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HOME AND FARM MAGAZINE SECTION
1C
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Stories World Meets With Smiles
Srottli Wit nntl Humor.
(fJS OLD Scotchwoman who hntl
A made n great deal of money
by Belling whisky was visited when
on her deathbed by her minister.
"And so, Molly," said the nilu;
Istcr, "you tell me thnt jou have nil
this money." ,, ,
"Indeed, minister, J have," replied
Molly.
"And jou tell me, too," continued
the minister, "that jou made all this
money by filling the noggin."
"Xa, na, minister," said the dying
woman, "1 dldna tell yo that. I
made the mnlst of It by NOT filling
the noggin."
A minister of a Scotch parish was
called In to effect n reconciliation
between n fisherman and his wife
After using nil the arguments at his
command to convince tho liusunwi
that It was unmanly to strike his
wife, ho concluded:
"You know, David, that the wo
man Is the weaker vessel."
"Wool, then." said David sulkily,
"If she's the weaker vessel she
should carry tho less sail."
Tho chief of tho clan Mcintosh
onco had n dispute with a cabman
about his fare.
"Do you know who I nm?" Indig
nantly oxclnlmed tho Highlander. "I
am tho Mcintosh."
"1 don't care If you are the um
brella," replied tho cabby. "I'll have
my rights." M. C. C.
Thought of n Hotter Wnjr.
I In olden times the beadle was
armed with n small wooden mallet
with which he was commissioned to
tap, gently but firmly, the heads of
sleepers In church.
In tho old town of Kilbarchan
onco lived and preached n minister
whoso pulpit ministrations wero de
void of all eloquence or force. Nat
urally, ho was annoyed every Sun
day by tho Bight of sovernl of his
parishioners who slept throughout
the sermon. Chief among those wbb
Johnny riano. Johnny had been
gently "touched" by the old beadle's
mallet soveral times, but one Sunday
the minister was oxnsperated at tho
sight of the man soundly sleeping
almost before tho sermon had begun.
"Andra," ho called out to tho
beadle, "gang round to tho wnst loft
and rap Johnny Plane. Olo tho lazy
loon a guld stiff rap on tho held
ho deserves 't."
Tho beadlo obeyed Instructions.
with tho result that n lively fight
ensued between him nnd tho erst
whllo sleeper. Meeting Andra In the
vestry nfter the service, tho minister
said:
"If the loon sloeps next Sunday,
just you gang up nna rap him back
to reason: and mind It's a lenock wl'
some FOncn In't ho needs."
"Nn, nn, sir," was the beadle's
canny reply, "I'll no disturb him
again. If Johnny's to be kept frno
sleepln' In church, minister, yo maun
Just pit tho force Into yer sermon."
M. C. C.
The Dn;neMlr Machine.
Mr. Meek was laboriously hooking
up tho back of his wlfo's ovenlng
dress Just as the clock wan striking
their dinner hour nnd their dinner
guests wero ringing tho door bell.
Mr. Meek breathed hard: his fore
head was damp nnd his hands shook.
"I do wish somo ono would Invent
a machine to do thl3 kind of work!"
ho mttered, miserably.
"Wuliy, they have!" replied his
wife, brightly, ns sho npplled some
powder nonchalantly to her nose.
"They have, nnd you nre It."
Youth's Companion.
Mmlo mi Anthem of It.
It Is pleasant to hear that tho stern
btiBliiGHS of drilling has Its light olilo,
ns well ns most other things. In n
certain territorial regiment, not
many miles from London, one of tiie
newest lecrults was watting his turn
on parade to be Inspected.
Presentlv to him camo the youth
ful officer In charge. He has what
Is known as the varsity accent.
The officer stooped and Inspected.
Then: "Hn, ha, no shave," lie said.
"He, he, no rnzor," replied tho new
recruit blithely, thinking that he had
met a sociable soul with a pleasant
way of reprimanding.
