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About The Eugene City guard. (Eugene City, Or.) 1870-1899 | View Entire Issue (Jan. 28, 1899)
.A Changed Man.-K- C - nH irerc mniKiina before a ptr rP , .... .1 in Bond airett iik l I i thetn-two young 1 Ir iPPniw ;"'! ladltt so rcllncd no perfectly ii - - i. i ,,.r tenure, i mum nm crreit imir n,.... i. half turning, m ' ' ., .rehtsaM of KWrti of mine. li.T bOMRI friend. entirely disclaim ail responsibility in "inner. I Ufa Dimply given . IT mi jiiss n. Minn , wishes, iiii.I Ullill Issue llf III.' in with yourself, the iiuiKt rati entirely If you pi. us... He win I'll. - .t.ii Viiih. fltHl S'wM O Hara. 1 BjrUII that hnd un.oey, bo to ttif adjoining room, where Ms BMnnool awaits us.' "Wo round iiT Mated near a wladow, Mm 'llil nol rNi. hut limply bowed, and I MW that bar face hiim pale, mi. I that it w.itv an cxprcMsiuu of apparent en forced calm. " 'Frltx, I told you last night that paopla an- laying that you uro marry ing lerely for my money. It mat- Hint Hfda fool fl"d n',int "inn?" I J lara little to mo now whether they my mil ny way Bl spctiK uie iriilli or not. ir tliey do, then. whether or not you become my hus- hand. In the light goti" nut of my life Indeed. You know, Frit, how I love you! If you ran have dona thU emel thing nothing can undo It now. If you have deelgned to beggar me, under the pretext of affection, buaband or no hus band, fortune or no fortune, can make no difference to me. Bni it shall nerat le Raid that you actually did marry inu tat tit l ralaed fi.r I tic liiiriiaiuii. Von never know any :i, ih mil men thlaa." Sll,-vl- rB,B '" r"''"v' md froai tbt hm'k I l'"-,l10" nad arMeMll occasioned. Then lell tne," I rejoined. -You aer e bateau lecratt from me, you know at learn, not for long." "Why, lloimr llenuinniit and Cnpt. Faulkliier, to be niro." -Are ibey engaged to bo married?" "Of rourie they are, and he hnsu't a xDoy. wblle she baa a mll-l Ion." "Well. he's a very handsome fellow, 1Dil site ll passable." "They "ay I boated at card, that bt't laercrybody'i debt and la nothing iburt of a mere adventurer. And yet lluuur Beaumont has accepted bliu! I h; It's really loo had of bur." I had known Kanlk.lnef for lotne j.-.irs. and I am Isiund to Hay I hud trry Utile to urge In Ml defense. He but atfer been actually caught In any nets: fits proceeding; hut It was known tbit lie had run through most of bin frlriuls. and that he wat wonderfully lucky it faro, and i lint he was anxious ly leaking for an heiress. Tlie ftddlng took place, and about four months afterward Cuptuln ami Mrs. Kiulkluer were back In town, up parenlly the happiest people to be found in all Belgravta, Ai fur Faulkluer. be seemed com pletely changed. There was a manll oeM akoal blm that one never noticed liefure; Ills eyes wore n frank expres iloo that was truly refreshing to see. lit? vai . l. arly devoted to bis wife, nud tliey seei I to perfectly understand mil Irani each other. What could It nuaal Gradually I got to really like Kuulkl Ber. lie made a splendid host, was a pattern of the domestic virtues, and Im Mei d one as lieltig the soul of honor. Our acquaintance tlually ripened Into i deee friendship, and the Intimacy da ItJoped until at length I found myself -how 1 know not on terms of real tonBdence wltb the man whom, only a few montbj before. I had been Inclined t.. look upon very much lu the light In which ba was regarded by my couslu Sybil oue treeing ho expounded the mys tery. "Shall I tell you the story of our courtship, .lack?" be asked. "As you will, my dear fellow," 1 re plied, "If It Isn't too sacred a subject fax a third party." "Tblt'l Just It It Is a sacred subject, 5 you will see." He lit his cigar and proceeded: "All that the world thought and said of uie before I was married wns true, and more than true. I was a 'regular bail lot' And It Is true also tbnt In pro posing to Miss Beaumont I was aetu ttwl by the most mercenary motives, nd those alone. "All that I wanted was her money ber money, Jack do you hear me? The rlil said so, and the world wns per fectly right I bad plans as to what I oulil do with It. My chief anxiety M to prevent her getting any Inkling of the truth, and so I never ceased to duice constant attendance on her, and ttatclally to withdraw her ns fnr as Possible from her lady friends. All went fll until one evening at the Vllllers' ball lie took tne to one side, saying: "'Fritz' she always called me Print Watt than Frank '1 want to speak to lou.' Waal Is It. darllngr "'You are not to call me darling any ""ore till this matter Is cleared up.' "'What matter, dear!" "'Just this: People are saying that J0" re marrying me merely for my ni0ey. la that sor n"irf .our,c uot- 1 ,oTe yu 'or your " 'Stop, atop; I am going to nut you ""' 1'roof. you know my solicitors- ' BOJI PJL & llcey, In Lincoln's HoilLIn lnny " 'Yea' well, meet me tnprc to-morrow at . "harp. Am now. gooil-nlght.' ttTTta root. Ann what man?' 