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About The Madras pioneer. (Madras, Crook County, Or.) 1904-current | View Entire Issue (Sept. 1, 1904)
liniments. It simply loosens
its hoM for a while. Why?
Because to get rid of it you
must correct the acid con
dition of the blood on which
it depends. Hood's Sarsa
parilla has cured thousands.
WIZARDS OF THE POSTOFFICE.
Jo j s of Possession.
Doctor Holmes, singing the moderate
1 -t I M At. A X - 1 J
UOeC not lei gO I you Bcrlbea (with tongue In chc-ck) his cou
Whetl VOU aMly lotions Or ! ccptlon of tin adequate house:
I T 141- T l .--.A- L
.uuiit; x unit, ui) uius uie ao ,
I only wish a hut of stone,
(A very plain brown stone will do),
That I may call my own;
And close at hand Is such n one,
In yonder street that fronts the sun. '
One Is reminded of tho nutosrat's
gentle irony on the simple Joys of po
scsslon by this story from the Chicago
"When wo were poor," reiunrked
the prosperous man, "we looked for
ward to the time when we couJd have
a summer homot"
"Well, when we got rich enough to
have ono, we didn't like going to the
same ilaee every summer, because It
was monotonus, and we looked for
ward to the time when we could have
another for variety."
"We got another, and then we besrnn
They Work Out Tough Puzzles In De
The staff of men In the New York
postofflce who are called upon to guess
out defective addresses are wonderful
ly successful nt their brain-torturing
One absent-minded person addressed
UIRL'8 FIGHT WITH ALLIGATOR.
Corrected. Willie Peebles The
horao was golu Teacher Don't
forget your g, Willie. Willie Peebles-
Gee, the horse was goln . Puck.
Prepared. "Bedad, the nlxt autonio
bobollst who runs over mo will be sor-
ry for It, 0111 bet yez." "Why?"
"Ol'vo n cau av nitroglycerin in ivery a great, slimy alligator, evidently nt
Tr'Hstph Comes After. Thrilling En
counter with a Mitthty tiattriuu.
A frail, slender girl, Miss Kelson,
one flue night early In April, 11)03,
sat quietly beside her mother. From
the next room where tho two little
children had been left playing came a
strange grating sound. The older sis
ter stepped to the door between the
two apartments, only to turn pale with
dismay ahd horror, for there, fast
asleep on the hearth-rug, lay the lit
Uo brother and sister, und crawling
sllwly across the tloor toward then!
n letter "2,242 Bronchitis" and it was
promptly delivered to 2,242 Broadway, j to long for a winter place, so that wc
to correct address. Not long ago O. j wouldn't liave to be so much in the big
A. Jrenger, the chief of the "good ; house In the city."
guessers" in tho New York office,
struck a letter mailed from a town in
Italy, addressed In vile handwriting to
"Well, we have them all now."
"And nre you happy?"
"I suppose so. At least I suppose
fy wife Is, She keeps them nil shut up
spouds most of her time In Europe,
she knows she has them."
Local Oracle Know t' Dook o
Blankshlre? Ay, I dare saya I knows
Mm better than any one In these parts.
Woy, my darter married one o 'is sta'
ble 'ands." Scraps,
"It serves her good and right" "How
now?" "She became engaged on a Fri
day and married on tho 13th." "Well?'
"Well, now she can't get a divorcer
Now York Evening Sun.
tone so yoir minis tuat men are
smarter than women, do you? He
Somo men, but not all. She Well,
what men are smarter? lie Old bach
elors. Illustrated Bits.
tracted to the house by the hope of
young kittens or puppies, wriggled and
writhed. Its wicked, stony eyes, grim
with baleful light, were fixed on the
unconscious babies, and tho wide
Jaws, open and ponderous, dripped
with .a foam of eager, unsatlslled
greed. Frantically calling to the dogs
outside Die front door to enter and
help her, the bravo girl caught up the j
large lamp that stood just within the
mother's room, and hurled it full nt
the horrible, gaping Jaws. Then, leap
ing nsldo to escape tho furious on
slaught thus brought upou herself, she
stooped quick ns thought, and tossed
fctlomd tk to
it. Their" dctor
trust It yourplfj
health and stikuj
thin hlnorf. 1 fntiml nn rslllt
Ayer'a BarsnpurtlU, your 11
IA.Mn,,. for ""iswiw
Avar's P!!! are
They greatly aid
next day nieT6ttel,J,was,pWi
hands of the immigrant for whom
The Italian, Russian, Hungarian and
Greek mails bring most of the "blind"
addresses, which are worked out pho
netically. A few recent examples of
the originals, with the translations by
the postal experts are:
"SIrlanqstrt, Tomsvllle" Sarah Ann
"Merryone" Matteawan, N. Y.
