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About The Eugene City guard. (Eugene City, Or.) 1870-1899 | View Entire Issue (Feb. 4, 1899)
1 THE STORY Of A mzor.
OI'NO Mr. Johnson
luiil nlrendy several
razors when he
I .ought a Bet of seven,
each narked w 1 1 li n
clay of Km week ntiit
inund In order In
n rune. IIIm heard
una not heavy In
deed, III! IIIIIHlUclle
was pule ami wispy -
i I., til : i iii I hi hi-
L it mi nxwy ,o ni,vo "lu,,'
, k.r one nl ays ready. There
nV ..... MM tlmt bin father had
3 before Wn, ;)
TZZ. . I.niulle With
Hills'. - ........ nna a fn MM .f
III"1 mmm --.
Mortimer and lady." and t. routine nt
dally life U-gau U th,. Rut la w hi. u
young Mr. Johusou hud reigned.
n of Uc NmrilW Feature, offi
cial Life lu I III ii a.
One of (h MM pecullur and lurer
estlug Ugures lu Chinese social life it
the Mggu akltfi und uo Imm peculiar
aud Interesting. ,lu t0 ,m.,miU
nd ptriOMl appearance, are the mem
bers of the motley Organisation of men
dicant, over which ho r.lgu ubso-lutely.
He la required to pny a mm equlvn-
were of rrciich
i- ii.in .! id. .
llnc MbOOl dnys tlmt WM lllclud
5 75m.1 I'iinjo; there
were nuer. of Klip"" nnd American
make- bl pm Mr J'I'I"D'' fnvor-
'. wfciteW. nnd it was to
Mr Johnson married when he wan
knit 23 eaT "M " pr,'t,y h 1 of 20'
M. (Innreil. nnd played waltzes on the
,, and she wan Kweet and amiable.
Sunday came, and Mr. Mortimer ItBt to alKiut to ev.ry newly up
'""f, ,;,'ure''; ,AfUr '" '' l"'1'""' "'" uwan prefect, an a hum
...... uir .uu.ini unoui in lc ,,,. testimonial of )llH alt.-Klilli.-' to the
rnlie. 11c glanced at the m-w simiu.r I,.. hlch noil, ...a... t. . ti , ,
- - - i j in 'in w ll.iiu nut o l.lgi 91
oltlei. emanate, and when this require
incut ktl been duly fultllled he U al
lowed to exerclo the prerogative of
hl position without fear of Intcrfcr
enee on the part of the government mil
elali In the district assigned to him,
Ilia authority over the beggUS l all
solutcly iinllmlteil, and they otiey hi
order without hesitation or sign of
The offleo Is hereditary, ao long a
the tribute l paid: but the Immediate
progeny of the iBCUnbtBl are debarred
from the enjoyment of any literary
OflgNt, Why this condition I exact
ed In not quite clear, but It la certain
that no descendant of a beggar chief
baa ever held a literary degree. How
ever, the other privilege enjoyed by
him are ao attractive and the Income
I ao aubatantlal that he probably dOM
not worry nodi over thla one priva
tion. How rtoca he aecurc hla Income?
from the merchant and tradeapeople
who know that tuileaa tliey procure
from the lM-ggar chief on or before
New Ycar'a day a "holo tivn," or "pa
irt of iiifely," their ahopa or "bODga"
will be Infested almoat conatantly by a
horde of holatcroiia, linpndent. Impor
tunate vagabond-, w ho w ill drive away
cuatoniera and ibimage the atocka of
gooda without hindrance from the rag
ular authorltlea of the district
Once a month, on a day raited to the
convenience of the chief, he assemble
all the beggar of his district at the
"Kblehla .Ian," or rendezvous, and dis
tributes nbns among them, each re
ceiving n sum commensurate with his
personal inv'l nnd obedltDM t or
der. 1'hlladNjihla Pre.
' b ailed a plot, and then proceeded to
brine out freh WdlltlotBH and linen.
I-ney In morning gown Mtowtafl kin
from room to reon. Mr. Mortlin.-r was
putting on a hoot. Hullo:" l- n
claimed; "I forgot to trim my eoraP
He went Into the bath room, took the
white handhil razor, and. atiMiplug
over, begu optratkmi, Luc? laughed
and kept aaylng. "Imk out, dear; don't
cut yourself." And when he had pared
almost to the quick, ahe said: "If
"en- JOB. I'd keep thai old razor for
jour corn. Perhaps you might s. ll the
othera. You'll never Mtd them.
don't aec how n wotnan can marry a
man without a lieard he Isn't u man."
