Image provided by: University of Oregon Libraries; Eugene, OR
About The Eugene City guard. (Eugene City, Or.) 1870-1899 | View Entire Issue (Dec. 24, 1898)
RKM KM BBS that multitudes of
birds erata singing, buttercups and
daisies wore In bloom, nnd tl.e
. ,. l.. . .1 ,1.1 l.i I. .11, .11. .. . I
" " '"
.red-for I picked miii to blow away 1
Lt one breath for In. -It. So :t matt h:ivo
MM mi "I" in,,, ,n nK. in i.;,. i , j-
km, that I went over lo play vv th
(he Sherman lioys. mid thereby met
nil A ii c moraine ,i in en 1 1 re
.....II-.. il,.. l..-a n. I..,,.. . .
, " ,
fl-Wt -w fl we '" pwbapa by
Inheritance from our Bngtlab ntices- (
lor, in iv " " f i '.! anaua u.
Ave were cvuum vui iv our lavonte
formula, iif. umr. inuner lOCK, K
eese In n tlocli, ami It rt'll to Tilin g
hot to blind.
Hefore his loud announcement of the
Drsi if" " iiu.i.ii.-.i-., men ne Has
- . r II.,, I. .It,. I 1 ...I.I .1. I I
so rapidly counting mat there w. hut
a continuous Illumine lioiwecll the t, n
Lf bldlOf-plACat. I was at no loss to
il. iiii3 ii mi i M.Hii'irii i sr: r, i
Ami nil. IMP 1 KIH'W PVi'l'V tin it; nn I ,
Turner of the premises: nnd as neither !
uii me '"v- .... ii. i
over the stable. This place afforded a
riHHi iiiiui'i'ii v .i ,.'"i, us ni-ii im u
rum UHlinK mice
As I winleil through the liny to the
darkest corner, the figure of a man
L...l .... I. ..for. inn llA.lv , . , I - ! , I. I
pUlllii, , .,.,.., .lit-
breath out or me, so sudden and urn x
nected wns tlie apparition, lie seemed
Ln tnrtllMl Ihntl I nnd .eli.in In
the dim light, I made him out to be B
'negro. 1 guessed that he was a fug live
r. i . i.i- ,i i n i ... ,.
Lnt, as he whispered, anxiously. "Say,
chile Is dls yerc Mar.V Abum ThOTOt'l
That was the name of my father,
a-lw. u:is n 7.c:l nils lltiO '. I lull St find
inse in se was wen k own iv
friends of the "cause." and suspected
fcy enemies, to lie n station of the On-
,1..r ,,r, i I n .1 II n i I I i el d .ollefirll I II tf vvliow..
musky passengers, often seen by us be-
lueeii lie i un imi-i nui ',niiiii nun l: '
JUIJ, IIIJ DIOI.I .... . VUIIJ I. ,llie I I J
Keep our owu counsel.
It struck no at once thai this fugitive
' . ii . 1 1 1 i v Inn In n tr t. i m .
f..L.. thnn In enniliiL' lo the Kliprtn-in
heard neighbor Miermnn dechire to my
t ,r Hell t U'tis IIS elelirlv , illlte
nv ft, i v " . .. .... " .w mm n w. ww
a stray horse to Its owner.
So 1 answered my Interlocutor In n
mouse. Hut thee can't go there DOWl
put'liiiiiii o .."no a. on mvi , . ni-r inn..
, an' dou't stir till 1 come for thee
r dark. I'm Abraham Tho;nc's
I said, seelug that he hesitated a
Thereupon he lay down, saying as he
I nn 'on ..-III ,,' ',,,,,,,,1, ,..
s mw.r ii imiiiri' , i ,
1 carefully covered him with hay.
mini mere wns n irnou cnanee oi s
horses were turned out lo grass.
I had barely time to smooth on the
vue, iivo, uiree, luoa uui ior inc.
I stowed myself where he would be
uu iu me g.'in, so iintl lie uno no oi
ler means to relieve his hunger, and
ew so abstracted over the problem
it I attracted the attention of my
"What makes you look so down III the
mnn inmr.t- , ..in .iim.m. n iul-ih
"Oh, notbln'," I answered, evasively;
vox i m so Hungry, i oneve I ve goi
Ku.no uiiiii . . .. i ..; i, mi ii 1,1 . ,i i, , ,,
ffllllBU I ,11,1.' nn ..,.,..1, I, ,,,, L fit .1
H I ,1 ,1111,11. f.i .lllo , . i . . . , i I ,1 .T ' '
The explanation might pass with
L'lT IVII' I lie,' lime nU 'lle ill i . iV 1
'Hurrah for something feat I" cried
om. ( nine on' nnd u ted the WMV
the kitchen door, where an appeal
double slice of bread and butter and
dotlirllllllt for .inch of lis
I made a pretense of eailng. not with-
till Jim Sherman liognn to count
n.l il. - . -m . ...
