NOBODY REALLY CARES.
Jf you're anvtlilnif to (rrlcvo jou,
.And 1)11 your liciirt with fear,
If Poverty linlea ni'iir yon.
Aii'l your tint's me mmn"1 by tears,
If you It ml Willi noiil rliiiiiiilliX
No aimwcr lo your prsvein,
Don't coy n wonl aliout It, for
KolioUy rcullcuiui.
If health mill strength fninnke you,
Ami pain unit likno lirln
A s loom that cloiidn the iiusbln
A nil hIhkIow rvcrytliliiK.
If you fori IhHt lot ho woiiry
Put mUiloin mortal lieurs.
Don't my m word uhout It, for
Hobody roully i-iimi.
Thl world it fond of plranuro,
And, tako It Ht IK best.
Tin m!ly bored mile yon
Moot It with Kinllo and Joxt;
It yawim o'er Want's (muiplaliilngt,
At Borrow coldly stares,
60 mtTitr toll your troubles, for
Nobody really rares.
MtKvartl Evlitw, in ll'trper'l Weekly.
IN HASTE.
'An Important Letter, Threo Bro
ken Eggs and a Tologram.
It was when poslago stamps were
throe cents apiece, and eggs twelve and
and a half cent a dozen, that Mr.
lluggins, tlio proprietor of tho little
countrjr store nt Klkton, sat at his high
. desk one dreary afternoon, with his
head studiously bent over his book,
' making out an account of sales.
"Please, sir," stiddunly interrupted a
thin, small voice procci'ding from the
Bpaco in front of tlio de.uk, "will you
give aio a stirrup lor these Uirco eggs,
and you needn't mind the change."
Mr. Hoggins slowly lifted his eyes
from the b'g hook, to look for tho small
speaker below them.
. It was a mito of a g'rl, not more than
six year old, who held a letter In one
hand and with the other tightly grasped
jhirT apron gathered together for the
safe keeping of threo eggs lying .within.
Mr. Muggins' senses had been so ab
sorbed in the difficulties of his long sura
in addition, that It was several moments
'before he could recall them and bring
them down to a level with tho little
jhcad lifting itself eagerly up to him;
but reaching out his hand mechanically,
lie took tho letter, and supposing fie
'would immediately lake tho eggs also,
the little girl incautiously opened her
apron, when, alas, with a pip! pip! pip!
.as though they were kissing each other a
hasty good-by, out rolled tho eggs
and with a smash! smash! smash!
day on tho floor, a medley of gold and
silver, and ivory shells!
1 For one moment the poor littlo mes
senger alood silent with dismay, and
then lifting her distressed faco to that of
Mr. lluggins, sho burst Into a wuil so
pitiful tiiat the heart of thostoro-keopcr
wast ouohed with compassion.
"Why, what on' earth did you open
your apron for,- littlo galP" said ho, by
way of soothing her. I
"To let vou get tho eggs,"
sobbed the child. "I thought you wero
going to take them."
"And so I was," ho answored, "but
you ought not to have let go your grip
till I had hold of thorn. W'ell, well.
I hey won't hatch now, that's certain,"
he continued, with a touch of philoso
phy in his tono, " but there's no
more uso crying over' smashed eggs
than over spilt milk; you ought to bo
glad thoro aro so few of them; and
what woro you asking mo to do with
tneml"'
"To eivo mo a stamp, please, sir,
But oh, what will mot her do now! Her
letter can t go and sho said it was to
jstnrt at once and co In haste!
Tho sobs grew louder as tho little girl
seemed to rcitlt.o inoro ami moro tlio
extent of the disaster.
