TUESDAY, OICIMIER 27, 1904.
THE MORNING ASTORIAN, ASTORIA, ORKGON.
7
HUMOR OF JAPAN
Joke That Amuse the Natives
of Dal Nippon.
PRESCRIBING WRONG THING
torn tampleo of Their Characteristic
' Funny Itorlee A Novtl Way of
Killing Burglars by the Um
of Spoon.
Id review of a collection of funny
stories called "Kokkel Hyaku Shows"
by Mr. Kubo Teudsul the Japan
Weekly Mall quotes the following a
tang pecullnrljr characteristic of Japa
nw humor: ' :
A certain government official who In
olden tliuea used to be called a "dalk
wan." but now ta known aa a "gun
cno" (lifiid of a district), having been
recently appointed to a certain district,
waa engsged In a tour of lunjnHon
rhen hla notice waa attracted by tue
''approach of an old uian who waa too
tipsy to walk atralglil
Wondering who tue Intoilcatcd man
could be, the dlatrtct officer actuated
blm and after much difficulty aecer
talned that be waa the bead of the
village which be bad come to Inspect
Thinking It to be his duty to make uae
of the occaalun for obtaining reliable
Information, the dlatrtct officer aaked
the toper how many bouses and bow
many people tbre were lu the village.
There are 100 bounce and, nialea and
females Included, ft) persona In the
village," replied the man. 1'uatled, the
officer asked. "How can that ber
"There la nothing wrong about that,"
replied the bead of the Tillage. "He
aide these sixty there are any amount
of ople lu the village, but aluce they
are creaturea who know not what It la
to drink they are not, I take It, worthy
of iH'lng mentioned."
Once upon a, time It happened that
flve or all burglnra, armed with
aworda and aboutlng like men attack
ing an enemy on the battlefield, came
bouncing Into the bouae of a certain
doctor. The whole household, with the
exception of the maater, were para
lyaed. They felt aa though Iron chains
bad been placed around them, and not
one of tliem moved hand or foot Tbey
watched In terror to eee what would
kappan, when, lo and behold, the rob
bers took thulr departure without
teallug a thing. Though they could
not tell what waa the meaning of this
atrauge pwiceedlng. certain It waa that
the family waa aafe. But where was
the head of the bouse I After search
ing through the rooms tbey found blm
In his dlspeuaary. There be stood In
the midst of the drugs, medicine spoon
in band, looking fierce and triumphant
"What are you doing berer Inquired
one of the members of hla household.
Smiling, he replied: "Those robbers
were perhaps aa noted aa Kuroaanka
Cboban, but they may thank their
stars that tbey have got off with their
Uvea! Had tbey pushed mattcra a tit
tle further and entered this dispensary
not oue of them would have left It
alive." Amused by this remark, on of
the membera of the family rejoined:
"Without a sword or a pistol bow
could you have killed these robbers?
dan you kill robbers with a spoon T
.Whereupon the doctor, with fine self
assurance, replied: "How many thou
sands of Uvea nave I taken by means
of this spoon I What to me are the
Uvea of five or tlx robbers? Lucky
The son of an extremely Illiterate
aant waa In the habit of bringing
lis coplea home day after day, bis
ybands and face covered with the Ink
that ahonM i have oone on hla CODV.
Thinking it well to exercise hla pater
nal authority over the lad even in re
gard to hla school lessons, tba father
one day commanded the boy to ahow
blm bis writing. Looking It over with
the air of an expert penman, he criti
cised various strokes: "Thla stroke is
too long; this on too short These two
strokes are too far apart," observed
the father.
"But," Mid, the boy, "the writing
master tells us to write them aa I have
.dona.'! ""Show me the copy," jerked
out the father. The boy produced the
oopy, which hla father began to ex
amine closely upside down. "Why,
you are holding it upside downl" ex-
' eJalmed the lad. Not to be beaten, the
father replied: "Don't be so conceited!