Den I nrunt ... .i. l.. I. nn tin, n
Knve all my lunch to the negro, lt
n,... i .. . 1. 1... - -, i
t 'hat I was making a great sacrifice
the "cause" In which my fatliei w is
"1 wish thee'd come to our house lu-
of here," I whispered to the n."-
as ne sat up under the tent ot nay.
"Tell ye what, honey," he answered.
-vie i was stayin yisi nay. nis
.IS On llln,.,i ., rl tin 1 ...,ii .1 ioiL-,t mil
- de dim o' de mawulu'-dis yere was
e Iilne.. ii
"Well, we enn't help It now. All tboe ,
" no is to keep still till DlgOL"
Then Jim shouted wnrnlng. and I
- .. ... . ....I,,,,, , .I.,, i. ,
talrs before my mnn was down and
iin lounu me. sum we msmu
When the game was ended I went
..lie ii,,i..h.. .........i. I..., ,.,,ii,i nn-
I.... .' ':""u" . ' ,.'
imm. m . .,.
' "J"J III U1IIIM I. U '
ther of him at the first opportune,
he was as anxious as I. s his
"I wouldn't have nclghtior Sherman
him for anvtblnir. but thee did the
i"i coum is? aone, my sou. an i
's nothing for It but to wait till
The commendation comforted me,
Bd I proved myself a valuable trencli-
w-n at sunner.
After nightfall I stole acroai the fields
tO neighbor Sheriunn's. ,,,! nil Mu
quill about i he premises. I at once
lo the loft, where 1 found
my man Just on the ,H.lnt of seitluc
forth nlonc. , i1In.i ' t
l""C'r may in tha dangerous products.
We had crept rautlouitly downstairs
and around the barn, not drawing a
fioe breath till we got It between us
anl the house n imn .-.. i. .
- . """" " i Bum
"rm'n rapidly to the door, and vnv.s
in low, earnest conversation. Than
MOM one ran rnnldlv nn the ..!.. ,
the loft, and presently returned; where-
upon the team wan driven away
Kieaier nail than It had eonie.
I did not understand It at all. nnd
only felt sure that we had started none
too MOB. It was brlehl atnrlleht mo
we skuiKimI along fences, which led m
n roundabout vvnv. till we cam.. ,
our lOlKC. HMlllllir ,,, .!, ..
iri't'S nr u i"ir, ..m
The kltebCDdoOV wns o- en. mv furhor
sffin.llmr In It I. ullk, i
' I ,,i ..II i .1 111 M
in. iiiiiiH'ei, . n ;nr IIL'UM H vlo nl
at Intervals around the house v-f
i.'hiiiii?i nun men, except one wh
seemed to be looking In our direction.
I tell yon there's no one but mv own
family In my house," I heard my father
One of the men replied. "That's all
very well. Mr. Thome, but I can't take
your word for It. w hen (here's a nigger
In the case. We shall have to search
Then, with a terror that seemed to
melt my leg-hones nnd take my heart
of my body. 1 realized that our house
was beleaguered by slave hunters. The
two men at the door pushed In past my
father, while the others stood more
alert. The man who was looking our
w.iv moved toward us as directly as If
he saw us. though the negro nnd I, by a
common Impulse, crawled quickly be
hind the trunks of two pear-trees a few
On he came unerringly, until he was
right between us, and I made out dis
tinctly the tall, muscular form and red
liearded face of our neighbor Sherman.
I expected to see him pounce upon the
crouching figure of my companion like
a tiger on his prey, and wondered If a
sudden attack In the rear by a 1- year
old boy could be of any avail.
He turned neither to the right nor to
the left as he passed between us, nor
paused ns he whispered with sharp dis
tinctness, "Oo back to my barn and lay
low till I tell ye!"
A few paces beyond us he turned
nbmit tad paMOd between us again, re
pealing the whispered injunction, nnd
g lng b;ick to the house, toak post there,
loudly enjoining vigilance upon the
The negro crawled away In range of
his tree, on his hands and knees, as
stealthily as a cat, and I followed as
Dearly as I could In like manner, till we
gained the cover of a fence, looking
back from which we saw the light shin
ing from successive windows as the
searching party moved from room to
room, while the figures of the besiegers
were dissolved and blotted out lu the
We made our way back to the Sher
man place with cautious haste, now
startled by a ground nesting bird burst
ing up from the grass before us. now
making wide detnUrs to nvold some dim
object, which proved to be a harmless
cow or stump, till nt last we reached
the left and lay down upon the hay.
with a welcome sense of security In
the place which I had lately deemed so
Then as we rested and by degrees re
covered natural breathing, my com
panion explained In whispers the mys
tery of neighbor Sherman's behavior.
