Eogene City Gaard.
I. I CAMPBELL, PrepriaUr.
EUGENE CITY...
.OREGON
And now they say tint Kalochoo I
only ono won!. Well, It Uo't auytblni
to be aneezcd at, anyhow.
Depend on the bargain Irwttlnrt work
Ing out In the eex. A aoclrty leader
tin marked down New York' 400 to
iro.
Japan, with It hat one aide and It
rye corked a natural aa life, I dolnif
all It ran to five Hum. I a a bint that ira
loaded for Ix'ar.
Whichever of tho power may par
tleularly advance In Uie Kant, there la
morn than a chance In any cane of
China loiiing ground.
The atomach may not lie a vital or
gnn, aa certain ambltlou rarvcra de
clare, but you iniiHt take good care of It
If you e i to live long and be happy.
An allacheof Ilarnum'a clrrua write
from London that It cost $19 a day to
feed an elephant In Kngland. It prob
ably coat more than that to aee one In
Jxmdon, however.
The Went and Northweat, aaya the
Ioulvlll Courier Journal, are now
lending every other part of the I'nlted
Mute In real prosperity, and there la
no one to grudge them their good for
tune. The New York customs Inspectors ob
ject to kissing by relative and lovera
on the pi em before the baggage of In
coming passengers la eiamlned, on the
ground that It taken time. Well, kiss
lug ought to.
The recent marriage of a titled Kn
giishwoman to an Indian prince aliould
prove a notice to American heiresses
thnt there are new world for them to
conquer ir, perhaMi It would le more
correct to any, old world titles for thein
to win.
Kngland and the I'nlted Hlatea once
differed gravely aa to the "right of
search." The gift of a vessel by an
F.ngllshmiin fur use In Mr. IVary'a ex
pedition ahowa that perfect harmony
now exists nMpcctliig the right. If tho
object of search In tho north pole.
It la humiliating to the national pride
to learn that for every I'nlted Hlatea
ship that passed through the Huei Ca
nal during the flrat all montha of 1H!7
there were eighteen Jaimncse and two
Chinese ship. The numlMra were:
Japan elghteeu, China two, ami the
I'liltcd Slu ten one.
The fact thnt a Hu-lun aurgeon haa
sticccossfully remove, the stomach of
one of hit Mitlenta ahould not unduly
incourage olhera to try thl exerl
ineiit. If noma scheme could le devised
to Iny aside the atomach for a few day
at a time, however, no one would se
rioiiNly object to It.
Over 1,(V pollcemeu lu Cblcugo, In
reply to civil service questions, swore
that they never touched liquor. One In
tioccnt blueciNit declared, aa to hla
lienllh, Hint he huil mii'e had the
li i can lex, but didn't know how many of
thi'iii there were. Heelug that "the good
die young," It la a marvel how these
Innocent fellows manage to keep to
veil preserved.
There la uotlilng more dlNugreeuhle
In n young icrou than an attempt to
"put on aim," to order other people
libout, to apeak w ith a half hidden Itn-
puiieni-e ui ouier people lo allow no
deference, no riwpcvt. Such behavior
springs either from sclltshm-s or van
ity, ami It would lie ridiculous If It were
not Mid to ace a young person behaving
In no foolish a manner.
What It menu to a man to come home
at night to a cheerful wife no one but
he who ha hud to light lu the hard
battle of life know. If he la prosper
oiin. It la iiii added Joy; but It I lu ml
fortune that It shine like a atar In the
darkness. A complaining wife can kill
the biNt bit of hoe and courage lu a
aorely troubled heart, while a cheerful
one glvca new courage to Ix-gln the
fight over Hgnlii.
A few persons have done a profitable
business In tree planting In thla coun
try, but thla occupation will prohuhty
not lie followed by Individual, aa the
time required for tree to mature I to.i
long. lioviM-nment do not die like In
dividual, and for thla renson certain
economic Industrie are more suitable,
for government to control than for In
dividual to undertake. Tree planting
I one of the businesses which we le
lleve the government can prosecute
more suecoesfully than can any private
Individual or corporation.
Ah! If more American could learn
bow to fool -to fool w indy- that l, hi
lariously. Then fewer of them would
need to get drunk and smash plate
gla window. A lively cH-r In the
home I nil electric wire thnt ciiitIck off
no end of care. depression or III temper.
For, depend Upon It, every nature will
have It fling, and must have It. The
only question of what kind of n
fling. There I the fling Into bitterness
of speech, Into despondency, into ant
ride, and there I the fling Into merri
ment and emancipation from the strait
jacket of Mr, Uruudy aud all her
work a.
