Magistrate (to prisoner w ho is before
him for begging) What makes you
beg?
Prisoner (whining) Because I cau't
get any work, your honor.
Magistrate Would you do work if
Foil could get any?
Prisoner Gladly, your honor.
Magistrate What work?
Prisoner Anything, your honor.
Magistrate (rather stingy, with an
sye to business) I have a heap of
weeds I want taken out of my ground
would you do that?
Prisoner Yes, your honor; only too
glad of the job.
Magistrate You are discharged.
Prisoner-Did you say I was dis
charged, your honor?
Magistrate Y'es, you are discharged.
Prisoner Then weed your garden
yourself. London Answers.
Lawyer You say the prisoner stole
your watch. What distinguishing fea
ture was there about the watch?
Witness It had my sweetheart's pic
ture in It
Lawyer Ah, I see! A woman in the
case.
.
A funny story is related of a juryman
who outwitted a Judge, and that with
out telling an untruth. He came breath
lessly into the court:
"Oh, my lord, If you can excuse me,
pray do. I don't know which will die
first my wife or my daughter."
"Dear me, that's sad," said the Inno
cent judge. "Certainly; you are ex
cused." The next day the juryman was met
by a friend, who, in sympathetic voice,
asked:
"How's your wife?"
"She's all right, thank you."
"And your daughter?"
"She's all right, too. Why do you
ask?"
"Why. yesterday you said that you
did not know which would die first."
"Nor do I. That is a problem that
time alone can solve." London Tid
Bits. Michael Joseph Barry, the poet, was
appointed a police magistrate in Dub
lin. An Irish-American was brought
before him charged with suspicious
conduct, and the constable swore,
among other things, that he was wear
ing a "republican" hat.
"Does your honor know what that
means?" inquired the prisoner's law
yer of the court.
"I presume," Raid Barry, "that It
means a hat without a crown." The
Green Bag.
Identified by a Blind Man.
! A blind man picked out his dead wife
In the New York morgue a few days
ago by his delicate sense of touch, says
an exchange. Two women, both of the
same name, and both of whom died in
Bellevue, were taken to the dead house
at about the same time. When the
morgue keeper caught the blind man's
right hand and guided it to an upturn
ed face, he said, "No, no; that's not my
Mary!" The drawer was closed and
the next one was pulled out. The
6lghtless man laid down his stick this
time and used both hands. His face
was transfigured as the tips of his
fingers rested on the sharp-set, cold
features. "Mary," he whispered, "1
have found you, dear! How thin your
face has grown! How cold you are,
Mary how cold!" The blind man had
made no mistake. The dead woman
had been his wife.
Meaning of Wisconsin.
Wisconsin is commonly thought to
come from the Indian name of that riv
er, Wees kon san. It means the gath
ering of the waters, referring to the
fact that at the source of that river
many branches pour their waters to
gether, but after that there are no im
portant branches in Its entire length.
The early French softened it to Ouis
consin. An attempt was made to put
back the k in place of the c, but the
Legislature refused to make the
change. A. Gaudin says that Wiscon
sin comes from a vord that means
"musk-rat house." But he says he has
not found two Indians to agree .on the
meaning of the word. Sheboygan Falls
News.
Future Blacksmith Shop.
A blacksmith's shop without a forge
may really come to be a popular Insti
tution in the near future. The Idea
originated in Belgium. The metal to
be heated Is plunged Into a metal tub
of water, and, apparently with little
reason, becomes Instantly white hot.
As a matter of fact, the metal tub Is
connected by wire to one pole of a dy
namo. The water is acidulated, and
when the metal Is plunged Into the
water an arc seems to be established
all around the submerged portion,
which may then be removed and ham
mered on an anvil, the same as any
ordinarily heated metal. Los Angeles
Times.
The man who never made a failure
la unable to appreciate success.
Kew Train Service pn the O. R. & N.
