EUGENE CITY GUARD.
U L. CAHFBKLlt, . . rrep-rleter,
EUGENE CITT. OREGON.
CHICAGO RESTAURANTS.
Am DenMt lUa Who WuUd to P.y tral
Couldn't,
On or tbe Washington writer who cam
on to do th oonvenUoa bad labored bard on
Sunday and Sunday night After bli work
be oonciuded to ouol bit feverish palate with
a Bias of Gambrlnu' own and cheese
sandwich. 11 repaired for Mil purpoae to
place oo Clark it met and began quietly to
partalc of bli refroshmenUl
"Have yoa a napkin r be ukod of
waiter.
"Whatl" ihrleked tbe waiter.
"A napkin."
"You v Ipe yourself mlt Tour balnd. V
don'd keep no napkin In here."
Tbe Washington man proceeded wltb bli
lunch. A few minute la tor tbnre waa row
to the front end of tbe nous. Sixteen wait
er bopped upon one man. Some of then
waiter bad bottle and on of them bad
cbeew knife about a Ions at man' arm.
Th chap who bad waited on tbe Washington
eorreapondont joined In the fracas, and tar
ried In the fun o long that tbe Washington
man could Ond uo one to accept bla quid pro
qua tie at but oonciuded to go out at a tide
door and tbu avoid being tuinmoned a
wltne to a aoloon row. lie got out Into tbe
allay and waa driven back by tbe crowd, but
waa (till unable to engage tbe attention or tin
chap who bad waited on blm, and finally
went out of the front door, leaving bil bill
unpaid. II Rent to bl room, whore, during
th remainder of tbe night, be taw nothing
but the eleam of a cbeen knife and an In
furiated mob. On Monday be went back to
tb place and explained to the bead man bow
be bad gon away the night before, leaving
bla bill unpaid.
"1 dont pellev It," said tb bo "I nefor
bad man do dot vay before. Yon vant to
blay me a thoak. You gld rigtd avay owd
so quick aa dot, or 1 call m bbake and dor
sheaeknlfa. und w half ome mora fun. bid
owd. You wat a dolcgodo, I pet you."
"Then I can't payf sold th bonert man
from Washington.
"No, you can put Ik In der dot wid der
scale un veieb youmlf by teeing it go. But
1 dont tola nuddine from you. It would
hoodoo dur pltua" Chicago MaiL
Candy That Didn't Go Dow.
Georgo Harmon, mnnBgor of Contra
Music ball, li Tory fund of candy, lie U
seldom without a box of bon bona on his
dealt. George lias many callers and they
all help themselves to hU randy, so he
finds he does not get many swoctmoats
himself in the long run. lie pays for th
candy all the some, and this calling busi
ness lias worried him for some time. The
other day he unbosomed himself to his
friend and neighbor, Mr. Doles, of whom
ad buys his candy, and he told him his
plight. "I'll fix it," said Doles; and he
made up a box of very inviting looking
bon bona from common bar soup. Those
George put on his desk. The tint man
to call was Will Shafer, of the Audi'
toriuin hotel. He picked up a bon bon,
aaid "Good morning," sput it out, and
then Ilunuou said: "Good morning!
Have you used soap?" Will said he bad,
but he would never do it again. Joe
Oliver, of the People's, was the next vis
itor, lie took a piece of the alleged candy
and then turned pole and wont out
Dut the victim Harmon was waiting
for his hated rival, Adonis Georgo Fair,
of the Iluyuinrket Finally Fair dropped
la "Ah, me .boy, those look lovely," he
said as he bit into an alkaline bonlion.
For a moment his face paled, and then,
rather than look like a sucker, he bravely
downed the rest of the soapy candy.
He did not care to award Harmon the
laugh on him, and he made his bluff
stronger by calmly chowing a second one
of the bogus creams. This was too
much, however, and as he talked with
Harmon the soap began to gut in iU
deadly work, and Fair began to froth at
the mouth. Hu hastily ruHhed toward a
West Bide car, and was so mud that he
thought the man wits getting personal
who handed him a handbill announcing
an important meeting of the "Lathers'
Union" that evening. Now Harmon can
put the choicest confection on his desk
and have them all to himself. Chicago
Herald.
Longevity of Animal,
The average age of cats is 93 years; of
quirrols and hares, 7 or 8 years; rabbits,
7; a bear rarely exceeds SO years; a dog
lives 80 years; a wolf, 20; a fox, U to 10;
lions are long lived, the one known by
the name of l'ompey lived to the age of
70; elephants have been known, it is as
serted, to lire to the groat ago of 400
years. When Alexander the Great had
conquered I'orus, king of India, he took
a great elephant, which had fought very
valiantly for the king, and uiuued him
Ajax, dedicating him to the sun, and let
him go with this Inscription: "Aloxau
der, the son of Jupiter, dedicated Ajax
to the sun." Tho elephant was found
with this inscription 800 years after.
Pigs have been known to live to the
age of 0, and the rhiuoceros to 20;
borne has been known to live to tho age
of 03, but average from S3 to 30; camels
sometimes live to the age of 100; stag
are very long lived; sheep seldom exceed
the age of 10; cows live about 13 years.