'ICI.ASrtD III li IN MY AIIMS AND WB wkpt NtintE" hi i ,, """cnt sue was gone. 1 passed . 7 ""Mess lilirlil. nl,. .,i, . ni.f h "i. K ' ' " . HIT HthT mlt ln U,e '"ornlng to "(Jll i , ' upiioiiiimenr. Wl n 7 1 CB" hlni that iH-cause rw.iv , 0"" of "'J dearest frleuds- iTjJ coldly. ag.1 .h''" '" ' n favor-d. Capt. Faulkl- thswT i1" wl,h 1,u' Ter' ?traor luatructlous from my cllent-wvst-jM Beaumont 1 muat i aaaan. for my money, nud so, Krltr. I have asked Mr. Dicey to draw up a deed Which which ' And here the poor durllng broke down completely and could say no more. " 'The deed, Capt. I'aulklner.' said Mr. Dicey, wltb frigid solemnity, 'Is an uncommon one; I know, ludced, of no precedent. Hut It relates that. In con sideration of Capt. Frauds Arthur Faulkluer, of the Second Life (iiiards, releasing Miss Honor ItcaumOnt. of Ilurtstleld House, Hertsfordshlre, from her engagement to marry him, the said Miss Honor Heatimont herewith makes over to the said Capt. Francis Arthur Faulkluer all her real and personal to'Mtiio-lv nu aehe.In e.l herewith anve I and except the residence known ns The QrOTtt. Isleworth, In the county of Mid dlesex, and as much of her Midland Hallway debenture stock as will suf fice to provide au annuity of $1,500 a year.' "I turned hnlf mechanically to Hon or. She was still calm nnd pale, but her eyes were brimful of tears. " 'It Is Impossible!' I exclaimed. And Just at that moment something seemed to struggle within me, for out of the depths of my sinful heart there came welling the tiny, feeble remnant of the little good It ever held. "I felt aa If I could give not only love but life to tbnt noble womuti who had proposed to herself this mad, this fear ful sacrifice In order to put to proof the slucerlty of the man she loved. Disre garding the presence of the man of law, I clasped her In my arms, and we yes. Jack, we wept together. "I treasure now that sacred parch ment which awakened to new life the little good that was left In me which aroused the dendeued sense of unselfish love and gave me riches greater far than my villainy hnd ever dreamed of. Do you wonder, Jack, that I am a changed man?" And that was the sequel of the con versation In Bond street An In. t irom Heath. A corresjwudeut of the Detroit Free Press relates A peculiar experience which happened to a friend of his dur ing a stay In Burma. We were sitting on the veranda of our bungalow one evening, eujoylug our after-dinner cheroot. Finally my friend arose and sauntered Into his bedroom. Usually lights were placed In all the bedrooms, but this evening, for some reason probably the moonlight the servant had not performed his duties. I could hear my friend fumbling about on his dressing-table, and then sudden ly be gave a cry of horror and rushed out to Uie light. "I have been struck by a snake." he gasped, and his face was deadly pale. "Where Is It? Quick! Show me!" 1 exclaimed, as I Whipped out a knife. He held out b!s right arm. Tber was no mark on the hand, which I ex amined critically, but on the cuff of the shirt were two tiny scratch-like punc tures, and two little globules of poison sluklng Into the starched linen and leaving a sickly, greenish yellow mark. "Y'ou've had a close call, old man." I exclaimed, with a sigh of relief; "and now let us settle the snake." We found him colled up on a small mirror, which lay on the table, and an ugly-looking reptile be was, too, ready to strike again. He was a very poisonous snske. kuown as the Debase Kusselll. but after my frleud bad done with him It would have been difficult for any natur alist to have placed him In his proper genua, When a man concludes be Is too smart to work, be comes