And she cuddled against his breast ami
kissed bin below the rlfbl ear. A ills
erect maid coughed near the door and
aald: "Itreukfaat la m-rvod."- Hoaton
fOOM in. JOHNSOM.
Tiny MM happy, espehilly Sunday
niunilugi wheii Mr. Johnson did not
leave the house. They breakfasted late.
Mil It was one of the wlfe'a omwon
inents to watch her husband shaving at
hla leisure. Those days lie chose hla
white handled razor. She would laugh
It lilin when his fae waa covered with
lather; she would keep saying, "Dou't
cut yourself, dear," and when Ills chin
and chMkl appeared, smooth nnd
lilnlng, she would throw ber anna
about him, and cuddle ngalimt his
breast, and say, "I never could love
yuu If you had a beard," and then she
would kiss bin In the neck. And Mr.
lohnwo, holding the razor lu the air
above hi head, would smile coinplu
They were happy In this foolish fash
ion fur a year or bo.
one morning Mr. Johnson did not
leave tot house, although the day was
Tuesdnr. not Sunday. Ilo did not
ban himself; In fnct, be had not
bated himself for two or three days.
The next week n barls-r came nud
bronchi hi favorite razor, and Mr.
Johnson was clean and smooth for his
Al ntet Mrs. Johnson Insisted that
her husband's things should remain
Just where he left I hem. And so In the
bath-room the straps and tin- hones nnd
the brushes and the soaps were ready
to lie used, nnd the razors wero In
ordi r. The white handled one was
ni'iirest the glass, and the others ac
knowledged Its claim.
Mr. Johnson would look nt these
tllti;s. and tears would come to her
yes. Tor the first month she kissed
the white handled rnzor dolly. Her
lister Maris, who had come to live
Willi her "until I die." said Lucy, "for
I know I shall follow Harry goon" dis
couraged her in "such nonsense." And
induslljr Mrs. Johnson began to tind
pleasure In life. One night when Mr.
Mortimer called she was persuaded to
play a waltz, and she even sang n pret
ty ong. entitled, "Love for Eternity.
LAST LONDON "CHARLEY."
Who 8IIII Coca III. Hound, and Call
ill Klylna llnur.
An Incident which has Just occurred
ha brought to (he nlodl of a Uolboni
police loapaetOC and a few other Lon
doner olio of those amazing laeObV
grultles of which London life can fur
nish so many example.
Who would aupHe that In the heart
of London, within aotind of the under
ground railway, and within sight of
the motor ear, n genuine "Charley"
still g(Hs his round and calls the
hours in a loud voice the long night
This comedy-lf you like to call It sc
takea place with unfailing regularity
lu L'ly place, Holborn. No apot could
Ik- more appropriate for the perpetua
tion of aueh n custom than thl ancient
precinct, where John of QOUOL "time
honored Lancaster," drew hla last
breath, and where, If we arc to believe
Shakapeare, "good itrawltcrriea" rl-1
pened in the garden of the bishop of
Kly. whose chapel still lift It ancient,
though much hidden, walls In Kly
After the reversion of the property
to the crown In 1702 rarloua arrange
ments were made whereby Ely place i
remained a private precinct under the
government of commissioner. These I
commissioners still exerclae their rule,
which Is fortified by acts of parlia
ment, and their watchmen have legal
power to arrest misdemeanants within
Kly place and hale them to the neurest
The night wntehman In Ely place Is
required to cry the hours from U p. m. '
to 5 a. ra. Nor may his duty be per-1
fanetorUy discharged. Four times
along the length of Kly place must hi
cry of "parst eleven," or "part
twelve," etc., 1h heard. No pollccmnn
enters Ely place night or day unless
specially summoned. Nor Is the
"Charley" who keeps watch and ward
there within closed gates at night a
guardian of mere empty office.
Adjoining the place, and out by the
aforesaid commissioners, are the Bly
news dwellings. Here sixteen fam
ilies nre resident, and this little hive
of humanity, as well as caretakers of
Ely place proper, are under the
"Charley's" direct protection, and have
their similiters punctuated by his me
AT I I V. ' S i. j- S
rar n w sr a 'si 'vk x, joar onawai
".- f CUT 1
Aii Elephant'a Teeth.