Cuvier considered it probable that whales
sometimes live 4,000 years; the dolphin
and porpoise attaiu the ago of 40; an
eagle died at Vienna at the age of 104;
ravens frequently roach tho age of 100;
swans have been kuown to live 000 years.
Mr. Malerton has the skeletou of a swan
that attained the age of 200 years. Peli
cans are long lived; the tortoise has been
known to live to 107. Journal of Health.
A Leeeua in Manners,
That the manners of our fathers is not
our is well enough understood, and the
phrase "of the old school" ha come to
be used rather aa a reproach to the de
generate present generation. An old
lady who belonged to the times when
courtesy was perhaps more general, as it
certainly was more elaborate, than it is
now, administered rather neatly a rebuke
to a lad who did not come up to her ideas.
She had known the boy's father wheu
ha was in Harvard, as now waa the sun.
and as the latter could hardly remember
his parents, who died in his infancy, be
was always eager to learn all be could
about them.
Tbe youth was invited to call npon the
Old Udy, who is now beyond the-torm set
by the Psalmist for man s life, at a conn
try place one day last summer, and had
an interview with her npon the wide
Veranda, where she waa sitting when be
arrived. He lifted his hut, and thon, re
placing it upon bis head, went on talk
ing with the old dome, who regarded
bim with looks of disapproval
"Do I look like my fatheri" the young
man aked at length.
"I cannot tell," the old lady rejdied,
dryly. "I never saw bim with his hat
on when be talked with a lady."- ' '
U. S. SENATE PAGES.
Bright Lot of Boys, One
Son of a Senator.
the
They Can Only Serve Between the Ages
of Twelve and SUteea-Wh.t They
Think of Leading Nenators-Well
Paid and Very Ambition.
COPTBIOUT, 1890.
HAT if the
Senate page
should
strike?"
The ques
tlon was
once asked
by a gentleman who
sat besido me In tbe
United States Sen
ate gal lory and noted
how heavily the
Senator loan on the
fourteen little fel
lows who perform
- .1 I i V. T .nAMA rt lilm lA
said, that such a strike would stop the
whf.nL of flnvnrnment: and so it m Bbt
if there were no means of filling the : ii
pisses of the strikers, for presumably , n T nd ra "
very few of toe Senators would know tonoe it Is as easy as rolling ofl ' the
where to go or, what to do to procure traditional log. I met the boy alto
the documents, etc.. for which they ! sher a few moments before the Sen
keep the pages running. But about tbe was called to order. When they
nanlll and in th .(..eral dnnartmonts
of publie life In Washington there are
enough men ot National renown who
began their political careors as pages to
fill tbe places of all these boys; so
Wbat if the Sonato pages should
strike?
Tbe Government would go right on.
Tbe number of famous men who once
were pages seems to warrant tbe pre
sumption that embryonic greatness is
now scampering about the Capitol in
knickerbockers, running errands, per
haps, for men not fit to bear its shoes.
Surely this is excuse enough for devot
ing a little consideration to the pages
of the Senate.
Four years is the longest term a boy
may serve as pago, since be is eligible
to the oftlce only between tbe agos of
twelve and sixteen. In the Son ate
there are fourteon of those boys, under
tbe immediate direction of Alonzo II.
Stewart, a young man of noarly twonty
fABPH. uhn four VAftra airn nlnued hi
career as a page and Is now attached
to tbe Sorgeant-at-Arm under tbe title
of Mossonger on the Floor of the Sen
ate. Hut this chief page and all bis
assistants are under the supervision of
Captain Isaao Itassott the venorable
assistant door-keeper, who has served
continuously as an attache of the Sen
ate since he . was appointed a pago,
flftv-sovon vears airo. bv Daniel Web
ster's request. Captain llassott wltb bis ,
long white hair and beard, Is the most
trilling figure on the Senate floor,
and if any man is indispensable
there it is he. In the matter of cere
monials ho is the authority on whom
Vico-President, Presidents pro tempore
of the Sonato and all the oflioers
and members of that august body bave
to rely. For more than half a century
he bas kept a memorandum book at
band and made entries of all those acts
wbiob were likely to be useful as prec
edents. When death strikes a Senator
down, or any thing else ot an unusual
character happons, the presiding ofllcor
of the Sonato turns to Captain llassott
who sits on his left, and is informed as
to what is the conventional modo ot
procedure under the olrcu instances. It
Is said that Captain Itassott bas, during
all those years of sorvlce in tbe Sonato,
kept close momorandaot such speeches
nd acts as bave marked events in our
country's history. He can toll the pro- j
otso spot where Webstor stood whon he
made any one of his famous argumonts;
here Sumner sat wbon be received tbe
blow which hoi pod tbe cause ot emanci
pation along; whore evory word was
said and evory act performed which has
bad direct bearing on the great events
of this last half oontury. Dut he Is as
uncommunicative as the Sphinx, and as
for bis memorandum books, be would
no more let a newspaper correspondent
look at one of them than he would will
ingly sever his connection with the
Sonato.
