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About The Eugene City guard. (Eugene City, Or.) 1870-1899 | View Entire Issue (May 12, 1883)
' .DMl'IID MOM. ,hriWTll'"'OUU,,0fU)UT" Lm the Oft-UlUd loll TnerhT worked In Vila, j lonlr- tie golden f.ll: , k6" . niter bive boarded wealth; .til!T.iitmet be rough: I'" h.ir home iu-7 . Will ""..ri, -ill ml OWQ ;i'f,K?th. .iroDK rlhl .rra ,ihln beyond mriBPiBWn . sW.I'i 'IS ib wlih prkling mirth 5 -eVuh oiird hfd upod til the earth . mii ud We muol, tooi f..nk ihi lord, wbo bu mid me mrocg. (.".mSJd. Ii the Idle drone '".MmplrtontheUnd. WHAT SHE FOISD. r..,i Rtaffor'd was a woman to bo -..I Whr not? Rich, a widow and Wang, or at least far from old, tie ,.0le world lay at ner iuev, uu i uau ,t to reach out ber Land and take what i .i. nt(1iinrr lint hnrminpsH! . XILIIfH o . v , ... n 1 1 ,l had eluded her and never seonied ther from her than on mw -uuristmas ir wuen o k0 ... 0 -j --- I- ' .'mnnrinnt I p tlnnn if bllO tapping mii"vu... rih her exquisite ian. isuuuru oitu j MVer forgot her fan. With it she red constantly, and those who knew toll from the movements "'the pretty thing just the state of its " . min.i Her fans were as uniaue uherself, and I eould no more describe n, an T nnuld doscribe her moods U thoughts. Her favorites were a Dure L ti,':i,nii4 And exeouted . bv Italy's faest sculptor;' a- black jet, at whose Lisa swayed to ana iro in Hie air irau liea of-tbe valieys, SHd one or goia, set iiih small turquoise stones in heathen- U designs but l am not leiung me : ry of ner toys, out oi me woman uur i olio otrtnil that wintrv dav amid L luxurious surroundings, watching lazy snowtlaKes lau on tuo pasEers- Tes, the old year is almost gone and eKew Year will soon De cere, way . I not hannv? Who oan tell? I sim- lyknow I nm nat, and for once refuse jWe my house thrown open to hun irali on New Year's day.who bow them ilresin and ont with, the senseless bids, "I wish you a happy JNew lear." This woman, onvied Dy all wno Knew er, nevertheless, ma to be pitied. The aid had proved to her. as to many an ther, a eolden apple of Sodom, out- birdly brilliant and dosirablo, but with h hn . Kim . linil novfir known riov- (Ji-tj, neyer been oompolled to toil, never yreo soiled her tiny lingers with work; , at she bail .missod also the mental dis 'Inline that results from theso, and tho -'Ysui puruui, niaicxa uuu uiuiuuis rea the love that a woman has a right .'expect when she marries, for heis had m little more than a business arrange :ent, made and urged by her guardian, st she should fall into tho hands of r.rtnae-bnnters: and when tho shackles pre broken by death, the sense of relief kit so sweet that no thought of marriage id since ever ontored her mind. Of jrourse she had been sought, and porsiBt- atly, but with a charming firmness sho w kept her lovers her friends, by the so" she uttered, and lived the years iit came and went, as othors weary :tted have done. Ooco oulv, and that in her sohool-girl ', she had felt the thrill of happi- -n; bat this was now so far away, so '-nt in her memory, had flashed across ermeso suddenly and then vanished rever, that it now seemed a mere dream her brain; Again she looked from ie window. The flakes were falling sore rapidly; great, soft flakes that empted one to raise the face to feel the winced things brush against it; and the wutcu, wuu wim uuiigai lUtti uriav u so near, laaghed and shouted and iMe4 as merrilv as if thev were ono frith the storm. Thirty-two I Life half gone, and all :Qt in a chose after something that s not exist. I'll mnke a vow on this uistmas Eve, and if I fail to keep it ;lJ its ghost rise up to condemn me! fon this day no thought of happiness jrl enter my mind. . It shall be ban fped with the fairies and hob go Wins I M'lieved in when n child and qnite as -j'uicai as tuey." At this moment her eyes fell on a con ? of miserablo creatures, barely oov- "ita rags that fluttered in tho storm ttflacsof diHlrpsa. nq Rliivnrincr hands mi their '-'PUSStrs-bv for a. .nin ", 'Ibcre, Isadore Stafford 1 What have WLOQ to SAT Tin to n( nnli.nnlnA.a nv mioavff IHlOajr as Snnh nennlaarmf. in tlm wnrlrl? Bllj.". . ' . -tij years! Ten times thirty are three Tftared. Tf T shonl.l liv thirtv vears 'Tricon 1,1 at lonof lift thraa Vinnilrp,! ;"ils from degradation to hnmanitv. -jpm suffering to comfort. I'll try it! E wea is a new one and pleases me. wkoowsbntlife will be interesting ier all? How strange if, after Of 1 i uim uver lu uuu uucnj, ho" r Dd mJ r8t hapPy NeW Year . "h inspiration tnnfe fnnrnnirii nn.W!