y
r. v 1 i i i r f i 1 1 x .r , t
' Hill, 'Ill "nil to-lli. I
j I'l" Vtelc ll.ssalislicd Wltil the sloWIUS
or i.ldcou Well,
I .VI y.
Wit ill Hill,
""M
f I Ik
Lincoln's Serretnrv
'n. ,.. when Mr. w,ii,.s
mi attack of malaria.
-mii:i I'Kctl In ln presence uf
critics lliat the Secrctare
HE NEW SKIPPER e s
OF THE NANCY.
Mils down ; ,,V
!" W.MS I In- i ollllllcllt ; "you
That's tin- ulil.v kill. I of
Hi's could ever catch."
ioinioil, on entering tin'
illl. follllll Ililll llllllllt.lllt:
,lH,,",,"m",H,,,",l":MlI
it a
beauty. Joe, and do niln
nn.l faxt. t.
i iicr best point.
In my estlinn
,.uilfiiltiirnnf tbewheel.thnt
. i . 1 1., ns to s II llllliosi "'J.
I,-.,,.,, brought the trim steam
i. . 0
full k ii roll HI tne I'ira ui
r'.ml in. beside the floating
Villi a maneuver no clover that
Jntou tli' side u l,le l,,I,B tn"1
it .rntpcu.
(Allen fpi-ini; oui ii"' "--ud
Hint, running lil e.ve along
. .i... !.... ruttiiii t.til lilu rp
a lira iiiy. ami, as you say, fast.
It cuts tlie air nt awn a rate
carries a cool breeze witn
tlie hottest night.
with a cordial "Coml night,
l.-litly climbed the ladder that
J!. pier, while Parsons, arter a
Ar)' tot or me nine su n in
, barked slowly out into me
' ami then kept up the North
full lipeeil.
fruity, in. I I. he Kept repeai-
i mwlf, thrilling with a strange
It the thought of being owner,
noil crew of such n annoy little
creature.
l.i .Nancy Deemed almost nllve
He was a bookkeeper lu a
BHD bank, ii sober, Industrious,
ku.l good-loaned fellow; who
hi tlie pleasures that do not
Jo the Ret end run of young men.
jKear before he had conceived
i tlmt for at least nix mouths in
i ir It would give til lit great pleas-
i.iiiil Ills evenings and holidays
Smell a craft as he now possess-
Fancy had consumed $1,000 of
means extensive savings, but
happy, and what Is money
nl to liappincss.
die launch spurted ahead nt
ft hm'c1, then slowed down to
J more than half speed, all the
t shrill whistle touted much
f frnpieiitly than Is required by
iKif tiavlpitloii. Joe was piny-
B his boat as some men do with
rse, nsa woman does with her
first born.
"$'1 out among the larger river
! Nancy elided. Several times
ml got In the way of tugs and
1 "t, hut these experiences only
is miniature voyage the more
if the maneuvers earrled him
the piers on (he New York
I I lie river,
'"ly Joe looked nhend Just In
i human iigure shoot from
1 "fa pier nud strike the water
I M'las h.
st moment the Nancy was not
1 twenty yards away,
i liclile. burst from Joe's Hps.
'"ut I'll spoil thp gnme."
'uncli sped quickly to the spot.
Stated and almost stood still
' II Inihieiice 0f a sudden re
11 ' the engine.
:l 'I pause of mi iiStnnt jop ,,nn.
lr 'e side and found himself
fa young woman.
"it inonient the Nnncy began
'''aril tliroiiL'h th vn tut lint
ftl the sylph like forni'lnto
ailU una the vnnncr ln.l i
f Wm and the engine.
""open eyes stared n him In.
' fashion.
" Jo iliis often?" l,e queried.
"His w hat else to say.
' was the only gn.un.
f "r " thought Joe.
d'"l't Vnil knnn. .!. .. ...
L, ,, mill HUICIUU
fr e wickedest things n the
lTu? oa hn tac clanged
ul relief.
he answered
"J '"" Jou Jump Into
the
IMn-t see me"-8he began.
J, .. , " union.
1" Von 1.....
, us you struck the
Ue angered.
'-'I'ls tln.e one of unmlstaka-'r-ps,n,i
ll(.r
Ul'i J'ou try
to'
ld"U't ask me,"
1 asl you what?"
ine niivthliicr
B!
be went on,
she pleaded.
please! I
"'atly ol.liL'e.i .
"lor Ule
' 5"ii are
f"H. "v.,,,
ha
4 then
'ra.-
I'fet. use
111!