to the conclusion that has made more thieves than any other one thing on earth. I SHARKS EATINQ A DEAD WHALE Hwarsss of Wolv.a Mystarluulj Learn of a Banquet, The presence of any large quautlty of easily obtainable food Is always surti- cleut to secure the undivided attention of the shark tribe. When "cutting In" whales at sea I have often lieeu amaxed at the Incredible number of these crea tures that gather In a short space of time, attracted by some mysterious means, heaven only knows from what remote distance. It has often occurred to us when whaling In the neighborhood of New Zealand to get a sperm whale alongside without a sign of a shark lc low or a bird above. Within au hour from the time of our securing the vast mass of flesh to the ship the whole area within at least an acre has liecn alive with a seething multitude of sharks. while from every quarter come drifting HUMOROUS SAYINGS AND DO INGS HERE AND THERE. The rourse of the hi. hI vessels lu dead animals or birds Is now exam ined by the X-rays. In order to make the arteries, etc., give a photograph, or "radiograph," they are lli.t injected with mercury. Very lx-mit tfut re sults have been thus attained. The Lancet says that the air of a room can bg charged with naoue by simply susM'iidlng moist linen sheets In a keen, dry wind, and then hanging them up In the house. It Is though) tlie generation of the MOM may be silently an Incalculable host of sea i due to the rapid DMMge of initios- birds, converting the blue surface of the sea Into the semblance of a plain of new fallen snow. The body of a whale before an lnels Ion Is made In the blubber presents ns smooth, rounded surface, almost as bard as India rubber, with apparently no wh. re nii daring eater could Aud toothhold. But, oblivious to sll else save the Internal anguish of desire, the ravenous sea wolves silently' writh ed lu the density of their hordes for a place at the bounteous feast. Occasion ally oue pre-eminent among his fellows for enterprise would actually set his lower Jaw ngalnst the black roundness of the mighty carcass aud with a steady, sinuous thrust of his lithe tall, gouge out therefrom a mass of n hun dredweight or so. If be managed to get away with It the space presented a curious corrugated hollow where the MT rated, triangular teeth had worried their way through the tenacious sub stance, telling plainly what vigorous force must have been behind them. But It was seldom that we permitted such premature toll to tie taken from our spoils. The hariiooners aud the officers from their lofty positions on the cutting stage slew scores upon scores by simply drooping their keen-edged blubber spades upon the soft crowns of the struggling tlsh, the only place where a shark Is vulnerable to lustant death. The weaion sinks Into the creature's brain, he gives a convulsive writhe or two, releases his hold and slowly sinks, followed In his .le-cent by a knot of his Immediate nelghlsirs, all anxious to pro Tide blm with prompt sepulture within their own yawning maws. Natlouul Review. He Haul the Hiatus. The 'old-time Pomp aud Caesar, who flourished before the civil war, knew many of the secrets of the families they served. One old colored man tells with much delight the story of the courtship of his preseut employer, then his "young mas'r." "I never fought nuflln' 'bout his gwlne co'tln' any ob de Cnrr'l or de Pomeroy young Indies," says the old man. "He use to lie bnck nnd fo'th, In aud out de Cnrr'l and Pomeroy houses, Jess like he belong dar. "And when, he'd go a-calliu' ln de evenln', aud I'd say, 'Mas'r Tom, don' you like to change de hoots you wore all day, and put on dese nice slilucd ones?' he'd laugh like he wns mighty 'mused, and say. 'Dat ain't de eud I wants to shine. Pomp!' "But fln'lly, one day, I got to hear 'bout a Miss Lothrop from de Norf dut was rlsltltr' de Carr'ls; and one night young mas'r he dress up all tine, and den he look down at his boots, w'at shone like n glass, aud he say, 'Pomp, Is dat de bos' shine you can gib my boots r "And I look at him solier and say, 'Mas'r Tom, dat ain't de end you wants to shine, you done told me over'n over again.' "And de red come up In his face, nnd he say, T reckon If I shine at tsife ends nil I can, I won't be too bright fo' some folks' "So off course I saw how t'lngs were, and when de 'gagemeut came out two weeks nfter dat. It wasn't no mo than I Jess nachelly looked for." pherlc oxygen over the broad, wet sur faces of the sheets. l.one exercises t purifying effect on the air. V. K. Iloth has recently published the results of bis studies among the native Inhabitants of the northwestern part of central Queensland. In Aus tralla. Ills most Interesting discovery Is that of the exist. 