"Istochlnchistommo" East Kings
ton, N. Y.
"Soccioples" Scotch Plains.
Under the name of one address ap
peared the following: "Chaipil Pon
mllcan." After some study the "guess
er" wrote across the envelope "Care J.
Plerpont Morgan," and the letter was
duly delivered to an Oriental In the
A tougher problem was presented by
this: "Hop Lee. 4 10 Colock. Complice,
Texas." Long and hard study led to
the conclusion that the correct reading
should be "Hop Lee, Fort Hancock,
Camp Rice, Texas." The letter was
sent there and Hop got It
A letter addressed to "Mr. Frederick
A. Swift,' with the Initial "L" beneath
It was sent to Lowell, Mass., Its in
Kentucky Nan's Duty.
Jamboree. Ky., August 29 (Special)
After suffering for years with pain
In the hack Mr. J. M. Coleman, a woll
known citizen of this place, has found
a complete cure In Dodd's Kidney
Pills. Knowing how general this dls
ease Is all over the country, Mr. Cole
man feels it is his duty to make his
experience public for the benefit of
"I want to recommend Dodd's Kid
ney Pills to everybody who has pain
in tho back, Mr. Coleman says,
suffered for years with my back.
used Dodd's Kidney Pills and I have
not felt a pain since. My little girl
too complained of her back and she
used about half a box of Dodd s Kid
ney Pills and she is sound and well.'
Backache is Kidney Ache. Dodd's
Kidney Pills are a sure cure for all
Kidney Aches, including Rheumatism
"Little Johnule," the fictitiously
bright boy of the dally press, is more
often rude than witty in his ciAversa
tLinswith older folk. When he is po
lite as well as witty, as in his latest
bit which his Boswell has recorded, he
Is a very delightful boy.
"Well, Johnnie, how are you getting
on with your French?" asked uncle.
"Oh, very well, uncle. We translate
nice, sensible things now, like 'My uncle
sever allows my birthday to go by
without giving me a present,' or 'It is
Maifetia that my uncle will give me
slog splendid this time.' "
'OHwernment inspectors passed upon
SfoffiStfHQ live animals last year at a
ca&.flt a, little more than 1 cent each.
"The coffee that my mother used to
make," began the young husband, as
he slowly sipped the steaming bever
age, "was "
"Oh, of course," Interrupted the
bride of a week who had not read
comic Journals in vain, "It was the
"No, my dear," continued hubby, "it
was on the bum. I never drank any
equal to this."
Whereupon her wifelets promptly
cot ail tier r it e
illfa Mbt, lldt I MIL
p. Taateauooa. ubq
la by drucfflsta.
Unwritten Colonial History.
The captain of the Mayflower had
given orders to reverse the engine and
swing Into port
Plymouth rock was near at hand.
"Why do you plan to land here?
asnea wiuiaru ttradford, with some
"Why," responded the captain, in
great disgust at the other's Ignorance,
"if we didn't how would poultry-breed
ers ever get a name for their big 'dom
So humiliated was he by Oils reply
that Mr. Bradford forgot for two hours
to electioneer for the governorship.
The vast retinue of servants employed
by the late Queen Victoria are being
carefully reduced in numbers by King
j&pory smoke, lazily ascend-
r. may be the only vis-
yhn 4he sleeping volcano ;
g sea of fire, molten
gases. Those who
the peaceful val-
4nger, and though
the rumblings and
of impending erup-
sy are living in fancied security ; when the giant
roars.ana tney are loPt beneath a downpour ot
rashes. Thousands of blood noison sufferers are
okano, and are taking desperate chances, for
Sowlincr (Jroen, Ky., Mar. 34, 1002.
Gentlemen: For over four years I suffered
greatly from a severe casa of contagious blood
poison. I went to Hot Springs, staying there four
months At a tig erpouso. I then consulted phy
sicians, who prescribed Moroury. notnlnar did
mm any good; in fact, the treatment proved mora
harmful than benefloiol. X mentioned my case to
a friend, who told me that 0. B. 8. bad certainly
uredhlm. l at once commenced its use, ana al
ter continuing1 It for sometime could find no traco
i'i the disease whatever. This was about two
lars ag-o. X can truturuuy say x am entirely
terll. . M. SAHDEES.
