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About The Eugene City guard. (Eugene City, Or.) 1870-1899 | View Entire Issue (Aug. 7, 1897)
""Will. lib. . " 75 tan. ,ori,t 'lOW.7 "to J WW. ' ".tin 0 to,k .. fteilUi r i. u its He hn J oft!t Who nitron,,, j 1 lirtyl nil ii jt o uteir,i I CM J tMoUt. Hetiai , in tl j whidj "8 a trj J I Ml loU: eJ. al lposed ((I i per t: J braiqj tmJm' old.! Hksli been a. j lire 1-1 run it J on. Con I Kit Jl t cntw J ir h ' rJiirt'.j it tiff I (Oil! it H itr.W Jif el' tVH iieJt ' a' brt- ,ir wit reft4 IWS ! J i CAPTURED A RUNAWAY Wm . i.... in lxfi turned 1:1!' : ; i live n' " . i lwillo Hull. ill of till Puinm-i" Za shops "' of tw blB U'r" , that road on the Pm-lllc I four of the lurtfi-Ht cousolldutcd W1glllrS III UK.-. designed es.0- I ror mountain work, whose phuis ....ill.iitioiis were drawn by prol L. onlv holy expert mechanical ,,r U 'America. If not In the I Hon- she uttnlncu hiT present B Is one of the railroad legends eroad for which she works, but I Ite the story lias never weu iu tamluT of years ngo, nlwnt fifteen eve. some lucky prospectors io - uilnin;; claims nway up In the ,t unvsliilo lonrcsscs oi rare , niinintiiln ranges of the Went W lutioiii' iial riches of the lead i .1... l...iitif nvtuitun llf lulile train mm n u f Hie output to the railroad, uiwllj- the prosperity of the llrst iiriow hioiicht other ndventur ,.ris to the lui-ky npt and later 'i nynillcali' bought out all the yrchiims mi the ledce and estal . i!ii'iv the pvat mills and Miiel 4 the Calumet Milling and Snielt- i.'oniiany. ,n the Southern . raelllc peoite .rind to the Importanee of the eti ite, and after a nerles of coiimuI as with tne K.vndlcate In the course vlilili a very hanilsouie llimiiclal I niiou was made ly the niiuers, n L'li road as surveyed up throuKh ,anons to the site of the now rap I frowhiK town. The dlttleultles aluiost insiirmouniauie, out in tbe work was done nud a very ail aud dangerous piece of track , til k ik r.sult. Its grades were pre- s.ius In the extreme; Its curves -i to the last degree, and Its road siuarrow In some places that If il became deruiled It was either de fied npilnst tne rock wnll on one lor rent to the bottom of the gorge ! other, there to lie nud rot and ra;rJ I away. (.Mice over tne chit me cosi rsiilw: an ore car would nluiost for a new one. nnd the company ui made any effort to retpver the tape. T nt Kiiut on the short road had al- ,u been drenued by the tralumen, tills was the sharp curve nt the Jruai'li to what wus called the sec k crossing. It had been n proline oeof wrecks and the rocks below ki(lj.e were strewn with the bro tlmlK i's anil lient nnd twisted Iron l of dozens of ore enrs that had s'cd over the sheer sides of the ! gorge. This second crossljis ;pas at the foot of the heaviest ItMiud from there the road wound iiyli the iM-autlt'ul Silver Creek J to the "Junction," where It Joln lif uiain line of the Southern l'u- i the j olnt where the level true aieneeil, hardly a stone's throw i the second crossing bridge, the lny had built n short siding for use of the giant consolidated en ' that was used to misli the limir !Mof ore cars up the mountain, and ' Itirots the iiuiln trneL- fi-Miii ili. n stood the little cottage where a Clarke, the' engineer, and his ,-litir, J.-ssle. lived. ssJissi,. nt that time was nearly ami for the Inst three years hail ii her father's hoiiMokei ller All lint ? she bail been Intlmntolv no,..ii..,l i Wlhoail men and for tli tin-en f :i that her father Im : the hig "pu.slier" she bad had no 'f eeiiipaiiion than the ol.l iiiirlnnii Mretaan and a llitlo l.eoilo... f I years ,(.r Junior. f'lier spare time she spent with her :eraKnit the engine, nnd had made "innisinsiie study until, nt HI. 