Eugene City Guard. I. t. AMI ll r I I ri.tl.i.r. EUC1ENK CITY.. ORKOON No. Tho tile ond the hut trust hare o connection with ouch other. win the fti wHnii f the eoppsf tniKt bo likely to iSSCt the price of rents? We nre not Inclined to the opinion that the man who want to marry Ueleu (;oiild U liiHane. I . The laundry combine recently Incor porated In New Jersey will put up the ItnootheNt front of them nil. The Intern Idea Im to build a warship to In- railed 'The American lilrl." It teems natural to think of a suoiig iruiot round It wnlst. An eminent singer Iiiih recently or dered her tomlmtone. While oslbly no press agent's story, It certainly ban a "positively hurt farewell" look about It A new tel. 'scope now liollig built fur the lnrlM exposition In warranted to bring tin- IWMM within forty one mile of us. At too Bhort range there may be tome danger that wu ore all become luuatlcM. r. e A palmlHt Hay that he read Kipling's palm la-fore he became famous, and that lie Lin n, throughout the poct'H Illness l"t winter, thai he would get well. If In- had MM fit to announce the fact It might have relieved a very v Idespresd sasiety. The rule ngolnat the wearing of lint" tu a place of public amusement has now become Hulllclently a matter of cotirHe that the womnu who keep on hat- especially a hat of the prillOl season throughout a concert or play Slump herself iin lacking In breeding. The miliaria mlcn.be, U well a many other dlacuac genua, la an anlinnl, on (lowed with probably all the attributed of higher brute life. To Nature mere ize U nutlilug. A micro!- therefore limy be, for all we poor clutnay liclng may know, a more perfect Itclng than we ourselves are. Now the CJUOStion la, ahould not the Hoclely for the l'reveii tlM of Cruelty tu Animate, the antl vIvlHectloiiliitH, etc., pounce on the men who are using these poor little microbe! au roughly We nrv all nilcrola-s. An editorial commentator In London, In reviewing the recent Vamlei hilt Fair wedding In New York, puta forth the following reflections: "The wed ding prcacntH are said to lie worth 1400,000, and the description of them n ails, iih one Indy Irreverently aald, like a chapter In llevelatlon, all big pearl and gold. The Incident Would not be worth mention but for three facta of aoine social Importance. Mil ls that the plutocracy In America ex cltce at leiiat us much attention iih the aristocracy In Kurope; another la that plutocracy thluka It advisable to advor tine Its iplMdori and the third la that the democracy, Inalead of envying thll wealth, evidently enjoys the profusion It produces as a aort of highly colored picture that break the deadly mount nuy of the scene around The wedding la a ma MUtl with a continent for spec tatora." Some of our foremost educator are In favor of aavlng time by shortening the spelling of certain wold. The Idea I not new, nnd many newspaper have long Is-en accustomed to shorten audi word a "programme" Into "program" ami "prologue" Into "prolog." Iteuelit l.v Superintendent Andrew ha recoiu mended lO teaclu-r In the public BChooll of Chicago the following lint of words for amended lllng: Program (programme), tho (though), thoro (thor ough!, thorofuro itlioroughfHrel. thru (through), threout (tbrougbout)i rntu- log (catalogue), prolog iprologuci, deou log idccalogucl, dtmagOg idcmagogue), podugog ipeilagoguul. i if course thla list Is simply n starter In the pathway nf reform. Just where the matter will end It la dlfllcult to ay. John Hilling mi a pioneer In thl line of endeavor, and hi "fom-tlc" spelling, which mu-d to cause great amusement, and which was the foundation of hi fame a a humorist, mny become the sclcntltlc PWthod of the future. Hilling tiled in prove that he could be funny without "fnneilcs." and h role a lot of humor ous puiiigraph for the old Serlbner' Magnr.lnc. entitled "t'ncle INcck Wis dome." but they failed to make a lilt, and Hillings' experiment was a failure. No doubt the present spelling of many afordl la cuuils'i sonic, but reformer will lad their task little abort of the Impossible. The changes of a century have made the White House poorly adapted to the requirements of a rreldeutlal man lull. '('he iissocliitloiiH connected with the historic edltbv Iiiim- OSUSCd heslta HOD in making a decision to enlarge or remodel It. It