The fourteen Senate pagos are all
bright, interesting lads. Harry Long,
MoKee Coehrano and Albert Mackey are
the seniors. They bave served three
yoars. And Warner Moody and red
happelor are tbe juniors. Warner
Moody is tbe son of Senator Moody, of
TUB 1NTKUVUW Art OH Kl.
South Dakota, and Is a peculiarly inter
esting, not to say charming, little fel
low. He is a quaint, falr-halrod child,
whose delicate physique and sweeti
gentle manners bring Oliver Twist con
stantly to mind. Ills sppcaranoe is that
ot a boy I bad almost said a girl of
seven or eight years, but bis precision
ot speech and his quiet old-fashioned
wsys together wltb bis precocious judg
ment make blm scent more than a
child.. He Is the sort of lad that moth
ers can not meet without having an Ir
resistible impulse to snatch blm up and
kiss him. With as much solemnity as
any Senator In the chamber he Ac
knowledges the fitness of the sobriquet
which the older pages have fastened to
him the Little Lady from Dakota and
without a trace ot offense accepts th
title as his own.
Fred Ksppeler Is also a diminutive
lad of thirteen, but I a more ru fired,
boyish chap. He acknowledge Hubert
Porter, tbe superintendent of census,
as bis patron saint. Fred was born la
Switzerland, but In tbe seven years of
bis residence la America all trews of
his mother tongue have been obliter
ated from his English speech. He is
well aware that It would take an amend
ment of the constitution to make bim
eligible to the Presidency, but be very
contentedly assert that there Is noth- j
ing to hinder blm from becoming a Sen- J
ator, and ao far at, bis observation goes ,
I Senator lsmoreto.be envied than a
President, tor all a Senator bas to do is
to "spat his hands and the pages a
all the work for him." Fred answers to
tbe name ot Swipes and ssys be is sure
It will never offend bis dignity, not
I even when he becomes a Senator, to be
known by that pseudonym.
In the bestowal of nicknames the
pagos seem to delight in contrariety.
For example, McKne Cochrane, who is
ot an extreme blonde typo, is called
Ethlope, and Albert Mackey, whose ex
ceeding generosity has made blm tbe
favorite of the group, is called Sbylock.
Events In the careors of the boys also de
termine their nicknames, as in the esse
of Logan Harris, a handsome little fel
1 low wltb bright, twinkling eyes, who Is
called Pie because when be was being
initiated to the secrets of page etiquette
be was informed, and he believed, that
it was bis conventional duty to buy a
round of pie at the Senate restaurant
for all of tbe other pages, lie bought,
along with this experience, the name
1 which will not leave bim, at least until
he quits the atmosphere of tbe Senate.
I To "intorvlow" a Senator who has
nothing to say bas been sdjudgod by
newspaper men a Pf u!
' w uu- "uv l" '
warned Ulttt 1 wauwu vue.r wpuiuu.
THK INTERVIEW RKFUHHD.
concerning Senators they began to push
and crowd and chatter all at once. The
atmosphere was full of opinions. Had
I been fourteen stenographers wltb a
full complement of ears I could not bave
beard and preserved all that tboy told
me. Evory one of thorn talked louder
and faster than all the rest and each
tugged at some portion of my apparel
to attract my attention to wbat he bad
to say. The frankness ot those boys.
tbelr willingness to declare an honest
eagerness to "talk for publication," set
the unaffected little fellows far above
some men of note whom I have known
men who, wblle manifestly no loss
eager, surround themselves with sham
barrlors and Bit behind them sorely dis
appointed if the interviewer does not
soe tho sham and knock the barriers
down pan talooned Polonlusos who can
not play upon tho pipe, yet seek to play
upon the Journalist.
Out of tho clamor I managed to snatch
a few facts first, the general fact that
good footing prevails be twoon tbe Sen
ators and tholr pages, and thon some
specifications as to individuals. Sena
tor Stanford was unanimously declared
to be an able statesman and a groat man
because each year be gives them all an
entertainment at his house, whore he
distributes presents, and then because
he gives a bright orlsp S3 bill to each
pago every year. Dut as the chatter
wont on this was found to be a oompll-
mnntary ballot. Senators Manderson,
Vance,. Reagan, Qorman and Davis
soemed really to be the most gonoral
favorites of the boys, and Senators
Ransom, Dixon, Moods Ilutlor and
Mandorson were declared to be the
handsomest men In the Senate, Tboy
give also to Senator Dutlor tbe credit of
being tho most polite and elegant gen
tleman In the chamber. Senator Gor
man is Ukod bocsuse he once was a page
blmsolf and has not forgotten It
"Ho Is always good naturod," said one
of tho llttlo follows, "and often tolls us
storios about wbat he used to do when
he was a page. I guess he was a ripper,
too." This last remark was Intended
to be a sort of cap for a climax of com
pliment
Senator Vest Is not gonerally a favor
ite wltb tbe boys. Indeed, the young
sters passed unmistakable censure upon
the very vigorous language he some
times uses toward them, and they as
sert openly that they would rather be
doing something elso when he snaps
bis lingers for a pago. One ov the boys,
however, thinks Senator Vest Is a pret
ty good sort of a man. MoKee Coch
rane was ono day rushing at breakneck
speed to do tne bidding ot some other
Senator, whon, darting outot the cham
ber, he plumped squarely into Senator
Vest and knocked breath enough out of
him to make raw material for half a dot
en Fourth of July orations. The Sena
tor saved Just enough to supply the sur
rounding ambience with a deep blue
tint and an odor ot sulphur. The boy,
who thought his hour had oome "for
surely" this time, slunk back under
Captain llassett's protecting arm and
tremblingly awaited to hear his doom
pronounced. Instead ot declaring war,
however, Senator Vost at once began to
manifest a decided interest in young
Uwhrano, and sometime afterward.