'few Its ineeliniiism alsiut ns thor- 'ly US i,.r 1-l.nv. I,.,l-..,1 ..,!... ra,-t. It was her lHiast that she could fa tile eotisiillil.it.. no i .... lv" wo fcOOU US 1 Jiort tl,m. before the Incident hnp- 11 f Which I ilm i,lOTf . t.,11 v..ii Purist delayed by a wreck nt the' ".I'l st.ellt tll nt J'l. ...!...., ill" littlll ll..ll.b . ' uie day vm tit..u,,.,i i.i... ,h' I'im nlsiut the valley, and I irailuK he ha. Lrvn o ...,ik r i earthly possession, for with ;,"" ,,,'u1,1 see her father's engine I cr,'lt down llin innimlnlM rj'w ' he would arrive at J king stretches of road as It around the crags up the canon, irin! a mile In sight, then dlsup- Wr" nT'l ,he r,xk9 o,"y ? " "till further up the mountain. way, an ,ere!,tlng. gtU(,y for I tl i lnU for thM,e Ut,l ghiss-i- of nS l,,(,y'8 ptlcal knowl- fa. """If and her unurMl v h, i ",e """ern Tnclflc would It ml ?e wreck would have 4 'V IIVVS, 4'htn. .. rvl",nB Miss Clarke wns L ' '"fougb the field glnsses the iru J s,ln"ht ou the brilliant t umla,;!le far,,u-'t Plnt " f fcn 7 n' v' bfe the track could rt di., ,he V,,I,J ""d ";y -2,i?hm' cr father and l,U nn to the Junction for -man "Dd were t0 ifturu on I Utwk' , now "rly due. Her ilt h a hi f 'V'aytng fireman and knn,f unch of ns rub eug.ne. The twilight si'eme In the vaPey was only brokeu ny the klot.nl hiss of escuplng bteuni and fie steady, uionotonuus "pound" of the a'r l.iurp on the engine, w.ilci her father hail forgotten to shut oiT lie'cro he le't. Sr.e had Just noticed It mi 1 was about o go to the engine an 1 shut oir the Heptn, when, as she took one iast look, she wns almost para!yzed by the sight of n long train of or .-cars creeping nronnd the curve. Two or three of ti e liilsirers nt the mines were -111 on taem, Imt hand brakes would never stop that heavy train nud in it Jowly gained In speed she saw them leave the train. Then she thought of the little passenger train that would be there In a few minutes and In another moment she was climbing into the cab of the big engine nud telliug her little brother what to do. "Open the switch, Johnnie, nnd when I get out on the main track shut It nnd run down the track and ting numlior one. Tell dad I'm up the hill to catch a runnwny." Johnnie did ns he was told and the powerful engine rolled out of the sid ing, ncross the bridge nnd wus soon tearing up the hill at full speed toward the now rapidly approaching train. As she left the siding her one thought had lieen to snve the passenger train from nn nwful collision, but ns she crossed the bridge she thought of a little story her father hnd lately told of how he had once caught n runaway train with his engine nnd had stopped It lwfore It could do any damage. She would try It now despite the nwful danger. If "Daddy" could do It, she could. For nearly four miles up the hill the hit' engine fairly flew, then, ns she re iched a long stretch of straight trnck where the view wns clear for neurly a mile, she shut off the stenm nnd grad ually the locomotive stopped. Jessie looked up nt the stenm gauge. The pointer Indicated only 100 pounds SHE COULD SEE HER pressure. Keeping a close watch on tbe track ahead, the Intrepid girl left the throttle and. opening the fire box door, replenished the lire. Just as the hist scoopful of coal was thrown In and the door closed the runaway Bhot around the curve Into view, aud, start ing the engine back, the girl watched closely for a chance to catch the now rapidly moving trnlu. Down the heavy grade went engine nnd cars, the distance between them ripldlv growing shorter. On a little piece 'of straight trnck. a little over a mile from the dangerous bridge, Jes sie decided to take the last desperate cli.inc, and ns the engine reached the desired point, only a few feet ahead of the living ore cars, the girl gave the engine a light touch of the airbrake nnd then, with mighty Impact, the heavy train struck the engine, then the airbrake lever wns scut to the "emer gency notch," but so grent wns the speed ol the train thnt even that did hi t little to slacken the sjH-ed nnd that awful curve at the bridge was almost In kight. Jess'c thought almost lost tier nerve as si of that deadly place. She knew the lit tr ellL' lie WOUIU Iievr ...p. - . round It nt Its pres. nt rate of siecd Suddenly the escape ...: I.... t tut an. glne opeiiei id with a migniy rom, machine was the !.. I...1 I IIP IMIW I'll III n.l niilverlng under ST.'IIUI.I, ..,,.,, prusme of nearly l""!"'" "' - nml then a favorite axiom or nor i her's came to mind: "if air hold 'em. give 'em steam. (tne supreme eft on oi " rounir arms arid the reverse lecr oi ii, o lonck L-lnnt was thrown over, tne were oriened and wltn M.adv hand Jessie opened the throt tlu, throwing a niigniy - . . t ..... . . Intf h it 1 9m Now the weed of th tmin ..