- of her, and after ordering her car- -ue nastily dressed for the aueet. ot. Lukes, John." ,y ould think she had oftan been to have seen her run up the steps nog tbe bell; but the matron did I k w "ognizfl ner, ana bukmi ui J pectant attitude to hear what her llffn errand might be. f Jor beds all filled?" asked the jtocraUc-looking stranger. H ' fe over-crowded, madam, and compelled to decline some i7'ts'rlackof room." vV.hat hM done with them?" J 'og. I fear." . Oia T0a - nnneu for tl were provided? leS indeed!" for them if Iwl indeed!' "IIow soon do yon think tho children could be moved? "Tomorrow." "Itavecome on a singular mission to-night, and I trust you can help me to fulfil it. A wealthy lady has taken a whim irto her bead of opening her bouse on Christmas to some Buffering children. 8he dooi not wish her name to be known in the matter, but des red me to see If yeu oould direct half-a-dozen children that are absolutely suffering for want ot care and comfort; or, better still, sond nursoi and children to her house to morrow. She will kocp them until bene It od, or until you can find room for them here. There will bo a lady iu charge who will see that they want for nothing." "I should not call the lady's action a whim, bnt a most Christian like act. I wish all who hae wealth would do like wise, and I can promise yon nurses and childen to-morrow." "Thanks! She will be delighted. Ton will also send your physician?" "Of courso." "To morrow, thon, at Lexington avenuo," and bowing, she passed ont into tho shadows, jubilant over ber suc cess. "Home, John." As she rested among the soft, warm robes sho murmured: "I felt very guilty to boar taat good woman say, 'Christ like,' when it was morcly a whim for novelty, but already I am enjoying the plan immensely. Everything works like a charm. The old world is pasung away; already tho new is da vvning. What a blessed inspiration ! Who knows but that something in the UDerse I shall find, if not happiness, real blessedness?" "Is she in her right mind, do yon think,Mary?"askod Alico.Mrs. Stafford's ma'd, of the waitrou, when the house was electrified by her plans. "And that's what I've beon wondering to myself since I see the change iu her manner. Don't I remomber going into her room that very day, before sho wont out into the storm, aud soeing her sitting in her great crimson chair, with her hands crossed and her eyes having that far-away look that is never good for mor tals to have. I see, of course, that she did not wish anything, and thought I would go down and have a fow words with my cousin about receiving calls, and when I came back she was gone and you know how we fretted about her for two mortal hours. At last she camo back, and her face shone as if Bhe had been talking with angola; and taking me off by herself she told me to make every thing ready in all the spare rooms for company, and to put np an extra bed in the largest. Of ouurse I supposed she was going to astonish hor friends by some elegant entertainment, but when I hinted at this she said: 'Oh, no! It is hotter than that, Miry. Entertainments make heart aches, and this is to make happiness, I am going to keep the holi days in a new way. Perhaps tho New Year will be really a New Year.' You soe that sounded very strange. What could New Year's bo but New Year's anyhow? When she told me it was cripples and children from the hospital who wero coming, I knew for certain she must be a little out of her mind, but she looked so beautiful and bright I had not the heart to- oppose her. Something has happened to her, as sure as I'm a sensi ble girl." Not only were Alice and Mary, but every domostio in the house was con vinced that their mistress would soon bo an inmate of a lunatio asylum.when they saw not one or two, but half-a-dozon pale-faced cripples brought into tho house and placed in the elegant rooms that had hitherto been dovoted to tho great and honored among her guests. Not a thing was allowed to be changed in these rooms. Delicate ornaments, Btatuettes, pictures, books, all remained as before, and under the elegant conuter panes and blankets lay wistful-eyed, suf fering children, who almost forget their pain in the beautiful world where they