The Eugene City guard. (Eugene City, Or.) 1870-1899, February 11, 1888, Image 2

The Eugene City guard., February 11, 1888, Image 2

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Newspaper Page TextEUGENE CITY GUARD. f. I CAMPBELL. EUGENE CITY. OREGON. , PUNGENT PARAGRAPHS. Evil U la antagonism with all Crea tion. Our actions must clothe us with an Immortality, loathesome or glorious. A coquette Is a woman 'thout any leartthnt makes a fool o' a man 'thout ur head. , Wa would have life that others mljrlit be helped to live sweotly, and fower that thought and liberty mitfht be protected and encouraged. Font- trov $ Advance ThouahL First countryman In the city AVhere aro you going for dinnerr' Second countryman "To the (Jill Louse. I saw one of tholr bills do lltchon, and It says that dinner lasts from 'leven o'clock till . half-past three." A man who hath no virtue in him elf ever en viol h virtue In others; for Bum's minds will either feed upon their own good, or upon other's evil; and who wantuth the one will prey upon the other. Lord Baron.. . . A not HIT MVai. "Ala I" sinned the mule as he wlvtfled hi ear, And brmhed (ruin bin eyelana a grout sparkling tear, "Why should they prefer tbt hurtasquer to md, , fVaealaui a much better klrker than he.'' H iuhimrton Vritit. -Customer "Did you notice that man who lust went out changed the price cards in those cigar boxes, and then paid you ten cents apiece for those twenty-tiv cent cigars?" Dealer O. yes, I noticed that; but, bless your out. It makes no difference to me. Both boxes are the saine." "Mr son," said a careful and ob servant father, "live an honet life and you will preserve your self-respect, though you may fail to win the respect of others. But If In an evil hour you should devlato from the path of recti tude struggle to escape detection until . you h ive tailed down enough money to urchvse Justice. Don't make a mis take and take too little; justice comes IlVN. T. Tribune. m ' INHABITANTS OF MARS. A hnou Ailronuuior Thinks That It Ia reopltd Hy Kenmrkable Ileitis. A paper has recently beon published bySig. Schiaparelll, who is, perhaps, the most eminent of Italian astrono. titers, of tho result of observations taken Ity hliu at Milan of the physical condi tions of the planot Mars. These ob servations were taken in' the years 1877, 1879 and 1882 periods during which Mars approached, in following it elliptical course, nearer to our earth than it ordinarily comes. It Is well known that the geography of this planet has beon for some time past carefully studied. Maps have boon drawn giving the sea and continents thatdivido tho surface of that planet, and, as a distinguished astronomer has recently said, so far as tho polar re clous are concerned, we know more of thoe on the planet Mara than we do of those on our own world. It Is known that Mars hits an atmosphere that would permit of some form of animal life, perhaps the sn'ne that we And upon the earth; that the snow falls In winter aud melts away in the spring. Indued, It may be assumed that It has moun tains, valleys and broad plains covored with vegetation, much as we are ae eastowod to tiud it In our country dis tricts, evvpt that, whilo the natural tint of grass and leaf with us is groon, In Mars It is evidently red. All this, however, has been known ta astronomers for some time. What seems tn be a new discovery is that the land surface of the planet Mars Is, or appears to bo, divided Into great canals thirty miles or more In width, and ex tending In absolutely straight nnd often ytaraolled lines from the aeacoast for a thousand miles or more 'Into the in terior, where they sometimes Intersect with ether canabt running directly at Tight angle. This would seem to in iieat a direction of forces different front those commonly displayed by nature. But what is even more re markable, it wo are to trust our uthority, Is that observation has shows In some rases these assumed canals seem to be in process of con struction. Sig. Schiaparelll asserts thnt ho was frreatly surprised to And that the chart ttf the surface of Mars, carefully pre pared by him from his own observa tions uf 1879, was found defective In 1882, because during tho Interval the number of his assumed canalt had In creased. But his surprise was changed to astonishment on linding, during the course of his observations in 1882, that at short intervals what might be termed psratUl canals came, as