"'Long In the nrternoon 1 was layln"
klvered In de fodder n-wlshln' mighty
hard for night an' suffln' for to eat.
an' I heard somebody come a troiu
pllng up de stulrs. an' he begin pokln'
de fodder, an' me des nnt'aly shakln'
wld fear, ontwel fust I knowed he hove
de fodder clean off'n me. A mons'ous
big, ferce-lookln' mnn he was, wld a
red balrd Mme man he was that came
to we tins ober yander, an' he holler at
me, 'What you doln' here? You's a
runaway nigger, dnt's whnt you Is.
"When I try for to speak, he say.
Hon' you tell me aoOn'. I don' wan'
to hear a word out 'n yo' head. You
had anything to eat since you ben
yere?' an' I toT bin how you done fotch
me a little speck. In de niawnlu', nn' he
went an' fotch me a heap o' whittles,
an' he tol' me to lay still under de fod
der ontwel de dark come on' an' den go
to de tiex' bouse an' not come back
yere no mo', 'cause he ain't gwlne for
to have no runaway niggers roun' his
place. Deen he klver me In de fodder,
an' dat de las' 1 seen him ontwll he
come on we-uns ober yander. Oh, he's
a Bigbt! curious man, dat he Is."
I quite agreed In his opinion of neigh
bor SI erman, since he was acting In so
unexpected a manner.
u' nt' ni!4'il V mr .Til IJUUI Wiwr "
heard a cautious step a.cen. : ug ne
stairs, anu "f" ' " - " ; ' " " ;
lo re, they can go over to Thome's now.
11 Oili '
With that he went nownsiairs. anu
we presently followed, and went over
to our house, where all wai quiet after
the futile search.
. ... A
on the following nignt my isiurr
rlel the fuuitire to me u.
northward, nd we saw no more or a m
"PON' VOU TKI.I, ME NfFFIN'."
run heard tTiat fi. reichc.i Cnn.idi vttte I
out further adventure.
A few data inter I boppoMi to hear
my fniher thanking objkbof IIHIHO
very warmly for whnt he hnd done,
and the response of the latter wns:
"Bbol Ahr'nin. don't never mi a
word about Ii. wouldn't for nil' Hi
world have It gel out 'at 1 harbor, d a
runaway nlgg, r. Why. they wouldn't
never call on me agin lo help ketch
em. lOfJUTI Companion.
Data! U of ika Haoafactora of vio-
ll'lll I I'lcL ,
The use of gun cotton In the charging
f torpedoes and for other purpose has
1,1 '"e o enormous that some nccoiint
of Its modern uimiuf..cturc Is of Inter
est. PUN raw cotton or ordinary cotton
waste, which la commonly seen In all
places where machinery Is used. Is
steeped In a solution of one part of
nitric and three parts of sulphuric acid.
It Is the former that renders the sub
stance explosive, the latter Mug used
only to absorb the wntcr. thus permit
ting the nitric acid to combine more
readily with the cellulose of the cotton.
After btlag soaked several hours In
the acids the cotton Is removed and
passed between rollers to expel from It
the non absorbed acid. The cotton Is
i then thoroughly washed lo remove nnv
afld still remaining which would de
compose the cotton If permitted to re
main In It. This washing process Is a
long one. requiring machinery which
reduces the cottou to n.uch the same
condition to which rags are reduced In
a paper mill-a sort of pulp.
If It Is to be used In the manufacture
of powder the cotton Is still further pul
j verlned and It then thoroughly dried.
If It Is for use In torpedoes It Is com-
pressed Into shapes thai make It easy
' to pack Into torpedo heads. The form
j varies greatly, sometimes being disk
shaped, sometimes cylindrical; gala it
Is lu fiat iqnarOa nnd again In cubes.
rhe gun cotton when not compress I
Is light, about the weight of an eijual
hulk of common batting. Terrible as It
Is as an explosive, n brick of It wheii
wet may be placed upon hot coals, and
as the moisture dries oft the cotton
flakes and burns quietly. When dry,
however, It will explode with great vio
lence If exposed to a temperature of
alNiut 320 degrees.
It Is usually fired by detonation, or nn
Intense shock, which produces a more
powerful effect than heat. In the tor
pedo the wet cotton Is detonnted by the
explosion of dry cotton In a lube, which
Is tired by a cap of fulminate of mer
cury, which Is, In turn. Ured by the Im
pact of the torpedo against the hull of
the vessel toward which It Is discharg
ed. Chicago Hecord.
