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About Lincoln County leader. (Toledo, Lincoln County, Or.) 1893-1987 | View Entire Issue (July 24, 1914)
HIGHER PRAGMATISM Story of How a Diffident Lover Got Out of the Amateur Class. By 0. HENRY. Ones upon a time I found a ten-cent ' magazine lying on a bench In a little I city park. Anyhow, that waa the ' amount he asked me for when I sat j on the bench next to him. He was a musty, dingy, tattered magazine, with some Queer stories bound in him, I was sure. He turned out to be a scrap : book. "I am a newspaper reporter," I said to him, to try blm. "I have been de tailed to write up some of tho expert-. ences of the unfortunate ones who spend their evenings In this park. May I ask you to what you attribute your i downfall In " I was Interrupted by a laugh from my purchase a laugh so rusty and un practised that I was sure it tad been t bis first for many a day. "Oh, no, no," said he. "You ain't a reporter. Reporters don't talk that way. They pretend to be one of us, and ay they've just got In on the blind baggage from St Louis. I can tell a reporter on sight Us park bums get to be fine judges of human nature. We sit here all day and watch the people (o by. I can size up anybody who walks past my bench tn a way that would surprise you." "Well," I said, "go on and tell me. How do you size me up?" "1 should say," said the student of human nature with unpardonable hesi tation, "that you was, say, In the con tracting business or maybe worked In a store or was a sign-painter." I frowned gloomily. "But judging again," went on the reader of men, "I'd say you ain't got a wife." "No," said I, rlBlng restlessly. "No, no, no. I ain't Kut I will have, by the arrows of Cupid! That Is, If" My voice must have trailed away and muffled itself In uncertainty and! despair. "I see you have a story yourself." said the dusty vagrant Impudently, It seemed to mo. "Suppose you take your dime back and spin your yarn for me. I'm Interested myself in the ups and downs of unfortunate ones who spend their evenings In the park." Somehow that amused me. I looked at the frowsy derelict with more In terest I did have a story. Why not tell It to him? I bad told none of my friends. -Jack." said I. "Msck." said he. "Mack." said I. "I'll tell you." "Do you want the dime back In ad Vance?" said he. I handud him a dollar. "Tho dime," said I, "was the price of listening to your story." "Right on the point of the jaw," said ha. "(lo on " And then, incredible as It may seem to the lovers tn the world who confide heir sorrows only to the night wind and the" gibbous moon, I laid, bare my secret to that wreck of ait thluas that you. would have supposed to be in sytn pathy with love. , I told blm of the days and weeks and months that I bad 'spent In adortng Mildred Telfair. I spoke of my despair, my grievous days and wakeful night, my dwindling hopes and distress of mind. I even pictured to this night prowler her beauty and dignity. "Why don't you cop the lady out?' asked Mack, bringing ma down to earth and dialect again. I explained to blm that my worth was so small, my Income ao minute end my fears so large that I hadn't the courage to speak to ber of my worship. I told blm that In her presence I could only blush and stammer, and that aba looked upon ma with a wonderful, mml denlng smile of amusement , Now that reminds ma of my own case. 1'U tell you about It" aaid Mac. 1 was Indignant but concealed It "Feel my muscle," said my compan ion suddenly flexing bis biceps. I did ao mechanically. Tba fellows In gyms are always asking you to do that His arm waa as bard aa cast Iron. Tour years ago." said Mack. "1 could lick any man In New York out side of tba professional ring. Your case and mine la just the asms. I com from the West aide between Thirtieth and Fourteenth I won't give the num ber on the door. I was a scrapper when I waa ten, and when I waa twenty no amateur in the city could stand up four rounds with ma. '8 a fact You know Hill McCarty T Not He managed the smokers fur aoma of them swell cluba. Wall. I knocked out everything lull brought up before me. I waa a middle weight but could train down to a wel ter when necessary. I boxed all over the West side at bouts and benefits and private entertainments, and waa never put out once. "Hut say, the first time I put my fool In the ring with a professional I waa Do mora tnan a canned lobster. 