stand a the cuilmdt incut of altnpllclty that charncterlaed the spirit and conduct of the govern Ilieut of our great republic III ll- car llest day The l'rosldelit and III fain lly practically live In what might ho called a tint. The White House la a two story building, and for atrlctly family purposes only alsmt two third of the second story can be uaeil. Near ly nil of the tlrst loot I devoted lo half pablk service Its eastern third form the famous Kast Room, which Is open dally lo the public. The Ids) Itooiu, the lllue ItiMiin and the tlroen Boom It, in I mi I ly htitllg t the President family, but are lu reality of little uae to I htm. On the wall of these parlor hang fatuous painting, some of which have baau presented by popular organ! nit ons, like the painting of Mis Haves, given by the Woman' Christian Tom pontara rnion. The people, tu visiting the White House. auine (At right to Bee theae palntltiga, and the privilege, under certain real rlct Ion, la usually graulist. In the lllue Itooiu the I'rcsl dent recelv,- foreign tultllatera and other distinguished visitor of state Thla destroy the privacy of the p u lora for family uae. There la really but one private room on thla door the family dining nsun, to which atrauger are rarely admlttisl. One thlnl of the Bec-ond tlnor 1 uaod for ottlce. There la the Cabinet Hooui, the War Room, with ita corp of Islagraphsm, offln-a for the President, ii i- rotary, and the half down clerka who attend the correspondence. The reinnlnliig two thlrda of the tloor an- the iiiartinenta of the rrealdent and his family. They are relatively amull and Inconvenient. The kitchen, laundry and other workrooms ure lu the eapaelnua baeuieut. It la somewhat surprising that In thla ago of Improvement nolsnly ha tnado un attempt to reform the American Joker the man who doe scrap for the poak weeklies and for (he funny de partment of the dnlllea, and who, for the time, I the chief exilie!lt of the humor of the nut ion, say a writer In the Saturday Evening Post Thai thla Joker la exceedingly effective a a inlrth-provoker one Iiiih but to watch the merry reader to underNtandj but, alter all, I linn- lint mora to a Joke IBM u mere laugh? In nut Ho- effect of a Joke upon tha serious tendeiiclca of the public a matter for thoughtful WlUlllaHllnnl Should not the Joker Im governed by a sense of moral responsi bility' Tin- subject of tin- American humorist are few and an- mostly kept in stock. It la aourcoly neceasary lo DPI tlOfl them seriatim, a they hav already botfl niciitliincd a large Bttffl ts-r of thoUHimdH of tluicN. With tin tramp Joke one cannot (iiarrel aerloua ly, although perhaps It la not cnlculated to dlscoiirnge vagrancy or to fortify the general aense of tliiiinclal reapoiielblll ty. The inother ln law Joke I Hhowltig sign of deoropl t udc, after a vitality of fifteen or twenty year, and may be dis missed with the grateful rellectloti that It hua never been worse than tin e v h I bitiou of azacrabla huto, Tha Joko of the delayed lover nnd tin- toe of the father'a boot I no doubt useful In Ita apbern of Influence, and may be per milted without cavil to (Might, for generation lo Ooma, Ihose whom It I capable of delighting. Then- are, how ever, at least two of the slock subject of the American humorist which ahould have been confiscated long ago, name ly: llttor Intoxication ami the Insecu rity of the marriage tie. Iw funny publications are considered complete which do not picture a man reeling Inline from the "club" with a maudlin excuse to bis waiting wife, or n Wedded pair OOmmontlng flippantly iiimiii the passing of line or the felicity iiud fa cility of divorce. The youngster who I Inclined to bUUM himself severely for Ida llrat step In dissipation tutus to the humorist, and Is Informed that what he lias done I not a sin, but a Joke; w hy should he worry over aoine thing about which the world Is laugh lug? The young couple having their Hrt tlffa nre grievously worried until they chance upon the sarcastic phlloso phy of the funny man; then they laugh bitterly at each other, ami ask why SO absurd a thing as love should Im- taken aerlnnaly. Their effort at elf control and self abnegation diminish; It I use less, they conclude, for them to sting gle to maintain an Ideal relationship Jn a society w hich lluds