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About The Eugene City guard. (Eugene City, Or.) 1870-1899 | View Entire Issue (Aug. 29, 1896)
' jimiroe waa 'n ectHHl- of do She had secured n new cook nt Eost rtilU-uluiia wage. Of course, f Mj not told the Uew (jlrl, hut It was I, triit- that vile paid her not luilf l.i .ho hnd beeu compelled to pay cok who had Just U-ft her. Hut io Abulia Poller, a fresh, pleaannt ,;ured yotmie country girl, hnd np lj for the place aud had accepted L Jlouroe'a offer of 92 a week to l"l her new mint reus did not frl It necessary to mention that the fcUVred sum ai very low Indeed, (if course, you shall have more as Improve, Almlra, but yoitknow ko Se about fancy cooking I'scarcely hi? to pay you more at the start," i,. Mnnroe had, mulling sweetly on iilra, who (lhl not know that very llt ifmicy cooking wan ever done In that (M'liulil. And (to Almlra took up her irlHi. a ml for the first time lu uiue m yiur of her life began to earn lie Poller had always been farmers f owned their own pluce, but Al hi'i father had itoiiiehow maliBKed get behind and a mortgage had been pi-ur.l upon the farm. The man who Ui the mortgage wns very well satls- to receive a good Interest every (rami renew Peter Pollers' note, but tame to put that It was hard to pay n tli Interest. This partlculur year ! crops had mostly failed. It lacked t few weeks until the Interest was , tvlicu Almlra, the elilest or ttie ik-there were ten lu all made up uiind to go out "to service." Her ruiliiatlou created a great couimo p In the family. None of the Tollers pea had ever worked out, aud the was very distasteful, but Almlra jntuiilly carried the day. Had her cation been thorough enough she til. I ghully have taught school, but (little Pollers had appeared at such queiit Intervals that Almlra was ob jd to stay at home most of tin time assist her mother, aud her educu- was limited. e, not without some inwaru strug- , .ho had decided that the only way I cull Id help along would be by ex iling her chief gift, cooking. Mr, oroc's advertisement lu the Week Gazette had caught her eye, aud twas very happy when sho secured 'situation. The wages were not pe, hut site could save all the money ber father, and there would be olio tj to feed at home. That counted lonietlilug. rs. M unro's family consisted of hcr auJ a brother. Mr. Monroe had 1 several years before aud his wld iis quite wealthy. Her home, sli 4 In an aristocratic suburb of tue .J although small," was handsome well appointed, aud she had sultl- Income to keep It up well. Mis. iMe liked to call herself economic al! d we cannot deny she was In 4 things. She dressed elegantly leave largely to her church, but t never was a closer woman lu t respects than she. The shop peo Jrvnded to see her come In, for al- 111 she always purchased the be.st, nvarlably haggled at the price she got the goods for less than .r marked price. At the groceries : was the same way, and woe to the ervant who wasted a scrap of any lilng or presumed to eat more than le mistress thought necessary. After e first table Mrs. Munroe removed y delicacies she considered unueces- ry.for a servant's coarse appetite uiout the slightest compunction, r brother Tom, who paid a baud a sum for the prlv.Vge of sharing r borne, once saw this performance I remonstrated with her, but to no t "! would lie casting pearls before it," she remarked to his Intense tixr, as she replaced a dish of lem jl I y lu the closet and substituted a er of molasses. in ltlmey was one of those big ted convivial fellows who, left i more money than they needed, Wiled lu getting rid of It ln dlffer . ami unprofitable ways, lie was really bad. but he drank a good uiil never had done anything use in his life. Me had been put In 'tiler's otllce, but he was extreme veak lu his arithmetic, and slic ed In mixing up the figures so 7 that It took an expert to un le them. After that his father not tried to make a business man '.in, but said that as Tom had been out for a gentleman he should be it tills was exactly what poor Tom not cut out to be that Is, If we to the accepted meaning of the J a man of refined manners. He i horses and enjoyed the society horsemen; liked better to hear a 'at German girl slug funny songs 'he garden