1 dun. lio bow It was I Boomed to lose heart I guess I got too much Imagination There was a formality and publlcnca about ll tnal kind of weakened my nerve, i never win a fig lit in the Una Lightweights and all kinds of scrubs used to sign up with my manager and than walk up and tap me on the wrist nod aea me fall. The minute I seen the crowd and a lot of gents In evening clothes down In front, and seen a pro (eaalonal coma Inside tba ropes, 1 got aa weak as ginger ale. "Of course It wasn't long till I couldn't get no backers, and 1 didn't have any more chances to tight a pro fessional or many amateurs, either. Bat lemma tell you I waa aa good aa fatoat man Inside tba ring or out It waa juat that dumb, dead feeling I had when I was up against a regular that always done me up. "One evening I was walking alonj near the Bowery, thinking aboul things, when along comes a slumming party. About six or seven they was, all In awallowtalls and these silk hati that don't shine. One of the gang kind of shoves me off the sidewalk. I hadn't had a scrap In three days, and I just says, 'De-llghted!' and hits him back of the ear. "Well, we had it. That Johnnie pul up aa decent a little fight as you'd want to see In the moving pictures. It was on a side street, and no copi around. The other guy bad a lot ol science, but it only took me about six minutes to lay blm out "Some of the awallowtalls dragged him up against some steps and began to fan blm. Another one of 'em comet over to me and says: " 'Young man, do you know what you've done?' '"Oh, beat It' saya I. 'I've dons nothing but a little punchlng-bag work. Take Freddy bock to Yale and tell htm to quit studying sociology on the wrong side of the sidewalk.' " 'My good fellow,' says he, 'I don't know who you are, but I'd like to. You've knocked out Reddy Burns, the champion middleweight of the world If you' "But when I come oat of my faint 1 waa laying on the floor tn a drug store, saturated with aromatic spirits of am monia. If I'd known that was Reddy Burns I'd have got down in the gutter and crawled past htm Instead of band ing him one like I did. Why, if I'd ever been In a ring and seen him climbing over the ropes I'd bave been all to the sal volatile." "Well, I must be going," I said, rls Ing and looking with elaborate care at my watch. W'hen I was 20 feet away the park bencher called to me. "Much obliged for the dollar," be said. "And for the dime. But you'll never get 'er. You're In the amateur class." "Serves you right" I said to my self, "for hobnobbing with a tramp. His Impudence!" But, as I walked, bis words aeemed to repeat themselves over and over again In my brain. I think I even grew angry at the man. "I ll ahow him!" I finally said aloud. "I'll show him that I can fight Reddy Burna, too even knowing who he Is." I hurried to a telephone booth and rang up the Telfair residence. A soft sweet voice answered. Didn't I know that voice? My band holding the receiver shook. "Is that you?" said I, employing the foollBh words that form the vocabulary of every talker through the telephone. "Yes, this Is I," came back the an swer In the low, clear-cut tones that are an Inheritance of the Telfalra. "Who Is It, please?" "It's mo," said I, less ungramatlcal ly than egotistically. "It's me, and I've got a few thinga that I want tc say to you right now and Immediately atralght to the point" "Dear me," said the voice. "Oh, It's you, Mr.- Ardent ' : I wondered It any accent on the first word was Intended. "Yes." said L "I hope ao. And now to come down to brass tacks." I thought that rather a vernacularism, II tbera Is such a word, as soon aa I bad said It; but I didn't atop to apologize. "You know, of course, that I love you and that I bave been In that Idiotic state tor a long time. I don't want any more foolishness about It that la, I mean I want an answer from you right now. Will you marry me or notl Hold the wire, please. Keep out Central Hello, hello! Will you, oi will you not?" That was just the upper-cut foi Reddy Burn's chin. The anawer cams back: "Why. Phil, dear, of couraa 1 will! I didn't know that you that la, you never aald oh, coma up to the bouae, please I can't aay what I want U over the phone. You are so Import nate. But please coma up to lbs house, yeut your ....... Would I? I rang the ball of the Telfair bouss violent!. Soma sort of a human cam to the door and shooed ms Into tba drawing-room. "Oh, well." aald I to myself, look ing at tba celling, "any one can lean from any one. That waa a pretty good philosophy of Mack', anyhow. 