1 THE STORY Of A mzor. 3 8 OI'NO Mr. Johnson luiil nlrendy several razors when he I .ought a Bet of seven, each narked w 1 1 li n clay of Km week ntiit inund In order In n rune. IIIm heard una not heavy In deed, III! IIIIIHlUclle was pule ami wispy - i I., til : i iii I hi hi- L it mi nxwy ,o ni,vo "lu,,' , k.r one nl ays ready. There nV ..... MM tlmt bin father had 3 before Wn, ;) TZZ. . I.niulle With Hills'. - ........ nna a fn MM .f III"1 mmm --. m Mortimer and lady." and t. routine nt dally life U-gau U th,. Rut la w hi. u young Mr. Johusou hud reigned. n of Uc NmrilW Feature, offi cial Life lu I III ii a. One of (h MM pecullur and lurer estlug Ugures lu Chinese social life it the Mggu akltfi und uo Imm peculiar aud Interesting. ,lu t0 ,m.,miU nd ptriOMl appearance, are the mem bers of the motley Organisation of men dicant, over which ho r.lgu ubso-lutely. He la required to pny a mm equlvn- were of rrciich several extreme- i- ii.in .! id. . llnc MbOOl dnys tlmt WM lllclud 5 75m.1 I'iinjo; there were nuer. of Klip"" nnd American make- bl pm Mr J'I'I"D'' fnvor- '. wfciteW. nnd it was to Mr Johnson married when he wan knit 23 eaT "M " pr,'t,y h 1 of 20' M. (Innreil. nnd played waltzes on the ,, and she wan Kweet and amiable. JUL Sunday came, and Mr. Mortimer ItBt to alKiut to ev.ry newly up '""f, ,;,'ure''; ,AfUr '" '' l"'1'""' "'" uwan prefect, an a hum ...... uir .uu.ini unoui in lc ,,,. testimonial of )llH alt.-Klilli.-' to the rnlie. 11c glanced at the m-w simiu.r I,.. hlch noil, ...a... t. . ti , , - - - i j in 'in w ll.iiu nut o l.lgi 91 oltlei. emanate, and when this require incut ktl been duly fultllled he U al lowed to exerclo the prerogative of hl position without fear of Intcrfcr enee on the part of the government mil elali In the district assigned to him, Ilia authority over the beggUS l all solutcly iinllmlteil, and they otiey hi order without hesitation or sign of pretext. The offleo Is hereditary, ao long a the tribute l paid: but the Immediate progeny of the iBCUnbtBl are debarred from the enjoyment of any literary OflgNt, Why this condition I exact ed In not quite clear, but It la certain that no descendant of a beggar chief baa ever held a literary degree. How ever, the other privilege enjoyed by him are ao attractive and the Income I ao aubatantlal that he probably dOM not worry nodi over thla one priva tion. How rtoca he aecurc hla Income? from the merchant and tradeapeople who know that tuileaa tliey procure from the lM-ggar chief on or before New Ycar'a day a "holo tivn," or "pa irt of iiifely," their ahopa or "bODga" will be Infested almoat conatantly by a horde of holatcroiia, linpndent. Impor tunate vagabond-, w ho w ill drive away cuatoniera and ibimage the atocka of gooda without hindrance from the rag ular authorltlea of the district Once a month, on a day raited to the convenience of the chief, he assemble all the beggar of his district at the "Kblehla .Ian," or rendezvous, and dis tributes nbns among them, each re ceiving n sum commensurate with his personal inv'l nnd obedltDM t or der. 1'hlladNjihla Pre. ' b ailed a plot, and then proceeded to brine out freh WdlltlotBH and linen. I-ney In morning gown Mtowtafl kin from room to reon. Mr. Mortlin.-r was putting on a hoot. Hullo:" l- n claimed; "I forgot to trim my eoraP He went Into the bath room, took the white handhil razor, and. atiMiplug over, begu optratkmi, Luc? laughed and kept aaylng. "Imk out, dear; don't cut yourself." And when he had pared almost to the quick, ahe said: "If "en- JOB. I'd keep thai old razor for jour corn. Perhaps you might s. ll the othera. You'll never Mtd them. don't aec how n wotnan can marry a man without a lieard he Isn't u man." And she cuddled against his breast ami kissed bin below the rlfbl ear. A ills erect maid coughed near the door and aald: "Itreukfaat la m-rvod."