The war reinlulsiviicea of the Into
Charles A. liana establish a fact that
every hisou to whom profanity I au
offence will Ik- glad to hear. .Mr. Iaim
aaw much of tleneral tJratit during tho
most peiplexliig period of the civil war,
ud he nuw assert thnt he never henrd
the gre.it 1'nlou lender utter a profane
word. Mr. Dunn hlmelf wa for many
yenia a tlrolcs worker In a Odd lu
which profanity I comiuou. Kverv
man who enjoyed the privilege ef
working uear liliu will teellfy that In
the luiditt of the exacting requirement
of til dutle Mr. Dana wn guiltless of
tho alu and vulgarity of profanity.
A general observation It way be
aid a gentleman lounge aud loafer
loaf, n ahnde of distinction, however,
not alwaya observable, a there I usu
ally a- noticeable tendency on the p-irt
i
j
Of the lounger to becouic inert luafcr.
Hence the need of dlnciimlnat'oa on
the part of those who engage In either
of these pleaitlug but unprofitable aro
ration. eeclally lu the cae of those
whoe churncterlstics are In process of
formation. The rector of tho 1'iilversl
ty of Vienna, at leant, seem to be duly
luiprcH-w-d with the Iniportunce of rog-i-latlng
even lounging, n shown In the
following edict recently published for
the tteneflt of the (Undent In the An
trlan capital: "For the university year
of 1H!7 H the bumniel, or lounging, will
lie sanctioned under the following eon
dltlona: It iinit le practiced on Hat
urday only and between the hour of
11 ami 12 a. in., lu the An-adenhof. For
changing tho hour or prolonging the
period of the aforesaid lounging a !
rial permission must lie obtained from
the rector. Ktudenta not attached to
the university are not allowel to pnr
tlclpato In It. Thla pcrmlMHlon I grant
ed on the understanding that all cor
poration of students taking part In the
Mine ahall avoid any action tending to
create a disturbance or cause annoy-nm-e
In public place." To suppose that
the lounger, whether student or other
wise, would engage In action tending
to dlMtiirbanco or annoyance In public
place would be to do violence to the
II me-honored tradition of lounging.
Tho students, however, mny be sup
posed to be only amateur In this ele
gant art and the rector of the t'nlver-
slty of Vienna I wise, therefore, In
guarding against the first approaches
toward loafing. Hut to lounge by rule
and on one eclflel hour of the week
that must be a peculiarly Austrian no
Hon.
A writer In the Arena uiiikea the ven-
orable Lafayette say In IKIS. from tho
iMilcony of an old house, atlll standing
at the corner of I'ark and Heai-on
at reels, lu IIonIoii, "Where are your
poor? Where are your ioor? In thl
assembly I see them nit. Why have
they uot come also? Then some one
In the crowd replied, "We are all here.
rich and poor together." Mut with true
French gallantry the venerable French
man responds! : "No; the oor are not
here. They are not anywhere In Amer
ica. They are In Kurope." l'oii the
bnsl of thl little ai-cne the writer re
mark: "And that make the difference
between an assembly of free men In
IK'j.t ami an aseuibly of Inchoate pau
per In lw7." In a native ti'.be of bar
Isirlans there are no ioor and no rich.
In the tribal stage of civilization mem-lM-m
of the trllM- all share alike hence
there la no istverty. Hut It doce not
quite follow thnt Hit I the most desir
able condition of existence. There are
very few men living who can remember
how au average crowd on the streets of
Iloston looked lu 1N-.V That they look
ed better fed, lietter drcsseO, or carried
more change In their x kets, few be
lieve. That there wn more equality
I due partly to the more elementary
character of trade Mid Industry. It I
always so, from the original tribe up
to the most complex civilization. Hut
It I thcNO complex condition that call
out tho display of philanthropy that
we aee on I hauksglvliig day ami In the
holiday season. In saying that there
were no oor lu Itontoti lu lMI.I (If hi!
said Itl, l.ufayctte wa bound to Im
polite, but we all know better. lue
iinillly Ilicit-iiMfN a Hoelcty advancca
from the elementary to the complex
And no dm philanthropy, llut be
cause of thl are we prepared to return
to the original trllsil condition? Hani
ly. It I III the effort to remove lne
quality and ameliorate It effect t hat
should engage every good citizen, that
the whole moral nature of the com
munity I advanced with the Increase
of It material wealth.
A llnine-tlrowii Kipcrlencn.
A man went Into au Icehouse to cool
off.
An abrupt and Impetuous hired man
closed aud locked tho door and went
away. The next day was Sunday ami
the hired man did not come back
While the man who ycnriicd to cool
off waited for the return of the hired
man Ills object wn accomplished In n
very thorough manner. He cooled off
1 lie imitllisl door gave back but
echoes to hla blow, and hi voice could
find no place to escape and sound X'mt
alarm.