-.i l decreased, but the big locomotlte r-'.led and rocked like a thlp at tea as lo safely rounded the dangerous curve nud shot out on the high brldgu, nnd then came auother shock for the sonly tried girl, for standing In front of the cottage, almost hidden by a dense cloud of black smoke, stood the little passenger trnlu with Its loud of lU-Uspectlng travelers. Here again the girl's knowledge of railroad cruft cume to her, aud she knew that uo iH)w.r on earth could Hop that heuvy train lu time to avert a collision; tlt she coulJ to them, a brown ha lid reached for the w hlstle cord, and In a second more the deep valley wns resounding to the hoarse roar of the duplex whistle glv Ing three loud blasts-the railroaders' signal: "Hack up." The signal was Just In time, as the passeiiL'er train l.ii. L,.,l t u. ....... the big consolldator nnd Its string of ore cars rolled heavily by, the train ' w iiiuier control, but still moving i with kutlleient force to have done con siderable damnge. As the train passed the siding. Clnrke ' nnd his llreinan climbed on the cars : nnd soon stopped them; nud as Jessie i Jumped to the ground she almost alighted ou a tall, gray inustached old gentleman. He was Charles Archer. Vice President nnd General Malinger of the Southern raelllc, nnd a man who never failed to recogulzo nnd reward merit; nud It wns nt bis hands Miss : Clarke received the education that tit- ted her for the position she now occu pies, nud who pluced the lady's uamo on the "merit roll" of the Southern I'acllle Railroad, nt a salary of f l.rssj per year, work or play, as long as she llves.-St. Louis I'ost Dispatch. THE DRUM ON SHIPBOARD. It Tlaja an Important I'arl In the Unity Routine of Duly. "The I ast of Uie Drums" la the ti tle of an article written by Lieutenant Lm Marnist 1'erklus for St. Nicholas. Lleut.'iuiat I'erLlus says: Iu the uavy us well as la the army the drum Is hallowed and glorified by traditions of victory; and from the day Paul Junes ran up the first Hug of our country, with Its Uliorty-tree and Its motto. "An Appeal to Heaven," down to the prereut, a mau-of-wur's drum mer, though the smallest mite oil lioard. has always played an liniiortuut part in tlu- dally routine of our nation's floating bulwarks. Krom Uie rolling of "gun bright- j work" In the morning, and the long- j drnwu, solemn besit to "quarters," to the Inst Incident of the day "taps," or : "extinguish l!glits"-the drum retulns 1 lis place here; nnd the little Marine- dniiii.nor, with his baby face and red coat. Is the last to carry his drum proudly at the head of marching men, 1 and to blend Its martini rattle with the blare of the trun-pet, which has usurped tr.e plnce of the fife. i Tho?e boys are enlisted at WasJilng- ; ton. nnd are tat-ht In the music-school j at Marine headquarters, after which j they ire draftej to the several Marino SSJ FATHER'S EXfilNE. stations at navy-yards, or distributed to vessels In commission all over the world. TtK'y are enlisted nt from 14 to 10 year of nge, and ate bound over to serve In the Marine Corps until 21, when they are honorably discharged. While serving on men-of-war, they swlu lu hnmmocks and mess with the Marine Urard, aud In all respects are treated as If they are men; In action they serve at the great guns as powder-boys "iiowdiT-moukeys" as they are bometlmes called. The duty of a powder-boy Is to rmss charges from the ma?azlne to the battery. Drummers are distinguished from tbe prlvaie soldiers of the Marine Guard In full-dress uniform by a scarlot tunic with w hite faring and shoulder knots the only dress In our service like the traditional red coat of "Tommy At kins," the British soldier, which has lieen wore by the anuy for nearly 300 years. Asa Joke upon this distinctive ly un-American unlfoim, tt Is relat'd tluit vrhen the British were scwi ap