Spanish Wooden Itullets.
It Is well known that Spanish soldiers
In Cuba were poor marksmen, but
great surprise has been expressed, says
the Scientific American, at the remark
able lack of execution which character
ized their fire at Ouantanamo and San
tiago, and an officer of the I'nlted
States gunboat Montgomery has been
able to throw some light on the matter.
He visited the Maria Teresa after the
destruction of t'ervcra's Beet In search
of souvenirs. He found a large num
ber of Mauser cartridges In groups of
live ready lo go Into the magazines of
the guns, nnd If the entire Spanish
army and navy were equipped with
that kind of ammunition both Cervern
nnd Tornl were nmply Justified In sur
rendering when they did. The car
tridges consisted of a metal shell load
ed with hair and a sprinkling of pow
der. The bullet wns nf neither brass
nor lend, but of wood. Some army con
tractor had Imposed on the ordnance
bureau of the Spanish navy, but to
what extent the wooden Mauser bullets
were used will probably never be
Old Age 1'enslont In New land.
New Zealand, which has prided her
self for a good many years on "ad
vanced" legislation, and which is often
held up ns one of the most progressive,
countries In the world (though a Hilt-
Ish colony), Is about to Inaugurate
whnt may lie called an old age pension
I The Legislature of the far off colony
I recently passed an elaborate bill, mak
ing provision for pensions to persons
In straitened circumstances who are
over ltT years old. The pension
amounts to but $1)0 a year, or aliout
j $1.73 a week, and no one who has an
Income of over $3 a week or property
worth more than $2,700 will be en-
titled to It. Twenty years' residence
in the colony and ten years' exem
plary conduct are requisite In order to
secure this stale gift, which Is sig
nificant, not so much for the amount
as for the precedent which It em-bodles.-Hoston
The Largest Loaves of Itrcad.
The largest loaves of bread baked
In the world are those of France and
Italy. The "pipe" bread of Italy Is
baktd In loaves two or three feet long,
while In France the loaves are made
In the shape of very long rolls four or
five feet In length, and In many cases
even six feet. The bread of Paris Is
distributed almost exclusively by wo
men, who go to the various bakehouses
at MO a. m. and spend about an hour
polishing up the loaves. After the
loaves are thoroughly cleaned of dust
and grit, (he "bread porter" pr.n Is
on the round of her customers. Those
who live In apartments or flats find
their loaves leaning against the door.
Specific for Heaslokn
Bright red spectacles accompanied by
Internal doses of calomel form a BOW
German sp.-clHc against seasickness. It
Is deduced from Epstein's Investlgs
tlons on the Influence of color on the
blood vesels In the brain. Heaslcknest
Is due to lack of blood In the brain,
while red sends blood to the brain with
a rush. By looking at one point fur
some time through the red glasses the
patient Is cured radically.
Before expressiug your honest con
vlctlous these days, you must -lock
yourself In a room and plug up the
l'p to date, the women members of a
certain church have tried every known
means to raise the church debt except
by putting air bags under It.
Confidence often begets confidence
rotters are not the only poopla who
make family Jars.
THE CIGARS OF MANILA.
Now Much Holler limn Tli c ksaeH
ran I aS I lo - mekr
Clears gad cigarettes are remarkably
heap, even In the face of Ihc economic
soodltaOM thnl exist In the Baat. The
s boa peal cigar are sold for $10 per
IjOOOj and the lnot expenshe for $ml
per 1,000. It educe thst to n gold basis,
and you find yourself wondering how
they can Ik- made for the money. The
i-lgarettes are even cTieni'r The cheap
est grades retail for H nnd "J'-j cents
Mexican per package of twenty four
ml thirty cigarettes, nnd the grades III
most common use sell at the factory for
$'-1i Mexican, or $D,V) god. per l.issi
package of twenty four and thirty
cigarettes each. The best cigars can
be tattgbl at retail at the cigar stands
for fi and lo cents Mexican, and It la
eeorded that III the days of the BMOOp
)ly a very fair cigar, ns Manila cigar
go. could be bought for I nnd cents
Mexican. The genuine Manila cigar of
to day Is not known In the Called
Stntes, nnd If ever II finds Its sjfaj there
It will at once spring Into Immense pop
ularity. The old Manila cigar, short
ind stubby, or cone-shaped. Is rapidly
passing, nnd In Its place uiisl.-ru cigar
are being made. All of the modern
hnpc In vogue In Kurope and America
have DOtfl Introduced since the monop
nly ceased to exist, and anything that
pleases the fancy may In- had at the
kiosks of Manila. The modern cigar,
made of Mia liesl Cagayim or Isaliel lo
bacco, Is not a go,d ns the Cuban pro
duct, but It will bear fair comparison
with It, and Is certainly the superior of
score of the domestic brands sold lu
the I nllcd Stales. The tobneco Is mild
er, and there Is no flavoring Introduced
Into It BOt any chemical process resort
ed to lu treating It.