Whoever has looked Inside an ele
phant'! mouth has aeen a stranue
sight. Elephants have no front tecih,
ami they never eat meat or any food
that requires tearing apart. Eight teeth
are nil they have, two nliove and two
below on each side, huge yellow molars
as wide as n man's hand, and alout
two Inches thick. Over these hay or
fodder Is lifted by the queerest, ugliest
tongue that Is literally hung at both
ends, having no power or movement
except In the middle, where it shifts
back and forth from side to side, nrch
Ing up against the roof of the big
mouth like an Immense wrinkled pink
There Is nothing strnnger than the
working of nu elephant's tong ie, un
less It be the working of hi breathing
apparatus when he sleep. Klephants,
like human beings, have two sets of
teeth the milk tieth, which are small
er than the permanent molars, fall out
when the animals are alxnit fourteen
years old. These baby tooth, which are ,
nevertheless enormous, are occasional
ly picked tip by circus men among the
fodder and preserved ns curiosities.
Why He Waa Happy.
Whistling In n public conveyance Is
nn offense against good manners, but
the Chicago Journal rcHris nu Instance
which really seems to have been excus
able, n It was excused.
The rest of the passengers were read
lug the morning news, but one man
gazed Willi unseeing eyes out of the
window and whistled i-oftly, the tune
being broken now und then by a smile
that crossed his bearded lips.
The young girl directly opposite
thought klm handsome, and tscribed
his preoccupied air to rouiantlo reii
sous. Aud the older woman who sat
with her glanced sharply ucross from
time to time, to see what the yuiiug
BMUl meant by rudely whistling lu n
public couvoynnco. Kilt the looks of
youth and age were alike lost on him,
and after a while he turned his face
toward the light, and sang with such
hearty DAtnnefnlneai that his specta
cled neighbor full bouud to remon
strate. "Young mnn," she said, "hnve you
hired this car for your own useY"
lie started at her blankly a minute,
nnd theu Hushed to the roots of his
"Was wns 1 singing?" ho asked.
"Y'ou were iiiaklug u horrible noise,"
'then he laughed n wholesome, hon
est guffaw, and leaned forward confi
dentially. "The Joke's on me," he said. "To tell
the truth, my baby has Just cut a tooth,
und-and I was thinking how cunning
the little Chap looked when he grinned."
The war light faded lu the woman's
eyes, and a smile touched the corners
of her mouth as she beamed on the
young father uud said with deep Inter
est: "Upper or under?"
''timer's calls were freuiieiit.
Wll n thlafcvm r .11 -.. .
l. - "' i leiniw. n un a nusuv
wack U-nrd. Hi vitality In 0 room
1 1 ""' Pictures on the wall; chairs
K'fas were uneasy until he bad
Z ' , a WR" -'olee. He was pros,, r
m business and fond of farce-com-f-
W hen he wns dressed for a call
"'lli,er . imvlU of nQtk Ml
iimm liecamo accustomed to him,
at the end of a year and a half she
i' Mr- Mortimer.
I" wedding- was qub t. nnd even the
groom waa comimratlv.-ly quiet.
..'. WM Jourll,,y; New York nnd
."Muington hotels entertained "Ur.
Tho Oldest I'oatal Njrstem.
We find the first recorded xstal sys
ten In the Persian empire, under Cy
rus the Khler, but It I clear that Home,
of all the ancient Stales, possessed the
best organlzi-d system of transmitting
letters through Its numerous provinces.
All the great Roman roads houses were
erected at a distance of five or six miles
from ench other. At each of these sta
tlons fortv horsi a were constantly kept.
and by the help of the relays It was
easy to travel one hundred nllei In a
day, These services were Intended for
the State only, It liolng Imperative to
secure the rit pi 1 1 Interchange of official
In the time of Julius Caesar th" iya
tern was so well organized that of two
letters the grent soldier wrote from
Britain to Cicero at Itonie the one
reached Its destination in twenty-six
and the other In twenty eight days.
Private citizen hail to trust to the ser
vices of slaves, nnd It Is not till the
end of the third century that we hear
of the establishment of a ital sys
tem for private persons by the emp-nr
Diocletian, but how long thl system
remained history doei not say.
Tho Water ( lock.
The water clock, otherwise the clep
sydra, seems, unless the Egyptologists
I Und something fresh lu that land of
Incessant discoveries from the most far
j mists of time, to have been the first
iclentlflo effort at noting the boors, A
good many people talk glibly about the
clepsydra w ho neither know Its prcelsV
construction nor tho uation who have
the credit of constructing It. That he
longs to the Assyrian, and us far back
ns ut lenst over J.iaw yenrs ngo the
clepsydra Waa used In Nineveh under
the swuy of the second Sardnnapulus.