"To go In haste," repeated Mr. Hug
gins, with a smile of siiorior knowl
edge. Yes, I see,' she ha written on
it "in hasto, in haste.' Well, that might
havo done some good, perhaps, fifty
years ago, when letters were carried
about tho country on horseback; I doubt
if it will hurry up the steam cars very
much. Hut for mercy sake, littlo gal,
do stop crying!" ho ejaculated sudden
ly as tho deepening sobs smote his
heart anew and brought him back to
tho business on hand. "Didn't I tell
you there's no uso crying over smashed
eggs! So, look up now and tell 1110 what
is tho creat hasto about this particular
letterP"
"O, I don't know 'aackly, sir," an
swered the child, tearfully, "but I know
it Is something very particular indeed,
and will break mother's heart u'most to
know it hasn't gone. You sen, sho had
been over to Miss Kilev's and she come
back with tho tears all running down
her cheeks, and sho hunted round till
sho found this paper and a pencil, and
wrote tho letter with her hand all in a
tremble. Hut after it was all dono up,
sho Just remembered that sho hadn't a
stamp, nud I ran as fast as I could to
Miss Kiley's, but she hadn't one, nor
any money either, and mother just sank
down and cried as If her heart would
break, and then, sir wasn't it lucky
I knew a stamp cost threo cents, and I
just th'ught of niyoldhen, Huff, who
wits laying eggs that I wanted so to
hatch, and there was just threo In tho
Host, but I couldn't see inolhe- cry so,
nud I ran out and brought 1 m into
her, and sho was so glad well, I wish
you could have seen nor and sho said:
Thank Ciod for tlio eggs, Jess, a.id run
as fast as you can, for, this letter must
go In haste,' in haste, that's jut what
tho said but oh, theeggsaro oil broken
now. end what will mother do!"
Tho long story came to an abrupt end
with a fresh wad of grief.
"Well, don't tako it so to heart,
child," said Mr. lluggins with his grult
kindliness. "There's no great harm
done; the letter cau't go till to-morrow
any how, for tho mail boa Nen gono
theso throe hours."
"To-morrow!" repeated tho little girl
in dwiuay. "O, sir, mother won't sleep
a wink to-night if sho knows that; sho
taid a day might make It too late, and
that if you would read it, you would
know it must go in haste." '
"Hut that's wll nonsense, child,"
a'd Mr. Lluirgins, beginning to lose
pa'ienco. "There's no such thl.ig these
days ; letters now all go one way and
in 0110 time, and that a deal quicker
than ther once did. -Hut you run home
now, ami if you like you nccdu't tell
your mother anything about the wait
ing, nor the eggs either ; I'll put a
amp a for jou and send it a soon as
4 can."
The littlo eves beamed like star
through the failing tears. "O, sir, if
you would!" she cried, "and when my
hen lays three more eggs I will bo sure
to hrlnir them to you."
She turned quickly to tho door, but
pausing there, as II Willi an tinconqtier
able impulse, sho looked back, saying 1
"And if you please, sir, do make it go
fast, for that s what she said in nasto.
"That child hns cot more heart than
head," thought Mr. lluggins to himself
as ho silently watched her depart with
out making further efforts to explain
mail reirulations. Ho knew tho littlo
customer quite well as tho child of
Widow Carson, who IiikI come to tlio
neighborhood just after the first of those
terrible Hoods that had sent so many
homeless ones ,back from tho banks of
tho treacherous Ohio.' It was said that
her husband had perished in the waves
after placing his wife and child in
safety, and diere she had lived ever
since in a littlo jog caoin not iar iroin
the store, where with her small patch
of corn and potatoes sho supported, as
best sho could, herself and Jess and the
littlo yellow dog. Hut only a few days
previous to this, Mr. lluggins had felt
compelled to refuse her any further
credit, till tho bill, slowly lengthening on
his big book, was paid up, and it was
doubtless because ol this that sho 11 ml
not sent to him. at once to nsk the ad
vanco of a stamp for this all-important
letter.
Meditatively he looked at tho en
velope, with tho address scrawled in so
tremulous and unpraetieed a hand that
ho doubted much whether it would ever
reach its destination, and the words of
Jessjo returned to his mind "She said
if you would read it, you would know
It must ro In baste."
It seemed a sufficient permission to
tho kind thought In his heart, and open'
lug tho awkwardly sealed Covering, Mr,
lluggins with dilliculty mado out the
words written evidently by a hand
tremulous with emotion':
"I havo just heard you wero seen in
Rockport yesterday, looking for Jess
and mo; It seems too good and wonder
ful to bo true, but I writo at once to
say that we are here, and God grant
my letter may reach you in time. 1 win
write 'in hasto' on it, and I will pray
day and night that He will make it go
quickly, for Jess and I aro in such need
that unless you come to us soon, I do
not know what will become of us. Wo
havo mourned for you so long as dead
that I can scarcely writo now lor tho
beating of my heart at the thought of
seelniryoiidiraln.
Thouffh Mr. lluggins was often
called a rough, cold man, yet thero was
certainly a strango moisture in his eyes
as ho closed tho letter. In a moment
ho had taken in the whole situation.