'in f sign Ian- euage, expressed by means of the hands, and capable of coin eying com plex as well as simple Ideas. Mr. Both (Ives Illustrations of l!i:i of the man ual signs employed In this language, which Is .i.e. throughout the region studh'd by blm. Cannibalism, he says, still prevails among some of the Aus trallan tribes. Statistics are presented In a recent number of Nature which tend to sup port the -on.lusl.ois of DoOtOf Bruck ner that there Is a regular cycle, of alxint thirty five years, In the course of which the earth exierlences a Change of weather from a cold and wet period, through a hot and dry period, back to a cold and wet period again. According to these statistics we are now lu one of the comparative ly dry pcrhsla, but early In the twen tleth century the condition of things will Ik- reversed, and the wet years will outnumber the dry ones. Owing to the effects of shore lines, and other Influences which are inure or less obscure, It Is very .lull, nit to account for the peculiarities exhibited by tidal waves lu various parts of the world. Interfering waves cause once a day tides at Tahiti, and In some other places, while ou the other hand. In the harliors back of the Isle of Wight, and In the Taj In Scotland, there are three tides In a day. The latter have recently been ascribed t. "overtldes," produced by Nie modifica tion of tidal waves running nshore. aud resembling the "overtonea" of musical sounds. Of the two liquid envelopes tbnt en wrap the glols? the atmosphere Is the thicker, and It has had more to do with shaping the surface of the earth than one might suppose without giving the matter due consideration. Not only does the wind carry vast clouds of dust and sand from place to place, but It bears inland the vapor which rl-es from the ocean, and which comes back to ua condensed Into rain. All the erosion of the soil that Is accomplished by rivers, nil the transportation of solid material that these streams and the MM currents are responsible for, sould Is? Impossible were there no nlr. The waves, too, are raised by this ngeney, and their havoc must also lie charged In part to the account of the atmospheric sea. f araftons and run from one thing to an-' attii 11111,,, oh LMTV other without making hea.lwav. be- ULll IHJIHiIM Ul? JJIJiN. I coming more and more agitated, Imag ining that everything was going wrong. and that It couldu't possibly be straightened out In time, aud finally getting into a regular conniption tit. That form of the cat or conniption tit that Is due to the actions of others springs usually from dwelling iiniii the shortcomings, res' or fancied, of somebody DOOM whom we may have occasion to rely, somebody hasn't come when expected, or he has done some thing poorly, or we fancy he has, or ho haao'l done It at all, or he has misun derstood or Ignored Instructions. Churning these Irritating things over and over In his mind the man gradu ally works himself Into a cat tit, a state of excitement disturbing to others, and to himself distracting. But whatever the Immediate cause may be, cat tits are due primarily to a disposition to magnify trifles and to fret over things nol worth worrying about. Oldest 'huroh In Europe. The oldest church lu Europe Is that of St. Pudeualana, nt Home. Alsiut the middle of the first century a Certain Roman senator had a house ou this spot. He was a Christian convert, and It Is said a distant relative to St. Paul, who lodged with him from A. 1). 