it were, into existence. He could hardly assert that be watched their formation, though in a certain degree he was able to do this. What conclusion he draws from this assertion he does not say, leaving it lor future observers, when, in a few year more, a chance for further ob servation takes place to draw their own deduction. But, apparently, the as sumption might be made premising the accuracy of these asserted facts that the planet Mars is inhabited by a raire of beings possessed of enormous towers, having the knowledge and strength needed to p-rform in a short sparse of time what '-ould be almost equivalent to the construction of a canal that would reach from the At . lautio Ocean toChlcagt. with a width of the Slate of Massachusetts. Of ronrse, these assertions will be accepted with a very great degree of skepticism, but, none the less, ther will add not a Jiitle to the curiosity and Interest with which further observations on the planet Mars will b watched for. WORSHIPING THE DEVIL. Uldeous Belief, Rite and Bltol of the Hindu tan. In no part of the world at the present Is the belief In demonology, or devil lore, ai4 witchcraft so widely prevalent as among the native population of Eng land'i Eastern Empire. Through the length and breadth of Hindustan wor shipers of the devil are to be found, forming numerous sects, whose doc trines are essentially similar, whether they inhabit the Coromandel coast, the Highlands of Central India or the borders of Afghanistan. Between these widely divergent points of the great Indian Peninsula there enn not have been for ages, if there ever hnd been, much Intercommunication of the peo ple, who are In ninny instances ethnologic-ally different and speak a language entirely foreign to each other. The fundamental doctrine of the dovil worshipers' creed, as gathered by the writer in conversation with mom bora of the sect In various parts of Hin dustan, is that it is improper, if not actually blasphemous, for human be ings to offer prayer or sacrifice to pro pitiate a divinity whose merciful and forgiving benignity is inconceivably beyond all his other attributes, and who could not, even if he would, do aught that is inimical to tho present or future happiness, splrital or material, of beings created after his own image and loved with art undying and Im measureable love. With all the sub tlety of thought and illogical mental cunning Incidental to the Oriental in tellect, they will expound In verboso and highly imaginative language the grounds oi which a e based the reason ings that warrant belief .in their creed. To iho devil, as the omnipotent incar nation of evil, they attribute essentials which are plausibly advanced to give color to the doctrines of their sect Shnitan, as Satan is named in Hindus tan, is, according to his worshipers, inordinately egotistical, and they, with the hope of gaining his good favor in their behalf, flatter him by the most elaborate ceremonials and fervid pray ers, conducted with all the surround ings incidental to Eastorn pageantries, religious and otherwise. Tho ritual of devil-worship, as well as the tenets of the creed, modify con siderably, according to the varying conditions climatic and geographical, which obtain from the perpetunlly snow-clad IlimnlnyasOto the torrid regions of Cape Comonn and along to tho equatorial line. The doctrine of devil-worship Is not confined to the low or illiterate classes of the people. It prevails more or less extensively among those oriental Intellectual dreamers who rend the institutes of Manu in the original and discuss abstruse thoolog ical and metaphysical theories in San scrit. To the mind of the wily Hindoo and the bodily effeminate, but mentally active followers of the Prophet, occult teachings of the most visionary school hnvo always had an irresistible fascina tion and tho spread of European civil ization and the introduction of tho English educational system has in creased rjtther . than diminished tho Oriental fondness for seml-comittoso speculation In the realms of religious thought. Witchcraft also predominates to an extraordinary extent among the igno rant classes, which means nine-tenths of tho population, and the entire social life both of Hindoos and Mussulmans lu the mofussel or country districts Is strongly impregnated with tho doc trines of devil worship and belief in witches and witchlore and all the su perstitions which surround the recog nised