A.
lo r tin r
f.IOi
queer girl," he
reach the point
further charms for
Immediately begin to
"f woikloi at tlu
,,n,t.d to tHra tksi llttW
"'"d a fuIUr lit
it
he.-ks
Pwanliv
I"C,1,
Wire
I'allld-naturally.
iniiiented but the
CV'S Hill! lr,..r,...,M.I
l7',;' n.., belong ton woman
, ;H"-ratey end her life.
w'tb which any man
dlL'l beurable to
.i-.'. '',"p iddenly from Joe.
gr.rWy uieno to Jump Into
J-u promised.
- Pnm.ise: t wa.
Pk It aiflilt,- ....
sir, to ask
you w
pleaded.
sho
a
Ami do everything else that you
ask." cried Joe, suddenly, overwhelm
ed and conquered hy the most wonder
ful little face he had ever seen. 'What
shall I do, fust of all':"
"Talk about something cheerful,"
she urged, with a shiver.
"Well, In the drst place, you're cer
tainly wet, nnd you must Ik- cold."
"Oh. no; tin. uKi,t a ()0 warll) for ,
that."
"Won't you take a little taste of this
brandy?" he suggested, producing his
tinsk. 'it may save you from catch.
lug a severe cold." She took the Mask,
hut only the merest drop passed her
Hps.
Then Joe, In obedience to her whim,
branched out Into dissertations on the
most genera! topics, lie felt that he
was talking like an Idiot, but he evi
dently pleased her. for soon she Joined
lu his talk, and displayed not only un
common Intelligence, but a vivacity
that was hardly to be expected.
All this time they had been speeding
up the North river. Joe suddenly
awakened from his delicious nbsorp- i
tlon to 11 lid that they were opposite
Harlem.
"Whore shall I land you?" he asked.
"Anywhere; I must be getting
home."
"And may I escort you there?"
"Oh, no; not for Worlds."
Her look was both pleading and
frightened.
"At least, may I call to-morrow, to
make sure that you huve not suffered
from your exposure?"
"Dense don't think of doing that,
either. And don't try to llud out any
thing about me."
"I am a gentleman." said Joe, with a :
simplicity that much have touched i
her. The boat had lauded by (his time.
She stood up, shook out her garments
which were almost dry by this time
ami held out her hand.
"(tood-by," she said, "and thank you
thank you for more than I can tell
you. We shall probably never meet
again, but I shall always look back
upou you as one of my friends. Tim tik
you, again, most earnestly, and good
l.y." Joe held her hand for a few seconds
longer than he needed to, ami tipped
his hat almost reverently as she glided
away.
"No, she certainly didn't mean to
com mlt suicide," he soliloquized, gaz
ing Intently nt her rapidly disappear
ing form. "Confound It, If 1 meet that
girl again, I shall certainly fall In love
with her. What Is all the mystery
back of this affair, I wonder."
Then Joe wended his way home, his
pretty craft forgotten In the maze of
thought with which the adventure of
that evening had tilled his head.
And when, lu his bed, Joe I'm r sons
tried lu vain to woo sleep, these words
kept running through his brain:
"If I meet that girl again. I shall
certainly fall In love with her."
Hut month after month went by. and
Joe did not once behold the woman
that the river had yielded up to him,
only to let the town swallow her up
half an hour later.
It was only a few weeks ago that
Joe had been taken from the books of
the bank and established In a small,
cozy olhYe to attend to the correspond
ence of the Institution.
A typewriter was necessary, so he
advertised for one. There were a host
of applicants, but many of them hud
not the necessary knowledge for his
kind of work, so they were rejected.
When the door opened to admit still
another applicant, nnd Joe looked up,
he almost shouted In his glee, for the
newcomer was the young woman of
the river episode.
The recognition was mutual, but
each strove to Ignore the fact, and Joe
plunged at once Into an examination
of her qualifications.
She gave her name as Nora Pur
well, and responded to all his questions
so satisfactorily that he engaged her
on the spot.
"I am sorry the salary Is not larger."
be said, apologetically, "but the bank
regulates that, and I have no control
In the matter."
only a few days ago, an observe
might have seen Nora gazing wi'h
truly feminine delight nt a pretty soli
taire ring on her linger. Joe's ha ml
was resting affectionately on her shoul
der. "Tell me," he said, suddenly, ami
with something of an air of proprietor
ship, "how you happened to be in the
river that night?"
"I waa pushed In." she replied, turi -Ihf
rle at the r llectlon.
"Hy uliom?"
"! bUkband."
"Your husband'''
"Yes; he was a
"f 'he Nay
fox i r "Slow
bet If ,,u.
fever old W.
Olle ,1.1V, I
i' i of I;. ...
nie piano ni, ii ll(.ill- lllt
iug the most discordant ti,,M. from U.