1U didn't take advantage of bla expert ence, hut I get tba benefit of It II yon want to get Into tba professional claaa, you've got to" I atopped thinking then. Soma oni was coming down the stair. My kneea began to shake. I knew then bow Mack bad felt when a profee atonal began to climb over the ropea I looked around foolishly for a door ol a window by which I might escape It It bad been any other girl approach Ing I mightn't bave Hut just then the door opened and Besa, Mildred's younger sister, cams In. I'd never seen her look so much Ilka a glorified angel. She walked atralght up to me, and and I'd never noticed before what per fectly wonderful eyes and balr Eliza both Tslfalr bad. "Pbll." aha ssld. tn the Telfair, aweot thrilling tones, "Why dldn'l you tell ma about It before? I thought It waa elater you wanted all tba time until you telephoned to mo a few mln utea agol" I suppose Mack and I always will be bopeleaa amateurs. But aa thi thing baa turned out In my case, I'm migniy giaa oi it (Copyright, by the Frank A. Mun y Co.) The skeleton of what ha claims ti the oldeat prehlstorlo man yet found recently waa discovered In Genua East Africa by a Berlin scientist FABLESI (ME SLANG ape THE NEW FABLE OF THE ROIST ERINQ BLADES WHO ABSORBED THE MAGNETIC CURRENT DI RECT FROM THE CENTRAL 6TORAGE PLANT. Out In the Celery Belt of the Hin terland there Is a stunted, Flag-Station. Number Six, carrying one Day Coach and a Combination Baggage and Stock Car, would pause long enough to unload a Bucket of Oysters and take on a Crate of Eggs. In thlB Settlement the Leading Citi zens still wear Oum Arctics with large BuckleB, and Parched Corn la served at Social Functions. Two hlghly.reBpected Money-Getters of pure American Stock held forth In this lonesome Kraal and did a General Merchandizing. One was called Milt, In honor of the Blind Poet, and the other claimed the following brief Monnlker, to wit: Henry. Neither of them had to pay the Wo man who did the Housework. Henry and Milt got what they could during the Daytime and always stood ready to trim up the Dark Lanterns and operate at Night. . These two Pillars of Society had marched at the bead of the Women and School Children during the Dry Movement which banished King Alco hol from their Fair City. As a result of their Efforts Liquor was not to be obtained In thla Town except at the Drug Stores and Restaur ants or In the Cellar underlying any well-conducted Home. For Eleven Months and Three Weeks out of every Calendar year these two played Right and Left Tackle in the Stubborn Battle to Up lift the Community and better the Moral Tone. They walked the Straight and Nar row, wearing Blinders, Check-Reins, Hobbles and Interference Pads. Very often a Mother would hurry her little Brood to the Front Window when Milt or Henry passed by carry ing under his arm a Package of Corn Flakes and the Report of the General Secretary In charge of Chinese Mia stonary Work. "Look!" she would say, Indicating Local Paragon with Index Finger. "If you always waBh behind the Ears and learn your Catechism, you may grow up to be like Him." But every Autumn. nBout the time the Frost Is on the Stock Market and Wall Street Is In the Shock, Milt and Henry would do a Skylnrk Ascension from, the Hijme Neat and Wing away toward the Mains: Sun. They called It Fall Buying, because both of them Bought and both of them Fell. At Home neither of them would Kick In for any Pastime more worldly than a 10-cent M. P. Show depleting a large number of Insane People falling over Precipices. The Blow-Off came on the Trip to the City. That was the Big Show. Every Nickel that could be held out went Into the little Tin Bank, for they knew that when they got together 100 of these Washers, a man up In New York would let them have some Tif fany Water of Rare Vintage, with a Napkin wrapped around It as an Evi dence of Good Faith. On Winter Evenings, Milt