- Hoaton Journal. fOOM in. JOHNSOM. Tiny MM happy, espehilly Sunday niunilugi wheii Mr. Johnson did not leave the house. They breakfasted late. Mil It was one of the wlfe'a omwon inents to watch her husband shaving at hla leisure. Those days lie chose hla white handled razor. She would laugh It lilin when his fae waa covered with lather; she would keep saying, "Dou't cut yourself, dear," and when Ills chin and chMkl appeared, smooth nnd lilnlng, she would throw ber anna about him, and cuddle ngalimt his breast, and say, "I never could love yuu If you had a beard," and then she would kiss bin In the neck. And Mr. lohnwo, holding the razor lu the air above hi head, would smile coinplu nutty, They were happy In this foolish fash ion fur a year or bo. one morning Mr. Johnson did not leave tot house, although the day was Tuesdnr. not Sunday. Ilo did not ban himself; In fnct, be had not bated himself for two or three days. The next week n barls-r came nud bronchi hi favorite razor, and Mr. Johnson was clean and smooth for his coffin, Al ntet Mrs. Johnson Insisted that her husband's things should remain Just where he left I hem. And so In the bath-room the straps and tin- hones nnd the brushes and the soaps were ready to lie used, nnd the razors wero In ordi r. The white handled one was ni'iirest the glass, and the others ac knowledged Its claim. Mr. Johnson would look nt these tllti;s. and tears would come to her yes. Tor the first month she kissed the white handled rnzor dolly. Her lister Maris, who had come to live Willi her "until I die." said Lucy, "for I know I shall follow Harry goon" dis couraged her in "such nonsense." And induslljr Mrs. Johnson began to tind pleasure In life. One night when Mr. Mortimer called she was persuaded to play a waltz, and she even sang n pret ty ong. entitled, "Love for Eternity. LAST LONDON "CHARLEY." Who 8IIII Coca III. Hound, and Call ill Klylna llnur. An Incident which has Just occurred ha brought to (he nlodl of a Uolboni police loapaetOC and a few other Lon doner olio of those amazing laeObV grultles of which London life can fur nish so many example. Who would aupHe that In the heart of London, within aotind of the under ground railway, and within sight of the motor ear, n genuine "Charley" still g(Hs his round and calls the hours in a loud voice the long night through? This comedy-lf you like to call It sc takea place with unfailing regularity lu L'ly place, Holborn. No apot could Ik- more appropriate for the perpetua tion of aueh n custom than thl ancient precinct, where John of QOUOL "time honored Lancaster," drew hla last breath, and where, If we arc to believe Shakapeare, "good itrawltcrriea" rl-1 pened in the garden of the bishop of Kly. whose chapel still lift It ancient, though much hidden, walls In Kly place. After the reversion of the property to the crown In 1702 rarloua arrange ments were made whereby Ely place i remained a private precinct under the government of commissioner. These I commissioners still exerclae their rule, which Is fortified by acts of parlia ment, and their watchmen have legal power to arrest misdemeanants within Kly place and hale them to the neurest police station. The night wntehman In Ely place Is required to cry the hours from U p. m. ' to 5 a. ra. Nor may his duty be per-1 fanetorUy discharged. Four times along the length of Kly place must hi cry of "parst eleven," or "part twelve," etc., 1h heard. No pollccmnn enters Ely place night or day unless specially summoned. Nor Is the "Charley" who keeps watch and ward there within closed gates at night a guardian of mere empty office. Adjoining the place, and out by the aforesaid commissioners, are the Bly news dwellings. Here sixteen fam ilies nre resident, and this little hive of humanity, as well as caretakers of Ely place proper, are under the "Charley's" direct protection, and have their similiters punctuated by his me lodious cries. AT I I V. ' S i. j- S rar n w sr a 'si 'vk x, joar onawai ".- f CUT 1 Aii Elephant'a Teeth. Whoever has looked Inside an ele phant'! mouth has aeen a stranue sight. Elephants have no front tecih, ami they never eat meat or any food that requires tearing apart. Eight teeth are nil they have, two nliove and two below on each side, huge yellow molars as wide as n man's hand, and alout two Inches thick. Over these hay or fodder Is lifted by the queerest, ugliest tongue that Is literally hung at both ends, having no power or movement except In the middle, where it shifts back and forth from side to side, nrch Ing up against the roof of the big mouth like an Immense wrinkled pink serpent. There Is nothing strnnger than the working of nu elephant's tong ie, un less It be the working of hi breathing apparatus when he sleep. Klephants, like