when the youngster fell Into a fight
with one of his colleagues an offense
which is punishable by two months' sus
pension Senator Vest pleaded for bint
ana procured a reduction of the suspen
sion to two week.
Young Harry Long never tire of tell
ing what a kindly man Senator Farwell
Is. Tho Senator entertained the boy at
bis elegant borne in Chicago during the
Republican National convention In 18sa
and opened the eyes ot the youthful
Ponnsylvahlaa to the glories of the
Western metropolis, and procured for
bins a seat In the convention to boot
"Why," said the boy, all aglow with
gratitude, "he not only invited me to
his house, but be paid all my expenses."
Senator Vance Is voted the Jolliest of
all the Senators, and Senator Reagaa
has gained the eternal friendship ot tbe
boys by making paper caps and giving
them around.
Senator Cock roll Is more dreaded than
any other metub.'r of tbe body. "He Is
always wanting something," said one of
tbe lads.
"Yes; and it's always something out
side of the rhtmber," said another.
"I've worn a path running to the docu
ment room for blm."
"You bet when Sen a tor Cook re 11 claps
his bands." said a third, "we all try to
find something else to da lie ought to
have a page all to himself."
6enator Jones, ot Arkansas, la an-
otner one wn0 needs a great deal of
' wilting on.
"He's a crood enough man," said one
little fellow, "but he's awful on us."
"Wbat kind of a man Is Senator In
galls?" I asked.
"Oh I be never notlcos ns," answered
one.
"No," piped a wee chap, "be ain't so
clable."
Sonator Hiscock Is not very popular
among the pages. They say he soemf
"sort o' tired of every thing and every
body. "
Some time ago the pages formed
senate of their own. For some reason
theyexcludod Masters Moody, Long and
Harris,whereupon these three organized
themsolves into a reportorlal corps and
broke Into so many seorot sessions that
the Judiciary officer of the body con
cluded it was time to adjourn tint dit
so he decamped with the twenty-five
cents In the treasury and six sheets ot
paper belonging to the organization.
The pages' senate then collapsed.
These boys got (73 a month in salary
and numerous small sums from generous
Senators. They also bave a trick of
picking up all the printed speeohes of
certain Senators, and, after having them
nicely bound, sell tbe volume to the
Senators.
"Does anybody but the Senators buy
these speeches?'1 1 asked.
"Oh! no; only tho Senator wbo hat
made the speeches," was tbe innocent
answer.
One little fellow Harry Long told
me be bod made $75 in the last year hv
oiling speeches to the Sonators wBo
made tbom. .
"What would you do if you were a
Senator?" I asked one of the small boys.
I was rather set back by bis answer.
"I'd call up the IHair education bill
and have it passed," he said.
"Yes, slree!" chimed in half a dozen
more; "we all wanted that bill to pass.1
I learned afterwards, however, that
they did not care a fig for the merits of
the bill. They bad seen Senator lilalr's
earnestness in tbe matter and bis re
peated disappointments over its failure,
and tboy were sincerely sorry for bim.
When askod whether they would
rather be pagos or Senators, all but one
agreed that generally they would pre
for to be pages, "because we pagos have
a heap more fun than the Senators da"
Little flaxen-haired, blue-eyed Warner
Moody, howevor, looked up and spoke
with a quaint dignity and thoughtful
deliberation:
"I would rather be a Senator, of
course."
Page etiquette demands that each lad
hall be permitted to wait on his own
patron Senator that Is, the Sonator
who procured his place for him; and It
is inexcusable rudeness for one page to
respond to the call ot another's Sonator
unless tho other is so engaged that ho
can not attend to it
The pages are ostensibly Republicans,
but they do not mind saying that there
are a good many things about the Dem
ocratic side that are attractive to them.
prominent among which is the fact that
most of the motions to adjourn come
from the Domocratlo side; and since
the boys report for duty at 9 o'clock in
the morning and remain until adjourn
ment, this is no unimportant matter to
them.
The Domocratlo side of the chamber,
however, is wbat the boys call "the
penitentiary," since whenever one of
them is refractory Captain Dassett rele
gates him to duty on that side. - This
is an old-time oustom, and pages soon
learn that it is In the nature of reward
of merit to bo permitted to serve on the
majority Bide ot tbe chamber. There
are sevon boys for each sido, but those
on the majority side always fool a llttlo
more favored..