Jessie's father, then, was not dead as
supposed, but had been separated from
lus wlfo and child on tnat terrible night,
and had lost sight of them. Tho sorow
ing woman had just heard that ho had
been seen seeking those who mourned
him; but it was evident that he was not
long to remain at Bocknort. What if
(Mischance of reunion should bo lost,
Theso words, "I will pray day and
night that God will make my letter go
quickly," and the wan, anxious face of
littlo Jess roso together bcioro Mr.
lliuririns' mind, and with a sudden
movement ho roso abruptly, saying half
aloud: "And my name is not lluggins if
it don t go quick, quicker even than she
thouirht!"
Striding from tho store and locking
tho door behind him, Mr. lluggins was
seen a littlo latter riding rap' jy to the
nearest railroad station.
"I want this telegram sent at oneo,"
he said, handing a slip of paper to the
clerk, on which was written.
"To Joint Carson, lloutmnn's Tavern, Hook
port :
'Joan snd I arc hero; come at 01100, and In
qulro at tlio Klkton store for tho house.
"MAur Cahsos."
Kockport was only a hundred miles
away, and Mr. lluggins est many on
expectant glance next day aloii tho
road leading from tho r'atlon. And
sure enough, about half an hour after
tho threo o'clock train had whistled, a
sun-burnt stranger with eager, anxious
faco, came down that road and hurriedly
entered the store.
"Can anyone tell me whero Mary
Carson lives'?" ho asked, nervously, of
Mr. lluggins.
"Yes, my friend, and I will lead you
a part of the way myself," answered tho
proprietor, promptly, nnd without losing
a moment the two were soon in sight of
the little log cabin.
"That's the house' said Mr. lluggins,
"you can easily find tho rest of tho way
alone," nnd with these words ho turned
back, leaving tho stranger to hasten
onward.
He heard the littlo dog give its quick,
yelping bark, nnd a backward glance
showed 1 'm Jessie already at tho gate,
and tho not her standing with clasped
hands motionless in tho door-way; nut
this was oil, and you and Mr. Hoggins
both will havo to Imaglno the rest of the
story. L. L.llobinson, in N. Y.Observer.
m
Too Much Jersey.
"Docs your wlfo wear a jersey f"
blandly asked the smooth-tongued dry
goods clerk of Farmer Furrow, who
was making a few purcliasesfor his hot
ter halt.
"Now, look a-here, young follow,"
said the old granger, with a look of
mingled scorn and ferocity, "don't yer
be too fresh. I mav bo a countryman,
but I'll be darned if I'll tako . "y gull
from yer."
" hv. I didn t mean a .ything, tim
idly retorted the clerk. "I merely asked
if your wife wore a jersey."
"Well. sir. if that's all yer want to
know I'll tell yer. She milks Jerseys
and feeds em and waters cm, fur, by
cosh! sho doesn't wear 'em, confound
yer pictcr!"-.V. J. JW.
We notice that tho new codo phy
sicians won a victory ot tho Academy
of Medicine, in New York Thursday
night by electing a full ticket. We
dou't know the ch1o, but presume it is to
put "lr." after tlio patient's name and
collect of tho administrator. Lou-ell
Vvttrur. j
According to reports an application
of gun-cotton nas been made in such a
manner that it will eventually supersede
the use of steam for the purposo of light
locomotion and driving small machin
ery. .V. Y. Tribune.
The sale of cigarettes to children
In Missonri is forbidden by law. 1
SMUGMUGGERY.
r!i AitonUlilitf Cliu Which Ilciult
from Itinorl of llcard and Muittclw.
A wavo of sinugmupgery is engulfing
tho land. To those who do not know
what tho sclentiflo term smugniuggery
means, I might explain that it refers to
those who transform themselves Into
sintigwumps by shaving off their whisk
ers and mustaches. It is a barber's
boom or boon, rather. The result of
this freak of fashion is that whiskers
and mustaches aro disappearing, with a
raphlity that is bewildering. A per
son pas-es his best friend and fails to
recognize him all on account of hit
sraugmug.
I desire to point out some of tho dis
asters that have occurred through the
slavish following of th:s new fashion. I
don't supposo that I shall be able to
check this growing evil, but the In
stances that have come to my k;nowl
edgo may serve as a warning to soma
who have not yet become sintigwumps.
