"THE BCLt-PHnO JlFM.OWS, 11CT WHT DOES
UK llEt-LOW?"
low all of his I)v:iiisi; ho was a pro
fessor. Mm. Bowser, you were brought
up In the country."
"So were you. Mr. Bowser. The first
time I ever saw you you were cutting
up pumpkins to ft-ed a one horned
cow."
He lluslic.l up und his eyes snapped
and for a moment In- appeared about to
make an angry answer. Then he hung
on to himself and forced a smile anil
said:
"Well, let It go that we were both
brought up in the country. It Is all the
more to the point In this ease. As
country bred folks wc know what the
bullfrog Is. Ho Is found in ponds and
marNhes. Ills principal occupation Is
to bellow at n'ght. Did you ever stop
to think, Mrs Bowser, why ho bel
lows?" "Because he was made to, the same
as a rooster vas made to crow," she
answered.
"But why was he made to why?
The rooster wuh made to crow that ho
might wake the farmer's hired man up
nt 4 o'clock In the morning, but for
what particular reason should the bull
frog bellow'; They wiy that nature has
a reason for everything."
"I give up that I don't know, and the
Itev. Mr. CIciHon Is to deliver a lecture
on the Holy Land (it our church this
evening and I want you to go with inc.
We haven't been out an evening for
two months."
"I am sorry to disappoint you, Mrs.
Bowser, but the itev. Mr. Olciisoii and
his Holy Laud iniwt wait. Wo have
before us a question that has bothered
naturalists for the laxt 2,000 years.
The bullfrog bellowK, but why does he
bellow?"
"But why shinld we care about his
bollov.Ings? It In going to be n very
Interesting lecture e.nd I want to liear
It. The bullfrogs can be attended to
any time,"
Just I.Ike n Woman.
"Exactly like a woman," said Mr.
Bowser, with a superior wnlle. "No
doubt llie wife of Sir Inaae Newton
wanted to go to a clrciitt the ufternoon
he discovered gravitation, and If he
had gone with her the world would
have had to wait another thousand
years. You can run right along and
hear nil about the Holy Land, but I
shall devote the evening to solving
this problem. The professor holds that
the bullfrog bellows to attract his food
to him. I hold that he bellows under
the Idea that he Is pouring forth a lulla
bv to rait the world to Jeep. , JSacu
one of ns will make his Ttwft "Investi
gation tonight nud compare notes to
morrow." "And tomorrow night you'll be lutea.
llgatlng why owls hoot, I supptser
sarcastically observed Mrs. Bowser.
rotuilbly, tuy dear woman - possibly.
In fact, I have often wondered Just
why owls do hoot Instead of keeping
their hearts shut. There need be no
acrimony about this matter. You can
run uKmg to the Holy Land, and 1
hall take n suburban ear out Into the
country."
"Hut something will happen to you,
nud you'll come home mad at me."
"N'othlns whatever will happen to
me, and I shall come home feeling just
as placid as I do now. 1 shall be
placid, though t may also be esultaut.
I'll bet dollars to cent that I knock
the professor's theory Into a cocked
hat. He Isn't the only man lu this
world who has had hi eye on the
bullfrog."
Vr. nr DparU.
Mm. Bowser wuuldu't go to the lec
ture without him. end so It was settled
that she should stay home. Just as
dusk was coming down Mr. Bowser
took his departure for the country
nud the land of bullfrogs. He didn't
have to wait long after taking his car
to get some Information to assist Mm
!n his Investigation. A farmer direct
ed him to a big pond w here clay had
been dug out for a brickyard aud then
naturally iiKkod:
"tiolu' to catch a me of frogs to
eat?"
"No; I am going to study the frog."
"Then hain't no use In that. Any
hook ntKMit animal and things will tell
you all nliout him. I can do It myself
fur that mattev, Do you want to know
why his hind tags are the longest?"
"No. sir. If you kuow all alut the
Imllfrog tell me why he bellows.
What his gruie? Is he talking to
other frogs? I'is's he Imagine lies
sduglng a song? Is It a note of defi
ance :
"l!y thunder. !tit you've got lue!" ex
claimed the f ruler after thinking It
over. "I've b.eu llvln' with bullfrogs
for thf Inst I'.rty years, but It has
never occunv-d to me to ask why they
Mlered. And yon are goln' to Bad
out. are you?"
Mr. 11 Inrrxlsnics.
"If It's a p.is'il'le thing."
"Waal, I y i'-ore! I hope you can.
If we im Pud out why they Mler
n,cb!e we cuu buy 'em off. There's
almtit 11 million of 'em lu that poud I
spot,o of. ami you won't have any
trouble to Hud 'cm. You'll hear 'em
a-whooplu' as u as you get off the
car."
