Image provided by: University of Oregon Libraries; Eugene, OR
About The Eugene City guard. (Eugene City, Or.) 1870-1899 | View Entire Issue (Nov. 4, 1899)
Eugene City Guard. I. L. OAMPIM-. frrltar. EUOKNK CITY OKKQON A cynic In a man who rnufit be un happy Id order to appear happy. Every man In a brass band thlnki bis Imitrutuent make the best miiilc. Money In certain cases receives like treatment with men. When It get tight It la locked up. If Dreyfus' condemnation wan a proof of FrUM! Injustice bin pardon m a corrected proof. Ai to prosperity, tbla discovery of the Polnr Star being In reality three stars shows the astronomer's business Is look Jug up. Oyster exports are spoken of. This la one way In which members of an old American family can get Into English society. At the same time no change In waltz tepa will ever completely eclipse a nice position on the steps of the atalra be tmcu the dnnces. "A Cry In the Night" Is Edwin Mark ham'a latest poem. Thla la the first In timation the public has bad that Mr. Murk ham n u a family man. The Kansas City Star nays: "AH the world's a stage, but most of us are In the chorus." Mistake again. Most of us come lu by wsy of the box office. Possibly It's hopeless to ever expect money to be absent In elections. For that matter the very bonllres show they've barrels to burn after tbey are over. A clergyman objects to rice-throwing nt weddings 00 the ground that It Is dls VWpactfVl to the sucrainent of matrl DM0r How ubout the tbrowlug of old hoes? The newpuier record of wills at tests. Increasingly, that men of wealth are very many of them obeying the apostolic Injunction to be "rich lu good works." While wishing well to bicycles and bicyclers, few would mind how great a fulling oh there was In the notion of women being able to ride seven bun drrd miles In forty-eight hours. It may be ticllcvcd that Industrial problems will never bo wholly elim inated until someone evolves a scheme providing for competition In everything we want to buy ind monoiioly lu every thing we want to sell. It has been found that peroxide of Iron, combined with certain chemical, will make a smooth and excellent side walk. The time may come when a side walk will be defined us the right of way and ii streuk of rust The Chlckmiw luillans, not wishing to huve nil their girls wou away by white Bin, have passed n law making the price of a mnrrliige license 5,000, An Indian maiden wooed anil wedded under such circumstances might Indeed be culled one of the dearest girls on earth. They haven stringent homestead law In Texas. I town there a nmu can't mortgage a home of 2iH) acre or less, rtn If Un wife and children are will ing to sign the mortgage. Nor can It lie taken for debt, nor can It be sold uiiIchb the wife signs and acknowledges the deed In private and before an officer out of her huslNiud'a presence. A proper, legitimate and healthy In terest In politics W one thing; a com plete uliHorptlon by politics of all other questions Is another. One Is to Ik- en couraged, the other severely frowned upon. There can lie iu doubt that "too much politics" ami too uuiiiy politician are a serious handicap. Government la not un end. but a means. It la employ ed by the people for their convenience; It Is uot meant they are to become the ItTTttlt to governmeut and to those who usplre to govern. There Is nothing at all Incompatible with wishing surgeons and doctors well uud entertaining at the same time a violent loathing for the uncivilised boor who, while ruling a banana on the Street, thoughtlessly lets the treacher ous peel drop Just where, with the reck-U-ss depravity natural to lniiulnmte things, It ciin bssjt trip up the pedes trian. Fruit Is good, eating Is uot a crime, surgoou must live, iuhI people will go afoot, but there Is no necessity for any dangerous combination of this quartet that may be avoidable by a lit tle thought. The reported ilndttig by n Norwegian cutter of a buoy, marked Audtvo I'olnr Expedition, docs not suriirtse those who rviuctulier the statement made by the daring nearouaut before starting on bis trip. In fact, the surprising thing Is Unit many more buoys have not been found. A large number of especially preiwred buoys were carried In the luilUain, and It was planned that tbey WON to be thrown out