I am holding It for you to look at, of
coarse. Tou coald not read it were
it turned the other way. ' Listen to
what is said to yon and don't fancy
you know everything."
The above reminds us of story that
concerns Talra Ktyomorl. It la re
lated that In the time of the HelJI re
bellion the rebela attacked Klyomorl's
camD very suddenly one day. Loelng
bis presence of mind, Klyomori put
on hla armor in a great hurry, the back
part front Bome persona near pointed
out the mistake be bad made. "You
have put your armor on the wrong
v nf," tbey exclaimed. "It Is not so,"
calmly answered Klyomori. "Aa the
r -iror la coming behind I have put
on the armor so as to have the front
Drsrt facing blm. It would be impolite
o t ve the back part of one'a armor
a ' i en emperor." Without altering
t ! - i snt out to battle.
j-ne term "yabu" la applied to doe
tors wbo prescribe wrong medicines.
Now, It happened once that a quack
having been tbe means of killing the
only eon of a certain bouse, the par
enta determined to have tbelr revenge
on blm. Ro tbey sued blm at a court
of law. Tba affair waa eventually
patched up by the worthy quack giving
the bereaved parents bis own son in
return for tbe one be bad killed. Mot
long after this event tbe said quack
beard a loud knocking at bis door one
night On going to tbe door bo waa
Informed that one of his neighbor's
wives waa dangerously III and that
bis presence was required at once.
Turning to bis wife, be said: "This
requires consideration, my deer. There
Is oo knowing but that It may and
their taking yon from mo,"
""""'CAYENNE PEPPER. "
Try at Saaewlrh ( II If Teal Are
Treaties With laeeaaate.
"Did you ever try a cayenne pepper
sandwich r
Thla question waa aaked lady to
whom sleepless nlgbta were growing
to be an almost unendurable burden.
"Not that, but 1 bare tried about
everything else," waa tbe discouraged
newer, , "I don't suppose, however,
that It would do me any more good
than the thousand and one tblnga I
have tried."
"I have suggested tbe remedy to a
great many people similarly afflicted,
ind In every Instance good results have
followed. I wish you would let me
make you one."
Tbe haggard ' face of the aleepleaa
woman told Ita own story. She lan
guidly aaaeuted to bet friend's request
with little or no faltb In Ita efficacy,
yet willing, like the proverbial drown
ing man, to "catch at a straw" that
promised any relief.
A cracker waa forthwith produced
and quite generously buttered. A lib
eral eprlnkllug of cayenne pepper waa
then added, the two balvea put togeth
er and tbe patient requested to par
take of the spicy concoction.
Strange as It may aoem, but little
Inconvenience was experienced. The
slight smarting seiwntlon In the mouth
was soon over, and no unpleasantness
waa felt lu the stomach. Tbe cracker
was esti'n Just before retiring, and
very soon after the patient waa Bleep-1
Ing peacefully. I
The H'pper acted as a stimulant to
the stonmdi, drawing the blood from
tbe excited brain and Inducing a night
of more refrenblng sleep than had been
experienced for a long time. The rem
edy waa ri-cttted the next night with
the same remit. A csyenue pepper
sandwich Is much leaa harmful than
druga and wheu taken In small quan
tities la a good tonic for a weak atom
ach. Blck headache has also been known
to yield to a cup of hot water to which
have lieen added a generoua pinch of
cayenne, pepper and ft nip of soda aa
big aa a pea.-Table Talk.
The Splaalns Wheel la IrelaaO.
The spinning wheel and the flax
wheel are still found In the Irish cot
tages, where many a girl baa her wed
ding dowry or linen and bomeapun
made at borne. Although It la more
the tnek of the older women, there are
still girls who do their spinning stint
and lay by a certain amount for their
wedding outfit. A pleasant sight It Is
to see the elderly womeu outside tbelr
cottage doors spinning the flax or the
wool. Aa long as the weather la warm
the sturdy Irishwoman, old or young,
scorns roof except to sleep under.
The free air and sunshine are ber
choice, and the eweet aky la tbe fair
est roof.