i&jfred rash appears on the body, and these
1. are soon followed by learlul eruptions,
jl'jwollen glands, loss of hair and other
potash not only tail to cure blooa
latism, necrosis of tho bones, offen-
stomach and bowels. The U6e of
uch bad results. It cures without
offer $1,000 for proof that it
tins a mineral of any desenp-
S. S. S. is an antidote Jor conta-
blood poison, it destroys every
of the virus and purifies and
then the blood and builds up the
mail free our special book
St Ion s tor home treatment.
iinnn tlin lilcrh 1)0(1 in tllfi corner tho
"What do you put ou your face after Luddeuly nnd frightened chll-
dren. Hue tunica irom tins tusk to
And that the Infuriated alligator, di
verted from Its original purposo nnd
confused by tho unexpected attack,
had dashed straight through tho open
door and mndo Its way to the bedside
of the helpless, terrified mother. With
out a second's hesitation tho devoted
daughter rushed to her aid.
A Bhovol full of hot coals from tho.
glowing fire thrown directly against
the vicious eyes of the angry crenturo
onlyBorved to strengthen and intensify
his fury. Apparently his entire will
was now bent upon tho destruction of
the helnlesa woman on the bed. The
shaving?" a9ked the man who smelled
of bay rum. "Court plaster, usually,"
replied tho nervous chap, gloomily.
Cincinnati Commercial Tribune,
"Does your little girl know how to
spell?" "Oh, dear no. That's so ple
beian, and we expect her to marry a
man who Is rich enough to let her
have an amanuensis." Chicago Post
"Have you heard about the latest in
surance company?" "No; what Is it?"
"Why, It's one that promises to pay all
mony to both parties lu case the mar
rlago proves a failure." Detroit Free
A Gentle Reminder.
"After all," mused tho shiftless Indl
vldual as ho proceeded to occupy th
only rocking chair in the room, "thcro'i
no nlace llko home."
"You hovo said It," replied the wlfo
of lils bosom, who was engaged In half
Kolliiff his other pair of trousers, "but
that's no reason why n man should loaf
around it instead of looking for a job"
PROM YOUR DEAURR
I !dTTrfi HANTS PERMANENTLY CUKDl
a aroR ruu. pmticulaw
Books ain't flt'n' for nothing hut to
give to little children tola' to school, for
to keep em out'n mischief. If a man's
Wo canvnsfl tlio farmers niul
dealers on lino of floods ov
crybcnly nt'cdn. VM) por
month can euHily bo mado
by good workers. No com
petition. Good easy Holl
ers. Write for particular
and agency at onco.
SPECIALTY SELLING COMPANY
313 Commercial Blk, Portland. Ore.
Miss Vane Some one told me to-day : got mother wit ho don't need 'em: cf he
that I was the handsomest girl In our "W1U'' J- " ain't got It they'll do him no good, no-
street Miss Speltz Oh, that's not In-
curable! Miss Vane What do you
mean? Miss Speltz Your habit of
talking to yourself I
Baxtei? We had some fine music at
the concert last night Caxton I
thought you didn't enjoy high-class
music. Baxter Oh, I didn't enjoy it;
that's why I know it must have been
high class. Boston Transcript
Augustus (no longer the youthful)
Well, there's one comfort; they say at
40 a man Is either a fool or a physi
cian. Angelina (nearly swallowing a
yawn) And are you a physician, then?
Augustus No. Angelina Oh I
Used to It. Tommy was visiting a
neighbor's. At dinner the hostess apol
ogized to him because the table linen
was soiled at his plate. "Oh that's
nothing," he assured her, promptly;
ours is worse'n that at home."
"That land,' said the city nephew, "is
valued at $S00 a front foot" "Thun
deration!" exclaimed the old farmer,
hastily moving back on to the side
walk. "And I stood on It roost five
minutes! Do you reckon they'll charge
me rent?" Chicago Post.
Among a number of notes received
by a teacher In excuse for the absence
was the following: "Dear Teacher
Kindly excuse Minnie for having been
absent yesterday, as sho fell in the
mud on her way to school. By doing
the same, you will oblige, Her Mother."
They had been engaged a long time,
and one evening wero reading tho
paper together. "Look, look," he ex
claimed, "only fifteen dollars for a suit
of clothes!" "Is it a wedding suit?"
she asked, looking naively at her lover.
Oh, no!" he replied, "it is a business
suit" "Well, I meant business," she
A military officer went downtown
with his little daughter one morning.