would don the Velvet 81lppers and grill bis Lower Extremities on the ornate Por tico such aa surrounds every high- price Base-Burner. While thus crisping himself he loved to read News Notes from Gotham, signed Carolyn Btuyvesant who seemed to have the Entree Into the Best Houses. He did not know that Carolyn had tangled Whiskers and Jotted down, his Boudoir Secrets tn a Welnstube, using a borrowed Pencil. Bo he believed what It said In the Paper about a well-known Helroas bar ing the Teeth of her favorite Pomer anian filled with Radium at a Cost of $120,000. Whenever he got this kind of a Private Peck Into the Gay Life of the Modern Babylon, he began to breathe through his Nose and tug at the Leash. . He longed to dash away on the Erie to look at tho Iron Fence In front of the Home of the Pomeranian. When the Day of Days arrived, Milt and Henry would be seen at the Depot with congested Suit-Cases and their Necks all newly shaven and powdored for the approaching Jubilee. Each had pinned Into his college made Butt enough currency to lift the Debt on the Parsonage. Already they were smoking Foreign Cigars and these were a mere Hint of what the Future had tn Store. While waiting for Number Six they wired for Two Rooms and Two Hatha and to have Relays watting In the Manicure Parlor. Up at the Junction, where) they caught the Limited, thoy moved Into the High and began to peel from the Roll. The Btcak ordered In the Dining Car hung over the edge of the Table and they scuffled to aee which on would pay tba Check. As for the Boy In the Buffet, every time ha heard a Bound Ilk Z6 eente he came out of the Dark Room and began to open small Original Pack ages. When they approached the Metrop olis, via the Tunnel, they thought they were riding In on a Curtiss Bi plane. ' Between the Taxi and the Register they stopped to shake hands with an Old Friend who woro a White Suit and was known from Coast to CoaBt as the originator of a Plck-Me-Up which called for everything back of the Working Board except the Li cense and the Bicarbonate of Soda. The Clerk let on to remember them and quoted a Bargain Rate of Six Dol lars, meaning by the Day and not by the Month. They wanted to know If that wa the Best be had and be said It was, a the Sons of Ohio were having a Din ner In the Main Banquet Hall. So they ordered a lot of Supplies sent up to each Room and wanted to know If there was a Good Show In Town something that had been de nounced by the Press. The Clerk told of one in when As bestos Scenery was used and Firemen had to stand in the Wings, so they tore over to the News Stand and bought two on the Aisle for $8 from a pale Goddess who kept looking at the Celling all during the Negotlv The Flag Station Seemed Far Away. Hons, for she seemed out of Sympathy with her Sordid Surroundings. Then to the Rooms with their glit tering Bedsteads and Insulting prod igality of Towels. After calling up the Office to com plain of the Service, they shook the Moth Balls out of their Henry Miller and began to sort the Studs. When fully attired In Evening Clothes, including the Sheet-Iron Shoes, they knew they looked like New York Club Men and the Flag Station seemed far away, a In an other World. Instead of the usual 6:30 Repast of Chipped Beef In Cream, Sody Biscuit and a Stoup of Gunpowder Tea, they ordered up Cape Cods, Potato Let-it-go-at-tbat, Sweetbreads So-and-so, on and on past the partially heated Duck and Salad with Fringe along the Edge and Cheese that had waited too long and a Check tor 117.40 and the Walter peeved at being slipped a paltry $1.60. Heigh-ho! It Is a Frolicking Life! Pity the Poor Folks who are now get ting ready to court the Flax In Akron, Ohio, and Three Oaks, Michi gan, and Tulsa, Oklahoma, with no thought of what they are Missing. They remembered afterward being In a glided Play-Houae with the Activ ities equally divided between a Trap Drummer and 700 restless Young Wo men. Then, being assailed by the Pangs of Hunger, they went out and pur chased Crab Flakes at 20 cent a Flake, after which they paid to get their Hats and next Morning tbey were back In their rooms, entirely sur rounded by Towel. On the third Afternoon, Milt sus pended Fall Buying long enough to send his Family a Book of Views show ing the Statue cf Peter