FRIDAY, JULY i j, ijcfl.
THE MORNING ASTORIAN, ASTOHIA, OREGON.
8
Fhe Vfhuness of
The Whenceness"
Hon. Anhmony JoWon of Alabama
Addresses the Limekiln Club and '
" Male i FiVOf able ImpreiMon.
.Copyright, 19W, by C, i, Mr. J ,
At th last r(fulr Huturdny night
meeting of the Limekiln club Brother
Gardner announced that tha lion. An
timony Johnson of Alabama was In
tlit tub-room dud would deliver an ad-
dres on "The Whynos of the Whence-
nos ' sua wouia anerwara innxo ap
plication for membership.
The stranger, It wue explained, was
called the colored philosopher of the
south, and mauy of hi wise saying
bad been given to tba world In. print.
Two more kerosene lampa wors order
id lighted, tha dog driven out from I
I MAPI HI m TO THl AIDIX1CE
bind the stove, and ftnmuel Hulu wa
Informed that hi bronchial cough must
either b suppressed or turned out of
door. Tba' reception committee then
proceeded to tlx) anteroom and escort
d ths" orator In.
Tba rion. Johnson appeared to be a
man about forty years old. He waa
wide between the' eye, baldheaded,
nnd hl toe turned la. Ila waa' a on
etory man, bunt on tha pattern of a
cak of artificial ico-the sam i breadth
all tha way up and'down-and bla ae
rtous' look showed that be bad' delved
deep Into the myatorlea of Ufa. Aa be
mad bla bow to tba audience be bad
a closed umbrella In bta left band,
while bla right wai laid on bla heart
The Impression ha made waa rather
favorable, though Olveadam Jonea
whispered to Bbludlg Watkloe that bla
entire cmp of cucumber taut year wa
atolvu by Just such a man.
"Outdoah tonight" auddouly began
the philosopher, "dnr am moonlight
Whyl Why ain't It dark aa a black
dawg under do wood ahedl What am
de moon composed of? What waa It
bung in de beavena for? Whar does
It come from when It cornea an' wbnr
doe It go to when It goes? If de moon
am a good tiling, why not bava It all
de time instead of only half? If It
don't amount to abucka, why bava It at
all? Did you ebber atop to as your
solve dee question, or have you eat
around on de fence an' taken no Inter
t In de mysteries around you?"
While, moat of tba members of tba
club wero eon f owing to themaelvee
that they had not attcudoU to tha moon
Diwinraa wiiu any art-ui vigor,
apeakcr drew a long breotb and con
tlnuedi ' 1
"You wake up aoma night out of a
sound Bleep. All am quiet You can't
aay what disturbed your alumbera.
You git outer bed. Yon don't know
why you do, but out you git You go
to de donb an' look tip an down. All
am at atlll a de grave. De ole, wo-
mnn, do chU'cn on' de dnwga contlnner
to sleep on, but you put on your clothes
an' step out Into de night
"You don't know what for nor whith
er you am gain', but de fust thing you
know you have walked a mile, climbed
ober a fenco, selected de biggest water
milium in iiu iilll'u uuu aui vu jvui
1111 I. Jk aim Afl (
wny home ng'ln. How does de bow
neB of de wblchnesa come about? Why
do you eat half dat million befo' wakln'
de fnm'ly tip? Why didn't you go de
odilor way an' alt on do cnurcn steps
Intttead of toward de million patch?"
There were suppressed eiclnmatlons
of "Yum! Yum!" among the old vet
erans In the audience, but, they also
shook their heads In a puzzled way
and whispered to each other that Mr.
Johnson wati too" deep for them.
'A few evenings oro, down In Ala
bama," snld tho orator, us he got a bet
ter hold on the platform with his toes,
"I sot In my study tblnkln' things, ober.
Not a moftso stirred. Not a dawg un
der de bed sighed. re wbrW slept. Of
a sudden I had a feolln' 1 1 1 wns bc!n'
taken out of dls sphere mi' tr'nnsparted
into another; ' It was n slmtihcrous,
pleasant feelln', an' I gave up n It.
"After nn hour had panned I awoke.