profession of the black art. Nec romancers and adepts in divination are numerous, and their persons are I eld as sacred and their supernatural powers are acknowledged by the peo ple as If they were recognized teachers of the religion of Brahma or Mollaho expounding the laws of the Koran. Vor. San Francisco Examiner. LUCIFER MATCHES. A German Story Relating to their Inden tion by a l'ulltleal Prisoner, According to a German paper, tho Inventor of Inciter matches was a po litical prisoner, who perfected his idea In 1883, within the walls of a state prison. Kammerer was a native of Ludwigsburg, and when sentenced to six mouths' imprisonment at Hohenas berg, ho was fortunate enough to at tract tho notice and to gnin the favor of an old officer in charge of the prison, who, muling he was studying chemis try, allowed lit lit to arrange a small laboratory iu his cell. Kammerer had been engaged in researches with a view of improving the defective steeping system... according to, which, splinters of wood, with sulphur nt the ends were dipped into a chemical fluid in order to produce a tlame. If the fluid was fresh the result was sat isfactory; but as it lost its virtues after a time, there was no general disposi tion to discontinue the old-fashioned system of using flint and steel. After many failures Kammerer began to ex periment with phosphorus. Mid had al most completed his term of imprison ment when he discovered the right mix ture and kind.ed a match by rubbing it against the walls of his cell On com ing out of prison he commenced the manufacture of matches. Unfortunate ly the absence of a patent law prevent ed his rights from being secured, and on Austriau and other chemists analyi Ing the composition, imitations speed i- ly made their appearance In 1833 the Herman states prohibited the use of these matches, considering them dan gerous. v hen they were made in England and sent to the continent these regulations were withdrawn, but too late to be of any be no tit to the in ventor, who died in the mad-house of his native towu iu 1W7. Interior. AN ITALIAN 8TATESMAN. I four Frnaeoeoo Crispl, President W Italy's Council of Mlnlaters. Signor Crispl, Prime Minister of Italy, has been a familiar figure In Italian politics since 18C1, when be was elected for Palermo to sit In the Chamber of Deputies at Turin, the first Parliament of the new Kingdom of Italy. At that period Venice and the Quadrilateral, Including Verona and Mantua, still remained under the Austrian Empire, while Rome was held by a French garrison for the Pope. The revolution In Sioily and in Naples, expelling Francis II., had been effected by the victories of Uiiit baldi in the preceding year. Among its most active local supporters t Palermo was Francesco Crlspi, a young barrister, who was born at Sibcra, in Sicily, in October, 1819, and had, in 1848, taken part in the insurrection provoked by the tyranny of King Ferdinand, the "Bom ha" of popular detestation. That insurrection was suppressed. In Naples and Sicily, by an army of Swiss and other foreign mercenaries. Some who had, like young Crispl, taken up arms with the insurgents, made their escape to France, but came to Piedmont or Genoa when the era of constitutional liberty for Italians was opened by the administration of 1) Azeglio and con firmed by that of Count Cavur. 'In 1859, France and Sardinia caving de dared war against Austria and prom Ised the liberation of all Italy, the putty governments of Central Italy were overthrown by popular demon strations; and in the autumn of 18GU the expedition of Garibaldi from Genoa, which was accompanied by Crispl, speedily effected the downfall of the Bourbon dynnsty. Crispi fought as a soldier or tho liberty of Sicily, and held office in its provisional gov. ernment till its annexation to the Kingdom of Italy. He appeared in tho Italian Parliament as the right-hand man of Garibaldi, whose views were opposed to the policy of Cavour, and who loudly demanded an immcdiuto attack on the remaiigng, Papal domin ion, at the cost of war with France, for the conquest of Konie, nnd a re newal ot the war with Austria for the deliverance of Venice. Crispi con tinued for many years as a leader of the "Extremo Left, or Dcmocratio party, while he showod constant hos tility to French influence in the affairs of Italy. But, since the independent position of Italy among the European powers has becomo secure, and since tho