"I got to larking the other day," said
Master Long, "and Captain Dassett sont
me oror on the Democratic Bide."
As I turned to leave the group one
llttlo follow followed me, saying:
"Don't forget to put In something
about Noddy Itoflln (Master George
Mann, of Michigan) and Rov. Dr. Ed
ward Dalley, of Georgia, the boy wbo
says 'fo'toen' and 'deed I did, 'and 'tote
for carry; and don't forget Hadji Hussein
Ghooly Khan (Master Will Aulick, ot
Illinois) and Ike Dassett Jr., the grand
son ot Captain Itassott the boy that ate
the shoe-blacking when he was toil it
was patt def&l grat."
"And say," he added, "you ain't
goln' to interview the House pages, are
you?"
"Why not?"
"Woll, tbey' ain't in our class, yon
know."
There Is as much distinction among
boys between a Senate page and a
House page as there Is among men be
tween a Sonator and a member of the
lower Uouso, Willis B. Hawkins.
A Calf That Reasoned.
W learn that an amusing incident occur
red at the home of Mr. 8. M. Jones, near
Bethel, hut week. Among the cattle waa a
calf that eemed to poena a very great die
like to being roped at milking time and
alwaya made quite a to do when the rope
was adjusted. One morning Mrs. Jones went
out to attend tbe milking and upon looking
In tb accustomed place for the rope tailed to
find it While the tearch for it wa going on
the calf thought, perhaps, to get more than
bis share of the milk, but something seemed
to Interfere with the imbibing prooees, and
bla peculiar action attracted attention to
him. W hereupon it was diacovered that the
oalf bad iwallowed the rope, but failed to
make a complete Job of it, as tbe nooeswas
banging from one corner of hi mouth. Tbe
nooe waa laid hold of and a steady pull
brought th rope to light The calf Is suf
flcently aiuiued and doestit (wallow any
more rope to evade being tied. UreeuvOle
(X Cj IUfiector.
"Birdie, whispered a happy young Chi
eago lover, "now that we are engaged yoa
Baetnt ceil m Mr. Porcine any more."
"Ah, no, darling," responded the girl, with
a dgb and a (niggle, "yon must always call
m 'Birdie' and I will always call yoa
Buses.'" Kea York Bon.
Sweet Seventeen "No, I don't wan
ta marry the baron; why, h bas red
halrl" Stera Parent "Yea, but he
won't have it long! Haven't yon noticed
that It la beginning to droo euT Ilia
geade Blatter
Lev Yoana Dream.
PITH AND POINT.
She "Yes, dear, I'm afraid cook
wants Judgment" Ho "Judgmontl She
wants execution! i uncn.
"And where's your little brother,
Flossier "Oh we's been divorced,
"Divorced?" Yes; mamma's got blm
and papa's got me." N. Y. Sun.
"What so rare as a day in June.
Indeed, every one knows there's thirty
of 'em every year, and they re gen
erally hot enough to remember, too.
Citizen "What do you think of the
croDosltioo to enlist Indians in tbe
regular army?" Captain Westpointr
"Indians? Ton honahl Why, tbey
cawn't dawnce."-N. Y. Weekly,
Czar of Russia (just out of bed)
"Wbat bas become of my undershirt?"
Valet "Please your Majesty, the black-
smith's putting fresh rlvots in it" Bos
ton Herald.
There are some people who are so
nleasant whon tbey are absent that
one can almost forgive them for being
so unbearable whon they are present-
Boston Transcript
Miss Crabtree "Soe whatnlce shoei
I purchased for five dollars." Miss
Oiltman "Why. these I'm wearing cost
ten dollars." Miss C-"Well, 1 sup-
pose they charge according to size."
Marriod Sister "And, of course,
Laura, you will go to Rome or Florence
for your honoymoon?" Laura "Oh,
dear, not I couldn't think of going fur
ther than the Isle of Wight with a man
I know little or nothing ofl" Punch.
Tom "Do you suppose she bas
spoken to her parents about the engage
ment yet?" Dick "I know she ha
spoken to her father. He met me to
day and Invited me to drink." Tom
"llut be s a temperance man. JJicK
"Of course, and be wanted to try me."
Yankoe Dlado.
The country editor' who takes all
his advertisements out In trade will be
gratified to learn that a new pill, j'ist
patented, will keep a man alive a whole
week without oatlng. All he wants
now to make htm happy is a liver sirup
that will make one suit of clothes last
seventy-five years. National Publisher
and Printer.
The little Boston boy walked In and
sat down with a grieved and disappoint
ed look on his face. "Why, Osgoodson,"
said his mother, "what is the matter?
Have you quarreled with little Elliott
Flolds-James?" "1 bave not mamma,"
answered Osgoodson, wiping his glasses,
thoughtfully, "but I can not associate
wltb a person wbo chews gum.