Politics sad llaaaer.
In the world of politics the man who
would obtain political preferment must
be serious. No man who cultivates hu
mor to tho exclusion of hla other gifts
can hope to attain to the highest places
in tbe political arena. Tbe American
cltlsen reserves the Inalienable right to
vote for whom be wills, and tbe serious
man wbo suppresses his sense of hu
mor rather than the man wbo culti
vates it la honored with bis preference.
-Senator Chauncey M. Dcpew.
sperflaoss Details.
Caller (looking at plcture)-l)oee your
mamma paint? Little Son-Yes, but
she's through with that an' la puttln'
on the powder now. She'll be down in
a minute.
TIDE TABLE,
Low Water. A.M. P.M.
Date. hTmTft. h.m. ft.
Thursday .....I 1 1:03 1.8 9:12 t.l
Friday 2 8:07 1.7 8:17 l.S
Saturday 3 3:10 J.O 4:18 0.8
SUNDAY .... 4.08 8.1 :12-0.8
Monday 5 8:04 1.3 8:00-1.0
Tuesday 6 8:58 8.5 8:48-1.4
Tuesday 8
Wednesday ... 7 8:48 8.7 T:30-l.4
Thursday 8 7:30 8.8 8:13-1.8
Friday B 8:15 3.1 8:54-0.9
Saturday 10 8:00 3.3 9:32-0.4
SUNDAY ....U 9:45 8.410:00 0.8
Monday 12 10:34 8.410:50 0.7
Tuesday 13 11:30 3.511:30 l.S
Wednesday ... 14 12:32 8.4
Thursday 15 0:13 1.8 1:35 3.0
Friday 16 1:04 2.3 9:33 8.8
Saturday 17 2:00 8.6 3:30 1.8
SUNDAY ....18 8:00 2.9 4:18 1.1
Monday ....... 19 8:52 3.1 5:04 0.4
Tuesday 20 4:45 8.1 5:48-0.3
Wednesday ...21 5:37 3.1 8:28-0.8
Thursday 28 8:22 3.1 7:09-1.1
Friday 23 7:07 3.1 7:30-1.3
Saturday 24 7:52 2.8 8:30-1.1
SUNDAY ....25 8:37 8.8 9:15 - 0.9
Monday .......26 9:27 2.6 9:59-0.4
Tuesday 27 10:24 2.5 10:45 0.2
Wednesday ... 28 11:19 8.311:30 0.9
Thursday 29 ..12:38 2.0
Friday '... 30 0:34 1.5 1:49 1.6
Startling Evidence,
Fresh testimony In great quantity is
constantly coming In, declaring Dr.
King's New Discovery for Consump
tion Cougha and Colds to be un
equaled. A recent expression from T.
J. McFarland Bentorvtlle, Vs. serves
as example. He writes: 1 bad
Bronchitis for thrse years and doct
ored all the time without being bene
fitted. Then I began taking Dr.
King's New Discovery, and ft few hot
ties wholy cured me." Equally effec
tive In curing all Lung and Throat
troubles, Consumption, Pneumonia
and Grip. Guaranteed by Cbas. Rogers
Druggist Trial bottles free, regular
slsea SOo, and 11.00.
SPECIAL ANNOUNCEMENT.
The Baltimore A Ohio Rallread'a New
Through Servlee.
Effective November J7th. 104, and
thereafter, a new dally train will be
Inaugurated, leaving Grand Central
passenger station, Chicago, at 10:10
p. m for Akron, Cleveland, Youngs
town, Pittsburg and Intermediate
points, connecting at Pittsburg with
"Duquesne Limited" for Philadelphia
and New York, and with train No, 10
for Washington, D. C, and Baltimore.
This train will be equipped with
nret-claee day coaches, Pullman sleep
ers and dining car service.
On all through tickets stop-over will
be allowed at Washington, Baltimore
and Philadelphia, not to exceed 10 days
at each place.
