Eugene City Guard. I k. O. EUGENE OTY OREGON. -There ar. others" la a poor defense. eves though you cm provs It An exchange nianu that the proper , length for abort seUrt hi a Uttla ever two foot. Aftor all the ops and downs ha bat I bad LI Hung Chang ought to tasks a pretty good lator boy. Toudi Winston Churchill escaped dls- j gulsed aa a woman, and tbut mada bla : atart dowo tba corridors of tUnt aa "Sis ter Winnie." The story tbat tbe aon In law of the Sultan of Turkey bai nd with bla wlfe'a Jewels la rather Indefinite. Which wlfa'a Jewell T Th not thing tbat haa printed ! the shuffling ofT of "the alck man of Ku rope'' will probably opersts ta k "the sick man of Aala" alive. 'I thine la the Jealousy wijlrb tha grei; powen of Europe feel fur one aaotuer. Tt remark of Oenera! Lawtoo when aake1. when down South wltb the Presidential party, to make a peecti: "I am not a hero. I am only a regular." la well remembered. Law ton waa one of the altid who do not do all bla fight log wltb bla mouth. One State of the Colon, baring a ur plus of a million dollars In Ita trees ury. f.r wblrb It haa no preaatug use. proposes to derota It to tha laiprove meot of public arhrxile. Tbera may o little "practical politics" In such a cour. but tbera It much rtjtrd for tb welfare of tbe people. Mnrk Twa n can't remember when be told bit Brat He. but tba aecond It vlv Idly Impreeaed on bla memory be told It wbeo be wat nine daya old. He prof Had by It according to bla own atory. and the public will draw Ita own Infer MM aa to bla reaaon for puraulng to ripe agv tbe vocation of fiction. A ningbamton i.V Y t man la reported to bar klllexl hit wife and hlinaelf Id order to tea their plcturet In tba paper, and another cltlien of the Ctnplre State commuted aulclde a few daya ago to prore whether there la anything In aplr Itualltm or not. It Isn't likely thtt wither of tb u la now thoroughly aatle Had with tbe results. Absent mludeduess baa aeldora been a fame or money making reuture to Ita postrisor. Nevertheleae. the poem. Tbe Abaent Minded Beggar." which Mr. Kipling contributed to Ixindoo newtpaper for tale, brought In a fuud af I5O.0UO for the needy families of the aoldlera aent to South Africa. The poem waa recited nightly at tan music baila. and auug to Sir Arthur .Sullivan t mualc at half a doaen mora. Scientific men predict tbat pathogenic bacteria, or dlteaae-breeding gvruM, sr daatlned to ba exteriulusted In clrlllaed lai. u. along with oisu-eattug heMU and venouiou tcrpauta. And why nut ? Already tba progreaa of medical Ml aert baa gone far to eliminate or cancel tba polaun of typbold and diphtheria, tha baclllua of consumption la belug hunted to Ita lair, and in cltlea where aanltallon la duly regarded the acourge of cholera and yallow far need SO r be feared. Tribune, haa a board of dlreror and a secretary, making mora than twenty fly oBcara In tha ararag townablp. Many taacbert betlev better reaulta oeold ba had by abolitblng thaaa dis trict boarda and ceotrellz'.og coetrol rf tha acboola In townablp boarda Tbe azparlanca in otbar State would bear oct thla Wew. In Philadelphia tba acboola are managed in a moat wasteful fatii'.on. tliere being a board of acbool directora for each ward In tba city wltb great power Tba result la an extrav gant management. Wbeneyer the are many board, each cunaiat'.ng of many metnbara. then tbera are a large hum ber of peraon who prtonal Intareata mutt ba looked after and waose frleodt mutt ba provided for. By reducing tbe number of director thee l.ifruenc are reduced and economy followt. Tbe Leglslsture will do well to reorganize tbe acbool tyatem wltb tba township aa tba baalt of organization. Tbe highwayman robs a man -per hapa two men. If be Is lucky and tbat la tha end of it ao far at the extent of damage la concerned. But tbe prouio ter of Inflated enterprltea bssd on slender prospects t'art In to rob th public at large. All goea well for a while, perlupa. ta It did with tbe Xrtnklyo syndicate. But tba time comet when the bubble limits or thrlnkt to a poor temblau'-e of Mi former aelf, slid tha damage It widespread. When fB hour of aaflspta or '-.infraction arrives we have all the trooblM