41 to ft). For the religious uses of himself and guests, he built a small chapel In this house, and when h" died In IMl, nnd his Wife n year Inter, his daughter add ed a baptistry. A church was after ward erected on the site of the original house of Pudens, and cousecrated In 108 or 145. Canon Boutlodge, In bis history of St. Martin's church, Canter bury, claims that that venerable edifice la the oldest church In Christendom. He describes It ns occupying the unique position of lielng the only existing church that wns originally built ns a church during the first four centuries, aud has remained a church till the present day. Its font Is the very one In which Ethel bett was baptized by St. Augustine, as mentioned by the Venerable Bede. Tld Hits. Present Ilulers of Knrope. Of the present rulers of European empires nnd kingdoms only one thin' ascended the throne by direct heredi tary rights. Out of the seventeen relgu Ing emperors and kings only five are sous of previous rulers. These are lu Prussia. Saxony. Italy. Belgium and Servla. In Sweden, Portugal, Bavaria and Turkey brothers of the former sov ereigns occupy the thrones, while In Austria, Wurtemberg and England a nephew and niece of the previously reigning uncle and aunt are In power. In Base la the crown prince's death MUMd his brother's succession to the throne. Art. and Antarctic loebersra. The lcetK-rgs of the two bciulsphereo are entirely different In shape. The Arc tic bergs are Irregular In form, with lofty pinnacles and glittering domes, while the Antarctic t-rgs are flat-topped and solid looking. Every one occasionally yields to the temptation to give more than he can afford. In order to Ik- known ss a I-ovely Character. The tongue Is alsiut the only muxxls loading weapon that hasn't been dl aaftled The "Wlll-o'-lhe-Wlsp." The "will o'-the wlsp" usually ap pears In marshy places or In grave yards. It Is Mleved to lie due to the spontaneous combustion of phosphorat ed hydrogen from decomposing organic matter, and It Issues from lite soil as a long flame, while on wnter It Inflame! at the surface with the production of long wreaths of phosphoric anhydride. It can be reproduced artificially by throwing calcium phosphide Into water or burying It In moist soil. A scientific Frenchman. Dr. A. Illeti nard, reports some remarkable obeerTi Hons of the will o'-the w Isp at Crolslc, a seaport of France, during Inst August ami Setiteinber. the lights having ' 11 visible every evening over a consider able area of water. The bubbles of gas were very large In August, during tin season of thunderstorms, but 1 aim smaller and smaller as the temperature fell, until the phenoineiiot used alxiut the 20th of Setiteinber 1 lie bubbles were mostly confined to two basins that contained DO mud, but were n ptncles of much fish refuse. As such organic matter as the brain of a sheep failed to produce phosphureted bydrOgCO when decaying under water, the conclusion Is reached that the waters of the port of Crolslc must contain some rare fer ments, hitherto unknow n nnd existing only under special conditions, which deCOmpOM organic substances rich In iih.isnh.il us In a manner to set free phosphureted hydrogen. A Hhrewil t ot lector. An odd way of gcllb g Into business was adopted by a Cincinnati agent. Ills shrewdness drew the line pretty closely between iMdverteney ami petty larceny. He had secured the position of collector for a mercantile house and In the line of his duties he made some forty or llf y calls per day on dellu quant customers, lie made It n olnt to borrow a lead pencil from each oue with which lo do his figuring. These he never returned unless asked to do so. Of course, n suspicion attached to him on so trivial a matter, for for getfuluess In regard to lead pencils Is recognised as a human falling. Nearly every one he secured was long enough to pass muster as a new pvnell, and after collecting 1,000 In this way he secured a contract for furnishing lead pencils to a country school. One of the advantages of Ms 1.1.1 was thai in- offered to furnish pen -lis already sharpened. From this start bis prog ress was rapid and a basis was thus fnrnktbed for a commOdlOM stationery store from which he derives a comfort able Income. The Cat r'lt. The cat fit, or conniption fit, as It la sometimes called, Is a stale of mind Into which one works himself when un duly ogltat.sl over some matter, usually of no Importance, In which he alone, or perhaps he and somebody else, may lie MMMned. Thus some nervous ier- sou getting ready for a Journey might, as he time for departure approached, get flurried aud flushed over the prep- A TRUE STORY. Strong Attachment of Twn ChUagi) an Iwlch Men. Those ffhO bold Iba theory that the I r catiiiot a fiord to