proaching Ftlndensburg, during the war of 1S12, a wag In the American ranks shouted. "Great Scott! boys, here i-oriies the music. I guess I won't wait for the army:" Everjthlac Else. Bacon I hear your friend has been very unfortunate. EglsTt Yes; he failed In business. "What was the cause?" "Exens!ve wife." "And did he lose everything?" "Everything but the wife." Yonken Statesman. It doesn't amount to much If a dl-v..n-d uian has a living wife, but It U mighty important If a divorced worn .. k...l.n.l . Ift Meslcuns are not very fond of Spnu lartts, Bud Jokes are eoutautly cropping i'p lu Mexico Illustrative of the arro iMiice of the Simiilsh character. One iiow current In Mexico runs as follows: A Spaniard arrived at Vera Crui slid cpled usliore Just as au eartlniinWe weurrii. rmtiiiK on a Is'nlgu smile, he said: 'Tremble not, Knrth, 1 am i ol going to harm thee." A man had been up for an exsmltm ' "'ii iu Scripture, had failed utterly. :nd the relations between bill) aud the Aiiuiiuer had become somewhat strain el. The latter asked hliu If there were any text lu the whole Itlble he could "" I"""1''1- ""J t,u'u r,,lM',u- V, ".'ill'1 J.!"'"" w,'ut 0Ut nml MniM'If." "U there any other verse ) u know In the whole Bible?" the ex iiiultier asked. "Yes." 'Go thou and do likewise.'" There was a solemn I'Kllse, and the proceedings tcrillltuitcd. A gentleman had left his corner seat In an already crowded rallwny ear to :' In search of something to eat, leav i g a rug to reserve his seat. On re ttirnliii; he found that. In spite of the mg and the protests of his fellow-passengers, tie. Heat had lieen usurped by Me lu lady's garments. To his protes tations her lofty reply was: "Do you htiow. sir, that I am one of the direc tors wives:" "Minlain," he replied, "were yon the director's only wife, I should still protest." Duvld Hartley, member of I'lirlla meiit for Hull lu 17T'.. wns called "the dinner bell." because his rising hnd a s mllar effect In emptying the House, due day. when he had wearied every body out. he moved that the riot act tl ould be read, as a document to prove come assertion. Burke, w ho had Nen I bursting with Impatience for hours, j 'hiuiiced up. exclaiming: "The riot act, j my dear friend: to what purse? Don't I oii perceive that the mob has already ! quietly dispersed?" But the sareusui was utterly thrown away. There Is a certain passage for the deuble-basM ji in one of Beethoven's femes which was at one lime believed i to be almost liuiHtsslhlc of execution. ; Halieiieek once conducted a perform i .:nce of this work lu I'arls, and gave l he passage lu question to the 'cellos. I Berlioz, who w as a devout worshiper of ' Beethoven, met Hahfiicck soon after, j n I'd nsked him when he meant to give I H e passage as Beethoven Intended It to be given. ".Never as long as I live," mid llabeneck. "Well, we'll wnlt." re j'iiiil Ib-rllor; "don't let It lie long." "When I w ns out West." says a busl ines man quoted in Hardware, "n young man registered nt the hotel and proceeded to make thltigs lively. The lirsl night he played poker with the landlord nud cleaned him out; the next i gi.t lie in toe home diuuk an.) wb'.pied il'c cabman; the third night he went up nud down the halls singing at the I top of his voice nml daring the ehaiu I in rmalils to come out nud embrace him. In the morning they nsked fur the key of his room and gave hliu his bill. He looked It over, nud then said, with sur prised pathos, 'Don't you make any d seoiint to ministers?' " In the Court of Sessions, lu Scot land, the Judges who do not attend, or rive a proper excuse for their absence, l ie, by law, liable to a flue. This law, lit wever, Is never enforced; but It Is common, on the first day of the ses sion, for the absentee to send nn excuse to the lord president. Lord Stonetleld having seut such an excuse, on the president mentioning It, the late Uiril .'list lee Clerk Bra field said. In his broad dialect: "What excuse enn a flout fellow like liltn ha'e?" "My lord," said the president, "he has lost his wife." The Justice, who wns fitted with n Xnntlpiie, replied: "Hns he? Thnt s n guile excuse Indeed; I wish we had a' the same." lu the dally dry-as-dust of the Fair will case, there Is little of humor, des !,!te the desperate exertions of the pen-ny-liuers to make It seem so. But over ti e desert ways of witnesses aud testi mony there Hashed, the other day, some legal lightning w hich was not unamiis ;ng. Attorney Wheeler wns objecting. Attorney Wheeler generally Is. "The w hole mlse-eli scene 111 Mr. Wheeler's oillee Is unm ssary," said Mitchell; "I move t'i strike out thnt nilse-en-Kcene." "What Is Hint?" snld Attorney Delinas. with nn nlrof extreme otios ity. 