For further particulars address,
" Peter Harvey, General Agent, Room
1, Hobart Bldg., San Francisco.
D. B. Martin, Manager Passenger
Traffic Baltimore, Md.
B. N. Austin, Geaeral Passenger
Agent, Chicago.
SKIN HUMORS '
BLO0DJUM0RS
Speedily, Permanently i
Economical!; Corel
by Cutlcura
VIIEIIALULSE FAILS
Complete External and
Internal Treatment
Price One Dollar
la the treatment of torturing, dlsflf
rlng, itching, scaly, crusted, pimply,
blotchy and scrofulous humors of tho
skin, scalp and blood, with loas of hair,
Cutlcura Soap, Ointment and Pills bavo
been wonderfully successful. Even the
most obstinate of constitutional hu
mors, such as bad blood, scrofula. In
herited and contagious humors, with
loss of bair, glandular swellings, ulcer
ous patches lu tbe throat and mouth',
sore eyes, copper-coloured blotches, as
weU as bolU, carbuncles, scurvy, sties,
ulcers and sores arUlng from aa Impure
condition of the blood, yield to tho
Cutlcura Treatment, when all other
remedies fall.
And greater still, If possible, is tba
wonderful record of cures of torturing,
disfiguring humors among infants and
children. The suffering which Cutlcura
Remedies have alleviated among tba
young, and the comfort they have af
forded worn-out and worried parents,
have led to their adoption In countless
homes aa priceless curatives for tho
skin and blood. Infantile and birth hu
mors, milk crust, scalled head, ecaema,
rashes and every form of Itching, scaly,
pimply skin and scalp humors, with loss
of hair, of Infancy and childhood, are
speedily, permanently and economically
cured when all other remedies sultabla
for children, and even the best phy
sicians, fall.
SoM throottxnt tht
ft Wm fil I llOMli.U
CHntn.nt, Re., Bap,tto.
Mq-i nil. ki m rm i" r.
In. rotter Uror im. urv., rwnw.-.
mr Sm Mt "m OrM Uamow Vara."
DECEMBER
High Water. A.M. P.M.
Date. h. m. ft. h. m. ft.
Thursday I 1 7:38 7.8 8:06l 8.4
Friday 2 8:34 8.1 9:17 6.8
Saturday 3 9:28 8.510:22 6.7
SUNDAY .... 410:19 9.111:19 7.0
Monday 511:04 9.2
Tuesday 8 0:11 7.1
Tuesday 611:50 9.3
Wednesday ... 7 1:00 7.312:33 9.3
Thursday 8 1:46 7.3 1:15 9.0
Friday 9 8:3 7.2 1:55 8.7
Saturday 10 3:12 7.8 2:37 8.8
SUNDAY ....11 3:62 7.1 3:17 7.5
Monday 12 4:36 7.0 4:02 7.0
Tuesday 13 5:20 7.0 4:53 6.2
Wednesday ...14 6:08 7.0 5:53 5.7
Thursday ..... 15 7:00 7.1 7:06 . 5.4
Friday 16 7:47 7.2 8:18 5.5
Saturday 17 8:36 7.5 9:24 5.6
SUNDAY ....18 9:22 7.8 10:20 5.9
Monday 1910:08 8.2 U:14 8.3
Tuesday 2010:50 8.4
Wednesday ...2111:35 8.9 0:00 6.7
Thursday 22 0:45 7.1 12:18 8.9
Friday 23 1:29 7.3 1:00 9.0
Saturday 24 2:10 7.6 1:40 8.9
SUNDAY ....5 2:52 7.7 2:27 8.6
Monday 2 8:37 7.8 3:15 8.1
Tuesday 27 4:22 7.9 4:10 7.5
Wednesday ...28 5:12 7.9 5:15 8.9
Thursday 29 6:07 8.1 6:28 6.5
Friday I:i0 7:03 8.1 7:48 6,1
Saturday 31 8:03 8.3 9:03 6.1
TRAVELERS' GUIDE.
California!