It was u brass vessel of cylindrical
shape, holding several gallons of water,
which could only emerge through one
tiny hole In the side. Thus the trickling
of the fluid marked a certain amount
of time, nud the water was emptied
ubuiit half a dozen times per diem, lu
Nineveh there was one at the palace
These were all tilled by signal from a
watchman on a tower nt the moment of
sunrise, and ench had uu attendant,
whose business It wns to refill the ch p
sydru as soon as It was emptied, the
fuct being announced by criers, much
aa In the last century the watchmen
drowsily shouted the hours at night
throughout the streets of Loudon. Some
lire centuries utter nn anooymoni
genius nude a great Improvement by
InscrMng toothed wheels, which, re
volving, turned two hand on a dial In
clock fashion, thus showing the prog
ress of the time, which from one tilling
to emptying averaged two hours aud a
half. In thla shape the clepsydra,
which was then chiefly procuruble In
Bgypti became Introduced to vurious
other nations. Including Home, where
It nourished with various splendid cm
beMinuentt until the end of the em
plre, London standard.
The hnrlior Is on the southwest side.
The Island Itself Is only a large bank
of sale I with u lagOOO ill the center.
This U MOM HUM lallee In circumfer
ence. There are ten buildings gpofl It.
Including n lighthouse. Thciv I also
11 railroad a mile uud a quarter long,
which Is BSed for carrying guano to the
Among the many thing of Interest
which may be mention, si are. first, the
birds, of which there nre millions.
Among the sea bird found there are
thegiMuile 1 white and blacki. the hoohy,
the man of war hawk, the tropic bird,
the petrel, five or six specie of the
mutton bird, (he co)llo nnd other vnrie
Among the strange thing that may
be told of on thla little spot nre the
laud blrda. found In no place on enrth
except on jiyan Island. They are the
w ingles or walking bird, such a the
Laysan canary, miller Mid, love bird,
ami the Layaan duck.- PacUte Com
Traveler from frontier district, atrik
lug hotel where advanced fashions
have obtained, observes with au ex
preaslon of pleased surprise the finger
bowl ict before bin at the close of his
meal "What's that for. waiter?" "To
wash your hnnda, sir." "I wish I'd
a know'd it 'fore I began my dinner."- 1
Hints that Have No Wing.
When one Is a child and sees a bird
the usual thing told klU Is: "iet a lit
tle salt ami put It on the tall of the bird
Uu! you can DStCh him." Of course, the
(hlld and tl tln rs look at each other
and think It a huge Joke. Although this
may Is' the owe In moot parts of the
enrth, It Is not a Joke at Laysan Island.
Laysan Island, situated, as It la
lOgltnde IT1 di gr. es w est, latitude 2."
degrees and 47 minute north Is a low,
long Island, two mile by two find a
half In width, with the highest altitude
a feet sliove the sea. On first approach
one sees large fiocks of birds, which
m.ko a hi.,, k strenk In the air, above
In Queen Elizabeth's reign the ex
penses of the Ilrltlsh navy were about
Ktii.iss) a year, a contrast 1,, d,,. present
bugs stun of 18B,000,000 ipont annual
ly on the fleet.
German onlTerstty students have in
creased In BttmtMf from ibont 10,000
twenty-live year ago to HJM1 UtSl
year. The IncreaM is out of proportion
to the population.
A model farm on the American plan
nnd run with American machinery,
stock nnd methods I about to be es
labllanod by a ChlneM mandarin who
lies near Shanghai.
The most cosily piece of railw ay line
In the world Is that between the tfofl
si. hi House and Ahlgate station, lu
London, which required the expendi
ture of close upon $1ii,IIN).ik) a mile.
After a litigation lasting fourteen
yenrs the will disposing of a San Kran
Cisco estate once worth 7.ViO has
Just been sustained nnd litigation sus
ponded, because the estate has been ex
ha list.-.) Iii paying legal fees.
An Ohio woman has patented a
match Ihix for pocket use, which Is
opened at the bottom to load, the
matches lielng pushed out one nt a
time by a button on the side of the
safe, the bead coming Inst ami passing
over a roughened surface to Ignite It.
Mr. Qodin, French minister of public
works. In a, circular addressed to rail
way bouflt, urges the construction of
n laagnrnnmber of corridor carriages,
especially thlrd-clsss, so that i loot
nil fnst trnlns going long distances may
be exclusively composed of such car
riages. The violin used by Mine. Camilla I'r
so, who Is giving concerts throughout
tli nintry, wns mnde In Italy In 17-7
by Joseph C.iiarncrlus Pel Jesu. Mine.