'Trench." n plied Atloruey Mitch efl; "I thought you were familiar with j iu language." "I am," replied Attor r.ey Delinas; "it was the pronunciation 1 was not famlllnr with.' Brahms was a hearty enter, and par ticularly fond of Italian cookery. One day he ami l". limrotu, the eminent Austrian surgeon, visited Ilerr Wleh niiinu In Koine and were luvltcd to a breakfast alia roiuami. The host's cook, Mora, did her prettiest, and the wine riippleiueiited her efforts. "That's the w Ine that Horace drank!" said Dr. Bill roth, enthusiastically. Bruhm's !l oughts were on the viands he had just enjoyed. In Jovial humor he rais ed the question whether It was not his duty to take back w ith him to Germnny a wife who could provide so admirable a meal as Morn. I'ltuilly Wlchmnnn, s 1th mock seriousness, presented hlin relf to Mora as a suitor for her hand In behalf of a great German artist. "More over, he Is a musician," he explained, ' and you surely are fond of mimic, for jolt sing alsmt Mie houe all day. What K.y youV" Mora's answer was classic. Mio'lookisl at Wli'hiiinnn. then at Brahms from top to toe, and. with an energetic gesture, replied: "Sollo ro iMinn. natn al I'onte Itotto, dove sta II templo dl Vi-sta, lion ssisero mal tin barbaro!" ("I am a Itoman, Isirn nenr 'he I'onte Holte. where the Temple of Vesta stands I never will marry a bar barian!") Julea Verne. If, meeting him without know led go who he was. I had bwu asked to divine his profession. I would have aald he wns a retired army general or a pro fessor of physics and mathematics or a cabinet oftleer-never an artist, says a writer In the Chsutstiqnan, lu speaking of Jules Verne. He does not show the burden of his almost so years. He has somewhat of Verdi's bnlld, with se rious, kindly fsce. uo anlst-Uke vlvael. ty In look or word, very simple man ners, the Imprint of great sincerity In every fleeting manifestation of faellng taA tnought, the lauguage, the Uarlng, the manner of dress of a man who con siders appearauces of absolutely no ac couut. My first sensation after the pleasure of seeing him was oue of stupefaction. Apart from the friendly hsik aud the a (Table demeanor I could recognize nothing lu common w ith the Verne who stood before me nnd the one that had a place In my Imagination. My wonder even Increased when. Induced to speak about his works, he spoke of them with au abstracted air, us he would have done of some else's writings, or, rather, of things In which entered uo merit of hs. ns he would have spoken of a collec tion of engravings or coins he had ac quired nnd with which he occuplisl himself from the necessity of doing something rather thau from any pas sion for the art. The Did Gardener. "Do you remeinlier," asked the ow n er of a large country place, "a mnu lu oue of Stockton's stories whose great ambition was to owu a dictionary? Well, 1 have Just that fellow In my em ploy now. My gardener might have furnished the original, lu that respect at least, for the character the writer was describing. 1 always noticed Mi chael's passiou for long words, but It was by accident that he revealed to me one day how much he would like to have a dictionary of his owu iu which he might hunt up his Moved isilysyb bibles. 1 gave hliu one, and after that his conversation was more resplendent than ever. He was not always quite sure of his ground, but he Invariably succeeded in producing au Impressive result. On oue occasion, I remember, my next nelghlmr hnd quietly appro priated several bushels of my early IhiiikIi apples, which grew unforluna:e ly near to the boundary line Mwceii the two places. It was not a mutter worth making much fuss about, yet I should have liked to stop It, nud lu talking It over with Michael I said, half to him and half to myself, 'I won der what would be the best thing to do?' " 'Well, ulr.' said he. 