Tho result was, of course, disas
trous to tho recruit. Hut now, when
tho regiment Is marching and "Tip
perary" Is getting n llttlo overdone,
Mm mnnnrnnv Is vnrled bV tho front
section calling out In full-throated
unison, "Ha, ha, no shnvo," which
Is Instantly replied to from tho back
with a stentorian roar of "He, lie,
no razor!" London Dally Mirror.
Hint ns to Iinprociucnt.
"Father," said the small boy, "Is
there really n Santa Clans?"
"Why, I bellovo so, my son."
"But as a boy grows older doesn't
a boy's own father come to tho frout
and choose tho gifts himself?"
"I shouldn't be surprised If that
were tho case."
"Well, I hopo It Is. I haven't said
much about It, but after thinking
over tho presents I've been getting
for two or three Chrlstmascs past
I'd rather cut out Santa Claus and
tnke my chances with you." Wash
ington Star.
Would Soon Catch It.
Tommy had been playing truant
from school and had passed a long,
beautiful day fishing. On his way
back he met ono of his young cronies,
who accosted him with the usual
question, "Catch anything?"
At this Tommy, In all tho con
sciousness of guilt, quickly re
sponded:
"Nope ain't been homo yet."
Sheet Music Buyers
Accept This Offer
To responsible parties wo will
send tho latest Sheet Music on
Trial. Writo for complete in
formation today.
The late song, "My Dreamy
Rose," is yours for five !i-ccnt
stamps.
Mack's Music Shop
317 Morrison St., Portland, Or.
When you
so to rortlamt
want to
you will
Attend the Theater
You wilt gt the moit for our money
by solng to
TIIE BAKER
idto. I. Itaker, Met.)
Ou llnmilnn) nml 3lorrlian Nil.
Horn of lli Famotx Jlakcr I'laieri.
1'rlcM, 25c. 35c. 60c, 75c. Jlatl , 53c, Joe.
Mullnrr
srxnvY vi:iNi.M.Y, satiiiiiiay.
Alwax a new iilay Hlgh-clati company
of real actor mid nctreitej. Beautiful
conic anU txagt effect!. Tho llaker
I'Uutr have l.ceti famoua In Portland
for IS lean and to them It a part
of one ltlt to the metropolis.
mm
flip tllPntOr Ih nlurnv. n .in.
of tho business of n trip to Portland.
At llniiiliii nml Murk .SlrrrlH, Itlulit
In (lip .lll.lillr of thp llolrl Dlntrli't, MII
III- I'miml Hip OIll'IICI'll. Din Inrir.i,
ntnl liowost tlic.ilpr in tlm Vnohu...-,
and whoro tliero In always a bill that
vuiiiuiiii'n iiiiiiwi.', iiuvuiiitw nnu lauRli
provoking fcittirnn Till: oitl'llKlMI
is ai.w vvs woitrit wmi.i:.
Tj)
ANTAOE5
rf. "A Muht In V
of Polite Comed 'I
I'lcturfM.
I iiniuilril VmiilfUllr llrouiltrnr lit Aldrr. l-urlliinil. Or.
rhc TaiimiiUii an lllriiuin. Imperial AcroUtlc and Atrial Sen
ull.iii 1 hi. limit I.e. rr. Amerl a1. Torcmoit Ventrllo. u it
'J.'"". k.."".1 uVfl '" I'll)"". I" the Kontallomil Drama t la
i -i in, - no iiewi mo arriani ana tne Man" llrrnli rl llroth.
nW. 'i'i""1.'.0" ?.rce1f '""'Xer Kulhrnn. tho Illue ltlbbon l'ilr
he Jugglln; lUrrt-tU, Aviation Hatters rmitiicr.cope. FlrsMlim
International Harvester
vream separators
pICTURE to yourself the difference in the amount
A of actual work done, between setting mil ;
any of the old-time ways and skimming it witli an I it?
cream separator. What a job it is to wash the n,
crocks. IIow many handlings they need. Wlwt VA J??3 or
takes to fill them nnd set them away, to protect them fm S5' "
do tho actual skimming, to disposo of tlm cold ski milt t
tho crocks or pans. "" w Pwfj
Now noto tho difference. With an I II C scivirni. n..--. .