I was out In de kitchen ta'.Un' off u:y
muddy shoes. A bng.lny nt r.iy f et
and I lifted It arid enlptloj ,t! eontents
out on fle poan. imr ;was ronr r:ir
hens. I can't bev suah'jest what took
plnca when I was In, de stnfe spoken
of. but It's my belief dkt'l w'etit m de
alley four blocks.4 cVmbod oj)or a :n.w
ilfi
and Broke 0kfli"a nlnn't lietlcoop.
"Of co'ne I had do old woinnn make
not pit of d chickens, but will soma
of you tell ma how da whyness of da
whencvneai cama aboutT Tfnd a potto
idhu found ma wld dat bag on my
shoulder .should I bnrs teen held le
gally responsible?"
Tb (oimminu of oplulou seemed to
l that he shouldn't, a.id wbun tlio ora
tor was satisfied as4o this be weut ou:
r "What; am lub? , You pas? JO.000.
women and gib nous o' 'em a se(ond
look, ' You don't koerVcopper whettwif
dey am old or young, good lookln' or
homely. All of a sudden you meet
your fata. You coma face to fate wld
a woman who gibs you a look and a
imllo, aud a crowbar woms to Jab you
to de heart. You fuller her, You find
out who she aw. : You call and tell bur
dt you can't lib wldout her. In a
week or d you are married, aud you
find alio 1ms seben hundred dollars In
da snvlnga bank? What about de
wbenceuMS of do whatness? Why did
you do ItT Why dldu't you git on a
freight train and beat your way down
to d New Orleans races lnntead?
:, "You am sit tin' on do fence of a sum
mer's iiiuwuln', Jest aa you bava sot a
thousand times befo'. You am wtsblu'
your tickol in de lottery would strike a
prbw of a mlllyott dollers. Jest as you
bnve wished ten thousand times befo'.
Im flour aud de 'Uteri and bacon am
out, and de" ole woman needs sbJes.
You am wonderin' if It hurts much to
tat 'nuff baked possum to kill you
when a lightning rod man drives up
and offers you a Job at one hundred
per month and paya fifty In advance,
"Who or what sent dat man dere?
Why didn't ha take another road? Why
didn't bti wagon break down bso It
got to you? Why wasn't you In de
back yard Jawln' wld do ole woman?
We kin all seo do wbyness of de
wbenceness, but what subtle power
brung It about?
"I-ant year," continued the orator,
after moUtimlug bis Hps with two
glasses of cider from the pitcher. "I
was In Jail In my native state. I was
out In de woods studyln' da habits of
do raaorbacked bawg when a con
stable came along and gathered me In.
I waa aent to Jail for thirty days. It
was claimed dat I had run dat hawg
so fur and so fast dat be had dropped
dead. After I bad spent ten days In
Jail, and one night when I was slttln'
and tblnkln' of de mlllyons and mill
yon of men wbo bad returned to dust
a voice whispered In my ear, Try de
wlnderr
"Dar waa nobody but m In de JaUL
De voles could hart come from no liv
In' person. Why should I try de win
der Instead of de doab? Why should I
try anything? I did, boweber. I walk
ed ober and tried de bars of de win
der and fwind 'eta leosa, a&d tan min
utes later I was free. In gwine down
de street I picked up a wallet wld $200
In it, and I reached da depot Jest aa
a train wa leavtn' fur Montgomery.
nowdo yon account fur it? Wby.de
whatness o: ue wnynetsT wny man i
de roof of de Jail cave In and kill me
Instead?
"My fren's,n said Mr. Johnson aa he
tunked on tha floor with bla umbrella
to emphasise his words, "I don't say
dat you all should be philosophers,
kase de real philosopher, am bo'n to
da business and can't be a success wld
out, but I am axlu' yon to pay mo' at-
tenshun to de things of life. Study Into
da why of de whyforea.
"You have Jest pssRed a mew! stand
ing hitched to a post You bare passed
In safety. Do person behind you am a
fat .woman. De mewl kicks out and
lands her ten feet away. Why?
"You go to a grocer to whom you are
In debt olid order half a pound of tea.
lie amlles and puts It up for you. Da
very next day you go back to de very
same man and order half a pound of
coffee, and be says he'll be banged If
you kin have It. Why?
