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About The morning Astorian. (Astoria, Or.) 1899-1930 | View Entire Issue (May 16, 1906)
WEDNESDAY, MAY H, ,906. THE MORNING ASTOMAN. ASTOIIIA. OREGON. The Kicker's Horse Editor Gets Even Tued ol Working For $9 Per, H Takes Advantage p( HrlWi Ab sence and Shows Him Up. lCopyrlhl, IM, by ft. C. Faroalls J NOTK to the Pul.ll...-We ire no! lie edltur of the Kicker, the Muffer ant! blowhard wlio la hi-aid from week to week, but tne horse alitor, who haa been grind f bla lift out for tlm princely salary iwr and la now left in eluiree while tin oilier man la eloshln around the rnuntrj, It I the only . hame bat tiaa cdtuo to da to g.-t even, nud we promptly take advantage of it. If it don't take Jim (,.Uo a wholo year to Mplalu away rrtnlii thins we lira go TIIK MOIIHK KMTOH AT WORK. Ing to print lu I liU column today, then we will drop tlm burm bualiu-ss and lufomo a hu if rower. Head: Wo have been sktd to subscribe 100 toward building a IUpilt church In (Jlvcaduni (Julib. We won't give 25 cent If they manage to get a church hern wo shall take sreat uleaa ure In burning It down and In chewing the eara off any gnlool who cornea round aiktng quetlotu. (Won't the editor bop when he reada the above! Hla mother belong to the Baptist he lief.) While thero am aeven ao called doc tore In tbla town, all of them are audi arrant quacka that we wouldn't trust tbem to pull a thorn out of a dog'e foot The only real M. 1. in the lot la Hr, FergUNon. The othera ought to be rid den out of town on a rail. (Dr. Fergu aon I the biggest quack of all. The ed Itor will have a droit with the other all.) If the poMliiiamcr general bud the lu teresta of tbla community at heart ho wouldn't be over fifteen minutes re moving the gnlot who linn held the po altlon of pnsl muster for the Inst three years and who hn been nnythlrig but a credit to the service be represents, Ilounco hlii) out. and the quicker the better! (Aa the editor 1m ulao the pout master, the above will come to him red hot.) Tbo lilue II11I ltunner aaka If there la a Nero lu Arizona. There la, aud bla unmo la Jim IIcIIho. editor of this pa per and mayor of tbla town. lie fee la that be carries the whole territory In bla vest pocket and thut no one elite baa uny right. Why don't the people rebel and bang him to the nearest limb? (That's plum center, Jim, aud how do you like It?) Tbo editor of tbla paper announces the circulation of the Kicker to be about 4,000,000 and gaining at tbo rate of 50,000 a week. The true flguree ore 1,250, and he hasn't put on aeven new subscriber In a year. Advertlaera can depend upon these (Igurea bolug posi tively correct. (Sorry to give the editor nwny, but we can't do any lying on fU per week. lie should have come up to our figures when wo asked him to, lu stead of saying (but the honor alone was worth 20 per week.) Tbo only theater la this town Is a ramshnckle old barn of a place, lufest ed with rats as big us Jack rabbits, and nny theatrical company that would play an engagement In It deserves to bo Phot off the stago. Don't let the wily owner deceive you. (The above thentor Is generally referred to by the editor, who owns It, us Ilellso's Opera House. Everybody else refers to It as n Hellso of a place.) Tbo editor of the Kicker has always tuado a great udo about his guns and the way he blulTs this and tbnt one. We know it to bo a fact that bis nat ural weapon Is n club and tbnt when lie meets up with a shooter bo Is reudy to take a back seat at once. No one need be nfrnld of him. It is true that FerKldni mm WViiirrtv and Bladdir Troublis RELIEVES IN 24 Hours ALL URINARY DISCHARGES Each Cap ulo benri(MIDY) UienameCV V- Btuort ofeounUtftiti: rorinle bynlldnwKlntfc b owns two did guns, but thsy ar tntlrely