I'rso purchased the Instrument In Lon
don several years ago and has on sev
eral occasion been offered $r.,HKl fot
It. She would not part with It for any
According to n note In the Courrler
de Pnrls, the Athenians and Greeks,
Collectively Intend to exclude nil bach
elors from their parliament The Idea
seems to be thnt the bachelor has no
slake in the commonwealth; If he Is
represented, that Is as much as he can
ask; a representative he ought DerOI
to be, for whom does he represent ex
One of the most novel and radical de
partures from ordinary methods of lu
troduclng new Improvement In rail
way management is the formal nn
notiiicement by nil electric headlight
company that it I ready to "gua rants
railroad companies from any loss from
head on collisions occurring at night
where the locomotives nn
equipped with our headlights."
The Ingenuity the counterfeiters
now appears to be chiefly devoted to
the turning out of lsigus copper and
nickel coins, rnther than those of larger
nomination. According to the report
of the Vnlted States treasurer for the
last llsonl year, no less than 00,808
nieces of thl character were detected
last rear, and they circulated chiefly In
Hoston, New York nnd I'hlladelpnla.
1'nneull Hall Is being mnde fireproof,
but the process seems to the reverent
pisiple of Hoston more like destruction
Hnvoc has apparently I " worked In
the Interior. Stairways have bean torn
down, floors ripped 1111 and balconls
demolished. It seems, ruthlessly. Hut
It has all been done with care and rev
erence. Ench plot f timber ami each
strip and board that Is to be used In
the reconstruction has been lagged and
stored in fireproof vaults. The founda
tion! bare been strengthened and put
In condition to withstand the ravage
of time for ages, It Is hoped.
An old Pennsylvania law has been
Insularly revived In Pittsburg. Elf-
teen years ago prank Leslie Could bad
n loir cut off by a car of the South
Side Passenger Railway Company. He
was then only f years old, hut attain
ed his majority recently, and now
bring suit tinder an net of assembly
approved March 17. 171.1, which per
mils a minor to bring an action for
damages within six year after he be
comes '.'1 years old, In his own right,
and without reference to the time
when the u us, fur action mny have oc
curred, A Ulte as 1HS1 the Supreme
Court of Pennsylvania decided a case
in which the act was declared to lie
good law. Y ig Could dalni $i!5,WX
damages for the loM of his leg.
Nerve l.lvo After Heath.
With nn apparatus called the myo
phone Mr. D'ArsonTal has proved that
the nerve may. contrary to the old be
lief, live many hours after the death of
the IhhIv. This cannot long lie made
perc e ptible through the excitability of
the muscles, but the sound In the In
strument shows Unit a nerve may ne t
on a muscle, in n stnto of electric ex
(-liability, without producing more than
simple molecular vibration.
th Island Thla la surroundd by "Ntf. J cigaiered.
Old Mathematical Work.
The Ilhlml manuscript, deciphered
some thirty years ago, a hieratic papy-
ma now in me itrmsn .viu.m-uiii, writ
ten by an Kgyptlan priest, Ahuies.
about 170O It. C. is the oldest Intelligi
ble mathematical work extant. Anoth
er and older roll on a maihciiiatlcnl sub-
J.-et exists, but has not yet bevn de-
tow ( Lawyer Wm Admitted to
"Counsellor Itlll Brtoa tola the fol
lowing story of how ka iisei his ,-x
Mutilation us counselor al law nnd ob
tained Id ItOSMOl
"I had nn paper! (Hied out nnd walk
M over to Judge Jim' C. Clll to ins my
IXaml MtloB and have my paper sign
ill. It was In the afternoon, and Judge
till), ns everybody who knew wu
aware, wa an ardent und successful
turfman. At thnt time he hud Orphan
Gill lu training for the Maxwell Hotel
Slakes, to he run nt Nashville, and
Brakeman, who wn thought to have n
pretty good chance of winning the Mer
chains' Slakes at St. Looto, DOth race
IM-Iiig et down for the same day.
"i walked Into his Qgkjj with my
lepers 111 luj tm n.i. irflanaVoking up
pleasantly the Judge greeted me as foi
14 'Qood-mornlngi William, i under
stand you want to pus jour exuinlun
tlon nnd be n lawyer''
" "Ye, sir; that's w hat I'm hero for
" 'Were you out on the trnck thl
morning to see the horses' work 7
" 'Y'es, sir.'