The land of fruits, flowers and sun
shine, where all tbe aummer sports
may be enjoyed In winter.
55
PORTLAND to LOS ANGELES
AND RETURN.
reached via
THE SHORT ROUTE
Beautifully Illustrated booklets and
folders, descriptive of the many charm
ing winter resorts, may be secured
from any Southern Pacific Agent, or
address
W. E. COMAN, ,
G. P, A, Portland, Ore.
ASK THE AGENT FOR
TICKETS
TTA
To Spokane, St Paul, Minneapolis,
Duluth, Chicago, St Louis, and all
, points east and south,
2 OVERLAND TRAINS DAILY Q
The Flyer and! he Fast Mail lj
SPLENDID SERVICE
UP TO DATE EQUIPMENT
COURTEOUS EMPLOYES
Daylight trip aorosa the Caeeade and
Rooky Mountains.
For tickets, rates folders and full In
formation call on or address
. H. DICKSON,
City Ticket Agent
128 Third Street. Portland, Or.
& O. TERKE3, a W. P.
. 812 First Avenue, Seattle, Wash,
WE GIVE EXPEDITED
SERVICE ON FREIGHT
ROUTE YOUR SHIPMENTS
VIA GREAT NORTHERN
Full information from -WM.
HARDER, General Agent
' Portland, Ore.
Tho World's Fair Route.
IL-
D
E LIGHT UL ROUTE
ATLIGI1T RIDE
IZZY CRAGS
EEP CANONS
A GOLDEN OPPORTUNITY
See nature in all be glorious beauty,
and then the acme of man's handi
work. The first la found along the line
of the Denver A Rio Grande Railroad,
tht latter at the St Louis World's
Fair. Tour trip wiL' be one of pleas
ore make the most of It For Infor
mation and Illustrated literature write
W. C McBRIDE, Gen. Ag't.
Portland, Or.
"Best
by Test"
A trans continental trav
eler says: "I've tried them
all and I prefer the
North
western Limited
It's the best to be found from
coast to coast"
It's "The Train for Com
fort" every night in the year
between Minneapolis, St.
Paul and Chicago.
Before tflitlngonatrlp-no matter
where writ for interesting informa
tion about comfortable traveling.
H. L SISLER, General Agent
132 TUird 6L Portland. Oregon.
T. W. TRASDALB,
General Passenger Agent,
1
Bt I'HUl, M1UU.
Bp
TRAVELERS' GUIDE.
Steamer "SIEH.EIF.10RP
The Largest; Staunchest, Steadiest and most Seaworthy vessel
ever on this route. Best of Table and State Room Accommo
dations. Will make round trip every five dayi between
ASTORIA
:AND:
TILLAMOOK
Connecting at Astoria with the Oregon Railway & Navigation
Co. and Astoria & Columbia River R. R. for Portland, San
Francisco and all points East For freight and passenger
rates apply to ' r. ;.,.,, ;
Samuel Elmsre & Co., Gen'l A$ts., Astcrta, Ore.
OB TO
, A. & C. It IL Portland, Oregon
Pacific Navagatica Company, Tillamook, Oregon
O. It- & X, Company, Portland, Oregon
Famous Trains
.. The Southwest Limited Kansas City to
Chicago, The Overland Limited to Chicago
via Omaha, The Pioneer Limited St. Paul
to Chscago, run via
Chicago. Milwaukee & St. Paul
Railway
Each route offers numerous attractions.
The principal thing to insure a quick,
comfortable trip east is to see that your
tickets read via the Chicago, Milwaukee &
. St. Paul Railway.
n. s ROWE.
General Agent
A. & C. R. R.
TIME CARD.
EFFECTIVE 8EPT. 4, 1904.