of a financial panic ao far aa the securities are con cerned. Koavtlim-t when tbe amaab cornea tboae who are n-ally responsible have escsped. lattlMW tbe guilty go down with tbe Innocent, tbe promo ter with tba Invettort. Toe punish ment of wrongdoing falls upon tbe In nocent, upon the public at lsrg. Even thoee who have had no snare In tbe game, who have not touched or ban died tba perlloua thing, are caught In tha pln-h with those who have taken tbe risk. Heal vslues are the only val uea tbat count In tbe long run. Illation eaty Incorporated It Jutt aa much dla boneaty aa If It were practiced by Indl vlduala. And In the end It It about aa aura to auffer tbe penalty. The chartering of two tteamers t-, carry rargoe of corn from Philadel phia to Iteval, In Northern Bustla. taken in connection wltb tbe fact that several cargoes have already been shipped to the ssine port from other Atlantic coast lag porta. show that Ituaala haglut to realize the value of American corn at a cheap food fur It people, atpcclully those living In the northern and colder sections of Hint country. The difficulty heretofore bat been to com lin e European consumer tbat corn could lie utilized us a nutrl tloua food for human beings. Large quantities have heretofore been hlt ped abroad for brewing purpose, but tbe prejudice agalntt It at a fool priHl uct waa extremely hard to eradicate. Little by Hltle. howeier. American corn has been making headway In Buropt, and the Busalsn linportntloui now In progrets give promlte of au exteiitlve demand from thst cnuntry In the near future. The tectlont of KtiHida In which com can be grown profitably will also grow wheat, and the ltulnu farmera are llkelt to continue to ralte wheat, lealng American corn to be lut ported aa a chuup food for thoae who cauiiol afford to pay the price wheat will bring 'u the RwopMB BhWktt iaittiitiittitl IN NO Btata throughout tba Laion la American Ingenuity and Yankee ingenuity, at that shown to finer advantaga tiian In Nebraaka, wbera home-made wlndrlll. ronttrucied at a light coat do tbe work of mill-made tnacblnet for which a much larger ptica la aaked. Naw Kugland and tha Middle Bute, aaya tha New York Presa. might Just aa wH aa not claim aooie of tba credit for the inventive neat and pewe of adaptation which these Wctteru farmera display, for tba farmers rsme from the East or tbelr fathers did. and tbe farmers of tba West baven't a much harder row to boa than tbe farmer vf tha rocky bllla of New Kr.gland. These Nebraska folk can take a woruout mower and a few boardt hicb hare dropped off the pig aty and make out of tbem a windmill that will Insure them proflt even If In fh long, rlesr aummers the sky refuses to "give down." The labor can be put In when nothing more profitable la to be done ban praying for rain, and be ridicu lous sum of a dollar or so paya all tbe money outlay necessary. Krwln Iliockiey Barbour. In a bul- letln from tbe LnWertlty of Nebraaka, in I. lie -old. tells of tbe Nebraaka farm art marveloua manner of making the ina fit the end. Not only la water rblltlpa Brooks said. In tha last Thanksgiving teruion he praacbed: "I defy a man to put bis fiuger upon any page of history when It waa clearer than It la today that man haa entuc thing to do with hie brethren and thst they are bla brethren. Tea, It belong! to natlona. too. No nation dare act In aubllme selfishness " Whether the re Straining motive be high or low, the fact of greed, envy. hate, under some control, la a ground of hope for ludl giduals and governments. It la bat a poor compliment to a aol-41ar-or. rather, It It not a compliment at all to say of him that he was aheo Jutaly Iguoraut of fear It la the oyer coming of fear, not tbe euUr abseuce f It. which constitutes bravery, la other words, tbs man who bss never experienced tha aentatlon of fear If eorh a man ever lived-la larking In relative Judgment. He canuot reseou from came to effect fsr enough to see thai If be does a certain thing ba It ture to be killed And tuch a meulal com poaltloa. to fsr from constituting greal Beaa. is merely a sign of weak Intellect Hence w may be tun that Qa, Law ton. despite the aasertloua of hit luju dlclout friend, kuew very well what fear wat, D1 he did net allow It to In fluence n conduct or hit Judgment Thst It the rcsl bravery aUUb mark the gallant soldier. Th other type the disposition to ruth a-t any utzn 1st without reatoultg or rrflecllou it tb mere brute Inatluct of tba buKiKig and ll doesu t u bar - L gSM The ,v-e'r atuvveen bM'ii-vl KfTvta a aoosldvr.s'b aaaagf of ehotwe to ptNWI Itite'r.es.ted' In aHMilir.reSt-l'r pcrVatoUii to l-M-entVoV nrwi wb-o I'lat'tn u Beu-.m linwuT la Itidi nniWHlrti Swhwheai IWM ttso tle i'.wuS.e'.h sswlatrTtary of imv dvsnit of t'hauvef ki nk'mV amd t--.