"What brung about da wblchnesa of
de wbenceness)
"Think, ponder and atudy and don't
let these things git de best of yoo all
do time. And now, thanking you fnr
your metrtcloua and alluvial attensbun
and hopln' to bo one of you ere long, I
make my bow and respectably wish
you farewell." M. QUAD.
A Oennlaa Relief,
Mr. Toots' (who, after three days of
pain, has made up his mind to have a
tooth out)-Is Dr. Pullen in?;
Page4-No, air. ; , i
Mr. Toots (with fervor) Good I That
la fortuuato! . '
Horticulture.
Knlcker-rDoe? your wife have yon
water tho plants while she Is away?
Booker Yes. I Jtist put them under the
place where the bathroom floor leaks.
New York Sun.
The truly proud man knows neither
luperlors nor Jnferlors.-r-Hailltt .
PRETTY SUBURBAN HOME.
Uh Kverr latyrevemeai
vaaUace Cet 3,000,
(Copy) tit, 1906. br flUnly A. Dennis, 94
t Srosdwav, Nw York.
Wa Wewltti present to our readers
a design and plans for a handsome lit
tle boms at low cost. The design can
be executed eltlier on a large or a small
lot, which makes It very desirable to
those wishing to build In or pear towns
where land values are blgn. Tha de
sign Is Intended for a high lot, but can
te usod on a level one with equal re
sult, i
Tha frame Is of yellow plno put to
gether In balloon style. Tha walls are
WONT XLIVAT10N.
sheathed, papered, sided and shingled.
The ptaiza columns are of cypress fin
ished In the natural wood.
The main roof Is covered with ran
dom width cedar shingles or laths.
The windows are fitted with outside
blinds and bung with modern binges
and hooks. ( , i i i
The Interior wail are plastered with
two coats of common lime and balr
riBST FLOOR PLA5.
mortar put on thick. The walla are
then white finished with lime, putty,
wblta sand and plaster of parts. The
floors are of narrow yellow pine. The
trim throughout Is of cypres fixushed
in tha natural wood, with ona coat of
fillers properly, rubbed down smooth
and two coats of bard oil finish.
Tba main stairs are of aab, with
turned newels, balusters snd molded
band rails, finished natural The man
tela are of quartered oak, with plats
glass mirrors, tile facings and black
summer pieces. The dresser In the
dining room baa drawers, closets and
SXCORO VL00K FLAW.
shelves to suit and glass doors on top,
glased with small lights of cathedral
glasa.
i Tbo hard wars la of plain Imitation
bronze, with metal knobs and com
bined rosea and escutcheons. The kitch
an contains full modern plumbing and
fixtures. The bathroom has a marble
wash baaln and a steel clad bathtub
with oak rim. The exposed piping Is
nickel plated. The house Is piped and
fitted with gas fixtures. Everything is
done and finished in a first class, work
manlike manner at a cost which should
not exceed $2,000 under favorable con
dltlona. Sneetlng.
Sneezing Is the best brain clearer
known.' Many persons conclude an
attack of falntness or fainting with a
violent sneeze. ;Our ancestors took
snuff from a belief In tho efficacy of
sneezing. But tobacco so taken Is In
part absorbed Into the blood and hurts
the-. system... Tickling tho nostrils with
a feather or straw will act as well as
taking snuff. Try It when you feel
faint It cannot do harm,
After the Haea.
Owner (Irately) Yes, If jou badnt
stopped to take up that girl In your
machine you would have won the race.
You were beaten by a mile, Chauffeur
Well, you know a miss Is as good as
a mile. Chicago News.
A BMatake. ' v
: Hewitt Will you watch my5 trunk
for a minute? Jewett What do you
take me for, a chest protector? New
York Tress.
. , .. Soar Grapes. ,
Mary Pa has forbidden, you the
bouse. John-r wouldn't, bave taken It
anyway with1 the mortgage he baa got
on it
. jBasasan
ife lihrri . fttn -
ummlii m
M I
NEVV ENGLAND TAVERN 3. "
Bench aai llcadr Llqaa Laws af a
Barlr Darn.'