Instrument. "What in the n f all
that Is good me you playing';" a-ke.l
the Frenchman. " am trying to play
"," w ...niv f Wagner's." replied
'be Italian. "Hut the score Is upside
''""ii. 1'liat's true," was the retort;
"I hud ll tIi,. i thcr way up nt Hist, but
couldn't make head or tail of It. so I
thought inught succeed iu tills way."
Mis. Itnn. roft. the wife of tlie his
torian. when staying in London, went
one day to an iifteruooii musical.- lu
Mayfalr. (in n,,. av hM, vvas unmet
cd to a display of Mm wis lu a llegent
M reel window isays the Illustrated
Aniorleani, and, stopping the cab, went
Into the shop and bought one, throwing
It over her shoulders to wear to the
ho. lal gathering. The astonished guests
at the iiiuslcale were editiod by the
sight of the elegant .Mrs. Haucroft
Moating through the draw ingroouis
with a placard on her back bearing
the words "Very Chaste."
The late Abbe Weiidling. formerly
Hrst vicar of the Paris church, l.a
Tl iiille, owed Ills promotion In the min
is' ry to his prowes with his lists.
While he was secretary to the ltlshop
of Metz he whs Insulted by three Prus
sian soldiers In the street. The abbe,
who was of athletic build, promptly
knocked down one of the soldiers, ami
the other two took to their heels. When
Abbe Wemlllllg confessed his Hi t to the
bishop, the latter seemed much annoy
ed. "I acted but ill self defense,"
pleaded the abbe. "Of course," replied
the bishop; "but why didn't you polish
off the whole party?" To avoid trou
ble. Father Wcndllng was sent to Pur
ls, and his elevation soon followed.
When experiments were being made
with Mr. Hciithain's body after his
death, James Mill had, one day, come
Into Mr. Peacock's room at the India
House and told him that there bail ex
uded from Mr. Itentliam's head a kind
of oil which was almost iilifreczable,
anil which he conceived might be used
for the oiling of chronometers which
were going Into high latitudes. "The
less you say about that. Mill," said
Peacock, "the belter it will be for you:
because. If the fact once becomes
known, Just as we see now in the news
paper advertisements to the effect that
a tine hear Is to be killed for his grease,
we shall be having advertisements to
the effect that a tine philosopher Is to
be killed for Ills oil."
A tenderfoot fanner iu Arizona en
gaged a neighbor to plow a ticbl that
had been ill alfalfa, on being engag
ed. I lie neighbor set Ills price at twenty
dollars. "You see." he explained.
"I liese a Italia roots at e tei hide to plow.
It takes six horses to pull through the
roots, two 1 1 1 ii lo hold the plow, ami a
boy to drive. It's worth at least thirty
dollars, but you being a neighbor, I II
do it for twenty dollars." The native
was engaged, ami later Die tenderfoot
related to another neighbor that he
had struck a bargain lu getting his
plowing done. "Why," was the reply,
"that Job Is not worth ten dollars."
"Itlll it lakes six horses," protested the
tenderfoot. "Yes. that's mi two In
pull tlie plow ami four to pull your
log."
Carlyle was terribly bored by the
persistent optimism of his friend Km
ersoii. "1 thought." he said, "that I
would try to cure him, so I took him
to some of the lowest parts of London
an I showed Ii I tn all that was going on
l here. This done, I tinned to hlin. say
ing: "And lion, mail, d'ye believe III tlie
deevil noo?" 'Oil. no,' he replied, 'all
lliese people scclll to Hie only parts of
the great machine, and. on the whole,
I think they are doing their work very
satisfactorily!' Then." continued the
sage, "1 took him doiiu to the lloose
n' Coinlimiis, where tiny put us under
the gallery. There I showed Ililll 'tie
chicl getting up after anlther nml Ice
lug and leelng.' Then I turned lo him
ami said: 'Ami noo, man, d'ye believe
in the deevil lino?' lie made MM-, how
ever. Just the same answer as before,
and 1 then gave him up lu despair."
An anecdote of Olsraell Is told by a
writer In Blackwood's. Mr. ilrillln and
his daughter, Lady Slnipkliisoti, trav
eling volturler ami halting to rest the
horses at a post-house some hours from
.Munich, suddenly became aware of
st disconsolate figure, with long
dark curls, leaning dejectedly against
one of the pillars of the porch." It whs
lMsraell on his wedding tour. The
sight of his friends aroused him to
tell his tale of woe. He hail failed to
recognize the fact that lie had been for
some hours retracing his steps Instead
f proceeding to Innsbruck, as he bad
Intended, and h.'i'l readied the post
Ih.usc to Ii ml no looses available for
his return. The dtiplhate mistake had
I i, made by a couple desirous of
reaching Augsbunr and at that mo-
ln,,nt sp ling on a return Journey of
llidr own to Innsbruck. Hut IMsraell s
bride. It will be remembered, was a
widow.