found thomselves. Nurses cared for them, and in and out moved Isadoro Stafford, dressed in a plain blaok dress and white cap, not unliko a Sister of Mercy. Every eye brightened when she came in sight with her beautiful face, and as she passed from room to room, smooth ing a pillow here, or patting a cheek there, the little visitors, as sho called them, drew a long breath and belioved that they had already reached heaven and an angel had ministered unto them. Amoug these children was one toward whom Mrs. Stafford felt partioularlv at tracted a bright-faced boy of perhaps ten years of age, with great brown, lu minous eyes, and a mass of golden brown curls clustering over his head. He told her his name was Arthur Cleve land; that he had no parents- no one in all the world but Kitty. Kitty was his sister, and was a little thing, whom he was drawing in his little wagon the day on which he had been hurt by the run away horses. "Oh mn'am! iust think if it had been Kitty!" said the poor littlo fellow: ;l should have died ior sue s au i uavo iu the world.,' "And whero is she now, Arthur? "I havo not seen hor sinco. A woman took her home and will take care of her till I get well. When will my back got well?" "Pretty soon I hope. Would you like to see her?" His eyes were all the answer she needed, and before night little Kitty was playing on his bed, and a crib near by told that she was a fixture, also. Sho was not handsome like her brother, but winsome and attractive, with such cun ning baby ways, that Mrs. Stafford, who had never seen much of baby life.thought her a miracle of smartness. The servants had been forced to bo liove their mistress no longer insane.but merely giving way to of of those freaks which they had becime accustomed to, though, as Bridget he cook, aid "Wbo would ever imagine shed be guilty of turning this iligant house into a hospital full of cripples and nurses and the like?" . , "Well, if it's her way of being happy, I am sure we need not object. It's all the better for us, for if these children were not here the house 'ud be thrown open to hundreds of gentlemen New Year's day, and then we would have to be in all day," said Alice. "I. for we, am mighty glad ahe'a amused herselfc in that way, for I want to ee my friends at my cousin's." . . , During these days Mrs. Stafford had not seen the physician, who came and went at regular hours, and who could not quite understand why his little patients were inmates of one of the largest pal aces of the city. Tho night before New Year's at last came, cold and stormy, Mrs, Stafford had been out all day, ordoring flowers and fruits and all sorts of gifts for her guests, and only returned home when the gas was lighted in tho stroets. ban ning np to her room to remove her wraps, hor cheeks aglow with happiness and health, she went to hor pet's room and found, not Arthur and Kitty and the nurse merely, but a tall, heavily-bearded man, who stood in the center of the room, tossing Kitty like a ball in the air. Such crowing and laughing from Kitty! Suohjoyaud clapping of hands from Arthnr! Mrs. Stafford stood for a moment un seen and unnoticed, enjoying the ;soene, and feeling more genuine happiness than she bad known in many a year. Sud denly Kitty turned and saw ber, and reaching out her hands to be taken, sprang from the doctor's luto tho arms of Isadoro Stafford, utterly regardless of tho fact that she was quoen of society. To Kitty she was a beautiful woman, with a loving heart, or perhaps Bhe was mere ly the personification of comfort. Cud dling closo to her guardian, sho turned to look at tho doctor and play coquotto with him, as babies have done sinco tho days of Cain. Mrs. Stafford also looked np and bowed. The doctor stood trans fixed. ' "Is it possiblo, Isadore, that we moot thus and over the gulf of years and changes, stand face to face onoe more? Little I thought that you were tho Lady bountiful who was ministering to my little patients the largest dose of health they could have had. Tell me of your self." "Come into the library. There is lit tle to tell. Yon have followed your ideal that is easy to soe. I have lived a nseless, tedions lifo without aim or profit. This freuk that brought you to my door was only a dream . that led mo to hope for happiness by doing good to others. All selfishness, after all, yon see." "How beautiful you are, Isadoro! How well all