There are UyOOO Americans In Manila
now. and they take very kindly to the I
liettcr grades of Manila cigars. The
Igaretle are ulso made of pure to
bacco. The entire Industry has suf
fered on aivoiint of the Inferior grades
that are shipped from here, ami Manila
cigars have been unfairly condemned.
The average small native planter
grows no more tobacco and does no
more work than Is absolutely necessary
to earn a living. He plants In Novem
ber ami garners In Ma KB. nnd In Hie
. Interim raises what mnlze he needs for
his house and farm. He has no other
cares, and borrows none, lie pockets
the market price when the buyer ar
; lives, and It keeps him until he comes
again. He has to sort his leaves Into
' five sizes and bundle them Into uiauos.
each of which contains Hi leaves, and
there end his troubles, There are eight
large and between fifty and one hull
died small factories lu Manila, and the
former employ from -lisi to li.otm opera
tives each. In the manufacture of the
better grades of cigars un n and Isiys
arc employed almost exclusively, while
on the cheaper cigars nnd cigarettes
women are more generally employed.
The former are. as a rule, paid on the
piece system, while the latter nre often
contracted for In gangs, nnd answer to
their employers only through the sub
contractor. Wages vary, not only as
to the grade nf the clgnrs made, but ns
lo the skill of the operatives, nnd there
Is a wide range In pay. Kxpert clgar
maker In the large factories can earn
$1 Mexican, or -lo cents on the gold
basis, but the average Is nearer to 73
cents Mexican, and among the children
and less expert operatives wages range
down to 'jo nnd no cents Mexican per
day. Manila Correspondence Chicago
The war with Spain has served to
popularize lu common language many
terms usually employed only lu a mill
tnry sense, and has frequently furnish
ed the smart men of the press With a
new figure of speech.
"I shall have to ask yo". Mr. Pad
ili-tii," said a city editor, looking over a
large bundle f manuscript which a
new reporter had turned In ns a de
script Ion of a trivial occurrence, "to lie
plO that stuff."
"To deploy It?" said the new reporter.
"I don't understand."
"Turn that column Into a line," re
Jollied the editor.
Pitiful Poverty In Itiissln.
Statistics Just published ibow that In
Russia only 947.388 families out of a
population of about 180,000,000 souls
have an Income of over $."oo a year, or
that practically more than 90 per cent,
of the whole population are constantly
In a state of abject poverty and pauper
ism In their various degrees. The fig
ures I nine appalling when one con
siders the case of the peasantry, which
forms the overwhelming majority of
the population. The average yearly In
come of n peasant fnmll.1 consisting of
six members ranges from 100 lo $73 a
year, out of which between $-3 and $,'13
has to be paid to the gover cut lu di
What Htm Win.
in a New England graveyard there
has lately been discovered an epitaph
which leaves a wider scope for the
Imagination of the reader than almost
any other which could be composed.
A person straying through the little
graievard stopped to read the words on
an old slate sioiie slab; two winged
beads were carved shove the epitaph:
Here lies the remains of Mary Anu
Words nre wanting to say what.
Think what a good womau should be;
She wns that."
Nov r Hatlsltrd.
Residents of POOCS nr.- changing the
pronunciation of the name of the town
to one syllable, "Police," liecause that's
I'nlted Ststes, and they want to lie like
US. At the snme time people of the
United States are changing their pro
nuuelatloii to "Poll tha," lus-ause that's
Hpsnlsh, slid they wsnt to appear well
i is i Huiid Moats
There Is a fish found 111 Hudson Baj
which absolutely builds a nest. This
It docs by picking up pebbles In Its
mouth and placing them In a regulsr
way on a selected spot on the bottom of
the bay, where the water Is not very
The Icebergs of the two hemispheres
sre entirely different lu shspc. The arc
tic bergs are Irregular In form, with
lofty plunacles and gllterlug domes,
while tbe sntarctlc bergs are flat top
ped and galtd loping
HE LIKED TH! M.
kfaf! tal Boer's kdsBlrntloa f
Waneon Was ' eat laovoaelaaT.