than to hear I'attl at Grand. If he ever yielded to his fa Importunities to accompany to s dauclug party he was sure to on his partner's toes, to tear their by his awkwardness, and drink much champagne at supper. In ! Tom, although kind-hearted and at, was very 111 at ease and out ' lace at society, and at last, after !tig himself ry conspicuous at a York dance, his sister vowed she 'i never ask him to go with her X She told him this very emphat ic the morning aftor the ball, o.t 1 left him to eat bin late breakfast orq was feeling very badly and In Wng In a severe case of "katzen inner," the result of too frequent vls to the punch bowl, but looked up ea Almlra came In with his break t and noticed that she was looking Vbat ts the matter, Almlra?" he t I'thlng. Mr. Tom." replied Aluiira, W toward the door quietly, yay there Is something wrong;1 ltb It. Almlra," continued Tom. g to help tier If sht was In trou A BLESSED MORTGAGE ble of any kind. Almlra m.t.. n.-. ,-, ply and Tom sprang up and obstruct eu tier way. "Say. you're working too hard, an Muter hleanor pay yu beastly small "ages, i it tie botiud. Maybe It's ; new gown or a hoimci i-mrm lug after eh, Almlra? Here, take thl and get It." Aud before Elinlru eouli speak the Impulsive Tom had plunge. his hands Into his pockets, brought out a lot of colu and pushed It luto uer hands. "How dare you?" she demaiided, so clinked Up she could scarcely artic tilate. "Have I ever given you any reason, Mr. 'loin, to treat me wl;h such dlsrespivt?" insrespcci : repeated Tom. very red aud astonished. "Do you think I meant any disrespect to i on, Almlra 1 I awenr I respect you more than auy oilier woman I know; I only thought you were pining for some of the pret ty things most girls like, ami why snouiiiu t l no some good with my useless money?" Almlra saw that he was honest In his speech and was appeased, but when he asked anxiously, "If It Isn't a gown or bat, what lu heaven's name Is It?" she burst luto tears, and for getting that she was Mrs. Mimr servant-gin ami mat Mr. Tom was her brother and a rich man, forgetting all save the trouble that was wearing on her and making her pale and thin she poured out her woe luto hi sym pathizing ear. She told him about the mortgage on their farm, how It had been renewed from year (o year when the Interest was puld. - They had grown so iuviib turned to that they had never thought of losing the place until Mr. Pollers, on taking the Interest so hardly earned and Increased by Almlra's savings, had been Informed that hi creditors need ed the money aud must have It on the farm. The blow had fallen like a chip of thunder from a clear sky. The thought of leaving the old homestead was In supporiauie, aim yet wnere could re let Pollers expect to raise the money to cancel the mortgage? Almlra told ber story, punctuated by solis, and Tom listened attentively. When she had finished, he asked, "Is It a large sum, Almlra?" "t)h. yes, Mr. Tom, f2,0U0!" she said, sadly. "Hum!" said Tom, pulling his mus tuche aud looking very hard out of the window. "Couldn't your father get some one to pay the uiau aud take up the mortgage? "Suppose suppose I take It up, Al mlra?" ventured Tom, still looking out of the window and getting very red agalu. Astonishment and rapture ap peared on the girl's face at his words. "Io you mean It, Mr. Tom? Oh, you are too good!" she cried. "Hosh!" said Tom, brusquely. "It's simply a good Investment. Pou't ac cuse me of being good, Almlra; I'm In corrigibly bad, I am. Hut" (hearing foottUcps approaching), "run on. I'll drive out and see your fattier to-day and get the mortgage." And without giving her a moment to express her thanks, he hurried on. Not long after this Almlra noticed that Tom was drinking steadily. He took what meals he ate at home alone, Mrs. Munroe declaring she would not and could uot lend him her countenance. The girt, as she waited on him, felt h great deal of pity for this man, who seemed so alone and was wasting health and fortune In d!sslatlon, and at hmt one morning when he was look ing unusually used up and his hands were trembling so that he could hardly hold his cup she again forgot the dif ference lu their stations and spoke out. ".Mr. Tom," she said, "I'm sorry for you." "What! Sorry