these elegant surroundings be come you! It is well you did not marry me. A doctor's life has littlo luxury in it." ' There was a tone of bitterness in his voice as ho spoke, that for a moment blotted out all conventionalities of so ciety, and almost defiantly she said in reply, . "Luxuries and happiness aro not syn onymous. I havo never seen an hour's happiness since wo parted until I brought theso children here. You have had to work, have suffered weariness and expo sure, bnt have no doubt had a happy home to come to when tho day was gone. ' "Did you suppose I would marry? Did you fancy I was like a woman? Keady to vow to love and honor when I know it was a lie?" ho answered still more bit terly. "It is true, I have beon happy, but it has beon iu tho lino of my duty at least, I have not been miserable. My homo has been wherever sickness and suffering called mo, and the years have passed quickly becauso so full of cares.'' "Poor Allen! Mino has been infinitely worse. I have dono no good, and the years have dragged their slow length along, each more tedious than tho last." And so the two talked over tho years that had corno and gone since they parted until the clock on tho mantel struck and reminded him that others wero waiting for him to bringv comfort and relief. With a long, kindly pressure of ber hand, ho said "Good-night," and shut ting the door softly, left her alone. liow tho memories crowded! They came in at every door, and hung about every pioturo and cornor. They sang in her heart and danced in her eyes. Thoy blotted out the present and in its place painted pictures of her school-days. Bo neath their powor lifo had suddenly be come a beautiful thing, and every hour a blessing. "Of all strange things that ever hap pened this is the strangest," said the so ciety belle to the young gentleman by hor side, a day or two after Easter. "Is adore Stafford married! The heavens must bo going to fall! 1 should as soon expect to hear of Mother Mary AngeluB being niorried, for, surely, she is more agreeablo to gentlemen than this cold, elegant creature, that has lived so long among us and has never cared for any one," "The fact of hor being married is not as strango as the way it was done, ac cording to my notion," replied the gen tleman. "I believe in Cupid; that any veteran he aims at will fall. I always thought she would find her fato some time. These proud icebergs always do; but I nover thought she'd marry a doo tor and turn into a sister of charity. To think of the men sho has refused!" "Thoy say he was au old friend, and some one told me he was hor first lover. If so, that accounts for everything. Her maid told a friond of mine that it was tho strangest ceremony ever seen in New York. You know she did not receive New Year's, and everybody was disap pointed, because it had been a favorite house for callers. Well, I happened to know what was going on behind those closed blinds, whilo hundreds of elegant gentlemen were dropping their cards in her basket. Shall I tell you abont it?" "By all means." "Well, you will scarce believe me when I tell you that her parlors were as brilliantly lighted and as elegantly deco rated as if sho were to sit in them, dressed by Worth, and adored by the multitude and all for what? For a few hospital children to enjoy. They were brought down into the parlor to receive their gifts, and then they were served in the dianing-room to a regular swell din ner. Of course the doctor was there, tnd they say she looked as happy as a girl. She had only met him the night before for the first time since she was a girl. There must be a vein of romance in her nature, or she would never have taken such a freak into her head. Well bred pecple should never have freaks." "Yet this must have done a great deal of good. Think of the blessing to those wretched children. I never thought she seemed happy in socity." "It must have been her own fault then. Worth as much as she is, I think I should manage to be happy," replied the fash ionable yonng lady. "Yon prefer money te friends, then?" ill is our best friend, I think." "I fancy as Mrs. Stafford she fosnd life rather lonely," was the persistent re joinder of the yonng goutleman. "I hope she'll be happy." "Never f oar. Latolove marriagosare always happy," repliod the bello. "And she was marrid at Easter." "Yes, quiotly in church, and she has begun her new life by adopting