.e
nut
sov
oil
ro:g
fearful brute Thnf
nlrl,t l,n lnveli.'Ied me out on the piei.
with the deliberate Intention of mur
dering me. Hut I am trying to f'-rg-t
all that. Please never sp-ak of I'
" "Little girl." said Joe. with husky
. "1 .-..ii are willing' , TV IH-'T'
icuucrues, j -
ry me after such an cxperletic
,i,....nr ttlist a creat faith y
have In nie."
"I have." she replied, simply.
The Nancy Q.s a new skipper new-
the most delight fu! ski r Imi.gma
ble.-Mlnuespolla Tribuutf.
in ma'
mi tnut
An Kngllhh Coronal Ion.
1', a etrictly "up to date" point of
eW, many of tlie eereuiomot Ittelld
the cop. nation or uie r.ugiis i
ll are seu-eh-es and fuutas.ic:
but embodying us they
,,r tradition of ceiiiur;"
dent's standpoint
inter.!. Mr. P.
1 k concerning
t.oii." dc. r':h.-s some of .lie most re
rkable ,,f tli.c ell-'. ues
i; v lieredl 'a ry right
have - ial
t:niaii'l pr.
...a'V,,,,,,
bold th ofhVe of chief butler. wh!e!i
entitle bin) to revive a cup of pure
g.dd The ceremony of cuthroiiiti; n
called "1 ftlng to the throne." derived
from the custom of our A agio Saxon
forefather, wh.t when their U.ng , is
enthroned, l.fted him from the giouii I.
Among tlie iinloiis chilms of .civ Ice
Is that of a ceil. ilu lei imii 'o i-'y the
great spurs, and of tlie ArelibU'iop f
Canterbury to make a mess of pott.'ge.
called Pillegrotlt.
Certain offerings are made, anions
which are an ingot of gold and an ait.ir
pail, "coiiipo.ed of leu yards of gold
barred, gold fro. ted. Dowered brocade
l iied w illi rich sarsenet and with deep,
gold fringe."
The oaken chair till which the sover
eign is sealed has been In use s lice the
lime of lldward 11 . ami beneath it i.
the coronation fiono, which was con
toyed to Westminster from Sent la ml
l.y Kilward I ; a wild legend declare.
It to be the Moiic i.ll which Jacob laid
his head when lie slept at Hetliel.
Tlie most solemn function Is the
alio tiling, , luring which four Kirght.
of the liailer hold a canopy over the
sovereign, n , ,, 1 1 . Arvhhlshop pout,
the aiioiut.ng oil with a spoon which
Is the uio.i an. :ciil of all the ieg.il a.
and with which many sovereigns hive
be, ii anointed.
Hut tlie stiang.M survival of all is
the claim of ihc 1 1 moke family to the
elli. e of K. tig's Champion. His duty
Is to appear on li.us,.,a. k in full armor
at the royal banquet after the corona
tion, accompanied by the Pari M.ir.hal
and tlie Lord Il.gh Con. table. The
champion then makes a challenge, ac
cording to the old t. me form of words,
and throws down hi. gauntlet. The
challenge not being accepted, the sov
ereign dnttks tlie hcahli of the cham
pion in a s Iter cap. will. Ii is pi. willed
to the brave defender of llngli.h mon
archy, who then backs his hor.e out of
the hall.
DOWNED BY A GIRL.
A Kulr Anuinn' Yawn nml (Wsle
hmilfil thp (irutloii.
"1 see," said the old graduate with
an cxpi'c.Mtc riihh, tig of Iim hands,
"thai some of our Y extern colleges are
arranging for a soil of hatilc royal to
come off annually in tlie debating
arena. 1 like that sort of thing. It
teaches young men to reason quickly
ami airurulely while Ihey are on their
feet lu presence of an audience ami to
express their libiis intelligently lis well
as impressively. Cient tiling! 1 used
to be something of a debater myself."
'So you were." laughed an old class
mate present. "Ciii.-s I'll have lo tell
them about the lime we went over to
ltig l'or.l tu clean out the district school
debater there."
"Never mind, now ."
"Too good to keep, old Tom, there,
ami I looiii.il together. We thought
ourselves mighty strong on the deltaic
for freshmen. When we heard they.