for me? What do you mean, Almlra ? I'm having a Jolly good lime. A short life and a merry one I that's my motto. Almlra hook her head and looked at him steadily. "Do you never think how much good you might do Instead of throwing yourself Into little better than :i heant?" "Humph! That's pretty strong Ian gunge, I musi say, nc snmini. Hut It's true, Sir. I urn, If you Keep oti you'll sink lower ami lower oh, it s dreadful to think of It." Almlra shud dered as she picked up her tray and left the table. "Hold there," said Tom, "you don't understand It. Almlra. It's got such a hold on me. How can I shake It off? I've got no one else to help me If I try," and, wenkeiied anil iinnerveu as ne was, the tears ftarted to his eyes. "Tell me what to do." You can get down and pray to Ood to help you," sau Aimira, soiemuiy. and vou enn go to the cure. 1 hey say It's wonderful what riey can do. He a man, Mr. Tom. and try It." she urged. Tom sat Irresolute for a moment. then rose aud grasped her hand. "I will try," he said, "and If I come out ahead It will all be owing to you. Hut It will be hard, Almlra. I know, for I tried once, only I couldn't stick It out. Hut 1 11 try again. If only to show j-oll ne sioppeu aoruu. mm ii her hand and rushed out or tne room. If Mrs. Munroe had known that her brother set such value on Almlra I oi lers' good opinion she would have lieen horrltled. She reported that nroiuer Tom had gone to a sanitarium iH-eause she bad lectured him Into it, ami was quite satlstled as the week lengtneiieo Into mouths aim loin sun reui there. In truth he was having terruue fight with the demon who had so near ly claimed him as his own. But at last he "came out ahead, as ne nimvn plained It. When be returned Home ne win.-. straight through all the iianume room down to the kitchen, wnere Ai mira was alone at work. The look on bis face even before he spoke, told ber that ba bad cemjuertxl "Oh, I'm so flad.- aba fltrA M. ting ber toil-worn band Into the one ba held out. "I knew you could do If "You had faith In me. did you, Al nilra?" he asked, still holding her baud and looking curiously at her beaming face. Almlra nodded assent. "Well, I'm , red uow-wouldn't touch a drop of It If there were gallotia and gallons of the very finest flowing arouinl me. But will It last? I can't tell, and I've got to have somebody to help me If that dreaded thirst comes on again. I've got to have a wife who will love and believe in me and keep me from falling. You're the ouly one who had faith In me. Almlra, and you're the only one I want for a wife. Say yes, Alnnra." "(Mi, Mr. Tom," she cried, trying t, draw her hand away, "you can't menu It w -hy I'm only your nim,.!--, cook." "Tint has nothing to do with the case. You're the noblest girl 1 know, mid I want you aud only you. Can't you try to love me enough to marry m. Almlra? I ll try to be a good bus band, I swear." "How can I help loving you," mur mured Aimira. "I've uearly worshiped you since you lifted that heavy load from my poor father' tdioulders, and If you think I am good enough for you" "Put on your bonnet right away and we'll tlnd a license and a parson. Mrs. Munroe might say some things un pleasant things-to Almlra Pollers that lie would not dare to say to Mrs. Tom Blruey." And lu spite of Almlra's re monstrances she was marched off. and so expeditious was Tom that Inside of mi hour they were married. Mrs. Munroe, when she was notltled of the happy event, gave full sway to her rage lu the privacy of her own room. When kind friends offered con dolence site sighed and wiped a few Imaginary tears with her handkerchief. "Brother Tom waa always the blnck sheep of the family," she said. "Wo never could make a gentleman of him. I suppose we should lie thankfuf he's doue no worse. The girl Is really quite tapahle and may be able to keep him M might." The usual order of things was re- versed when Mrs. Tom Blrney on her wedding day made her fathers present. and It was nothing less than the mort gage ou his farm. Aud Almlra said, aa they all drew arouud the fireplace and watched It turn to ashes, that It was a blessed mortgage after all. for It led ber Indirectly to her Tom.