Uncle Sara "What's the matter
now?" Frontier Citizen 'I stole a farm
from tbe follow wbo was on it and
drove blm .off, and now he Is coming
back wltb a lot of bis relatives to kill
me." Undo Sam "Well, you ought to
be killed." Frontier Citizen "Dut the
fellow I stole the land from Is an In
dian." Uncle Sam "O, woll, I'll order
out the army." Omaha World.
Family Doctor "I should no longer
conceal the truth from you, sir. You
have only a few days to live." Mr.
Levelhead (weakly) "Then, doctor, I
wish you would buy mo a ticket to Eu
rope and have me placed on board a
steamer." "Dut you oould not live to
reach Europe." "I do not wish to. I
want to bo burled at sea, so that my
family will be saved the ruinous ex
pense of a funoral, and have something
loft to live on."-N. Y. Weekly.
FINANCIAL FAILURES
That I What a St. Lools Minister Call
Clergymen In Search of Wealth.
The failure in business of a promi
nent clergyman suggests tbe fact that
very few preachers ever succeed in mak
ing money. When they do the religion
generally oozes out as yie dollars come
in, and they end by giving up minis
terial work altogether. Preachers, par
ticularly Methodist preaohers, are al
most always poor, and the next to them
in point of poverty are the Baptists.
Tbe majority ot Methodist preachers in
this country receive loss than $000 a
year, wblle the constant demands for
charity greatly diminish tbeir inoomes.
Presbyterian clorgy are hotter paid,
while the Charch of England ministers,
both here and in Great Britain, fairly
roll in wealth by comparison. The En
glish Bishops have princely incomes,
the lowest being $10,000 a year
and the use of a mansion
conneoted with the cathedral.
The Archbishop of York, who is "Pri
mate of England, has $50,000 a year.
and the Archbishop of Canterbury, who
Is "Primate of all England," receives
$75,000 and has two magnificent palaces.'
Methodist liishops are poorly paid.
Those ot the Mothodlst Church South
bave $3,600 salary, while those of the
Church North have a little more, but
none of them lay by any thing of their
salaries. Bishop Warren, of the Church
North, Is rich, bsving married the widow
of a ranchman in Denver. But Bishop
Uendrix. of the Methodist Church South,
enjoys the distinction of being the
richest Bishop in America, having in
herited a fortune, which, by careful
management be bas greatly increased.
He bas the reputation of being both be
nevolent and rich. To schools and col
leges he Is especially liberal, and Cen
tral College, in this State, owes Its pres
ent prosperity to his genoroslty. All
the other Southern Methodist Bishops
are poor. Rov. Dr. Wilson, lb at Iiuls
Globe-Democrat
Tmnble Rreaka Ont Agla
"This," growled tbe exchange editor.
a be looked at the thermometer, wip
ing his perspiring forehead, and glared
defiantly around the room, 'Is Fry-day."
"And to-morrow," saarled the real
estate editor, consulting the predictions
and grabbing a heavy paper-weight "is
going to be a Sadder-day." Chlcaio
Tribune.
Or Fortyoff or FortyHvetky.
The fan that thecmDerorof Ri. r.
the empress a necklace composed of forty
emerald has been made public Wht tl
empress laid in private after the bestowal
wa eomeiuing use this; "You dear old
boobyvoskl, why didnt Yon difitniiuA th
truthorik-h and make the number thlnvniv
or thirty-Bve&ky, at the niost" Pitubunr
Well l la Grammar.
Pretty School Teacher James, is "to
an active or passive verb I
Jamee (oldest boy In the class) Both.
Pretty School Teacher-How I that James!
Jam-ActiTe on the part of the f.JW
passive on the part of girl
rretty acboul teacher blushes and mark
a'Buuuar. isew i art
oan.
A Tench Dark.
Mr. Jink, (to landldv)-Wbat kind of a
duck did tou ny this was, Mr. Dinkly I
Umdlady-1 didn't my. I (Unply ordered
a duck from th butcher's.
Mr. Jmfa tiling with, second joint)
-I think he bas mat job a decoy duck.
Twas Sifting,
GRAYEYARDS FOR INSOMNIA
A Chicago Maa Wander at . Kandoat
Throng tb Avenee of a Cemetery.
I waa discussing with a few friends
the other night the hold which certain
laperstltions had upon the human!
mind, when one of the group, a rather
young man, spoke np:
"You'll laugh when I tell you my
remedy for insomnia. It's nothing mora
nor less than a midnight trip through a
graveyard.
"I live in Morgan Park, and between
the Rock Island and the Grand Trunk
roads, Just outside the western village
limits, lie Mount Greenwood and Mount
Olivet cemeteries, side by side.
"So, you see, I have plenty of oppor
tunitlee for dosing toytolt with my
grewsome remedy for sleeplessness.
"I first tried the scheme one warm
night in March, when I had vainly re
torted to every other remedy to put
myself to sleep. I got up, dressed my
self and sauntered down the main
thoroughfare of the village, having no
particular destination hi view,
"After walking half or three-quarters
of a mile I n eared the two cemeteries,
and suddenly the idea of making a trip
through one of them flashed across my
brain, which was seething and bubbling
as only that of a sufferer from insom
nia can.