The double train service just estab
lished between Portland and Chicago,
in which the O. R. & N., the Union
Pacific and the Oregon Chort Line are
interested, shortens the throusrh time
11 hours. Train No. 2, leaving Tort
land at 9:15 A. M., daily, is known as
the Chicago-Portland special. Its '
equipment is new, making it fully the
equal of any train now in service from
the Pacific coast to the East. It con
sists of a mail car, baggage car, a library-composite
car, a first-class Pullman
sleeper, a dining car, two chair cars
and a tourist sleeper. There is but
one change of cars to all Eastern points.
The full time is three days through to
Chicago, or four days and two hours to
New York.
The second train, known as No. 6,
leaves Portland daily at 6:20 P. M.,
connecting at East Portland with the
Southern Pacific's, overland train from
San Francisco, and carries through
equipment to Chicago via the Union
Pacific and the Chicago & Northwest
ern, and also the equipment for the
Washington division of the O. R. & N.,
in connection with the Great Northern
for St. Paul. This train reaches Spo
kane at 10 A. M. A dining car serves
breakfast into Spokane, and dinner is
served on corresponding train leaving
Spokane at 8:45 P. M. The new sched
ule as arranged, supplies the most
complete service ever furnished on
the O. R. & N., also provides in
creased service in Eastern Oregon,
where it is greatly needed, and gives
immediate connection with the Wash
ington division at Pendleton. At this
point there is a large interchange of
traffic, on account of the various min
ing districts of Baker county, the Coeur
d'Alene, the Republic and Kootenai
mining camps. Portland is greatly
benefitted by this change, in as much
as increased service is given from East
ern Oregon and Idaho.
No. arrives in Chicago at 9:30 A.
M.; No. 6 at 7:45 A. M., as at present.
The Westbound train out of Chicago,
corresponding with No. 2, is No. 1.
This arrives in Portland at 4 P. M.
The train corresponding with the East
bound No. 6, is No. 8, out of Chicago.
This reaches Portland at 7:80 A. M.
Westbound train No, 1 leaves Chicago
at 6:80 P. M., and Omaha at 8:20 A.
M. the following day. The time is re
duced two hours and 45 minutes. No.
3, Westbound train, leaves Chicago at
10:30 P. M., and Omaha at 4:25 P. M.
the next day.
The service on the Union Pacifio on
all these trains includes buffet-smok-ing-library
cars and dining cars. No.
6 carries a .daily ordinary sleeper to
Kansas City, with change en route to
ordinary 'cars to Chicago.
Consult the nearest ticket agent for
detailed information.
W. H. HURLBURT,
General Passenger Agent.
Strength in Silliness.
Those who make the most noise in
the world are not those who have the
most power in the world. Quiet in
fluences are the potent forces in God's
esteem, and even in man's sight. As
Aubrey Moore says: "Great men
think, while ordinary men talk. Great
saints pray, ordinary men preach.
High-sounding words aud showy acts
may impose upon the few, but it is si
lent effort which moves the world."
This truth is not held popularly; yet
Elijah learned when he was divinely
shown that God was not to be recog
nized in the whirlwind, the earth
quake, or the fire, as he could be in
"the still small voice." Even this
world'8 wisdom testifies to the truth
in the adage: "Deep waters run still
est." It is God's voice which says:
"Be still, and know that I am God."
S. S. Times
Piety In the Home.
Parents must show piety at home;
that is, they must give good example
and reverent deportment in the face of
their children. All signifi
cations of love and tenderness, care
and watchfulness must be expressed
toward children that they may look
upon their parents as their friends and
patrons, their defense and sanctuary,
their treasure and their guide. Jeremy
Taylor.
A British soldier in South Africa
wrote to a friend in Ireland: "We
made a grand capture yesterday. A
case supposed to contain a piano was
opened and found to contain a lovely
machine gun. It was addressed to a
lady in the Orange Free State. Of
course, we are going to play it our
selves." A Blood
Trouble
Is that tired leeling blood lacks vitality
and richness, mid hence you feel like a lug
gard all day and can't get rested at night.