I was riding along the road leading
across Hurricane Gap. In the Pine I
mountain range, thinking of the pan
liar paopla who lived lu these fastness '
es. when I argl s'artle.l by a voice up
the hillside calling to me to come up
and give somebody a lift. 1 had ne
Idisi Sa0 owned the voice, but n ho
ever It wis was In trouble, and I re
st.inded and found a mnn of 00 or more
caught by the foot under a fallen tree
and unable lo get away. He wasn't
hurl, and I Mag had him on hi feet,
and he Insisted on my stopping further
down the mountain and taking dinner
with him. He lived In a well kept cabin
with hU daughter, and nfter dinner wt
sat In the shade of a tree iu the yard
and he told me about himself.
"A4r you married':" he asked, nfter
he told me he was a widower.
"No, but 1 hope to be sonic day," 1 an
swered, quite sincerely.
"You ought lo lie; every man ought
to be: a man that ain't ibowla' a right
fetllB' to'rd what the Lord's d me fer
him; tliar ain't notbln' on the (ace uv
God's green earih that Is a patchln' to
a woman. I dou't kevr what kind she
"You're hale and hearty yet." I said,
"and I don't ee why you don't lake
some of your ow n advice."
"Hon't crowd Hie mourners, mister."
he said, waving his hand as If warding
off my attack. "Pon'l you crowd the
mourners. I'm flggerln" on sever'l ibis
very minute, and I ain't quite shore yll
which one lo pick. I've baag married
four iluies. and eveiy time my notions
uv women has got so much higher that
1 11 lie denied iff I don't kinder look
forrenl to lotto' n wife Jusl fer the sat
Isfactlon uv geltln' another one."
The Idea was so elitlrely new that I
was overcome by It. Washington Stnr
Me Laughed l.ai.
A story Illustrating red tape was told
me the other day by an engineer oltlcer.
writes Arnold While In Harper s Week
ly. In Ihc course of Ills duties, which
Involved traveling over Ihc country, be
sent lu a bill w hich contained a chnrge,
"porter, 64." The w ord porter Is one of
those dubious terms III the Kugllsh Inn
gunge which are capable of two Inter
premiums. One signifies Ihc man w ho
cnrrles one's baggage at a railway sta
Hon: the other Is the foim of black beer
which Is known under the name of
"porter." When my Informant, there
fore, claimed a return of the sixpence
be had expended he wns told by the
War Office authorities that alcoholic
drinks were not lo In- Included lu t In
tra! cling allowance of ollleers. He re
Jul 1 thai he was not claiming for ill
coholle drink, but for the hire of a man
to transport his bnggage at a station.
Upon which the sapleiil olllclal rcpolu
ed that In future he should not claim
for porter, but porterage. On the next
occasion on which this olllcer. who was
a wag, was traveling on behalf of bis
country he sent In a bill w hich Includ
ed the Item, "cabbage '-'s." The bill was
promptly returned by the War Office
authorities, with the statement that
green vegetables wci- not lo be Includ
ed lu the traveling allowance of olll
eers. The olllcer replied that he did not
mean to Imply Dial he had bought
green Vegetables, bill I lull he had taken
a cub. nud that, as when he hnd asked
for the hire of a porter he w as Instruct-
tt to call It porterage, h mid only
presume that he was carrying out their
lordships wishes III rtalnlttg for Hie
return of the sum he had laid down on
tha tranaporl of his person ami goods
from Hie station under the bend of
A Tiny Hlci'lrlc Motor.
A Western watchmaker has built the
smallest electric motor In the world. It
Is so small thai It does not cover a sli
ver dime. The armature Is about tho
size of a small slate pencil. The front
of the motor Is of gold, highly pollsheil,
and the coiiiinulntor segments are nlso
of the same metal, so Hint viewed from
a little distance the scarf pin has Hie
appearance of a very valuable and
rather curiously designed pin The first
thing lo attract the attention Is tha
buzzing of the machine, which, by
means of a current obtained fr a
small chloride of sliver battery carried
In the vest ket, is kept III operallou
at a high rate of speed, and tgftth a
noise like a small nest of hornets. Tho
field magnets of the little motor are
made of two Ihlcl sses of No. ii
sheet Iron scraped down and polished.
These are held together with gold
screws and wound with No. llll silk
covered wire. The armature Is of Hie
four pole type and Is wound with No.
UU wire. The Utile brushes are of mar
velous thinness, having been construct
ed of copper, hammered down with
much patience and care. There Is a
small gold switch on a black rubber
base, made with a pin, to be worn on
the lapel of the vest. The owner of
this novel scarf pin has been asked to
exhibit It In public, but Is content with
the homage paid to his talents lu his
native town, and refuses to show II
Work ol It I.