human beings, have two sets of teeth the milk tieth, which are small er than the permanent molars, fall out when the animals are alxnit fourteen years old. These baby tooth, which are , nevertheless enormous, are occasional ly picked tip by circus men among the fodder and preserved ns curiosities. Why He Waa Happy. Whistling In n public conveyance Is nn offense against good manners, but the Chicago Journal rcHris nu Instance which really seems to have been excus able, n It was excused. The rest of the passengers were read lug the morning news, but one man gazed Willi unseeing eyes out of the window and whistled i-oftly, the tune being broken now und then by a smile that crossed his bearded lips. The young girl directly opposite thought klm handsome, and tscribed his preoccupied air to rouiantlo reii sous. Aud the older woman who sat with her glanced sharply ucross from time to time, to see what the yuiiug BMUl meant by rudely whistling lu n public couvoynnco. Kilt the looks of youth and age were alike lost on him, and after a while he turned his face toward the light, and sang with such hearty DAtnnefnlneai that his specta cled neighbor full bouud to remon strate. "Young mnn," she said, "hnve you hired this car for your own useY" lie started at her blankly a minute, nnd theu Hushed to the roots of his hair. "Was wns 1 singing?" ho asked. "Y'ou were iiiaklug u horrible noise," she replied. 'then he laughed n wholesome, hon est guffaw, and leaned forward confi dentially. "The Joke's on me," he said. "To tell the truth, my baby has Just cut a tooth, und-and I was thinking how cunning the little Chap looked when he grinned." The war light faded lu the woman's eyes, and a smile touched the corners of her mouth as she beamed on the young father uud said with deep Inter est: "Upper or under?" rnsKt.F, riKAn.' Mr ru- Mi ''timer's calls were freuiieiit. Wll n thlafcvm r .11 -.. . l. - "' i leiniw. n un a nusuv wack U-nrd. Hi vitality In 0 room 1 1 ""' Pictures on the wall; chairs K'fas were uneasy until he bad Z ' , a WR" -'olee. He was pros,, r m business and fond of farce-com-f- W hen he wns dressed for a call "'lli,er . imvlU of nQtk Ml iimm liecamo accustomed to him, at the end of a year and a half she i' Mr- Mortimer. I" wedding- was qub t. nnd even the groom waa comimratlv.-ly quiet. ..'. WM Jourll,,y; New York nnd ."Muington hotels entertained "Ur. Tho Oldest I'oatal Njrstem. We find the first recorded xstal sys ten In the Persian empire, under Cy rus the Khler, but It I clear that Home, of all the ancient Stales, possessed the best organlzi-d system of transmitting letters through Its numerous provinces. All the great Roman roads houses were erected at a distance of five or six miles from ench other. At each of these sta tlons fortv horsi a were constantly kept. and by the help of the relays It was easy to travel one hundred nllei In a day, These services were Intended for the State only, It liolng Imperative to secure the rit pi 1 1 Interchange of official communications. In the time of Julius Caesar th" iya tern was so well organized that of two letters the grent soldier wrote from Britain to Cicero at Itonie the one reached Its destination in twenty-six and the other In twenty eight days. Private citizen hail to trust to the ser vices of slaves, nnd It Is not till the end of the third century that we hear of the establishment of a ital sys tem for private persons by the emp-nr Diocletian, but how long thl system remained history doei not say. Tho Water ( lock. The water clock, otherwise the clep sydra, seems, unless the Egyptologists I Und something fresh lu that land of Incessant discoveries from the most far j mists of time, to have been the first iclentlflo effort at noting the boors, A good many people talk glibly about the clepsydra w ho neither know Its prcelsV construction nor tho uation who have the credit of constructing It. That he longs to the Assyrian, and us far back ns ut lenst over J.iaw yenrs ngo the clepsydra Waa used In Nineveh under the swuy of the second Sardnnapulus. It was u brass vessel of cylindrical shape, holding several gallons of water, which could only emerge through one tiny hole In the side. Thus the trickling of the fluid marked a certain amount of time, nud the water was emptied ubuiit