'this Is what I think: You'll Just do nothing whatever at present. You'll wait till them late russet apples of his is ripe and then you'll gather a heup o' them some night and r-r retaliate Hie compliment.' "Michael always had a grudge against this particular neighbor any way, and held his gardening Ideas lu especial contempt. So one day, when I chanced to be the first to discover that Mr. had cut down one of Ids most beautiful hedges to make room for something else, I hastened to tell Mi chael nud get his opinion upon the des ecration. He had a deep, genuine af fection for all growing things, and his eyes glowed wrathfully when he heard of the murdered laurel bushes, even though they grew outside of his do main. " 'What do you think of the lKM'form ance?' I asked. '".Mr. ,' replied the old fellow, speaking slowly and emphasizing ei ery word, 'the man that would do that ought to v excommunicated from the church and denied Christian burial.' Coming from a good Catholic like Mi chael, I think this will stand as a pret ty severe sentence." Xew York Trlb. line. New Huriclcal Treatment. A hospital bus been opened in Loudon for the treatment of wounds, ulcers nud kind nil ailments by oxygen gas. The new method of treatment was suggest ed by the Zulus. When they are wound- ed, they climb an eminence nnd exiose their wounds to the pure air of the ihoiintnln-tops. After the Turco Bus slan war, It was notlcisj also that the Invalids sat with their wounded limbs bare on the deck. Scientifically devel oped, and with the milt Ion of oxygen one part of oxygen to one pnrt of purl fled air thnt Is the principle now adopted at the Oxygen home. Boxes are tilled with the mixture at the gas ometer aud attached to the chnmlicrs, which Inclose the wounds. When a London Mult rcprCsntntlve visited the hospital, a merry little lad, nllllctcd with discharges from the ears, was run ning about with a tule lu each ear, attached to a gasbag, hung like a school satchel across his neck. A mnu with a diseased eye, wore an appliance little larger than the ordinary shade. Patients lay lu bod with dlscnscd llmbi Inclosed lu glass cases, fed nutoluutlcul ly with the mlxiil gas. Comparisons with the photographs of the original wounds showed that remarkable Im provements had been effected III a very short time. (Simplicity of dm llocr. ! They are telling tills nncvdi.te in Tun. ; don to show the simplicity of the Ibs-r: A Boor farmer usked 7o,imh) for a piece of hind, but this amount the would lie purcluiscr affected to consider too small. "To-nirnw," snld lie, "I will pay you UOO.OIK) In hard cash." , j Tlie Boerassentisl, ami on the follow ing day, when the deed of sale had Ixs-n duly signed luul wlliicsMcd, the purchaser prisluced two hag of sover- ' elgns, and counted out the contents of the sinaUer of the two. "Here," snld be, "Is 100." ' "Yes," said the Boer. ! "Aud here," pursued the other, count ing out the contents of Die second bug, 1 "la 1,000." I "Yea," snld the IWr. ( "Well, that's a 100,000." "Yes," said the Boer, and the Imrgaln was completed. I Ileat thn Gate, "Where an; your tickets, gentlemen?" nsked the disirkeeper of a theater to a line of men w ho hud confronted him lu "Indian file." "It's all right," shouted the uiun at the tall end of the line. "I've got the tickets. They're six of us with uie, Count 'em us they go In." "In you go, gents," said the di-k's-p. er, and he tallied off Ave, who Imme diately mixed with the crowd within. Then Cerlwrus turned to look for the holder of the tickets, but ho had disappeared, and Ave men saw the per formance, safe from Identlflcatlor, In the tremendous throng of people, 'fit!. Ulta. A Dlarord. "It was careless," mused the adver tising manager, In a melancholy tone. "To what do you refer?" The manner In which tbey put that prima donna's opinion of