In the early settlement of New Eng
land taverns were found to t a neces
sity, and hence were established by
law. They were usually under the sanc
tion and surveillance of the town offi
cials, says Mr. Hudson in "The History
of Concord, Mass.," and these official
bad to grunt, limit or revoke an Ion-
holder's license, either as a victualler
or a seller of llrjuor. 7
Tho keir of the ordinary might bs
a deacon, a military ofllf-er, a civil offi
cial or n deputy to the general court
His bonne was a convenient place for
convocations, Important or unimpor
tant, and tlc.-re might be held In It a
parish meet lug, a military election, a
comic.') of clergymen or an assessors'
talk- . '
Ho Important was the ordinary that
Its affairs, such as the intabllsbment of
prices, the limitation of patronage and
the quality and quantity of goods to
.be sold, were regulated by colonial law.
In order to discourage tbo uso of
strong drink. At thene place It was en
acted about' K13-1 by the colonial court
that not over a penny a quart should
be charged for all purchased , out of
mealtimes. It was also ordered that
not more than a penny a drink should
be charged for any beverage. This was
dot)o to make the business of dramsell
lug unprofitable. At another tlma it
was enacted by law that every Inn
keeper should sell good beer, "lest a
traveler for want of It might purchase
wlne. :
A law was paWd at an early date
by which a person appointed for the
purpose could Join a drinking company
at' a tavern and counterniuud oy or
der made by any member of It for a
drluk In case be hollered the member
was drinking too much, and be could
also direct bow much liquor could ba
drunk.
At one time no tavern keeper waa al
lowed to permit guests to remain at
bis house "tippling In an idle way."
In V'M a penalfy was enactal for rude
singing at Inns, and the court, also
undertook at one time to determine
bow much a man might drlak without
being considered drunk.
POETRY IN MACHINERY.
Clarloa Work of the Moa'arai Beeper
rit Saajei-t Far Art.
Toetry and art bave these many
years pictured the lubors of men and
women In the harvest field. From
Ruth, the gleaner, to Millet's "Reaper
wa have read the long, melancholy sto
ry of the tollers gathering with crude,
wasteful, idhuman hand tool the crops
of tha world that the nations might
have bread. Rightly understood, these
two women, living so far apart art pa
thetic monuments to the astounding
stupidity that could permit such things
when, as we now see, by taking thought
a machine can release humanity from
such senseless labor. With' a singular
perversity artists bave. delighted to
paint pictureof foolish toll. Even now
the critics tell us that neither the mow
er, the reaper, the thrashing machine
nor the sulky plow is a fit subject for a
picture.
Never was there a greater blunder.
The glory and majesty of our mighty
harvests, won for the feeding of the
world with so little labor that the vast
wheatflelds seem lonely, the smoking
clouds of chaff and straw blown high
In tho alrjrrom .whirring thrashers, the
TALK
oiv
TALCUM?
If irott ara buying- talk then tray
Anything; tha dealer may choosa
to say is "just as good."
If you are buying talcum, then
MENNEN'9 BORATE! TAL-
CUM ia the
which you can boy with satisfaction. f
Talk Is "cheap Talcum, however,
la sot so cheap, because it costs the
dealer more and makes hi profit less.
That's why be'd sooner sell yon talk
than "Ukum" of tbo Menncn Brand.
Don't be talked out of buying Mennen's
Bora ted Talcum, the only powder which
can be used with safety and satisfaction.
Have you tried MENNEN'S VIO
LET BORATED TALCUM TOILET
POWDER It's frazran t with the odor
of freh plucked Parma Violets,
For sale everywhere for 25 cents, or
mailed postpaid on receipt of price, by
GERHARD MENNEN CO., Ncw&rk, N. J.