half a dozen times per diem, lu Nineveh there was one at the palace These were all tilled by signal from a watchman on a tower nt the moment of sunrise, and ench had uu attendant, whose business It wns to refill the ch p sydru as soon as It was emptied, the fuct being announced by criers, much aa In the last century the watchmen drowsily shouted the hours at night throughout the streets of Loudon. Some lire centuries utter nn anooymoni genius nude a great Improvement by InscrMng toothed wheels, which, re volving, turned two hand on a dial In clock fashion, thus showing the prog ress of the time, which from one tilling to emptying averaged two hours aud a half. In thla shape the clepsydra, which was then chiefly procuruble In Bgypti became Introduced to vurious other nations. Including Home, where It nourished with various splendid cm beMinuentt until the end of the em plre, London standard. The hnrlior Is on the southwest side. The Island Itself Is only a large bank of sale I with u lagOOO ill the center. This U MOM HUM lallee In circumfer ence. There are ten buildings gpofl It. Including n lighthouse. Thciv I also 11 railroad a mile uud a quarter long, which Is BSed for carrying guano to the warehouse. Among the many thing of Interest which may be mention, si are. first, the birds, of which there nre millions. Among the sea bird found there are thegiMuile 1 white and blacki. the hoohy, the man of war hawk, the tropic bird, the petrel, five or six specie of the mutton bird, (he co)llo nnd other vnrie Ilea. Among the strange thing that may be told of on thla little spot nre the laud blrda. found In no place on enrth except on jiyan Island. They are the w ingles or walking bird, such a the Laysan canary, miller Mid, love bird, ami the Layaan duck.- PacUte Com nterclal Advertiser. Traveler from frontier district, atrik lug hotel where advanced fashions have obtained, observes with au ex preaslon of pleased surprise the finger bowl ict before bin at the close of his meal "What's that for. waiter?" "To wash your hnnda, sir." "I wish I'd a know'd it 'fore I began my dinner."- 1 Cood Americans. Hints that Have No Wing. When one Is a child and sees a bird the usual thing told klU Is: "iet a lit tle salt ami put It on the tall of the bird Uu! you can DStCh him." Of course, the (hlld and tl tln rs look at each other and think It a huge Joke. Although this may Is' the owe In moot parts of the enrth, It Is not a Joke at Laysan Island. Laysan Island, situated, as It la lOgltnde IT1 di gr. es w est, latitude 2." degrees and 47 minute north Is a low, long Island, two mile by two find a half In width, with the highest altitude a feet sliove the sea. On first approach one sees large fiocks of birds, which m.ko a hi.,, k strenk In the air, above In Queen Elizabeth's reign the ex penses of the Ilrltlsh navy were about Ktii.iss) a year, a contrast 1,, d,,. present bugs stun of 18B,000,000 ipont annual ly on the fleet. German onlTerstty students have in creased In BttmtMf from ibont 10,000 twenty-live year ago to HJM1 UtSl year. The IncreaM is out of proportion to the population. A model farm on the American plan nnd run with American machinery, stock nnd methods I about to be es labllanod by a ChlneM mandarin who lies near Shanghai. The most cosily piece of railw ay line In the world Is that between the tfofl si. hi House and Ahlgate station, lu London, which required the expendi ture of close upon $1ii,IIN).ik) a mile. After a litigation lasting fourteen yenrs the will disposing of a San Kran Cisco estate once worth 7.ViO has Just been sustained nnd litigation sus ponded, because the estate has been ex ha list.-.) Iii paying legal fees. An Ohio woman has patented a match Ihix for pocket use, which Is opened at the bottom to load, the matches lielng pushed out one nt a time by a button on the side of the safe, the bead coming Inst ami passing over a roughened surface to Ignite It. Mr. Qodin, French minister of public works. In a, circular addressed to rail way bouflt, urges the construction of n laagnrnnmber of corridor carriages, especially thlrd-clsss, so that i loot nil fnst trnlns going long distances may be exclusively composed of such car riages. The violin used by Mine. Camilla I'r so, who Is giving concerts throughout tli nintry, wns mnde