.& "I0 S?' iosepiiatorfad5
skimmed wliilo still warm
a few minutes and cvcrvthinir ia rcadv fnr ti,n ':... ?waMia
Vou want tho separator that will help you niobt. There L mi
things than tho savim; of work to ho considered. tSR,!
of cream, value of tlm machino, scrvico in caso of nriu
many other things to bo thought of before you buy a sX ft11'3
Tako t mo enough to buy a cream separator. Tho more carefall,
you go about it, tho more comparisons you make, tho mondSSj
you will bco that ono of tho International Harvester separator.
Dairymaid, l'rlmrosc, or Lily, will serve you best. Seo tha I Hr
dealer. Got catalogues! from him or writo to us for Uicm
International Harvester Company of America
VnvwnrurtMlLW;
Crawford, Neb. Dcnrcr.Col, Helena. Mont. Portland, Ora,
San FrancUco, Cal, Spokane, Wuh. QtM Lake City, Uufc
Fill
fiHi lSi2!E!U2S
To Introduce Our Course
'Ono Month's Tuition Wllhont n...
Send for Particulars at Once.
Learn Any Instrument
At noclol Catherines no ono Is In luch itmui
n the porapn who plni. You cn Irtrn lar
r Instrumnnt by our mothod In a verr thott Umi
Hundreds of others have. Our big fret ciii.
Iobuo tells tho story aond for It nowl w,
teach piano, violin, mundolln. guitar, bink
urirnn. cornet, oto. Itpfrrrnra! Vnnh-...':
'Nfltinnal llank. DONT DKI.AY MIMI l-nn nr.
1M.AN AT UNCI'. II iliirn not oldlenle 70a U IhtliuL
American School of Music
Sixth nud Ankrny, I'lirllnnd, Or.
HOTEL
WILHARD
Seattle, Washington
This hotel Ih n thoroughly
modern fireproof luillilltiir, con
onlent to tho tluator unu shop
plmr district. Just newly fur
nished and renovated. Excellent
accommodations at modurnto
ratos. $1.00 a dny nnd up, week
ly rates on roiuost.
HOTEL WILHARD
Till Avcniip nnd L'ulmi Strt'rt,
Hcnttlf, 'WnitliliiKtiiii.
TRADE
TRADE
Your Farm
ALL KINDS OF HOUSES TO
TRADE FOR FARMS.
T. J. LONG
520 Henry Building. Portland. Oregon.
960-Acre
Stock Ranch
30 acres In nlfnlfa. More eta b
put In. Ahumlnnce of wittr 111
acres Rood wheat land, btlinti
fine bunch grass puure. Bit
outsldo range Wster plpl u
biilldlnRH, An allotment la tit
Forest Itcsorvo for 120J shetp
goOH with place. Trice ) (ii
ncre. (lood terms. One ot til
host stock ranchti In Enltn
Oregon. Writo for our llil
ACME REALTY
COMPANY
101
i:iiuiiahip iiuiiaiii.
'I'lH'onin, Will
HOW TO GET 320
ACRES FREE
Do You Want a Homestead?
Lint of Government lands Is eg
state subject to, horaeitesil im 1
what bent adapted. Alio dMcrlPUes;
Orepon by counties. 8nd for lll-W
book. "Advantages of Oreios" PrlciM
cents, postpaid.
R. C. FISKE
410 I'nnunin lilJg- I'ortlut Ot- .
J
1
Trerr pacKsl of
Morse's Seeds
lecttabU or flower, are
ueprnuame teeili. lull) I
tuled before packet! I
. TmJtl. rp 4 ift m a a apH av kbk l b h
Morse's 1915
Garden Guide
Juit o(f the t"n
1 or pals i:ierHhrre.
tlAUKtt IBtt.
mat