There was John G. Stivers, for in
stance. Stivers woro a long, black
beard topped by a mustache, and you
doubtless have noticed when you spoke
lo him about anything that he hkd the
habit of striking his long, black beard
slowly in a way that certainly left the
Impression that Stivers was a deep- a
very deep thinker. I know that was
the effect it bad on rco. I remember a
few weeks ago meeting him, Saying:
"Well, Mr. Stivers, looks as i' we were
go ng to have a Kussiun war? i
Stivers stroked his beard thought
fully, and said:
"Yes, it looks that way. But
well, you wait a few days."
"Now." said I to myself as I left him,
"there's a man who has studied tho
Afghan matter in all its bearings. .No
llippant opinion there."
"Well, of course you vo seen Stivers
since ho shaved! The weak, Irresolute
mouth ond roced'ng chin is now in full
view. 1 happen to know that in a very
short time he was to havo been taken in
as a partner in tho house of Heady,
Mado & Co., tho clothiers, whose con
fidential clerk ho has been for so many
years manager I might say. Now he
thinks his whole trouble arises from tho
fact that,- when ho wont -into tho estab
lishment just after shaving Mr. Mado
approached him smilingly and said:
"Anything we can show you to-day,
sirP" Of course it mado a big laugh
when tho clerks saw that old Made had
been trying to sell tomethiugto his own
manager, but that was not tho trouble.
Mr. Hesdv himself told mo that it as
tonished him to think they had ever
sought tho advice of such a man, and of
courso now any mistakes that had hap
pened in over purchase and that sort of
ihinff wero laid to thochareo of Stivers'
suggestions. Now he is out of employ
ment, and no one ever prclixo tho
"Mr." to his name. It is pitilul to
see tho way his hand wanders aimlessly
around his smooth face searching for
the lost beard.
Then there was Dr. Schuyler Brown.
Ho saw his mistako In tituo, and has
loft tho city till his beard grows on
asain. His patients positively refused
K) 00 prescnoeu lor uy u uiijrai n juur-
Ing man. H.v tho time ho lo-.t half his
practice the facts of tho case dawned on
him, and , his lenvir.fj will doubtless
bring bock patients and beard.
I sco by the papers that Mrs. Simp
kins Calendar has got her divorce from
poor Simtik ns. Of courso the very
siirht of his smurmtig iu court was
enough to turn tho caso against him.
Simpkins wasu't a bad-looking fellow
when bearded like a paid, but the
transformation was something awful.
Why the man wus idiotic enough to
shave is a mystery to his friends. Ho
ought to liavo remembered how ho
looked without a beard.
Tho fashion spares neither o d nor,
young. I met old John Mortimer yes
terday out for tho first time in throe
weeks, and ho looke I haggard with tho
grav stubblo of a threo weeks' growth
011 his face. I think It served John
right. 1 told him a month ago that
that brutal dor would kill somebody
yet; but Mortimer thought because the
dog know him it was nil right It was
useless to tell old Mortimer that tho
brute had selected samples of tho cloth
ing of every friend that lind tho cour
age to call at tho house. When tho old
man came home that uiirlit shaved
smooth the dog did not recognizo him,
ond so kept him up tlio tree in the front
void till Mrs. Mortimer and young
John came homo from tho s.uging
meeting. Young John would have
brought him dow n from tho tree with
Ids revolver, too, if he had had it with
him, for the old man was sohoarso with
shouting that ho could not speak above
a whisper, and they thought ho was a
treed tramp.
It is rather curious how tho scar on
tho upper lip of that MeAdam who was
orrosted last week for tho Chicago de
falcation led to his being identified.
No 0110 was nimo astouished than
Drown. Drown said ho would have
trusted him with any amount Tho
caso has been so fully reported in the
papers that it is needless for one to go
over it Seems to mo MeAdam would
rather havo consulted safety than fash
ion. His mustache will havo a chaueo
to grow before he is at liberty to select
his own barber again.
You might havo noticed in tho society
columns some weeks a that voting
Frotnan was engaged to Stimson Jones
oldest Well, Unit match is oft. Came
off with Froman's beard. Wi.) said she
had no idea t:io corners of his mouth
ooivird'wed his cars to'such an extent
Sho hover dared say auything funny
for fear he would smilo." Finally the
match was broken off. Sho couldn't
land that mouth.
Of courso the abovo instances are
well known; otherwise I would not
mention them. It i-hows the surprising
effect of siuugmug'ery. Ix't the young
men of tills country think twico before
thev smuff thoir muM. Anti Smuamua,
in vctroii Free I'rtts.