"The night was one when about half
the sky waa covered with clouds, and
the full moon would occasionally dis
appear and an inky pall would sud
denly descend upon everything.
"Well I managed to effect an en
trance into one of the cemeteries, and
I began to wander among the grave
stones and monuments, deciphering
the inscriptions and reading the praises
ef this or that one deceased.
"I am very far from being gupersti
tlous and am not at all a believer in
ghosts, and although my visit was
made at the witching hour of mid
night,' when unearthly apparitions are
supposed to visit this world, my mind
was soon in a wonderfully cool and
calm state, and a feeling of drowsiness
began to steal over my brain.
"The remedy was beginning to work.
I had just made up my mind to return
home when I received a momentary
shock which came very near upsetting
me.
"I had wandered into that portion of
the cemetery where the poorer people
are allowed to bury their dead, and was
standing in front of a tall wooden head
board. The moon was temporarily be
hind a cloud and everything was dark.
"Suddenly the light came, and there
appeared before me the head and shoul
ders of a man. The figure bore a won
derful resemblance to myself, but that
fact didn't occur to me at the time.
"I waa startled for the moment, and
to, l dare say, would bave been any
man, no matter how stout his heart A
minute biter I saw what it all meant
"A large mirror had for some pecu
liar reason boon tacked upon the cheap
wooden headboard, and the returning
light of the moon hod suddenly flashed
Into my eyes the reflection of myself. I
went home that night and slept like a
top. I have since tried the cemetery
cure a number of times and always
with good results, but I don't recom
mend it to weak nerved peopla" Chi
cago News.
Interviewing a Tanderbllt.
The first was Commodore Vandorbilt
I had often interviewed him before, but
the most interesting talk was on an oc
casion when I tried to draw a great
Wall street secret from him, I pressed
him so hard that he made no reply at
all until he had led me from his inner
office out into the street There he ad
vanced to his carriage, and lifting one
loot to tbe step turned and at lost
answered me. This was how he did it
"Young man, how much do you get
a weeaT'
I told him.
"You are worth more." said he.
"Take my advice and leave the news
paper business before you get set hi its
ways and can t do anything else. Go
Into mercantile life. This fooling away
your time witn tne paper business is
all right while you're young, but you
won t make any more when you're
gray man you do now. Take my ad
vice; good day. "-Julian Ralph in
t hatter.
A. B.ar In Church.
, ...
unnng amne services on a recent
ounaay, a Dear, which had escaped from
we staDie or a neighboring public house,
in which its owner, a traveling show.
man waa located, entered a chapel, near
moruaae, tngiano. Women shrieked
ana children cried, and there was a gen
eral rush for the door. The boar.
whose neck was a thick chain, made its
way to the empty choir stalls, where it
lay down. The minister, whose high
uu tuuimouioug puipit nod suddenly be
come occupied by several female mem-
oers or his congregation, was in the
midst of his discourse at the time of the
animal's appearance, and had chosen for
ms text tne words "Be not afraid." The
sermon was Drought to an abrupt termi
nation. The anxiety of nastor and .
pie was set at rest by the arrival of the
owner or tne animal. The bear was got
out or the chapel with ease and taken
uaos to its quarters. Exchange.
A Menu Wreck.
Omaha Olrl-My father want, tnm.
again and I dont want him ta
lawyer He is rich, I cuppottf
"Act. a little craty at time, no douUP
"H O."
"Be careful now. TM u i
Didn't yoa ever e him ray around the
room like mad!"
Only when he low hit collar button."
"I'm afraid that wont
has softening of the brain, though, and la
likely to wraander hi wealth nniem put In a
It!9vUk about ewg into basinets."
nhereP
"In 8k lows."
"less, Mentalwrck."-Oinaha World,
fielding.
A baas Insinuation-Out on Orstl-Pitta-burg
Chronicle-Telegraph. urKnaa-
Muff are common necessities with th la
d .atthl. tuns .of the year. Insurant
heyar frequently seen in the baaebail Held,
Budget. 7 " PPttlr-Btoo
" An error gracefully acknowledged," sars
" a victory woo.- iTu
latent tut GaKoign. wa. lamentablS
"or of th first principle of baaebail Llay.
Ing.-Bostoo Tranacript.
PARIS CHILD SLAVES.
The Jnvenll nrHr Hunan lik .
Last year a society was organized i
Paris to prevent the trade UchlU
among professional beggar. t
first report just published, tbe Jl
tary of the society bas catalogued.?
riedlot of Parisian Institution, wh ft
are occupied exclusively with th..
ployment of little boys and ti,uT
street beggary. 6everal satan-vl"
era and proprietors of small cafes, ik
!M bI9. n h" b-re. ft
the Rue Marcadet for the employJ1
of young girls as flower nedrti ' u
The ages of the girls range betwee.
r tit 111(1 fllAvnn asj fTL.
in - ... . . ' "
eight and eleven years. Tbey are W
to the bureau for the day by tbelr ns
enta. They are sent out on th bouli.
vards in small squads, and are exoect
ed to return at night with at least thr
tranos each dear profits on their sW
Children whose receipts fall below th.
average are sent hack to tbelr parent!
without wages for their day's work
The bureau employs now about UOglrlt
Another bureau, situated near th.