Itnts are idaylng luivot with the uu
dergroiind telephone and telegraph cu- j
hies lu St. Iiuls. They have discover
ed that ihc wires are covered wlih par
attl ucd paper, and they like the taste.1
To satisfy their sppcllics tfeOf must;
gnaw through the lead canting around;
the wires. It ha happened lu a iniue I
bar of cases UMI the rats In gnawing
through the lead cable to gel at Ills
greased paper have bared the copper
wires so that they touch agog other and
cross In such a manner as to make It
Impossible to establish com in uu lea I loo ,
Only Indian Twins Alive.
Iu Oklahoma TttTttOT the other day
twins were born lo While Hove ef the
Usages. It has been the custom of In
dluns lo strangle l be weaker of twlm
shortly after their brllb. White Dove
refused lo follow Hie custom of her
people, and now Is cut lu the best In
dlan circles. She fled with her bsblet
to the agent al Pouca and so saved
Kllsabeth's fA rlune.
The lale buipreat Kllzahelb left a
vast fortune. She had a much Isrgrt '
civil list than she ever spent, and bei
surplus Income was Judiciously laid out
In purchasing property around Vienna,
wblcb was bought very cheap, but II
now covered with bulld'ngs and enor .
HUMOR OF THE WEEK
STORIES TOLD BY FUNNY MEN
OF THE PRESS.
Odd, i in. hi. and Lunuhnbla Phnsrs
of Huasaa Nature (iraphlcallr I'or
Irajcd by Kmlurnl Word Arlials of
Our Usi Dujr-A lludgct of Van.
To CMIIsMM In Blrlfe.'-
"Having had a taste of war, I. lent.
Ilugglns seems lo want more of II."
"Why; has he decided to go Into the
"No; bul he Is going to get married
at asassa's iiie.
Little Harry Mamma, what's a
Mamma Thai's a polite name for
those social events your papa's club
gets up every little while.
No ladaeesaeat iiirr.
"Ah! young lady. I was young nnd
beaatlfal myself once, and then 1 nev
er refuned a poor woman.''
"Well, the result Isn't exactly encour
aging." A Pnsallilr Krini.li.
"Cyrano should have married."
"It might have Improved his nose
to have It held down on the matrimon
ial grind etoaa." Chicago Record.
"I think Hie name 'Yule' and 'Har
vard' should lie given to two of our
regular war ships."
"Well, what's (he matter with Vas
Dors Jusl W.-II.
"My employer Is so queer; I can't
tetl when he's pit used."
"Well, you can tell when he's dis
pleased, cau't you?"- Chicago Hecord.
Lit lie Albert Pa, who were the sev
Pa They were the first policemen
that we have any record of.
Ilardlv Ktir On I el.
Hollle Was It a quiet spot where
you kissed Mollle?
Chollle No; Ii was on the mouth.
She Are oii a veg.-tailan?
The Poet tea, ofl ami on. Puck.
The l.aal Word, of t'onrss.
lie I lou t you tadlcvc thai In the
majority of divorce eases Hie woman
wns lo blame?
She t If course, I do. She should
never have married. Philadelphia
The Man to Talk to.
Judge I dou't waut to see you here
Prtl r I wish you'd say that to
the policeman. Soincrvlllu Journal.
An I ..ii i '.i-i
Mis Tonne Mr. Hunting Is a sin
M -s l-'llklns How ao?
Miss Toiniuey lie says he doesn't
Miss Kllklns Rut lots of men don't
Miss Toiiiiney Y'es, but Mr. Hunting
says he dou't care who knows It.
A Vnrranne Conclusion.
"What a tall girl llrlghnin's daughter
has grown to be I She must be six feet
"Yes. but she's a mighty nice girl and
the little fellow that's going to marry
ber w ill be a lucky chap."
"Who Is he?"
"I don't know."
"Rut you Just spoke of him as a little
"Well, being a tall girl, she wouldn't
mnrry any but a little fellow, vv.iiild
i i.i.i ii. ii l'oBiilliiieiit.
"Ry Jove, I'm awfully glad to see
you here, Miss Hmwn. When I first
came lu I felt quite nervous every
body looked so awfully clever."
lie I lu lu ve you cared fur me the
first 1 1 ill- we ever met.
She Why, what makes you think
lie Recause you kept looking at me
o steadily. Kvery time I glanced In
your direction your gaze was riveted
She oh, bul It wasn't because I had
fallen In love with you. I was think
ing what a pity It was that there was
no one near and dear to you who could
b-:i you what wretched taste you had
first Venerable Man 1 met old Hill
Jones Jusl uow, and he had the as
urauce to tell me that he felt as freab
as a l wo year old.