at frequent In tervals during the voyage, laden with letters from the explorers. The buoys COUtfltod of a hollow cork bulb, cover ed with copper netting. In the top a sum 1 1 Swedish flag of sheet metal was Inserted. The letters were to lie placed in a watertight vessel In the interior of Uie bulb. The law's delay Is a proverbial Illus tration of deferring a settlement, but a wheelman reports a prospective pro crastination which matches It He celvlng his bicycle In a battered condi tion at the end of a railway Journey, the sarcastic baggageman thus de scrllied the process of obtaining satis faction for damages: "I will report It to the station agent, the station agent will resrt It to the general passenger gsjat the general passenger agent will report It to the master of baggage, the master of baggage will report It to the claim department, then It will go be fore the directors, and In a few years, air, you will receive a call from the counsel of the company asking you .what proof you have that th wheel was not In the same condition whes put aboard the train." From the published reports of bis do lugs the young mail known as the Earl of Yarmouth do.- not fUeerre too UI uatured criticisms that are ix'lng dl p-etrd against bin ills lordship ) poor, w hich Is not nt all to his discredit and be seeks to make un honest living, whleh Is distinctly to his credit. It ll evident Unit be Is far from Is lng a fool, for be has driven a hard bargain with the theatrical mnuager who has cm ployed him. Nor can he be blnrni-d fol utilizing bis title as an asset, seeing that It Is about the only thing of valu Unit he M,ssesses. We may suggest, moreover, that the young man might very easily have turned his patent tc nobility to a more prolltnhle use hai! be chosen to sacrifice his Independent by becoming the husband of soni( American young woman whose papa was willing to buy her n title as h( would buy her n pair of diamond ear rings. All things considered, there fore, the Earl of Yarmouth strikes ui as a rather estimable young man. Tbo Boston Globe gives a vivid ne count of New England farms going tc ruin, especially In Maine. The ubuu doued farm story bns lieon fnmlllar fol years to readers of New England pa pers, but the Globe's description showi the tragical side of the struggle for ex lstence that Is going on In many a New Knglnnd Htute. In Maine many of tb farms aro now practically worthiest and never were valuable except foi the tlmlicr that once grew upon them Itut the lumber Industry of the Pine Tree State Is rapidly passing away, th farms have lieen exhausted, and their owners, In many cases old and poor, are rapidly drifting to the poorhouse. In some of the "towns" the policy ol taking over farms lu return for a guarantee to keep perhaps a man and his wife In Isiord nnd clothes tho re mainder of their days has lieen fol lowed, but even thla Inxepenslve way of acquiring laud Is too costly for tht towns, nnd It Is being discontinued. These abandoned farms are then con verted Into plantations, nnd tbo towns unable to support the farm owners send them back to the farms to make a living for themselves free from taxa tlon. Even this Is frequently bnrd U do, so utterly worn out Is the soil. The most prominent "class In spell I rig" In the U&Hd States Is the Hoard of Geographic Names. It couslsts of ten exis'rts, selected from tho various departments and scientific bureaus lu Warhlngton, who meet monthly for tin- purpose of deciding how disputed geographic names should ho spelled. Their dcelslon Is adopted by the gov ernment for nil Its publlcntlons, by the text-book writers nlso; nnd the news paper editors usually accept their con clusions. I'pon the organization of this hoard In IWH), It adopted certain general principles. These lire some times carried out by postofllcc clerks so mechanically as to bring upon the hoard criticism It docs not deserve. For example, the board decided that wherever It could lie Judiciously done, names of two words, such ns Middle Ilrancb, should Is- written as one word Mlddlebranch. This rule, which was wise when used with good Judgment, became absurd when, In Interpreting It, a postal officer decided that Wssl I '. 