-. -W,'-'.li f-ne-ah d-.-:tv.'...'. to ttart "axdl .4 I in fiW,v unv-ffth-r." latbaud Wm M Lng,tb- dVvhie. bt been 4htI tbwee ceu Kioto U't WHiMon btwl Mre tMN faiiclt-y of winning Uiat WbeaM'l fi ta record Ita fulluett. The -runar-y of Oowprr't death Is uuniled with the aotable daya In the year. Many to whom til worka any not otherwise ; petil will ba grateful for the spiritual refrethmeut which they owe to hit de aotlonal writing. On tha other hand, tba centenary of Macauliy'a birth It aoninieuioraicd, at least by special NO Uectlon. by the large ccmpiu) who are bla debtors because, wheu he wrote blatory. tbe Boafl imaglnat'os kept dnlloeaa at a distance. There are otb r daya and names for end of tbe century mention which good readers aai good llatenera will not forjet. One of tbe nattart now d'.tcutsed by the Iowa teachera Is tlie making of the towntblp tbe unit of organlaation. I'n dar tha present system each Indcp-n 1 district, aajra tbs Cuiva.o WHY HE HAD TO MOVE. t.'nfortuiiute Lived Nett Done to .. I lot tor wtlb Mabl Culls. "Why, uinn," aahl tbe Ian. II 1 id to a teuatit whom he had recently secured for a house Hint had lieeu unoccupied for aoveral months, "you're not going to vacate ao soouT ou v ouly beeu tbeie a mouth." "I know It and a motub mure would be the eud of me. I 11 111 going to get bouse way out In the auliurba and la the ceo 1 1 c of a big lot. You'll uier getme Into a double houe again ua long aa I live. I'd rather take the family aud camp out." "The place Is all I told you It waa, air good house, good uelglilKirhood aud everything lu good repair. I'll look t you for tha raul uutll the aud uf tin term. "1 hsfs all right, aud I'll pay It I'm not mean enough to try to sublet It either. One thing you didn't tell DM that the mini lu the other end of the house Is a doctor and thai be seem to hnie trained his patluts to call 011 bliu st night I hnvcu I had any s eep wortb tpeuking of In the w hole three weeks Coming up 011 the 1 h they reach my door llrt. They ring tbe bell na though It were a Hie 11 hum aud tbeu begin pounding on the door. When I m forced to go to the dour to prevent its being broken In and to give the rest of the folks a little tliow to lecp. It's 'Oct Into Mttff clothe, doc. and come righ over to the bouae,' or. Jm in e lias the 1 roup.' or. Baby'a liililng an awful tune w itli hi leeth.' or, 'Why didn't ymi call tblt cveulng at )oti agreed to?' If 1 put 111 v head out of the i Indoiv and try t explain they get hot, tell me I had bet t r tnke lu my lgu. better retire fretu bi'luet. r sountliiu wor e. I ll bring you ihc We) till evealog." 1 Vtrolt l-'ree I'n'!. Al'lOMOUil I 110 I! l)ON. AVTOMolltl DOSS WiOOX, Tbecutious o. . u. piece of apparavti pictured l.vre haa n-cently been addetl to the equipment of th flre department of Paris. Frattee. Kxperlmenta with It have lieeu ao satisfactory tbat a uum ber of the automobile hone carriage are to lie Inttalled at once. The uia i-UiliB tarries a crew of from six to eight men aud a full equipment af Ufa sating apparatus, chemical extinguish era and hose. It Is said to ba faste and more easily controlled thau Buy bona apparatus. A circus ostrich once made a meal of aauer kraut and fat pork, and died within three dagr of IndigeiUo. HOHE-MADE WINDMILLS. iaaaaaaiaoaa)aiaOBagggaaigat nidg with tha lowest type and r :g up, tbera ta tba Jumbo, tba Merry-Oo-Bound. the Battla Ax, tb Holland Mill, tba Mock Turbine and tha Recon structed Turbine. While farmers may ba rather particular what material they put Into the higher cost machine, tor those of