Second Venerable Man-Likely be
meant two year old c' -Indianapolis
"Well. I've filially got even with old
Rockingham for refusing to have ma
a a son in law."
"How did you do RT"
"I wa a metnlier of the committee
thai wa appointed to Initiate blm In
our lodge the other night. They say he
won't get out of the hospital for a
A rhnnre In Make Money.
Mrs. Peck -Henry, 1 ve been talking
to you for twenty minutes, and I'll bet
you don't know a word I've said.
Mr. Peck Say, go nnd try to get
somebody outside of the family to take
that bet, will you?
II , ikma Hack.
Mr. Ackllns I don't want to he Im
pertinent, but how old nre you, any
way? Some of the ladle were discuss
ing your age at Ihc club I be other day,
and several of them claimed that you
were at least U3, bin I Insisted that you
were not more than Ik'l.
Mrs. Blawlck- I'm glad you were so
kind. Of course, you didn't mention
the fact Unit you were ready to leave
the grammar grade when 1 was In tbe
primary class at school, did you?
Mr. Bttnbttl I'm afraid John iKish
Into bad company down there ut nW
lege. He must Ik- gambling.
Mr, llllinbus-Why, what makes you
Mr. llllinbus I got a letter from him
this morning In which be didn't ask
for money. I wonder tf he knows how
to stack Hie cards?
Now They Ar 'Irsnvrrs,
lie- What lovely flowers! Do you
know, they remind me of you?
She Why, they are artificial.
He- Yes, I know; but It requires close
examination to detect It.
Not liood Voney.
"He has money to burn."
"Is II really as badly torn and mutil
ated ns that?" Chicago Post.
Living- I'll lo IIU Principle.
"Look here!" exclaimed the woman
who had made a sandwich for a tramp
and then thoughtlessly left him alone
for a minute within reach of two
whole pics, "what do you mean by eat
ing all that pie?"
"Madam," replied the tramp politely,
as he let his belt out another hole. "I
am a believer lu expansion." -Chicago
"What were the most striking things
voii saw while you were In Kurope?"
"The people who were always strik
ing me for Hps."
T in . A I way On.
Clam What became of that young
Woodb you refused last winter?
ktanda (Who Is still single) -Oh. he
married provuklugly well.
"Wot am I molklu'? Illcyelc, ol
A Kataal Performance.
"io you have any rule to regulate
"Well. I never shake hands with any
man ofteiier than he shakes hand
with me." Chicago ltceord.
"Clara Is always up to dale."
"She rented wooden Indians tod ir
ale her parlors for Hint afternoon lea."
"There goes an art enthusiast, Tom.
Wants to paint. Her mind Is full of It."
"Yes. II shows on her face."- Collier's
Mrs. Spurks 1 guess Lulu nnd Hur
ry are gradually drifting apart sines
he's gone back to college. I dou't be
lieve they care as much for each other
as they did, and I wouldn't be surpris
ed If we could break up the affair yet.
Mr. Sparks -Ah, that's good. Rut
what reason have you for thinking tli.il
their affection la cooling?
Mrs. Sparks -Well, she's receiving
only one teller a day from blm uow.
M ni 1 don't how i an g.j
on encouraging him when yuu are al
ready engug' d.
Jessie Well, I read somewhere once
that lii order to avoid disappointments
In life It Is always well to have mors
than two strings to your bow, and ll
seems to me thnl having more than
one beau ou your slrlug Is part of tha
Author vn-er He II-Made Names.
Robert Southey once wrote under the
name of "Abel ShufiTchottoui;" Mat
thew Arnold hid hlmsilf behind thu
modest Initial "A.;" Richard Whately
was "A Country Pastor;" Whltelnw
Bold was "Agate;" John Huskln was
"A liraduate of Oxford;" Susan r'eunt
more Cooer was "A Lady;" Sir Walter
Scott was "A Layman;" Robert South
ey was "Alvarei Kaprlelln;" Richard
Cuhden was "A Manchester Manufac
turer;" J. Peiilmore Cooper wus "An
American;" Thomas Moore wns "An
Irish Man;" Donald (J. Mitchell wns
"An Opera doer;" Matthew Arimld
was "Armlnlus von Thunderteiitroiic
kle" (Pall Mall OaaotUJ! B A Poe was
"Arthur Gordon Pjrni" William Makepeace-Thackeray
was "Arthur Pendeu
nla;" Hcury Watterson was "Asa
Trenchant;" James Russell Lowell was
"A Wonderful Quia."
When a man dies, and his w Ife Is left
to take care of the home, she spcndi
two-thirds of ber time In running aflei
Lots of men who make witty remarks
are too dense to realise the tact.