Welt1 going lo discuss the g I old !
qiliitiou of capital punishment at the I
Ford we thought It a golden opportuni
ty to show our paces as well as go:
needed practice. In order to annihilate
the rural orators we prepared ouiselves
oil opposite sides of the question. It
was a howling winter iiignt. but we
drove ten miles and whetted our wits
all tlie way by w rangling over the sub
jift for discussion. After we had
wanned up at ihc big box stove the
battle opened. When I had heard one
or two of those young country fellows
roar forth their arguments, nulling
their points with gesture that would
fell an ox, I revised my former proud
estimate of Tom and myself. The (low
ers of rhetoric were not scattered pro- ,
fusely. but then' was a won lerful
amount of UHMt In what they had lo
say. I got through my effort all right." ,
"( ill, of course." ,
"Hut poor Tom! lie had siaiv.l
beautifully to tlie very zenith, lie was
making a peroration worthy of imuior
lalily. When he had both hands aL.lt
and was ih-aling directly with the an
gel of mercy a fair amazoii on tlie
front scat yawned and then giggled.
Tom slopped as though he had 1 u
pa ral v.c.l. He never started up aja n.
The Judges solemnly dec'. led tint
Tom's side had been knocked gaily
west, and on l he way home he stopped
on the top of tlie hlccikcst hill to swear
me to secrecy."
A Simple Mil l.uily.
A clergy ma u told me an amusing
story the other day of an eccentric old
lady In his parl.li, who was devoted
to good works, and quite a st ml nir
lite in the IKirish. Ill spite of her eccei,
triciiies. Having to leave home on
i asiiiii. she had to pay some small
paro.-h at account for him (a matter of
frequent occurrence when he happened
tube awiiynbiit. knowing how pum-t I
Inns lie was about repayment as soon
as he returned, she was much einbar
rasscd that on this occasion he called
several tun.- without alluding to tic
subject.
Some six months later he suddenly
reuiembci'i i lil- omission, and hasTi u -d
to discharge hi. debt nml duly apolo
,. ..,! Hut the slmide old soul had
found a way out of the difficulty. a .he
assured him. by repaying herself.
"Hut how 1I4I Jou do thai'.'" s:i d her
vicar lu surprise.
-oh, when 1 saw you had forgotten
all iiImiui it, I Just f opped my usual
contribution on Sumlat until I had
paid myself Un-k!"
tier surprise was Immense when Mile
was greeted by ll Innr'j burst of laugh
ter. Ijtdy's I'lctof .al.
In ibe Millies .
A renin rkable bibliogi' iplih al nil hub
ty Is a Chine..- trail. la' ;o-i cf mii Ku-
glls-h cngli r:iig w. .r'i. f u-.nlng the
Hist Chinese work n the m-i ruction
of highways an I ra iwav The title I
thing like th s "I's-ai '.'p n Con-
LET IS ALL LAUGH.
JOKES FROM THE PENS OF
VARIOUS HUMORISTS.
do tlie history
. from the r'i-
they are of deep
II. Iu Ii I- iehl, in a
-Old F.ng! s i
Cus-
:e th
many persons
J.gllitlfS and lul at llili
ceding a coronation spe-
f Claims .s nppo.nl''. I to in
a tie ''tit r Vm hi"1 l':' v
.leg..
'I be r
Manor o
mid to support
L.eu bM'.ui the -eptre,
the
r . . i-'i .. of the Lor 1 of
Workson is to pru-en1 n glove
the sole re g:i arm
ml iWo to
stru.-tioii; Matthc-oti
Idea; Fngli.hman Fry
'I'lell have t Hi n-I: 1 !'
printed iu large ch.itn.-t
paper, and Is bound '
ers fasteinsl w 111 S 'i-
inner covers Itch.- ng
..is given the
r and Chang
" Tlie book hi
r mi line rice
rosewood iiiv
n riVu.ns, ilk
'l.lp'ers.
;! Inn I'ikI In lronl.1..
Ceorgie-Say, ma: typewriting aiu'l
like handwriting. Is It ?
IJeorgie's mamui.i .No, o-orgie. Why
do you ask?
ijeorglc 'Cause I heard papa down
to his office say to the typewriter:
"What .1 Imii ii r i fill hand."' -Cleveland
Plain I lea lor. 1
A man's worth doc ii.it depend on !
Inw much lie rushes, but on how much ;
reputable w urk he dot. j
l it a. mil litrltlrnU Oicurrlim the
or Id llvrr -Salng Unit Are' tier r
till lo Old or Von nil Knnnr
reli ction Unit I on Will Kiijny.
lie Followr I I lis Test.
Ha roll Sorry you eiiu't come In, an
Tiuiram. How was the sermon this
in.. ruing'.'
au Tlntrain I didn't hear the ser
mon, but the text was good.
Hai-oii Indeed! What was it?
.-in Tint r:i in It was that beautiful
passage, "He gleet h Ills beloved
sleep." Hrooklyn Life.
I". OS. I t.