Florida oranL'es aro beinr exported
r. 1
from Boston to Liverpool in largo quan-
ics. A 101 01 one numirca uoxes,
dieh were shinped recentlw arrived in
pood condition, and were sidd at satis-
tory pricea, although they camo in
eoninetiiion with the Mediterranean
oranges, which are sold in Kngland at
low prices.
THE SPECTER IN RED.
Sm(of Tradition! Currant Among
. j the Vrrneh People,
Tli) re exists a tradition that the Lou
vre, .ho great square and the Tuileriea
pjthire, where it stood over there to our
r ght,are haunted by a specter called
"Lo Petit Homme Rouge." The ap
pearance of this specter is always fol
lowed by a national misfortune civil
commotion, revolution, public disaster,
or tl 0 death of the head of State. When
Catrarine do Medicis built the Xuileries
she J 00k forcible possession of a lot of
oilifr people's property, . including a
butcher shop, tho owner of which was
known among his neighbors as tho "Lit
ti 1 Man in Hed," because of his bloody
! jsinoss. This butcher was tho witness
ol omo of the adventures of Kato do
M llcis, and, in order to bo sure of his
ili nee, the queen-mother had him do
e) od into a subterranean passageway
thsi t connected tho Tuileries with the
1.6 ivre. whero lie was murdered. The
! epij-it of this poor fellow took up its
uMdo in the garret of the new palace,
j and ever since ho has been a herald of
death or misfortune. . In the latter days
of the reign of tho grand king the
"JYtit Homme Rouge'' showed himself
lo h)uis XIV., and then followed a
ruSious and disastrous war, tho death
of the Duke of Hourgogno and his wife
whVm six days of each other, and then
the king's own death. Louis XV. next
mounted the French throne and was
called by his peoplo "It bien aime."
Ode day tho "Little Man in Red" showed
'Himself to tho king, and not long after
he died with smallpox, loathed and de
serted; ho died as hated and detested a
monarch as ever sat on a throne. I'oor
Louis XVI. must have seen tho butcher's
fhost the first night he slept in tho
uileries after that howling mob had
forced tho royal family to move into
Paris from Versailles. On the SJuth of
Juno, 1792, the sans culottes gathered
in this Place du Carrousel and forced
their way into the palace., For six long
hours the royal family were forced to
witness a delilo of the vilest scum
through such rich apartments. Tho
king and queen sat at the council table;
the Princess Elizabeth sat besido her
mother, who held tho young dauphin in
her arras, and from time to time stood
him on the table for the people to look
at. One fellow took off his red cap and
placed it on the head of the infant
dauphin, who began to laugh and
amuse himself by peeping out from
undor it at the crowd. Tho beast of a
Santerre, finding that this baby incident
was putting tho rabble into a good
humor, shouted out: "Take off that
can. Don't you see it is stifling the
child?" Among the spectators of this
extraordinary tccno was a young lieu
tenant of artillery, who, as ho walked
away when all was over, remarked:
"With theso cannon planted at the
fiolace door, I could have swept the
'laco du Carrousel of all this canaille in
five minutes." That officer, Bonaparte
by name, was destined to be the imme
diate successor of Louis XVI. in the
Tuileries, and only three years later he
had an opportunity to show the effect of
skillfully handled guns on a mob, when
from the steps of St. Roch Church he
cleared the same place and put an end
to tho reign of terror. fart's Cor. K. 0.
licayune.
Something Better.
She stood on tho front steps gazing
at tho eclipse through a bit of smoked
glas, and tho old fellow stopped his
team at tho curbstone and stood up In
his wagon and gazed all around in
search of tho attraction. Discerning
nothing unusual ho called out:
"What is it, marra what's tho riot?"
"The eclipse," she answered.
"Whnris it?"
"On the sun."
"Y-e-s, does seem a lectio dim up
thor," he said, after a long squint,
"but, Lor'-a-massy, it's nuthin lur
grown folks to wasto their timo over!
If you want to see sunthin' better
sunthin' real excitin' come out hum
with 1110. I've got a livo-legged calf,
a two-headed chicken nnd an oak tree
as was struck by lightnin', and you kin
seo 'em all without a glass an' have a
bilod dinner on top of 'em for nuthin'.
'Clip-e of tho sun, eh! Well, now,
how little it docs take to trp some folks
offtho'.r balance!" Detroit Free Press.
m
A Parisan Suicide.