opsirtunlty for uilrlh In proc ling for divorce, lu such 10 bj aCtl as these (here can be no real humor, and the man who trh s to Joke about tin-in I guilty of a moral IMS mnjeste which ahould not go un punished. RUSKIN IN HIS OLD AGE. THE TWO OLD WOMEN. I V' 1 1 ii ' ii u Yearsuiol i'nwrrs of t he rr Who Wrote "Mo.lrrn P ililtloas." A corraapondanl who baan tlj rli lied BrnntWOOd says that Mr. Kiisklt, now la able to lake but little ten, a (Ion. Most of hi time la su-nl In lile Ntudy, from which there Is a tine view of Collision Lake, nnd the gnal falls at the Southern end of It, falls which were painted bj Turner, ami which tig nre so prominently : the deacrtptlona In (he "Idyl of the King." Tor some year past visitors have been forbidden an audience except III very rare cases. Krantwood. a the many know, I unite a temple of art. Turner have been crowded Into the place to the overshad owing of nil other artists, even men like old Croma and William Hunt. Mr, Uuskln'a tiny l-d room I hung all round with Specimens of the great mas ter. There are two studios at Breeb WOOdi and at the time of the corre spoudent'a visit there stood on tha easel of one of them Mr. Itu-kln' last atudy, au enlarged pstCOCh'l feather. im being nahared into tha piofaaaui'i Iireeiu-e the visitor was rcelved v-ry kindly. There was an liuulrlng look In the deep set gray ejes, with their evl- ; deticea of faded tire. Warning had Ix-en given that a long conversation , could not I'c allowed, but the talk drift ed round to a subject lu which Mr. ltnnk III had bash Interested nearly for ty year ago. He remembered a cer tain picture and contrasted It with a, modern work by the s.uue artist. Ilia ! memory bad not failed him nor hi Hit I teal acumen. The portrait Is from the latest photograph, taken by Mr. Mc PtoBand. Uacerd, ami ha not pre, vlously hah published. It wa (aketi In Mr. KuKklu'N study at lltant vvp.hI. and allow him with all hi recent wealth of hair and silvery Is ard. Tutinet (y Aula. The aii(a of South America have lieotj known (o conatntct a tunnel tbrvs) mill's In length. Thoa of you who are Usiklug foi aomethlng Ml might try going t church. All tlilnga come to hi in who walta bad luck lucliidisl. Two gathering rrope. antique and gray, Together talked at clow of day. One said, with brow of wrinkled rare. "LUga cup at brat waa aweet and fair; "On our young Hp, with laughter gay, It cr cu in of briuiuiiug uvctar lay; "lint vapid then it grew, and atale Aud tlrrsoiue aa a twice told tale; "And here In weary age and pain , Ita hitter dreg alou remain." Tin- other, with contented eyr, Ild down her work aud made reply: "Ye, I'fe w bright a morning tide, Yet, when the foam and aparkie died. "Mure rich, met hough t, and purer, too, It well concocted eener grew; "E'en now, tho low it plrit draloa, A i l Utile In the cup remalna, "There' sugar at the bottom atill And we may take It If we will." - New York Ledger. eeeeoeeeeeeeeeoea I o S Tom's Revolver. JOHN III SHIM. Tbcork-a are Impracticable plana fur doing things that are ImpossiWe. If delaya arv daugeroua lawyers aiu bo a brave WL AHAtDl parlor of (he furm-bouse among the Maine inountalna hail enough tOUebea of QUlOt ginal taste about It lo make ua wonder at alght of a COmmoa four-ounce gliiNN bottle which occupied a coliNplciloua plan- on the corner w hat not, further honored by a worsted mat under It ami a small Isiuitiel of dried gruaaea atuck into ii month. "Yon, thStfl mother'a whim ahe will bars It there." aald the eldeat daitgb ter, who waa a teacher, now home for the long summer vacation, during which time two or three of ua city ."SSldentS were fortunate enough to ond accommodation u boardero, "She cull It Tom' revolver." re marked another mombol of the family; whereupon I aet It down with a auddeu Ues which made Tom laugh. "ih. then- isn't anything niout it novvl" be aald. "I've told mother lota of times I'd NM-nil every cent I've got, and buy her (he handsomest vow down to PtneTlUa if abe'd tot me smaah that old bottle against tbv atone wall, but ahe won't." "Tell ma what (here I, is baafl alaiut It." I urged. "There'a a atory, lau't tberi-1" Tom was a big boy - Juat aa the "gawky age," hi alater had contldeii (tall) Inforuusl im but wun neither un couth nor III lnannareil. So, w ithout more than a reasonable