a littlo boy and girl, who wore hor guests. I wonder if she'll give np fashionable life, aud we shall lose hor nobby entertain ments. I think it will be horrid if sho does." Mrs. Dr. Campbell did not forgot her society friends; but, after a time, gave a grand reception, to which all were in vited; after which sho dovoted herself to hor home and tbe wrotchod and suffer ing, until, not ton a year, but double that nunibor, were lifted into a now world by the power ot her woman's heart. "When I gave ap seeking happinoss, I found it, ind blessedness also," she said. Time's Mirror. The approach of age first shows itself about tho eyes. Lines como, faintly at first, then deeper and deeper, until the incipient crow's foot are indicated, devel oped, revealed. Tho woman, who, look ing in her glass, perceives tho lines di verging from tho outer cornor of hoc eyes knows that she has reached an era in hor life. Sho recognizes it with a sigh, if sho is a vain, a lovely or a world woman; with a smile, perhaps, if she has children in whom sho can live her own youth over again. But it oan nevor be a gny smile. Nono of ns, men or wo men, liko to fool youth that precious possession slipping away from us. But wg should never bo on the lookout for crow's feet or gray hairs. Looking for them is sure to bring them, for thinking about them brings them. Tears form a part of the language of the eye, which is eloquent enough when sparingly nsod for other reasons than that of adding to their mute eloquenco. Tears are a dis figuring expression of emotion, and those who get into the habit of weeping ovor small vexation do much toward acquiring a oaroworn, miserable expres sion and are sure to look old before their time. Excessive weeping has been known to not only injure, but actually destroy the sight. Few woman look pretty or even interesting in . tears, though it has long been a pleasant no tion in poetry and romance to suppose that they do. Many womon, some men and most children moke most disfiguring and distorting grirnances while crying; and the lady who thinks she can work upon a man's feelings by a liberal dis play of tears should study a becoming more of produoing them before her look ing glass. Grimaces soften no heurts, and tears, accompanied by tho usual dis tortion, have a hardening effect, if not a visible ono. In a prettily written book, not probably out of print, purporting to be tho Btory of the lifo of ono of Milton's wives, tho author makes that poot say of his wifo's eyes after crying that they ro semblod "tho sun's clear shining after rain," a very pretty natural object, in deed, but during the rain inself the ob server is not inclinod to bo bo compli mentary. Grimaces of a somewhat similar order are frequently made during the action of laughter. Care should always be taken with children to prevent their falling into this habit. It frequently readies such a pitch as to rendor the laughter positively unsightly. The face is distortod and out of drawing, the eyes disappear, and the lips aro drawn up, revealing half an inch of pale pink gum. This peculiarity some times runs in families, partly from un conscious imitation. I know one family whoso grimaces during laughtor ore most ludicrously alike. When they are all assemblod at the dinncr-tablo and a joke goes around, there is not a single eye left in tbe family. Much, if not ajl of this could bo provented by duo oare in childhood. Tho laugh can be culti vated quite as much ns the voice. Ac tresses tuko lessons in laughing with occasionally vory charming results. I do not, howevor, adviso that such teach ing should begin in early childhood, lest it should dostroy spontaneity and pro duce an effect of artificiality; but I vory Btrongly rooommend mothers to chock a disposition to make grimaces during thoir ohildren's indulgence in mirth. A (ireat Country. "Yes, gentlemen," continued the Dakota man, "we have got the biggest country, tho biggest people, and the biggest farms there are anywhore on earth. What d'ye think of farms throe or four hundred miles square?" and tho Dakota man leaned back and enjoyed the astonishment of the mob. ' "What d'yo raise, chiefly?" asked a quiet man, who had taken it all in. "Wheat," roplied the man from Dakota. "We don't do any business but wheat." "I don't think I want any of it," re marked the quiet man. "It looks to me as though there couldn't bo any