When he grew tired of walking and
awlnglng hi arm to keep warm the
chunk of Ice that were piled nroiui l
him did not offer a tempting lied. Hun
ger gnawed at hi vitals and refused to
le satisfied with diet of raw air. Inrk
ne settled down like a nix mouths'
Arctic night, and the only sound which
broke the profound stillness was the
mil u who wanted to cool off trying to
a wear.
The hired man oietied the door on
Mommy morning, and the mail who
wanted to cool off crawled out more
dead than alive.
When hi tongue Imd thawed out he
bcgiui to abuse the hln-d man.
"Fool:" retorted the hln-d. man.
Fool, you are a lucky dog and do not
know It, 1'on't waste your time lu
busing me, your lienefuctor, but go
and write a Ixiok of Impressions on
Alaska."
Theu tho man who wanted to cool off
haw that hi fortune wu made. Chi
cago ltecord.
No (lymnasllca In Norway.
Walking, climbing and ski rimn iu;
tuny have lu Chrlntlanla, the capital l
Norway, with skating and const. i-g
but gymnasium athletics are practical
ly nonexistent. There are probably
not more thau a half dozen pali -i ol
Isixlng glove In I'lirlstlanln. There
nre no running matches, no Jumping,
few crow, no wrcstUug, no cricket,
foot ball or tennis, no teaching of the
"manly nrt of elf defense," The boy
fight like little demons, and one would
think they would aspire to do so c,u
tlftVnlly. At oue of the largo Imv'
achool It I purt or the unwritten law
tof the pupils) thnt the classes first out
of the building aliall at time congregate
lu one corner of the great brick walled
courtyard, wheuce It shall be the duty
and pleasure of the remainder of the
school to whack them forth with utren
nous application of fiata and head.
The best lolhlw realstauce la made
.- great mauy eyea are blackened and
some few teeth dislodged, but alt en
tialtle are received amicably (after
ward) aud all prowess duly accredited
I'rlvate quarrel are promptly et;nd,
not In the achool product, but In the
receaaea ol tha palace iark. when.
riug la formed, aeconda chosen and all '
proceeding conducted In proir order. !
Hoetoo Uiobe,
THE BAEY'S NAME.
"Mordaunt," she called him. In a novel
book
III mother found the Dime she gave to
him;
t didn't like It, fer I'd kinder took
A eort of notion favor'ble to "Jim."
But when die looked up at me from the
bed.
Ilnlf dead, but buiipy, an' he ald: "I
want
That you shall name him, after all," I
sld:
"Why, blnine It all, of course It I Mor
dauut.
She knew the way I felt about audi
names,
An' (hit thl wa a lar-rificc, fer he
Had often beard uie say that honest
"James"
Ilnd Just about the prner ring fer me;
Hut though 'twaa tlisapp intmi-ut, still I
IhoiiKlit
Hlu- was the one that had the right to
choose,
An' I -there wasn't any question ought
'Jo reconcile my wishes to her view.
He wa no delicate o teeny small.
llut smarter tiinn the cracker of a whip
I don't believe he ever cried at all
Homeiiiiiea he'd pucker up bis little lip
An look at you until you was ashamed
I if all the aina yoil knew he knew you'd
done;
I often thoiiKht he grieved becauae we'd
ns med
Hy such a mime a helpless little one,
Au' thinking that, when we two was
alone,
I called him by the name I liked so well;
Hi mother nould 'a grieved if she'd 'a
known,
Hut neither Jim nor me would ever tell.
We never told. He'd laugh and crow to
hear
Me whiiierlir so happ'ly to him;
"Yer Ilium-' Morilaunt, old boy, when
mother's near;
Hut vthen there' only me about, It's
Jim."
We never told our little secret, and
We liever will we never, never will;
Somewhere off yonder, lu a flow'ry ImiicI
A little hull)'' toildliu', toddlili' still,
A-seckiii in die sunshine all alone
The I ,inl thiil give au' then that sent fer
alm-
Morduuiit's the mime curved on the lit t to
atone,
Hut In my heart the name I always
Jim.
-Chicago ltecord.
THE TWO MORTONS.
Holly Is the most maddening, tnn
tnllxlug, perverse ami charming I
might us well uduilt It; you'd soon have
found It out -young woman of my ac
quaintance. I've la-eu lu love with her
for five years, and It' a wonder my
h.-ilr Isn't while; sometimes I think It
Is turning gray; but when I Mke to
Holly nlmut It she said I was not to
bother; I was old enough to In- gray,
anyway. aW. that' where Holly hurt,
and sin- knows It; for I am fifteen
year older than she Is, and when that
willful young woman wishes to Im- par
ticularly cruel she treat me with re
spect.