amount of coaxing and encouraging from other, and tho BMdaht disclaimer proper from a Isiy who tlgurcN un hla own hero lu lila own story, Tom begati: "ll ma lu early prlng. and the doc tor had been here uml left prearrlpt Ion for something father had got to ha to Just aa quick ii we could get 'em. Ami he thought the doctor that If we got them over lo Pluevllle It would Im- ls-t-ter, for they didn't have very fresh drugs down here at tin- Corners. "So I made up my mind I'd go over the hills 11 saves nearly half the way, only four tulles going nnd four back. I'd have to walk, but 1 didn't mind that, for I knew It would be about iin bard to go round on hois, hack, for thcn'il bean a thaw, and the lower road were no slump) folks could bard ly get through at all. "1 hadn't got more (linn half way over when I met Sipiire Ptammer, bunting all round, ami says he to me: " Tom. I've loal Old lllacky, aure'a you live!' "And aiiya I: " 'I want to know, sipilreP "And say he: "'Yea, Indeed. Tom. She' been gone three days she's tin- heat cow I had blooded slock coat me n lght of uion ry. and I'm offering three dollars to gUJ one 'II lllid her.' "I told li mi I couldn't go out of my Way on account of father, but I'd keep a sharp lookout wherever I'd go: and you'd belter believe I did, for I'd a' been glad enough to get that much money for so little work. Hut 1 got Into town without seeing an) thing of her. 1 sat down by the drug man's counter to i,st a bit while be was putting up the stuff, thinking how I'd change my route going back, and perhnpa I'd Strike her yet. "The man brought two Isitlle. nnd aet one down while he wa wrapping up the other. 1 took It hp and took out the cork. " 'Take care, there,' he aya; 'don't you smell that!' " 'Why not?' any I. " You'd be sorry If you did,' any he. 'Il would knock you down QUlcbsr'U if you wa abot.' "He went on to tell me It was a most awful strong kind of ammonia that was used for drawing blister. Would do II In lea time than you'd take to tell about il moat. "Then I asked him If It wa any kin to smelling salts, and told him how I'd got hold of mother's smelling sails In church, unbeknown to her, long ago. When I was a little shaver, and had taken the biggest kind of a sniff, be cause ll wa the tlrst chance I'd ever hud at It. and I thought It something good they'd been keeping from me. And how I'd kicked ami acrccchcd, aud bow mother 'd bad to haul me out of church and Use up no end of lemon drops uud ginger cook Ice to bring un to. "So the drug man laughed, and any the stuff In the bottle wu aomethlng of tin- MUM ort, only they weren't to be mentioned lu the same day for strotignea or, If you made nuy com parlsoti at ull. It would la- to compare the smelling aalts to the smallest mite of a baby, and that ammonia to Ita big tiollath of a great great grandfather. "I didn't auiell It, but started for home vvltli old Hlucky and father ou my mtad Old Blacky, to ace If I couldn't Hud her aud get that three dol lar, and father. N-cauae I wauled to get buck as qui, k a I could. "It aevmcsl rougher going hack over the hill than It had coming I aupHe because I wa a little tired. Some time the way waa through pasture lot, but mostly It wa over fallow ground, bushy ai I atuuipy, and plenty Of rocka. but i.et many trees. There wasn't any roadway. "I badu't got near to the summit wbeu I saw something that made me atop abort something dark bt-blud rocke and buihee. down In a kind of little hollow. There were no leavea on the buahea, you know; o I could aeo aomethlng through them that looked like black balr. "I went a little nean r and looked a little harder, and then I off with my ana ami nrnag it around, and sang out: 'Hurrah for thai three dollars of jroura. 