Hood's Sarsapurilla will cure you because
It will restore to the blood the qualities it
needs to nourish, strengthen and sustain
the muscles, nerves and organs of the
body. It gives sweet, refreshing sleep and
imparts new life and vigor to every func
tion. Felt Tired "In the spring I would
have no appetite and would feel tired and
without ambition. Took Hood's Sarsnpa
rilla in small doses, increasing as I grew
stronger. That tired feeling left me and I
felt better in every way." W. K. Baker,
Box 96, Milford, Ohio.
Hood's Sarsaparilla
Is the Best Medicine Money CanBuv. Pre
pared by C. I. Hood & Co., Lowell, Mass.
A Weil-Kept rife.
It requires a well-kept life to do the
will of God, and even a better kept life
to will to do His will. To be willing
is a rarer grace than to be doing the
will of God. For he who is willing
may sometimes have nothing to do and
must be willing to wait; and it is
easier far to be doina God's will than
to be willing to have nothing to do it
is easier far to be working for Christ
than it is to be willing to cease. ' No,
there is nothing rarer in the world to
day than the truly willing soul, and
there is nothing more worth coveting
than the will to will God's will. TheYe
is no grander possession for any Chris
tian life than the transparently simple
mechanism of a sincerely obeying
heart. Henry Drummond.
Information While You Wnlt.
Mr. Spellem, of Highlandtown,
writes: "Dere Sur: Please tell me
wat is the holesumest food fer chil
dren?" You will find doughnuts about the
"holesomest" articles of diet. Balti
more American.
Steel Platforms for Faasenijer Cars.
Instructions have been issued by the
mechanical department of the Rock
Island, that all passenger coaches of
the road must be equipped with steel
platfoims. Already many have been
equipped, aud as fast as the coaches
can be spared from the daily servioe,
they are run into the shops and the old
platforms taken cf and a hcy steel enc
put in its place.
A deacon in a Baptist church in
Trenton is a stickler for decorum. He
saw a young lady whisper to another
during prayer at a church service, and
ho loudly rebuked her. In indignation
she was passing out of the edifice, when
he said the church was no place for
her. Aroused by this taunt, she pro
ceeded to return to her pew, but he
clutched her back hair and thus drew
her out of the church.
lUJUJ
poisons out of the system and will regulate
you naturally and easily and without gripe or pain. Start to-night one tablet keep it up for
a week and help the liver clean up the bowels, and you will feel right, your blood will be rich,
face look clean, eyes bright. Get a 10c box of CASCARETS, take as directed. If you are not
cured or satisfied you get your money back. Bile bloat is quickly and permanently
x.7 w At i i i i.i.i mi..! jr a -vi
10c.
25c. 50c.
To any needy mortal suffering from bowel troubles and too poor to buy CASCARETS we will tend a box free. Address
Sterling Remedy Company, Chicago or New York, mentioning advertisement and paper. 420
NOTICE TO PROPERTY OWNERS.
Building or remodeling residences mid
stores. We carry a complete line of MiititclM,
Grates and Tiling, Tile Flooring. Tile Wain,
voting. Andiroim, Fenders, Screens, KUctrlc,
Una and Combination Chande Hers, and all mip
plies pertaining to Klectrie and (ias Lighting.
We also carry all kinds ol Haiter1e, Bella and
Indicators. Photographs cheerfully sent on
application. KltAMv II01.COM it St O.
245 Washington Ht., I'ortland, Or.
U Save 80 Per Cent
If you use the New Columbian Fire Grate In
your houne. With an ordinary grate 80 per
cent of the heat gots tip the chimin')', but the
New Columbian Urate make a white name, no
moke, and all the heat govs Into the room.
Entirely new and absolute perfection. For
photograph and full description send to Til K
.IOHn HAUKKTT CO., VI tint ntrcet,
Portland, Oiriin,
BUFFALO PITTS CO.