Leave PORTLAND Arrive
8 00a.m I Portland Union) 11.10a. m
7,00 p m 1 depot for Astoria) 9.40 p.m
Leave ASTORIA Arrive
7.45 a m ( for Portland and Il.SOa.m
6 10 p.m ) way points 1(180 pin
SEASIDE DIVISION
Leave ASTORIA Arrive
11.3Cs.m for Seaside Direct 630 p.m
Leave ASTORIA. Arrive
t8.l5a.m for Warrenton, 1 10:45a.in
' Hammond, Ft
5.60 p-m (Stevens, Seaside) 7:40 a,m
Leave SEASIDE! Arrive
4 :30 p.m for Astoria Direct 1 12 :30p.m
Leave SEASIDE. Arrive
6.15 a, m ( for Warrenton ft) 9 25 am
Stevens. Ham-
49.30a.rn ' mond,Aatoria J 7.20 p. m.
Additional train leaves Astoria dally
at II: SO a. m. for all points on Ft
Stevens branch, arriving Ft. Stevens
12:S0 p. m., returning;, leaves Ft Stev
ens at 2:00 p. tn., arriving Astoria 1:45
p. m. ' ,;
Sunday only. , ..;
Through tickets and close connec
tion via. N. P. Ry. at Portland and
Goble and O. R. 4 N. Co., via. Portland.
J. C Mayo, Q. P. A.
NORTHERN PACIFIC
rime Card ol Train
PORTLAND
Leaves Arrives
ruget Sound Umlted.T:l6 a m 1:41 p m
Kansas Clty-St. Louis
Special 11:1 am
North Coast Limited s:M D m
Tecum and Seattle Night
Express 11:46
1:45 pa
7:esH
1:06 in
Tak Puget Sound Limited or North
Joast Limited for Gray's Harbor points
Take Puget Sound Limited for Otym
nla direct
Take Puget Sound Limited or Kaa
via Clty-St Louis Special for folate
n South Bend branch.
Double datl train servlos on Gray's
Harbor branch.
Four trains dally between Portland
IWnma and Seattle. -
134 Third Street, Portland
V
OREGON
Shorj line
akd UkiqnPicmc
San Francisco and
Portland S. S. Co.
7 hours from Portland to Chicago.
No change of oars.
saajuir W mmm
TIME SCHEDULES
Depart From Arrive
PORTLAND
Chicago
Portland Halt Lake, Denver. Ft
Special Worth, Omaha, Kan- 6 3S a a
fcliia. n. MwCitj.ht Loula,
via Hunt- Chicago and the East
lngton
Atlantla
Kxprest Salt Lake, Denver Ft
tfcis p. m. Worth, Omaha, Kan- 1 :1 a m
via lluut- sa City, 8t Louis,
lngton Chicago and the Kaal
BtPaul Walla Walla, I ewla-
Kant Mall iton, Bpokane, Mlnne-
:!Sp. m. apolU. Ht Paul, Duluth B oOpm
viaSpo- Milwaukee, Chicago,
kaue andaat
OCEAN AND RIVER SCHEDULE
From Aatorla
AQ sailing dates subject to change..
For San Francisco
every five days.
Dally ez- Columbia liver to
Daily ti.
eept Mea
eept Bun-irortiana ana Way
uj aMajuijnuuif
: Steam ar Nahcot'a leaves Aatorla oa
the tide DAILjr BKCEPT SUNDAT.
FOR ILWACO, connecting there with
trains for Long Beach, Tioga, and
North Beach points. Returning ar
rives at Astoria sams evening.
Through tickets to and from aU prin
cipal European cities.
G. W. ROBERTS, Agent, )
Astoria, Ore.
Pfjsrnvs cons
YorlnflunmatiOBOrCatnrb
th BUddel and Diuamtl
KilM7. N'e eare so pj.
Cam qolctly ani Pfi un
acstly the wow eme ol
.m9rrhe- nif WIee,
no matter of how lontumMt.
ine. Abeeintfllv hnra!ia
floli br drofr1ta, rttoa
ft 00, or fey ir.f.l. pottMiL
TMI SAHTAl-PEPSI! CO,
hiaroHTatna owe.
Sold by Cbas. Rogers, 4St CoaasnereiBi
i raw