-To-ledo Blade. ALMOST CERTAIN DEATH. The Gunner In the Tower Will He In Great Dan uer. In that coming naval battle between the steel fleets of two first-class powers, to which nautical authorities have be,eu looking forward ever since modern bat tleships became the mighty engines of problematical forces that they are, the military mast and fighting top will plav a deadly part and be the station of d in- ger and heroism. As everybody knows, the old mast. the mast of yards and sails, has van Ished from the modern shin of war. : The Newark Is the only modern ship In 1 the I'ulted States navy which has sail- carrying uiiisIh. The place of the mast ' that was erected for will-carry lug pu:- ' poses Is taken on the modern warship i by u steel tower, which rises from the deck to support oue or maybe three or four circular galleries, where rapid tire ' or machine guns are placed, which, In ! time of action, pour their hall of bullets I at the decks aud ports of the hostllo i tdiip. ' The object Is to kill the gunners, for . It Is relf-evldent that the most powerful gun Is powerless If Its crew Is dead. ; l ake the twenty rapid-lire guns distrib ute,! along the superstructure of tint : Indiana. From a fighting top such a storm of lead could he driven upon hese great gun ns would make It liu- possible for men to work them. There- ; lore II will be one of the first duties of i a warship to shoot away with Its heavy guns the military mast of Its adver-' jury. As one well-directed shot will send j the mast tumbling, It Is uot probable hat any ehlp will come out of an eu- ! gagement with its military mast stand- 1 ng. The shooting away of the mast will, of course, mean the death of every mnu In the lighting tops. Men sent there will know as they climb the dark j adder to meir siaiions nun n.ey go in flmost certain death, and will have ouly one duty before them, to kill as many of the enemy as they can before the rasa comes. Men who In turrets ami sponsous below are handling the great guns have every hope of life and victory before them, but the men in the tops go lo their duty wdth no such hopes and ex pectations. To man the fighting tops in action will be a kind of martyrdom especially hard to endure. To perform deedn of valor In the face of contending armies or to suffer with lortltude In the gaze of admiring thou sands Is one thing: to climb up calmly inside a steel post and work away at such an unpoetlcal mechanical device MICH (111 11 ill Mir low I no-, ii ii tin a I ,ii-,nc as a rapid-fire or machine gun un. such , time as It may dense the enemy to blow one Into "kingdom come" Is quite an mi er in ii if. i Yet the modern mau-of -warsman la ciithusiantlc over the advantages of the military mast, and would obey an order to man a gun In the fighting top aa read lly as be would the bugle call whichsum uioiis him to hia meals.-New York Press. Koldler Have a Might to Vote. In some of the European countrlea the line between the soldier and the citizen Is very sharply drawn, the former uot lelng allowed any of the rights or privileges of citizenship. In our own Isnd of freedom a citizen Is none the less so from the fact that he Is serving hia country In the army. Any suldler, on complying with the registra tion laws and In other way fulfilling legal requirements, has the same right to vote as though he were following the business by which he made his living Ix-fore he eullsted. "Do you have a telephone In your house?" "No; I sometimes have to work at the office at night, and If I had a 'phone at home my wife would call me up every thirty minutes to ace if I waa there."-Chlcago Beconl. Onboardateameblp: Pltkln-Brace up. old lH)y. Sessickueas ran We thrown off If you only think so. Simpson -Do you -see any one -throwing It ofX-faater than-I ani?