Indulge In feel ings, and that to have enough to eat is for Ihetii to have nil their longing satis lied, should read the story of two waifs, one of whom lately died In a Chicago hospital. Tliey belonged, says the Interior, strictly to the ranks of those who strug gle for Hie barest subsistence, earning a scanty living by acting as "sandwich men." or by cobbling a little for the poorest of the poor. They were In no way related, but Ibey hnd lived for years lu the same NOB, nnd had learn ed to like each other and to be neces sary to each other. If their undivided earnings amounted lo a dollar a Week they were ln comfort. A little more meant alllueuce. There was one fear that pressed upon the hearts of these men they dreaded a pauper burial. Lest either should come to such dlsgrnce they covenanted to protect each other from It. and to pay every week llftocii cents each to a burlnl society which guaranteed some thing like ninety dollars ou the death of a depositor. Two years ago the strength of one of these men failed. He could do no work, nnd from that time the stronger of the two supported both, and kept up the payments of both policies. The end came at Inst. The double task fell from the shoulders of the sur vivor. He had yet to keep his promise to his frleud, however, lie collected the money for the policy, purchased a decent casket, ami honored the dead man with a respectable funrcal. Then he mailed all that was left of the Insur ance to the blind brother of his frleud, paid two weeks' premiums In advance upon his own burial expenses, and ob taining admittance to a city hospital died within ten days-of a broken hearL Jokes and Jokrlrta that Arc Hiioaed to Hava lteen Kcoantl Horn-ttuylnua and tolaa that Are(kld,Cnrlo.e and Laughable The Weck'a Humor. TZ. The Eskimo girl shivered. "What sit on the ground?" she ex claimed, evincing much confusion. "Why, the very Idea! And right before every bodyl Te. he!" All this lii Lapland w here the modest null. led has obviously to be etpMUtUy careful what she docs, lest she get her self talked about. Detroit JournaL - ii. I. a ( nance fnr thnwlna Of. I. aura I never wished but once that It was proH-r for women to smoke. Flora Hood gracious! When was that) "When I first got an engagement ring."- Cincinnati Enquirer. A Bolldaa Heflrctlnn. "A Christmas tree Is a good deal like a wife." "How's that?" "It's the trimmings that cost." tiff the fsmr I'lere. "What did Dr. Dingus sny nhout thesa Insanity tests with the thumb?" "He said they were only another form of Insanity." will Up to Date "No." said tin- positive girl. "I BeTOI tie myself dow n to one man." "Perhaps)," ba replied, sarcastically, "if 1 organlaa a syndicate you will eon elder OUr Offer." Qood Housekeeping. Near Url.,i .1..,. Clarence Algy claims to be directly related to Lord l.lttlchead. Ethel Hear me! How Is that? Clarence Why, the same girl prom Ised to b( n sister to both of them! Gulden I llenre, A titan who once met Italph Waldo Emerson at the house of a friend tells of the characteristic way In which the Concord philosopher blunted the edge of a compliment, "Oh, Mr. Emerson," said a young woman of the party, "It must be so de lightful lo know that people all over the country are grateful for the tilings you have said!" "Thank you," said Emerson slowly; "but ll Is for some of the things I have not said Hint I feel most grateful." Youth's Companion. Binart Hoy. There's a youngster on Joy street who hears things, remembers them and util izes them in his own way at home. The other night there was company for dinner and Ilmmta startled every one when he thus trltd to relieve a brief silence: "Papa, you smell like a Chinese laundry man I" "What do you mean, you Impudent boy," blurted the father, both embar rassed and angry. "Through your nose, of course." and .Hi Ic could hear Inugliter after he bad goue to I..