tba lower data no kind of stuff lying around tbe bara It too mean to find some use. Old lumber, lath, ahlnglet. split rallt. old packing boxes, barrel ttavea. coffee aai kt, tin from old tin roof, tbe gearing from old mow ersthere la acaicely an od'i and end thai doea not have a use In tbe bome mada mill. Kor $3 70 W. W. tor of Ilave'.ock made a baby Jtimtio. which pumps not , only water enough for hit ttock. but ttipplles bla boarding hius-; wits all the I watar needed. It bat four fans, each three feet long and arret two and one- : half feet long, and la mounted 00 a lx- ! teen-foot tower. J. L. Brown's mill, which !a on the MIC way nurseries, near Kearney, ta one of low cost Out of old grocery boxes he made tha fans and the box, and tb gnsplpe axlt cott him f 1 80. What could such a mill aa this do? Welt, II pumped enough to Irrigate bis j garden through a killing season of i drought, and kept his strnwberry patch and bis amall fruit from death. Pretty in-, it hs th whole State. Ita -oat waa II L and for this outlay It runs a corn abeller and faad grinder and a grind atone. One of tha moat ingaftiooj aiUt la tha who! State tands on a farm near Gothenburg. It la mada merely of a wagon wheal attached by lu axl to a barn. To tha tpokaa are fastened bladaa. Thla contrlTanca pumpa all tb water needed for the barn. Still an other mill la a two-fan turbloe. and I made from an old mower Near Urand 4 Sfjgr nOMKMALK SAW MILL. provided fur Irrigation, but stock Is supplied wltb water, ranchmen and sheep berdera are benefited, dairy prod- stilt, m a 11 a or waaoa wnaau acta are increased and Improved, and tha comfort of tbe Tillage and rural homo la enhanced. Most of tbe horue-cnade mllla are found In the Platta Vallay. from Oma ha to Daavar, and In tha laaaar river course w hich branch out from thla Tl- ley. Columbus. Grand Island. Kear ney, (i-er'on. Coxad. Lexington. Goth enburg. Ogallala and Intermediate towna are centera for these mllla aa well aa for other kinds of water llftera The favorite foi in In Kastern Nebraska It the JumtHi. or th "Go Pevll," which latter name piobably Is a contraction Of "do Like the -Devil." In Central and Western Nebraska the prevailing type '. called tliu Battleax Mill. Both kli-d do far more than pump water. They ruu th grlmUtoce. the chum, the 'cetl grinder, the corn thellei and woi.'l tsw and oth,er farm machinery. All thlf work '1 d'ce by a uiachlna that ccta Itbor IneiuuVd from It to . Of co'ire the lin e la put In wl.en there It notlilnj est ira irt!ivg Kt he dewe. far M ttea Saw ewe Ve la ten ent t4 tn-perttrrt v''k tha resatit bardly wmU pay. While the avecaaa es Ve (rWed m lesr aa frt r I, beew which the HrlRlmw-Hi, M wovU aeew. seiMvcir eirvtid (rii aha asaaVwewa tfcat haa S M tke eeoei ac-Wom e ttttti mJiHs rmrU mt ta a mate aw t-VPt. A m.tt a vast aehaa hwcw at b"jet kkt gooil Investment for 11.50. In fact Brown ban figured out that the profit from that little mill durlug three pretty tough tltni-a of drought exceeds that of the whole furm In three ordinary sea aons. The regulntior Jumbo mill Is set per manently to fact the north or aouth and thus catch the force of the prevail ing winds. But when the winds blow from another direction these mills would be of no use, so tills rilrbVulty It overcome by putting up "universal" JuiiiImis, which are set on a screw, nnd whlcb will turn with the wind in nny quarter. Sometimes, too, Jumbos are set up In pairs, quartering the compass, and with such nn Iticipcmtlve mnchine it la easy to do this. The merry-go-rouuda look like huge aide wheels of steamers set horizontally on towers. la the general class of turbine mills are Included the Holland mills, the bat tleax mills, with two, four, six aud eight fana; the ghmt battleax. the mock turbine-- the fixed, revolving, with and without rudders and the reconstruct ed turbine, whlcb last named usually are the shop made ones which have beeu Injured aud are bought cheaply and repaired. made rnoa A1 Ol D MOWrB. Island. Fred Matble-en bull! a mill, the driving parts of which were taken from an old self binder. It waters his stock, and yet the cott was tinder go. By put'lng a rudder on, a mill the