houses to live in up that way." "That's so'mnrmurtd the crowd. "Houses!" exclaimed the gontloraan from Dakota. "Houses, houses! Why, when I say that territory contains moro and hotter buildings than all the rest of the United States put together, I am ashamed of myself for the mildness in which I draw it. Ilouses! Gentlemen, it is a positive fact Jhut there isn't a square foot in that territory that isn't built over, and in some cases they have to run poles off the roofs of the buildings already erected, and on thoBe polos they have built houses right over the streets and roads. That's what keeps ns so warm in winter and cool in summer. The cold and sunlight never gets through." "Do I understand you that every foot of that country is roofed in?" demanded the quiet man." "Is that a fact, or are you gasing?" "JuHtaa sure's you'ie born," replied the Dakota man, promptly and con fidently. "Ii a man goes into that dis trict with the idea of building, he's go ing to be left hard." "In that case," rejoined the quiet man, slowly "in that case, you will be kind enongb to explain to me just where those big farms yon have been speaking of are located." "Stranger," said the Dakota man. "Stranger, yon think yon have put a poser, bnt there is iust where we ntilize everything that leads to wealth. Gentle men, them farms are on tbe tops of the houses, and we pnt them np there so as to let them get the sun, and at the same time koep thorn out of tho wet! You see, wheat'' Bat thoy interrupted him with a brick, and rolled him in the mud, and when the polioo got him away from them, ho explainod, frankly, that they would do for police in Brooklyn, but out whershe lived every poliocman contained ever six hundred thousand square miles, and that it only took two to keep tho wholu territory straight. Brooklyn Eagle. The (Jticfu's Bedchamber. Court circles have latoly beon not a littlo agitated in their august minds over a matter which your readers will be glad to hear has at last been settled to every ono's satisfaction. I refer, of course, to that immensely important ap pointment ot extra bodohamber lady to the Quoen. This pro-eminont distinc tion has just beon conferred on tho Duchess of Bedford. It cun be hold only by a peeress, and tbe Duchess has for her colleagues the Countesses of Mount Edgecombe, Mayo, Gainsboro', aud two others, Theso are all "extras," and aro aidod by eight ordinary ladies of the bedohamber. But lot no Republican reador, whether in Franco, Switzerland or America, fancy that theso extra and ordinary ladies can singly or collect ively fulfill the arduous duties in con nection with tho royal sleeping apurt mont. They are assisted by twelve "bodohamber womon" note tho grada tion in title who have a claim on Hor Majesty, either by roason of their own or by their husband's services. A small salary Is attached to each office, which, however, is esteemod not so much for its money value as beoause it brings tho bearor within tho charmed circle of court lifo. Tho real work of attending to the (jueon's bedroom is performed by a couple of very ordinary housemaids, of German extraction, whose names aro "never told," and whoso wages are such as fow serving women in tho states would care to accept. I remember on one occasion piloting an American around London on his first visit to this metropolis. He expressed unbounded astonishment at soeing ovor a shop the legend, "Surgical instrument maker to Her Majesty," as if tho Quoen ' must needs have an instrument maker all to borself. I don't know what he would have said at tho notion of a grand total of forty extra and ordinary "ladies" and "women" of the bedohamber, not one of whom would for a rnomont deign to ren der the least personal servico in that apartmont whoso titlo she bears. Of courso all this costs a good deal, and it conies in under that "civil list" which radicals like Dilke, Labochore and Brad laugh toll ns costs the country $5,000,000 a year. London Cor. St. Louis Globo Democrat A Sudden Case of Conversion. Tho Boston Sunday Budget contained tho following: Mr. Charles R. Train, somo timo at torney general of this ancien; Common wealth, tolls an incidont that happened in his father's church, in Franiingham, "a many years ago." Itsooms that his fathor, a Baptist minister, had long wanted instrumental musio in his ohurch.but had been opposed bysovoral prominent members of his