F.lcauor Is It true, then, that Mrs
Hi. lilt starves her sertanls?
Nanette - Yes. She has heard that it
Is quite the swagger thing to have a
bu of family skeletons about lo house
to giio it tone, yon know. New York
.loiireal.
The l'oottiit-.2
"There, now!" tiled the hoy. as the
familiar tones of the harmonium broke
lite silliness of the night, "lliey are go
ing to slim dog's holiday."
Sing whi'i?"
'The dog's holiday."
"Who told you that, Abel?"
"Oh. that's what the minister always
says In chiirih: 'Now we will sing tlie
dog's holiday-.'"- Household Words.
A llml I'ltice.
I'eiiitis A i rah, Pat. and so tor. have
come back to .thay Why. didn't yez
loike il out V est In thai place where
yez bail such a good Job?
Pat -Oih. li s. no place for a Chris
tian moii. I'.iinis. There aln's a 1 1 v in
foul about th,. place that hasn't died
W ltl the tiiahiv i iiiiu Cleveland Leader.
The Whrrl en nah !.
vk-.M'.-:
-Fliegende Hlaetter.
All llarly llir I.
old I tit 1 1 i hi - What! Marry my daugh
ter? She Is a mere schoolgirl jeti
"Yes. I eatne early to avoid the
rush. "-.New York Tribune.
A Mi-rr Mmiic
He Cnrry-Why Is It that when a fel
low Is alone w ith a girl he loves they
Hchloin play cards?
Meriltt Itecimse If Ihey did she
would have lo hold her own hand. -Judge.
Fond nf r how.
She Women are fond of show. They
tilways like to show the tilings which
cost tlie most.
He That Is why they wear their
hats In the theater, I suppose; they
usually pay more for their huts than
they do for their hair.- Yonkers Statesman.
How It Divided.
Mudge oh, yes, we had a real lively
time, Simmons ami I. It tost us nearly
J.'iii.
Wick wire -Yen, I saw Simmons this
morning nml he told me he spent f ID.
-Indianapolis Journal.
O ip XV ny of lift tin a I'rnrt'rc.
Hoggs' Old Friend - Croat heavens,
man! Io 1 llml you reduced to play
ing a cornet on the street corner lo
make a living?
Hoggs - I ain't doing this to make a
living. My wife won't let me practice
lu the house.-Tit -Hit.
Another Trouble.
"The present trouble Is that there
are too many men for the number of
Jobs." said the amateur lecturer on the
situation.
"And that ain't all, mister," Inter
rupted I Ms inn 1 I aw son. "Another
trouble Ih that there Is too much work
lo the Job after a man gels It."-Indianapolis
Journal.
A UooJ Liar,
w w tf 7 " '
mm
s&5?
f-7
lidltor Are you the brainy genius
that has been w illing those seiisadoii
a Mores In the F.vetilng News?
Mr. Pad I'm happy to say I have the
distinguished honor.
K.llti.r Mr. Pad, I w ould like for you
lo name your own salary to remain In
my otlh e and handle the church notes
Mid not w rite n line.
Mr. Pad - How could you nffo-d to
bury such bright intellect?
Lditor I would be making money by
It. Ii takes my entire stnfT'i time go
lug around verifying your Infernal Ilea'
f.t tilalned at Laat.
Mr. Itoiin.lals'Ut tat the opera) -That
lady Is one of the "upper ten." Khe'
In the swim, yon know.
Mr. Country Cousin -Then I suppose
that Is why she has taken so much of
her clothe off.- Pick Me Fp.
An Kioenslva Tor.
"Hear alsuit that Amerbsn youn
woman paying f l.Ouo.UUO for a cigar
ette holder?
"Oet out!"
F t. I believe It also had a title
or aoRiviblng."-Cincinnati Epi
O
rtar.t tn Tlraae.
"There's the deacon praying for'
rain."
"Why. oi-.iy hut week he wa pray.
Ing for dry wiathcr."
"Yes; he's one man that Providence
can't please. If he were offered H
i hnrloi of lire lo go to glory In he'd
growl because ihey didn't throw lu a
garden hose to cool off with during tlie
route." - . tin urn t 'oust It ut Ion,
ftilrtlnii I he 11 1 a me.
The H ist - I am afraid, old man. that
the iiinner wasn't very satisfactory.
The I luest Well, old fellow, yon
must teiiicniber that you didn't know
I w ns coming -petroit Free Press.
lint Tttej Adjusted It.
tT nJ '
) Mf .Tsr.1
75
mis-
Mrs. Til. leal h loiispart Henry. I'm
not going to put up with this a I it
longer. I'll take the baby and go light
over to mot tier's.