acquisition of Venice, in 1866, and of Rome, in 1870, satisfied tho aspira tions of Italian nationality, tho grounds of thoso party differences huve been removed. Signor Crispl, In 1876, was electeJ .'resident of the Chamber of Deputies. The late Signor Depretis, Premier of Italy, called Crispi to office as Miuistcr of Foreign Affairs. On the death of Depretis, Crispi became President of the Council of Ministers. Chicago Inter Ocean. HUMAN NATURE. Aa Incident I'rovlnc That It Is 8trongly Represented In Kvery Sinn. The talk ono hears on tho street all tends to convince one more and more that there is a great deal of human na ture in man. This is wha a special examiner of tho United States Pension Office told me to-day while waiting for a street-car: "I was examining and taking evidence In a pension claim in Nebraska last summer. Tho claim ant belongod to a little country church, nnd the witnesses were the pastor and several members of his church. It was beautiful to soe the clearness and directness with which they all testified and swore that the claimant had been unable to do any work on his farm lor live or ten years. The story waa becoming monotonous until I visited tho home of an agod elder in the church, who was some what deal I explained to him my office and my business very carefull)', and then took down his sworu state ment concerning the claimant and his disabilities. But to my great surprise he testitied that the claimant, whom ho had known intimately for fifteen years, had never seen a sick day, nor missed a day from work, in all that time. 1 cross-questioned him rigidly, but only mado him the moro emphatic in bis former statements. So he sigi e l the deposition, and 1 administered the oath, and was taking my departure, when he asked me, in an uncertain, anxious way: 'Ain't you an insurance agent?' 'Ain't you going to insure his life?' When I undeceived him he looked very miserable, but did not offer to retract hi ItateoieaUr" cago Journal. - m m Quick Promotion. A Dutchman whose son had been employed in an insurance company's office was met by an acquaintance, who inquired: 'Well, Mr. Schnider, how is Hans getting along iu his new pi act-?" "Shoost shplendid; he vas von off dem directors teVeady." "A directorl 1 never heard of such rapid advancement the young man must be a genius." "He vas; he shoost write a shplen did handt!" "Oh, yes, plenty of people write good hands, but you said Hani was a director!" "So he vas" (indignantly) "he di rect dem cirgulars teu hours efery day already." latt'Ss Cs. pun ion. The recently-discovered petty cash book kept by Charles Dickens during his term of service with Mr. Blnckmore shows that his salary of 13s 61 a week was raised on the 1st of August, 1S23, to 15s a week. LIFE IN THE HAREM. Mistaken Idea of the We tern World as to aa Kaatern Institution. In theory the Moslem classes his womenklnd with the holy of holies of Mecca. The Innermost shrine of his temple and the rooms with latticed windows are both called by the same name of Harem or "Sacred." The apartment is harem and the ladles who live in it are harem for all but the lord and master. He may enter at will, but generally announces his coming be forehand, so that he may not run the risk of meeting feminine visitors who are probably the wives of his friends. In well regulated houses the husband Intrudes only at fixed hours, per haps for a short time after midday pray er, and does not else favor his harem till he retires to rest. Home life, such as we understand it, can scarcely be said to exist for the Mohammedan. The man lives in and at his work outside, and the woman among her slaves and friends in the harem. The most inter esting viow of the home life of the harem is when it is considered as the cradlo in which Eastern manhood is reared. Schools of any kind are few and meagerly patronized, and boarding schools are unknown. A few boys are sont to Paris, Constantinople or Syria to be educated, but tho majority grow up among slave girls and servants, seuing a great deal which they ought not to see, nnd learning very little of what they should. It is small wonder, then, that the better moral qualities, if any were ever inborn, are rapidly obliter ated, and the boy grows up to the man saturated with vice and effemi nacy. The women occupants of the harem are the wife or wives and the female slaves. Perhaps on no subject doos greater misconception prevail than on this