1 1 1 1 1 llouch should be sH'llcd West puluilicach. A compromise has boon made, and West I'lilinlicnch adopted Instead. Other decisions of the board are that the final "h" In such a word ns Pittsburgh should ls dropped. Also the "ugh" lu such n word ns Murllsir ongh, and the poHKcNalve form wher ever practicable. The theory of the i uird Is to secure uniformity and sim plicity, not to reform the language. DR. F. W. REITZ. Man Who Is Secretary of Mate of the Triiitsvanl, Or. F. W. Ilcltz, Secretary of State of the TtntiavniU, was formerly Plan dent of the Orange Free State. He comes of nil old German family which settled lu Holland "(Hi years ago. Ills grandfather emigrated to the Cape, and one of his uncles was a lleuteuaut In the MrltUh uuvy. The Secretary's fath er was a sheep farmer, and a muu of considerable learning. Dr. Helta win Ixirn on Oct. f. IN-I-I, and studied at th South Africa College and Inner Temple, 1 Ion. being . ailed to the bar In lNiiS lie returned to the Cape, and after practicing as an advocnte for six years un. r. w. imiT. In Capo Town, was appointed Chief Justice of the Orange Free State. After holding that position for llfteeu years he was elect.nl President lu ISS). Sec retary Kelts' wife Is a Hutch woman of high literary distinction, she found cd at llloemfontcln a library and a club In which ladles discuss the latest lit erary production of Kurope uud America. Two Famous Kings. Two silver rings, of which one Is in I'lirla and the other In Germany, have associations of rare lutercst They were worn by Martlu l.uther and his bride, Catherine de lUvra, on their w .siding day In IBM. The rings bear ou the InaJde the names of Martin Luther and bis wife, and ou the out side are engraved the spear, nails and n.es, the symbols of Christ's suffering and death. The average man Is polite to a lot of other men he would rather kick. A policeman gives further notice when be tells you to "move on." OUTBOUND. M A lonely ssll In tn vast sa-room, I bar pat out fur th port of gloom. The voyssr Is fsr on the trickles tide, The wstcb Is long, snd the ses srs wide. The besdlsnds blue In the sinking dsy Kiss me a hsud on the outward wsy. The fading gulls, ss tbey dip snd veer, Lift ni a voice that I good to bear. The grest winds come, and tbs heaving ses. The restless mother, la rslllng me. The cry of ber besrt Is lone snd wild, Searching th olgbt for her wsudered child. Kesutlful. wsariless mother of mine, In the drift of doom I am here, 1 am thine. Beyond the fathom of hope or fear. From bourn to bourn of the dusk I steer. Swept on In th wak of the stsrs. In the stream Of a roving tide, from dresm to dresm. BUM Csrrnan. CO They Were All borry. sp EOKGE FEKOL'SON, what docs (Cj? thjj menu'" xbe voice wns that of Mrs. Ferguson-shrill, piercing, and ominous. "What does what mean?" asked George. 'This letter!" She held It up. "Laura, have you been " "No, I baveu't been searching your pockets. You kuow I haven't. I wus moving your cout from this chair, and a letter fell out. This la the letter. It la directed to you, and It's In a wom an's hand. You haven't told me of any correspondence you are carrying on with " "Open It and rend It, I .aura," Inter rupted Mr. Ferguson. "If there wue any letter In my pocket I didn't know IL Go ahead and reud It. Maybe U'a u millinery bill." Scorning to reply to this, Mrs. Fergu son opened the letter uud run ber eye over It. "Oh, you didn't know this was In your pocket!" she piped. "You dldu't know It! Maybe It's a millinery bill, la It? Listen! 'My dearest George' so you're somebody else's dearest Si vfe nil i.KTTkii imoeran out or xouu POCKKT. George, ore you? 'My dearest George: Wbeu arc you coining to see me again? I am very lonely' she la very lonely, Is she? Oh, you two faced hypocrite! if you can't come, George, dearest, do write!' she wants you to write If you can't come, does she? 'You can't think, dearest George, how I miss ' " "What nonsense are you reading, Laura?" demanded George, beginning to lie roused. "Do you mean to say "I mean to say 1 am reading this let ter you told me to rend, Mr. Ferguson, 1 am reading this letter I found In your that dropped out of your Hcket. You don't know anything about It, don't you? 