I know that among my friends I am
considered to have fairly good kciihc;
I v'iu talk rationally on most subjects
and I stand well enough In my profes
sion, nt least enabling me to keep my
head above water. Hut when I'm with
Holly, or In her presence, I'm nn nsd, a
driveling, foolish ass. A lunatic from
an asylum would be a brilliant con
vcrs.-illonallst compared (o me. And
nlas: Holly kuo that. Phi, ami she
torment me mid makes life nn uuut
terable burden to me. I Murt to make
a sensible remark, when suddenly I
meet Holly' eye; then I Htumble and
my the wrong thing, and she will re
mark, "Ho you really think that)" with
such a wicked look III her Ix-nutlful
blue eyes, while I don't think nt all,
but have Just said It. Aud so It goes
on until I wonder sometimes if I am
qtllio right. When we go to dance I
any we, for I'm always there If I know
ehc Is going -things arc u little worse
than usual, for Holly dances past me
Willi cads of men, and I stand about the
wall watching her. Hhe never will give
but two dunces to me, no I have noth
lug to do lu the meantime but watch
her.
line night I was desperate. I had
sent her violets ns usual-she Is pnr-
tlcu.iirly fond of llit-ni, ami most of my
money goes that way. Sometimes she
wear them, ami often carries them,
but this night they were now here to be
seen, and lu her hand was one largo
red rose. 1 went up to her; appearing
to he sorry to aee me was the partlcu
lar form or torture which commended
Itseir to her on this osncelal tilirht
"You hcii-:" she said, lining her eye
brows In astonishment and without a
mile; all put on, of course, because I
uin always where she Is.
O, no, I'm not here; I'm somew here
else," I said, wittily.
She laugln-d Immoderately.
louie-so-runny, she remarked.
cnoking.
Yes," said I, severely, " suppose I
nm funny, very funny. Hut where are
my violets?"
"Why, had you-nny violets?" said
she. "1 didn't know-how- shonltl 1
know?" She said It seriously, put
there was a look In her eyes that I was
Us. si to; I d liae liked to shake her.
Holly, you know exactly want I
mean: w here are my violet?"
If you mean the violets you aent
me, she replied, with illgnltv. "I un
derstood that artcr they left you they
bclongis.! to me; do you want them
back?" This freexlngly.
Oh, Holly," I said, reduced once
more to my usual condition of aslulnltr,
'I illdii t mean It, denr; 1 don't want
the d - I beg your pardon; or course, I
don't want them; I only wanted you to
wear them or carry them, you kuow.
darling."
Hut she saw that she had the Wst of
me. so she carried tb.ngs with a high
hand.
"The ne was sent me by a friend"
ahe hesitated -"and 1 suppose I have a
right to wear what I please. Hut sit
down; don't stand so long; you'll tie
tired"' This wn nn nlluslou to my
age. nud It mnddcucd me.
"Yon nre exceedingly jdor I Mid.
turning nwny and leaving her.
It was the most severe speech I had
ever made to 1 Hilly, and 1 suffered at
the thought of It. For four day I
didn't go near her or aeud her violet
once. It waa an awful four day; I
neither slept nor ate. but Just reviled
myself a a fool for becoming earning
er from the only woman In the world.
In my despair I even went o far a to
Ukt Jane Hunt to a dance where
waa aure to aee ua, aud ahe did. Apd
w-ben I paased her ahe looked over my
bead with ber small nose In the air
I wlhed Ml Hunt wa In-well,
somewhere else thut I might rush ove
to Holly, throw myaelf at her feet
and kiss them: Yea. I acknowledge
thnt I have often wished thnt.
Finally I wrote her. fully conscious
that It wu a very llly letter, wherein
I told ber I wa uearly angry at my
aelf for not knowing ahe cared for red
rose, and I sent three dozen. The au
awer I received wa characteristic:
"You are a silly old goose, and If you
had only waited until 1 finished what
waa uylng you would have discovered
that you aent the rose yourself with
the violet. I don't care at ull for reu
rosea."
By which token I learn.sl, not that
Holly wa repentant, but that her vio
let hud fuded, and she wanted more
Ho I aeut them, buudred of them
hoping that willful aud fascinating
young woman would be appeased.
Hut the grenteat of my nilsfortuui-
haa not yet been set dow n. There wu
another young man, an acquaintance
and admirer of Holly's, with exactly
the same name ns myself-Ulchurd
Morton. I. of course, had tuken
huge dislike to him; In fact, I hated
hi in (for Holly once reiuurki-d that he
wa a nice fellow i, and I don't think
be bad an extraordinary affectlou for
me. We were not related; I wa glud
of that. A few day after I hud been
uch a cud lo Holly I culled upon her,
and, heaven favoring uie, I found her
alone.