our curt for a cold on the same page with an an nouncement that has a sore throat and cannot alog." Exchange. LET US ALL LAUGH. JOKES FROM THE PENS OF VARIOUS HUMORISTS. I'leaaanl Incident! Occurring lb World Uver-Oayinua that Are Ihetr ful lo Old or Vnuna Funny Selections that You Will Hnjoy. Convention. "Convention sets meets and ImiiiiiiIs for your ambition." The words kept sounding lu her ears, even now that she was alone, us If her startled misgivings had found voice to take them up nnd repeat them over and over. She thought of the hops and dinners that filled her life. "Meats nud hounds Is good," she re marked, and laughed quietly. Detroit Journal. Tramp - I'm de victim of misplaced confidence. Mrs. Appleblosoiu-How so? Tramp -1 were a clerk In er bank an' (ley lef Jlo.iHsl In me charge. My term Jcs' expired.-Detroit 1'ree Press. Heprraent No One. "May I ask," said the visitor lu the Senate gallery, "who these gentlemen represent '!" "Nolmdy." replied the guide. 'This Is the l ulled States Senate."-Philadelphia North American. II IV Krlllf.l. "When me and Jane was marrlt," said the old man, "the fust thing I says w hen we got to the house wuz: 'I guess the fust thing for us lo do Is fer us to settle w ho Is golif to Is- boss.' " "And did you settle It?" usked the youth. "We didn't." "You didn't?" "No. She done nil the settlln' uv It herself."-Cincinnati Knqulrer. A Mailer or Wright. "But Helen certainly wus a grent girl," persisted Hector. Agauieiiilioii sneered. "By Troy weight, possibly," he re torted, not without a suggestion of acrimony. Answers. Why Johnny l.nal Ilia Joh. "It's your w Iff nt the telephone," said the olllce Isiy. "Tell her I'm out for the afternoon." "He says to tell you he's out for the nflerniHiu, muni."-Detroit Pree Press. An Irish Hull. The servant girl lu writing a letter unfortunately blotted It. To snve the trouble of copying It she ndded a post script: "You will And several blots In this letter but Hint Is not my fault; they were made In the postolllce."-Boston Traveler. tinned II Would I.aal. "Above nil," snld the throat special ist, "the lady must tulk as little ns possible." "Doctor," eagerly nsked Mrs. Gray malr's husband, "Is there any hope of It Is'conilng chronic?" Tit Bits. A bread. "This bosom," she coldly remarked, "has never known love." "A breast of the times," be faltered, aud shuddered. Detroit Journul. The Chrrrful Idiot. "1 wonder," said the philological boarder, "why a light Is called a scrap?" "Been use It Is a brokeu pence," tho Cheerful Idiot explained, with Ills usu al promptitude. ludlunnpolls Journul. Wanted lo thanae It, De Bungs -I Isiught a shirt at this store. Can I change It at this counter? Saleslady (somewhat embarrassed! Well -er, don't you think you hnd bet ter go where you enn have more priv acy V-Cincinnati Enquirer. Know Il Alt. Visitor-Come now, Prank, I'm really li.tcrcslcd In the electrical business, nml I want you to tell me all there Is lo know about it. Proprietor All right. Mr, Granger, send that boy here who Is-gan work day before yesterday. Boston Tran script. liar Iriiel Way. He (earnestly)-1 trust you under stand me. Miss Eleanor; I don't see how I can make myself any plainer. She (hastily)-Oh, Mr. Bumps, please don't try to. New Y'ork Tribune. I.ort'a Sarriflcra. "How do I know that you really love tne?" she asked. "What assurance have I that you would be willing to make sacrifices ami endure hardships for my sake?" He looked at her in repronchlul astonishment and exclulmed: "What more can you ass? Haven't I for six months refrained from laying violent hands on your little brother?" Washington Star. Fat'sfuctory I- splanallnn. "They say that Butch basu't a dollar to his lia nn." "That must be the reason be bus never In-en able to get any woman to accept It."-Cincinnati Enquirer. I Not Ilia Fault. IP Smmm- 7t . Followed Inatroell'lna. Mudge This watch has been ttop ped for two or three days. Jeweler limine see It. There II nothing the matter with It except that It has not been wound. "I thought mnybe that waa It. I re me inls-r you told me to wind It up Just Is-fure I w ent to Ml and I haven't Mu to Ism! for three nights."