8Ulrc Plnmmer!' Theti I culled: Co' Uiaa, co' boaa, io' bo! Come. Blacky, come!' "But the old thing wouldn't atlr. 1 picked up aotnc Utile st and hbd Vm at her lo hurry hef up. I didn't want to loae time, but I did want to drive her home with me for fear one else might get alu ad "f tin- If I Itfl her there nnd then ennic ba k. I 'ailed to her and kept on throwing, but tlll she wouldn't budge an Inch. "Thou I thought I'd slide down the aide of the hollow ahe w is In. and get ahead of her and drive her out. I tttod rolling down a lot of atom- and gravel flrat, nlmoat over hef head, to aw If that wouldn't statt ben but It didn't. Ko I began alldlng myaelf down. But jiit then I heard irowl ucb a growl a no mortal cow ever made yet. I know. And there began inch a acmtchltig of gravel ami such n scrab bling up that bank, mixed up with growla ull the (line, that I scrabbled myaelf up pretty lively, nnd "lurted to run, I tell you. "When I'd got s little pbee off 1 looked buck, nnd Just getting to the top of the bunk was Old lllacky; but l( wnan't a bluek cow. It WSS s black la-nr, aure'a fOU live!" Tom paused n moment to enjoy the little ripple of astonishment and dla muy which c e In Just here. "You'd better believe I run. But it won hard work up hill, and rough, too. I tumbled over logs and I Jumped through bushes, and he trotting after me nil the time, mad, I suppose, with the atlrrlng up I'd given him, growling like a young thunderstorm all the while. "Soon I began lo feel how- llred my walk had made inc. nnd (o wonder how It would be with me If I got clenr tired out In-fore the betir did, ua BSOUied very likely. "When I knew I couldn't hold out much longer I made fur a tree, and cIIiiiImi! up It iiulckcr than I ever climbed n tree Is'fore or since. "Then I tried tu catch my breath and think ll bit. I was glad to be out of reach of the bear, but I wondered bow long In- might keep me up that trsj lie fore nny one came to look for me, and I thought of father wanting the medi cine, ami. if you'll belters me, I thought, too, about that blamed old cow and the thr lollara I wasn't go lug to get for Sliding her. "Hut It doesn't take long to think you know, for 1 thought ull that befort the Deaf got to the foot of the tree, nnd It wna a mighty short while, too; and when he did get there be walked "ttr Vokkd tits n,t v vti g i p B( TWKK.il tiik LOWBB OBAXCaTBI " around it, and smelted a little, uud the first thing I knew he was , Lining away tit the bark, and climbing up after me. "Then I ltegaii to think harder than ever. I'd read of a boy who was up u tree, with a bear lifter li 1 in. and lie cllmlH-d out on some weak limbs, where the bear hud sense enough lo know he couldn't go. uud he kept the poor little chnp there, growling ill Dim, (III Nome one came uud shot the hour. Hut thl wasn't that kind of n tree. The limb were siuhby, and 1 knew the bear could go almost as far us I could. "I looked down to see what chance I'd have If I swung myself down, nnd got a new start of him; but the tree was n tall one, and If was all stony under the branch where I wu. if l should get n sprain or a hurt. It would be ull up with inc. So my only chance was lo keep out of his way the best I could. 1 put tny hand Into my pocket, to get out my knife, for I wasn't going to let him get the better of me without a tussle. "Then what do you guess I felt? And what do you guess I thought? Why. 1 felt (hut Isittle of nmmonla, and I thought of that time In church. And. cracky! If I could help laughing right out. us I thought If I could only get It ou that bear as I'd got It on myself long ago. If all that man said wa true, perhaps k would semi bim kiting down as good as if he'd been shot. "1 poured u lot of It on tny handker chief, 'most ull there wns, looking out to keep a little buck for father, till more could Is- sent for. I tried to kivp from gelling the smell of It myself, but the wind whiffed some of It Into tny face, and do the licet I could It strati gled me o 1 came mlgbty ucar drop ping. "I held the handkerchief tight In tny band, and reached It down Jut u the Is ar imkevl his ugly muiale up between the lower bruuehea. He gave a big sniff a he saw- It willing, thinking. I MppOOS, he'd got me sure; and the next Instant 1 was rubbing It like fury against bis ti. se and Into his eyes. "Be gave a most awful snort, and let go, and went crashing down on the atone aud buahea. 1 thought for a moment be wa dead, but be wasn't, lie scrabbled himself up. and went euarllug and tumbling over aud over, downhill like all poaaoaaed. "1 dldu't wait to see how far he went, though, for I l-.opp.-d out of that tree, aud put out of that neighborhood al moet aa Itvrly aa the bear had. After a while I took It easier, for I v i e wouldn't be likely to tack after A ,,t,...., h in That'a all. me nose i u i.." -- , "Wuau't It a good revolver now T aaked Tom mother, regarding the bottle With affectionate luten st. And you didn't Uud the uf"'r all?" I usked. nfter expressions of ap proval of bit cooluesa bud U-eU ex- baURted. "No; but"-Tom'a eye twinkled I told Sum I'lummer. 