arms can tie wade to swing around aud stand In the wind, and by putting a mill within a tower Instead of upob It tbe chance of destruction through be ing blown down by tha high Winds Is lessened greatly. m of the queereM mllla ll that of a farmer named Bear son, who lives near Gisn-i l'lnud. He took the sprocket w heel and fly wheel of a corntheller and nt a cost 0? $3 put together a contrivance that pumps enough water for sixty head of cattle Another odd and Ingenlon bit of mechanism It a reconstructed aermotor that cost practically nothing, yet pumps for the house, lawn, garden and a small fruit orchard, bringing up 270 gallona of water an hour In a fifteen and one-half mile wind. Then there 's the "toy" water mill of A C Walker a civil englueet, w hich pumpfl.4S0 gal Ions of water In twenty-four hours. Near Kearney was an abandoned mill and storage reservoir. Tbe mill was fixd at slluht cost, tilts of broken up boxes were nailed to the arms and the whole thing worked ss well aa It Old In Ita better days. To shop made mills and etrn to tbe batter clasa of home-made can be at tached wires, by which the power can be transmitted several hundred feet to w here it Is necd d Sometimes the mill la set at the house, and Its energy Is di rected ao that It will run the pump at th Imrn In fact, the Nebraska furm- er'a ways of utilizing these borne made contrivances are endless. LET US ALL LAUGH. JOKE FROM THE PEH t RIUU9 nwniw..-- ri.at lacld.at. Occa.flag ha WM Or.r-Sajiaa MSSSJWSt 1. al i Old or loaaa t4 tie t Wl" EJ0 Sandy Plkaa-Wd yar giro a poor man a dinner? Housewife Why ao you yourself deserving' SanJy rmm i wu Hone-wife .after dlnaer)-You tr not deceiving me? You Were really at tha front? Far.dr Pikes-I wouiun l oecen 7- Bum. I wuz st ae from, out u ; wuz locke.1. Dafs why 1 cum axoo to dc kltchett. Illt th NalL jij in, mil fl SflV Wtl-Il tt nai "iiu uss i"4 be was accuse.1 of UkiDf the cattle?1 Iniulnsi the tourjii. 'I he right thing, strawHK, rvy" ad Amber Pete. "What was It P "1'U b hsDgts!" Hrd to talch. Qtilnn-' wooderwhy th: man Aguln- aldo runs so much? Peganla a nrobubly Intends to make Chicago bis future home. You know It take a little practice to cawo a car there. Very True. Knjorlna the Hrenerr "Did you bare a pleasant trip to Cak 'mia, Mrs. Sktnnarr Yas, Indcad; w plsyed euchre Ui tb way out and ail th way back cajo Record. New at th Otat. She I don't like ber; tb hat a bad habit of calling a apaae a spade. He-You'd think differently if oa bad erer attemptad to teach her auciira, as I did Philadelphia Press. Method la Hla Madn. Short I wish I wars a rumor. Long-Why ao? fihort-Becaua a rumor soon gaiat currency. Chicago News. . Vsrj SwelL a xntt or babbki statu j ni mmm sftiA. if 4 VI ! I I Mlt bore wer aud will grind from 3B0 to aXH) buthelt of grain a da. Th N'etiratka h. m made mill seem ta claaaltToueU into six typea Begm fif katUaag still ua"! Its name from Ma seMweWtwh.it 1st tbe arm and the Mum,- a tw aa. Like the Jumbo. It ua wtiAf St tiK ss a aerrk aad south posb ' prevailing wind of JkNKs awe (ntu these VKdnta of th K ht veltfom that tliwe mills t-s- aa e. Tbe axis of this mill aior W WiKift. gasplpe. shaftlug or an Iron rd. The battleax mill of J. A. Carroll, near Overton, cost I'J5 more thun be average, because It has a thirty-barrel tank connected with It. Near Grand Itland. IHetlrlcb ituennecke speul 11 on a battleax mill and tauk. The faua of tbe mill are fixed In the drtvlug parts of an old thresher, and the brake I taken from au old wagon. Near Crand Island, too is a mill put up by a farmer named Schroeder. who used barrel ttavea for the fans. A. G Ttngley of Tardea put up a cheap battle ax mill whlcb does all tbe work of saw ing 30-inch logs. Elmer Jasperson put up on his farm, rear Ashland, a two fan battleax mill, which baa only an American Beef In Hrnttand. Owing to the scarcity cf beef cattle and fat sheep la the country, and tbe consequent rise In price, very large tup plies of American beef are finding their way all over the country. Edinburgh butchers, who, as a rule, decidedly pre fer the home article, have of late been forced to procure supplies from Liver pool and Glasgow of port-killed State beef. In addition, the chilled beef agencies lu the city have beeu selling largo quantities of American killed beef. A Chicago compauj It dolug a verr considerable trade lu a high class grade of beef. They have already i tahllshed forty agencies In the I'ulted Kingdom. The supplies coming Into Edinburgh for Inst week sre phenom enal, bearing In mind always that this City bat been In the pntt particularly independent of foreign tupplies of bfef and mutton. I'pward of 400 quarters of chilled beef have gone Into contump tlon, and. In addition, a like quantity, viz . 