-1 under Imperative orders. Scleral weeks ago there was a meet lug of charitably Inclined ladles at the house and Jlinmle entered lu the midst of their deliberations. After listening long enough to get the trend of the dis cussion he took a hand. "Mamma," Jlinmle Interrupted In a sml voice, "I know a man not three bl... k- from here that hasn't given Ills wife a thing to eat for more than a week." The good women went Into a perfect spasm of ludlguatlou, some of them going so far as to declare that the mon ster should be lynched. But the mother was suspicious of the demure look on Jlmmle's face. "Who Is this cruel man, my son?" Mr. Loner." "Mr. Loner!" gaspid the excited la dles. "Why the dear old man has no wife nnd never had." When Jlinmle received the slipper treatment an hour later he remarked that It didn't seem safe (o tell the truth. - Detroit Free Press. I'roved True. A lawyer whose Davie was on one of the upper floors of a tall building was alsuit to enter the flora tor one morn ing, but Stepped back In order to let a lady w ho teamed 10 be In a hurry pre cede him. The "conductor," It appeared, had been walling for Just oue more passen ger to complete his load, aud when the lady stopped Inside he shut the door and tnt elevator shot upward. "l'ollteuess," muttered the lawyer, "Is not always Its own reward." A few minutes Ia4er, however, as cending by another "lift," he passed that load of passengers, stuck half-way between floors -where they remain. s half sit hour by some accident to the machinery. "1 take It back." he muttered. In the same tone as before. "Politeness is Its own reward!" A New Monopoly, Hardfaz- EI olio, Boneydowl Haven't seen you In nn nge. What are you do lug now? Honeydew- I'm living In Chicago, try ing to make an honest living. "Well, old Ihiy, you ought to succeed. You havcu't any competition." Life. Alluring-. Wife A few of us enthusiastic bley rllsts lu this part of the city have or gaulxed a little social club for the win ter. Can't you suggest some appropri ate name? Husband Call It the "Peddlers' Un ion." Art, Oui-st That's a very flue picture, Mr. PaekJnham. Mr. I'aeklnhiitu Well, It ought to be 1 paid fTsJ for the frame alone. A rtenerona tsnul. Mrs. Wiggins John, what on earth are ion saving up all those old broken iMiltles for? Why don't you have the girl dump them Into the garbage cuii? Mr. Wiggins Those, my dear, are for charity. 1 got to talking to the glass eater In one of the museums the other day, and he told me that he had hard work ke. ping bo.l, and soul together on bis salary, so I'm going to give him liaskelful of that stuff for a Christmas present. A (lood Blan. "By Heorge! there Is an office holder w ho must really be nn honest man." "Why do you think he Is honest?" "There Is no talk of running him for a second term In order that hi' may be vindicated." Cleveland Lender. A i I r. tit .to. i ... 'Do you think the fulled States will be handsomely represented at Parts?" "Why not? Our commissioner general Is very g.Kid looking." An RcOSWaaloal Veralon. she what do yon UIMfl by giving me nn Imitation llnssln leather pocket t...k ? He Imitation Is the slue. -rest flattery, Is It not? I-li I. tie. 'What a nickname," said one chum to another as they walked dow n the ave nue. "Why under Hie broad canopy did you ever lake to calling tier HO- range? " "Because she's so sweet, don't know ." J.'U A Poor Hhot. "Don't Is- too hard M blm now," re marked one club man to another, "he assures me In the most positive manner Hint he always alms to tell the truth." "Well, Pi) be charitable, but If that fellow always alms to fell the truth. I Just want to say that lie's a worse shot than any Spaniard that ever went to wur." Confirmed. "Do you hart any faith In this Idea that maladies can tie transmitted by kissing?" ask.i one of Detroit's young society men of another. "Well. sir. I was mighty skeptical till the other night. I kissed my Itcst girl for the first time lu my life and I've had palpitation of the heart ever since." Faved Her Conscience. "What do you think of your new nelghlsirs?" asked the hostess of tho "sweet" old lady w ho wns calling. "You know that 1 never speak un kindly of any oue. I have nothing to sny of her; but I will say of her husband that 1 feel very, very sorry for him." A Winning Wnjr, Algy Well, old Isiy, I've Just touched Boggy for another tenor. Chappie What! And got It? How M earth do you do It? Algy oh, It's very easy. I Just casu ally mention his resemblance to the Prince of Wales. -Tld Bits. Trade Hlralrr. .