Mr. Tlldeath Houspari - Yeah, an'
(hid I'll take th" Jewelry and ihlcl go
right over to my uncle's.
iMagrat-etl.
"Is that report li ne about the cashier
of the I'oiitldcticf bank committing sul
ci, IcV"
"It is. poor fellow. He was caught
when he had c mht-y..lcil only Jl.'-'""
The disgrace was more than he could
bear." Indianapolis Journal.
Ilia Ability.
I'udily You say that Hilgln gets n
salary of fln.iNHi. Ami there is posi
tively nothing In Hilgln; he Is not an
educated man and he has no natural
abilities.
I Middy lixcept the ability to gel a
salary of JIii.insi year.- Huston Transcript.
I nanprri-lated.
.liigsou I tried to play the new wom
an a compliment lust night lu my
speech, but It didn't seem to be appre
ciated. Itngson What did you say?
.lagsoii I aaid that the new woman
would leave large footprints In the
sands of lime. - Clips.
in
A llrllnltlnn.
Teacher James, can you tell
whnt Is men tit by a ruble yard?
.lames -1 don't know exactly, but I
suppose It's a yard that the Cuban
children phiy In.- Host on Traveler.
I.Kerallj Trna.
Fiinnleiis-I tell you, I nnd It pretty
hard wink turning out a column of
Jokm every day.
McCabe-Yes; there's no fun In lt.
I'lilladelphla North American.
A I liort Kentence.
Muggs - Hello, Cully, haven't ecu
you for a long time.
Sluggs-l'ee been up In de eoun'r
for two months. j
Muggs- I thought the Judge gave you
a year.
A Verbal IHatlnctlon.
"There are a great many men look
ing for work," said the philanthropist.
"Perhaps," said Senator Sorghum,
aa he laid aside a pile of letters, "but
It seeiiis to me there must be a great
iiiaiiy more looking for posit loin."
Washington Star.
Iiill.lcl Women. There are as many
prodigal mothers today as then, are
prodigal sons. I know tiiore lutbl- I
women than lull. lei men.-Itev C. 11.
Wool.fou. Hiiptisl, Philadelphia, Pa.
( ; rent ncss No matter from what
class of society a man springs he can
ls great, for, after all, greatm-.s Is but
goodness Itev. Lyman Abbott, I iiita
rlan. Now York City
Predestination. Licit human It-lug
Is by his I cry creation pteitestiued nnd
elected lo heaven, lu that ctery human
being is born with the eapabd 'les of
spiritual life.- It.-v. '!'. A. King. Swe
tlelitMirglau, I 'hi. ago. III.
The lllble.- The Itlble Is the great
let hook of humanity, lu American
history II has been the character of our
t It II liberties nud the source of our
high t lv illnt Lin Itev W. V.. Hoggs,
Presbyterian, Athens, tin.
Satan's Work. If you do ihc work of
thi del 11 you tire certainly bis child,
for the man that Is d.ad and lit slu
Satan has lb-ad llsh go with the cur
rent. Hn. tlsh against It. Itev. I. L.
Moody, Ltnngell.i. New Yotk City.
Creed. - We hate no right to reject
the fundamental basis of a creed ami
retain the denomination We should
be Intellectually children If we wish to
eat our cake nnd lo have It. Hot . Tim
othy Hrosuahan, Catholic, Hostoii,
Miss
Changing Cm lii.ions The Chris
tian Is not Jo. tilled In holding to the
constantly changing conclusions of sci
ence rather than lo Hie llil.lc Tin.
lllble does agree with science, bill may
not coincide w lib tilt Iiclii.ioiis of scl
ent itlc Investigation. Itev. Flank It.
Morse. Hap'1-t. New Yolk City.
Charitable Wage Faruers. Wage
earners must themselves be cldl.leil in
Hit1 services of those nearest llielii lu
their different stations In life. Why
should they not Is- made to feel the
obligation to sacrllb-e. If but u fraction
of their earnings for the Itcnotlt of their
fellows who are in danger of Us-onilng
paupers? ltnlibl lioitheil, Hebrew,
New York City.
Purity.-It would he easier to put the
scales back again on the wing of the
butterfly than to restore the purliy
that has been stained by vice. Samson
was the strongest man of his age, but
he could not break the cords of his own
lusls.- Itev. Hr. liutubart, Hapllsl. Ho
ton, Mass.
New Creeds.- Peddlers of new creeds,
dally offer ll their varnished wares,
but the cry "New lamps for old!" shall
not rob us of the Aladdin's lamp of the
old liospel. which has wrought all the
wonders of the Christian age.-Hev. W.
II. Morcland. Kplscopallan. San Fran
cisco, Oil.