"Holly, dearest." I began; "I nm ao
aorry "
"Hon't," ahe said; "that Incident
I
closed. There are o mnuy ulcer thing
to talk ulniut. June Hunt, for lu
stance."
I Hhivcred; I was about to be pun
Islied.
"1 he nicer?" said I.
"What do you reully think of her'"
Raid Holly, with rather on anxious look
I thought; but, of course, I wu mis
taken.
"), hc a a very good girl, very
good," w ith u desperate desire to miike
Holly Jeulou If 1 could, which
couldn't.
"I ahe?" Holly tossed her head.
Well, Mr. Morton, do you want to
know what I think she look like''
Tho "Mr. Morton" waa ominous,
ahlvcrcd again.
I can't Imagine," said I, lightly,
thinking how very pretty Holly was
with that pink spot In each cheek.
1 think she look like n cook!" ahe
declared, triumphantly, while I, lu
wurdly agreeing, protested.
"O, Holly, u cook!"
"Yes," ahe went on spitefully, "uud
not even like a good cook!"
Holly! Not like a bad cook Y'
les, slie went ou, like a very poor
cook.'
I was obliged to laugh; I couldn't
help It.
Splendid wife she'd mnke!" said I,
uot meaning to rouse Holly.
Hut suddenly she turned and said the
most terrible thing to me thut she'd
ever said since I'd known her.
Theu you'd better marry her."' This
from Holly!
t:" I began, but she was gone, and
there wn nothing for me to do but to
pick up my hut aud go, which I did.
calling myself a In-ast and a brute as
I went.
That night when leaving the theater
we happened to meet n moment. She
was radiant mid scornful.
Holly," I mild, resolving not to no
tice the contretemps of the afternoon,
with whom nre you going to dance
tho cotillon at the Terry's to-morrow
night V"
With Mr. Morton," tdie answered,
aweetly.
"Whnt a dear you are! I was nrrald
you d promise somebody else."
And then ahe laughed.
"With tho plouxunt, ngrccnhlo Mr.
Morton," she continued, --who never
says the wrong thing."
Ami then I knew she meant the other
one: 1 in nrnild I said a bad -word;
her mocking laugh followed me in the
darkness, ami echoed In my dreams
that night. I wished 1 had never seen
her and took It back Immcdlntclv.
debated a long time within myself
whether or not I should go to rhe Ter
ry's , Put, ns usual, ended by going. I
could dance stag and take Holly out,
nud -lovely Idea perluips she would
take me out! Then us I thomrht of the
way I hail left her the night before
this beautiful hope faded. What would
she want with a brute like me?
1 never saw her look better than that
night at the Terry r' dance; she wiiji In
white, which lst became her, ami she
seemed to ineTIke nil angel. And thnt
fellow Morton looked prettv well too
I had to admit to myself that he was
rather a well-appearing chap.
Mrs. Floyd-lKqiklus, w ho aspires to
lie something of a belle herself, stood
for n moment and followed the direc
tion of my glance.
"Miss Hulrymple Is looking particu
larly well this evening." hu sald-a
very gracious speech, Indts-d, ror her.
ery!" I replied, having sens,.
enough left uot to discuss Holly with a
woman.
Hut what nn awful flirt:" she went
on. this left me gasping. "Ami en-
gaged, 1 understand, to Mr. Morton all
the time."
Who said It?" I asked. Invirsdr.
Holly engaged -ami to that end -w ith
my name.
"Oh. everybody snys so." and then
ahe looked nt me with such tin unpleas
ant smile. "That's your name, too.
Isn't It?"
Yen. I believe It Is." I said, brilliant.
ly. moving away from her.
Holly engaged: I couldn't ernsn the
full significance of It: the thvueht left
me daied and lewlldered. Thl very
night should decide It. I would go to
her and ask ir there were any truth In
It. Just then she came toward me ns
ir she were go'-g to take me out, but
something lu my f.,oe UiUst have stop
ped her.
What I the matter? she asked.
turning a little white.
iHilly." I said, sternly, "will you give
me the first twe dauce after supper?"
or course, ir you waut them; but
won't you dance now?" I never saw
IHilly so meek before.
No," I answered, almoet roughlv.
"not now." She left me with a stranne
look on ber sweet face.