-Detroit Free Tree, OF K EROSEMfL llruahetl Intoa Whirl, the Oil Cecum of Llielilrr l olor. How many housekeepers, as they till tbeir lamps with kerosi-ne oil or their summer stove with gasoline, have any Idea how these oils are made? Aud yet a few mile from Chicago, at Whiting, Ind., la the largest oil rentier) lu the world. Everybody know that lu Its crude state the oil come out of the earth, but It would be an utterly useless discovery were It not for brain aud money used In the retlulug of the raw material. By use of the brains aud money, however, uot only the clear oil, but several other product are drawn from the crude ma terial. Naphtha, benzine, gusollue and kero sene, the last often called coal oil or Illuminating oil, beloug to the same family. The three first named being lighter oil, do uot require nearly so much handling to bring them to perfec tion a the keruseue. This, of course, I easy to believe, but wheu It Is said that from the same crude oil. after all the lighter oil have been distilled out, wax I made so closely resembling the product of the bee a to deceive even an expert and that It Is used lu chewing gum factories, candle factories, laun dries aud even lu candy factories, one Is often met with a polite look of doubt or an Incredulous shrug of the shoul ders. Y'et It Is so. It Is possible to go yet further, and say that hundred of homea In Whiting aud In Chicago have been made comfortable thl winter by tbe refuse that adheres to (he bottom and aide of the "stills" after even the wax hn been pressed out. Thl refuse make a good coke, I easily lighted, and I warmer, cleaner and cheaper than coal. Hundreds of ton are re moved from the stills dally before lliev are "charged" again, and hundreds of those who use this fuel do not know that It was once crude nil, dug In the Ohio fields and piped on lo Whltlnc. The car lion used In electric lights Is also made from this coke. Nothing Is wasted. Aa the most common the kerosene 1 oil Is perhaps the most Interesting of the products. After leaving the crude still It appears again lu the "sweeten ing stills." or In the "compound cylin ders," which perforin the saUie wor as the sweetening stills, but is a newt Invention, and Is patented by au out sider, who allows only forty In each refinery. The "sweeteners" form an Important factor lu the refining of Ohio oil. Owing to the "compound" before mentioned and the continuous friction of the Immense wire brushes, which keep the oil lu a mad whirl. It loses uiucb of It bad odor. It Is again va pored off, cooled In the condenser Isixes and passed off Into the "steam stills" for the next process. Iu the steam stills It Is treated just the same aa lu the two previous proc esses, with the addition of a washing rlV sltau 11 flTVMM i.fn.M imt It I m.y lis ln throuch It. It I. "vsooLr nft - before, aud now one would suppose that It waa ready for use. Not quite. Tbe kerosene oil uow passes Into Hie agitator for tbe final process. The agi tator la a funnel-shaped tank in which the oil Is treated with add. and l-eaten and blown altout by a machine called a blower, and washed by torrents of water until It roars like the lake In a storm. Kvery particle of foreign mat ter Is thus expelled. It Is then pumped off Into the storage tauka for shipping. Chicago Tribune. Hr.dln Off the Train llol.ber. Th. latet-t patent Invention for the' circumvention of the Iralu robber !,h i distinctly vicious look. It Is taken for granted that the train robbers will climb up over the cross head guides, steam chest, and running Ixxird, so in ... ttnnL tho j,al, ,.f I. u u, I a .... the friint side. As they reach the n...- i nlng-board tbe engineer loisieim a i catch; the runnliig-lrds, hung -in ! Mn.r. sat trli.ilf txxtlm .!,. .. vertical position, and the enterprising i robber Is wedged, In great discomfort, botweu the hoards and the Isiller. Spikes are fixed In the edge of the run ning board, which prevent him from extricating himself, and tbe more be tries to get away the more tightly he become Jammed. At the same time that the engineer springs the catches of the runnliig-lioards steel shutle.s ilmn ailfonistlrflllv almut tint m-ImiIiiiv of tm cbi tnJ t r(Mir ,hf ,h(. nlnpo. ,nd ri.II1Hn fl.iiv lim. tected from any bullets Incident to the cperatlons of such of the robbers a urj uot cared for by the running-boards. Steam pipes having suitable discharg ing nozzle are situated by the Intrud er. These pipes are conected to tbe eug'.ue boiler, aud their contents of hot water and steam can be directed with great effect I veinena against the enemy. Similar devices are provided upon both the tender and the express car. The Bicycle In the Future. Has anybody, we wonder, thoroughly realized the change that will come ov r the appearance of our cities when every body use a bicycle, and almost all trac tion la mechanical I Here will be a -- - - - - d el, clous .euce. to begin with. So lumbering van, no banging omulbusea, uo clattering of Iron hoofs uion asphalt. Every wheel will be of India rublier o"d the horse will only be us.d for pleasure. Then the dust sweeper and ' tbe scavenger xy will lie abolished. No longer will Ion of manure be de posited upon Iondon streets every day. And locomotion will lie enormously cheapened. When neither horse nor harness, neither corn nor vet. 