FRIDAY, MAY 12, 1905, THE MORNING ASTOIUAN, ASTORIA OREGON. 0Y A. G I M R BALL. E Call t The Astoria Restaurant. ASTORIA IRON I WORKS JOHN FOX, Fret, and Sort. A L. FOX, Vlee Pres. F L WallOP. Secretary ASTOIil A HAVINGS BANE, Treu Designers and Manufacturers of THE LATEST IMPROVED Canning Machinery, Marine Engines and Boilers Complete Cannery CORRESPONDENCE SOLICITED. Scow Bay Iron 8 Brass Works Manufacturers of Iron, Steel, Brass and Bronze Castings. General Foundryinen and Patternmakers. Absolutely firstclass work. Prices lowest; Phone 2431 Comer Eighteenth and Franklin HOTEL PORTLAND The Finest Hotel PORTLAND Reliance Electrical Works H.W.CYUC8, Manager Sherman Transfer Co. HENRY &HERM AN, Manager Hacks, Carriages Bagtrag' Checked and Transferred Tracks and Furniture Wagous- Pianos 433 Comraerdi.1 Street ASTORIA SAVINGS BANK Capital l'alJ lo 1100,000. . Sarplm and Undivided Proflta 35.00C TransaeU a general banking builneaa. J. a A. BOWLBt, O. X. PETERSON. President Vioe President ' Cashier. . , Asst. Cashier J AS TENTH STREET, ASTORIA, ORE. The MORNING ASTORIAN 60 CTS. PER MONTH Astoria's Best Guarantees to its Advertisers a Lanier Circulation than any Paper Published In Astoria. Our BooRs are Open Our Advertisers Has always iu stock a ' fine assortment of Boots and Shoes BRAND RUBBER BOOTS. and See. - Bond Street. If you want a good, clean meal or if "you re in a hurry you should go to the , Astoria Restaurant Thil fine restaurant it thoroughly up-to-date In every Retail. . , EXCELLENT MEALS. EXCELLENT SERVICE J Outfits Furnlshe Foot of Fourth Street. Aitorla, Ore In the Northwest OREGON. We are thoroughly prepared for making estimate aud executing order for all kluda of electrical installing aid repairing. Buppltee in atock. We tell the Celebrated SIIELBT LAMP. Call op Phone 1 16L 428 BOND STREET Moved, Boxed and Shipped. Phone Main 12 Interest paid on time deposit. ' FRANK PATTON, J. W. OA NEB Newspaper to Inspection by STARTS A CAMPAIGN Bowser Gets Excited Reading Ar tides on Pure Food. THE COMMISSIONER'S REPORT Misconstrues Articles Appertaining to Pure Food and Goes to the Butoher and Grocer and Rale, a Ruction for Selling Adulterated Food.' M' Ik DOWSER bad come home in good nature and eaten beany dinner and found no fault, and Mra. Bowser was paring the way to ask him to drop In to a neighbor's with her for an hoar or two when he opened his erenlng pa per and bad scarcely glanced at the headings when he exclaimed: "By John, but they are at It again. are theyt" "What Is Itr was asked. "Did you read this report of the pan food commission)" "No." "Well, there are about a thousand men In this country who ought to be hung up by the neck without trial The commission reports that out of flfty-two articles of food examined each and erery one was adulterated. They did not find one single sample of beer, wine or whisky that was pure. Sugar, flour, coffee, tea, milk all were adulterated, and some of the Jama and BIB, I AH OBLIGED TO CALL TOO A BOOUHDUELT preserves were positively Injurious to health. I say Uiut those rascals ought to bo hanged." "Arcu't there laws against adulters' Hon?" anked Mrs. Bowser. 'Of course there are laws, but the scoundrcla innuago to evade them In one way or another, and they will con tluue to do so until more radical meaa urea are taken. Every uousenoiuer ought to go fur them with an ax." "1 wouldn't get excited about It If were you." How can I help It? Here Is a case where they found teu pounds of bone dust In fifty pounds of flour and an other where a package of supposed Java coffee contained not one ounce of the real thing. Can I help bat get ex cited when I read these things) Who knows what bones were ground np In that flour) Why, by thunder, they may bare been the bones, of that old horse that fell dead at our gate last sum mcr." "It Is dreadful, but I don't see what you can do about it" And bow much of that Impure food comes Into this bouno, Mrs. Bowser- bow much) You do all the marketing, and do you ever tako any palna to find out what la pure and what Is pal Boned)" "How can I) We want oatmeal and I buy a package. We want sugar and flour, and I buy them. How can I tell whether