In Italy In 17-7 by Joseph C.iiarncrlus Pel Jesu. Mine. I'rso purchased the Instrument In Lon don several years ago and has on sev eral occasion been offered $r.,HKl fot It. She would not part with It for any price. According to n note In the Courrler de Pnrls, the Athenians and Greeks, Collectively Intend to exclude nil bach elors from their parliament The Idea seems to be thnt the bachelor has no slake in the commonwealth; If he Is represented, that Is as much as he can ask; a representative he ought DerOI to be, for whom does he represent ex cept himself? One of the most novel and radical de partures from ordinary methods of lu troduclng new Improvement In rail way management is the formal nn notiiicement by nil electric headlight company that it I ready to "gua rants railroad companies from any loss from head on collisions occurring at night where the locomotives nn equipped with our headlights." The Ingenuity the counterfeiters now appears to be chiefly devoted to the turning out of lsigus copper and nickel coins, rnther than those of larger nomination. According to the report of the Vnlted States treasurer for the last llsonl year, no less than 00,808 nieces of thl character were detected last rear, and they circulated chiefly In Hoston, New York nnd I'hlladelpnla. 1'nneull Hall Is being mnde fireproof, but the process seems to the reverent pisiple of Hoston more like destruction Hnvoc has apparently I " worked In the Interior. Stairways have bean torn down, floors ripped 1111 and balconls demolished. It seems, ruthlessly. Hut It has all been done with care and rev erence. Ench plot f timber ami each strip and board that Is to be used In the reconstruction has been lagged and stored in fireproof vaults. The founda tion! bare been strengthened and put In condition to withstand the ravage of time for ages, It Is hoped. An old Pennsylvania law has been Insularly revived In Pittsburg. Elf- teen years ago prank Leslie Could bad n loir cut off by a car of the South Side Passenger Railway Company. He was then only f years old, hut attain ed his majority recently, and now bring suit tinder an net of assembly approved March 17. 171.1, which per mils a minor to bring an action for damages within six year after he be comes '.'1 years old, In his own right, and without reference to the time when the u us, fur action mny have oc curred, A Ulte as 1HS1 the Supreme Court of Pennsylvania decided a case in which the act was declared to lie good law. Y ig Could dalni $i!5,WX damages for the loM of his leg. Nerve l.lvo After Heath. With nn apparatus called the myo phone Mr. D'ArsonTal has proved that the nerve may. contrary to the old be lief, live many hours after the death of the IhhIv. This cannot long lie made perc e ptible through the excitability of the muscles, but the sound In the In strument shows Unit a nerve may ne t on a muscle, in n stnto of electric ex (-liability, without producing more than simple molecular vibration. th Island Thla la surroundd by "Ntf. J cigaiered. Old Mathematical Work. The Ilhlml manuscript, deciphered some thirty years ago, a hieratic papy- ma now in me itrmsn .viu.m-uiii, writ ten by an Kgyptlan priest, Ahuies. about 170O It. C. is the oldest Intelligi ble mathematical work extant. Anoth er and older roll on a maihciiiatlcnl sub- J.-et exists, but has not yet bevn de- LEQAL EXAMINATION. tow ( Lawyer Wm Admitted to iii Barb "Counsellor Itlll Brtoa tola the fol lowing story of how ka iisei his ,-x Mutilation us counselor al law nnd ob tained Id ItOSMOl "I had nn paper! (Hied out nnd walk M over to Judge Jim' C. Clll to ins my IXaml MtloB and have my paper sign ill. It was In the afternoon, and Judge till), ns everybody who knew wu aware, wa an ardent und successful turfman. At thnt time he hud Orphan Gill lu training for the Maxwell Hotel Slakes, to he run nt Nashville, and Brakeman, who wn thought to have n pretty good chance of winning the Mer chains' Slakes at St. Looto, DOth race IM-Iiig et down for the same day. "i walked Into his Qgkjj with my lepers 111 luj tm n.i. irflanaVoking up pleasantly the Judge greeted me as foi lows: 14 'Qood-mornlngi William, i under stand you want to pus jour exuinlun tlon nnd be n lawyer'' " "Ye, sir; that's w hat I'm hero for this morning.' " 'Were you out on the trnck