8ulre Plummet I on. what I'd aocti. nnd where I d n It. and be went after It with hi gun. and finished what the ammonia bad left; uml Sum said It wn no more (bun fair 1 should luive a share of It. o he gave me Hie skin, aud I sold It for twelve dollar. So It paid better than If it had las-n Old Blncky, you see." HUMOROUS PARAGRAPHS FROM THE COMIC PAPERS. LOW PRICES. Thmtrlcal Miin.mrr Have Mill Some I, round fir I oiiuriitiilutlon. The present tendency In ull brauchea of trade Is toward lower prlcea. Per haps no business ha felt thla more than the theatrical, lu which the drop have been so remarkable u to excite general comment. Yet the fact remains ii,.. i I, nicer oiitertulnmenlN by. some HUT, better H-rforiners, wereut one lime iflvi.il for u lower price than tliui now charged for iuIuiInnIoU to a gallery. London led the world ror tow pine. At the tamOUS OlobS Theater, built ou Bankslde for Richard Hurbiige, uud for which Jutne L granted u license to Ihnkspoars uud others, the charge for (he lH-a( Ihixi-n wiin gt one time only 10 CCntS, of the lower places i cents, w hile In some place only '1 cent wu charged. The twopenny gallery wu frequently referred to by the drama lists of the BUsabsthat! era. Bar many yenra the general price of tbS Imxca waa i!." cents, and It wa not unni iweo thai u... I,.ir of XI .'ill IxiXeS. At that ImtIihI the pit and gullerle were lo colli. It gppsan to huvc been the cus tom on the first night of n new play to rulae the prices, nnd flic SUM practice waa adopted ou the iiufhor' night, or ou the representation of expetisve plays, Tin- hours of performance were then hgtwSSh 1 nnd B O'clock lu the af ternoon, commencing at the former and terminating nt tha later hour. Aa yeara rolled on the hour for the raising of the curtnln became later; nnd when, nt last, the evening became recognised na the proper time for theatrical amusement prlcea begnn to be In creased until. In London, Purl nnd New York, o la not nn ungual charge. TOO MUCH FOR THE CUBS. A Hlg Stork Whip Three Young UOUS In Succession. The stork Is usually associated with everything t lint Is Innocent, and he has bean regarded a rather cowardly, but II bus devolved upon one of the birds lo prove the falsity of this Impression. The stork in question signally whipped live young lions, aud thus upheld the honor of nil storkdom. Huron Stelti, of Popptoedorf, near Bonn, Germany, la an animal fancier, ntid bus u small menagerie, the stars of which are live .voiing lion cubs. The Baron wished to Nprlng a novelty on his friends, and to tids cud secured ii big stork named frits, thut for year has made li s home on the highest tower of (lie castle, which was captured and put lu the Hulls' cage, The animals were allowed to enter the cage one nt a time. The first to enter the place was Ktlinpa. The cub looked al the curious thing In the Corner and wondered nt the strange noise made by it. Sin- tiled to buck out. nnd, Huding she couldn't, roared delimit l.v. The animal tried then to creep upon the bird, but received a peck on the nose that made lu-r turn a hand spring. She was cowed, and the stork grew chesty. Zatnpa's It year old broth er was Introduced, end he made a baa Hue for the angry stork, which threw seven Inches of hill into Ids nose. The lion looked lad and left the cage buck uiii-,1 'I'll,, ill tier lit-.... 1 1. 1 ii si r.,,.,,1 V...1 ' the same punishment, and there was not one grain of tight left lu the lot. The animals were put back Into tin- cage the next day. and they let the con QUO ring fritz alone. It Is now n happy family, nnd the old stork Is the Sharkey of the bunch. ffkeeennt Incident Occurring" World Over Buying that Ara Cheer ful to Old or Young Funny Selec tion Ihut J-.verirl.odjr Will fcnjoy. One of Them. "My daughter," suhl IhS father, "has nlwuv been BCCttStOmCd to all the lux uries' of wealth." "Vcs." replied the Count, brlslllng up, "st ees whut I am."-Philadelphia Norlli American. She Khoiild Huve Known. Mrs. Bellelleld I was so surprised last night to see several shooting slur. Mr. Bellelleld Dldn'l you kuow the sky as loa'.ed?