they bare been adulterated or notr "How can you). Uow can you) But It Is your business to find out these things. Bay, now, there's the keynote of the whole thing." "What thlngsr "The way Pre been feeling for the last five years. Pre laid It to rbeuma tlsm and a dosen other things, and Tre been examined by doctors and paid out hundreds of dollars, and nothing has helped me because Pre been a victim of food poison all the time. The possle Is solved at last" "But Pre eaten Just what yen have and have felt no 111 effects," she an swered. Thefe nothing to do with It Be cause you have a stomach like a horse It dont follow that I must have. Tea, Mrs. Bowser, for years and years you have been poisoning me with the food brought Into this bouse. And there's another thing-how much clear bone has been contained In the meat bronght Into this house In the last year?" "Why, how should I know?" "But It Is your business to know, Tou have a aet of scales In the kitchen, lias the butcher worked off a ton of clear bone on yon In the last twelve months bone that we have had to pay for at the rate of 20 cents pound r "Tou never told. me. to welghthe Me. and yb"n know thaf no Butcher wfll sell meat wfthwit some fmne."" 'Mrs. Bowaer, It was yonr btnlnww as overseer of this house to weigh ttmt bone and keep track of the amount, and that yon have not done so proves that yon have no care for my purse. Did yon ever ask the grocer whether the flour yon were ordering was pure or mixed with bone dustr "I-I don't remember.1! ; "Did you ever throw out bint that If we found sand In the sugar It would be the last order he would get?" "No. He would have felt Insulted." "Insulted be hangedl I'll make a Jit- tie trip around this neighborhood and see who'll feel Insulted. By the seven wall eyed cats, but If they think I'm going to stand for such things they'll have tbrtr eyes opened!" "What's the one of going around and raising a fuss when yon know It can't do any good) Let the government get after tnese men and punisa teem as they deserve." , "I'll show yon what good It'll do, and I am no man to wait for the govern ment when a thing la to be done." "Mr. Bowser, you are foolish. If yon will waif- , But he wouldn't He pulled on his overcoat and away he went The butcher was the first one visited. lie was leaning on bis cleaver and wonder ing bow many of the beads of the Chi cago meat trust wonld be sent to Jail when Mr. Bowser blew In and began: "Sir, I have paid yon hundreds and hundreds of dollars this last year for bones the bones of cows, steers, abeep and hogs and I'll be hanged If you get another cent out of me! Tou either send me clear meat or you get no more of my custom." "Tou give me a pain. Bowser." "What's that) Don't think to turn me off that way, sir. What with the adulterated food sold on every side and the old bones you ring In on ns the peo ple are being regularly highway robbed. If others want to stand It, well and good, but don't try It on me any long er. I'm patient and long suffering, but there comes a time at Iaat when the worm turns." "Tou'd better buy liver all the time. There's no bone In that" "And jfou'd better go out of the scoundrel bualneaa before you bring np Iff state's prison! When I want liver, sir, I will buy liver. Good night sir!" There was no doubt In Mr. Bowser's mind that he bad given the butcher a good polishing off and there' would be no more bone sent with his orders, and his next visit was to the grocer's. lie was given a pleasant good evening, but In response be replied: "Sir, have you got one single article of food or drink in thla shebang which la not adulterated V "I think so." "Well, I don't Tou, sir, have been killing me by slow degrees for the last five years, fcvery article Mrs. Bowser has ordered from you baa sapped ,t my health. Tou have - known right along that you had bone dust In your flour, aand In your sugar and chicory In your coffee, and yet you bave war ranted them pure nnd wholesome. Sir, I am obliged to call you a scoundrel!" "There are certain things I can rec ommend," quickly replied the grocer, who knew pretty well how to take his mnn. "I don't believe It I don't believe you con show one