Before long the little lady found herself
unable to keep up with her father's
few feot of her body when tho desper
ate Alice, returned from the kitchen
with a stout ax that had Just recurred
to her memory, sank It to the helve In
the thick neck. Narrowly escaping se
vere Injury In the death-strugglo that
followed, all but fainting with nerv
ousness and conflicting emotions, tho
bravo girl followed this blow by oth
ers no less telling and doughty. When
the still quivering, but no longer mur
derous, creature had been reduced to
absolute impotenco the entire houso
looked as though It had been wrecked
by vandals, and the weary conqueror
found herself suffering from many
bruises. Woman's nomo Companion.
hOw. Simon Quggs' philosophy, nuotcd
i tr.. ri.rvi.. '!'!. n. ...... i !
A NOTABLE BRITISHER
llz High Me
so fast gate tho evils of saloons by turning THRESHERS IlnVlll I nrtlMf
i. Can't them, so far as possible, Into decent QTAnKFffc IfinlCfl I IlHl W
a police- resorts, and making the solo of strong iflUUiIIIIUI J
write ror catalogue kind Prices
i Earl Grey, the Newly Appointed
Governor General of Canada.
Earl Grey, who is nnnounced to suc
ceed tho Karl of Mlnto ns Governor
General of Canada when tho latters
term expires, is
one of the most no
tablo men in tho
peerage, and has
known to the
world In Bevernl
as a tlnancler, n
an Industrial pro-
eabl obey. raoten. Ho was as
sociated with the late Cecil Rhodes in
tho development of South Africa, and
is executor of the will under which tho
Rhodes scholarships are assigned. At
various times he has been concerned
in the river tunnels of New York, hav
ing interests in the Hudson Itiver tun
nel in its earlier stage nnd with a tun
nel that was planned from tho City
Hall, Manhattan, to the Flatbush ave
nue station, Brooklyn, a project that
apparently has fallen through. Earl
Groy Is also widely known among
temperance workers at homo and
abroad as the projector of tho. scheme
swinging stride, and she was obliged to known as the Public-house Trust Com
cry a halt "Please, pa," she said, "I pany, by which it is proposed to mlti
would like you not to walk
for I can't keep up with you
you walk nice and slow like
man?" drink a secondary featuro and with
'A woman can't keep a secret," dc-1 out profit Tho earl Is In the prime of
clares the mere man. "Ob, I don't life, and may bo trusted to give our
know," retorts the fluttery woman; nelgnoor on tno nortn a vigorous and
I've keDt my age a secret since I waB progressive administration. Ho is a
24." "Yes; but one of these days you brother-in-law of tlie Earl of Mlnto,
will give it away. In time you will Vie present incumbent, who has mndo
lmDlr have to tell it" "Well. I think an excellent governor, and will retire
that when a woman has kept a secret with the good will of the Canadians.
for twenty years she comes pretty near
knowing how to keep it" Judge.
During the lato Boer war, Just after
the fall of Bloemfonteln, soldiers were
called upon, owing to the scarcity of
civilians, to work tho railway. Tho
weary men were lying in camp one
night, after a hard day's work, when a
sergeant called out: "Any of you wish
to put your name down as railway por
ters, drivers, stokers, guards, or any
other appointment connected with tho
railway?" The silence was brokon only
by snores. Then one of the men slow
ly raised his head. "Put me down as
a sleeper!" he shouted drowsily.
A curious and amusing uilxturo of
early piety and worldllness came to
light In a city school room one day
when the teacher had asked the chil
dren to write ou their pads of paper
something about the profession or oc
cupation In which they would like to
engage when they becamo men and
women. One little girl wroto briefly
but effectively, "I would desire to bo a
lady rider at a circuss if it was 'the shy at yer, The Sketch,
Lord's will." Another little girl with
equally mixed Ideas wrote, "MlnIon
ary, but If not that, millinery or clerk
hi candy Btore."
DeataeM CBHot Be Cured
br local applications s they rsanot reach the
dlseaiatl portion of tbe car. Tnore. la only one
way to cure deafncM, and that Is by constitu
tional remedies. lea(neas la cauiad by an in
Hatned condition of the mucoua llulng ot tho
Kuitachlan Tube. When thla tube la Inflamed
you have a rumbling sound or Imperfect hoar
Ing, and when it la entirely cloied, Ueatueis Is
the result, and unlets the Inflammation can be
taken out and this tube re.tored to its normal
condition, hearing will be destroyed forever;
nine cases out ot ion are cauaed by Catarrh,
which is nothing but an Inflamed condition ot
Wo will giro One Hundred Dollar for any
caao i of Deafness (cauaed by catarrh) that can
not be cured by Halt's Catarrtt Cure, bend for
F. J. CHENEY & CO., Toledo, 0.
Sold by Dmeglita, 75c.
Hall's Family l'llli are the best.