-Plttaburg Chronicle Telegraph. He I Learning Now. Agent The Hallows haven't asked for a cent's worth of repairs this spring. What do you thlnh of that? Landlord I'm not surprised. Barlow got a house through a trade a few v.. . gi ago and la so busy tilllug the wants of a tenant of his own thai be bus forgotten nil about bothering ua. Iirclded on That Point. Algle What Is the tlrst thing (hat jiui would do If you bud Ji.tsjo.uouf lleslgn. Tom l lred lu Z-l. "Now that you bare passed your ex amination, Mr. Sawbones, you could sign a death certlflcatef "o, certainly, with pleasure V Judy, Welcome Oelox. "(ill. yes," the womanly woman wns saying. "I've known my husband to dress without swearing at his collar button. Yes. It was once when he was dressing lo go down and see why (lie burglar- alarm was ringing." De troit Journal. Poaaethtng Wrong Somewhere. "Here's a ipteer case." "What's thnt'f" "This paper has a long article nlaitit n new hero, and I've been unable to tlml anywhere In It a single word about hi having been the black sheep of the family." f cured Away. Mrs. Motherly -Why is It, (leorge, that you have never thought seriously of getting married? ( o utgo--You misunderstood me, Mrs. Motherly; I hare always thought of it so seriously that I am still n bachelor. Bofhervllle Journal. Mroou Rvidsnes) "So ymt think he Is strictly honest. do you?" "There isn't the least doubt aiMiut it. Every time an election approaches he Is bilked of as the only man Who could unite tin- different factions of his puny, and then somebody else Is dominated." Snake Charmer. it is generally supposed that the ser pents exhibited by snake churinetJ hare 1hs-u deprived of their fangs, ami this Is doubtless often the case, whiU one Instance at least la recorded In which the mouth of the snake had been sewn together to prevent It from biting. The writer noticed at the t'eylou Exhi bition, given some years ago lu Lou don, that one of the snake channels, finding the cobra he was exhibiting becoming too lively and aggressive, lehmd the reptile by the neck and thrust It hastily into the small round basket in which it was carried, nt the same time pushing It with n voluminous while cloth, at which It bit savagely. Having almost closed the lid of the basket the man drew away the cloth Violently, thus doubtless dragging out the fangs which were fastened In It. He then secured the basket and carried It away. This, of course, required n large nuioliut of cool courage us well us gival ipilckness of hand and eye. all of which qaillttoS must In- doubly nec essary lu capturing ami turning these deadly reptiles. But If we are nston Islusl at the skill and dexterity display ed by Indian snake charmers, still more must we marvel nt the hardihood of the American Indians, who, lu their inskS danC00i not only handle Iho dead ly rattlesnake with Impunity, but abso lately carry It about lu their mouths. Westminster Review. I.lfr'a 1. title Ironies. "What's the matter, Wattles? You look as If you were disgusted with life." "I am. I hud a birthday last week and my w ife made me a prcsout." "Ob. what was It?" "A now brass bed for our spare room." "Well, I wouldn't let that worry me. it may come in bandy" "Yes. Hut the day the lied came home she Invited her Aunt Henrietta, Who Isn't worth a dollar, to come uud spend the summer with us." Concluaive I vMence. A Physician' K tprrlrnce. y a curious sapsrienca is rets ted hy a physician of Mcudon. France. To examine the throat of one of hi chil dren, be held a Ugh bid candle before Its open mouth and placed the handle of a simou on the base of the tongue, when there was a sudden Hash of blue BUM from the throat, and the doctor's mustache aud the child's lips were were slightly burueil. It Is explalm-vl that the sssin probably produced n slight retching, which brought a little laBsmmnhhl gas trom the stomach. "Oretcluu, the UU-uteuant Is follow ing me:" "Hut why do yon think be Is follow ing yon more than mo?" "Why, don't you see he has hi eye glass In the eye on my side?" Kile genda Blaetter, Nrws to Mont Americana. Kew people are aware that the flrsi Amerlcau captain geuerul of CuIki wa . Andrew Jackson. A rrnas--'nnitsr Mr. Peck By jing, had a funny dream last night. It g,s.uii tllHt wns away off In South Africa, where diamonds stare bjrht- all around me in bea ps. Mrs Peck- Did you seen, to see anv ss s ,ii a, ta, ,, lu tUu ni. ring you gave mo? It dvH-su't matter how often sonic peo ple change their uiluds they ucver suo eved in getting a good one. Women have few friendships; love u more to tbelr liking. In Canadi. Klrst ex Bank Cashier Ho you be lieve in a community of goods? s WttO I would If 1 could be the treasurer.