It seemed centurlea until supper: I
tried to think of what 1 should say to
her, but my mind was lo such a cha
otic state that I decided to depend on
the Inspiration tit the moment
At last supper was over, and I found
ber, tucked her arm In mine, and
marching off to a quiet nook, pu ber
In the only seat, and stood accusingly
before ber. , . ,
"Holly," I 1- irati. 8t n,e; . T ,
she did. .little timidly, I thought, nnd
I olniost forgot what I was going to
say In the Joy of looking at her.
-My darling." 1 went on. I bine
loved you so long, so well, and bol
that in the course of years you mihUt
come to care"-he dropped her eyes;
Just then I remembered that horrible
eossl,-"but to-night. Holly. I heard
something that turned my hu.'t to
stone."
"What wn It?" she asked. (
"Thut you were engaged to
-Who'" breathlessly.
"Morton," I gasped; "that wretched,
caddish "
Stop!" she said, with dignity.
"Tell nit you shall"' I grasped her
wrist. I It so?"
If It had lM-cn any woman In the
world but Holly I should have said sho
was embarrassed. She actually muu
ed. "No," she suld, slowly; "It Is not so;
m,t " Her hands went up and cov
ered her face. Heaven: suppose sue
should cry!
"Hut what?" I Insisted, crm-iij .
"you're not engaged to him, but you're
In love with hlmV" She took her ha. Is
wnv, and tier nice was ei.,
had not been such a serious moment I
should have said she had been hiugh-
Mr. Morton has-never-nsueu me io
bo his w ife: If he does- I shall "
I was Im-sIiIc myself.
"And If he does''' I hissed.
' I shall say ycs"-very softly. A ter
rible silence ensued; the earin was
sinking Is ne.-ith my feet.
You love this Mr. Morton.' 1 iiski-u,
sharply.
And then the very queerest tiling in
the world happened, noiiy s i.-ice i
whitened a little us she rose and put
out her hand.
Yes, you old goose," she said, "I
love this Mr. Morton."
It didn't take me long to gather
Holly Into my ninis. lhe next live
minutes aro uot to appear in tills nar
rative.
Holly," said I, blissfully, "did yoil
over kuow such a stupid old fool ns I
am?"
"Never In all my life," said the sweet
est of girls, her voice coming from the
vicinity of my coat collar.
And do you suppose that woman
meant me when she told me that gos
sip, my darling?"
"Of course she did, said the voice,
nml I'm glad she said It; I don't be
lieve you'd ever have nsked otherwise."
My answer would uot look well on
paper.
Ho you kuow, Hick, that you never
have nsked me Ix-foro?"
Ami wheu 1 en me to think of It I
never had. "The Folks at Home."
HER ULTIMATUM.
The
Lundludy Deliver It to the Hu
morous Hoarder
"Mr. Crlnsmlth," begun tin- landlady.
Icily, addressing the humorous boarder.
'I very much dislike to say anything
that may hurt your feelings "
(h, don't mind me, Mrs. Ilashnver!"
Interrupted the young man, cheerily.
1 have beeii iMiardlng for four years.
and my feelings are entirely ossltled."
It Is my desire," proceeded the land
lady, with studied calmness, "to keep
my Imurders us long as I can, but "
"I don't know that you really keep
in any longer than common people,''
ngaln Interjected Urlnsmlth, "but you
keep 'em so thin that they certainly
look longer."
"Thnt will do, Mr. t. Tinsmith:" an
swered Mrs. Ilashover, sternly. "What
was about to say was that It Is mv
wish to preserve iiiiilcuble relations
with nil my boarders, but there Is a
point where forbearance ceases to be
virtue. 1 have endured In silence
your alleged witticisms on the viands
and listened to them more In sorrow
than In anger, but there Is an end to all
things. And. Mr. Urlnsinlth. ir von
-pent your performance of this morn
ing and again give an Idiotic imitation
or Hypnotizing the butter. I shall bo
ced to request you to pav more
per week for your Imard or else seek
another place of residence. This Is mv
ultimatum, Mr. Crlnsmlth: nlens.. v.
n yourself accordingly. I have spok-i!"-New
York World.
Curious Hussian Keel.
A curious sect in ltussla Is that
known us the Runners, because Its
members run away like a sick animal
to some lonely spot to die when disease
overtakes them. Another Is known as
the Itiumer Stnotherers. When any
member of this extraordinary sect Is
seized with n mortal or su'pposedl,
mortal Illness. Instead of being ullowell
to run off to die he Is put out or the
world by n woman whose title is the
sniotherer. The ceremony Is, for safe
ty's sake, generally performed, not In
the victim's house, but In the common
praying room, a secret room conveni
ently situated to escape the prvlng eye
or authority, nnd provided with mi
merous exits In case or a surprise
bile psulms are sung and the censer
swung, the old woman who usuallv
holds the honorable office or smothere'r
performs her task with n small cushion
held over the sick person's nose, and
mouth, the Uvly Mng afterward se
cretly burled In some remote po
whlther it Is conveyed under a load ot
some Inuocent matter, such ns hav -New
York Tribune.