Tho recent report of the British post
master genera! shows that picture cards
to the number of 488,000,000 have pass
ed through the office In a year.
For forty year's IMso's Cure for Con
sumption has cured coughs and oolds. At
druggists. Price 26 cents.
Tlio Usual Way.
"Time Is precious," said tho moralircr.
"It Is," rejoined tho demoralizer, "and
I've wasted lots of It."
"By indulging lu foolish pleasures,
eh?" queried the party of the preface. I
"No," replied tho other, "by being
punctual in keeping my appointments
with others." i
No Cost of Operation
Write today for free Illustrated book.
COLUMBIA ENGINEERING WORKS
Tenth and Johnson Streets
P. N. O.
Me. 3 6--1004.
WHEN writing; to adTortliers ileei
wentloa this pnper. 1
PRUSSIAN STOCK FOOD,
the Greatest Conditioner ami Stock Fattentr known.
HORSES do more work on lei feed. COWS Klve more nnd richer
milk. H0Q8 grow and fatten quicker If given this food.
nnnn ens BTiiurcn rii nrra
I hT len rwdfng 1-ruMlan Stock iWito mr tborftUKhUrd owlne. u thea
MAKES PIQS GROW.
row. i aiao triad It on aluntd calrea with aattr
an apMUM ana Biakea tn ultra bi
tor? rull-r. W. OUOOMK, lOgtn, Nab.
PV?7sfe.;i. FREE! 08-pnge Itand Book. rrnulta Haaiedy Co., SI. Pail. Hbuu
YOKTLAND HXKD CO.. Portland, Or., Coast AjreuU
The A. H. Averill Machinery Co.
The Humorist ot the Country.
You Can Count Your Chickens Before They Aro
Hatched in a CHATHAM INCODATOIt.
Every fertlo eg you put Into a Chatham Incu
bator will come out a healthy, sturdy chick. That
Is the recn'd the Chatham incubator has made for
Itaolf and. t Chatham JJroeder will brlnir them
up" better than the moat motherly hen. There la
big money to bo made In railing chickens with a
Chatham Incubator. The farmer who overlooks
thli branch of hi builrieaa Is neglecting one of the
greatest profit producing departments of hli farm.
The Tactile Conat Is not reducing enough chick.
cus iu uiiiiir muit uwu wsuiii unicnen ramus:
)UH OHI'KKi We will aell vou a Chathom In.
cubator on time, It will make many times lta coit
to you. We nav the freieht. Wrlin m far mtr
'Pulque Catalog and uselui hints on poultry rail-
GEO. W. FOOTT
Paolfo Ooamt Agsnt
Box 4BO SACRAMENTO. OML.
Boy (to fat person) ricaao sit still.
Father!! bo past 'ere In a minute with
a new 'orae. 'H wants to see If it'll
Never pick your teeth unless you
first go to your room, look under the
Crittick Maulstick's paintings sell
very well, don't thpy?
D'Aubor (Jealously) No, I wouldn't
say that, I would say he sells his paint
ings very well. Philadelphia Pre,
m m spa
vr i m i 'sin
W. La DOUGLAS
53.50 & S3 SHOES m
?iB0 P.omcc. Three Sours. $2. BO and
4.00 WORKINOMEN'S, REST IN THE WO R LB.
f 2.50. $2.00 AND $1.76 loYS, Pon
w 'DRE88 AND 0HOOI. VVCAR, ' ' "
u h V.?'ll? fu."2?kM wx teU,t w
S8.b0hiu1S3.OO sliopstliHii any tUriiiHiiii-
the greatest Mljers Is. they am limMM? tubuT
leathsrs, hold their iliM'o.nt better, wesr longer,
and hare more value than any other Slioos. '
Ing hi name and pries on the bottom!. 7o2 fSr
It take no stibit Itntu. Hoi.i- i.o Af.W
ersrywhere. 'a,t Color l(VtltJt umt eKiuZily,
"AS GOOD AS S7.00 IHoh.m
"Hiritofar I have beuu. u,
than. I murehmetl a aalr at in t ftJT.' ,vi
fan miiiili. fkmu ama ...... ' ...17- w1
Itt.Hd titiV t. tV "
WM. OtLMY KtfOWLES. Jtxtt. CU .rhZ.li.
bed t be sure that you nre alone and
then lock tho door,
A good conscience is to the soul
99, ATLANTA, OA
what healtli faf to tbe body,
. " i " "piirB awvs vvi mmm aviiamin s as i
" mi asm rsJMi usHr mut,
t, l W, L, DwtUu, smktw, U, ',1