thing which aomo unhung scoundrel has not tampered with. "There are the potatoes, turnips and onions." "Don't beg fe question, air. I called here to say that the next time you send me adulterated goods I will take your trail and follow It until the doors of prison close upon you." "I will try to do better, Mr. Bowser." "See that you do, air see that you do. It Is only now and then that I take the law Into my own hands, but when I do such men aa you want to look out for me. Don't drive me to the dead line, air." There was another place to be visited. and Mr. Bowser walked In on the coal man, who was, at work on his books, and said: - Sir, In the last year yon have cheat ed me out of hundreds of dollars by sending me ahort weight." Sir," replied the coal man as be laid down his pen, "you are an Infernal liar!" "What! What!" . "An Infernal liar, sir!" They went outdoors together and bad struggle for life. At the finis of it Mr. Bowaer was borne homeward at the hands of two men, and when they reached the front door one of them said to Mrs. Bowser, who answered the ring: "Are you the wife of Mr. Bowser)" "Tes, sir." "Short, fat, baldheaded man who la always kicking)" "Tea." "Then here he Is, and you'd better take him In at onee." M. QUAD. Aa Awful Jolt. Be Some men art only witty when they've bad a glass or two of wine. She According to that I suppose. yon never drank a drop In your Ufa. The Pledge, HEKEVEP. you have eroirt your fwurt an' hoped to die. an' 'en Tou so an' tell a aecret 'at yen aid you won't, an' when No mutter even If your sweetheart aats you to you tell What you have croet your heart about an' scored you'd kfp It w.-ll. You'll never get believed again, no matter what you do; -Nobody ever trusts you, ajf the boys all lay (or you Whenever you go flahta', an they turret go along. t?us If you croes your heart aa tall It Is a dreadful wrong. Onet Henry Bom la told ma of a little boy ha knew Who croat his heart an hoped to die aa" ' swore he'd keep It true An' went an' told tho teacher what be croat his heart about 1st 'cus ha waa toady, an' the boys all , found It-out ' go's alter that they hated him, aif whea they're In a crowd Aa 'he 'ad com around they'd call him "tattle tale" out loud, , . ,. An all of 'em would go away, aa Henry Bands said ' He bet ha was so lonesome 'at he alxooat wlebed he's dead. 'Cus when you croes your heart It la to solumesteat thing 'At you can do, aa' evea If you was a mltey king Aa croat your heart aa' hoped to die you ' wouldn't nerrer daet To tell what some one told you, but you'd hav, to keep It faat Aa 'locked up In your secret breast till him 'at told you said He'd talc the cross offn your heart, or lee 'at he waa dead. An' "en It wouldn't matter, but as long as he waa mum Tou'd never daat to tell It even to your d parte t chum! J. W. Foley la New Tork Time Bow Cold Be BI Itf 1 Jimmy By Jove, Tm gittln' absent minded! I clean forgot to go to school terday!-New Tork World. Oeorgle'a Poetle Thoaght. Two three-year-olds, Frankle and Goorgrle, were one glorious spring morning admiring a magnificent bed of pansles npon which hundreds of bios aoms were turned to the eastern sun. The children were looking Into the pansy faces with tireless interest and delight when Frankle discovered a bud and exclaimed: "Here one am t dot ner eyes open yet" Georgle, bending over, examined it gravely, then In a voice full of sympa thy said: Toor little blind pansy!" Aa aa Offset. . "Why should governments Interest themselves In the healthfulness or un- bealthfulness of the food the people eatr asked the man with the thirst for knowledge. "For tne reason," replied tne man with the Information to give out, "that when wars, automobiles, and grade crossing accidents are doing eo much to reduce the population of the earth something has got to be done to main tain the equilibrium." Chicago Trib une. ; - ;; t ''' DtaappaJatitd. "Luck never managea things Just right," said the Irritable man who dis likes music. " "It might Just as well have been the other way around, but It wasn t" "What Is the trouble now?" "My daughter who plays the piano has a sore throat and the one who sings has a sore finger." Washington