'Jini tides port killed, ail of Aiuerb I can origin. Suppllea of frozen mutton continue about an average of 3R0 car casses, mainly from the Argentine lie public. Lightning Kill KUb. The Pcuusyliaula Hub Commission bad henrd talcs that the brown trout with which some of the streams of the State were stocked were particularly ! susceptible to destruction from llg'it ! nlng. so they began an Investigation and they now announce that the stories nre true. It Is the habit of the brown trout to swim close to tbe bottom of the stream It frequents, and though he It not literally struck by lightning, the electricity It conducted to the bottom of the atreama which have rocks eon talnlng a considerable nmount of Iron In them, and so reaches and kills the trout, while It does not affect the fish that swim higher In the water. lncreartted Strength of China. A Oernai engineer has brought for I wrd a new method of constructing chains so as to eliminate tbe weakness due to faulty material or construction, which sometimes occurs In chains made of solid metal. The method consists in wiMdlag wire Into links aud binding the turns f wire by dipping In a bath of Hi-iHld tlac or other noucorroslve atnterlal. The wired links may also be stiffened by being wound on an Interaal seeel llalsvg adapted to receive tbe wrap plKfls of wire. It It claimed that chams wade by this method provide equal strcntrth with lest watte of metal. fcina)llt) an t American Letters. A comparison of the postal tatlstlct of the world shows that the English people write a third more letters In a year thsn the American, but this Is attributed to the almost general use of the telephone In this country doing away with tbe necessity for so mucb writing. -New York Times. A Welt-Known Man. "Y'.ou say that man who Just went by !a one of the test-known meu In towu?" "Yes; he couldn't borrow a dollar to save bis life!" Yonkers Stateaman. llrirfO Hetliird. "Define divorce." ' If the Interlude to rag time ma! rtruony." Chicago Record London Theatric it Employe. More than 1U.000 people are regular ly employed in the London theater Ten Accident a Day. Street accident lu London amount to about 3,500 a year- nearly ten a day. lUynor 1 bear there la a new baby next door to you. Shyne You don't hear It half as often as 1 do.-Chicago Tribune, The blueeyed one Brilliant and Im pulsive people usuully hsre black eye. Tbe other one Yes; and If they don't have them they're apt to get them If they're too Impulsive. Of Count Not. Pearl- So your friend la from Key West? Baby Tat; and he must be wealthy. Pearl- Why. dear? Buby Because he told me when borne he was not accustomed to baths In anything but Florida water. Hundr. Maud - Lnthel I a nice young man May Yea; but Harry wears button Shoes. Maud-Wbat of that? May Why, bow convenient It would be if we were married! 1 would be sure to misplace my button book and then I could Just borrow his. If the two were misplaced we could both use hairpins. Chicago New. Not a Heiid Secret. "People often suffer from dyspepsia without knowing It." "Well, at least they let everybody slsc kuow it. "--Chicago Beeord. A I'ertlnent Query. Browne--Come around to my house tonight snd we'll have a quiet little game. Towne-When did your wife leare? New York World. A Win Ulrl. Nettie Neivlywcd I'apa, dearest won't you let Augustus and me bars 115,000? Papa What do you want all that money for? Nettle- We want to build one of those houses that cost J3.000 In the advertisements. A Revere Summary. "It's wonderful." said the man with the solemn air of erudition, "what a difference a slight