Cooper, the Aviary in Bronx Park and Brooklyn Bridge by Moonlight Then, with a Clear Conscience, he went back and put his Foot on the Rati. The morning on which tbelr Bodies were) taken the Pennsylvania Station broke bright and cheery. Milt said somebody had fed him a Steam Radiator and put Mitten on him and unscrewed his Knee-Caps. Otherwise, ho was O. K. . Henry kept waving the English Sparrow out of the Way, and asking why so many Bells were ringing. Two week later, at the Union Re vival Services, when Rev. Polndextei gave out that rousing old Stand By which begin "Yield Not to Tempta tion," Milt and Henry arose from the Cushioned Beat and sang their fool Heads off. MORAL: On who would put Satan on the Mat must get Inside Informer Uoa trout hi Training Quarter. DISPOSED OF FAMILY "PET" Mr. Bildo Bore Much With Fortitude but There Came a Time When Patience Failed. "Did you ever have a dog In the family?" asked Blldo. "We did re cently. How that dog got into the family, I don't know. Each member of the houhehold went around saying I am sorry they got that dog' by the time we had had him a week. "There was never any way of tell ing who was responsible for his pres ence with us. No one claimed the credit of It. "We disposed of him because he took a piece out of a man's trousers. tt was a peddler's trousers. It la a bad thing to let a dog bite a peddler. "The peddler stormed up to my door a day or so after the event and In formed me that he had been In the hos pital a week, and that I must pay his hospital expenses; also his doctor's bill; also for the time be had lost from his vocation; also for the pants which my dog had ruined. "When I asked to see his receipts from the hospital and doctor he offered to compromise on my paying $5 for the damage done his trousers. I of fered to pay the five, but Insisted on Immediate delivery of the garment "He was unable to deliver tho goods, so It cost me nothing. Still, It was a narrow escape, and I decided that I had better either acquire a lawyer or get rid of the dog. "While I was pondering a man went by all dressed up In a beetle-tailed coat, with while gloves on like a pall bearer ready to dance the tango, and the dog fell for him. The apples In the Garden of Eden didn't look near as good to Adam as that man did to my dog, and he got a chunk out of the black legs of that man. "The tango dancer had a fiery dis position, and what he proposed was not to sue, but to lick the owner of the dog Immediately. This made me very uncomfortable, Indeed. I hid in the cellar until the storm blew over. "We got a muzzle for the dog after that, and then he scratched up the neighbor's geraniums. We consoled ourselves that he was a good watch dog, anyway, but one night a burglar got Into the house and stepped on him, and that scared the creature so badly that we had to let him sleep In the bed with us after that "We tried keeping him In the shed, but he dug out In the night and after announcing his presence by licking us on the face, he crawled In with us, fleas and muddy feet, and all. "So we bad to get rid of him." The Camsra In War. Reporting wars with cameras Is Ilka hunting big game with a photographlo outfit It gives us something we never had before. If Gettysburg were fought today the camera would be on Cemetery ridge. Perhaps the talking machine would also be on hand to reproduce for the world "the terrible grumble and rum ble and roar" of a battle. There would be a moving picture worth looking at films reeling off Pickett's charge and the talking ma chine records unrolling the crackle of 10.000 rifles! I wonder If our Victor friend could reproduce a sound a great as the combined roar of Lee's and Meade' S00 and more cannon? But even with the daring scout high In air taking photographs of the enemy' positions, and with cameras and phonographs reproducing battles for fireside consumption, war finally comes down to the same old game men behind the guns shooting the oth er fellows. Philadelphia Ledger. Who Laugh Last It waa In old Pohlck church down In Fairfax county, Virginia, that Wash ington used to worship, and tho an cient town of Alexandria stood much as It stands now on the south bank of the Potomao before the city of Washington bad begun to be on the Borth bank. Pohlck also still exists, is