'a bill. Is required, a ride In a cab will cost per haps threepence, and a ton can le car ried from farm to market for a shilling or two. The city merchant and b'.s clerk can alike live miles out of town, steering themselves home at night !n their motor cars. The suburb of Lon don will extend a dozen miles all round The changes tltat will ensue are so many and so great as to le uiilmaglua-' ble yet. A revolution U coming -may; It le aoou! Ixndon Chronicle. i A Horj ant Its Moral. Just aa a Mount Sterling family had j sat down to dinner w hlle the head of the family waa saying grace a hungry ! tramp stole the pan of biscuit out of the stove. Morsl: You should watch aa well a , pray.--Wlncheater iKy.) Democrat. ; la a Modern Llsht, Ber.ved Husband -Ah, yes; she wa a ray of light In my ilarkeiied life. Sympathetic Frlend-Aud now, alaa! b ia an X-ray.-Wasblngtou Time. MANUFACTURE j PERSIAN DINNER PARTY. Oarst Squat on ! Hoor anj Kill In Hurrjr. When the Persia u host think that the entertainment has lasted long enough, he give the signal for supper, which I served cither lu the same or lu another room. A cloth I laid on the door, around which are arranged the long, tint cake of "plbble bread" which do double duty a food and plates. Tbe meat, consisting for the niot part of "Pilaw" and "cbllaw" of dif ferent sort, are placed In the center, together w ith bowl of sherbet, esch of which I supplied with a delicately carved wooden spoon, with deep, boat shaped bowl, whereof the side, slope down to form a sort of keel at l he hot torn. The gilesls squat donu on their kuee aud heels round the doth, the host placing hi in whom lie dcMri-s most to honor on hi right side at the upper end of the room (I, e., opposite the doorl. At the lower end the musicians aud minstrels lake their places, and all, without further delay, commence an attack on the viands. The consump tion of food progresses rapidly, with but little conversation, for It Is not usual In Persia to linger oer meals, or to prolong them to talk, which Is Im-i-ter conducted while the mouth Is not otherwise employed. If the host wishes to pay apcelal honor to the guest, he pick out aud places In his mouth some particularly delicate mor sel. In about a quarter of an hour from the commencement of the ha liquet most of the guests have finished and washed their hands by pouring water over them from a metal ewer Into a plate of the same material brought rouiid by the servants for that purpose. They theu rinse out their mouth, roll down their sleeve again, partake of a final pipe, aud unless they mean lo stay for the night, depart homeward, either on foot or on horseback, preced ed by a servant liearlng a hintou. Pittsburg Bulletin. I' sea of Ice aler. In health no one ought to drink let water, for It has occasioned fa in I in flammation of the stomach and bowels, and sometimes sudden dcttlh. The templatlou to drink It Is very great lu the summer. To use It al all with safe ty the person should take but a single wallow at the time, take the glass from the ll for half a minute, aud theu another swallow, and so on. It wla be found that lu this way It be comes disagreeable after a few moulb- 'Uls. Klne Krult Crop. Ou the other band, Ice Itself may lie Hewsmi Say, what do they raise lu taken as freely as possible, nol only these New York roof garden, without Injury, but with the most strlk-1 Newson-Peaches, my dear boy; some tng advantage lu dangerous forms of of thu loveliest "peaches" In the vaude dlseuse. If broken In size of a pea or villi huslucsn.