harem slavery. Tho field, however, is too wide a one to be toiichod more than incidentally. The name of slave as app.iou to the Georgian or Circassian girl is a mis nomer. She occupies moro the posi tion of a friend, or at loast of a lady's companion, if she does not, as is often the case, become an adopted daughter of tho house. Sho is well and some times expensively dressed, and shares the small amusements of her mistress at the theater, tho moolid or tho prom enade. The principal diversions of harem life consist in the visits of friends and of a pernicious class of trading women, who hawk about articles of dress and gewgaws from one house to another, retailing the latest gossip and scandal with their wares, and assisting the ladies to get into all manner of scrapes. Wise women, who tell fortunes by cards and incantations, are also in great demand, and their vaticinations are. as a rule, believed in by the ladies with much tho same delightful and blind confidence as is given by farmers' daughters to the mysterious prophecies f the gypsies. Now and then condign punishment awaits these hags, as in the case of the notorious Ayeska, who, several yews ago, was called for ono night, hustled into a carrlago under pretense of vis ting a great harem, and has never since been heard of. But, as a rule, their sorceries, evil eyes nnd charms are perfectly harmless, and when there is nothing better to do they are called in to beguile tho heavy hour. Nor must iho men singers be left out in the catalogue of delights of tho harem a delight, nevertheless, w hich is but sparingly indulged in, and can only be enjoyed to tho full when the harem's lord is away. A notion seems generally prevalent in Europe that if only the harem doors were opened a rush for liberty would immediately take place, and many aro the sympathies wasted on the supposed prisoners of the Mohammedan mar riage tie. In reality, botn men and women consider their stato far su perior to that of Europeans. The man argues thus: "You nre a slave from the moment you marry. You can not go out to lunch or dinner or to your friends without taking your wife with you. , You can not even leave her alone tor a few hours without giving an account of yourself. Such a state of things would be unbearable to me. I go where I like and she goes where sho likes. I pay ,y servants to look after her, and 1 am sure that she is not llirting with other men when I am not by her side. You are never sure of this," etc This is his linn of rin. nient The woman savs: "My reli-rion for bids me to look upon other men than my husband. If I changed my religion perhaps i would like to mix up with t very fellow I came across, but so long s i nm a lUanommciUn I detest the thought of it ' I cover my face from the sight of the world, as your women cover their bodies. As to being watched and guarded, it is a compli ment wliieh shows how much my hus band cares for me. If he wero to leave me to do what I liked. I should know he did not care for me, and I should feel deeply insulted." ills dimctilt for the Western mind fully to grasp the immense gulf be tween our ideas and theirs. Their re- soulng is fallacious and almost ridicu lous from our standpoint, but it is good enough from theirs. And, there fore, as long as the Mohammedan re ligion lasts, so long will the harem ex ist And its existence is, on the whole, a happy and contented one, n spite of all the reasoning which may be brought lo show that it ought to be miserable. Centuries of communion and contact with Europeans may pos sibly change the Ideas born and culti Ysted in the harem, but there is yet no sign whatever of such a change. Up to the present no appreciable difference is noticeable in the domestic economy of the Moslem. London Saturday R-1 vine. COME BACK, WILHELMINAI -"-sssr'" little sunbeam once more. Come bacit and cluster around our hearthstone at so much per cluster. If you think best, wo will quit hav. Ing company at the house, especially people who do not belong to your set We will also strive, oh, so hard, to make it pleasanter for you in every way. If we had known four or five Tears ago that children wore offensive to you it would have been different But It is too late now. All we can do now is to shut them up in a barn and feed them through a knotrholo. it they shriek loud enough to give pain to your throbbing brow, let no ono know, and we will overcome any false sentiment we may feel