thl morning to see the horses' work 7 " 'Y'es, sir.' "'Hid yon sis;, that Kentucky crack, Lclox. aud my mare, Orphan Girl, work '' " "Yes, sir, they both went a mile, nnd you know this track was a bit slow. Orphan Qlrl Mulshed up strong and swinging all through the last furlong In Di 17, nnd Lclox wns nil out, und hud the boy kicking him In 0:l7lj.' " '1 reckon my mare has a pretty gixsl chance for the Maxwell. "it looks like a certainty, Lena is all she has to N at, and he's ns good us done alii adv.' " 'What kind of a plan would It bo to send Alcock to St. Louis with ltrake naa for the Merchants' Stakes?' " 'The horse I good now, and he ha nothing to lieat over there. Unul him lu Si LoUla all right, and li s as good us n walkover.' "i think 1 11 send him. Let me see nh! i thought i was forgetting some thing; we forgot nil tboul the exnuilnn Ion; hand your papers, William. und see DM sign thcni.' " "Counselor BUI" walked out w ith his duly nttested license, aud n short time later Judge till) won the Maxwell House Slakes and the Merchants' Stakes with Orphan Qlrl and llruke man. New Orleans Tlmee-Democrat The Qbmi of the t-'uture. We have bocottO familiar with smokeless gunpowder, In Idea at h ast, 1 a. I we are nwnre that It makes not nearly so much noise ns the old fash lone,! tort Hut silent camion, which enll scarcely n Hash, are still a novelty not a welcome one either to soldiers. Colonel Humbert of the Prench army has Invented this boon nnd patented It. The experiment. carried out by the Rotchklu company are said to be most promising, lu some wonderful man ner he contrives thai the mouth of the gun shall shut automatically the In stant its missile has emerged. Thus the flame and the report nre bottled up. The announcement may probably ls true one does not venture to doubt any marvel of the Ingenuity alleged now adays. This also would make for the extinction of war. It is remarkaiiie that the latest Improvement! tend Ukiii the whole, to nsslst a defending force, rather than the assailants. He pealing rules nun smokeless (siwder, machine gun ami balloons, all strengthen the hands of those who have to repel an attack, themselves more or less under cover. Hut If the art of war, In lis highest lllghts, be Intuitive, what very exceptional non the grent generals of the future must be with out smoke or Hash, or even sound to In dicate the position of a battery which decimates his troops nt a distance to be reckoned III mile, nn ordinary mortal would ls distracted. Doubtless, If this Invention prove to answer, It will be applied to small unit also. The (French tire agitating now for the abolition of universal compulsory service, upon the ground that Cerinnny will never attack them. In a few years, apparently, no tuition will dare to Invade another. Loudon Standard. tin Hla Native .Nei-ve. "That was a strange experience," ad mitted the traveling man When some one had recalled the Incident to him. "I'll tell you on the level that It eon verted mo to the theory that there Is a destiny that shac our end ami that the fellow who is willing to drift Is not such a chump after all. 'A tin- hoys say, I was on my up pers. .No one questioned my atiillty on the road. I could sell goods to men who hail no real use for them, am youil admit that to he tin- supreme test of a drummer. If I had one forte above another, It wn that of selling stoves. I eo.ild get rid of a hard coal burner In n soft coal district, and could place a consignment of wood stoves lu the middle of a prairie dls trlet. 'One morning I waked up In the mod ern iroy of .New lork, without a cent ami without a Job. To most men tin situation would have liceii ns cold as a polar expedition, but, as intimated, I'm a ratallst. ,rter Jollying the bartender for a patriotic cocktail and the barber for a shave, I went to the nearest stove factory. The clock at ruck 12 Just u I entered the place. Before the hand some young man at the desk could say word I had told It tin that I was on time. I think the remark was the In splrntlnn of tin extremity. 'We'll not stop to discuss terms nt till time,' he hiiIiI. 