matter will make In the world's estimate of a man." "It Isn't to In literature," waa the an swer, ".v man must hare merit there " "Not necessarily. If he gets his spelling wrong- that's plain Ignoran.v. But If he gets his facts and logic all twisted that'a originality." Washing ton Star. Hud Her Sympathy. "I Just learned to-day," said Mrs. Wederiy, "that my husband la leading a double life." "Well. I don't blame blm much." re plied her spinster cousin. "A single life is awfully tiresome." TfVhe- lanomnt-e Is lHat "Whoas new sill- umbrella la stws you've brought homrV ' "I don't know." "Pon't know':" "No; and. wlui's mere, I dn't ta snow. --Chicago Record, A ttaleJed Jfytn. "Do your Uttto V.L-. t oeilote in Santa Claus?" "No. They till 'as: Christmas, when their vn.i plared the pen. 1 had tbe chlMrea l tbe ball, and be waa to come from Bps tall I with a lot of presents for tiiea." "Tear "Well, we had the llgLta rurntd low. ard he thought h wa dewt when ts wasn't. They NKOftart hi language." -Chicago T11W lTsjfaM. Shoe dealer-Your feet seem to bt swollen. Customer-Yea, honey, dey swelled 'bout de time I got my growth, an' dt swdlln' ain't nebber gone down. H W Making Them. "You should make some allowanc for your former wife faults," aald th friend. "I do." replied the divorce man; "I pay her allmony."-Phlladelpbla Rec ord. In the Dim Light of the Klevator. "Why, good-morning, Mr. Tliornhlll." "Good-morning. Mlsa-ah-Twyman." "But I am not Miss Twyman " "Glad to hear It. I'm not Mr. Thorn hill, etther."-Cb!eago Tribune. Impossible. "in this third act." said the star manager, "you must show that you art violently In love wlrh tbe helreas." "How can I," walled the walking gent, "when I know that she is drawlni $10 less thnn 1 nm '"-Philadelphia North American. A Slight Misunderstanding. She I suppose you were presented tt court while In Loudon? He-Yea. twice; but I was acquitted both times. A Ulgh Kcach. Mr. Williams Watcher yu totin' yet arm In er sllng fur? Mr. Eowler iln a whisper) Stralnel It reachlu' after a turkey what wui rooatlu' In er sycamo" tree. Have Her Keeling. Mlsa Asklt Does your husband smoke those cigars you gave Blm Christmas? Mrs. Nuwed He smoked one, and said be would keep the rest to remind blm of my kindness Baltimore Amer ican. One Thing Needful. ne Man bos a perfect organ of speech. She Well, ao has woman. He Oh, no, she hasn't Her made without stops. Not Very Consoling. Humorist The editor makes fun ' my Jokes. Spacer Well, 1 don't see that yen hare any kick coming. That'a more than you are able to do. Horete Track. "What kind of truck la tblaf de manded tee editor. "Truck?" echoed the pen asplrw. "I wasn't sware I made mention of MJ. But rest assured If I did It la one of the latest horseless variety." The Letter and the Spirit. Askum Do you approve of abbrrrl atlng "Christmas" to "X-mas?" Tellum I wish I could. It uraHf coats m a "C" or an "L." I'd be rill ing to abbreviate It to "V"-mas If fflj wife would agree.- Baltimore American. Tronble In the Clock Work. The big hand-Say, It's 12 o'cloct I'm all run down. The little hand-Let's strike for snort er hours! New York Press. An Kxplanotlou. Jones I saw a messenger boy mi ning this morning. Brown-Why, what waa the matt"' Jeaes-U had Just lost bis Job. A Novel Invitation. A wedding Is so overpewerlftf 10 event that few persons will venturt w blame John Kurtz, hotel-keeper, Queens Borough, whe, according toll" New York Press, forgot to Invite to ceremony his fellow-iiieajbers of vwlunteer fire NBSSar. But when the best of every thiol 10 the hotel had been placed before te wedding guests, and everybody feellaf happy, Kurtz remembered k fellow-firemen, and concluded that tk wedding could not be complete w tbout I hem. So be turned in a fire-alarm. W"0 rhe firemen came dashing up to 1 hotel with the flre apparatus Kurt Stood at the door and Invited tbem r.t .- In At first the boys were Indignant, tid some of them wanted to turn the bo on the hrtflaaiiMMti hot tber re lent and accepted the invitation. PeNSett Alone. Young man Will you be my wife' Youug woman-d am sorry to am engaged myself, but you will my sister Just as well. SoujfTj Journal.