'You cau't think, dearest George "I-aurn. nre you fool enough to think that's genuine? Don't you kuow bet ter than to Imagine " "I am n fool, am I, Mr. Ferguson? Well, I'll Just show you " "Let me see the letter." "Let you see It? What do you want to see It for? Oh, no, Mr. Ferguson! I am going to keep It and show- It to my mother!" "Well, hold It so I can look at It I promise you solemnly I will not at tempt to take It away from you." "I'll sec that you don't. Here It Is. Now look at It. Stay right whore yon arc. George Ferguson. Don't you come a step nearer!" "How can I see It ten feet away? Lay It down and then come and tie my hand behind mo If you are afraid I'll " "Ob, yes! Lay It down and you'll grab It! I see through you! What's the use of pretending you never saw this before?" "There doesn't seem to be any use In It Hint's a fact. Nevertheless, I as sure you, I. aura, on my houor aa a man " "On your honor! Humph!" ' Yes, on my honor h'mph! I have never seen that letter before. I never put It In my pOCktt I didn't know It was there. I am not any!ody el-o's dearest George, and that letter I a clumsy fnke got up by somebody who wants to have a little fun with me " i wish I could believe It! Oh, George! George!" iSotwi. "Boys," snld George Ferguson the net day when he went luto the olllce where he was employed downtown, "that was a good Joke some one ol you played on me when you put that letter In my pocket yesterday, but It threatens to break up my family, and I ask as a favor that the chap who did It will Just write a letter to my wife and tell her It was a bit of fun and that I am not to blame In the slightest degree. I don't want to know who It was. All I ask Is that the thing be straightened out." It was late In the afternoon. There HUM a ring at the door bell pertain Ing to the Ferguson dwelling, and a Imosseuger delivered a letter addressed to Mis. George Ferguson. She epened It and r id "Dear Mrs. Ferguson-In a spirit of mischief I slipped a letter In your hus band's coat pocket yesterday which I fear may hare fallen Into your hands, and In order to atone for any misun derstanding It may possibly have caus ed I wish to say that I wrote It my-elf and that It Is purely Imaginary. With great respect, I aubacrlbe myself yours truly." This waa signed "Marcellus Hnnkln ton." Hardly had she flnlshisl reading this when another messenger CMM and left another letter. It rend thus: "My Dear Mrs. PerftMOIIS I have a little confession to make. Yesterday, In a thoughtless moment, I wrote a let ter purporting to come from some wom an and dropped It Into your husband's pocket. For fear you may have se n It 1 take occasion to assume the respon sibility for tho clumsy Joko nnd to apol ogize for It. Vltb gn at respect, yours Sincerely." The signature was "Oliver Peduncle." Then there enroe another letter also by special meaaenger. It was aa fol lows: "My Dear Madam: 1 anion me for addressing you, but I wish to plead guilty to the perpetration of a foolish Joke on your huaband yesterday. I wrote a lovo letter islgned 'Dollle,' If I remember rightly and slipped It into Mr. Ferguson's COlt ocket. Fearing It may have met your eye I write tills to exonerate your husband and to take 1-. the ipan would drop Into the river i. i. intni-lno- the tilers. Current was secured from a near by generating plant, and leading wires were run to the fart':et span. Each of the timbers cut was next encircled with a heavy reslatance wire and connections run to the rialn circuit The resistance of these wlrea was ao proportioned that t. passage of an electric current of deOulte strength would bring them to a cherry red. Just on the same principle as uu Incandesceut lamp filament Is nlUOOE 1IKFOHR WHECKIIfO. brought to a nearly white beat To muke the cuttlug, or more correctly, burning, more positive, a five-pound snsb weight was hung at the bottom of each loop. In exactly one hour and forty minutes after the application of the current each timber waa cut through by the hot wir.w to a point where the weight of the structure was sufficient to break the rest, and the spun they supported tumbled Into tho river. Tbl operation waa repeated FALL OF TnE FIRST SPAN. upon myself tl-j entire blnme for the silly performance. Respectfully yours." It was signed "A. Spoonamore." The bewildered woman had hardly poni-ed this note nnd laid It on the par lor table with the others, when a fourth cr.me. It was to this effect: "Permit