"". "
4ap8ii d piiiujd aJBqj-ipus j
-J9pun pus unj oqn w)UbI put
od oq; r)VAS eiitpBin Sunsaustt eq
jo ojdo ffuiJidsni 'pueiS n udt(- iadsu (
aqi jo uos pus oiu 3)h Xq.vV 9ini '
q) jo 4inbu oq) ( juoq pus paqwau ,
fnnsB( pMi jjoqs 'pud m jo sapn
-nui pes on oiv siqou jno ci iaod ius
ic somo'ii JO out uouo, jo.jio p.upnnq
pno jtT-Ioaj Sd.oi3 v KSupdn
aaatM quuo umo eq) w.vo spwuqi
eHilwt?i'Si;oi o;jrj Zv.:.'.on qrjjp X'utia
eq) 'una sijj 0 i jo nUows eppi tuin
t.ttojd oi u utz;-cij oii c) Snyjjma
ssjop.,;,'u r.-nsi ,v? ffjiKtkw icaiS
Modest Claims Often Carry the Most
Conviction.
When Maxim, the famous gun inven
tor, placed his gun before a committee of
judges, he stated its carrying power to
be below what he felt sure the gun would
accomplish. The result of the trial was
therefore a great surprise, instead of
disappointment It is the same with
Clismberlain's Colic, Cholera and Diarr- ,
hoe R?mely , They uot publicly boost
c! all this remedy will accomplish, but
prefer to let the user make the state
ments. Wbtt they do claim, U that it
will positively cure diarrhoea, dysen
tery, pains in the stomach snd bowels
snd has nmr be a known to fail . For
sale by Frank Hart letding druggists.
f. V T
I With two packaw 70a eta V
I nukeaaaUoaof Dnllclona -E
lea Cream In 10 minute. 1
f XnrTUiiBbattlMkarid 1
I -Bilk la the package. ' I
I. a packaKa SS amis ,lf
acara
Field.
IS OUR FIELD, AND WE COVER IT.
Our field is the district tributary to the
mouth of the Columbia River. . We pene
trate into all the outlying districts, -into
lumber camps and isolated neighborhoods.
The business of these places belongs to
you, and it is worth going after.. .Space in
THE MORNING ASTORIAN is reason
able; contract for some and let these out
siders know that you are still in business at
the old stand. 'You may have a "grouch"
but that won't, get .business; forget it.
Let the people know what you have to sell;
they may "forget" or have "forgotten"
THE ONLY PAPER ON THE LOWER
COLUMBIA. HAVING ASSOCIATED
PRESS SERVICE ,; .
tJERRitSCaN
onlr preparation.
-alW f Sot
"IT SAVED MY LIFE"
PRAISE FOB A FAMSSS
Jfrt. WIlladMB Ttlls Kow Sbt Tried Lydlg
C. nakbaa'a Vagafabbj Csnpoaod Jut
In Tlaaa. .
Mrs. T. CL Willadaen, of Manniog,l
Iowa, writes to Mrs. ilakham:
Dear Mrs. Pliikhan- - ; ' :;
"I can truly say that you bava saved my
Ufa, and I eaaaot express my gratUad ts
yoaiaworos.
1 ft
"Before I wrote to you, telling yen how I
fait, I had doctored for orr two yean tUeAy
and spent loU of moosy on mUciae bwidsa,
bot it ail failed to be!p me. Mr monthly pa
riods bad ceased and I stiffend much pain,
with fainting tpells, headache, backache and
baaring-dowo pains, and I was so weak I
eouU hardly kap around. As a last resort
I decided to write you and try Lydia E. Fink
ham's VeeetaUa Compound, and I am so
bealtk Had it not bera for yem I would be
In my grmva to-day.
" I tiiicerelT trtut &at thl letter may Itad
ovary cuffeHng woman in ths ooantry to
' write you for help as I did."
I When women ara troubled with b
regular or painful periods, weakness,
dip lace men tor nice ration of an organ,
" that bearing-down feeling, infiammar
tion, backache, flatulence, general da
bllity, indigestion or nervous proatra
tion, they should remember then Is
ona tried and true remedy. Lydia E.
Pinkham's Vegetable Compound at one
removes such troubles.
No other female medicine In tba world
has received such widespread snd un
qualified endorsement Eef use all sub
stitute s.
For 25 years Mrs. FInkbant, daughter
in-law of Lydia E. Plnkham, has under
bar direction, and since her decease,
been advising sick women free ai
charge. Address, Lynn, Mass. .
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lmfm4Jnn whirh von ami ma firaa at all
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