- Indianapolis Journal. Valnar, Mrs. Purkcasli (affably, having sient the whole afteriusin looking at pic tures, without buying onel My dear, Mr. Canvas, I wonder, now, If there Is anything vainer than you nrtlsts alsmt your pictures? Poor Artlst-Our efforts to sell them, madauie.- Unsiklyu Life. kulillni. Jennie I low did you enjoy yourself crossing tbe ocean? Clara - Immensely. Of course there was nothing to see but sky and water, but the laiiilsi ape was sublime. Judge. And Hence Mie IMiln'l. He-If 1 should kiss you would you scream? She -Indeed I would. If It were not for startling iMor mamma. Detroit I'ree Presa. Krltlel It. She declared herself one of those bashful, 1 1 1 ii til girls who can never sit still or decide what to do with her hands. lie answered by putting au embrac ing arm nlsiut her waist and taking Isith of her tittle hands lu his. Detroit Free Press. The Myaterlnua Ola re. 'Tisiple who see airships are not so numerous us they were a short time ngo." "Yes, replied the victim of chronic skepticism, "but Just you wait till the lightning bug season comes In." Washington Star. t sacily. "They tell me that you have a new scheme afoot," said (ill old friend til the theatrical manager. "Yes, I lie company's walking back from llobovlllo now." Detroit Free Press. Need of Caution. Mrs. Mcluty-An' phat did III' doc ther soy wos th' matter wld y'r eye, Patsy? Small Son He say ed thur was some foreign substance lu.Jt. Mrs. Mclnty (with an "I told you so" nlrl- Now, msyls' ye'll kni nway from thllil Uytnllnns. New York Weekly. Klilea a Tandem, "Baron, do you ride n bicycle?" "Yes, but ou account of my servant, only a tandem." Fllegendo Blaetter. Turned Dp. "Anything turned up yet?" asked tho friend. "Nothing but the noses of evcrylsxly I tackle," snld the man who was look ing for a place. Exchange. Mean Thins. "A dinner such as we have had to day," said the elderly boarder, "makes uie feel like a young man." "Indeed," was all Mrs. Hashcioft deigned to reply. "Indeed. When 1 think of that lamb we had for dinner I feel Hint If that was lamb I must still be a boy." Washington Star. A llothcred Litterateur. "What Is the mutter?" Inquired the officer. ' ' "The enemy has stolen a march on me!" replied the general, in great agi tation. "Are you sure?" "Alinont. Either Hint or else I have n. Maid the manuscript." Indianapolis Journal. The Ileal Wheel for Htm. Burrow Thut's a duutly wheel you have there, old man. I'll take a little spin ou It some day. By the way, what kind of a wheel do you think I ougnt to ride? Marrow Oue of your own.-llrouk-lyu Life. II Waa Kngavad. Owner of the Show What did yon say your specialty was? Applicant for Job I am a crack ami fancy shot with pistols. "Does your net take well?" "Does It? I have made hit every place I've exhibited." Clucluuatl Trib une. No t'erthly Uee for 'Km. "I don't see why so many cranks are trying to Invent a Dying machlue. There's uo earthly use for them." "No; that's true; they are meant to navigate the air." Cincinnati Coinuo r. clal Tribune. Ilia Choice. It Is said' that Charles Wesley wus sometime easily annoyed, and on one occasion, at a conference, he Uvame mo Irritated at the prolix remarks of a speaker that he said to his brother: "Stop that man's speaking. U't us attend to business." But the offender was ' relating hie religious expcrlcix-e, and though It waa at so great a length, John Wesley evidently thought tluit no one hnd a right to Interfere with It. He was therefore allowed to continue, but the moment came when Charles could con tain himself no krtiger. TuIchh lie stops," he whispered to John, "I'll leave the conference." By this time John was enjoying the man's simple story, and he only tu rived and whutpcred to some oue sitting near: "Hooch Cbarlca hut lint!" Railway Accidents In Rnrope. The railroad companies of Great Brltulu carried 030.000.000 passengers In lH'A of whom 380 were killed. Dur ing tlie same year, In the city of Lon don alutve. Mil persons were killed by falling from building or out of wla dowa. I r onft work .bout .ho Uht tbe beavy trtift