me, my dear Mrs. Ferguson, t atone for an act of thoughtlessness committed yesterday. Yielding to a hr.sty Impulse. I wrote a letter to your husband purporting to come from some feminine admirer. This I placed In one of the pockets of his coat, unknown to him. As It may possibly have fallen Into your hand, I take the liberty of nssurlug you that I alone am to blame for the stupid Joke and to express my hearty contrition." The signature to this was "Wesley Hlglntop." About two hours later Mr. Ferguson enme home. He wns whistling, with apparent unconsciousness of any do mestic trouble, pout, preaent, or to come. "George," exclaimed Mrs. Ferguson, In a high-pitched voice, as she met him nt the door, "where are those other let ters?" Chicago Tribune. WRECKING A BRIDGE. Norel Vme at Klcctrlclty fnccessfnll7 Tried at Cilntnn, Ind. The 7:'.o foot bridge over the Wnbasb at Clinton, Ind., wus wrecked In Au gust by a I lousier, who employed the heating power of an electric current to do the work, without Injury to the sub structure. This exceedingly Interest ing feat Is described lu the Western Electrician. It appear! thnt the bridge waa, up to that time, the only toll bridge lu the Stale, ami was owned by one man. It had become antiquated, and the county authorities purchase! It with the Idea of erecting a steel bridge In Its place, using tho name piers nud approaches. I'nder the terms of the coutract, the owner of the bridge was to remove the superstructure luslde of thirty days, without Injuring lu any way the sus taining piers and masonry. This was apparently a very easy Uisk, but, after consultation with bridge builders, house wreckers, riggers, engineers, and, In fact, every one who had a plan to suggest, the only prai ileal plnu evolved was to build n false work and take the bridge down piecemeal. To blow the bridge up with dynamite would prob ably Injure the piers, nnd to burn It would likewise crnek nnd Injure the masonry. The thirty days elapsed, and no plan had been decided uion. An ex tension of the time for one week wns granted. At this vdnt a young elec trician living In Clinton HUM to the fore with a scheme to literally cut the bridge down with hot electric wlrea, and this unique plan was dually suc MMfUUy carried out with tho greatest satisfaction, tho operation requiring but tcu hours. The bridge, which was nullt In 1853, consist. si of three spans, with n 70-foot draw, and. as already mentioned, wns ISO feet long. Each of these spans was Composed of nine chords, each consist ing of three nine-inch by nlue-lnch yel low poplar timbers. It Is perfectly evi dent, therefore, that if each of these timber! was cut through simultaneous with each span without a bitch or de lay of any kind. An examination after the fall of the bridge showid how thoroughly tbe cur rent had done Its work. Each tluiU-r was burned through to tho same extent, namely, five Inches deep on the top uud three Inches on the sides, the cut being comparatively clean, the wood uot be ing charred morethan an Inch on each side of the po nt of con act with the hot wire. A Chtnnso Dooley. Two Irishmen stood at Gates avenue nnd Uedford street dlscusslug a Chi nese laundry sign. "Kin ye say It Pete?" "Where?" "There; don't ye say It?" "Oh, 01 do now." "Well, they sny a Chinaman's foerst r.-.me la hi last name. Do ye blavu It, Pat?" "YIs." "Then rnde It backwards." "But rade It furrc. is feerat an' It spells Lee Dew." "Hut rade It liackwards, man." "D-e-w, lo; L e e, I Dooley." "Kolght ye are, Pat, an' Dooley Is a folue old Irish name, but It's the feerst tolme In me lolfe I Iver beerd of a Chi nese with un Olrlsh name. He ought to bang, the spnlieon." Tbey stepped Into a barroom to liqui date. New York Press. Juvenile Depravity. "Pnpa," snld the liny, ns they drove along, "that's the same horsetly that was buzzing around the horse when we Btarted out lsu't It?" "Yes." "Then one horsefly will follow one horse more'ri a dozen mllea, won't It?" "It seems so." "I reckon," snld the loy, who hnd been busy thinking again, "you'd call It a one-horse fly, wouldn't you?" "Perhaps." "Thou It wns a one-horse town where we got this rig, wasn't It?" "Don't lie too fly, my son," snid pnpa. grasping his whip nnd meet-lug the ne cessity tlruily. Chicago Tribune. A Horse's BiniOi