"'Hid yon sis;, that Kentucky crack,
Lclox. aud my mare, Orphan Girl,
" "Yes, sir, they both went a mile, nnd
you know this track was a bit slow.
Orphan Qlrl Mulshed up strong and
swinging all through the last furlong In
Di 17, nnd Lclox wns nil out, und hud the
boy kicking him In 0:l7lj.'
" '1 reckon my mare has a pretty gixsl
chance for the Maxwell.
"it looks like a certainty, Lena is
all she has to N at, and he's ns good us
done alii adv.'
" 'What kind of a plan would It bo to
send Alcock to St. Louis with ltrake
naa for the Merchants' Stakes?'
" 'The horse I good now, and he ha
nothing to lieat over there. Unul him
lu Si LoUla all right, and li s as good us
"i think 1 11 send him. Let me see
nh! i thought i was forgetting some
thing; we forgot nil tboul the exnuilnn
Ion; hand your papers, William.
und see DM sign thcni.' "
"Counselor BUI" walked out w ith his
duly nttested license, aud n short time
later Judge till) won the Maxwell
House Slakes and the Merchants'
Stakes with Orphan Qlrl and llruke
man. New Orleans Tlmee-Democrat
The Qbmi of the t-'uture.
We have bocottO familiar with
smokeless gunpowder, In Idea at h ast,
1 a. I we are nwnre that It makes not
nearly so much noise ns the old fash
lone,! tort Hut silent camion, which
enll scarcely n Hash, are still a novelty
not a welcome one either to soldiers.
Colonel Humbert of the Prench army
has Invented this boon nnd patented
It. The experiment. carried out by the
Rotchklu company are said to be most
promising, lu some wonderful man
ner he contrives thai the mouth of the
gun shall shut automatically the In
stant its missile has emerged. Thus
the flame and the report nre bottled up.
The announcement may probably ls
true one does not venture to doubt any
marvel of the Ingenuity alleged now
adays. This also would make for the
extinction of war. It is remarkaiiie
that the latest Improvement! tend
Ukiii the whole, to nsslst a defending
force, rather than the assailants. He
pealing rules nun smokeless (siwder,
machine gun ami balloons, all
strengthen the hands of those who have
to repel an attack, themselves more or
less under cover. Hut If the art of
war, In lis highest lllghts, be Intuitive,
what very exceptional non the grent
generals of the future must be with
out smoke or Hash, or even sound to In
dicate the position of a battery which
decimates his troops nt a distance to be
reckoned III mile, nn ordinary mortal
would ls distracted. Doubtless, If this
Invention prove to answer, It will be
applied to small unit also. The (French
tire agitating now for the abolition of
universal compulsory service, upon the
ground that Cerinnny will never attack
them. In a few years, apparently, no
tuition will dare to Invade another.
tin Hla Native .Nei-ve.
"That was a strange experience," ad
mitted the traveling man When some
one had recalled the Incident to him.
"I'll tell you on the level that It eon
verted mo to the theory that there Is a
destiny that shac our end ami that
the fellow who is willing to drift Is not
such a chump after all.
'A tin- hoys say, I was on my up
pers. .No one questioned my atiillty on
the road. I could sell goods to men
who hail no real use for them, am
youil admit that to he tin- supreme test
of a drummer. If I had one forte
above another, It wn that of selling
stoves. I eo.ild get rid of a hard coal
burner In n soft coal district, and
could place a consignment of wood
stoves lu the middle of a prairie dls
'One morning I waked up In the mod
ern iroy of .New lork, without a cent
ami without a Job. To most men tin
situation would have liceii ns cold as a
polar expedition, but, as intimated, I'm
a ratallst. ,rter Jollying the bartender
for a patriotic cocktail and the barber
for a shave, I went to the nearest stove
factory. The clock at ruck 12 Just u I
entered the place. Before the hand
some young man at the desk could say
word I had told It tin that I was on
time. I think the remark was the In
splrntlnn of tin extremity.
'We'll not stop to discuss terms nt
till time,' he hiiIiI. 'You hnve nu hour
In w hich to catch n truln. Here's your
expense money. It IS a new route, hut
It will serve to try you out." I was
knocked daffy, but I took the money,
caught the train, and sold stove right
and left. In n week I had a letter from
the house asking who In the world I
was and where I came from. The oth
er fellow, lor w until 1 was mistaken,
had shown up and claimed tin-Job. Hut
they told DM to fire uway, ami they
raised my salary. I'm with 'cm yet."-
Detroll free l'rcss.