-Philadelphia North bean and a fallowed as freely as prc-! American. ncaoie, wiinout miicli chewing or crunching between the teeth. It will often be efficient In checking various kinds of diarrhea, and has cured vio lent cases of Asiatic cholera. A kind of i cul,,lon of Powdered Ice kept to (he entire scalp has allayed violent Inflam matlon of the brain, aud arrested fear- . ful convulsions Induced by loo inn -h ! , blood there. In croup, water as cold aa Ice can make It, applied to the throat. I I "a '''T' V or very often affords an almost miraculous I relief, and If this be followed hy drink ', lug copiously of the same Ice-cold ele ; inent, the wetted purls wiped dry, mid i the child wrapped up well lu the bed j clothes. It fulls Into a delightful and life-giving slumber. -New York Ledger. . "T'T ,? 1,1 H''r""- , 1S'P ,',,"'d ""'M .'"' M, d only visit lo Kongl-at, and Lord Bath said afterward that he was "the dullcnt (the word, write the Can in lu a subsequent letter, was rath I er tho 'most siletit'l guest he ever had lu bis house; he hardly ever spoke." ,l 'ul;",'J ,-'rJ ' -aconsfield could ,'T '"' """ i ueedid apparently the stimulus ! of congenial comianlouhlp, or of some ",ld "hM V" wor"' all accounts, he was given to fits of tac iturnity, ami although he waa known In hlM youth as a voluble and persistent talker. It was Imptmslhle to watch his aphlnxllke Immobility In the House of Commons, sitting with folded anus and seldom speaking, without feeling that silent meditation waa more natural to him than speech and tho turmoil of de bate. And that seem lo have been his own oplulou. One of those who heard Iord Bath's remark on the silence of his distinguished guest was Mr, Itlch ard Doyle ("Dicky Doyle"). "I believe," he srild, "thai talking was always more cr less of an effort for Disraeli; and, Indeed, he once told me as much. 'Cir cumstances,' he said, 'have forced me to talk a great deal, but nature Intended me to be a allent man."' ContemK. rary Itevlew. Here 1 the Hoorctier. Here la the definition of a scorcher from Capt. McNamara of the park po lice force of Brooklyn, which I the scorcher' home; "The eorcher," said he, "1 never older than 'A and seldom younger than IN. We bare him under arrest alxnit six times a week. He Is . , ... , . .l, , " b n-Js we w eyed Idiot, with hia back bumped like a mad tomcat's tall, who tear down the path with uo regard for the safety of other. He I uearly alway long In tn. leg aud thin. Somehow or other, your fat man la not much ou acnrching. When he la very young we hope he w III outlive Ihe habit, but when he la 1'3 we have no pity for him." tha Had Him There. PetlK Piishalong -You know Die pro erb, .ma'am: "She the! glveth lo the poor au' uufortuult lendeth to Ihe U.rd." Mrs. Sliarpley You are a lover of proverbs, I ace. Pet le -Yes, mu'am. I wuz brought up on 'em. Mra. Hharpley Then, perhaps, you are familiar with the old saw? Petle What old saw, ma'am? Mr. Sliarpley The oue Itehliid (he wood-house door. I But he wa gone. Cleveland Plain- de ler. A "clentlet. Duffer (proudly) Miranda, I believe there I a big future for our Tommy. He must learn thing In a practical way, aa well a from books. M.n. D. Ixtr. John! I understand. Isik at Ihe darling this minute In the roalruttl, Chip. atudylng minereaiogyl- i We contend that nothing look worse 1 than shii ou a man pants. LET US ALL LAUGH. JOKES FROM THE PENS VARIOUS HUMORISTS. OF I'lrasaal Incident Oiciirrla the World Over- talaa tbat Are Cheer ful ta Old or Young - Funny telcctlona thai Vou Will Knjnr. Phort Hup pi r. Clergyman lalsini to baptize an In fant) Name the child. Ka tlier Charles Kinilliis Otto Philip Ferdinand I.ehmann. Clergyman inside to apparitor) -Please fetch mt a little more water. Scherx mid Prnst. Luck. Mrs. Hllby- (iiKHluess! What luck thai Willow Woman has! Old Hllby-What's happened now? "Why, she's actually got the St. Vi tus diliu-e." "And you call that luekV "Certainly. Just think how I must make her diamonds sparkle."-Odds nd Kiuls. Uulte Impossible. Klder Sister-1 hope I made myself quite plsln to Lord Soften when I re fused him last week. Younger Ditto (who glories In her elder sister's beauty! You would never I able to do that, old glrl.-Kuu. he Didn't Like Hons, Mr. White Wash - De dog woau burl yo'. I loan yo' see hi tall er waggln'? Mis Irene-Hut list's Hot de end I 'so , 'f raid lib. Good Advice. "Say, I've had an offer to go lo work for a Chicago wholesale house. What would you do If you w ere In my shoe?" After a careful lus.ictloii-"l think I would black 'em." Hock ford Itepubllc. A Wonder. Customer Say, Shears, Dint last suit you niado me was a nine days' wonder. Shears How' that? Customer-Well. I don't care to wear It any longer.