Every soldier knows that a horse will not step ou a man luteutlonally. It e a stnudlng order In Uie Itrltlsh cavalry that If a trooper becomes dismounted he must lie still. If he does this, the whole squadron Is likely to pass over him without doing him Injury. The Rival. A Itoer Dettoacy. Tills is a BOO delicacy: A great square slice Is cut off a lcnf made of coarse, unsifted meal, nud covered with a thick layer of Jam perferably strawberry. A row of sardines Is then placed on top. and the oil from the anr dlue Ux Is Uborally poured over the whole. A Oreedy Crane. A New Y'ork man claims to have shot a crnne up In the Adlrondacks that had forty-five trout In Its stomach, MM of which Weighed less than a pound. At the store when? feather, nre taken In trade the fanner's wife pays dow n for w hat she gets. ODD PLOATtNO BRIDGES OF PRINCE EDWARD ISLAND. LET US ALL LAUGH. bloating bridges are pkturesoue aiTa!rs, but one who ventures on them for the tjrt time feat that he la risking hl safety in cro.ing. Th one shown in MM Llindrittion does uot span, but lie upon the beautiful Morrell river, la Prince Kdw-ard Island. The central portion it merely a raft, attached at each end to slightly more .Utlonary divisions. The stretch Is long, and as a vehicle crosses " bridge awaya aad thwaloai to Boat aowi stresm. in th flood season. 0r ma at high tide, the water frequently comes up over the timbers, and at th horse snls.he through the water the sense of uneasiness Increases If one is not bred to such methods of getting from one side of a river to another. In winter the bridge it embedded so firmly la the ice thst It It as stable as the Brooklyn bridge, but st that tessQi it la not needed, for one may cross anywhere on tb ice for six months or mora. JOKES FROM THE PENS OF VA RIOUS HUMORISTflL Plaasant Incident Occurring the World Uvar-Haylna that An Cheer idi to Old or Yonnaj-Ifnnnr llc tie that Yost Will Knjoj. The Colonel-He'a awfully fond of making us flgnt nt close quarters. Tbe Captain No wonder! He al ways lived in a flat Kansas City In dependent. The Kla-bt Time. Joneo-That new preacher knows his business. Mrs. JonesWhat makes you think so? Mr. Jones-He waited until Bobby got Whipped before he tried to convince him that fightlug was wrong-Kansas City Independent Undoubtedly. The Son-Pa, what Is a "lost resort?" The Sire A summer one. Kansus City Independent A Dlsa-nated Paanaer. "No. sir." said a passenger on a ateumshlp to the captain, "I am not seasick, but 1 am disgusted witn ine motion of the vesael.'-Ohlo State Journal. It IiuiIkiI L.lka a Trim. "Havo you seen Tlmpaon's new trup'7" "I guess It was his trap. Any way, he had thnt rich young Oilfeather girl In It" Cleveland Plain Dealer. Ill Difficulty. "Do rroof Knon.k juu iM-iiere thnt She-It's strange thot the littlest things lu life offer the greatest dltll- cultlesl He Thnt's so! Last night for In stance, I could find the house all right, but for the life of me I couldn't tlud the keyhole!-Heltere Welt Cloae Re emblanre. "You say tho two girls look alike?" "Look alike! Why, sir, when they were marrltsl their husbands moved to different cities for fear they'd got 'em mixed." Chicago Post I ettlnsr It Out. "Did the postman leave any letters, Mary?" the mistress asked, oa return ing from a visit one. afternoon. "Nothing but a postcard, ma'am." "Who Is It from Mary?" "And do you think I'd read It, ma'am?" asked the girl, with an Injur ed ulr. "Perhapa not But any ono who sends me n uuswuigc on a postcard Is either stupid or lniiK-rtlnent." "You'll excuse me, ma'am," returned the girl. loftUy, "but that's a nice way to Ih talking ubout your own mother!" Sydney Journal. A Photographer's Harvest "Where are you going?" "To have my picture taken." "Don't go to that artist; he'll make you look melancholy." "I know It. Thnt's why I'm going td him. I'm going to send the picture to my wife- she's away and threaten to come home." Detroit Kree Press. Never Oeserta a Friend. The Ant Hang It tiinn, why don't you strike some one else for a loan? You always come to me. Tho Graaabopper (loftily) sir, I never desert a friend aa long as he has a dollar. Just the Patient for It m. Young Dr. Fresh Here comes that Mrs. Towler. Positively there lan't the tlrst thing that alls her. Old Dr. Sngo- Kvldently you are Just the man for her ease. Hoetoti Transcript. Nuturally. ruddy Did you ever notice that moat of the black-face nrtlsts are Irishmen? Duddy--Naturally. An Irishman Is right at bom In Cork. Boston Transcript. He Hart -een Them. "I think," said the o!d lady wisely, "that young Mr. Blnks bus a hold on Uabol'l arTectlons." "Possibly, tKwslbly," replied the old gentleman, who had just glanced into the parlor. "At any rate, he has a hold on her waist."