for show, (Tbere'i our fT. house, Jim. Daro you call it?) On varloua occasion the editor of this paper ha referred to hla esteemed contemporary of the Lop Horn aa a driveling old Idiot who graduated from I cheese factory and whose weekly Journal bad circulation of less than 400. We take this opportunity to say that Mr. Titus Is a learned man tod baa fine form and an Intellectual face. Io fact, there la nothing of tb tough or the loafer about blm, and bla circulation la largely In eicesi of thai of the Kicker. (No thank for this, Mr. Ilellso. We owed It to you.) The Pine Hill IteuUter suuuet lm. ginning the new yesr by hanging Jim lieuso, tlie conceited a who fondly Imagines that ho will be governor of this territory some duv. It Is an Idea tha,t will bo favored by all who know htm, Including hi oihVe force. (As homo editor we would willingly sacri fice two weeks' salary to see the boss at the end of a rope.) When n mini came hero from (.'blcas-o the other week to see about nn electric light plant for (Jlveitdsiii Culcb he took one good look ut tbo Insignificant being who holds the ofhVe of mayor and left town without broaching the subject, Can't wo have a man Instead of a thing for mayor? (As .llni Ilellso thinks be Is about the perk lent thing that ever came out of the box the above will be a terrible rub on blm.) It ha more (tutu once been hinted that the editor of the Kicker got bis advertising by belting on bis guns and talking lu a bull voice to business men, who gnve tn to blm under the Idea that It wim i;.ini':'oi: i to oppoiiM him. Those are bis no iho.lx i xin tiy. We have been hi horse editor for two year and ought to know. We know further, and that I Hint If business men Kuve blm the boot bo would mil -iik away like a whipped Mir. No one tthoiild have the alighted! fear of lihn. (That's another one we owed you, Jimmy.) The editor of the Kicker hn had the unmitigated gull on various occasion to announce that be inennt to be a can didate for the next prodldcucy. No one should lake blm seriously. He couldn't curry hi own ward If be was running for countable. Jt I simply soother specimen of bis check. (Tills will make you squirm, Jimmy, but you know we are telling the truth i A telephone message has Just reach ed the Kicker office (tint the editor la coming home snd only Ave miles away. For obvious reason we do not care to meet blm. and we therefore fold pur tent and ft ready to move to otter fields. It Is the last of our 19 per, and we don't know where our wandering boy will sleep tonight, but we have had our opportunity mid taken advantage of It. and now let the galled Jade wince and the limping lion roar, (loodby to all, a fond goodhy. M. Ql'AI). ! NOTICE FOR BIDS-BIDS ARE HERE by asked for clearing all trees and brush oo road No. 100 from point of beginning to John Day Station to a width of forty feet. Bida to bt filed with the County Clerk on or before May 23, ItKXJ. Work to b paid fop whan completed and aooeptei By order of ths County Court. J. C. CLINTON, Count Clerk. Astoria, Or., May 3, 1900. Are You Up to the Hark? If not feeling as well as you should, do not make the mis take of letting your health take care of itself. Resort to Beechams Pills Bold Everywhere. In boat 10c. and 2Cc mm Darin the Itrrord Race. The dark goggled, leather Jacketed chauffeur lowered his bead like a ram and chuckled with glee. "We are now going at luO miles an hour!" be shrieked. "firent Hercules!" gasped the novice nt bis Hide, "Idirt there n chance of an accident?" "Fear not! lton't you see that we carry emergency tires?" "I -I know, but 1-I'd feel better If we bad a few emergency arms and beads ulong." Dut the chauffeur luughed demoniac ally and turned the curve on one wheel Chicago News. Cheap al the Price. Old