'You hnve nu hour In w hich to catch n truln. Here's your expense money. It IS a new route, hut It will serve to try you out." I was knocked daffy, but I took the money, caught the train, and sold stove right and left. In n week I had a letter from the house asking who In the world I was and where I came from. The oth er fellow, lor w until 1 was mistaken, had shown up and claimed tin-Job. Hut they told DM to fire uway, ami they raised my salary. I'm with 'cm yet."- Detroll free l'rcss. Hard l,iokMorjr from Kansa. When the Klrby bank failed lu AM- lie a Santa re conutictor nan in It $-j,ihmi, which repp lentM the savings of many year, lu the course of time be received . I In dividends from the bank receiver, and thla sum he de posited lu the Cross bank at Kmporla. which In turn failed. BUPP0SK WE SMILE. The woman who alwaya smile Is fault leaaly dressed. wears I nUMOROUS PARAGRAPHS FROM THE COMIC PAPERS. t'laasaat lnclilr.it Ocrnrrlnu the World Ovrr- hajlnga that Are Cheer fal to h i or Vouou r'unnj held tloaa that Kvrrjbodr Will Knjoy. Privrn to It. She And did you go away to fight because you lovid your country so much or been use you were afraid of liolng Jeered at If you didn't go? lie To le honest with you, neither of those reason wn reimnlble for my going. A life Insurance agent had found me out and that wa t lu- only escape I could think of. Out III Uiikota. "No," nld the lady who had iceently arrived from the get, "1 haven't come here for the purisisi of obtaining a dl vorce, I hnve no " "Oh, well." replied the lady who had been there long enough to know all ulsiiit It. "don't let nmlxuly know ami perhaps you can get Into MCMtf any way. I shall not erpQM you." The Woaaaals Woman Again, "And what I your definition of the Womanly woman V" asked the Inquirer. "A womanly woman." said the gent from (he lake shore, "1 a woman who dearly love whatever husband she happens to have." India napolto Jour BaL A N.url MausolniiH. sized hut of good yours, That's John." "Ah, Master QsOTgOi I bought that hat twelve years ngo to bury the .Missus In."- St. Paul's. tli.n.iiiikril by fotOSMOk The "lady" professor suddenly reach ed forward nud deftly picked n long, light hair from her husband' coat. "Wretch," she cried; "whose Is this?" "One of your own," ho tttSWOred, stoutly. "We will see," she haughtily observ ed, and speedily vanished through n door labeled "laboratory." Tor nn hour or more the sound of clinking tubes and glasses was faintly heard through the heavy partition. Then the door suddenly opened Slid the "lady" professor stood on the threshold, Her face wa blaring. "Villain!" she cried, "It was bleach ed. ' Hut he was gone.- Cleveland Plain dealer. A Model of froprlrty. Jack Miss I'pptou Is the moat rlr Cumspect young lady I ever met. Tom How so? Jack She refused to nccompnny nu on the piano the other evening without her cunHron. Where Mie Out liven. He- Woman ask tuch foolish ques tlons. She Why do they? "That woman going along there nsk ed iu- IT I knew when the lust truln left." "What did you say?" "I said I dhln t know, nnd then she asked me If I could give her nil Idea. "Well, that was foolish on her part; that's to " Yonkers Statesman. He Wns nn el The Pllinleys cntcrtuliicd their pedro club a few evenings ngo, ami after tea Mr. Iih..l. put on his dress suit. I, Idle Percy eyed him suspiciously while he was dressing, and finally said: 'Papa, you thahl you wuth going to thlay home thlth evening." "So I am, my dear little boy," Per cy's Hipa replied. Little Percy clapped hi hand, Jump M up and down, und lu grent glee cried: "Oh! And with that thttll our Cleveland la nder. Schoolboy Sny, hurry up this geography up to dute. Pioneer Press. ami get St. Puul Hi - Oilier Wuy. Itrntekul Doc tor ( do you believe that smoking cigarettes ever made any one crasyf Doctor I'm not so sure al I Hint, but i suspeei i hat craalnaM bus caused n good iiiniiy pi ople to take up clgur eltes. liostou Transcript. Deserving Case. Weary WiitkliiH I ain't had nothln' tO eat for two diiys. Victim You told me that very same story Just n week ago. "lib: Then surely you would help a pore bloke 'at ain't had nothln' to Ml for Dim days?" Indianapolis Journal. Ilrr Meaning and Ilia. BcrlbbUe My new lsk will be out so.. n I hope you will lose no time In rending It. Miss Cutting Indeed I won't. I lost several hour rending your other one. Hi. Wish. Mrs. Peck Yes, they missed some thing from the counter where I had bow making some purchasea and as