The man spoke truly. When the car
reached the le minus and Mr Itowscr
had taken a s.tt on a log after he got
ofT the car he lord tie- hoarse voices of
a bullfrog eul'-eit down the highway
and realized tl at he bad struck It li'
The way to Imwllirale U to Inietdl
gate, i'lve mi-lutes after reaching the
pond Mr. llover was giving all his
Uilnd to solviiu the problem.
He llrst estimated tit" mimlicr of
frogs before bun ul mi even million.
Secondly, he made out nUmt oHj
different Intonations.
Thirdly, dclimiee, sorrow, pathos, In
difference and exultation seemed to be
about eipmliv mixed. Where niie old
frog wa.H seud'iig a lullaby out to the
sleeping world another was trying to
wake up everybody within two miles
It looked as II the problem was belit
tled up In bail knots when iwo men
suddenly uppcrcd before Mr. liowser,
and one of then culled out:
"Well, old cove, have you come back
for the lest of the tools?"
"Sir, are yoi spooking to ine?" ank
ed Mr. Itowsef as ! rose up.
It- Wnkev I 11,
"I :i 111. Win t are you doing around
here ut this tl.-ie of niubt? Some one
was here a nl:ht or two ago ami stole
all the pickaxes, but don't think yon
call get uway 'villi any more of 'em."
"I came here, sir, to study the frog
and I object to being talked to lu this
inaniier."
"Jeh.'j-taplial '." gasped the mini. "Say,
Jim, this must be the lunatic that es
caped from ths asylum yesterday. If
we take him back they'll give us a
fiver. Come on."
Mr. 15 iwHor ejenped, but he was pret
ty well wreeled In the doing of It.
He was rolled In tin1 mud and had his
clothes torn a id lost his hat. At 11
o'clock, wlih Mrs. liowser still up and
waiting for bin, lie softly unlocked the
front doir and sneaked upstairs. She
heard him, hu. In the goodness of her
heart did not cull out. She gave him
half an hour and then went up to find
him asleep. Ho was asleep, hut hlfl
mind still worked. As alio bent over
him he groaned out und then mut
tered :
"We know why his hind legs are the
longer, but why does ho bellow 1
Wliat's the object ? What's the gamer
M. QUAD.
FOR
REGATTA
Material of all Kinds
See the Show Window
J. N. GRIFFIN
BooUm Stationery
Souvcnlcrs
SPECULATTRACTIONS AT THE
STAR THEATER
Regatta WeeK Entire Change of Program
3 Three Girdcllcrs 3 1 Lyons & Cullom
ISINCINO. DANCING AND WHIST
; PARLOR ACROBATS. LING COMEDIANS,
' i DUillKll FlOllCiS S CO. Margaret Bell
Introducing Their One-Art Come:,, . Mi , .ltlu.tutrd, "SINCE
"THE HOLD UP." NELLIE WENT AWAY."
Touting ths Wotld on Wars of
LOUIS PritzkoW Uughtsr. The Funniest of ths Funny,
COMEDIAN AND YODLER. urgeR- riCtUre' ""
Daily Matinees, Except Monday, at 3 P. H.
Evening Performance at 8.30 P. H.
rtg2- "'Si
t
u l III Ct1 la AJ
1
The Art of Fine Plumbing
hsi progrcHcd with the development of the science of
anitstion snd we have kept
mc with the Improvement!.
Hire you t Or is your bathroom one of
thf old huhkned, unhealthy kind I
If yoa are still uilng the "closed In"
fixtures of ten jresrs ago, It would be w ell
to remove them snd install in their stead,
inowy white "JSVoitiWJ" Poneltin Enam
eled Wsre, of which we have amjiln
. displayed In our showroom. Let us uuote
j yoU prWca. Illustrated catalogue free.
I, A. Montgomery, Astoria.
1
!1
: THE UNION OAS ENGINE COMPANY :
Marine and Stationary Gas and Gasoline Engines.
rty (he PiiiiihI.
"Hollo, butcher! Wlmt's all thli
you're lup'3'iin; home?"
"Oh, only ahout twenty-five poundi
of education for my daughter!" File
gende lllatlur.
WE ARE NOW FILLING ORDERS
FROM OUR NEW WORKS. WRITE
US FOR PRICES AND ILLUSTRATED
CATALOGUE.
F. P. Kendall, General Sales Agent,
6i-66 Front St Portland, Ors.
Weinhard's
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BERc?
First National Bank of Astoria, Ore.
i:staiimsiii:i 1HHI.
Capital $100,000
Sherman Transfer Co.
'QENRY 8HERMAN, Mnnairer
4
Hacks, Carriage Rsfrgsge Checked snd Transferrsd Trucks ard Furnlturs
Wsjfon Pianos Moved, Iloxed snd Shipped.
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Phone Main 121