Pantheon, hires girls between ten and
fourteen year to play musical instra.
ments in the low resorts of the cltv
The girls are usually taugut to strum
on a violin or barp in the bureau qutr.
ters during the afternoon.and from Bin
to two o'olook at night are kept on th
run from dive to dive.
At two o'clock the children return to
the bureau and are taken home by their
guardians or parents. Each child earns
about seven francs in an evening, and
receives three francs waves. This
sloal bureau has sixty children at it
disposal most of tbe time.
A third bureau deals in boys be.
tween eight and twelve years. Tt..
little fellows do ordinary begging and
colleot cigar butts. At dark tbe bojt
hand in the money and tbe refuse to
bacco they have got together durlnr
the day. 1
Four hours every evening the vonn.
vagrants are kept busy cutting, tearing
and sorting the cigar ends. They ears,
about one franc each dally, and are ex
pected to net to their employes about
twice that amount , At present 150 bovi
work for the bureau.
Tbe most reprehensible bureau nr
which the society reoelved informatios
makes a business ot hiring babies
arms and sending them out into th
streets with women beggars. What
ever the weather or temperature, the
little creatures are exposed by the
women In charge of them on the street
corners, doorsteps and bridges.
The bureau pays each woman with
her baby two francs a day. Each pair
brings in six or seven francs every
evening. A child usually endures nins
or ten weeks of this outdoor service and
then dies of exposure.
Tbe society has attached tbe name
ot eaoh bureau proprietor to the to
oount ot his establishment and has
called on-the French Government to
take measures at once to break up til
the Parisian institutions which bar.
sell and hire children for debilitating
and demoralizing employments. Ptrlt
Letter.
ABOUT SEASICKNESS.
An That Submit Cheerfully Can Beaell
from It KOeets.
Seasickness must be expected by
those who crois tbe ocean, and while
one or two may escape its attack, til
that submit cheerfully can derive bens-
fit from its effects. Children, as a rule,
succumb soonest and rally quickest
due, no doubt, to their simple diet snd
to the consequent fact that tbelr stom
achs are less Impairing by stimulating
foods and drinks than those ot tbelr
elders. It is worth remarking that such
of my acquaintance as enjoy at horns
wbat they pretend is "good living," but
wbiob you will arfree is eating much of
rich things, and then using coffee,
liquor, tobacco and suoh stimulants to
quicken digestion these people man
age to obviate, or at least post
pone, the wholesome effect of
seasickness by drinking champagne
or using drugs pretending to cure the
malady; but tbey succeed only in sub
stituting one complaint for another,
writes Ponltney Blgelow to tbe Illus
trated American. They remain halt
sick all the time they are on shipboard,
and take with them on shore a demor
alized system that requires many dsys
for complete recuperation. Children,
on the other hand, and grown-up folks
who have lived on simple diet vomit
freely at the first provocation, and suffer
discomfort for the first day or two, but
enjoy the remainder of the trip in a wy
to arouse the envy of all that can not
share it Pale cheeks become rosy, dull
eyes sparkle, tbe usually listless forget
the sensation of fatigue; those wbo on
shore slept but seven hours are now
scarce satisfied with ten, and those who
once needed delicaoies to coax an appe
tite select such food as eorned beet and
cabbage on pork and beans.
The wise reader needs no advice be
yond what he may read between tb
preoeding few lines. He has but to
make up his mind to face with fortitude
the degree ot Neptune, apd bis reward
will be to find that a supposed penalty
has become a blessing.
It Is, perhaps, superfluous to add tnsi
walking or lumping aggravates tb
symptoms of sickness, and that tbe mo
tion of a ship Increases as one moves
from its center conseauently that tb
sufferer is most comfortable when be it
lying down as near aa possible to tb
middle of tbe 'ship, and living on pism
oatmeal porridge. Such advioe as this
must seem far too simple to the would
be traveler by sea, wbo finds at every
drug-store remedies warranted to ease
faltfeellngs on tbe waves; but my ad
vioe is founded upon muoh inquiry, not
to speak ot extensive personal experi
ence in this field of pain and pleasure.
la the tjiedow of Lear.lnr
Heard at Yl. Ve.rle everv body il
Few Haven shews the result of good
education.
"I suppose vod will toll me that tbe
laker across the way, who furnishes
the college buns, oomea under tbst
headr
"Certainly, he U a college bread
man." Boa Ionian.
Klming Owls Oat ef T!
In the rural retriona of our country, 44
well as of England, the favorite amnse
nent at a social gathering of young per-
ns is, or until recently bas been, a suc
cession of "kissing games" wherein ths
moat modest girl of the company was sa
hited by every swain who chose, with si
tittle embarrassment as if he had been
her mother. But even in tbe rural dis
tricts this sort of thinff ia nasshur away,
and the permitted realm of the kiss il
sorrowing day by day. Mrs. Frank La
Urn