congregation, notably by Mr. Bon Haven, a near neighbor and friond, who loved tho old ways and was set against innovations. But at last tho pastor, who was ono of tho "quiet kind," ami apt to curry his point, got a man in the church who brought along his bass viol, prepared to accompany the singing of tho congrega tion. Old Mr. Haven wulkcd into the ohurch, and took his seat in the frout row of pows, putting his hat, as was customary with thoso who But in the higher seats of tho synagogue, upon the communion tublo. The opening prayer was over, and tho first hymn given out, when the strains of tho viol sounded through the ohurch. Amazed, Mr. Ha ven rose in his place, gave ono look up into tho gallery whore tho musician was bending to his work, seized a hat and marched down theaislo in high dudgeon. Gotting outside he triod to put on tho hat, but he found that by mistake ho had taken one several sizes too small for him, in fact, a boy's hat. This made him pause. He stopped, reflected, made up his mind that he was wrong, and that this was a direot sign from heaven to prove it to him. So ho walked meekly back up the isle, restored tho hat to the communion table, took his soat aud nevor again opposed instrumental musio in tho house of God. About the most sudden case ot conversion on record. How She PiinWifd Him. A young woman riding in a Boston horse car had endured for ten minutes the fixed gaze of an imperiinont dandy, when a simple way of gotting tho better of him occurred to her. Assuming an expression of horror, which gradually relaxed into amusement, sho looked steadfastly for a moment at a point on his coat collar just below his ear, and then with a quiet smile turned her eyes away. Never was the complacency of a young fool more completely disturbed. Ho fidgeted iu his seat, went througu dreadful contortions, and aluost rolled his eyes out of thoir sockots in the effort to extend his range of vision to the point btlow the ear; brustied softly, then eagerly, thon frantically, tho suspeotod spot, and at last, in an agony of appre hension, rushed out of the car, and into an adjacent bur-room in searoh of a mirror. Over Ills Time. "Woll, how is your brother doing in St. Louis?" asked the first, as bo halted a moment at tho door of a business bouse on the Bowery. "Vhell, hedoan'fail yet." "Seems to be dciug a good business?" "Seems dot vhay." "Well, I hope he'll do first rate." "I hope so, too, but I dunno. Ho has been dere tree months nnddoan'fail yet, und I can't oxactly make out vhat he means. Six weeks vhas blenty of time to bnst oop in a blaee like St. Louis, nnd pay ten cents on der dollar?' Wall Street Daily News. Prohibition item: "Wake me np, darling, to-night and give me a toddy," said an Austin inebriate to his wife, as they were about to retire for the night. "Bnt how will I know when yon want one?" "Yon can't make a mistake. I am always thirsty when I am woke up." Texas Sittings. KUUUT BITS. No matter how homoly a woman is, a looking-glass possesKes no terrors for her. "You are sotting us a bad example," as the slgobra clans said when the teucher wrote a hard equation on tho board. We frequently hear tho expression, "Boo in a bonnet." Who ever saw a bonnet without a B in it? Boston Star. A witness in a Now York court testi fied that he could drink a keg of lager and attond to business. Ho was a police man, wo believe. Phil. News. A Chicago girl said that she conld not remomber the number of her shoos, and thon got mad beoauso bouio one said that it was a good deal to tax ono's memory with. When a man is a fool and knows it, he is a comparatively harmless animal, bnt threo quarters of our human life are caused by fools who are not awaro of the fact. The seoond day after a young aspiraut for Thespian honors begins his first en gagement in a two-lino part ho makes it a point to spook ooutomptuously of "am ateurs'." Rov. Mr. Cook thinks there is nothing like a journey round the world to tuko the conceit out of a man. But we sup peso Mr. Cook can't ufford to mako thir ty or forty circuits. A bald-headed man who has heard that tho hairs of a man's hoad are uumborod, wants to know if thoro is nut some plaoe whore he can obtain the back numbers. Cincinnati Suturdav Niuht. A Now Yorker has boon fined SIKH) for giving tobacco to a giraffe in Central Park. That's right; give to boys as much as you liko, but don't try to