A dramatic sceno was cnactod re
cently in tho Ruo Pierre Charron. A
man of lean countenaneo, worn, hag
gard, unkempt, and thinly clothed,
stood at tho corner of the street, a prey
lo tho deepest distress. Addressing the
passers-by, ho declared that ho was
ruined, and that his children hod not
touched food for days. Suddenly he
drew a'revolver from his pocket, turned
it toward his breast; and tired. He was
raised and carried to tho entrance of a
house, and upon his cont being opened
his shirt was found to bo deeply dyed
with blood, t A warm-hearted member
of tho crowd which had assembled un
dertook to make a collection for the
wounded man's family, and was pro
ceeding to pass round the hat when the
polico camo to transport the suicide to
tho hospital. Hereupon thesuicido dis
appeared with tho revolver and tho
warm-hearted man with tho collection,
making, it !.s said, until lost to sight,
tho best short distanco timo ever known
in western Paris. Paris Cor. N. 1'.
Evening Post.
An improved lead-headed nail for
nso in putting on corrugated iron roofs
lias made its appearance in the market
The shank of the nail is round and suf
ficiently sharp at the point to euter the
wood readily, and may be driven home
in tho usual way. The head flat
tens under tho blows of the hammer.
or a punch may be used, which will give
it a conical head. I be lead of the bead
comes in contact with the sheet iron in
such a way as to lessen the chance of
leaking. Chicago Journal.
Mrs. Gadabout "Well, they say
woman is a conundrum, anyway.1' Mr.
G. "You are just about tho easiest co
nundrum I ever did see. am?
Why?" "I never come home without
finding you out" 1 'htiad Aij Call.
ATTORNEY-GENERAL GARLAND.
fa 1'oodrrmn Jok. Which Colonel Dick J
Bright ringed Ipon "'".
Colonel Dick Bricfht, of Indiana, bears!
off tho honor of perpetrating the first.
joke at the expense 01 me new auw
General, himself an inveterate joker and
a hearty lover of good fun. While
Colonel Bright wasJSergcant-at-Arms ot
the Senate his personal relations with
Mr. Garland, then a member of that
body, wero intimate and cordial. The
two'eenllemen, indeed, became warm
friends, and havo since remained so.
To-day Colonel Bright walked into the
Department of Justice ,and mado his
way back into tho Attorney-General's
private ollice. It was after olliee hours,
and in a few moments tho Attorney-
C. nnr.it mflitn h!a Annonranoe.' The
day had been a busy one, and Mr. Gar
land was very tired. Into both of his
cars since early in the morning had
been poured a ceaseless flood of praise
and appeal in the interests of men seek
ing oiuce.
liiffc -.lit f,.llnw." snid the Attornev-
rinnnrnl ml vnneino- with his hand ex-.
tended and weariug a pleasant smile,;
I m giaa to see you.
Th Iwn el.asned hands and dropped
down on a sofa side by side. Mr. Gor
land had a pleasant chat in prospect,
and the hope of hearing a new story or
two.
fr Atrnrnov-General. V0U look fa-'
tigued," said Colonel Bright, sympa
thetically. "Dick, I am fatigued. I'm glad it's,
all over for tho day, and I'm glad you.
are here. It's refreshing to talk to a,
man on some other subject than office.";
Mr. Garland took one of Colonel
Blight's hands and mbbod it down;
with a gcntlo stroke. Colonel Bright,
all unobserved, smiled a very wicked,
srniltf. Ho then straightened up and as
sumed a , slightly embarrassed and se-'
nous expression 01 lace. ,
'Knnntnr hn silld. dl'OrminST into tllO
old title, "I'm sorry to disappoint vou;
but 1 am seeking oiuce myscii. 1 uavo
como in late to eret an uninterrupted
audience."
,Mr. Garland's faco lengthened and a
emnll oiirli psenneil him. But ho rallied
" -ij p - 1
and said in his old way:
"Well, 1 m giaa to seo you, anynow.
State your case, old fellow."
U'olinirn nTu-nva htPt food friends.
Senator," began Colonel Bright; "the
very best, I trust. I served you when I
could when in office." '
"You did more than I ever asked you
to. nnd I can never forsret it." trencr-
ously admitted Mr. Garland.