-Washington Times. In the wlm. Kiln - I hear that Mr. De I.lon Is right lu the social swim w hen he's at home'.' Kva Yes, he's Instructor In a nalato rlum there. Derroll Free Press. Overwork. Polite doctor (cautloiisly)-Your hus band Is Mirroring from overwork or ex celj Indulgence In alcoholic atliuu lanta-lt la (ahem) a little dllficult to tell which. Aiixloiut wife-Oh, It' overwork. Why, he can't even go lo the theater w Ithout rushing out half a doze'i limes lo see his busbies partnes. -New York Weekly. Man' Kuotlam. Lady I It true tbat you have fallen lu love with the princess? Lieutenant - lulte right. I Just want ed to see for once how hopcles loo leels.-l-'llegende Blaetter. The W idow. Pretty Widow (lo pressing suitor) Well, Harry, I suppose must share your troubles. Harry But, dear, I hnve uo troubles. P. W. Oh, but you will have w hen we're married. DRIFTING. How ale 11 Is (o drift along, While resting op your oars; To hear your sweetheart' dreamy souf Be-tvhoed from the shore. Ksrb rlppl form s melody, Each plsb glaJooi Dote, At th Asrlum. Physician-You say that lunatic la a married man. How do you know? Assistant-II waa found roaming about lu a dry-good store, niuoibllug: "Yard of crvM,u, spool of silk, bathing suit."- Adam Freeman. Hoar Jlnalloue Deterioration. Star toarder-Why Is a great singer like an "old salt?" Cheerful Idiot - I localise she makes her money on the high C'.-Detroit Journal. Iluaruall Term. ft !W a "Three bulls." Very Particular. Butcher-Have you any order '.Ids morning, madam? Young Wife (who Is keeping house! Yes, that calf's liver you brought mo last week was very fine. I want sn ot her but be sure and get It from the same calf, au my huslmud la very par ticular. Texas Sifter. A Fountain. "Here Is a fountain pen, sir," the dealer, "that we guarantee said will never dry up." "What do you call It?" The Jim Corbel t, air." Columbia Register. Maht Hadlnaae. "Why." aald the match, with some warmth, "do you make light of me?" "Because," answered the man, "I like to see you flare up." Answer. Kind of Him, Kdltor (to aspiring writer) You should write so that the most Ignorant can understand what you mean. Aspirant Well, what part of my par agraph don't you titidcrsinud, sir? Tit Bli. Ji al t' a Fame. the devil to pay "There" at my house." "Belter go to church theu." "Well, there the preacher lo iay.' Atlanta Constitution. The Devil's W ife. "Do you think the devil Is married f "I guess so." "Whom would he be likely to mar ry?" "Some flame of his, I suppose." Ex change. Had Keen to Ih Circus Mother Why, what' Johnnie? Johnnie Sutler won't hoard an' let tuo frow her. Boo - boo- mini. Ihe matter, stun' aglu de knlve arouu Taken to I'nkrr. "ItMs astonishing how ninny school children have taken to card playing. "What do you mean?" "Why, I passed a group In front of a Bchoolhouse yesterday, aud nearly every oue said '1 passed.'" -Cleveland Plalndealer. Forlous. "Mr. Crcen, there seems to be some thing serious the matter with the horse I bought of you yesterday. He cough ami wheexe dlslresslngly ami 1 think perhaps he I wind broken. What would you advise me to do?" Jay lireeu iproiuptlyl Sell him ns quickly us you can; Jo' like I dld.-Tld-Blls. Fmarlnraa. Lakeside What baa liecoine of Hint fresh otllce kid of yours? Wabash Oh, be waa too fly entirely. Why, do you know, he worked me regu larly every three days for more than a month hy getting off lo goto ball gamea on the plea that be wanted lo go to hl mot her' a weddlug?-Clnclnuntl F.n qulrcr. II till I'rasy, Attorney What waa then about the deceased that led yull to believe he was of unsound mind? Witness-Well, for one thing, he nl horrcd bicycle.-Philadelphia North American. Ws wish wt could Ik a preily g'rl dressed lu while and blue, and find dollar on the streets. Which seem to liilerniiiii;!e With Ihe Diiuic from ber throat. But when you drift upon the ssml, ; Fares ell to tongs of lore; You her your weethesrt' trrn Com maud: "Nosr, dear, get out aud hove." '.TV 3$ It IS a