MANVPACTUItKIM OF
New Double Cylinder Farm Loco
motive anil Threshing Machinery
Write for Catalogue.
330 K. Yamhill St., I'OKTI.AND, OR.
Mention this paper.
Reform at St. Louie.
The snluon keepers of St. Louis, Mo.,
have been notified that they shall not
maintain in connection with their
saloons wine rooms or private stalls or
reams not at all times open to publio
gaase. They were also notified to dis
continue and prohibit musio and to
prevent dissolute women and criminals
from frequenting their saloons,' under
penalty of forfeiture of their licenses
and having their places closed as dis
oi doily houses. Union Signal.
Kew Collage Students Die.
The doath rate in colleges is extremely
low, The strict attention to the physique
is irlven us the cause, i'eople outside of
(iollpffos,. as well, may have health and
strength. Hostetter'a stomach Bitters is
recommended most highly for preventing
a well as curing bodily weakness. It is
fur the blood, the nerves' and all stomach
disorders, und its cures of constipation, in
tl litest ton, dyppepsia, sluggish liver or
weak kidneys, are most remurkable.
Six mourners who officiated as pall
bearers at a funeral in Mishowoka,
Intl., have sent in bills of indebtedness
against the man's estate for carrying
him to the grave.
100 ItKWARI) 9100.
The readers of this paper will be pleased to
Jiearn that there is at least one dreaded disease
(hat science has been able to cure iu all lis
ttaxes, and that is catarrh. Hall'sCatarrh Cure
U the only positive cure known to the medical
fraternity. Catarrh being a constitutional dis
ease, requires a constitutional treatment.
Hall's Catarrh Cure is taken internally, aeiing
directly upon the blood and mucous "surfaces
of the system, thereby destroying the founda
tion of the disease, and itiving the patient
itrmiKUi by buiKling up the constitution and
assisting nature in doing its work. Tlio pro
prietors have so much faith in lis curative
bowers, that they offer One Hundred Dollars
lor any case that it fails to cure. Send for list
Oi testimonials. Address
F. J. CHENEY & CO., Toledo, O.
Bold by druggists. 75c.
Hall's JTainfiy Pills are the best.
When oattlo arrive in Havana from
Bouth Amerioa, Mexico or Texas, they
are first inspected in the yards, and
thou a large per centage of them are
driven out to pastuies for several
weeks' grazing. When they arrive they
are thin and rough looking.
Puffs under the eyes; red nose; pimple
blotched, greasy face don't mean hard drink
ing always as much as it shows that there is
BILE IN THE BLOOD. It is true, drink
ing and over-eating overloads the stomach,
but failure to assist nature in regularly dis
posing of the partially digested lumps of food
that are dumped into the bowels and allowed
to rot there, is what causes all the trouble.
CASCARETS will help nature help you, and
will keep the system from filling with poisons,
will clean out the sores that tell of the sys
tem's rottenness. Bloated by bile the figure
becomes unshapely, the breath foul, eyes and
skin yellow; in fact the whole body kind of
fills up with filth. Every time you neglect to
help nature you lay the foundation for just
such troubles. CASCARETS will carry the
CURED BY
-mMLTjmM .rm. -1 MM 1 V J7f. M Wl H TM HL,' ' saeae-
PORTLAND DIRECTORY.
M ncli I lift y iiimI Miiill.,
CAWKTON St CO.: KNdlNKS, ItOII.KKH, Ma
chinery, aiippiles. 48-5o MrstHt., I'oitiand, Or.
JOHN POOLE. Portland, Onr.nov,
can Rive you the best burgalns in general
machinery, engines, boilers, tanks, pumps,
plows, belts and windmills. The new
steel I X L windmill, sold by him, is tin
equalled. Have You Seen The
New McCormick Roller
Bearing Mower?
"TXvr
Call on McCormick Auent. or drirena A. It.