-Chicago Poet. One nn the Doctor. "I suppose," said the quack doctor, while f.-ellng the pulse of a patient "that you think me a humbug?" "Sir," replied the sick man, "I per ceive. voir can discover a man's thought by his pulse,"-Ohlo State Journal. Mrana-e Obstinacy. "It's funny how things work," re marked the tlueut man. "I have tried cvei whlng for Insomnia without the least relief. And tbe other evening I merely mentioned a few of the expedi ent I had tried, and every man to tbo room was fast asleep before I had got half through."-Boston TraMcrlpt years waa ever as a day, and 7? a thousand years?" "I believe the latter half . enough-I've Just spirit the ,i " dentist's."-Detroit free PJH Touching-. . you w.Te touch- w your wife gave you lat 2S chair r h, -!i?wWnsJ iuj mic tuuiu come by ,J" Journui. t1 A Trenture Cynic-Whnt makes unlimited cxmtldemv in Tom ' I Cheerful-1 gave hT $in t ' ' 1 iH 1 J I ll .1 1 SMBJ v ioe v ll.llie-e. lie tr,. t . i rree A Hard Uue,tl0o. "My brain Is In a tumult," aid a. perspiring genius. "And where," queried his SjL minded wife, "Is the tumult'" A Victim . , . . ... n . . ,-, -11- It jij wue oils r i i in,, iivi,. at marriage. V....f.. - . re II I1CKV I of m,- nil. . , ""ft, .' nil? ; 'j mien me ivt sitim t a... i.u ' i ill -I ,.v,Ti ,. t . .. ' I. . . .. ' uki. ueirort rree Press. A Mental I "Why," snld the trol!ev cn, man, "I once stopped my ear within u men or a man who had slipped on iruca. ies, replied Itlffklns "r a. , absent-minded myself at tliuea"-lni. aueiprua .orth American. The '1 rnn.lnllnn "I had some French naeUaa . 1V luncheon to-day," said Dobaoa. ttnat are they?" asked Jfn. D,a son. "Well, translated Intoftirfkh t avu they are robins," said Dobsou."- per's Bazar. Reaann for If, "Why Is she only In half - Of course, she married oW SVhifihn ta ins money. Ilul ougniui nsMs.'l his memory now that he's dead." "Oh, she thinks she's doing all that It required under the circumstances, jj, only left her half his fontuie."-Chlit, go Post Well kcciimtnended. 1mm "What recommendations bsrt for the position of floorwalker?" "I won six cake-walks last sunian Particularity. He Let me sny, for argument, t I love a particular woman. She It would tie ijulte vain. 111 were at all portlcular.-Detrolt Joffl Hnfc Fnonih. 'They any young l-olley has wandering la his mind lately," mm man to another. "Well," was the heartless reply, "fl what I've seen and heard of him1 safe enough: he can't wander vjK Youth's Companion. The Secret of It. Ann Eliza-There goes Mat) I loney. She's th' styllshest dreaaP of any of us. Maria June An' small wonder. ' miaaus la th' same slue 's ber.l poya th' best moddlst lu th'' I'hiladelpIilA Bulletin. lit. -err than Wilhelm. Wntts-These poems about hlifr ty, the baby, make me weary. Potra-Me, too. As If every m man didn't know thut majesty where near It The baby Is tb' Indianapolis Jouruul. jefe) Not a Native. "Has Eugene Dobbins alwa." In the first circles?" , "I have my doubts: he "''V, hardwood lloor as If be wm1' It" Detroit Free Press. tip to the Matidnst y "What la your Idea of I P "Well, any Joke that n JL because you didn't thln self." Detroit Free Pre Hla Wonderful Pf Papa went a-tishiug ... With his pockets full of " He went all by his kWSS. And the luck he haJ u , -(ih bl" He came home, bringing w" A string of fish thnt Just twenty pounds, be toll And a lovely meal they Papa went a-fishlng Upon nuother day, . . And mamma she went with M He couldn't say ber oar. They came a-tn.dgins bolBSWili All tired out ut night. And manimn told us PH'1 Had never had s bite. My papa's broken records Of nearly every iur. A greater man than he is It would be hard to find. He's always doing SHml But here's what He never seems to do thou When folks sre there to TitnsM.IIpraiu. The performance of tie - - i oft, a. music rack.