Newspapcrs.-The newspaper dura
more toward the maintenance of the
prerogative of clti'.eiiHhlp than any oili
er luslrnincnlnllty. ll Investigates, sci
ence: It directs charily; It Is Ihe'bcst
auxiliary to the courts of law. Wrong
doers stand more In fear of the newa
piiMT than of all the anathemas of I ho
churches.- Hev. lr. Hyl ice, Kplscopa
llan, New York Clly.
Love. No ambition can take the
place of love. The man or w oman who
has a flue house, elegant equipages nud
not love Is to lie pilled. The man or
woman who has no equipage but a
baby carriage, whose Issiks are the
dally press, whose clothes are twice
turned, but In whose hearts Is love,
needs pity from no one. Itev. Lyman
Ahlsitt, Congregatlouallst, Hrooklyn.
N. V.
Followers of Christ. -Christianity Is
Christ. A Christian Is a follower of
Christ, lie Is one who adopted t tin
rule of life w hich Christ announced In
the Sermon on the Mount, and who
earnestly nnd honestly endeavors to
emlMidy it iu his dally speech ami con
duct. Christianity In Its essential
meaning Is the religion of Jesus Christ.
-Itev. C. 11. Katun, I'nlversallst, New
York City.
Kilrt-me Cruelty. j
He-So you reji'i't my proffered hand,
cruel girl? I have nothing more to livo
for. j
She- Oh, 1 don't know. The barn ilu
not chstc for half an hour yet.- Cluclu-1
natl Knqulrer.
Will Hhrlnli.
Moses Junior Fader, a Khcntlemanln
de shop vaiitH to know If dat all-wool
noiishrlnknble shirt will shrink?
Moses Senior-Hoes It lid him?
Moses Junior -No; it Is too big.
Moses Senior -Yah, Id v 111 shrink!
Tit Hits.
Not Ho Herloua.
"It's a very serious charge," said the
Judge," throwing a brick at the plain
tiff's head. Have you anything to say
before I send you to prison for a fort
night V"
The Hefendiint It was only half a
brick.
"In that case," said the Judge, "yor,
will be Imprisoned for a week."- Lou
toil Tit Hits.
M. ihanllon Nurses In Hlain.
Tin women of Slam trust their chil
dren ro the care of elephant nursed, sti,
It Is said the tniMt Is never betrayed.
The elephant, not Itclng susceptible lo
the charm of the sauntering police,
man, nor the sts-lnl claims of Its frlendi
and relatives. Is consequently able (a
devote Its entire iittcutlou to Its charge.
The tmhlcH play about the huge feet of
I he elephants, who are very careful
never to hurt the little creatures. And
If danger threatens the sagacious ani
mal curls the child gently up In lti
trunk and swings It up ami out ol
burin's way upon Its own Ixick.
Very Accommodating.
A young man from the country was
walking along a certain street In Phil
adelphia the other day, says the Lam
ret, when he slopped III front of au eu
glue house and looked In.
"Have you many fires In this town?"
he inquired of one of the llremeu stand
ing In the door.
"We have 'em pretty often," replied
the other.
"Ho you have to go to all of them?"
"No; not unless they're In our dis
trict, or there's a general alarm."
"Kver try to see how quick you can
hitch up?"
"tlh yes."
At that Instant there came an alarm.
At the first stroke of tlie gong the uieu
rati to their posts, Hie doors of the
stalls oHqietl, the horses ran out and
were quickly hitched to the hose-cart,
ami within a few seconds men, horses
and enrt were out of Ihc door and
speeding dow n the street.
Tlie young man watched the per
formance with undisguised admira
tion. "Well, now," he exclaimed, "that's
something like! There ain't many
towns lu this country where they'd go
to all that trouble to show a stranger
what they could do."
Microbes In Paper.
Since the medical Journals have re
cently agitated the public by discover
big that the puper In which food Is fr
queiitly wrapped U imrtlc iurly suited
to the constitution of the ubiquitous
microbe, Tegotablcpaivhmcut Is becom
ing' very popular, is It la recouuueuded
itu bygleulc ground.
The Comment.
"1 was telling Miss Cayenne about aa
ait-ldeiit with which I recently met," re
marked Willie Wlshlngtou, with a mel
ancholy lisik In his eye.
"ludecd?"
"Yes. I was getting off an electric
car. didn't realize how fast It was go
lug and lauded ou my hands Instead of
my feet."
"What did Mis Cayenne say about
It?"
"Not much. She merely remarked
that I had at last succeeded lu being
orlglual." Washington Star.
Ha Was Thief.
First Haliimaker-What are you cry
lint about? O
Second Kalumaker Somebody
Isseu stealing" my tuuuiler. New
Journal.
haa
York
i i
: l
: .
t0 "l humor iQ."