B ijlan.-l'ortlRiid, Oregon, iur catalogue.
ct ii s -r ort
a 7
THREE DAILY TRAINS BETWEEN
OGDEN AND DENVER.
The increase in transcontinental
travel by way of Salt Lake City in con
! sequence of the scenic and other attrac
tions of the route, has recently justified
I the Rio Grande Western Railway in
I connection with the Denver & Rio
Grande and Colorado Midland Railroads
says the Salt Lake Tribune, in estab
lishing a triple daily last passenger
service between Ogden and Denver.
All of these trains are equipped with
the latet appliances, improvements and
cars. This road now operates through
sleepers between Chicago, Ogden and
San Fraucisco, also a perfect dining oar
service. Send 2o postage for literature,
rates or other information to J. D.
Mansfield, 253 Washington street, Port
laud; or Geo. W. Heiutz, general pas
senger agent, Salt Lake City.
Two lions escaped from a menagerie
in Valencia, Spain, and injured several
people before they were captured. One
of them leaped through the plate
glass window of a jewelry store, and
scattered watches and diamonds with
recklessness. ' '
SI others will lind Mrs. Winslow's Sooth
ing Syrup the best remedy to use for thel
children during the teething period.
Uncomfortable beds are the rule in
Manila. There are no springs, mat
resses or slats. A square of woven
rattan, like that of a cane seat chair,
the rattan a sheet is spread, and this
is the bed.
I'iso's cure cannot be too highly spoken
of as a cough cure. J. W. O'ISrikn, 322
Third Ave. N., Minneapolis., Minn., Jan.
6, 1900.
Small retailers in Germany have
organized for an attack on the depart
ment stores. A bill has been intro
duced in the reichstag to tax the sales
of the big stores on nn increasing ratio
until they reach 20 per cent of the
profits. . '
ALL
DRUGGISTS
CURE YOURSELF I
Dm MlgO for 11 n 11 u Mir. I
rilpctmrtffii.liilliimiiiniiiiriii,
Irritation, or ulcniMiun.
of inucou. rtiriiilirAiiit.
p. ,!.... ,.,,,1 ir..
EyWtCHtMiCtCo. (fit or poiionoii..
old by nrnzirl.U,
pr (.tit In plain wrapper.
IiV ftlfiruaa i.ran.1.1 .....
II. on, or a ImttU'i, i'.Yi,
Circular nt on riiiiiimt.
YOUNG MEN!
Kor O'tnnrrhiPK unrt OIa irt Pulwit'ii Okay Mperlfto. U
U tti ONLY miMlM-inn which will :ur i-nrh and every
vaM. NO (,'AHK known It hu evur fnllr-fl to cum, no
matter how wrtntm or at liow long Htarxllrifr. llMnilte
from IU tiM will aHtoiiifth you. It la afMoliifly aafn.
prvpiit Mtrlrtiir, anil ran e taken without In conn,
ulenrr anl uVtwitlnn from binlm-M. THICK. $3.00. For
an If Ur all rf liable druirtrl"t. or eent prupalil by eipreea,
plainly wrapped, on rvt ftutnt nrtr, by
I'AMst CHEMICAL 00.. Cbioatfo. 1IL
Circular mailed on reuuoat.
DR.Gun;rsspiLLS
ONE FOR A D08G. Cnrn Sick ITeadaohe and I)r
pepul H-niovs l,linul,l'urlfjr Hi. niooil. Aid UWr.
t!o!i,l'rnvcntllllliuiina. DunotOrlpeorKlcken. Te
tr,",J'i'')"lJ.lllnmliamp efreoifilllvoi. v.-,o. DR.
B08ANKO CO., I'Miu.lyM !. B.ild or Drugg-lata.
N. 1. Nil. Ma. It)-1 ()(.
WIIKN writing' to advertisers plra.e
mention this paper.
K Jf tiot in .iMmur.
r- v p....... e
Vv,N'""o.J78