I was leaving the store a detective halt ed me uud led mu back to the olllce, win-re they told me that I was sus pected of being n shoplifter. Mr. Peek Well, tlmt wa awkward, 0 ay the least. Mrs. Peck Awkward? For about a minute I was simply speechless with Indignation. Mr. Pock (regretfully) - Oh. I wlh I had been there'. Pride nf Amratrr. Patsy (proudly! Here. Mugg, could yer Di ttddet hand out seeh a neat hunch of upper cuts a dal' New York Jour nal. afuted Co as pa a Ti Patient-No, doctor, there Isn't any particular pain, but somehow I feci a If I were going to die. Doctor i who iins boon called out el IhsI ut " o'clock In the iiiornlngi Let mo feel your pulse. (After a moment QSVS you made jour will? Patient (alarmed) No, hut Doctor Who I your lawyer? Patient Mr. Studds. Why, doctor, do you think 1 tr Than you hnd better semi for him. Who I your minister? Patient (still more alarmed) Rev. Mr. Saintly, Am i Hector I think he had Is-tler Is- sent for. Pit leal (badly frightened) oh. don tor. do you really thluk I'm golug lo die? 1 lector No, 1 don't. There's nothing nt all the matter with you, but I hate tO be (00 only man who has Lceii made a fool of to u ght. Cincinnati Ba qulrcr. How a Story Hull Up und TruYrl. Mrs. A to Mrs II. Thnt Mrs. New coiner Is so fond of her children. The other day w hen 1 calhsl she WU blow ing soap bubble for IhcUl through a common clay pipe. Mrs. II. to Mrs. C.-That Mrs. New come Is so funny, Mr. A. saw her amusing her children with a common tiny pipe. Mr. 0 to Mr. IV That Mr. New comer smokes n common clny pipe. Mrs. I). to Mrs. K. Thnt Mrs. New comer smokes n horrid pipe. I don't MS how any woman lu her sober senses could do thnt. Mrs. B. to Mrs. P. Thnt Mrs. New coiner smokes a plM nnd drinks aw fully, ltoibury (iiiKcttc. Ilrautlca nf Ancient Art. "The Coming Storm." I'roin a re cently discovered Pumpelau palnthiK. New York Journal. The Foot on I II Is Mnney. "Optimism," anld the sorry fool, "Is seeing the green side of n t bill." "And w hat Is pessimism?" asked hi friend. "Seeing neither side of a 8 bill." New York Commercial Advertiser. Ptnrtlua Mini HIBht. "All!" sighed the sentimental youth, "would thnt 1 might Install a sentiment In your loyal henrt " "Sir," Interrupted the practical mnid, "I'd hnve you understand thnt my hcurt Is no Instullineiit concern." I.noklna for a Neat. i dearly love birds," he gently sigh ts!. And then she didn't do n thing but hasten to the open piano and softly he gill singing, "I Wish I Were n Bird." They nre looking for a nest now. Yonkers Stntesiunn. you look n What you llriiln I I 'Say, Weary, I ain't sis- so well for a dog s age. Im-cii tloln'V" "rilllh' up." "Howr "Iteadlu' these here holiday tnetioos." Cleveland lalndcaler. Amiability Assured. The opposition manager wns trying to get some campaign material to use against the Mormon cumlldute, and was Interviewing one of Ids wives. "Does your husband treat all of you well?" he asked, Insinuatingly. 'Hoes he treat us well?" was the n- Ssiltse. I should say so. If he doesni we won't get our rclullves to vote fot Mm." Washington star. Kvldsnce. 'Why do you think she Is married?" i saw her puss a mirror a moment Sgo without stopping to see whether r face was still there or not" A Novel o ii.li.. 7 A well known Italian confectioner In the downtown district wns last ulghi made u dupe In a novel swindling scheme that cost 111 m J.'sa. A struuger ame to hi fruit stand uud while look- lug over some banaiia suddenly lost his glass eye among the fruit. After soiirchliig for n while, he went uway, saying that if the Italian found his eye he should take ll to his hotel, and there he would receive fKK) for It. A few momenta later another stranger mom along. The Italian saw lilm grasp the glass eye while examining some fruit. that was too much for the owner to stand, and he offered the stranger I.MI for the eye. The offer wa accepted, but when the Italian took his prise to the hotel there wa no one there to re- lalm It. lie notified the police of tho swludle. Pittsburg Chronicle. I'rolltmtiln Husalan llualneaa. Tho manufacture of steel rails has been ao profitable lu Hussln that rail rolling mills have paid from 00 to 7o per cent dividends. New York's HIM flir I'erfomory. New York pays 11,000,000 a year for ovrfumery.