the following story prove: "Washington folka laughs at the Al sxandry slowpokes," mused the Po tomao river flat-boatman, "and the AI xandry feller laughs at the Fairfax sy-seeds, and the Fairfax guy, they Kugh at the one-gallused yap down Pohlck." "And Pohlck r queried a curious Itranger. "Oh, none of 'cm ain't nuthln' on fhem Pohlck natives," returned the an dent mariner confidently. "Them hill tlllles laugh at the po' devil In rV'aahlngton what has ter wear their to clo'e an' a clean ahlrt every sin tie week-day an' has ter come plum' iown ter Pohlck fer tholr coon huntln'. they laughs at 'em, but mostly, they Me 'em I" Thirteenth-Century Fir Prevention. One wonder what fate would have jvertaken the captured starter of fires b thirteenth-century London. For af ter the blaze of 1212, which lasted ten Bays, swallowed up part of London bridge, and wa the causo of over 1,000 Deaths, every precaution waa taken against fires. For instance, all bulki er ot houses were ordered to roof them with tiles, shlnglo boards, or lead, and to stop an outbreak any house could be pulled down. Thus, Mr. H. B. Wheatley on the safeguards: "For the speedy removal of burning house each ward wa to provide a strong Iron hook with a wooden han dle, two chains, and two strong cords, which war to be loft with the bedul ot the ward, who was also provided with a good horn loudly sounding.'" And, moreover, every householdor was ordered to keep a barrel of water be tort hi door. London Chronicle. oprtir . WHAT TROUBLED JIM MURPHY Not Tobacco Heart, as Physician Had Diagnosed, But tha Effects of Cabbage Plant They were talking about the doctor and his diagnosis In the lobby of a Washington hotel the othor evening when Congressman Thomas G. Patten of New York told of an Incident that happened In Gotham. Some time ago, he said, an esteemed citizen who wasn't enjoying his usual appetite and cheerfulness, consulted a physician, and was told be bad to bacco heart The Information he im parted to bis sympathetic friends. A few days later one of bis friends met the doctor on the street "Say, doc," remarked the friend, "did you tell Jim Murphy that he bad to bacco heart?" "Jim Murphy," repeated the doctor, thoughtfully. "Yes, I believe I did. Why?" "Nothing," waa the smiling reply of the friend. "Only If you had ever smoked one of his cigars you would have made the diagnosis cabbage heart" Philadelphia Telegraph. Distressing Symptom. "Doctor," said Dennis, the old squire' valet "don't you think the mastber Is getting mighty thin?" "No barm In that Dennis," said the doctor; "he was too fat He'll bo healthier when he's thinner." "Lolkely he will," sold Dennis, dis appointedly; "but Ol won't be able to wear his ould clothes then." Grit Timely Warning. "What's this game you're tryin' to Interduce Into Crimson Gulch?" asked Bronco Bob. "If called pinochle," replied tha traveling salesman. "Well, put It away. If soma of tha boys was to see all them aces comln' 1t.,ijyi2Jm,t dal, they'd be almost sure to get rattled an' start shootln'." Efficiency Test. The head of our concern decided to have everybody undereo an efficient examination and apportion the jobs ac cordingly." "How did It turn out?" "The office boy won the mimnr't fob and the manager couldn't pais at au. ixmisviiie Courier-Journal. A Concession, Grumpy Btraohanier flouillTl I wish you'd move those confounded va lises out or the aisle. Indignant Sitter Those ain't vkIIim. those are my feet Grumpy Straohanier (mora rh. fully) Well, you might at least ptla on top ot the other. TOO LATE. The Victim I see that yon'v ar atad the fellow tbat stole a piece ot ires good from me, and rva com to let my good a The Desk Borgeant-I'm sorry, but r just been put under bond to keen lb peace. olscs. "Aren't you worried about these pub is) questions?" "Tes' replied Farmer Corntossel ut I'm thankful fur this much, mere enough of 'em so that when fou get tired of worryln' about on you ran rest your mind thlnkln' about an. ither." Courior-Journal. Assistance. farar0" t0,, J,h' Dr beIp 00 "Yes." renting Cm... r H has told m a whole lot about runnln an tninmnkiu .u-.... . great help when I get on." Delay Insured. Th doctor told nui t - log rapidly." ' Han Tb habit I hard to eonquer" Yes: but I w. ..-. . .. . makan .Uoluu rule n?,.,