Hard l,iokMorjr from Kansa.
When the Klrby bank failed lu AM-
lie a Santa re conutictor nan in It
$-j,ihmi, which repp lentM the savings
of many year, lu the course of time
be received . I In dividends from
the bank receiver, and thla sum he de
posited lu the Cross bank at Kmporla.
which In turn failed.
The woman who alwaya
smile Is fault leaaly dressed.
nUMOROUS PARAGRAPHS FROM
THE COMIC PAPERS.
t'laasaat lnclilr.it Ocrnrrlnu the
World Ovrr- hajlnga that Are Cheer
fal to h i or Vouou r'unnj held
tloaa that Kvrrjbodr Will Knjoy.
Privrn to It.
She And did you go away to fight
because you lovid your country so
much or been use you were afraid of
liolng Jeered at If you didn't go?
lie To le honest with you, neither
of those reason wn reimnlble for
my going. A life Insurance agent had
found me out and that wa t lu- only
escape I could think of.
Out III Uiikota.
"No," nld the lady who had iceently
arrived from the get, "1 haven't come
here for the purisisi of obtaining a dl
vorce, I hnve no "
"Oh, well." replied the lady who had
been there long enough to know all
ulsiiit It. "don't let nmlxuly know ami
perhaps you can get Into MCMtf any
way. I shall not erpQM you."
The Woaaaals Woman Again,
"And what I your definition of the
Womanly woman V" asked the Inquirer.
"A womanly woman." said the gent
from (he lake shore, "1 a woman who
dearly love whatever husband she
happens to have." India napolto Jour
A N.url MausolniiH.
sized hut of
"Ah, Master QsOTgOi I bought that
hat twelve years ngo to bury the
.Missus In."- St. Paul's.
tli.n.iiiikril by fotOSMOk
The "lady" professor suddenly reach
ed forward nud deftly picked n long,
light hair from her husband' coat.
"Wretch," she cried; "whose Is this?"
"One of your own," ho tttSWOred,
"We will see," she haughtily observ
ed, and speedily vanished through n
door labeled "laboratory." Tor nn
hour or more the sound of clinking
tubes and glasses was faintly heard
through the heavy partition.
Then the door suddenly opened Slid
the "lady" professor stood on the
Her face wa blaring.
"Villain!" she cried, "It was bleach
Hut he was gone.- Cleveland Plain
A Model of froprlrty.
Jack Miss I'pptou Is the moat rlr
Cumspect young lady I ever met.
Tom How so?
Jack She refused to nccompnny nu
on the piano the other evening without
Where Mie Out liven.
He- Woman ask tuch foolish ques
She Why do they?
"That woman going along there nsk
ed iu- IT I knew when the lust truln
"What did you say?"
"I said I dhln t know, nnd then she
asked me If I could give her nil Idea.
"Well, that was foolish on her part;
that's to " Yonkers Statesman.
He Wns nn el
The Pllinleys cntcrtuliicd their pedro
club a few evenings ngo, ami after tea
Mr. Iih..l. put on his dress suit.
I, Idle Percy eyed him suspiciously
while he was dressing, and finally said:
'Papa, you thahl you wuth going to
thlay home thlth evening."
"So I am, my dear little boy," Per
cy's Hipa replied.
Little Percy clapped hi hand, Jump
M up and down, und lu grent glee
"Oh! And with that thttll our
Cleveland la nder.
Schoolboy Sny, hurry up
this geography up to dute.
Hi - Oilier Wuy.
Itrntekul Doc tor ( do you believe
that smoking cigarettes ever made any
Doctor I'm not so sure al I Hint,
but i suspeei i hat craalnaM bus caused
n good iiiniiy pi ople to take up clgur
eltes. liostou Transcript.
Weary WiitkliiH I ain't had nothln'
tO eat for two diiys.
Victim You told me that very same
story Just n week ago.
"lib: Then surely you would help a
pore bloke 'at ain't had nothln' to Ml
for Dim days?" Indianapolis Journal.
Ilrr Meaning and Ilia.
BcrlbbUe My new lsk will be out
so.. n I hope you will lose no time In
Miss Cutting Indeed I won't. I lost
several hour rending your other one.
Mrs. Peck Yes, they missed some
thing from the counter where I had
bow making some purchasea and as I
was leaving the store a detective halt
ed me uud led mu back to the olllce,
win-re they told me that I was sus
pected of being n shoplifter.
Mr. Peek Well, tlmt wa awkward,
0 ay the least.