poison our giraffes. Oil City Derrick. ' A young widow was askod why she was going to wed so soon aftor the death of hor first husband. "Oh, la 1" said sho; "I do it to prevent worrying myself to death on account of dear Tom." "My brethren," said Swift, in a sor nion, "there aro three kinds of prido of birth, of riohos, and of pride. I shall now speak of tho latter, none of you be ing liablo to that abominable vice." "I'll go if I soe fit 1" was tho exclama tion of Mrs. Tweezers, as hor husband demurred at hor attending a bull. "I'll go if I see fit." "Very well, thon; you'll soo fits if you go 1" was the crusty reply. Tho French authorities havo captured Louise Michel. Aftor seeing hor picture in a Now York illustrated paper, remarks tho Baltimore American, wo trust that we may bo allowed to hopo that they will keep hor. ' Mnskrats nro, somehow, very plonty in tho streets of Lynn, and so many folks aro gunning for them that a man who turns a corner suddenly is qnito liable to got his legs filled up with Bhot iutondod for a rat. Standing on coromouy: "That was a ! tlltillj DWI J Al&l . AI.UII .I'll., ,& u.l V V the one that made you laugh so much, you know 1" "Yes; why didn't you laugh, Ida?" "Oh, I don't know Mr. Dixon woll enough." A fathor may turn his back on his child, brothers and sisters may becomo invoterato encmios, husbands may dosert their wives, wivos their husbands, bnt a mother's love endures through all. Washington Irving. Ono ludy at tho Vandorbilt ball repre sented a paok of cards. Several gentle mon appeared as knavos, and tho"Douoo" was prosont in various forms. Thoro wore more than four railroad kings in tho pack. Low. Conr. A mako-np that would bo popular: "Yes," said a man in tho theater gallery, .1.1 , . ... ... ,' l.-.A "iue maae-ups wore generally luir, uu thoro was ono mako-up that I would like to soe a mako-up ior lott timo uoiween the acts. Boston Transcript. xne examination oi oasu in sue treas ury has thus fur roveuled a deficit of five oonts in a bag ot silver. It is barely possiblo that in a fit of abstraction one of the clerks borrowed half dime to buy beer and forgot to return it on a salury day.-N. Y. Com. A man has invented a chair that can bo adjusted to 800 different positions, and yet a man who suspected that his wife was going to ask him abont where ho was tho night before, couldn't get in-, to a position in that chair which seemed comiortuuio. uob. i-osi. The St. Joseph Mo. polico justioo who - in dismissing a case the otner day said, "I shall dismiss every case of woman in sulting whoro it cun bo shown that tho woman first llirted with the accused, should bo promotod to the court of ; oquity if it can be proved that ho is not a "musbor" himself. t.i ii : . and triennial onoe in thrco years, Mr. Boyco of St. Albans, Yt wants to know why bi-weekly doesn't moan onco in two . n at a. ,1 Ah! niniilriM n A A M til WAA nVIAO lUU III wuuaij vvjw AM VUBWW weeks. And by the same tokon, why : doesn't centennial mean a hundred times in a year? Low. Cour. "Why didu't you return me that poem I sont for your examination?" angrily asked a man presumably possessed with tho divine atnatuB, The critio sweetly smiled as ho replied, "I intended to wait nntil the two-cent postago law went into effect and then" But the irate vorsi- 4nt lifijl 1 ian nrinati3i1 lilra st Itniiaa pa The Pittsburg Commercial, apropos of ; tho presence of Dukes, tho murderer at Uniontown, Pennsylvania, advises tho citizens not to drive him out of town. Tho Commercial man has evidently hoard of the Oxford Don who, soeing an obnoxious nroctor in the hands of the students, cried aloud: "Don't nail his eurs to tho pump." And they wore ; nailed! Vcnnor predicted sometime ago that 1 "April will cut-er on Sunday with a March storm." That April did enter on Sunday prova true, according to the al manac p.od the enforcement of the penal code; but the March storm was lett out in the cold. Vennor is hereby notified thai if nothing happens. Fourth of July this year will enter on Wednosdny. N. Y. Com. A writer who makes woman the anb joct of his thoughts by day and of his dreams at night, makes publio his con clusion that a good looking woman seldom or never displays her toot in pub lic. The next time, be says, yon see a lady exhibiting her foot rather gener- ' onsly look into her face, and on will recognize that nature has not n kind to her.