Well, then, 1 ask a small return
now," replied Colonel isright. "1
don t want any of these places here at
home, whero there is such a scramble,
but I want to go abroad. If there is no
other applicant deemed worthier of the
place, I should like to bo mado In
spector of Pork at Jerusalem. I am
well indorsed for tho place, as vou will
see," handing over sonio papers. "I
ask your assistance to get it. I can im
agine no objection to me, unless it
should be urged that, being from a hog
raising country, I might become the
oroiihirn of ft nork rinp' and force only
- ....... - 1 . b
one kind of meat on the Jerusalem mar
ket. My character, however, is good
enough, I trust to survive such an as-,
sault"
Mr. Garland had mechanically taken
tho Colonel's papers and heard him
rlii'min-h without once catehin? on. He
had actually begun to read tho applica
tion, which had been mado out in due
form, before tho light dawned upon
him. Then his lips bejran . working,
nnd, the start once made, the corners
of his mouth ran nway toward his ears,
and the Attorney General subsided in a
hearty roar of laughter. Colonel Bright
joined in, nnd the two friends again
shook hands.
"Dick," said Mr. Garland, rising and
walking off a few steps, "what will you
take to go over and try your game on
Bavard? Do it; and'you can com
mand me for tho best dinner in Wash
ington." But Colonel Bright was afraid. lie
felt that ho didn't know the Secretary
well enough. Ho contented himself
with lunching with Mr. Garland at Mr.
Garland's expense on what he had al
ready accomplished. Washington Ttle
gram. '
m m
The Average Cost of Living.
How many persons havo even a rough
idea of the average sum upon which by
far the larger part of the citizens of tho
t'nited States aro fed, clothed and
housed? A recent statistician estimates
that eighty per cent, of the population
of this country is supported by from
forty-live to fifty cents per capita a day.
At tho latter ligure this makes 164.25
as tho average annual cost of living;
but, as by average we mean the balance
between extremes, thero must be many
persons who havo not even this sum to
live upon. That fifty cents a day is a
generous estimate will be admitted when
it is remembered that many mill opera
tives earn only from live to seven dollars
a week, and that the wages of farm
hands run from twotity to thirty dollars
a month, and that on these sums several
persons ore often supported. When' it
is remembered, too, that some other
human beings havo a yearly income
equal to what is necessary for the sub
sistence of .r00 or 1.000 of these "aver
ago" mortals, the startling contrast be
tween tho extremes of our modern so
ciety must be most evident. Philadel
phia Iiullctin.
A Pin Piano.
Mr. K. M. Taber, tho librettist of
f'Desirce," was a clerk in tho Tension
Office, and his desk was immediately
next to t'"e wainscoting of the hall.
After ho left his successor mado a dis
covery. Ranged along the wooden
wainscoting was a row of pins, the low
est deeply imbedded in the wood, the
highest simply far enough indented to
keep it from" falling out There was
such an evident purpose in this row of
pins that the attention cf tho chief of
the divis'on was called to it. Running
Irs finger-nail along-lhe row, ho found
that each pin represented a natural note
or a setui-tone. It took but a minute
more to play a tune upon this pin piano,
and. until tho novelty wore o.V. Mr.
Tabor's ingenious arrangement of pins
was a source of amusement to his form
er fellow-clerks. If aMnjlon Post.
SCHOOL AND CHURCH.
To stab the people's Free School it
to piereo our country in tho heart Is
matricide W. U. Venable, in Intelli
gence. The cost of the maintenance of re
ligion In the United Slates is estimated
at one-half cent per annum for each in
dividual. It Is doubtful," says the New
York Graphic, "if there are fifty men in
the United States who speak and writo
the English tonguo correctly." It is
probable that every one of these fifty or
less is teaching a foreign language in a
university. Chicago Current.
Tho annual meeting of the Ameri
can Tract Society was hold at Washing,
ton. D. C, recently The reports showed
receipts of the year, fcJo7,470; ex
penditures. $345,083; books, tracts and
periodicals circulated. 9,250,000; num
ber of colporteurs, 161, who saado 155,
225 family visits.
The nine leading denominations in
London provido sittings as follows:
Church of England, 677.645; Congre
gationalism, 172,547; Baptists. 136,178:
Wesloyans, 1)6,140; Salvation Army,
a,180; Presbyterians, 82.221; Primitive
Methodists. 17,785; Methodist Free
Church, 17,100; Roman Catholic 41,
190. The growth of the Free School in
popular favor has had a striking dem
onstration in Berlin. In 1883, 122.098
children received gratuitous instruction
as against 63,783 in 1872, while only
34,646, or 22 In 100. children paid for
instruction in 1883, as against 33,995, or
39 in 1872. At tho present timo about
four-fifths of tho Berlin children are
educated at public exponso.