toward them and send them to the Tombs. Since you wont away we can see l i i... i ...iftuh wo were, and now wieaeu nu, .' j how little we considered your comfort! We miss your erlad smuo, aiso youi Tonnessee niar. cake and your slat pie. We have learned a valuable lesson since you went away, and it is that the blame should not have rested on one alone. It should have been divided equally, leaving me to bear half of it and my wifo the other halt Where we erred was in dividing up the blame on tho basis of tondoiloin steak or peech cobbler, compelling you to bear half of it yourself. That will not work, Wilhelmina, Blame and preserves do not divide up on the same basis. We are now in favor of what may be called a sliding scale. We think you will like this better. We also mnde a grave mistako In the matter of nights out While young, 1 formed the wicked and pernicious habit of having nights out myself. I panted for the night air, and would go a long distance and stay out a long tiuio to get enough of it for a .ucss and thon bring it home in a paper bag. but I can see now that it is time for me to remain indoors and give young people like yourself a chance, Wilhelmina. So if I can do any thing evenings whilo you aro out that will assist you, such as stoning raitins or neighboring windows, command me, I am no cook, of course, but I cau peel apples, or grind ci flee, or hold your head for you when you need sympathy. I could also soon learn to do the plain cooking, I think, and friends who come to see us after this have agreed to bring their dinners. There is io reason why harmony should not be restored among us and the old sunlight come back to our rooi tree. Anothor thing I wish to write before I close this humiliating personal. I wish to take back my harsh ahd bitter words about your singing. I said that you sang like a shingle mill, but 1 was mad when I said it, and I wronged you. 1 was maddened by hunger and you told me that mush and milk was the proper -hing for a brain worker, and you refused to give me any dope on my dumpling. Goaded to madness by this I said that you sang like a shingle mill, but it wns not my belter, higher nature that spoke. It was my grosser nnd mote gastric naturo that asserted itself and I now desire to tako it back. You do not sing like a shingle mill; at least so much as to mislead a practiced ear. , Your voice has more volume, and when your upper register Is closed is mellower than any shingle mill I ever heard. Como back, Wilhelmina. We need you every hour. After you went away wo tried to set the bread as we had seen you do it but it was not a success. The next day it came off tho nest with a litter of small, sallow rolls which would easilv nwiftt. tliu ntt.ti t la If you can not como back, will you please write and tell mo how you are getting along and how vou contrive to I.. . . i " . . nisri uir-iiuws mio iiome-niado bread? Hill Kye, in X. Y. World. Daniel Webster's Death. It has been said that Daniel Webstei died of a broken heart caused by his losing the Whig nomination, and I send the following little incident, which is to the point: The night after Webster lost the nomination, tho Marine Band serenaded him. On arriving at his house no light or other sign of life was visible, but the band played and the crowd cheered until a window in the second story wns raised, and Webster appeared in his night costume. When the deafening cheers with which he was received had sub sided, he rested his hands on the window-sill, and leaning forwari. spoke in a clear yet sad tone. His conclud ing remarks were these: "Boys. I am glad to see you, but this is "tho last time you will hear my voice. I am going to my home, and I feel that I am going to my home to die." A few months later, October 24, 1852, he died at his home in MarshfleliL-Vl A. Stetson, Jr.. in Magazine of American History. William Hitch, of Mount Sterling Ky., shot himself in the forehead r cently, the ball penetrating to a depth of three inches, and a quantity of brain matter coxing out The doctors said that he could not live more than twenty-four hours, but he has entirely recovered. The bullet is still i hi, headbut the wound has completely -The .i. ----- gu. txacuy. About the rate nf ...... ..J .. "cnif to uily mile an hour. Boston Herald, LIGHT AND AIRY. . Her One Requeet. frlncllla Jane Ifotilua Jones Walked Id the avanoo, She wore a Bcottlih iliaegy dot And a ooeturoe of dark