- Hoston Courier. f. . Oil, ill 1- A lie-, I I. ft la .nl.- In.llii, . .. , w-., - ......... ui i line, m, Coifer, "when Iho ss pension ixi will carry us luto Canada." "What uiukes you think that?" "Ob. we Will need th,. hjJ other side of the border for ro( ( . JJ Philadelphia North Americaa How. Parllumentnry candidate (expbdal away bla defeut)-Yes, gentlemtgj have been defeated; but ,vv ' been defeated? 1 Voice lu the crowd -You dldu't enough vules.-TK-Blls. 1 n pirns-. i ii I Association.. Foolhanlr Man. Mrs. SklniH'u-I think Mr. Smith muat have liked the beefalcak pie. He had two helpings of It I The Tactic Hourderroslblr he sbb n u wager.- Hoston Trsuecrlpt, The bereaved widow His last lih wa to be embalmed, but i beta to dan much scandal. New ywk nfter ao World. rlncerc (Irlef. Funeral director Ito gedtleiiiau)-Am you one of the mourners? Ocutluuiou-Yes; be owed me fSUQ, Agreea with llcnrr Onr. Illggs-They say young Wright tuu Just iuherlted fl.ooo.taai. Baggs-In that case I'd rather be Wright than be President. Ju.lg,.. Juat aa (land. Yeast -Did you ever take any of thott Blttd bulbs? CrluiKoiibonk Well, I ran for offlct ouce. Youkcrs Stutcsmuu. An Argument for I annnal.n. He-There are millions of peopion tics country who don't play golf. TUu proves thut wu need more territory. She How? He Because when tin y fjo play we won't have enough rouui for links -Puck. Motive Lacking. Manager Your piny lack motive. Playwright Motive, nmu? Why. I haven't had a sitiare msul lu a ycar? Detroit Journal. Fucccaa at I.nst. "I see Von Ihillb, the artist hau new suit of clothes, n new silk hatul il very prospeious look. He must kin. sold some of those pictures that lie bat lu the salon." "No, he's I i hired by a clar cuts- puny to decorate billboards." The Lnat l.niiub. "He laughs best who laughs last, yon know." "Not always. The fellow who ami Joke only nfter all the rest have rot through laughing at It is ofteu a u.j tiresome person." In it 1 1 t l.uck. He Aad how many teeth bats yoo left ? Beggar -Only one, nnd ilia! litis noth ing lo do for days ut a tinie.-ileggfa. dorfer Blaetter. Drr w tli Aire. "I saw you bilking with my ?wt from Huston," alio aald. "Don't y think he has a wonderful fund of At; humor?" "Yes," he replied with some min ings na to whether the fellow rrtll? wns her cousin, ''lie has Indeed a fund of dry humor. In fact, It's so dry tliat It's dusty." The Hrighl Side. "There Is a young man who ul 'X seems to be looking ou the bright ikh of things." "Indeed?" "Yes, he polishes the cofTi-e binks In the restaurant where I take my meani and It appears to keep him busy about all the time." A n Inference. "They sny the streets of CoMtUO' nople are never cleaned.'' "What's the matter! Hasn't th Sultan got any relations or poUthal lieutenants who are lu the coDtrscthl business?" From Hod to Worse. "Courtney Smith is writin,; Scew dialect noveL" "What does he know about dialect "Why, he plays golf." "Bounty Coats." , Washington's iirmy was nicknSaWl by the British "The Homespuns. 1 wns a sneering but truthful n-"1"'' the American soldiers were cloth garments woven aud nude by patriot women. . The supplies for the Coati"g. army were lu the Mmmcr of scanty that the Provincial CoV, made a dsmsnii on the people ,: J Kugluud for thirteen thousand war coats, to be ready for (he soldiers J cold weather. The daughters, wlvn and mothers throughout the countrj ouce started up wool wheels and haa looms. Having woven the cloth, ta J made up the garments ami the Inside of each cont the name of wj maker and of the town lu whlcD sm ttved, c A "Kvery soldier." writes Alice M. mm In her "Homo Ufa In Colonial Day "voluutecrltig for eight month-' scrv was given one of these bomeF" home-made, all-wool emits ns a ''u ' The list of name of soldiers who ta enlisted Is known to this day .i Coat Roll.' and the names -,f - en who made the coats might forts o her roll of honor."