Mrs. Mulllns was pretty rich, but rather parsimonious. She attended church regularly, but what she put Into the collection plate was hardly worth mentioning. One Sunday at dinner after the old lady bad returned with her small grandson from the morning service her daughter asked the natural question, "How was the sermon V "Poor," said (iraudmn Mulllns cm- phatlcally. "Mighty poor." "nut, grandma," snld the little boy, "what could you expect for a cent?" Woman's Home Companion. WILL CURE any case of KIDNEY or BLADDER DISEASE that is not beyond the reach of medicine. No medicine can do more. WAS 6IYEH UP TO DIE, B. Spiegel, 1204 N. Virginia St., Evansville, lad., writes: "For over five years I was troubled with kidney and bladder affections which caused me much pain and worry. I lost flesh and was all run down, and a year ago had to abandon work entirely. I had three oi the best physicians who did ma no good and I was practically given up to die. roiey e juaney cure was recommended ana the nrst Dottle gave me great relief, and after taking the second bottle I waa TWO SIZES, 50c AID $1.00. SOLO AND RECOMMENDED IT CHARLES SOGERS, DRUGGIST. TIDE TABLE, MAY MAY, loofl. High Water. A. M. P. M Date h.m. ft. h.m. ft. Tuesday 1 587.2 7:02 6.6 Wednesday 2 6:38 6.9 8:04 6.9 Thursday 3 7:85 6.8 9:01) 7.4 frMay 4 0:00 7.0 0:53 7.9 Saturday 5 10:14 7.2 10:40 8.4 SUNDAY 611:13 7.7 11:24 8.9 Monday 12:07 7.9 Tuesday 8 0:08 9.4 12:59 8.0 Wednesday 0 0:50 9.7 1:50 7.9 Thursday 10 1:34 0.7 2:40 7.8 Friday 11 2:20 9.5 3:85 7.6 Saturday 12 8:09 0.1 4:83 7.4 SUNDAY 13 4:02 8.5 5:32 7.3 Monday 14 5:03 7.9 6:34 7.2 Tusday 15 6:14 7.3 1 7:381 7.3 Wednesday 16 7:31 6.9 8:30 7.5 Thursday 17 8:44 6.8 0:20 7.8 FiiOlay 18 9:50 6.8 1011 8.0 Saturday 1910:46 7.0 10:55 8.1 SUNDAY 20 11:35 7.011:31 8.3 Monday 21 12:17 7j0 Tuesday 22 0:02 8.512:07 7.0 Wednesday 23 0:83 8.5 It 34 7.0 Thursday 24 1:02 8.5 2:10 6.0 Friday 25 1:33 8.4 2:47 6.9 Saturday 26 2:05 8.4 8:25 J SUNDAY 27 2:42 8.2 4:(02 6.8 Monday 28 3:23 8.0 4:48 6.9 Tuesday 29 4:10 7.6 6:38 7.0 Wednesday .....30 6:05 7.1 6:29 7.2 Thursday 31 6:13 6.7 7:24 7.6 MAY, 1906. Low" Water. " A. M. 1 M. Date. I h.m. I ft. Tuesday . Wednesday Thursday . Friday ... Saturday . SUNDAY . Monday . , Tuesday . Wednesday Thursday . Friday . . . Saturday . SUNDAY . Monday . . Tuesday . . Wednesday Thursday , Friday . . . Saturday . SUNDAY . Monday . . , Tuosduy . , Wednesday Thursday , Friday . . . Saturday , SUNDAY Monday . . Tuesday . Wednesday Thursday , 1 2 0:57 3 2:09 41 3:12 51 4:14 01 5:08 71 5:59 8 6:41 3.0 3.5 2.8 2.0 1.1 0.3 -0.4 91 7:35-0.9 .10 8 .111 9:15 .1310:07 . 1311 :02 .14. 0:38! 1:551 SiOOJ 4:00 4:50 0:36 6:17 6:52 7:24 7:55 8:24 8:50 9:32 28110:10 2910:56 3011:43 31 9:30 h.m. 12:15 1:17 2:21 3:24 4:20 5:151 6:07 6:53 7:401 23-1.1 6:29 ..15 ..16 .17 ..18 ..191 ..20 .21 .22 ..23 .24 ..26 -1.1 -0.9 -0.3 '3.4! 3.2 2.7 2.0 1.0 1.1 0.7 0.3 Oil 0.0 0.1 ou 0.0 0.2 0.5 0.0 3.6 9:20 10:20 11:25 12:00 1:03 2:051 8:05 4:00 4:501 5:37 6:118 6:62 7:22 7:54 8:25 9:01 9:44 10:34 11:20 12:37 ft. 11 1.3 1.4 1.6 1.0 1.6 1.7 1.9 2.2 2.5 2.9 3.2 3.4 0.2 0.7 11 1.8 2.0 2.3 2.6 3.0 3.3 3.5 3.6 3.7 3.8 3.9 3.8 1.3 A Wonderful Book of 400 Pages www V I Wt I w rKANCISGO inisfcCK iki 11 w n n www w. ran Thoroughly Illustrated By 265 Actual Photographs Taken at the time of the Awful Catastrophe This great book which retails at 1.50 and so much desired by every one is now offered as a premium with Ttie Morning' Astorian In order to get the Book subscribe for the MORNING ASTORIAN at the regular subscription rate, 65c a month and 50c addditional to cover cost of express age. Old subscribers can get this book by paying the additional charge of 50c. Only a limited number of books will be given awaycome early and avoid the rush. 4