A Chapter or Hua.l. HiHtorj
Here Is a little bit ci Itusslan history
that Is not told lu the school Wks ,!
Is not generally known. When Oath
erlne 11. met her husband, lVter ill
for the first time his ugliness caused
her to faint. It was only her ambi
tion to become cxnrlna thnt enabled her
to go through with the wedding cere
mony. The terrible consequences were
Inevitable. Catherlue forced IVter to
Irtleate In her favor, after which she
murdered him. Hut before these events
had taken place Catherine had tuken
111, n-lll. B..I.... - . '"lU
...... x.vru, r-WUhOIT. Wll.i
doubtless ilw. f,.ih, ,s ,. ... .
i. .bo soccer r;:tr ;
u,eV l
'
When a m.n t. - .
ho rock pile; when a woman I 1
loafer, she I put l0 society.
When a woman chase. . ..
make, him think he I. , dal.v an
cauca him to look higher.
HUMOR OF TflE WEEK
6T0R.ES TOLD BY FUNNY MEN
OF THE PRESS.
Odd, Cdou. and L.ugh.bl. Pb.
... Graphically Tor-
,r,db,K.u."ordAr ... of
Our Own U,-A Buugc. o.
"WlmtWoot now?" nslanl the snake
editor, a the horse reporter pr.K-ee, ed
'0 do his hat nnd coat after irtiswerlng
a telephone cull.
Twelve Inches, same ns nlwnys, re
plied th rsc reporter, a be dashed
down the stair three steps at a time.
An Fuy Met boil.
I'.llson-Tl.ut new cook of your I a
vcy handsome woman, Isn't she?
Jllson-Yot. bet she I. Why. all she
Inn to do Is to smile at the potatoes nnd
they are mashed.
A 1'rcssliig Invitation,
She said he wa a gr. at big bear,
And be it to his credit,
lie hm-iP-d her awfully then and there,
Aud she was glad she said it.
Very Appropriate.
Hlxoii-r.lowctt, the pugilist, Is to
star In u new play.
IUxon-So! Whufa the name of It?
Ilixon "Niiturnl ius."
I It-twee-ii Two Lover.
lie is not jciiliuis of his wife.
Although he knows the elf
Hoes fondly love another
For the other is herself.
A I'rmid Father. ,
"It Is perfectly natural thut parents
should be proud of their children," said
the conductor, lifter he hud finished
taking up the tickets, "but that mun In
the rear car Is entitled to the champion
ship medal."
"What's the mutter with him?" nsked
the brak an.
"Why." replied the conductor, "he's
so proud of that li-iuoiiths-old lioy of
his that hi- Insisted on paying full fure
for him."
ICxpcricnce aa a Teacher.
"Johnnie," suld his father, "I'm sur
prised to hear thnt yoil have dared to
dispute with your mother."
"lint sir wns wrong, pa," replied
Johnnie.
"That bus nothing to do with It,"
said the old niiiti; "you might Just ns
well proilt by my experience and learn
DIDN'T WANT TO
Rase Villain (on the slnge)-
Ha, ha,
nslecp. Nothing but
i nolo .cu iwiio Is attending his
out. 1 knowed that darned fool would
once for all. that when a woman says
a thing is so, it is so, whether it Is 'so
or not."
Prominent.
"How Is It, colonel, that the people
engaged lu those shooting affrays In
your section nre always mentioned ns
'belonging to prominent families?' "
"Hy gad, sah, it takes good shoot In'
nnd willingness to engage In It to make
n family prominent, sah."-Imllannp-olis
Joii'-nal.
It Mutle Him Crny.
The Milliner--What did your husband
think of thnt $:!( hut I made for you
llist week?
Mrs. Ilelghfly-Oh, he Just raved over
lt-whcu I told him the price.
Culled Down.
noctor-Thls Is the first complaint I
nave had from n patient.
Visitor I can believe that; the other,
dldn t even get a chauce to complain
-Chicago Inter Ocean.
He llietl Too Soon.
"I was reading soiuewhera tho
d- aliout an artist who used to paint
cherries whiei, looko1 80 nntunU
the birds would come to pick at them "
make if he were up lu the Klondike
country now."
I'roof.
rtT,V.,,3r,,1 ?,u ,l,,,lk "' "'roefcsl.M
rich as he claims to be?"
"Hccause I saw hltn eating a 20-cent
lunch yesterday and ,le ui.Tu't tr, ?J
hide the waUer's check. Only a man
'.osepositrntiismtpregnal do could af
ford to take stub a chance as that
The Spring Wo Mlaainir
Gwt-IIeixN wai,; I, h0Uutl,nM
... T - ",c u "Pnujr chicken?