Star. Placing the Slant a. "Tills new form of spinal meningitis seems to baffle yon physicians." "Baffles la not the word, air. Nothing baffles a physician." . "But you dont seem able to cure Itr "Oh, that's an entirely different thrngt That's the fault of the disease, not our fault," replied the medlc-Cln- einnati Commercial Tribune. ' Aa tm the Mode. Walter Did you order beef a la mode, sir) Whltty (who has been waiting half an hour) Tea. What's the matter) Ilava you been waiting for the styles to change) Catholic Standard and Times, Aa Artfal Doda-ar. - Meeker Some of the stories Wlndlg tells are hard to believe. Blocker Oh, I manage to get around that all right by refusing to believe anything he sari. Chicago News. Want ads in The Astorlan always bring results. ,4 The Lady of the 1 Ou Gate and the Auto "r HOOTIXO the chutes may be fnn of the invigorating and Intense , kind," said the man who ha bad experience, "but it Is1 mild con pared with the fun of shooting tollgate In an auto. Coming from Tork to Lan caster on one occasion while catting across a corner of Pennsylvania a pair of ns whirled through every gate till we reached the final one at Lancaster. We had done It that way not because wv wiauau uj ueiroiKi mm roaa 01 urn righteous receipts, but because we got no response when we blew our bom for somebody to come out and collect the tolL We might have yelled "HeUof as the custom of the horse drivers was; but what did we have a born fort At the Lancaster gate we were met by a long and lank lady with a hatchet In her face and a broom In ber hand, and we should bave paused on aa before, but she looked forbidding. " '"'Hold op.' said she. ! "We're held np. said I, throwing ber a fetching smile that failed to fetch. " " 'Pay yonr toll,' said she. "Whyf said I. ' "'Because you won't get past this gate tin yon do,' said she, standing bo fore us with her broomacross her front as an obstructing sentry holds bis gun " They didn't charge us at any of the. other gates.' said I, hoping to make bet ashamed of herself by showing her bow uiucu mure agreenuio sou uoupiiauie ber fellow gatekeepers were. " 'Oh, didn't tbeyr she snapped at me. Then I'll Just collect for the whole road. I'm the boss.' "She was a truthful woman, whatev er else she waa, asd we had to whack np f or a string of tollgates about forty miles long. I may add that the lady seemed to think It waa quite eTnoefng. We didn't"-Xew Tork Press. . Anas mm thm Mmm. Scene A well known school of mus ketry. . ; Captain (to sergeant Instructor, ex plaining the theory and powers of the new short rifle to squad of officers) Tes, that's all very well, sergeant but I find It difficult enough to understand myself. How on earth am I to explain It to my men) Some of them are only halfwitted. Sergeant Instructor Just explain It to them the aame way as I'm explain ing It to you, sir! London Punch. ' - aeeoadiiaad. She Arthur, I want to make a con fession. He A confession! What Is It Dolly 1 She Fred Summers asked me for a klsa. He Tou don't mean to say you gave . him one) She It waa only one that yon gave me. I thought you wouldn't care. Tou con give me lota more, yon know. Boston Transcript Ber Rule of Hygrieaa. I took my young daughter Genevieve, five years old, to the doctor. When he asked her where she felt sick she said in her stomach. The doctor told her It was something she put In her stom: ach that upset her, so Genevieve Bald bravely: "Mr. Doctor, I never put any thing in my stomach. I alwaya put everything in my mouth." Health Reeort Note. Portrait of a gentleman taking the waters. Punch. Park and Wasbmgton, Portland, Oregon The School of Quality" MODERN, PRACTICAL, COMPLETE Opea all the year. Catalogue free ' A. P. ARMSTRONG LL. B.. PRINCIPAL Students May Enter at Any Time. In life Is yours If you meet us half way In your work. Our graduates ar all employed. We will place you In a position upon graduation, we have the reputation of being the leading Business College on the Pacific coast and the most thoroughly equipped west, of Chicago. Open all the year. Eend for our illustrated catalogue. Free. Bchnke-Wnlkcr Business College. Stearns Building, Portland, Oregon.