Mrs. Peck Awkward? For about a
minute I was simply speechless with
Mr. Pock (regretfully) - Oh. I wlh I
had been there'.
Pride nf Amratrr.
Patsy (proudly! Here. Mugg, could
yer Di ttddet hand out seeh a neat hunch
of upper cuts a dal' New York Jour
nal. afuted Co as pa a Ti
Patient-No, doctor, there Isn't any
particular pain, but somehow I feci a
If I were going to die.
Doctor i who iins boon called out el
IhsI ut " o'clock In the iiiornlngi Let
mo feel your pulse. (After a moment
QSVS you made jour will?
Patient (alarmed) No, hut
Doctor Who I your lawyer?
Patient Mr. Studds. Why, doctor,
do you think
1 tr Than you hnd better semi for
him. Who I your minister?
Patient (still more alarmed) Rev.
Mr. Saintly, Am i
Hector I think he had Is-tler Is- sent
Pit leal (badly frightened) oh. don
tor. do you really thluk I'm golug lo
1 lector No, 1 don't. There's nothing
nt all the matter with you, but I hate
tO be (00 only man who has Lceii made
a fool of to u ght. Cincinnati Ba
How a Story Hull Up und TruYrl.
Mrs. A to Mrs II. Thnt Mrs. New
coiner Is so fond of her children. The
other day w hen 1 calhsl she WU blow ing
soap bubble for IhcUl through a
common clay pipe.
Mrs. II. to Mrs. C.-That Mrs. New
come Is so funny, Mr. A. saw her
amusing her children with a common
Mr. 0 to Mr. IV That Mr. New
comer smokes n common clny pipe.
Mrs. I). to Mrs. K. Thnt Mrs. New
comer smokes n horrid pipe. I don't
MS how any woman lu her sober senses
could do thnt.
Mrs. B. to Mrs. P. Thnt Mrs. New
coiner smokes a plM nnd drinks aw
fully, ltoibury (iiiKcttc.
Ilrautlca nf Ancient Art.
"The Coming Storm." I'roin a re
cently discovered Pumpelau palnthiK.
New York Journal.
The Foot on I II Is Mnney.
"Optimism," anld the sorry fool, "Is
seeing the green side of n t bill."
"And w hat Is pessimism?" asked hi
"Seeing neither side of a 8 bill."
New York Commercial Advertiser.
Ptnrtlua Mini HIBht.
"All!" sighed the sentimental youth,
"would thnt 1 might Install a sentiment
In your loyal henrt "
"Sir," Interrupted the practical mnid,
"I'd hnve you understand thnt my
hcurt Is no Instullineiit concern."
I.noklna for a Neat.
i dearly love birds," he gently sigh
ts!. And then she didn't do n thing but
hasten to the open piano and softly he
gill singing, "I Wish I Were n Bird."
They nre looking for a nest now.
you look n
llriiln I I
'Say, Weary, I ain't sis-
so well for a dog s age.
"Iteadlu' these here holiday tnetioos."
The opposition manager wns trying
to get some campaign material to use
against the Mormon cumlldute, and
was Interviewing one of Ids wives.
"Does your husband treat all of you
well?" he asked, Insinuatingly.
'Hoes he treat us well?" was the n-
Ssiltse. I should say so. If he doesni
we won't get our rclullves to vote fot
Mm." Washington star.
'Why do you think she Is married?"
i saw her puss a mirror a moment
Sgo without stopping to see whether
r face was still there or not"
A Novel o ii.li.. 7
A well known Italian confectioner In
the downtown district wns last ulghi
made u dupe In a novel swindling
scheme that cost 111 m J.'sa. A struuger
ame to hi fruit stand uud while look-
lug over some banaiia suddenly lost
his glass eye among the fruit. After
soiirchliig for n while, he went uway,
saying that if the Italian found his eye
he should take ll to his hotel, and there
he would receive fKK) for It. A few
momenta later another stranger mom
along. The Italian saw lilm grasp the
glass eye while examining some fruit.
that was too much for the owner to
stand, and he offered the stranger I.MI
for the eye. The offer wa accepted,
but when the Italian took his prise to
the hotel there wa no one there to re-
lalm It. lie notified the police of tho
swludle. Pittsburg Chronicle.
I'rolltmtiln Husalan llualneaa.
Tho manufacture of steel rails has
been ao profitable lu Hussln that rail
rolling mills have paid from 00 to 7o per
New York's HIM flir I'erfomory.
New York pays 11,000,000 a year for