In New York there are 489 churches,
chapels and missions, which have ac
commodations for 375,000 persons. Tho
396 Protestant places of worship can
accommodate 275,000. Of the 804.782
children in the city, 115,826 ore in Sunday-schools,
while 103,329 is the esti
mated attendance at the day schools,
public and private. The current ex
penses of tho churches amount to about
13,000,000 a year. iV. Y. Uerald.
In a report to tho Baptist General
Association Dr.' Evans states that while
Pennsylvania had a population of about
4,500.000 only 500.000 aro members of
Evangelical churches. ' There are eleven
counties with a population of 300,000
without a single Baptist Church and five
counties each having only a- singlo
church of the Baptist denomination.
There is only about one Baptist to every
sixty-six or sixty-seven of the popula
tion. A writer in the Congregalionalist
says that when some ono nskod Rev.
Dr. Meredith how he would deal with
Christians who refuse to join the church,
the eminent divine made this character
istic reply: "I would talk with them, I
would not tell them they could not go
to heaven unless they joinod the church,
but that they had better do so. I think
I would talk to them in this way.' If I
were going to Europe I would go down
to the Cunard wharf aud take
passage with others on a largo vessel
made on purpose for such a voy
age. But if I were a fool I would take
an eighteen-foo't dory!"
PUNGENT PARAGRAPHS.
Speaking of names, one of the
"chJiraeters" of Providence, 1L, I. is an
aged negro of diminutive stature, who
is happy in the possession of the name ot
Glorious Valorious Georgo Washington
Peck Hamilton Stout iv. Y. Tribune.
Hugo Arnot ono day when panting
with asthma was almost deafened by
the n,oise of a brawling fellow who was
sidling oysters below his window. "The
extravagant rascal," said Hugo, "he has
wasted as much ibreath as would have
served me for a month."
Astronomers tell us in thoir own
simnlo, intelligible way that tho grad
ual lengthening of the days is duo to the
"obliquity of the ecliptic' to the terres
trial horizon." This ought to set at
rest the foolish idea that the days are
longer because the sun rises earlier and
sets later. Chicago Tribune.
Little girl on a visit to St. Louis
"O, mamma, I think this must be
heaven." "Do you, pet? Why. "Don't
you seo, mamma, all the ladies and gen
tlemen have wings, but they aro on the
sides of their heads instead of on their
backs." , "Hush, darling. Those are
not wings."
"You say, Mr. Simpkins, you want to
marry?" observed Miss Do Silva. "Yaas,
I want to find tho richest and prettiest
woman in the world, who will marry
mo for love. Can you tell mo whero to
lind her? "Indeed, I can't," replied
tho young lady. "My acquaintance
with insane asylums is very slight"
Drake's Traveler's Magazine.
A young lady at homo from boarding-school
for tho holidays was asked if
sho would havo roast beef, when she re
plied: "No. I thank you; gastronomical
satiety admonishes me that I have ar
rived at tho ultimate stage of deglutition
consistent with dietetic integrity." Tho
young lady nover was asked if she
would havo. anything over again.
Chicago Inter Ocean.
"Do you cat hash with a fork?"
asked the landlady of her new boarder.
"No, ma'am," ho respondod, kindly.
"Ah.you eat it with a knifo.then?" with
some evidence of disapproval. "No,
ma'am," ho repeated, moro timidly
than before. "Indeed. Pray, may I
ask how you do eat it?" "Yes, ma'arii."
"How?" "With tear and trembling,
ma'am." Ho left the same day. Mer
chant Traveler.
Many men of many minds:
Themtin who writes. nj writes In verso,
Is seldom worth a tinker 1 curse.
The man who plat's I lie violin.
Is always la.ier than sin.
, The man ho thinks he knows It all,
1) splays miirlity Kitrht of (rail.
The man who thinks Mmseif the best,
Is hn whom we should ail detest.
Hut he who pays the printer is
The noblest Koman in the "bit"
Miff Spnni (Ttx.) runtl7nipH.
"Pa, does tho sausago come out of
its hole on Candlemas day and look
around for its shadow so as to make an
early sprinj. Ma says it does." "What
aro you 4 Iking about?" said the papa
to tho little boy. "It is the ground, hog
that comes out of its hole, not the
satire." "Well ain't sausage ground
hou?" and the little one went off on his
roller skates as though shot out of
iron, leaving the old man to worry over
tho inc'pient punster in an otherwise
respectable family. Peek's Sun.