blue, Up to her tepped a burfraleer, Skin Larry was bis uatne, "fork over them ere rtnga," ji h "for that's my little game." Prlncllla trembled o'er with fear; The man be smelt of grog; Ob, take," ibe laid, "my purse and al But spore, oh, spare my dog." i New York Morning Journal, Mover Had Been There. Brown Where have you been latelr Robinsont I haven't seen you for two months. ltobinson (carelessly) Oh, off on a littl, tripLondon and Paris and that sort of thing, you know. Paris is a flne place, Browa, Have you over been there? Brown-No; I've been In Louisville ami Lexington and Paducah, but I was never U Paris. New York Sua Friendly Amenities, Miss Clara I think young Mr. Waldo Is, original, and so pleasant, too. Ho paid tat some very pretty compliments. Miss Ethel Did bo, indeed? Why, be mus) be original Now York Bun. Force of Habit. Silenced the din of the busy day, Only the niKbt wind's sighing Fell oo the ear of toe comrade near Toe street car driver dyfng. ' . Slowly the eyes of the dying man ; ' Parted be gasped, he started The comrade bent with ear Intent O'er the lips that speech had parted. ! An angel had beckoned the dying man Down by the stream so shady, And this was the word that comrade heard, "The other crossing, lady." Chicago Tribune. Cause and Kflect. First Omaha Youth What's the matter; got a day off? Second Omaha Youth No; Tve resigned. "What forf "Nearly worked to death. The store was always crammed full of customers, and it just kept me on the jump all day. Couldn't stand it." 'But what are you going to do now?" "I shall try to get a place in some stora that don't advertise." Omaha World. Itrldget's Phllotopbr. Bridget Enjoy slape, is It? IIow could 1, I'd like yez to tell me. The mlnit I lay down I'm aslape, an' theminit I'm awake I hare to git up. Where's tho time for en joy in' it t come in? Philadelphia Can. A Sweet Plctnro. In these December ntshts true lore Is two, Conceive a sweeter Veture if you cao; ' Fair Chloe at the flreile pops the corn And Stephen pops tile question, liko a Rial, ' Boston Courier. Glorlons Possibilities Ahead. De Lesser-Yes, we are still working oa the Panama canal and have got hopes. By the way, you nave the advantage of me. American Tourist My name is Kocly. "Ah? The Keely who is inventing a new motor I" 'The same." "How fortunate we have mot When my canal is completed I will use your motors to . -V n f 1, U-Ml.l A Kind They Didn't nave. "You have all kinds of rings, I supposel observed MuCorklo to a jowelur. "Yes, sir,"1 was the reply. "What kind shall I show you diamond, ruby, amethyst!" "No; you may let mo examine a good wet kin ring, please," Philadelphia Times. An unusuat Occasion. Omaha Wife What under the sun are yoa doing? Husband Trying to tie this string around my fl rigor. "Why, I did not ask you to do any errand." ' "No. This string is to remind nie that I have nothiug to remember today". Omaha World. Out of riace. Oh, a man may gain a deathless renown, And all fume that Iho world con give. But if caught iu a woman's dry goods crowd He feels too mean to live. Yankee Iliads. Evidently s Crank. Young Man (getting off street car) Here is my fare, conductor; you forgot to ask m for it" Passenger Who is that young man who Just got off, conductor? Conductor I never saw him before- some crank, I guess. It takes all sorts of people, sir, to make up the world. The Epoch. Story and Moral. Man, ass, - . Smells gas. Strikes match, ' liiiUDv dispatch Tid B"t SIMMONS LIVER REGULATOR For all BUcates of the Liver, nineys, Stomach and Spleen. Thh purely vegetable pre. Paraaon. now so celebrated s a ' MedKine, oHcinaud in the South ia lana I. ' on the Bowels sod afhon of the Liver, and ta, dura, fere, the best preparatory nediolne, whatever the lick new suy prove to a. Ia all eomsion ducata it will, u assisted ky any ether OKdj. oat, afTeot a speedy ear). An Bffleaelons Remedy." I can rteom. fm' "snelScaoieus rantdy far all dUeawtof the Uvet Headache and Dyiptesla, Simotoa Liver No loss of Miae, mo Inter rupttea or stoppage) of business, wluleakSj the OuTdres ceaslalalaf of Cane. HeadaVh, or ek Moenaeh, a tausooeM or or will grr rdiet If takes aecadenaSy Vy pa. B"ts umel to MALARIA, Tf?! l Ptna and protect toe boat attack. Tsiciajr srcneit ttnPl'J' 9ivly o-e ia U 2,.f,J" " " aM feetcad f , P.1" Mllatlr7rer. riu- L. U. Horn,, at D., WaeSgroo, AHl T TOV Oa-T TKS vKXTJDIC J. M.Zufu, A Co., Philadelphia Pa rmsam, auoo.