-Vs Hard Tussle tn Hnlve. "Are you good at working out pur. ales?" "No, Indeed. I have been married twenty years, and my wife Is as much of nn enigma to me ns ever." Ohio State Journal. Jnst i- in... i i he inn. The Heiress The man I marry must be very handsome, afraid of nothing and clever. Money's no object to me. Mr. Broke Doesn't It look like fate that we should have met? 0 nreasonable. It Is part of a doctor's duty to keep up the spirits of his patient, since hope fulness Is often the best of medicine, but the Cincinnati Enquirer cites a case In tvhh-h encouragement woe carrlid almost too far. A man met with a frightful accident, as a result of which both his legs had to be amputated. "Never mind," said the surgeon, a few days afterward, finding (he poor man despondent; "never mind, we shall have you on your feet again wltiilo three weeks." No Ki planatlon Handy. A little girl rebuked her brother for laughing at a mail with a crooked nose who passetl the nvise. "You musn't do that," she said. "Ood made blm that way." "Why, do you s'pose bo did Iff" asked the small boy with In- rest "oh, I don't know," responded the little sister, Indifferently. "l'oo ple do funny things." Foot hall tunkes demous of some uiea Slid angels of others. - what I I don't know how began Mr. Home- Annther Way to On. "Miss llllnud er I know want to say, but er to express myself," wood, "Express yourself, Mr. Homewood Miss Hllaud cut In, "won't the railroad people let you travel as a first class passenger?" Pittsburg Chronicle-Telegraph. A Future IHptoaaat, Little Harry Do you believe In Santa Clans? Little Frsnkle- You bet. I wouldn't git half as many things for Christmas If I didn't Know Thatr Marts flcancs. Henry Peck It's curious that In se lecting war Jewelry men favored cart ridges and womeu swords. Mrs. Henry Peck- Not at all! The sword Is the weapon of command!- The Jewelers' Weekly. An L'nfortanata Interference. Dlddereau Did you attend tho lec ture of Prof. Hardhead on "(Jrlp, a Malady of the Imagination V llld.tereau He did not lecture. "Why not?" "Dsiwn with the grip." Mew York WcvkH. i , . r i aafflnSvA Base outrage, presumably perpetratisl by a rival tradesman. Ally Hlopcr. A Oreat IHarnvarr. Mrs. Head Isn't It strange? Mr. Beail What, my dear? Mrs. Bead There never yet has been a strike In an alarm clock factory. -Jewelers' Weekly. The Difference. LiS "After all, what's the difference tte twocn fume nnd notoriety ?" "When the crowds see a famous matt approaching they whisper, 'Here ho comes, hut w hen the notorious man ap pears they say, '(let on to 'lm!' " Kxactlr. 'I think," said the civlll.od states man, "tnat we nail Letter arrange tor a Joint administration of your unhappy country." 'I think I . understand," said the na tive. "It Is something like you would administer a Joint of mutton; you get the meat and leave me the Joint." In dianapolis Journal. More Trouble. Mrs. Peek There goes a man that you might well envy. Henry Why? He's married, isn't he? As- A r. .-.ii. nn She (with a sigh) I see that Miss tor Is to marry a duke. He Oh, well, I wouldn't waste any sympathy ou her. Who knows? Nhu may love htm. His Conundrum. Merry Andrew Cau you tell me the difference between a man aud a monkey? Busy Man How much do you weigh? Merry AndrcwA huudred nud forty- eight pounds. Busy Man A hundred and forty- eight? I weigh 1(13. The difference Is Just fifteen pounds. Cleveland Lender. Emperor Ilebukes a Woman. A curious relic of bygone days may be seen on a house ln Berlin. Two blacksmiths lived opposite each other lu that city whose trade rivalry became the talk of the neighborhood. One day. the Kmperor, William L, wbo was fond of going about the city disguised as a fanner, In order to "fael the pulse of the people," rode up to the door of ono of the blacksmiths to hare his horse's shoe fasten. -I A daughter of the rival blacksmith, to show her contempt for this customer, put out h.-r tongue and llstorted her face with a horrible grin. The Emperor called together the wood- arvers of the city and offered a prise for the most hideous face of a woman they could devise, and when he had ae lectcd the most ugly specimen produced oue with a tongue lolling out of Its wooden mouth he rode over with It to the blacksmith's shop. There, to tho consternation of the young woman, he ordered that fury's head nailed over the door aa a warning sgalust petty spite. Detroit Free Preas. A writer saya sleep Is conducive to beauty. Perhaps It Is, but we have seen some rather homely policemen, uevtsr Oleics.