8a,,: d;us 1
T-;. .f u ,, ,t must hftve
Dceu hatched fen... .. ... . ,,e
iiaiu-uoiieu egg.
It' Constitutional
I. .W0IH!w lf ,1"- "on. Mary
eat lu Congress?
- . ...-uo n 111
ever occupy a
Jy- rare, ,0
I . ' "u 1,1 "e seats In u,e cal. "
I are reserved for ladies. 5 ' ry
Wl Beyond III Ye.,.
Teacher (In geography clasai-jot
Die, bow Is the earth divided?
Johnnie (who reoda the for-lBn
-Hon't know; I bnveu't n ad the J11
this wonting. v 1w"
I'roof l'oltlve, '
Henler-Xow, there is a parrot th.,
la n genuine society bird.
Customer What do you Ul(,. .
that? " "
ucnier ii always talk when
ono begin to sing.
A Mean Insinuation.
Miss Autumn-I tried to get Mr n.
Atibi-r to paint my portrait, but bin?
fused. Said lie wn loo busy,
Mlsa Young-Oli, I gu. s that
only bluff. He told me tuu 0,.M
evening that he Dover copied old pal,?
lug.
Aakliiu I'jpa,
. .- .i.
Society Item: A well known En
Huh lord I now In America with t!
Intention of taking back an Araerlcti
heiress. Collier's Weekly.
Generous Girl I
Little Fred Mamma says slie'iT
way glad to have you come to iJ
lio'ise.
Mr. Jenkins Indeed! Then rout
mamma likes me, doe she?
Little Fred I don't know aliout that
but sister Mil freil nlwnys dlvvlei up
with the bonbons that you bring ber.
A Mean TrUk. '
Cliolly Aw, sny, old chappie, nienui
tells tne I was beastly dwunk lawn
night, (lonelier know.
Ha wold Why, Cliolly, me ih-nti bo;,
I ni-vali knew you dwunk anythU;
stownger than sodali.
Cliolly Hah Jove, I nevnh do. lf
BE A WITNESS.
h-a! There lies mo lintotl rival fast
can satisfy me halo.
Hi-st tlienteri-Cosh! Mamlv, le's git
raise trouble Detroit Free I'm.
man thinks some howld fellah mixed
me chcwlng-guni. Iteastly twick.
doncliei- thing?
HI Normul Condition.
Smith I wns rending in the p-ipor
this morning nbotit n Texas mail who
was struck by llghliilng while lie vu
swearing. Kcmarkablu occurreDtf,
wasn't It?
Hrowii-Oh, I don't know. If light
nlng wns to strike a Texas man wbra
ho wasn't swearing It would be niucb
more remarkable.
A Scientific Mistake.
They sny that space is limitless,
Hut "they" ure wrong, alack!
As the poet knows, whose iitillmrst ll
For luck of space scut back.
Halm.
She fell upon the Icy walk;
Ho rushed unto ner side.
"And are you hurt, fuir maid? t lie
Solicitously cried. i
She took his hand und rose, uud theu ' I
Forgot her pain, for he
Had taken her to be a maid
And she was 33!
A Home Thrust.
"No," said the rich old bachelor, 1
never could And time to marry."
"Well," replied tluj young woman,
w ith the sharp tongue, "1 nm not ur
prised to hear you suy so. It ccrt.-ilM
would have taken a good while to ryr
sonde any girl to have you."
Soot Aid Cultivation.
Large pieces of old sod form the Tery
best winter protective material when
ohtulimlilx TIiiiio l,..ni...l mIkHU t!
roses will protect the most tender fro
severe freezing, and they come out I"
the spring n splendid order. It l J"'
ns good used nlioiit nny other !':llt
hardy plant. Soot froiq the kltcu'"
chimney, especially from a '' ict"
is Invaluable In cultivation of ilnw1
Hlch In ninnioiila It stimulates at"1
deepens the color of (lowers. Fsed '
nu lusectlolde It Is equally effective W
destroying and removing the ed
account of the creosote contained "
Soot from hard coal exclusive!' I 4
less value, still It is worth savlnf-"
Vlck'a Magazine.
It Would Seem Ho.
Tluikins Christmas must have be0"
busy time for the pawnbroker.
Slmkins-Why so? ,
Tlniklns-Hecause so many I0!"
hung up their stockings about tM
time.
The man with plenty of p'J"U ' "
oally successful, but he bu't In It lla
the man who has a pull
I'eople like to listen jo advice ouV
wben It conOrma their own opinion-
kT '"